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Old 2012-08-07, 12:34   Link #1
SaintessHeart
Ehh? EEEEHHHHHH?
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
恋愛の少年少女 / 私の姉は死神で! (Ren'ai no Shoujo Shounen / Watashi No Ane wa Shinigami de! )

Thinking of writing a LN right now with some ideas. See how it goes.

Spoiler for Prologue:


Spoiler for Characters:


Spoiler for Terminology:
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.

Last edited by SaintessHeart; 2012-10-31 at 11:20.
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Old 2012-09-19, 03:36   Link #2
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 57
Okay, I found this amusing once I understood the format you were using for dialog/thoughts/descriptions. Good dialog, easily understood action sequences.

Hey, if we can get several people writing entertaining Light Novels, we might warrant our own subforum
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Old 2012-09-19, 04:45   Link #3
Kimidori
Let's Play
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Age: 20
so what is the title in english?
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Old 2012-09-19, 05:33   Link #4
Seitsuki
Onee!
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Auckland, NZ
"My older sister is a reaper".. I think.

Knew it all along. He can pretend to champion imoutos as much as he likes but his real preference is here for all to see. Onee sans forever o>
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Old 2012-09-19, 05:55   Link #5
NoemiChan
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Age: 26
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This is the same one... you sent me right??!!!
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Old 2012-09-20, 14:13   Link #6
SaintessHeart
Ehh? EEEEHHHHHH?
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seitsuki View Post
"My older sister is a reaper".. I think.

Knew it all along. He can pretend to champion imoutos as much as he likes but his real preference is here for all to see. Onee sans forever o>
There is a duality I used in crafting the title. Instead of using the informal "ore" and "onee-san", I opted for the more formal addresses because the main character is mentally handicapped and lack the social ability for personalised informal speech.

And no, I still prefer lolis.

Another thing, I am shelving this for the time being because of ridiculous work commitments thanks to a major local event. I tried continuing last week but hit a writer's block.....will update you guys over VM once EP02 is out.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2012-10-31, 11:08   Link #7
SaintessHeart
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
Finally I had the mood to format and write a new chapter. Read the previous one here.

Spoiler for CHAPTER 01:
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.

Last edited by SaintessHeart; 2012-11-01 at 03:35.
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Old 2012-10-31, 12:14   Link #8
RRW
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What kind of tsundere is that .

Nice story thought. thought Hana mood swing is kinda bizzare.
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Old 2012-10-31, 12:25   Link #9
FlavoryFantasy
┬──┬╯︵ /(.□. \)
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: At one of the greatest libraries in existence
Age: 20
Fun read, worth the wait!

Quote:
Shoving the boy back onto the couch, the mayor turned to the monk, "Why didn't you fight back, Sansou? Did living in that wooden house turn your steel nerves to wood too?"
It might just be me, but I think it'd be nice to add something of how the boy reacted to this (either fainted or shocked from what just happened.) Small detail really (the scene was already fairly amusing anyway...)

Quote:
The trio walked down the hallway towards the back of the station, with the lady officer at the front and the two old men at the back.

"Wow." whispered Ichirou, staring at the posterior of the female officer, "I wish I was you back then at this moment. I'd let her arrest me all she wants."
I demand finer details for this please. I do not know if she is wearing a skirt, or pants.

Well really...I thought it was good for the most part, aside from maybe an awkward phrase somewhere in there. Not really too much of a critic or in depth sort of guy (well okay I might just be being lazy here....)

I like the characters. Btw what genres are a part of this story? Comedy, romantic, supernatural?

Looking forward to the next update when you have the time to write more!
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Old 2012-10-31, 13:41   Link #10
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 57
The rude boy needs some after shoved down explanation rather than just vanishing ... that was the only real hole I caught on first read. More description of the female police officer to warrant the leering More description of Hana when we first meet her.

Maybe a bit more connectivity between characters in the early part - this is a problem I often have: too many pronouns and not enough "who this is in relation to others". Example: on first read through, I couldn't distinguish between "rude boy" and "hospitalized boy", momentary confusion.

Once we've got Hana and Sansou alone - everything read well and was clear. We start to see why these are interesting characters we'd want to know more about.

I'm probably my own worst critic, I'm still rewriting my first 10 chapters because they're awkward and too sketchy to me when I read them
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Old 2012-11-01, 03:42   Link #11
SaintessHeart
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by RRW View Post
What kind of tsundere is that .

Nice story thought. thought Hana mood swing is kinda bizzare.
Type B.

Her mood swing is her soft spot - because she is a Grade A Reaper, she has that superiority complex. Sansou, given his past in his conversations with Ichirou, probably encountered and dealt with that many times before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FlavoryFantasy View Post
Fun read, worth the wait!

It might just be me, but I think it'd be nice to add something of how the boy reacted to this (either fainted or shocked from what just happened.) Small detail really (the scene was already fairly amusing anyway...)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
The rude boy needs some after shoved down explanation rather than just vanishing ... that was the only real hole I caught on first read.
You guys seem to be looking forward to him getting thrown into the prison.

Actually, I have no idea what to do with the boy because he is only a side character.

Quote:
I demand finer details for this please. I do not know if she is wearing a skirt, or pants.
Quote:
More description of the female police officer to warrant the leering
You guys are perverts!

I fixed the writing a little.

Quote:
Well really...I thought it was good for the most part, aside from maybe an awkward phrase somewhere in there. Not really too much of a critic or in depth sort of guy (well okay I might just be being lazy here....)

I like the characters. Btw what genres are a part of this story? Comedy, romantic, supernatural?
No direction yet. I am planning the 3rd chapter now, so from the responses, I'll see how it goes.

Quote:
Looking forward to the next update when you have the time to write more!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
More description of Hana when we first meet her.
I am planning to keep Hana a mystery that she doesn't even know herself. After all, she is one of the main characters with some sort of older-sister relation to Kakerou; other than her being a sarcastic and spiteful little reaper (like Kuroneko from OreImo and Noir from Dog Days), I am still thinking of ways to make her personality more prominent.

And no, this is not going to be incest related.

Quote:
Maybe a bit more connectivity between characters in the early part - this is a problem I often have: too many pronouns and not enough "who this is in relation to others". Example: on first read through, I couldn't distinguish between "rude boy" and "hospitalized boy", momentary confusion.
I admit, it is very confusing to read with so many pronouns and "third person" perspectives.

Quote:
Once we've got Hana and Sansou alone - everything read well and was clear. We start to see why these are interesting characters we'd want to know more about.
Quote:
I'm probably my own worst critic, I'm still rewriting my first 10 chapters because they're awkward and too sketchy to me when I read them.
Our storyboards are worlds apart. Yours is more down-to-earth, while mine is inclined towards fantasy and stuff that don't exactly exist, like unicorns.

Besides, I think your writing is more consistent than mine. I had lots of plotholes to patch at this moment.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2012-11-01, 04:22   Link #12
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 57
Ah, when I say "more description of Hana" - I meant physical. What does Sanshou *see*? Eyes, hair, skin, clothing, colors, facial expression, etc.? This goes in, general. You could probably double the size of the chapter just by adding more descriptions of what characters see, how they move, etc.

As for the rude boy ... just a quick line about another officer removing him roughly or something... or at least a fearful angry expression with grudging silence ... just some reaction to being shoved on his ass.
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Old 2012-11-01, 07:11   Link #13
SaintessHeart
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vexx View Post
Ah, when I say "more description of Hana" - I meant physical. What does Sanshou *see*? Eyes, hair, skin, clothing, colors, facial expression, etc.? This goes in, general. You could probably double the size of the chapter just by adding more descriptions of what characters see, how they move, etc.
Argh I focused too much on the storyline and ignored how she looks! Dammit!

Quote:
As for the rude boy ... just a quick line about another officer removing him roughly or something... or at least a fearful angry expression with grudging silence ... just some reaction to being shoved on his ass.
I guess that could do. Maybe a little rewriting in place could be good.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2012-11-01, 09:21   Link #14
FlavoryFantasy
┬──┬╯︵ /(.□. \)
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: At one of the greatest libraries in existence
Age: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
You guys seem to be looking forward to him getting thrown into the prison.

Actually, I have no idea what to do with the boy because he is only a side character.
Well I have no idea why he was even there (stole something? got separated from guardian a few hours ago?)...that probably doesn't matter too much really. Just like Vexx said, he just vanished after getting yelled at. Side characters have feelings too! Don't just make them vanish into the background like that.

Quote:
You guys are perverts!

I fixed the writing a little.
If you're going to include something like that...it is not right to have someone just staring. I personally like details, even if it just adds on to teasing and toying with the imagination. Though that doesn't mean you should go too deep into details either... (though it'd be an appreciated bonus of the sort. )

Vexx is right...a physical description of Hana would help for when Sansou encountered her.
I somehow ended up imagining her as some flat chested, green hair loli ready to stab the poor monk. Which was slightly terrifying in a way.
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Old 2012-11-01, 14:46   Link #15
Seitsuki
Onee!
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Auckland, NZ
Nonono, she's an Onee san! Therefore she has to be a long haired, dark mysterious beauty who..

..wait..

Yeah, a description would be nice. Also, that boy is a dick and needs to get beaten up in every subsequent scene he appears in. Just saying.
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Old 2012-11-01, 14:49   Link #16
RRW
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Hana will be Tall, Dark, and Flat Bishojo

Happy?
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Old 2012-11-01, 19:15   Link #17
NoemiChan
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My comment.

I want to kill the boy. Is he a character or just an extra??

I find the bath room scene a bit short... add more details....
NSFW
"Example
Sorry; dynamic content not loaded. Reload?

*Keeps holding his nose while typing with the other hand....Sh*t not now...

Anyway, I really liked it... Keep it up Sir,... and add some more fan service.... guehehehe
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Old 2013-03-27, 08:39   Link #18
SaintessHeart
Ehh? EEEEHHHHHH?
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
恋愛の少年少女 (Ren'ai no Shounen Shoujo)

I can't believe I actually wrote a one-shot shoujo LN.

Cast :
香美 空幻(Koumi Kuugen)
月槍 星南(Tsukiyari Seinan)
綴る記 パッチ(Tsuzuruki Patchy)

TL;DR…
 
Sorry; dynamic content not loaded. Reload?

I'll continue writing my other one soon. Thanks for the motivation people. Especially to the MCs I have based on.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.

Last edited by SaintessHeart; 2013-03-27 at 08:52.
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Old 2013-03-27, 08:41   Link #19
Chaos2Frozen
The Evil Within
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: The Moon that Wizard came from
Age: 25
Oh God, you've actually done it...

...Not even I would ever be bored or crazy enough to do this.
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Old 2013-03-27, 09:48   Link #20
RRW
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Please escape while you still can S-chan.

I will give you loli if you do
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