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Old 2012-09-12, 03:17   Link #10741
Masuzu
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I'm actually not really sure where to put this.

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Old 2012-09-12, 17:59   Link #10742
SPARTAN 119
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willx View Post
@csuree

I'm sorry that you're unhappy with your life and I genuinely hope that things get better for you, but it's unlikely (but not impossible) that any advice you receive here could truly be that helpful - ultimately almost anything I or anyone else says is generally common sense and/or knowledge that you already know. That being said, I'd like to offer two simple pieces of advice that you can take or leave lying on the road:

1) You seem to be focusing a lot on social interaction and relationships. These things are very important .. true .. but what about the rest of your life and the rest of your goals? Job? Education? Hobbies? Interests? A person's social life doesn't come from a vacuum. It gets developed as you pursue your interests and meet those with the same. Going to a party with music that you don't like and alcohol that you don't drink isn't likely going to help anything. Volunteering for a cause you believe in and going to workshops or activities that you enjoy are more likely to make you a more interesting person and introduce you to people that share the same interests.

2) Confidence / Attitude - This may sound a bit contradictory to my comment above, but bear with me .. this is one fact that I've found to be very true in life in general. With regards to work, life and simply growing up ..

"Pretend until it's true" -- That's right. Act confident. Act grown up. Act mature. I'm not telling you to lie, because while you're "acting" you're learning through both research and osmosis. You'll also fail sometimes. No one's good at their job right when they start, but no one's going to hire you unless you act confident that you WILL be able to learn and be good at it later. No one starts as a grown up, but you start "acting" more mature and eventually you "become" it.

Sounds silly, but if you read "14-sai no Koi" and think back to how you were when you were 13/14 and how you "grew up" it's a lesson people need to sometimes re-learn.
I was, and still am in a similar situation to csuree, a 23-year old who has never had a girlfriend in his life. I have always been social awkward, partly due to Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism that results in average to slightly above average intelligence and delayed social skills, as well as obsessive tendencies. I can say that have been and still am, to a lesser extent, sexually frustrated, and it hurts, I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone.

Unfortunately for me, I got obsessed with getting a girlfriend and/or sex in high school. Not to mention discovering some "fantasies" that are not appropriate for public discussion. It didn't help that the part that I wanted sex was particular obvious, and the fact that at the time, I was interested in girls in the "popular crowd", when I was a "nerd". I imposed my company on the "popular crowd", and tried to change myself to become "one of them". Suffice it to say, I failed miserably.

This lead to some bad situations I'd rather not talk about. Just suffice it to say it sucked. Basically, a lot of the trouble I got in involved persistently chasing girls, and using a "carpet bombing" tactic, asking out every girl in hopes one will say yes.

After a couple years or high school, I hit "rock bottom", but I slowly clawed my way back up by the middle of my first year of university. By the end of the second years my obsession in getting a girlfriend was less intense, but still present, it still is to this day, as many of my past obsessions are in some form. At that point, anime and writing fan fiction took over.

Two years later, my junior year, I discovered anime club, made some friends, and really fell in with the right crowd. Now, still feel sexually frustrated and sometimes feel down. I still have never had a girlfriend or had any sexual experience. I still wish I had a girlfriend or at least a "friend with benefits".

But now, I feel better as I have some sort of idea of what to do. Basically, I know what I want, I still don't know how to get it, but I DO know how not to... And with the negative, I can find the positive.

Second, I just generally keep a positive outlook, because, chances are, somewhere in the roughly 3.5 billion women on Earth, the one for me must be out there somewhere. I am also now hanging out with the right crowd, so getting to know girls is easier when we have something in common. Whenever I feel sexually frustrated, I can fight (or at least take the edge off it) by repeating "IT WILL HAPPEN" in my head, and when I feel like I'm progressing too slowly, "ONE SECOND CLOSER!".

As for some tips, here are some I've discovered:

Don't give up, but don't try to hard. Trying too hard makes you look desperate, girl's don't like that. "Carpet bombing" tactics- asking out every girl you know in hopes one will say yes- do not work, especially if you ask a one girl immediately after another. I tried that in high school. I wouldn't be writing this post if it worked! I hate to admit it, but I even sank a bit lower than that and at least contemplated attempting to sabotage a relationship and take the place of the ex. That didn't work either and is generally a dick move, like what your friend did to you, csuree.

Be yourself. Don't try and go after girls that you are physically attracted to but have nothing in common with. It will never work out. Hang out with the right crowd


What seems counterproductive often isn't This is related to the "don't try to hard rule. If it seems like your methods of attracting women aren't working, try something else. Try doing something that has nothing to do with dating.
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Old 2012-09-13, 09:56   Link #10743
Paranoid Android
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Be yourself. Don't try and go after girls that you are physically attracted to but have nothing in common with. It will never work out. Hang out with the right crowd
Your digression is definitely something I agree with but not "Be Yourself". That is the worst advice to give to anyone. I think it's better off to tell people a detailed description on mentality to have in a relationship than misleading one-liners such as that.

Every relationship or confrontation experience should be something you learn from. Many people need to learn to stop living in their own world all the time. And realize they can't behave the same way they want to behave in any scenario. There's time and place for everything and adaptability is something better to practice. If anyone thinks being themselves and not changing is good enough, then they're life is a motionless standstill.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN
I have always been social awkward, partly due to Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism that results in average to slightly above average intelligence and delayed social skills, as well as obsessive tendencies
I can't generalize people with autism because of the wide scale of where people could lie. However, I fight my mild autism by practicing acting. I force myself to 'zone in' as the person I wish I could be whenever I'm required to do something out of my comfort zone. It's almost to the point of reiterating rehearsed scripts and facial expressions.

For example, I never make eye contact if left to myself. I thought it would be rude to remain that way when I first had a girlfriend. I had to take time out of my schedule to practice staring at people. And bring myself to do that every time I spend time with her.

This also applies to job interviews.

For conversations, I practice altering my tone, dragging out words and slowing down like how people on TV or film would do. I'm still very absent minded about words that come out of my mouth though

I think autism is something whoever you're dating should be informed but you should try hard yourself to be a little more on-the-same-plane as the significant other. It's quite a good representation of your true feelings/devotions despite not being 'completely yourself'.
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Old 2012-09-13, 11:27   Link #10744
DonQuigleone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paranoid Android View Post
Your digression is definitely something I agree with but not "Be Yourself". That is the worst advice to give to anyone. I think it's better off to tell people a detailed description on mentality to have in a relationship than misleading one-liners such as that.

Every relationship or confrontation experience should be something you learn from. Many people need to learn to stop living in their own world all the time. And realize they can't behave the same way they want to behave in any scenario. There's time and place for everything and adaptability is something better to practice. If anyone thinks being themselves and not changing is good enough, then they're life is a motionless standstill.
If you're not "being yourself" the person you're dating won't be falling in love with you, but a facsimile of you. That's a pretty depressing thought, no?
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Old 2012-09-13, 11:41   Link #10745
willx
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Guys, I'd like to thank you all for also sharing your personal stories and look to help each other out. I must say it's difficult for me to understand where some of you guys are coming from sometimes as I am not afflicted by any ailment, but I think you should all be proud of yourselves and how open you are and your willingness to assist each other. Don't overlook this spirit of camaraderie. It's important.

I'm not sure I have much more to add on this topic, but I would definitely want to reiterate one point: Don't try to change yourself or to do things that don't interest you at all .. but do try to broaden your horizons and try new things and learn new things and continue to grow as a person .. remember that your "self" is not a static thing and neither is your situation. Both you and your circumstances can and will change if you have the will to do it (and admittedly if circumstances allow.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
If you're not "being yourself" the person you're dating won't be falling in love with you, but a facsimile of you. That's a pretty depressing thought, no?
^ I think I can cover this with both my "Pretend Until It's True" and "Broaden Your Horizons" .. but basically the concept of "being yourself" I think is a misnomer. When and where and who is the "yourself" at 10 years old? 15? 20? I'm going to tell you outright that at 15 I had minimal interest in eating sushi or finance and capital markets, nor did I have that much interest in politics or classical literature or even just taking the time to sit and stare at cherry blossoms..

Remember folks, no one lives in a vacuum, what you do affects the people around you. Conversely, things that happen in "your world" will affect who you are as a person. This may sound terribly corny but the world is a big place.. go and learn and do and be a variety of things. Remember, although it may not always seem like it .. and sometimes boredom or frustration will set in .. but as Medaka has said: "LIFE IS EPIC!"

http://www.batoto.net/read/_/93740/m...y_cxc-scans/17
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Old 2012-09-13, 17:54   Link #10746
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
If you're not "being yourself" the person you're dating won't be falling in love with you, but a facsimile of you. That's a pretty depressing thought, no?
That does sound a little depressing in some way. I would say be your best self
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Old 2012-09-13, 19:59   Link #10747
DonQuigleone
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Yes I'd say being your best self is the way to go. There's nothing wrong with self improvement. But on the flip side, don't be something you're not. I hate loud music, clubbing and general promiscuity, so if I decided to go in for all that just to get laid, while I would get sex, I wouldn't be meeting the right women. The women I'd be meeting doing this would be into guys who like loud music and clubbing. When they learn of my true tastes it's going to get ugly...

Of course, there's nothing wrong with trying new things. But then again, don't try to seem more adventurous then you really are either.

Basically, go out with people who are like you, and generally like the things you like. The really stupid cliché is "opposites attract". I don't think any good relationship has been built without some kind of common ground between the two people (and I mean more personality and attitudes then interests and hobbies).
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Old 2012-09-17, 04:57   Link #10748
csuree
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Back to some advice:

Be yourself: i extend this.. a bit.....Be yourself within the limits of normality. As we are anime/manga fans and many people judge people like us. we have to be ourselves without revealing these aspects of our life.
Me particularly have not just this as an embarrassing interest but 2 more others, that i used in high school to try and hook up girls but i failed and found out that girls hate if a guy is smarter than them (in this region), because they are convinced that they have to lead us by the nose.
This is why i fake an average intelligence whenever i meet new people, and keep it a secret so i won't get picked on because of this like in school.
So i suggest this be yourself but the things society considers lame or embarrassing should be kept hidden

You can also put up a bit of an act but never lie....given the situation to attract a bit of attention you can pretend something and using acting skillfully can get the cat in the bag.
(Example: someone says a funny remark about you and you can pretend to be upset about it to make them feel uncomfortable and retort back seriously and blow it off as a joke.)
you will not be another person by acting....you play like in a game...sometimes seriously sometimes playfully, or in a lazy way.....

both conceptions, opposites attraction and common hobbies types both work...i saw people with completely different worlds and they have a happy relationship....there is no rule in that....
sometimes i don't know what i want... a girl the opposite of me or someone that resembles me? because both have their pro's and cons and both can bring a fulfilling relationship

During my life i did not found out what girl i don't want but i found out what kind of girls i do NOT want as GF.....and i think that is more than enough.

Yesterday i had a real good talk with a girl and she gave me some insight about how women react, we did situation acting based on first encounters scenarios. So i think i learned a lot more about how to approach them....and 1 thing.....

I learned that by the first or max the second date you must kiss the girl or you will get friend-zoned. you have to make you intentions clear from the very start.
tactic 4 the kiss (Hitch movie) 90% distance you, the rest 10% leave it to the girl, if she kisses you... the deal is on, if no then you can forget hooking up with her.

I suggest if you have problems getting a girl talk to a female friend, and she will shower you with very good info....I'm glad i did it, maybe it will turn my life around, we'll see.
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Old 2012-09-19, 01:08   Link #10749
Khu
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Ahh, got rejected for asking a date to formal (or prom, for you Americans.)

Oh well. *sigh*
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Old 2012-09-19, 10:31   Link #10750
RWBladewing
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Listening to "Aishiteru Banzai!" on repeat
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willx View Post

2) Confidence / Attitude - This may sound a bit contradictory to my comment above, but bear with me .. this is one fact that I've found to be very true in life in general. With regards to work, life and simply growing up ..

"Pretend until it's true" -- That's right. Act confident. Act grown up. Act mature. I'm not telling you to lie, because while you're "acting" you're learning through both research and osmosis. You'll also fail sometimes. No one's good at their job right when they start, but no one's going to hire you unless you act confident that you WILL be able to learn and be good at it later. No one starts as a grown up, but you start "acting" more mature and eventually you "become" it.

Sounds silly, but if you read "14-sai no Koi" and think back to how you were when you were 13/14 and how you "grew up" it's a lesson people need to sometimes re-learn.
This seems to be the most common advice I see given to people who have never had a significant other but I really don't feel it's that simple. I think many of the people who say this are already confident themselves and don't truly understand what it means to have no confidence at all. Confidence is something that's easy enough to obtain more of once you already have some, but can be extremely difficult to obtain even a little bit of when starting from zero. There can be a very large emotional and logical barrier for someone to overcome when trying to be confident about something that they have previously experienced nothing but repeated failure in, and some may see "acting" as simply lying to themselves.
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Old 2012-09-19, 10:44   Link #10751
willx
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RWBladewing View Post
This seems to be the most common advice I see given to people who have never had a significant other but I really don't feel it's that simple. I think many of the people who say this are already confident themselves and don't truly understand what it means to have no confidence at all. Confidence is something that's easy enough to obtain more of once you already have some, but can be extremely difficult to obtain even a little bit of when starting from zero. There can be a very large emotional and logical barrier for someone to overcome when trying to be confident about something that they have previously experienced nothing but repeated failure in, and some may see "acting" as simply lying to themselves.
Well.. To reveal a bit more about myself, I was a complete nerd/geek and then transitioned into being a gangster/delinquent. Big shift eh? Let's just say there was a lot of pretending involved with the cocky and arrogant attitude that I carried around with me afterwards.

To give you some additional context .. I had to transfer schools a lot when I was young because my family was VERY poor and had to move a lot. So when I first entered highschool I had no friends at all because I didn't go to elementary school with anyone in the area.

I can understand and accept your criticism.. but all I can do is offer whatever advice I think might be helpful that has personally worked for me in the past. Later in life, I was also friends with a variety of girls that were "cool" "popular" "scary" "delinquent" in highschool and quite a few/most of them will admit they all had self-esteem issues but hid it deep deep deep down inside.
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Old 2012-09-19, 16:10   Link #10752
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Khu View Post
Ahh, got rejected for asking a date to formal (or prom, for you Americans.)

Oh well. *sigh*
I got rejected when I was in high school as well .

What was her excuse ?
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Old 2012-09-19, 17:52   Link #10753
SPARTAN 119
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Khu View Post
Ahh, got rejected for asking a date to formal (or prom, for you Americans.)

Oh well. *sigh*
Me three. Lets just say high school sucked for me.

Ahh well, prom is not that important, and far from your last shot at getting a girl, we all have plenty of opportunities left, and I will keep moving forward until I succeed.

As for me, I have asked out many girls, rejected by all but one who most of them gave me the "already have a boyfriend" or "someone already asked me" excuse.
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Old 2012-09-19, 23:44   Link #10754
Khu
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Quote:
Originally Posted by King Lycan View Post
I got rejected when I was in high school as well .

What was her excuse ?
She just came straight out and said she didn't feel the same way.

An honest one, she is. XD
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Old 2012-09-20, 01:01   Link #10755
otakujohn
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Last time I posted in this thread was 2009, and I'm still date-free.

Am I a wizard yet?
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Old 2012-09-20, 04:12   Link #10756
King Lycan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Khu View Post
She just came straight out and said she didn't feel the same way.

An honest one, she is. XD
I always get that .

Matter of fact I just got that a couple weeks ago from a girl I really liked her
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Old 2012-09-20, 05:47   Link #10757
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Look on the bright side. By asking, even if rejection is the result, shows you're way ahead of the curve compared to those who don't even dare do that.

Like myself.

8D
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Old 2012-09-23, 19:32   Link #10758
King Lycan
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Originally Posted by NorthernFallout View Post
Look on the bright side. By asking, even if rejection is the result, shows you're way ahead of the curve compared to those who don't even dare do that.

Like myself.

8D
Don't be scared lol
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Old 2012-09-24, 05:46   Link #10759
csuree
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until i was in school i did try and i did get rejected too many dozens of times, but as i entered college i stopped trying. and even now i do not try.

i have a fear of rejection, but it is understandable. After trying many times and failing you start to wonder...if there is no problem with the girls, then the problem must be with me...
but no one was kind enough to tell me what did i screw up....

so i still don't know what are my shortcomings...
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Old 2012-09-24, 05:59   Link #10760
Khu
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernFallout View Post
Look on the bright side. By asking, even if rejection is the result, shows you're way ahead of the curve compared to those who don't even dare do that.

Like myself.

8D
Oh the effect previous girlfriends can have on your self esteem ^^;
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