Dating

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

It's not healthy for one's overall mental health to be isolated and alone, but I haven't seen anything claiming that it's possible to spend an unhealthy amount of time with one person.

I did not mean health in a clinical sense. I more mean for the relationship. Too much time with one person is smothering. Spend so much time with a person and the relationship burns out, and you just get bored.

That said, I would say extreme possessiveness in a relationship is mentally unhealthy itself. Usually it shows the person to have rather low self esteem (we're not spending time with each other, he mustn't love me!) or paranoia (He's cheating on me, that's why he doesn't want to spend all day with me!). Such a person is best avoided, as they'll just try to control your entire life.

Also, when you become to wrapped up with just one person, it means you have no social support if things go bad between you. There's nothing wrong with spending a lot of time with one person, but spending so much time with one person, to the detriment of spending time with anyone else, is bad. Generally I think the research says that it's best to have a number of strong close connections.

Everyone has a different expectation of how a relationship will go, and what's most important is that both members have similar expectations. Otherwise you'll get some conflict; in your case, you're feeling held down, but if your girlfriend lets you go off to do things as you wish, she'll probably feel neglected. It may be possible to negotiate and have both members adjust, but this is something that you should probably deal with sooner rather than later. Let your girlfriend know how you feel, but reassure her that you're not judging her, not finding her to be annoying, and that you want to make it work so that you're both happy. (Assuming you really do, anyway.)

It really all depends on how she's possessive. A little bit of possessiveness is to be expected. But if she wants the guy to abstain from his usual commitments in favour of spending time with her, then things are not good.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

It's not healthy for one's overall mental health to be isolated and alone, but I haven't seen anything claiming that it's possible to spend an unhealthy amount of time with one person.

I also find it a bit odd, that people can work 8 hours a day with the same person for years
But aren't willing to spend more time with someone they actually chose for.

Which isn't much more than with a a colleague when you think about it.
You're busy with work at least 40 hours a week, you sleep another 50.
Leaving 78 hours of wich you're certainly gonna lose hours on commuting to/from work, then there are the moments that either is doing something else somewhere for themselves
(hobbies/Sports/Showers/Toilets)
Then you can argue about how much of the remaining hours are 'quality time'

In this day and age, people actually have to PLAN spending time together
they have to synchronize agendas to prevent forgetting kissing eachother goodnight

Lets make a difference between spending time or demanding every waking moment form the other
Because only in the latter can we talk about posessivenes

Now, can we say "Posessive" if a person calls you every day because they only see you a few times a week?

[Who]

Originally Posted by Aqua Knight

What's your opinion on overly attached girlfriends?

Something like this:

Spoiler for space saving:

[barcode120x]

Hm, doesn't "possessive" mean more like not sharing something one has(in this case a GF or BF) with someone else as well as jealousy? I'm seeing a lot of comments relating to too much calling and talking which I would call obsessive, not possessive or stalkerish for that matter if there is no relationship yet haha.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

I also find it a bit odd, that people can work 8 hours a day with the same person for years
But aren't willing to spend more time with someone they actually chose for.

Which isn't much more than with a a colleague when you think about it.
You're busy with work at least 40 hours a week, you sleep another 50.
Leaving 78 hours of wich you're certainly gonna lose hours on commuting to/from work, then there are the moments that either is doing something else somewhere for themselves
(hobbies/Sports/Showers/Toilets)
Then you can argue about how much of the remaining hours are 'quality time'

There's a big difference between spending 40 hours with one person, and spending 40 hours with the 20-100 people at your work place.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

There's a big difference between spending 40 hours with one person, and spending 40 hours with the 20-100 people at your work place.

20-100? My lab group was about five people I was definitely spending more time with them than with my wife during most weeks.

Not that it detracts from the point you're making, but Nightbat's point is rather interesting too.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

There's a big difference between spending 40 hours with one person, and spending 40 hours with the 20-100 people at your work place.

So where's the explanation that me and my colleague still have a good friendly relationship after 6 years of working only with eachother?
Here's a situation where we're both forced to work together for a different goal than making eachother happy

We've been jokingly referred to by coworkers from main office as a 'married couple'

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

So where's the explanation that me and my colleague still have a good friendly relationship after 6 years of working only with eachother?
Here's a situation where we're both forced to work together for a different goal than making eachother happy

We've been jokingly referred to by coworkers from main office as a 'married couple'

You've managed to become good friends, and good on you. But the sort of interactions you have while working with someone isn't as "intense" as when you're actually "socializing" with them. Sure, you might have spent so many hours with him, but most of the time you're just going "is this good" "yes, but I think there's a problem with y" etc.

I've spent substantial amounts of time with coworkers that otherwise I would spend very little time with, because while working you don't have to talk about anything particularly personal. As long as the other person isn't offensive or annoying to you, it makes little difference.

The only time you have to "engage" with your coworkers is during break times. The rest of the time you're just talking about work.

[Kakashi]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

I also find it a bit odd, that people can work 8 hours a day with the same person for years
But aren't willing to spend more time with someone they actually chose for.

Which isn't much more than with a a colleague when you think about it.
You're busy with work at least 40 hours a week, you sleep another 50.
Leaving 78 hours of wich you're certainly gonna lose hours on commuting to/from work, then there are the moments that either is doing something else somewhere for themselves
(hobbies/Sports/Showers/Toilets)
Then you can argue about how much of the remaining hours are 'quality time'

In this day and age, people actually have to PLAN spending time together
they have to synchronize agendas to prevent forgetting kissing eachother goodnight

Lets make a difference between spending time or demanding every waking moment form the other
Because only in the latter can we talk about posessivenes

Now, can we say "Posessive" if a person calls you every day because they only see you a few times a week?

People can spend all day with the people they work with because they have to. Once they've been forced to spend time with people they wouldn't necessarily choose to be with, often people lose social energy for the people they actually would choose to spend time with outside of work.

For most of human history work didn't dominate most of our wakeful hours, and now it is dominating more and more of our day. It's interesting to think about the impact this has on our social lives over time.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Kakashi

People can spend all day with the people they work with because they have to. Once they've been forced to spend time with people they wouldn't necessarily choose to be with, often people lose social energy for the people they actually would choose to spend time with outside of work.

For most of human history work didn't dominate most of our wakeful hours, and now it is dominating more and more of our day. It's interesting to think about the impact this has on our social lives over time.

For most of human history, people had no choice about who they hung out with. You either stuck your tribe, or you died out in the wilderness.

Though people did occasionally switch tribes, it was not an easy thing to do.

Later people spent all their lives in the same village, and didn't have much choice about which village they ended up in (in fact, serfs were tied to the land by law and couldn't move even if they wanted to!)

[Kakashi]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

For most of human history, people had no choice about who they hung out with. You either stuck your tribe, or you died out in the wilderness.

Though people did occasionally switch tribes, it was not an easy thing to do.

Later people spent all their lives in the same village, and didn't have much choice about which village they ended up in (in fact, serfs were tied to the land by law and couldn't move even if they wanted to!)

True, they had much less choice who they hung out with, but the lifestyle was so different. You grow up with your fellow tribesmen, do everything with them, work together to survive, and you continue to live your adult life with them - and as a result are likely to form strong bonds. Whereas in modern life, things are quite different. I guess what I'm trying to say is, the enviroment in which you socialise with people will have an effect on the type of relationships you form. In the modern working enviroment, there is always a degree of competiveness/stress/hierarchy which is associated with every interaction. I personally find this very draining pscyhologically, and have little left for family/friends and girlfriends the more I have to work.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by Kakashi

People can spend all day with the people they work with because they have to. Once they've been forced to spend time with people they wouldn't necessarily choose to be with, often people lose social energy for the people they actually would choose to spend time with outside of work.

I would beg to differ
But then again, I consider work a tool for a better life "Here lies a good hard worker" isn't something any of us want on our gravestone
"Here lies our loving [.......]" on the other hand...

For most of human history work didn't dominate most of our wakeful hours, and now it is dominating more and more of our day. It's interesting to think about the impact this has on our social lives over time.

Wait,..what?
I would sooner say people (especially in the 'western' side) are working less and less
We don't have to hunt for weeks on end, we don't have to slave 20 hours a day in coalmines or factories like we did barely a century ago
and people in developing countries are still doing today
And I might add that community ties are much tighter and more social there than over here

The bitter truth is: we need our jobs, but we don't need eachother anymore
That's why we put up with the most assholed of colleagues, but split at the first bit of rough weather with our significant other
We'll accept a humiliation from our boss, but not criticism from our relationship

In general, I find people more loyal to the one giving them money than the one giving them love

[Kakashi]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

I would beg to differ
But then again, I consider work a tool for a better life "Here lies a good hard worker" isn't something any of us want on our gravestone
"Here lies our loving [.......]" on the other hand...

I'm not quite sure what you're saying here.

Wait,..what?
I would sooner say people (especially in the 'western' side) are working less and less
We don't have to hunt for weeks on end, we don't have to slave 20 hours a day in coalmines or factories like we did barely a century ago
and people in developing countries are still doing today
And I might add that community ties are much tighter and more social there than over here

You're right things have improved over the past few millenia or so, but you have to understand that before that humans lived in hunter-gatherer bands for about 0.2 million years. This is what I'm referring to when I say 'most of human history'. Hunters only "worked" for 4-6 hours on average, according to most anthropological reports. It wasn't as hard as you might think.
'

The bitter truth is: we need our jobs, but we don't need eachother anymore
That's why we put up with the most assholed of colleagues, but split at the first bit of rough weather with our significant other
We'll accept a humiliation from our boss, but not criticism from our relationship

In general, I find people more loyal to the one giving them money than the one giving them love

I don't think people split at the first sign of trouble, to be honest, if they truly care for each other. If you think really hard, what is more important to you, the people you love or your job? You work for the people you love, don't you? Most people don't give a shit about work when it comes down to it.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by Kakashi

I'm not quite sure what you're saying here.

That we don't exhaust our 'social desires' on the workfloor
and we do not live for work (at least I hope so)

You're right things have improved over the past few millenia or so, but you have to understand that before that humans lived in hunter-gatherer bands for about 0.2 million years. This is what I'm referring to when I say 'most of human history'. Hunters only "worked" for 4-6 hours on average, according to most anthropological reports. It wasn't as hard as you might think.
'

Average? sounds like a nice statistic, now ask "when"
In summer, I'm betting they had a meal within an hour, winter otoh
also don't forget that apart from hunting, there was also more traveling, following the herds with the season
danger from other predators that needed constant vigilance

I don't think people split at the first sign of trouble, to be honest, if they truly care for each other. If you think really hard, what is more important to you, the people you love or your job? You work for the people you love, don't you? Most people don't give a shit about work when it comes down to it.

It's probably an overstatement, people don't go for a pack of sigarettes the first time they don't get to hear "how was your day" when walking in
But people still give up a lot sooner
but in rough times, people were more forced to stay together than these days
People are selfsufficient, so when the social connection is in bad weather, there is no need to solve problems anymore

[DonQuigleone]

Fun fact, in Papua New Guinea (the society the closest to "tribalism" on earth) the leading cause of death for adults is Homicide.

How do you like your friendly tribal societies now?

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Fun fact, in Papua New Guinea (the society the closest to "tribalism" on earth) the leading cause of death for adults is Homicide.

How do you like your friendly tribal societies now?

Friendly indeed, especially when you single out a region known for headhunting and cannabalism even in lasting into modern (last century) times
(and can you give numbers concerning tribal or inter-tribal homocides with that?)

Personally, I wouldn't like to attend a weddingceremony there

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

Friendly indeed, especially when you single out a region known for headhunting and cannabalism even in lasting into modern (last century) times
(and can you give numbers concerning tribal or inter-tribal homocides with that?)

Personally, I wouldn't like to attend a weddingceremony there

I'm just getting it from Guns, Germs and Steel. The leading causes of death in all tribal societies was homicide, childbirth, accident or wild animal. Very few died from illness or disease.

New Guinea is, in fact, not the greatest example, as many of it's "tribes" are actually primitive farming communities.

Tribal people tend to be nice in general, but let's not romanticize their lives. To give an example from Guns, Germs and Steel, one tribal woman in New Guinea had had 3 husbands in her lifetime "The first was assigned by her parents, he was killed by her second husband who then raped her and forced her to stay with him, and the third she took by choice when she was old, and the second got himself killed by an animal". (I paraphrase).

[Mystique]

Koreans Celebrate Christmas with Mass Blind Dating Flash Mob

In South Korea, Christmas is more of a romantic day for couples than a religious celebration. So to help Korean singles feel less lonely, organizers set up a series of mass blind dates across the country on Christmas Eve.

At the event in Seoul, Song Won-jae says he is feeling lucky. The 24-year-old, who just got out of the army, says it’s time for him to find a girlfriend. He’s not asking for too much.

Rest of news here:

For some of the non-Christian countries, this time of year becomes a 'pre valentines' day for couples, while New Years becomes the 'family' event.
However, blind dates sound stressful if not scary, but in bigger numbers like this, would you wanna try the experience, just once?

[GenjiChan]

Originally Posted by Mystique

However, blind dates sound stressful if not scary, but in bigger numbers like this, would you wanna try the experience, just once?

It would be a blessing if my blind date is what I'm hoping will be...

[Hasumi]

Can't hope for anything like that around here.