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Old 2012-09-24, 06:13   Link #10761
Paradoxine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by otakujohn View Post
Last time I posted in this thread was 2009, and I'm still date-free.

Am I a wizard yet?
Yes harry.
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Old 2012-09-24, 14:22   Link #10762
ChainLegacy
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Originally Posted by RWBladewing View Post
This seems to be the most common advice I see given to people who have never had a significant other but I really don't feel it's that simple. I think many of the people who say this are already confident themselves and don't truly understand what it means to have no confidence at all. Confidence is something that's easy enough to obtain more of once you already have some, but can be extremely difficult to obtain even a little bit of when starting from zero. There can be a very large emotional and logical barrier for someone to overcome when trying to be confident about something that they have previously experienced nothing but repeated failure in, and some may see "acting" as simply lying to themselves.
I think it's a combination of the acting confident bit, as well as tangible successes/results in something one enjoys... It's much easier to 'pretend to be confident' when you have just accomplished something you're proud of. That's why hobbies are so important mentally. And I do not mean watching anime, but a more active hobby, like music, sports, crafts, automotive hobbies (I admit to ignorance in that field but it seems like a good example as an outsider), etc. Another thing is diet... if you put crap in your body day after day, you can't expect to be feeling good mentally. It's a simple viewpoint, sure, but it's true - your brain, like the other components of your body, simply performs better when properly nourished and taken care of.

The last thing about the pretending to be confident thing is actually telling yourself that on a regular basis throughout the day (I think it's even more important to 'trick' yourself than others... once you're fooled, you simply are confident, no?)... making a mental effort to combat feelings of unworthiness with 'delusions of grandeur,' if you will. If you have a thought where you are pitying yourself or thinking negatively, shake your head, and internally say "NO!" and start thinking positive things about yourself... I know it sounds so silly, but people don't realize how powerful a trick it is. Part of the reason people have low confidence is that they dwell on their negative attributes... if you purposefully fight against your brain's tendency to do that, over time, you will naturally feel more confident. Bonus: you don't waste your time in self-pity.

Testimonial from someone who once had 'social anxiety disorder' according to a psychiatrist. I laugh at that label now...
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Old 2012-09-24, 19:21   Link #10763
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Quote:
Originally Posted by csuree View Post
until i was in school i did try and i did get rejected too many dozens of times, but as i entered college i stopped trying. and even now i do not try.

i have a fear of rejection, but it is understandable. After trying many times and failing you start to wonder...if there is no problem with the girls, then the problem must be with me...
but no one was kind enough to tell me what did i screw up....

so i still don't know what are my shortcomings...

I know how you feel I was like that but now I really don't care about being rejected. It still hurts like a bitch but I just consider it to be apart of the game. If you don't try you'll be lonely and don't you wanna get laid ?
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Old 2012-09-25, 11:59   Link #10764
Gamer_2k4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RWBladewing View Post
This seems to be the most common advice I see given to people who have never had a significant other but I really don't feel it's that simple. I think many of the people who say this are already confident themselves and don't truly understand what it means to have no confidence at all.
And I think that some of the people who say THAT just haven't bothered to try. Too often, people assume that just because you're in a different state than them, you've never been in their state. Just recently, when my girlfriend and I were talking about working out at the gym, she complained, "You don't know what it's like to be weak!"

It took some effort to not sarcastically reply, "You're right, that's not fair of me. After all, I've never been to the weight room in all my life and was actually born like this."

The people who say "fake it until you make it" say that because they DID that and it WORKED for them. It's why I have no sympathy for people who have trouble losing weight. "Oh you don't know what it's like!" "You're right, I don't. I just lost 40 pounds this year through happy thoughts alone. It's too bad things aren't as easy for you."

You can say, "it's not easy to do that" all you want (and you'll be right), but that's not going to help anything. At some point you just have to buckle down and do the work. There's no other way.
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Old 2012-09-25, 13:19   Link #10765
DonQuigleone
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Weight loss is actually very difficult, because our bodies aren't really designed for it. The only way to do it is to make long term permanent changes to our diet and behaviour, and that's something that most people can't really commit to. So, most people find going to the gym to be incredibly dull. A weightloss regimen based on going to the gym isn't going to do them much good. On the other hand, if they enjoy playing some sport like football, integrating a weekend game into their weekly routine will do a lot more good.

The problem is that people go on weight loss routines, and they usually work. But then they reach their targets, switch back to their old lifestyle (because the current one is so unpleasant), and they go back to their previous weights.

In trying to lose weight, you shouldn't really take an approach that requires lots of motivation and/or work. Because invariably you'll hit a period where you won't have the energy/time to keep up the regimen.

Instead, you need to take a smarter, more lazy approach. For instance, replace your morning bangers and fried eggs with toast and cheese. The latter is a lot healthier then the former, and not a difficult change to make. On the flipside, switching from eating steaks every night to only eating bland salads, might be more difficult to stomach. And certainly having the whole thing dependent on regularly going to the gym is simply foolish.

Fundamentally, the weight loss regime has to be pleasant enough whereby you would be willing to continue it for the rest of your life. It certainly has to be able to adjust to the decreased amounts of energy(and time...) you'll have as you get older.
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Old 2012-09-25, 21:07   Link #10766
ChainLegacy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
Weight loss is actually very difficult, because our bodies aren't really designed for it. The only way to do it is to make long term permanent changes to our diet and behaviour, and that's something that most people can't really commit to. So, most people find going to the gym to be incredibly dull. A weightloss regimen based on going to the gym isn't going to do them much good. On the other hand, if they enjoy playing some sport like football, integrating a weekend game into their weekly routine will do a lot more good.

The problem is that people go on weight loss routines, and they usually work. But then they reach their targets, switch back to their old lifestyle (because the current one is so unpleasant), and they go back to their previous weights.

In trying to lose weight, you shouldn't really take an approach that requires lots of motivation and/or work. Because invariably you'll hit a period where you won't have the energy/time to keep up the regimen.

Instead, you need to take a smarter, more lazy approach. For instance, replace your morning bangers and fried eggs with toast and cheese. The latter is a lot healthier then the former, and not a difficult change to make. On the flipside, switching from eating steaks every night to only eating bland salads, might be more difficult to stomach. And certainly having the whole thing dependent on regularly going to the gym is simply foolish.

Fundamentally, the weight loss regime has to be pleasant enough whereby you would be willing to continue it for the rest of your life. It certainly has to be able to adjust to the decreased amounts of energy(and time...) you'll have as you get older.
Don, several years ago I discovered something called paleolithic nutrition that allowed me to lose over 100 lbs and get down to 12% body fat consistently since. While much of what you say is true, I must take exception to your actual nutritional advice. People would be much better off with the morning bangers and fried eggs than a piece of toast. Suffice it to say I'm not going to go into a rant here and I've already written several lengthy posts about this lifestyle that I'm sure anime fans could care less about (), but look into insulin, blood glucose, their effects on weight gain, as well as satiety/hormonal effects of protein and healthy fat-based meals. Bread is about the last thing anyone should eat in trying to become healthy and cheese is not much better. Similarly, your contrast of an unhealthy steak dinner vs a healthy salad dinner is off the mark... Grass fed steak with a nice kale or spinach salad would be one of the healthiest possible meals, and those foods need not be viewed as opposites, but nutritional partners. By the way, since you're Irish, most domestic meat is grass-fed, be grateful for that! Grain fed meat that we have in the states is far inferior as cows are just as maladapted to consuming grains as we humans and the nutritional properties of grain fed meat reflect that; lower omega-3s in the form of CLA, higher omega-6's, and lower nutrient content when compared to the nutrient powerhouse that is grass fed meat (which is still available to us Amurricuns, but for a higher price tag)...

If I were to be so bold, I'd say that proper nutrition is actually one of the most important things one could work at if they want to improve their 'dating game.' It is difficult like Don said, but I don't think it needs to be unenjoyable at all. If one is following outdated nutritional advice (examples of this BAD advice include: lower fat, lower red meat intake, eat more carbs, calorie restriction), then it will be miserable indeed, because you are losing due to a caloric deficit, which your mind and body interprets as a source of stress - and rightfully so as many overweight individuals suffer from nutrient deficiencies that can hardly be remedied by eating below their caloric needs! Instead, cut blood sugar levels, raise insulin sensitivity, and consume nutrient dense foods with protein and plenty of monounsaturated and omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids, particularly DHA and EPA, which have been in the spotlight recently due to the ever-popular fish oil, which can also be found in seafood itself of course, as well as pasture-raised meat.

More effective than the standard, outdated (totally 80's!!! lol) low-fat stuff, would be to cut carbohydrate intake to a level of ketosis, or close, for a month and focus on tons of veggies, healthy meat and seafood, and nuts. No bread, rice, pasta, fruit, sugary drinks, anything artificial, etc Virtually everyone that is overweight would lose pounds if they followed that plan. Furthermore, as insulin sensitivity improves, this way of eating becomes entirely natural and cravings for sweets or other luxuries become few and far between. I once could binge-eat an entire carton of ice cream. Today I picked up a delicious-looking carton of gelato for my 9-year old brother and did not even have the slightest urge to taste it. Not because I've developed a steely willpower, but instead because my hormones are in check and my body no longer desires such ridiculous levels of sugar for a proper insulin response. Obviously one will look better, but also be healthier and happier (omega-3s and depression, magnesium and depression, look these up and follow the trail if interested).

Of course there are a great many people with crap nutrition and good romantic experience in their life, but I wasn't one of them! I was always on the heavier side, but I used that to my advantage in my high school days as a powerlifter. When I went to college and gave up on that my weight ballooned and beyond simply looking worse I experienced depression, insomnia, anxiety, etc. It's something one cannot put into words, but the contrast from that unhealthy life to my current one is like taking some miracle drug, no bad side effects, just every day is great and enjoyable. And my lifelong temper has mysteriously subsided as well. By the way, I do exercise (weight lifting and rock climbing), but as I alluded to above, the calories in - calories burned = weight paradigm is miserably oversimplified. Far more relevant are the hormonal effects of food. Exercise is important for other reasons than weight loss and it can help, but people should not be under the impression it's 50% diet 50% exercise, or even close... Probably more like 90% diet, 10% exercise... if even that.

Sorry for the rather intense outburst (I could have kept writing for hours on this subject, my friend and I are starting a website for it), but this advice above ^^^ is in my opinion what got me from being typical nerd-virgin-anxious type (a strong one, but quite typical beyond my strength) to a weird Renaissance-man type person with extremely disparate interests that has thus far been far more successful with the fairer sex.
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Old 2012-09-25, 22:09   Link #10767
DonQuigleone
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Originally Posted by ChainLegacy View Post
People would be much better off with the morning bangers and fried eggs than a piece of toast.
I won't go into the ins and outs of nutrition, but the traditional Irish breakfast is horrendously unhealthy. The rates of Heart disease arising from it in Ireland is extremely high. Part of the problem is that all of those Bangers are filled with preservatives and are also over-salted to boot, while the fried eggs are heavily doused in oil. Not good. I don't think that's good even on a paleolithic diet. The sausages in particular, in fact, a lot of those sausages are not fully meat. The minimum standard to be labelled a "pork sausage" is 42%. And many sausages are even lower then that, and can't even legally be labelled meat: "These sausages can contain only 25 per cent real meat with the rest being made up of an unappetising mix of water, pork fat, rusk, potato starch, soya protein concentrate, sodium, guar gum, antioxidants, sodium metabisulphate and cochineal - all finely minced together." Read more.

Also, don't compare our great toast to american toast. Our soda bread has all kinds of roughage in it, is quite unprocessed, and is a fine thing for firming up the digestion. Not to mention that it's unsweetened(so unfortunately common in American bread...). American bread is a travesty in comparison. I'd say mainstream American bread has no redeeming qualities. Cutting it from the diet would help everyone.

That said, I doubt grains have anything to offer over most vegetables. However, they are a cheap source of energy, which is an important consideration. A diet without any grains or other carbohydrates will cost significantly more, and be unaffordable to most.
Quote:
By the way, since you're Irish, most domestic meat is grass-fed, be grateful for that!
We have great beef, I will say that. Americans are better at the actual cooking of it though. Irish seem to overcook everything...

Last edited by DonQuigleone; 2012-09-25 at 22:20.
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Old 2012-09-26, 22:40   Link #10768
SPARTAN 119
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Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.

Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".
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Old 2012-09-26, 22:42   Link #10769
willx
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.

Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".
^ Best way is to ask. Dancing around the subject is typically awkward, but if you feel you must, then you can talk about topics like dinner and movies (which people usually go do with the significant others)

Uh, I would definitely advise against any "mercy date" strategies and definitely not talk about sad pasts, etc.. Opening up too much too fast scares people away. Far away. When I was a young angsty teen, I was on both ends of that.
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Old 2012-09-26, 22:58   Link #10770
SPARTAN 119
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Originally Posted by willx View Post

Uh, I would definitely advise against any "mercy date" strategies and definitely not talk about sad pasts, etc.. Opening up too much too fast scares people away. Far away. When I was a young angsty teen, I was on both ends of that.
I know won't work, I was just a stupid thought.

Also, by both ends of that, you mean people tried that strategy on you, and you tried it yourself?
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Old 2012-09-26, 23:24   Link #10771
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.

Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".
>.>;

Don't be disingenuous. That attitude will only get you the wrong kind of girl.
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Old 2012-09-27, 00:41   Link #10772
DonQuigleone
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Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.
Just start flirting. No need to pussy foot about too much. If she says(or acts like) she's not interested (likely due to already being "taken"), she's not interested. Take it on the chin and move on.

You could also try to talk about relationships. Talk about how being single sucks, at which point you'll likely learn more about her.

Failing that you can just chicken out and Facebook stalk her. There are relationship status's listed for a reason...
Quote:
Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".
No.

Put it this way, how would you feel about a girl you're mercy dating? Pity isn't a great basis for a relationship. Most girls want guys with a bit of backbone. In fact, it's true the other way around too...
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Old 2012-09-27, 01:02   Link #10773
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.
One girl I knew and sort of had a crush on thought I was trying to figure out how old she was since I was asking her about her education and stuff. She told me her age and then added that she had a fiancee. Not that I thought about dating her or anything but I still felt that I'd lost something when she said that.
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Old 2012-09-27, 07:18   Link #10774
DonQuigleone
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Originally Posted by LeoXiao View Post
One girl I knew and sort of had a crush on thought I was trying to figure out how old she was since I was asking her about her education and stuff. She told me her age and then added that she had a fiancee. Not that I thought about dating her or anything but I still felt that I'd lost something when she said that.
At least you didn't have to wait longer to find out.
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Old 2012-09-27, 11:09   Link #10775
SPARTAN 119
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I wasn't entirely serious about the mercy date thing, just having one of those times. Really, I don't have that low self-esteem, I was just feeling down at the time.

Part to do with the fact that I just found out not one but two of the (very few) girls I found attractive in my anime club were already taken. Hence to easy way to tell if she has a bf question

Ahhh... Well, otaku girls are a rare breed, but surely not so rare that they are all already taken. And then, there are always other common interests... I'm sure I'll find someone, even if I have to wait a few years.

But anyway, thanks for the advice.
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Old 2012-09-27, 13:31   Link #10776
DonQuigleone
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Having similar pop-cultural interests is over-rated.

It's more important that you share similar personalities.

I would say it's a good idea to share aesthetic sensibilities though. A guy who likes bold lines and primary colours shouldn't go out with a girl who loves things to be florid.
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Old 2012-09-28, 07:49   Link #10777
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Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
Having similar pop-cultural interests is over-rated.

It's more important that you share similar personalities.

I would say it's a good idea to share aesthetic sensibilities though. A guy who likes bold lines and primary colours shouldn't go out with a girl who loves things to be florid.
I totally agree with this. I like running she likes running. I'm family oriented and she likes hanging around her family too. That would be a fair match for me But then again knowing some pop-culture stuff will make you look cooler.
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Old 2012-09-29, 01:25   Link #10778
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My luck has being horrible with the ladies lately, went to the bar tonight didn't get a single number
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Old 2012-09-29, 15:04   Link #10779
NinjaRealist
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Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.

Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".
No, this never works out.

The depressing thing about relationships and human nature in general is that people tend to desire things which are already desired by others (even though they are unwilling to share something they think is possessed by others). So unfortunately, you're best option is to deceive other people into thinking that you are desirable and that your lack of having had a girlfriend is merely due to ome other reason than your desirability.

This may seem like lying, and in a sense it is, but the sad truth is that in romance you have to be a bit cold and ruthless (though I would never advice you to do anything truly cruel). People treat each other like crap in relationships, and if you think its cruel not having a relationship, be warned, actually dating somebody can be far crueler still.

But back to your original question. If you give the impression that you are single IN SPITE of your desperate desire to have a girlfriend, the reaction you'll get from 90% of normal girls out there is: creepy, creepy, creepy, run the hell away. I mean, that's basically like saying all you want is a girlfriend and that you'll attach yourself to basically anyone. That's not going to make a girl feel wanted or make her desire you.

In spite of the fact that women usually sleep with sociopathic assholes who don't care about their feelings, they still want to feel special. In the case of said assholes, they feel special to be with someone so desirable, but I'm sorry, their just not gonna feel that way about you until you become an epic player School Days style. For you, the way to make them feel special is to make them feel like they are one of the only people you've ever confessed to ad that this is a very special moment for you too.

But the important thing is, they can't think you are inexperienced just because you're afraid of women or you're unattractive or something like that. You need to create the impression that you're lack of experience is due to some deeply held conviction and that they are the only one who is able to sway your strong feelings. That will really make them feel special. To sell something like this, it really helps to be well dressed, intelligent, have nice/toned muscles, and have plenty of money.

I don't mean to disparage your feelings with this cynical post, because those feelings totally legitimate. The way romance is conducted is totally ridiculous, unfair, cruel, deceptive. It would be a much better world if we could honestly tell each other our feelings and not be judged based on someone else's fears and misconceptions, but that is not the world we live in, unfortunately. At some point you either have to face this fact or you will only continue to fail.

EDIT

And remember, its ok to aim high if you're willing to settle for something low.
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Old 2012-09-29, 15:20   Link #10780
DonQuigleone
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Originally Posted by NinjaRealist View Post
This may seem like lying, and in a sense it is, but the sad truth is that in romance you have to be a bit cold and ruthless (though I would never advice you to do anything truly cruel). People treat each other like crap in relationships, and if you think its cruel not having a relationship, be warned, actually dating somebody can be far crueler still.
I think describing it as lying is going a little far. You don't need to lie, you just need to act like you think you're worth their time (IE have a little confidence). If you don't think you're worth her time, that she's "out of your league", then why should she disagree?

You have to think that she'd be lucky to go out with such an amazing guy.
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