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Old 2013-03-27, 10:00   Link #21
Chaos2Frozen
I Am Undone
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Drangelic, or by a different name...
Age: 25
Such overcomplicated plot...

Do we even know if flavory knows those two that well?
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Old 2013-03-27, 10:07   Link #22
SaintessHeart
Ehh? EEEEHHHHHH?
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
This is supposed to be the first of many parts. Although with that title, it would be better as a collection of short love stories.
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When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2013-03-27, 10:16   Link #23
Chaos2Frozen
I Am Undone
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Drangelic, or by a different name...
Age: 25
Seems like a lot of effort for just a Seitsuki =_=
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Old 2013-03-27, 10:18   Link #24
FlavoryFantasy
┬──┬╯︵ /(.□. \)
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Supporting Venera-sama & Zvezda in conquering the world!
Age: 20
I truly have no words for this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaos2Frozen View Post
Such overcomplicated plot...

Do we even know if flavory knows those two that well?
I don't. Well I know a bit about them, but not well enough to err be put into a story together with them.

Saintess is just...y'know crazy.
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Old 2013-03-27, 10:28   Link #25
Ridwan
Got A Bad Desire
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: قلوب المؤمنين
Next thing you will write about will be about me and Chaos-kun.

I wouldn't mind that, actually.
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Old 2013-03-27, 10:32   Link #26
SaintessHeart
Ehh? EEEEHHHHHH?
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaos2Frozen View Post
Seems like a lot of effort for just a Seitsuki =_=
A coincidence actually. When I ran through kanji dictionaries the names are ridiculously easy to craft and give an impact, unlike ShiniAne (my other LN), names are hard to build because of the required impacts on the story later on. In fact, all 3 names are made in less than 15 minutes.

Maybe it is fate? I don't know.

@Flavory : Actually this oneshot gave me some motivation to continue my flowchart for ShiniAne. Sorry for making you like this, but your name is cute and so is your character.

I promise I'll reuse this name properly in ShiniAne if I can think up of a filler.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2013-03-27, 12:57   Link #27
FlavoryFantasy
┬──┬╯︵ /(.□. \)
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Supporting Venera-sama & Zvezda in conquering the world!
Age: 20
Well I guess I'm glad it has given you some motivation to continue your other fic I do want to see where that goes. But this...this is...
Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
@Flavory : Actually this oneshot gave me some motivation to continue my flowchart for ShiniAne. Sorry for making you like this, but your name is cute and so is your character.

I promise I'll reuse this name properly in ShiniAne if I can think up of a filler.
I don't even... Sumeragi & Hastur have really affected you. It's only a matter of time before it goes to the next stage.
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Old 2013-03-27, 13:39   Link #28
Seitsuki
Onee!
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Auckland, NZ
How did this.. I don't..

Good grief, now I'm dreaming about AS in my sleep. I need a therapist.
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thanks to Patchy ♥

Last edited by Seitsuki; 2013-03-27 at 15:28. Reason: Kill me
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Old 2013-03-27, 18:07   Link #29
SaintessHeart
Ehh? EEEEHHHHHH?
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
@ Flavory : Hastur is a loli.

Now all I need to do is to translate the conversation portions between Seinan and Kuugen/Koumi to Japanese for the voiced VN effect.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2013-03-27, 18:25   Link #30
Chaos2Frozen
I Am Undone
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Drangelic, or by a different name...
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlavoryFantasy View Post
Well I guess I'm glad it has given you some motivation to continue your other fic I do want to see where that goes. But this...this is...

I don't even... Sumeragi & Hastur have really affected you. It's only a matter of time before it goes to the next stage.
You should head to the nearest jojo store and get yourself the manilest avatar you can find.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Seitsuki View Post
How did this.. I don't..

Good grief, now I'm dreaming about AS in my sleep. I need a therapist.
You want to tell Patchy that she's involved in a love triangle now, or should I ?


I'm convinced there would be tears and chest beating involve...
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Old 2013-03-27, 18:40   Link #31
SaintessHeart
Ehh? EEEEHHHHHH?
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chaos2Frozen View Post
You should head to the nearest jojo store and get yourself the manilest avatar you can find.




You want to tell Patchy that she's involved in a love triangle now, or should I ?


I'm convinced there would be tears and chest beating involve...
She probably won't hear about it because her profile is restricted.

I'll put fanart-ing this on hold. ShiniAne has stalled for too long.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
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Old 2013-03-27, 19:04   Link #32
Chaos2Frozen
I Am Undone
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Drangelic, or by a different name...
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
She probably won't hear about it because her profile is restricted.
.
Eh? Restricted? I guess Seitsuki is the overbearing, overprotective type huh.... Suddenly that secluded mountain shrine hideout seems so much plausible...
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Old 2013-03-27, 19:25   Link #33
Seitsuki
Onee!
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Auckland, NZ
I deny it. I'm nice. It's for her own good anyway.
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thanks to Patchy ♥
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Old 2013-03-27, 21:14   Link #34
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 56
This was amusing. I thought the comedy aspects were played well. Some awkward sentences and dialog but nothing a few more edit passes wouldn't fix.
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Old 2013-03-28, 02:17   Link #35
Azuma Denton
~AD~
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Oh god, what have they done to you S-kun??


Objective review:
Hmm quite amusing, though it lacks the physical description of the characters. I thought that all the characters are healthy 17 years old until Seinan writes 7.
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Old 2013-03-28, 02:37   Link #36
Chaos2Frozen
I Am Undone
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Drangelic, or by a different name...
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Azuma Denton View Post
Oh god, what have they done to you S-kun??
Shhh! Don't look at the crazy man...
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Old 2013-03-28, 02:57   Link #37
Sumeragi
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Dai Korai Teikoku
I'll abstain from reading this, for the time being. I need all the blood I can save.
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Old 2013-03-28, 03:11   Link #38
Chaos2Frozen
I Am Undone
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Drangelic, or by a different name...
Age: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sumeragi View Post
I'll abstain from reading this, for the time being. I need all the blood I can save.
...To do... What ?
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Old 2013-03-28, 03:12   Link #39
Sleep_ping
The Restless FTL
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Saint Agnes and the Burning Train
Age: 23
Ignoring the characters aside, one thing I have to say is that this story really jumps straight into the action (or comedy). However, the substantial use of such an exchange of scenes is more befitting of a rapid-fire 4-koma. I do not see a decent actual introduction of the characters when they appear in this story, and this, to me is a huge negative because it does not explain a lot of things. For example, why are the kids over at Patchy's house? Why is Patchy in charge of taking care of them? Why would Kuugen, a 7 year old, be able to push Patchy, who I assum is in her teens, considering that she has to head to her own room to change and also ends up as the caretaker (the cooking stoves in a house are relatively tall for children to prevent them from playing with the fire)? I have issues about the title as well, but I'll leave that for further chapters before I can comment on it. As a reader, I feel like I've been shafted through a random gist of scenes in the house over characters I can't imagine who they are like. Even if you tell me they are forum members, one thing I like to do as a reader is to know the appearances of the people and play through the scenes in my mind. The main defining characteristics of the characters are already set in stone. At this point, I feel that this setting should be around the 1st-2nd chapter of the story, after the Prologue, because of a lack of smooth entry feeling.

Alright, I admit, since you have the craziness to do this, I might as well be crazy enough to critique it. Right, anyone still wants me to critique?
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Old 2013-03-28, 03:34   Link #40
Seitsuki
Onee!
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Auckland, NZ
......it's not what.. you don't.. I'm not really..

I'll never get married now! /runs crying into sunset
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based on true events, cute puppy love, shoujo, trap-shota, tsundere x kuudere

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