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Old 2013-02-02, 22:14   Link #41
Mr. DJ
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Central Texas
Age: 30
I'm not the best example of giving the confidence speech, because the two times I believed I genuinely liked someone enough to ask them out pretty much backfired on me. So I'm extremely hesitant when it comes to women. Despite my sort of anti-socialness...I did learn of someone who was interested in me, but sadly, it was when I was still living with a friend in Arizona...5 years ago. That same friend moved back here to Texas, was kinda drunk and told me about it. His reason for not telling me then? Because he liked her too -_-;

If that's you in the avatar, you shouldn't have that much trouble.
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Old 2013-02-02, 22:27   Link #42
Mystique
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Originally Posted by BradleySmith View Post
I mean, Makes me want to try and find a girlfriend but i doubt i will ever find the courage because in this world people have to try and be perfect, I don't think i would be able to get one without fixing myself first which is stupid really but its how i feel, Its like if i hate that part of my body someone else will too.


Anime made me realise that all the stuff you think matter, Like appearance,Personality,interests,music.
Dont really matter too much, What matters is that you love that person for being them, And you enjoy there company,


has a anime changed the way you think of relationships?
Anime has made me think of relationships the way Disney has made me think of relationships.
(How many of you are happy to use Disney as a reference for Life relationships?)

If you rely on a fantasy outlet to influence you on human relationships instead of actually going out into society and experiencing and forming human relationships and gaining social skills, you're in for a world of pain and loneliness.

And perhaps disillusion too.

Anime has changed the way I've thought about friendships and courage (thank you shounen anime!) since it's from a Japanese filter after all, something we don't see in the West, but otherwise no.


First advice of the day is
Love yourself.
Accept your own imperfections and know that it's enough. You're not 'lacking' your waiting to be revealed (more and more)

If you see no worth in yourself, no one else will.
And even if someone else can see a spark within you, if your inferior complex is so deep, you'll extinguish that spark within you.

Change the story in your head, alike many hero anime leading characters, aim for something and go for it, no matter what Life throws at you.
(makeru wakeniwa ikanainda!)

Women are attracted to confidence and security, so if a guy feels secure and fairly confident within himself, it'll show and our intuition will sense it in the way you carry yourself

Start from within.
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Old 2013-02-11, 17:47   Link #43
csuree
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mystique View Post
First advice of the day is
Love yourself.
Accept your own imperfections and know that it's enough. You're not 'lacking' your waiting to be revealed (more and more)

If you see no worth in yourself, no one else will.
And even if someone else can see a spark within you, if your inferior complex is so deep, you'll extinguish that spark within you.

Change the story in your head, alike many hero anime leading characters, aim for something and go for it, no matter what Life throws at you.
(makeru wakeniwa ikanainda!)

Women are attracted to confidence and security, so if a guy feels secure and fairly confident within himself, it'll show and our intuition will sense it in the way you carry yourself

Start from within.

well... i can say i failed at the first...right away....
I genuinely hate myself for not being able to change into someone with more guts and being more sociable.
I envy the strong male leads in animes such as Akatsuki(Hagure yuusha). i do not wish to be like him 100% but if i had more confidence in myself i could be more happy.

Currently i am searching for my reason for living....(sounds deep but it is dead serious)...
Well all is because by the summer i will face a problem so big that it can cripple my life if i screw it up....and believe me the chances are stacked against me.....
Also i am anti-social.... i find it hard to speak to people....I tend to play my mp3 player and isolate myself whenever i can, so i have no chance of disappointing myself with false hopes....I truly wish to change myself but it is something so hard.... and given the time limit......i think if i do not change by then.....i will crumble under the pressure and do something stupid to myself......(i did thought of it even today....suicide that is - but my rational mind rejects it strongly)

Damm i hate being miserable....failing at everything and rejecting the world.....these days even reading manga or watching anime does not make me too happy.....even though i do this for over a decade.....(seriously i think i need pro help )

..relationships in animes are not 100% realistic but "every story has a truth in it" and piecing together those little bits can create a beautiful picture. and by being knowledgeble in many animes and types of relationships you take the good parts and can create something better....
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Old 2013-02-11, 18:27   Link #44
DonQuigleone
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You know what. At one point, I thought I had screwed my life up so much that I didn't think there'd be a way to come back from it.

Turns out, life goes on.

Take heart from one simple fact: Nobody cares. And because no one cares, your problems are nothing, because you are the only one who cares about your problems.

As for trying to strengthen yourself, you should give up. It's not possible to change yourself in the fashion you desire. Instead, you have to learn to live with yourself, warts and all. If that means you'll be single for the rest of your life, so be it. Learn to be happy that way. Find other things you can put yourself into.

If you think that way, if a relationship happens to you in the future, it'll be a pleasant bonus. If it doesn't, so be it.

Of course I doubt what I say will help you. You're the only one who can convince yourself. What I wrote was the thinking I used to deal with my problems, but it may not be the thinking for you.

I'd advise seeing if you can find someone to talk to. Maybe a counsellor. There are resources out there if you go looking. And there's no shame in availing of it.
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Old 2013-02-11, 19:24   Link #45
Traece
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There are certainly more than enough animes out there where the relationship is actually pretty realistic. For an example, I finished Chuunibyou last night and there were many things about the romance in that show that I found to be done right. Especially when you look past the "we're anime characters so we're going to be really bashful and awkward" approach that is so prevalent.

It's hard for me to say that it changed my view, though. Exposure to the romance genre has certainly helped get those gears turning to help me decide what I think a relationship should be, though. The reason why it's hard to say it changed me is that the portrayal of romance in anime is awkward compared to what you see in the United States. Plus there's the youth thing. In highschool dating was kind of a big deal and everyone took it more seriously. For myself and others, in retrospect, it was more of a process of asking a girl out and then dating her. It was focused on: "Hey. I like you. Want to date?" Once I became an adult it kind of donned on me that dating isn't a thing. It's not a process. It's not defined. It's less about an act and more about developing a very close relationship with someone else. Fortunately this is one method of romance that does see some depiction in anime. From time to time you do get to see that romance where the characters have zero romantic tension, and then slowly build up a close friendship that eventually bridges into a relationship.

This has been a relationship ramble from someone who needs to get out more.
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Old 2013-02-11, 19:58   Link #46
DonQuigleone
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Actually, I don't think I've ever seen the actual process of dating in Anime, beyond the occasional throwaway episode, and by Dating I mean "A guy asking out a girl to dinner/movie/outing and them learning about one another in order to evaluate each other's suitability as a partner". It occasionally pops up in Shoujo, but even then it's not an accurate representation, as when they go on the date they're already in love. This is a flaw I see quite often in our own Romantic Comedies too.

And it's permeated into our own general culture as well. It used to be that asking a person on a date was fairly non-commital, you were basically saying "I think you're attractive, and may be interesting to talk to". It's the starting point for the relationship. Now it's quickly becoming the end point of the relationship. In an Anime, the show is pretty much reached it's climax when they finally get the guts to ask each on a date.

Among adults, who are less influenced by media, dating retains it's original meaning, but young people take many queues from media, and so many people do not have a very wide selection of women to choose from, as they're limited to their own social circle, as it's not necessarily socially acceptable to ask out near total strangers. As a result, the "dating market" among teens and college students is less "fluid".

People just "fall into" relationships, whereas in the past there was a process that eased people in, which likely helped those who were a bit more nervous (or didn't know any girls) quite a bit.
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Old 2013-02-11, 21:19   Link #47
Ledgem
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
Actually, I don't think I've ever seen the actual process of dating in Anime, beyond the occasional throwaway episode, and by Dating I mean "A guy asking out a girl to dinner/movie/outing and them learning about one another in order to evaluate each other's suitability as a partner". It occasionally pops up in Shoujo, but even then it's not an accurate representation, as when they go on the date they're already in love. This is a flaw I see quite often in our own Romantic Comedies too.
Good point. As Mystique said above, anime presents an idealized version of relationships, romance, you name it. In this case, it's pretty much a guy-based fantasy that you can just be yourself and you'll have attractive girls falling all over themselves for you just by being around them. That part isn't necessarily unrealistic, but as Don pointed out, in anime the relationship just sort of forms at that point and that's it. It's not impossible, but that breaks from most cases in reality.

If you're feeling lonely and unhappy with being single it's very easy to indulge in anime. The important thing to remember (and advice that I could have used back when I was 17) is that idealizations in anime don't carry over to real life. That is to say, behavior and appearance that seem appealing in anime aren't in reality. For example, a lot of cutesy behavior that we see with anime characters is downright annoying (if not borderline psychotic) when people do it in reality. As another example, characters with long hair are rather attractive in anime. In reality, hair doesn't move the way that they animate it, and it's not as flawlessly smooth. Have you ever seen a woman with hair that runs all the way down her back? I've seen a few, and in most cases the hair looked somewhat messy.

The scenarios presented in many anime series appeal to something inside of us, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying the fantasy. Real life relationships may play out and function differently, but they're no less enjoyable.
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Old 2013-02-11, 22:51   Link #48
DonQuigleone
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With Anime, I finally understood why women read Romantic Novels.

And I finally understood how destructive those fantasies can be...
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Old 2013-02-12, 16:11   Link #49
kaito-kid
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How old are you dude?
whatever you do, Just don't get Anime/manga and real live mixed up..
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Old 2013-02-12, 16:18   Link #50
Hooves
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
With Anime, I finally understood why women read Romantic Novels.

And I finally understood how destructive those fantasies can be...
Fantasies can really be destructive in their own manner.
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Old 2013-02-13, 13:36   Link #51
NightbatŪ
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Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
Actually, I don't think I've ever seen the actual process of dating in Anime, beyond the occasional throwaway episode, and by Dating I mean "A guy asking out a girl to dinner/movie/outing and them learning about one another in order to evaluate each other's suitability as a partner". It occasionally pops up in Shoujo, but even then it's not an accurate representation, as when they go on the date they're already in love. This is a flaw I see quite often in our own Romantic Comedies too.
If I may add:

Never forget that animes are scripted, what happens, what actions are taken, what outcomes 'come out ' ()
the characters do not act out of free will, there is no dynamic, no luck, no chance, no 'chaos' involved
it is the work, planning and RESULT by somebody else
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Old 2013-02-13, 14:35   Link #52
DonQuigleone
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Originally Posted by NightbatŪ View Post
If I may add:

Never forget that animes are scripted, what happens, what actions are taken, what outcomes 'come out ' ()
the characters do not act out of free will, there is no dynamic, no luck, no chance, no 'chaos' involved
it is the work, planning and RESULT by somebody else
You make it all sound so creepy...
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Old 2013-02-13, 17:16   Link #53
NightbatŪ
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Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
You make it all sound so creepy...
I see my work is finished
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Old 2013-02-13, 17:27   Link #54
Dr. Casey
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Mobile Suit Gundam AGE works pretty well as a manual for how not to treat your wife.
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Old 2013-02-13, 18:16   Link #55
Triple_R
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Wellll... I would say that these are the principle ideas on romantic relationships that anime conveys (at least the anime shows geared to men, I haven't seen enough shoujo to speak on those):

1. Have a clear goal or drive in your life that others might find interesting or appealing. (ex. Love Hina!, Sakurasou, Ano Natsu, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate).

2. Never appear desperate for love and/or sex. This is the undoing of many a wingman. (ex. Clannad, Kanon, Chuunibyou, Haruhi Suzumiya)

3. In accordance with the above, make sure to never appear particularly interested in romance or sex. The ideal is to make her chase you! (ex. Infinite Stratos, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate, Shakugan no Shana, Haruhi Suzumiya)

4. However, be a good, careful listener. Pay close attention to what your romantic interest says about herself and her life situation (ex. Little Busters!, Mashiro-iro Symphony, Haruhi Suzumiya, Kanon).

5. Everybody has issues, and your romantic interest will be no exception. Here is where the careful listening of No. 4 comes in. When the moment is right, take decisive (and informed!) action to help out your romantic interest. Be a hero with the mind of Batman and the heart of Superman. Make sure your intentions appear as pure as the driven snow (in accordance with 3, and to help accentuate 1 and 2). (ex. every Key property ever turned into an anime)

6. In accordance with 5, be prepared to make use of all of your spare time, resources, connections, and efforts to help your love interest. Don't lose sight of No. 1, but expand your context and vision here. (ex. every Key property ever turned into an anime)

7. Join a club. Any club. The key is to expand your social circle. You're likely to find your love interest in some small, but well-organized, social circle. (Kokoro Connect, Haruhi Suzumiya, Hyouka, Tari Tari, and... way too many more to list )

8. If a girl picks on you a lot, it is a 100% certitude that she likes you and are interested in you. (ex. Every tsundere known to man)

9. It helps a lot if you and your love interest have similar entertainment/life interests (Haruhi Suzumiya, Chuunibyou, Hyouka, Ore no Imouto)


So those are the romantic lessons I've seen conveyed by anime. How true to life do people here think they are? This might make a fun thought experiment, lol.
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Old 2013-02-13, 18:34   Link #56
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
3. In accordance with the above, make sure to never appear particularly interested in romance or sex. The ideal is to make her chase you! (ex. Infinite Stratos, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate, Shakugan no Shana, Haruhi Suzumiya)
Anime pushes this one hard but I disagree with it. It played out in my life that way (not because I was trying to appear cool and uninterested, but because I was oblivious), but I feel like it's fairly rare. We've all seen the guys who "get girls" very easily; what are they doing? They go up and talk to a girl, they invite her places. I've seen a number of smooth guys pull this off, and I felt that the intent behind their actions was fairly clear.

But then, that was college. Try pulling that off in a business setting and the intent is likely to be less clear. Make a reputation as a serious person who is practically asexual and the intent may also be unclear.

As a general rule, people are attracted to confident people (and that goes for non-sexual attraction as well). Confident people do what they want and they appear comfortable doing it. Exceptions abound as everyone is unique, but showing no opening for romance probably isn't going to get many people interested.

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Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
7. Join a club. Any club. The key is to expand your social circle. You're likely to find your love interest in some small, but well-organized, social circle. (Kokoro Connect, Haruhi Suzumiya, Hyouka, Tari Tari, and... way too many more to list )
Agreed. This is like a positive feedback loop: the more people you know, the more people you are going to get to know. Things don't always turn out so straight-forward, either: the attractive girl in your organization might ultimately introduce you to a friend (or group of friends), some of whom you might have better compatibility with. Taking that first step is the difficult part (particularly for those of us who may not be terribly social offline - and chances are that if you're reading this and post regularly here, you fit that description), but once it gets going, it's not very difficult to maintain (unless you move away).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
8. If a girl picks on you a lot, it is a 100% certitude that she likes you and are interested in you. (ex. Every tsundere known to man)
I don't know about this...
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Old 2013-02-13, 18:46   Link #57
Triple_R
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Well, I made this smilie " " after 3 for a reason. That's one of the more dubious ones I think.


However, I kind of agree with 2. I think a lot of "nice guys" get "friendzoned" because their desperation for love/sex comes through, the girl isn't interested in that (at least not right away), and so she friendzones him. Not to mention that I think that people who are desperate for love/sex often come off as "clingy", "perverted", "stressful", or "too high-maintenance" to those that aren't.

So I think it's about reaching a balance. Yes, show that you're open to romance if you really are open to romance, but don't make it seem like you're downright desperate for it. The smooth, confidant dude tends to meet success, in part, because the smoothness and confidence conveys a lack of desperation.
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Old 2013-02-13, 22:05   Link #58
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
However, I kind of agree with 2. I think a lot of "nice guys" get "friendzoned" because their desperation for love/sex comes through, the girl isn't interested in that (at least not right away), and so she friendzones him. Not to mention that I think that people who are desperate for love/sex often come off as "clingy", "perverted", "stressful", or "too high-maintenance" to those that aren't.
Generalizing the process of friend-zoning is difficult, because there's a lot to it. The impression that I get is a bit different, though.

The open period that is often talked about is the period during which you're establishing the relationship, and are revealing yourself to the girl. The stereotype of men pursuing women still plays out even in our society of empowered women, and many girls are used to being hit on in various forms. If you show that you have great compatibility with a girl and also make it seem as if you have no interest in her then, unless she has an interest in you, you are liable to be friend-zoned. The reason is that you have proven yourself to be compatible friendship-wise, and you are safe to promote as a trusted friend because you aren't expressing an interest in her. It's a stable relationship, one that won't be lost by her rejecting your advances and one that won't be put at risk by trying to make it into something more.

I think that the idea of the friend zone is often given greater importance than it really deserves, but it makes sense. Imagine if one of your friends were to become a brother-in-law, or a step-brother. You were comfortable with the relationship as it was before, but now the dynamics have changed. It could be for the better and could strengthen your relationship even further, but it could also just be... weird. There's a risk that the good thing that you had before will be lost. But if it's a friend that you made only recently, then it's not quite as much of a shock. Not only is the friendship likely to be weaker (so there is less to lose), you haven't grown accustomed to it. Whether it's lost or becomes something better, it won't affect you as much as if it were a friendship that had great meaning in your life.

I agree with you about desperation. I think that confidence can mask desperation, though. Someone who is trying to get what they want without confidence comes off as desperate and creepy; someone who is trying to get what they want with confidence comes off as driven, perhaps forceful. It's all in how you carry yourself and present yourself.
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Old 2013-02-13, 23:29   Link #59
Jooced
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Anime/manga hasnt really changed my views on what a relationship is about exactly, but it has made me realize my best chances for a real relationship would be for me to hook up with someone who atleast shared similar interests/beliefs as my own, or to look for someone with similar interests/beliefs in order to even start one.

I've been in a decent amount of relationships since i came to this conclusion but for the most part they end up becoming very unstable pretty quickly and the ones that lasted for a seemingly good amount of time were built on false principles and were doomed to fail only remaining for the physical aspects of it all.

Anyway the point im trying to make here is maybe you arent finding what you are looking for because you are looking in all the wrong places? Or you find yourself having to be someone you really aren't and its not something you are able to do with full confidence since its not the real nature of your person. My suggestion is similar to what has already been said, you should expand your social groups and find the get in where you fit in.
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Old 2013-02-13, 23:52   Link #60
DonQuigleone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple_R View Post
1. Have a clear goal or drive in your life that others might find interesting or appealing. (ex. Love Hina!, Sakurasou, Ano Natsu, Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate).
This can be quite hard actually. And I don't know if it makes much difference anyway. I've found all the girls I've met are fairly nonplussed about the things I'm enthusiastic about.
Quote:
5. Everybody has issues, and your romantic interest will be no exception. Here is where the careful listening of No. 4 comes in. When the moment is right, take decisive (and informed!) action to help out your romantic interest. Be a hero with the mind of Batman and the heart of Superman. Make sure your intentions appear as pure as the driven snow (in accordance with 3, and to help accentuate 1 and 2). (ex. every Key property ever turned into an anime)
When I was younger I had fantasies about this. Doesn't ever happen though, and it creates the bizarre situation where you hoping bad things happen to your crush. But you know what, if a bad thing happened, she probably won't go to you...
Quote:
7. Join a club. Any club. The key is to expand your social circle. You're likely to find your love interest in some small, but well-organized, social circle. (Kokoro Connect, Haruhi Suzumiya, Hyouka, Tari Tari, and... way too many more to list )
From my experience this doesn't work. Most of the clubs I joined were heavily male though. As for the ones with girls, even though I spent substantial amounts of time with them, I was never able to form anything more then superficial connections. Most of the people at my college didn't join any clubs though, instead they went drinking (though, that's pretty much what the people at the clubs did too...)

Quote:
9. It helps a lot if you and your love interest have similar entertainment/life interests (Haruhi Suzumiya, Chuunibyou, Hyouka, Ore no Imouto)
Likely true, but that can be hard if your interests are very niche. I think it's better to not focus on interests too much, and instead try to find people of a similar personality to yourself, and then get interested in their interests (and vice-versa, hopefully), even so, I think there are a fair number of succesful relationships out there where both had fairly little in common(interests-wise).
Quote:
So those are the romantic lessons I've seen conveyed by anime. How true to life do people here think they are? This might make a fun thought experiment, lol.
If you're taking romantic advice from Anime, you've got bigger problems then finding a date .

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
Generalizing the process of friend-zoning is difficult, because there's a lot to it. The impression that I get is a bit different, though.
I can't comment from experience about friend-zoning, but I have had long fruitless crushes. I think it's better for all involved that if you're interested you go straight into a dating process, and deal with rejection. I think friend-zoning and long pointless crushes both stem from not being suitably open about your feelings. She's a woman, you're a man, if you're interested, just politely ask her out for lunch. If that goes well, keep things going, if it doesn't move on.

That's how things were done in our parent's days, I think it's more sensible then just sorta hanging around and hoping you fall into something, because to be honest I don't think that will ever happen. You just have to take the plunge.
Quote:
I agree with you about desperation. I think that confidence can mask desperation, though. Someone who is trying to get what they want without confidence comes off as desperate and creepy; someone who is trying to get what they want with confidence comes off as driven, perhaps forceful. It's all in how you carry yourself and present yourself.
Absolutely, it's not so different from if you were making a friends with a guy. If a guy seemed needy or desperate, would you want to be friends with him?

The mistake some make is thinking that being confidently assertive is the same as being a jerk. It isn't. It's just taking the initiative. So if you just ask her out, you're not infringing on her personal space, and likewise, there's a difference between asking her out politely, and asking her out rudely (sometimes people just from on extreme to another...). Of course, I used to think I'd be imposing/rude if I came out and asked a girl out, which was nonsense, she'd probably be mildly flattered (wouldn't you be if a nice girl asked to meet up with you?).

On a side note, maybe Stephen Colbert was friend-zoned at some point.
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