AnimeSuki Forums

Register Forum Rules FAQ Members List Social Groups Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   AnimeSuki Forum > General > General Chat

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 2012-12-19, 15:55   Link #10881
NightbatŪ
Deadpan Snarker
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: The Neverlands
Age: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aqua Knight View Post
What do you mean by insecure attachment?
Well, there's the type who thinks she owns you
and then there's the type that doesn't want to lose you
__________________
NightbatŪ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-19, 16:16   Link #10882
Aqua Knight
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: May 2009
Age: 22
I'd say kinda of possesive
__________________
I can’t sleep tonight…fish girl, sing me a song!
Aqua Knight is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-19, 17:02   Link #10883
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 29
You want our opinions, but what for? Are you feeling unsure of your relationship?

Having a possessive partner... it really depends on the level of possessiveness, and it also depends on your expectations. It's not inherently good or bad.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 03:57   Link #10884
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aqua Knight View Post
What's your opinion on overly attached girlfriends?
Some level of possessiveness is to be expected. However, it's important that you maintain independent lives. It's not healthy to spend too much time with one person. For one thing, you have all your other non-romantic relationships and friendships to consider, which are just as important as your romantic relationship. You also have to make time for yourself too(though how much you need depends on your temperament, I need lots of me time, other... not so much).
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 05:40   Link #10885
Aqua Knight
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: May 2009
Age: 22
Agreed, but I just can't understand when the possessive person doesn't understand when it's time to stop clinging (say per day).

Spending too much time together ruins the relationships from my POV (most of the time). That is when you only spend time together, but not with friends, etc.

PS
What does "moe" do in the tags of the thread
__________________
I can’t sleep tonight…fish girl, sing me a song!
Aqua Knight is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 07:27   Link #10886
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
It's not healthy to spend too much time with one person.
It's not healthy for one's overall mental health to be isolated and alone, but I haven't seen anything claiming that it's possible to spend an unhealthy amount of time with one person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aqua Knight View Post
Spending too much time together ruins the relationships from my POV (most of the time). That is when you only spend time together, but not with friends, etc.
Everyone has a different expectation of how a relationship will go, and what's most important is that both members have similar expectations. Otherwise you'll get some conflict; in your case, you're feeling held down, but if your girlfriend lets you go off to do things as you wish, she'll probably feel neglected. It may be possible to negotiate and have both members adjust, but this is something that you should probably deal with sooner rather than later. Let your girlfriend know how you feel, but reassure her that you're not judging her, not finding her to be annoying, and that you want to make it work so that you're both happy. (Assuming you really do, anyway.)
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 08:45   Link #10887
GDB
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Age: 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
It's not healthy for one's overall mental health to be isolated and alone, but I haven't seen anything claiming that it's possible to spend an unhealthy amount of time with one person.
Bates Motel?
GDB is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 10:18   Link #10888
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by GDB View Post
Bates Motel?
I had to look this one up, as I wasn't familiar with it
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 13:32   Link #10889
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
It's not healthy for one's overall mental health to be isolated and alone, but I haven't seen anything claiming that it's possible to spend an unhealthy amount of time with one person.
I did not mean health in a clinical sense. I more mean for the relationship. Too much time with one person is smothering. Spend so much time with a person and the relationship burns out, and you just get bored.

That said, I would say extreme possessiveness in a relationship is mentally unhealthy itself. Usually it shows the person to have rather low self esteem (we're not spending time with each other, he mustn't love me!) or paranoia (He's cheating on me, that's why he doesn't want to spend all day with me!). Such a person is best avoided, as they'll just try to control your entire life.

Also, when you become to wrapped up with just one person, it means you have no social support if things go bad between you. There's nothing wrong with spending a lot of time with one person, but spending so much time with one person, to the detriment of spending time with anyone else, is bad. Generally I think the research says that it's best to have a number of strong close connections.
Quote:
Everyone has a different expectation of how a relationship will go, and what's most important is that both members have similar expectations. Otherwise you'll get some conflict; in your case, you're feeling held down, but if your girlfriend lets you go off to do things as you wish, she'll probably feel neglected. It may be possible to negotiate and have both members adjust, but this is something that you should probably deal with sooner rather than later. Let your girlfriend know how you feel, but reassure her that you're not judging her, not finding her to be annoying, and that you want to make it work so that you're both happy. (Assuming you really do, anyway.)
It really all depends on how she's possessive. A little bit of possessiveness is to be expected. But if she wants the guy to abstain from his usual commitments in favour of spending time with her, then things are not good.
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 16:47   Link #10890
NightbatŪ
Deadpan Snarker
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: The Neverlands
Age: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
It's not healthy for one's overall mental health to be isolated and alone, but I haven't seen anything claiming that it's possible to spend an unhealthy amount of time with one person.
I also find it a bit odd, that people can work 8 hours a day with the same person for years
But aren't willing to spend more time with someone they actually chose for.

Which isn't much more than with a a colleague when you think about it.
You're busy with work at least 40 hours a week, you sleep another 50.
Leaving 78 hours of wich you're certainly gonna lose hours on commuting to/from work, then there are the moments that either is doing something else somewhere for themselves
(hobbies/Sports/Showers/Toilets)
Then you can argue about how much of the remaining hours are 'quality time'

In this day and age, people actually have to PLAN spending time together
they have to synchronize agendas to prevent forgetting kissing eachother goodnight

Lets make a difference between spending time or demanding every waking moment form the other
Because only in the latter can we talk about posessivenes

Now, can we say "Posessive" if a person calls you every day because they only see you a few times a week?
__________________
NightbatŪ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 17:24   Link #10891
Who
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NY, USA
Age: 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aqua Knight View Post
What's your opinion on overly attached girlfriends?
Something like this:

Spoiler for space saving:
Who is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-20, 22:40   Link #10892
barcode120x
NS
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ontario, CA
Age: 24
Hm, doesn't "possessive" mean more like not sharing something one has(in this case a GF or BF) with someone else as well as jealousy? I'm seeing a lot of comments relating to too much calling and talking which I would call obsessive, not possessive or stalkerish for that matter if there is no relationship yet haha.
__________________
barcode120x is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-21, 15:18   Link #10893
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightbatŪ View Post
I also find it a bit odd, that people can work 8 hours a day with the same person for years
But aren't willing to spend more time with someone they actually chose for.

Which isn't much more than with a a colleague when you think about it.
You're busy with work at least 40 hours a week, you sleep another 50.
Leaving 78 hours of wich you're certainly gonna lose hours on commuting to/from work, then there are the moments that either is doing something else somewhere for themselves
(hobbies/Sports/Showers/Toilets)
Then you can argue about how much of the remaining hours are 'quality time'
There's a big difference between spending 40 hours with one person, and spending 40 hours with the 20-100 people at your work place.
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-21, 15:29   Link #10894
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
There's a big difference between spending 40 hours with one person, and spending 40 hours with the 20-100 people at your work place.
20-100? My lab group was about five people I was definitely spending more time with them than with my wife during most weeks.

Not that it detracts from the point you're making, but Nightbat's point is rather interesting too.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-22, 07:55   Link #10895
NightbatŪ
Deadpan Snarker
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: The Neverlands
Age: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
There's a big difference between spending 40 hours with one person, and spending 40 hours with the 20-100 people at your work place.
So where's the explanation that me and my colleague still have a good friendly relationship after 6 years of working only with eachother?
Here's a situation where we're both forced to work together for a different goal than making eachother happy

We've been jokingly referred to by coworkers from main office as a 'married couple'
__________________
NightbatŪ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-22, 11:28   Link #10896
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightbatŪ View Post
So where's the explanation that me and my colleague still have a good friendly relationship after 6 years of working only with eachother?
Here's a situation where we're both forced to work together for a different goal than making eachother happy

We've been jokingly referred to by coworkers from main office as a 'married couple'
You've managed to become good friends, and good on you. But the sort of interactions you have while working with someone isn't as "intense" as when you're actually "socializing" with them. Sure, you might have spent so many hours with him, but most of the time you're just going "is this good" "yes, but I think there's a problem with y" etc.

I've spent substantial amounts of time with coworkers that otherwise I would spend very little time with, because while working you don't have to talk about anything particularly personal. As long as the other person isn't offensive or annoying to you, it makes little difference.

The only time you have to "engage" with your coworkers is during break times. The rest of the time you're just talking about work.
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-22, 12:02   Link #10897
Kakashi
カカシ
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: London
Send a message via MSN to Kakashi
Quote:
Originally Posted by NightbatŪ View Post
I also find it a bit odd, that people can work 8 hours a day with the same person for years
But aren't willing to spend more time with someone they actually chose for.

Which isn't much more than with a a colleague when you think about it.
You're busy with work at least 40 hours a week, you sleep another 50.
Leaving 78 hours of wich you're certainly gonna lose hours on commuting to/from work, then there are the moments that either is doing something else somewhere for themselves
(hobbies/Sports/Showers/Toilets)
Then you can argue about how much of the remaining hours are 'quality time'

In this day and age, people actually have to PLAN spending time together
they have to synchronize agendas to prevent forgetting kissing eachother goodnight

Lets make a difference between spending time or demanding every waking moment form the other
Because only in the latter can we talk about posessivenes

Now, can we say "Posessive" if a person calls you every day because they only see you a few times a week?
People can spend all day with the people they work with because they have to. Once they've been forced to spend time with people they wouldn't necessarily choose to be with, often people lose social energy for the people they actually would choose to spend time with outside of work.

For most of human history work didn't dominate most of our wakeful hours, and now it is dominating more and more of our day. It's interesting to think about the impact this has on our social lives over time.
Kakashi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-22, 14:10   Link #10898
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kakashi View Post
People can spend all day with the people they work with because they have to. Once they've been forced to spend time with people they wouldn't necessarily choose to be with, often people lose social energy for the people they actually would choose to spend time with outside of work.

For most of human history work didn't dominate most of our wakeful hours, and now it is dominating more and more of our day. It's interesting to think about the impact this has on our social lives over time.
For most of human history, people had no choice about who they hung out with. You either stuck your tribe, or you died out in the wilderness.

Though people did occasionally switch tribes, it was not an easy thing to do.

Later people spent all their lives in the same village, and didn't have much choice about which village they ended up in (in fact, serfs were tied to the land by law and couldn't move even if they wanted to!)
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-22, 18:58   Link #10899
Kakashi
カカシ
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: London
Send a message via MSN to Kakashi
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
For most of human history, people had no choice about who they hung out with. You either stuck your tribe, or you died out in the wilderness.

Though people did occasionally switch tribes, it was not an easy thing to do.

Later people spent all their lives in the same village, and didn't have much choice about which village they ended up in (in fact, serfs were tied to the land by law and couldn't move even if they wanted to!)
True, they had much less choice who they hung out with, but the lifestyle was so different. You grow up with your fellow tribesmen, do everything with them, work together to survive, and you continue to live your adult life with them - and as a result are likely to form strong bonds. Whereas in modern life, things are quite different. I guess what I'm trying to say is, the enviroment in which you socialise with people will have an effect on the type of relationships you form. In the modern working enviroment, there is always a degree of competiveness/stress/hierarchy which is associated with every interaction. I personally find this very draining pscyhologically, and have little left for family/friends and girlfriends the more I have to work.

Last edited by Kakashi; 2012-12-22 at 19:36.
Kakashi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-12-22, 19:46   Link #10900
NightbatŪ
Deadpan Snarker
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: The Neverlands
Age: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kakashi View Post
People can spend all day with the people they work with because they have to. Once they've been forced to spend time with people they wouldn't necessarily choose to be with, often people lose social energy for the people they actually would choose to spend time with outside of work.
I would beg to differ
But then again, I consider work a tool for a better life "Here lies a good hard worker" isn't something any of us want on our gravestone
"Here lies our loving [.......]" on the other hand...

Quote:
For most of human history work didn't dominate most of our wakeful hours, and now it is dominating more and more of our day. It's interesting to think about the impact this has on our social lives over time.
Wait,..what?
I would sooner say people (especially in the 'western' side) are working less and less
We don't have to hunt for weeks on end, we don't have to slave 20 hours a day in coalmines or factories like we did barely a century ago
and people in developing countries are still doing today
And I might add that community ties are much tighter and more social there than over here

The bitter truth is: we need our jobs, but we don't need eachother anymore
That's why we put up with the most assholed of colleagues, but split at the first bit of rough weather with our significant other
We'll accept a humiliation from our boss, but not criticism from our relationship

In general, I find people more loyal to the one giving them money than the one giving them love
__________________
NightbatŪ is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 23:02.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
We use Silk.