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Old 2012-09-29, 17:59   Link #10781
monsta666
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, England
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.

Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".
I think the easiest way of getting a date is to not make it sound like it is even a date. Just say you want to go to the park and have a bite to eat (or something to this effect). Have a chit chat and get to feel her out. No need to drop any heavy topics on this date, just keep it light and fun and see if you share any common interests that would make it worth your while to pursue further dates.

And to stress, if you talk about your lonely past right away it is likely to make her feel uncomfortable. I am not saying to lie about your past, simply do not mention it unless asked and even then do not make a big thing of it. Just tell it as it is as a matter of fact. Also a final point, do not get caught up in leagues and what league you are. Be confident and most important be yourself. Granted what I said is easier said than done but you need to be comfortable in your own skin before you pursue relationships.
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Old 2012-09-30, 07:21   Link #10782
DonQuigleone
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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It's a bit like a job interview. You wouldn't mention that your last boss fired you for being a lazy layabout who stole from the till, would you?

Likewise, you don't mention past failures on a first date with a GF. You might mention them once you're committed to one another but more in a "I used to be so stupid..." kind of way.
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Old 2012-09-30, 23:48   Link #10783
SPARTAN 119
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Originally Posted by NinjaRealist View Post
No, this never works out.

The depressing thing about relationships and human nature in general is that people tend to desire things which are already desired by others (even though they are unwilling to share something they think is possessed by others). So unfortunately, you're best option is to deceive other people into thinking that you are desirable and that your lack of having had a girlfriend is merely due to ome other reason than your desirability.

This may seem like lying, and in a sense it is, but the sad truth is that in romance you have to be a bit cold and ruthless (though I would never advice you to do anything truly cruel). People treat each other like crap in relationships, and if you think its cruel not having a relationship, be warned, actually dating somebody can be far crueler still.

But back to your original question. If you give the impression that you are single IN SPITE of your desperate desire to have a girlfriend, the reaction you'll get from 90% of normal girls out there is: creepy, creepy, creepy, run the hell away. I mean, that's basically like saying all you want is a girlfriend and that you'll attach yourself to basically anyone. That's not going to make a girl feel wanted or make her desire you.

In spite of the fact that women usually sleep with sociopathic assholes who don't care about their feelings, they still want to feel special. In the case of said assholes, they feel special to be with someone so desirable, but I'm sorry, their just not gonna feel that way about you until you become an epic player School Days style. For you, the way to make them feel special is to make them feel like they are one of the only people you've ever confessed to ad that this is a very special moment for you too.

But the important thing is, they can't think you are inexperienced just because you're afraid of women or you're unattractive or something like that. You need to create the impression that you're lack of experience is due to some deeply held conviction and that they are the only one who is able to sway your strong feelings. That will really make them feel special. To sell something like this, it really helps to be well dressed, intelligent, have nice/toned muscles, and have plenty of money.

I don't mean to disparage your feelings with this cynical post, because those feelings totally legitimate. The way romance is conducted is totally ridiculous, unfair, cruel, deceptive. It would be a much better world if we could honestly tell each other our feelings and not be judged based on someone else's fears and misconceptions, but that is not the world we live in, unfortunately. At some point you either have to face this fact or you will only continue to fail.

EDIT

And remember, its ok to aim high if you're willing to settle for something low.
Look, I'm don't have low self esteem, I realize that looking for mercy dates will only end in failure. Like I said, I was feeling down at the time, and when I feel down and desperate, I have a nasty habit of coming up with stupid ideas.

As for that matter, I am sure I'm not THAT unattractive, at least not physically or intellectually, sure I'm far from muscular, and I don't have lots of money, but I am intelligent. I just have to play to my strengths.

And as for the whole idea of the world being unfair, cruel, deceptive. Trust me, I know. I probably shouldn't have said this to a girl (although we still get on OK, even if we're not dating), but this exemplifies that notion: "You say break up, I say opportunity."

Also, what exactly do you mean by aiming high if your willing to settle for something low? Are you implying that I should expect myself to end up with someone I don't find attractive, that I should expect myself to be discontented with my love/sex life?
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Old 2012-10-01, 05:51   Link #10784
csuree
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.

Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".

Random answer. Don't ask that question. Leave the subject alone. Ignore it if she says she has one. It is called a "shit-test". she tests you how you handle the unexpected.(maybe she has one or not...you'll never know) The thing is you have to avoid the subject. If she is interested in you then she will dump her BF for you. If she hesitates then leave her alone find another one...

"mercy date" interesting idea.....if it would work......All my schoolmates knew about how unfortunate i was and couldn't even hook up with anyone so if a mercy date would work then i would have had one. BUT telling the girl about yourself in that pathetic manner is only going to get you friend zoned. (no offense) no girl wants a weeping guy. even if she goes out with you a couple of times she will dump you. and that is going to hurt a lot more than being single.

i know i am a sentimental guy too, i open myself easily to others(very bad habit) but believe me, try to act cool despite your situation and it will work out. concentrate on what you are good at and go out in the world and soon love will be there for you.

good thing i give these advice...even though i always stay at home and wish for my life to change and not move a muscle.....such a hypocrite i am.

You (and I) need to go out in the city to meet new people../ do something you never done before... go for a jog for example or do something other and if you see someone you fancy don't hesitate to walk up to her and start a conversation....it doesn't neccesarily have to be a girl. one time i went jogging and i came across a small group with a dog. and the dog came to me. i patted his head and started talking to the group....things like these will give you confidence....

Now it is time i get on my feet....stop sulking and get myself a very cute and loving girlfriend.....(you need to pump yourself like this many many many times)
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Old 2012-10-01, 10:20   Link #10785
Pink Cow
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.

Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".
Oh my... This reminds me of one of my bestfriends.

I would say NEVER do that. That definitely won't work. It's like asking for pity and makes you look so desperate. A girl can use and abuse you. In the case of this one person I know, he did tell me about past failures, and yes, I friendzoned him but he seems very comfortable in the zone though. ^^; the reason he's comfortable in there is because I value friendship above other kinds of relationships, particularly a romantic one. So when I keep a friend, that friend gets a lot from me. of course, he still wishes for a romantic relationship. He's pretty determined, and I'd say that's a good thing. But never use past failures as leverage. The wrong girl could take advantage of it.
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Last edited by Pink Cow; 2012-10-01 at 10:31.
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Old 2012-10-01, 18:31   Link #10786
NinjaRealist
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Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Look, I'm don't have low self esteem, I realize that looking for mercy dates will only end in failure. Like I said, I was feeling down at the time, and when I feel down and desperate, I have a nasty habit of coming up with stupid ideas.

As for that matter, I am sure I'm not THAT unattractive, at least not physically or intellectually, sure I'm far from muscular, and I don't have lots of money, but I am intelligent. I just have to play to my strengths.

And as for the whole idea of the world being unfair, cruel, deceptive. Trust me, I know. I probably shouldn't have said this to a girl (although we still get on OK, even if we're not dating), but this exemplifies that notion: "You say break up, I say opportunity."

Also, what exactly do you mean by aiming high if your willing to settle for something low? Are you implying that I should expect myself to end up with someone I don't find attractive, that I should expect myself to be discontented with my love/sex life?
Sorry, I was feeling a bit depressed when I wrote that response to you.

Let me answer the last question first, because I don't want you to think that I'm saying anyone should expect to be discontented in their sex lives.

I guess what I'm really saying is that, when I was inexperienced sexually, I chased after women who represented physical and emotional ideals, because I thought that was what I wanted. Looking back on it, I think I would have been happier if I had chased after women more like myself: flawed in some regards and outstanding in others. Instead I caused myself a lot of pain by repeatedly chasing after women who I now see were transparently incompatible with myself.

It's true that some of these girls who I now see as totally incompatible were very attractive, and it is easier to say that they were bad news now then it would have been to stop my dumb self at the time when I had a hard-on for them. But it's important to be sure that you see girls for how their personalities really are and make sure that you're not just inflecting your wants on someone incompatible with them/you, just because of how you feel about them emotionally.

I'm sorry if I came off to you as sounding superior or like I was talking down to you. I don't think I'm a better person than anyone else because I've copulated with lots of women. I feel like the shellshocked survivor of many harrowing emotional experiences, much more so than I feel in any way triumphant. I just have a lot of experience with the vicissitudes of romance and so I thought that my advice might be helpful to you in your own experiences, but it also might be completely incompatible to your own situation.

I can see you are a cool and intelligent guy. I dunno if you made it, but your Madoka avatar is awesome and clearly indicates that you have good taste and use discretion. It just also seems like you are maybe a little inexperienced and that your own eager emotions might be getting the better of you. Heartfelt feelings are of course the most important thing, but it's also important to look at things more pragmatically as well. It's great that you have confidence. Confidence is very important. But remember that a common mistake of brave, confident, inexperienced people is to courageously rush into a blunder because they haven't thought about it enough.

Anyways, the cynical thing I said about muscles, looks, brains and money was definitely extremely cynical, but there is some truth to this. Brains and money is very difficult to change, so you're lucky to be blessed with a good brain. Looks can be difficult to fix, but I really meant what I said about the muscles. If you want to get laid, then it really helps to be a little bit muscular. You don't have to look like an action hero or pro-footballer. A lot of girls are turned off by that. But a muscular, attractive, toned, physique (like Brad Pitt or Gerard Butler or Russel Crowe) is attainable and something you pursue?

Also, don't you want to be physically strong? I guess to be honest, I've always been motivated by the desire to be stronger (like a bad shounen character) and have chased after that goal for most of my life, so a good body is always something that I had as a side-effect of my own desires and mentality. I know it's not the same if you have no desire to say, cut down honeysuckle bushes with one slice of a machete, or beat someone in a street fight. But I can tell you, from my perspective, women are depressingly transparent about how much they like my muscles.

Don't get me wrong, personality is still far more important in determining relationship compatibility, but things like muscles can be a big asset, especially if you are interested in things like one night stands and casual sex relationships.

Anyways, I don't want to make anyone feel discouraged. If you pursue what you want, you will get it in the end (at least if it is something as mundane as finding love and getting laid). I wish you the best of luck and honestly hope my advice is helpful, or, if it isn't helpful, you can see it is worthless to you and disregard it.
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Old 2012-10-01, 20:03   Link #10787
DonQuigleone
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Originally Posted by NinjaRealist View Post
Anyways, the cynical thing I said about muscles, looks, brains and money was definitely extremely cynical, but there is some truth to this. Brains and money is very difficult to change, so you're lucky to be blessed with a good brain. Looks can be difficult to fix, but I really meant what I said about the muscles. If you want to get laid, then it really helps to be a little bit muscular. You don't have to look like an action hero or pro-footballer. A lot of girls are turned off by that. But a muscular, attractive, toned, physique (like Brad Pitt or Gerard Butler or Russel Crowe) is attainable and something you pursue?

Also, don't you want to be physically strong? I guess to be honest, I've always been motivated by the desire to be stronger (like a bad shounen character) and have chased after that goal for most of my life, so a good body is always something that I had as a side-effect of my own desires and mentality. I know it's not the same if you have no desire to say, cut down honeysuckle bushes with one slice of a machete, or beat someone in a street fight. But I can tell you, from my perspective, women are depressingly transparent about how much they like my muscles.

Don't get me wrong, personality is still far more important in determining relationship compatibility, but things like muscles can be a big asset, especially if you are interested in things like one night stands and casual sex relationships.
I may not be the poster boy of romantic success (still single...), but I don't think you need to be at all well muscled to get some success. Now, being obese would probably be a problem, but in terms of being muscled, I've seen a lot of guys who aren't well built at all have incredibly attractive girlfriends. I think it's a lot more important to dress sharply. Girls notice whether your shoes are polished, or your shirt is ironed, more then if you've got nice pecs.

Also, having few muscles is only a problem if you think it's a problem. If you think your lack of muscles is holding you back, you'll see proof of it everywhere (just like the teenaged girl obsessing over her nose, no one else actually cares...).

Personally I take pride in my utter lack of muscles. It's taken years of dedication to an idle lifestyle to get my limbs into such a pristine scrawny state. Anyway, building muscles seems like a boring and useless pastime. Unless your work involves physical labour, I don't see the point. Heck, if your work involves physical labour, you don't need to do any body building anyway...

Personally, I think the path to showing off your masculinity is facial hair. All these clean shaven guys are just pretty boys too afraid to let their testosterone show on their faces.

But to be serious, getting a girl (or boy) friend isn't rocket science. It's the same process as making a really good friend, except you just go a bit farther. Do you obsess over whether you're good enough when you're hitting it off with a really amazing guy? No, you play it cool. The same goes for women.

You just need to remember, she's the one who has to interest you, not the other way around. And if you find her interesting, and she finds you interesting ...
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Old 2012-10-01, 22:00   Link #10788
SPARTAN 119
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Originally Posted by NinjaRealist View Post
Sorry, I was feeling a bit depressed when I wrote that response to you.

Let me answer the last question first, because I don't want you to think that I'm saying anyone should expect to be discontented in their sex lives.

I guess what I'm really saying is that, when I was inexperienced sexually, I chased after women who represented physical and emotional ideals, because I thought that was what I wanted. Looking back on it, I think I would have been happier if I had chased after women more like myself: flawed in some regards and outstanding in others. Instead I caused myself a lot of pain by repeatedly chasing after women who I now see were transparently incompatible with myself.

It's true that some of these girls who I now see as totally incompatible were very attractive, and it is easier to say that they were bad news now then it would have been to stop my dumb self at the time when I had a hard-on for them. But it's important to be sure that you see girls for how their personalities really are and make sure that you're not just inflecting your wants on someone incompatible with them/you, just because of how you feel about them emotionally.

I'm sorry if I came off to you as sounding superior or like I was talking down to you. I don't think I'm a better person than anyone else because I've copulated with lots of women. I feel like the shellshocked survivor of many harrowing emotional experiences, much more so than I feel in any way triumphant. I just have a lot of experience with the vicissitudes of romance and so I thought that my advice might be helpful to you in your own experiences, but it also might be completely incompatible to your own situation.

I can see you are a cool and intelligent guy. I dunno if you made it, but your Madoka avatar is awesome and clearly indicates that you have good taste and use discretion. It just also seems like you are maybe a little inexperienced and that your own eager emotions might be getting the better of you. Heartfelt feelings are of course the most important thing, but it's also important to look at things more pragmatically as well. It's great that you have confidence. Confidence is very important. But remember that a common mistake of brave, confident, inexperienced people is to courageously rush into a blunder because they haven't thought about it enough.

Anyways, the cynical thing I said about muscles, looks, brains and money was definitely extremely cynical, but there is some truth to this. Brains and money is very difficult to change, so you're lucky to be blessed with a good brain. Looks can be difficult to fix, but I really meant what I said about the muscles. If you want to get laid, then it really helps to be a little bit muscular. You don't have to look like an action hero or pro-footballer. A lot of girls are turned off by that. But a muscular, attractive, toned, physique (like Brad Pitt or Gerard Butler or Russel Crowe) is attainable and something you pursue?

Also, don't you want to be physically strong? I guess to be honest, I've always been motivated by the desire to be stronger (like a bad shounen character) and have chased after that goal for most of my life, so a good body is always something that I had as a side-effect of my own desires and mentality. I know it's not the same if you have no desire to say, cut down honeysuckle bushes with one slice of a machete, or beat someone in a street fight. But I can tell you, from my perspective, women are depressingly transparent about how much they like my muscles.

Don't get me wrong, personality is still far more important in determining relationship compatibility, but things like muscles can be a big asset, especially if you are interested in things like one night stands and casual sex relationships.

Anyways, I don't want to make anyone feel discouraged. If you pursue what you want, you will get it in the end (at least if it is something as mundane as finding love and getting laid). I wish you the best of luck and honestly hope my advice is helpful, or, if it isn't helpful, you can see it is worthless to you and disregard it.

No problem, we all get depressed from time to time.

As per the discontent, I'm sure I'll find a girlfriend, or at least a "friend with benefits" who I find attractive. As you said, If I pursue it, I'll find it. Admittedly some annoying side effects of Asperger's Syndrome, in addition to the social deficit, such as still living at home and not being able to drive yet (but I will probably learn soon), may prove intitial obstacles. But even then, I might be able to find my way around those obstacles.

As per your think about sex vs a relationship, at times I want one, at times another, I guess I really want both, but isn't that what we all want. I suspect if I haven't had any success in a few years, I might try online dating services (of either the conventional or the "adult" variety). I mean, I'm not ashamed to admit that I have certain "fantasies" that I will not describe here that I want to fulfill (at least the realistic ones). I actually checked out dating service offering profiles with people interested in one of them, and there are plenty out there, and mostly in their upper 20s to 30s, so at 23 I have plenty of time.

And besides, I have a more positive outlook normally. I know I'm moving slowly, but I'm moving forward. Every second is one second closer. Asperger's can slow me down, but it can't stop me!

Also, as per my Madoka avatar, no, I did not make it, It was from request thread, but still, thanks for the compliment. Speaking of Madoka, one measure of how far I've come is that now, unlike in highschool, If Kyubey walked into my room, offering me the perfect girlfriend/sex partner, I would simply take a sword I own off the holder on my desk and go Homura on his ass, rather than end up as a cross between Sayaka and School Days... Also, I've clearly come a long way as I can now laugh about my problems.

Also, random thought, lol at placing this thread under "pairings" and "moe" tags.

Last edited by SPARTAN 119; 2012-10-01 at 23:31.
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Old 2012-10-02, 02:36   Link #10789
Samari
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
Random question: When I first meet a girl, is there any way to effectively and easily find out if she has a boyfriend without making it immediately obvious or such.

Also, I know this is pathetic, but I feel like I have to let this out. I've honestly been thinking, I'm wondering if the fastest and easiest way for me to get a date with a girl would be a mercy date... You know, tell her about my sad past of being lonely yet wanting to a girlfriend more than anything and maybe one of them will feel enough sympathy to go on a "mercy date".
What the...please no. That sounds like a dumb anime idea. Don't do that. You have to keep in mind that this is another person you are talking about. Not a toy.


And you should get to know someone before you decide if you want to go out with them. From the sound of it, it seems like you are in a hurry to have a date. Why? Honestly what the hell are you rushing for?


Oh and if you want to know if someone has a boyfriend, you can just ask. After you get to know them a little better that is. By that time you'll know if you even want to spend more time with that person.
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Old 2012-10-02, 06:20   Link #10790
DonQuigleone
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And you should get to know someone before you decide if you want to go out with them. From the sound of it, it seems like you are in a hurry to have a date. Why? Honestly what the hell are you rushing for?
Not so sure about that. Isn't the point of dating to get to know someone? My grandparent's hardly knew each other before my grandpa asked her out. He met her, thought she was attractive, and asked her out on a date to see how things would go...

A lot of us don't personally know anyone who we feel interested in dating. That's wh we go out with perfect strangers (either through online dating, speed dating, blind dating etc.). On the date with the perfect stranger we see how we get along. If you get along well, you keep dating. If you don't get along, well thankfully you'll never have to see them again because they're a perfect stranger!
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Old 2012-10-02, 18:46   Link #10791
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119 View Post
As for that matter, I am sure I'm not THAT unattractive, at least not physically or intellectually, sure I'm far from muscular, and I don't have lots of money, but I am intelligent. I just have to play to my strengths.
You said that you don't have low self-esteem, which I'll accept. But then you describe yourself as "not THAT unattractive" and "far from muscular." Why the negatives? Whether you're attractive to 99% of women or "only" 1%, you're attractive to someone, and that someone is all that matters.

As to "not that muscular" - that's fine, but go to the gym. Do it regularly, and go multiple times per week (I like the "every other day" schedule) You're probably not going to put on much muscle or even tone yourself in any short amount of time, but I guarantee this: go there, spend 30-60 minutes building up a sweat and pushing yourself until you feel sore, and you will feel great. You'll feel even better when you wake up the next morning and have trouble moving, thanks to your sore muscles. There's something about physically pushing your limits that is rewarding, as is seeing progress, but there's more to it than that. The idea that you're improving your body, or perhaps even just the idea that you work out, will improve your self-image and your confidence. It may not work for everyone, but I've heard it stated many times by people who were "shy nerds" or "quiet and bullied" that it changed their self-perception and attitudes. I've tried it for myself and felt it, so I'm a believer.

There are also plenty of studies indicating that exercise is a good mood-enhancer and depression fighter Win-win!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
Not so sure about that. Isn't the point of dating to get to know someone? My grandparent's hardly knew each other before my grandpa asked her out. He met her, thought she was attractive, and asked her out on a date to see how things would go...
It may depend on what you're looking for. I was dating to find someone for life, so I only went for girls who I knew something about. Many of my peers were dating for just for the fun of it. If it led to a life-long thing, great, but it wasn't their goal, or even something that they were thinking about.

But speaking of grandparents, I remember how my grandmother once remarked - in response to my mention of my girlfriend - about how I should have multiple girlfriends at one time Different standards for different times, I suppose! Or perhaps that's just how she thought that all of us youngsters are doing it these days...
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Old 2012-10-02, 19:36   Link #10792
DonQuigleone
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Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
It may depend on what you're looking for. I was dating to find someone for life, so I only went for girls who I knew something about. Many of my peers were dating for just for the fun of it. If it led to a life-long thing, great, but it wasn't their goal, or even something that they were thinking about.
My point is that it's not practicable. How many single eligible women do we know in our extended circle of acquaintances? My guess is at most 5(and for people like me with highly... male hobbies it's closer to 0), and it's highly likely you don't really find any of them interesting. If you want to meet a long term life partner you need to be meeting women blind. I personally wouldn't consider it "fun", in so far as spending 2 hours with a person you find dull is excruciatingly painful. Finding a long term life partner well suited to you is really a numbers game, and if you restrict yourself to only people you know, well I don't think there's enough numbers. Of course, lots of people have gotten lucky, but most of us don't.

Anyway, I would regard Online Dating as being similar to blind dating, except you actually can see a photo of them (so you have a good idea she's not an ogre), and you can choose to only go out with people who are of the same religious background to you etc. Everytime you go out with one you're basically rolling a dice, you may not get along with them, or you might get along great. Can't really know.

I do think there are bad sides to getting romantically involved with people in your circle. If things go bad (and as we know from Pop music, they frequently do...), you can find yourself not only losing your GF, but many of your friends too. For instance a good friend of mine made his first university girlfriend in the group he hung out with. All was well, but ultimately 2 years later they broke up and he found himself having lost not only his girlfriend, but also that entire circle ( I don't know the details). Either way he was basically left with me and another guy, who he knew from secondary school, and also some more casual acquaintances he knew through his classes.

The moral of the story for me is that I think people going out with one another need to have separate lives and separate friends.
Quote:
But speaking of grandparents, I remember how my grandmother once remarked - in response to my mention of my girlfriend - about how I should have multiple girlfriends at one time Different standards for different times, I suppose! Or perhaps that's just how she thought that all of us youngsters are doing it these days...
Scary statistic: The two demographics that have the highest incidence of Sexually transmitted infections are Homesexuals and the Elderly. When my Grandma died, my Grandpa started to receive a lot of Casseroles...
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Old 2012-10-02, 21:07   Link #10793
Black*Star
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i saw this thread so i got to ask... can anyone give me some pointers on how to get a girl to notice me?
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Old 2012-10-02, 21:11   Link #10794
NinjaRealist
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Originally Posted by Black*Star View Post
i saw this thread so i got to ask... can anyone give me some pointers on how to get a girl to notice me?
Please give us some more context. How do you know this girl? Where do you see her on a regular basis?

This is a hard question to answer because, often, if a girl isn't physically attracted to you, she won't notice you no matter what you do.

But some context might help me to offer you some advice.
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Old 2012-10-03, 02:20   Link #10795
NorthernFallout
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Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
As to "not that muscular" - that's fine, but go to the gym. Do it regularly, and go multiple times per week (I like the "every other day" schedule) You're probably not going to put on much muscle or even tone yourself in any short amount of time, but I guarantee this: go there, spend 30-60 minutes building up a sweat and pushing yourself until you feel sore, and you will feel great. You'll feel even better when you wake up the next morning and have trouble moving, thanks to your sore muscles. There's something about physically pushing your limits that is rewarding, as is seeing progress, but there's more to it than that. The idea that you're improving your body, or perhaps even just the idea that you work out, will improve your self-image and your confidence. It may not work for everyone, but I've heard it stated many times by people who were "shy nerds" or "quiet and bullied" that it changed their self-perception and attitudes. I've tried it for myself and felt it, so I'm a believer.
This, about a million times over, Spartan119. You don't even need a gym, though it's probably the best alternative.

After this shitty summer I started exercising seriously 3 days a week (Mon-Wed-Fri), trying some cardio the other days. All I have is 2x 4kg dumbells, 1x 7-10kg dumbell and a yoga mat. With this and bodyweight exercises (Leg lifts, pushups, crunches, squats, etc), I've gotten stronger, more confident and, even after two months, better posture and slimmer muscles. I still have problem with shyness but it's a work in progress.

Now add to this a new sense of fashion. I don't know how you dress but on my part, for example, I haven't worn jeans since I was 5. In august I bought jeans and shirts I would never usually wear, and that are "modern". As it turns out, it somewhat transformed me and I intend to expand my wardrobe in that direction.

So there are easy ways to make yourself "attractive" on a general scale, or that is just helpful along the way.
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Old 2012-10-03, 04:54   Link #10796
DonQuigleone
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Personally, if you want an easy way to look good, ditch the T-shirts and get yourself something with a collar. Collars make everyone look better.

Likewise, ditch the sweats and get yourself some proper trousers (EG Chinos).

Basically, professional attire is actually makes most people look pretty good (except ties...). Take your queues from there.
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Old 2012-10-03, 05:31   Link #10797
Black*Star
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Originally Posted by NinjaRealist View Post
Please give us some more context. How do you know this girl? Where do you see her on a regular basis?

This is a hard question to answer because, often, if a girl isn't physically attracted to you, she won't notice you no matter what you do.

But some context might help me to offer you some advice.
sorry i wasnt more clear before were best friends in high school i know it sounds cliche but its true i get mixed signals from her and i really dont know were to go from here
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Old 2012-10-03, 10:59   Link #10798
willx
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Originally Posted by Black*Star View Post
sorry i wasnt more clear before were best friends in high school i know it sounds cliche but its true i get mixed signals from her and i really dont know were to go from here
I always ask this question -- how old are you and her now? What stage of life are you guys in?
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Old 2012-10-03, 14:51   Link #10799
Black*Star
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Originally Posted by willx View Post
I always ask this question -- how old are you and her now? What stage of life are you guys in?
not sure what you mean by stage of life but im 16 and shes 15
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Old 2012-10-03, 15:22   Link #10800
NinjaRealist
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Originally Posted by Black*Star View Post
sorry i wasnt more clear before were best friends in high school i know it sounds cliche but its true i get mixed signals from her and i really dont know were to go from here
First of all, do you live in Western Europe or The Americas? If not then my advice will probably not be terribly useful to you.

I've been in this situation multiple times before and I can say that it is a very tricky one and can usually only end either very well or extremely poorly. If she accepts your feelings then, since you're already friends, you can likely form a very good relationship. However, if she does not accept your feelings, it will almost certainly mean you won't be as good of friends and possibly you might not continue to be friends with her at all.

Thus it is very important to proceed with discretion and feel the situation out before you confess to her. But once you do decide to confess, the opposite is true. You need to insist that you really like her (maybe not use the love word, is hard to say) and be sure not to back down in any way if she challenges your feelings. (also make sure you choose an opportune moment with good feelings and pretty scenery. night time is better than day time.)

But before you confess, you really need to figure out if she thinks of you as just a friend, or more than that. My advice may not apply to your friend, and if you think what I'm saying doesn't fit your relationship, or her personality than please say so. In general, though, there are a couple major red flags that she probably thinks of you as just a friend.

1. Does she talk to you about other boys she has feelings for? Are you anything like a love confidant to her? If so, then she probably does not have feelings for you.

2. Has she had boyfriends before? Is she comfortable with sexual things or is she timid when it come to sexual matter? If she is already sexually active and has decided to be just friends with you, then she probably just wants to be friends with you. (Unless there are mitigating circumstances like you being friends with her boyfriend etc.)

3. Have you been friends with her for a year or more? The longer you have been friends with her the better chance you have unless you answered yes to questions 1 and 2, in which case time will work against, rather than for, you.

So this is the most general advice I can give you, but I will warn you that a friend is one of the most unpredictable kinds of people to confess to.

Two of my first high school girlfriends were both friends of mine who I confessed two. So I think the fact that you are still a high school student is a really positive sign for you.

My confessions to friends at the college level and beyond have not really gone so well, though not all of them have ended in failure (but my success rate post-college is much higher with non-friends than friends).

But like I said, my high school confessions to friends mostly went really well so be positive.

That is my advice and please respond if you want me to clarify anything or if you think my advice might not apply to your friend.

Have confidence, think calmly, and I wish you the best of luck.
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