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Old 2013-02-27, 07:05   Link #21
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
so this chapter is continued from the previous chapter,my updates on the story will probably be late from here on because of the college, but please be patient and thank you for reading the story so far,
like always i will appreciate any of your thoughts on the story and pointing out my grammatical and writing mistakes.

the name of the chapter 7 is "Cure of Blood"


Spoiler for Cure of Blood:
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Old 2013-02-27, 20:18   Link #22
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 56
I think watching you improve over the seven chapters is almost as interesting as the story. Massive improvements.

I'd recommend you go back and overhaul the first few chapters so they match the quality of your more recent chapters, in terms of story content, descriptions, and formatting.

You're not using 'standard grammar rules' (especially on dialog) but you're very consistent so it is quite easy to read anyway.

For the moment, I'd suggest putting a space outside of quote marks:
Quote:
“Mr.Klein”Ricardo called out, ---> "Mr. Klein!" Ricardo called out,

amplify his voice,”we are facing ---> amplify his voice. "We are facing
Makes it a little easier to read.

Make use of punctuation to end sentences, especially for questions or shouts:

Quote:
"What the hell!?"
"Where might you be going?"
"That's quite a cat."
"Maybe. What are ... oh my goodness!"
The story is a good fast paced read.
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Old 2013-02-27, 21:47   Link #23
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
^first of all thanks millions for replying and giving your thoughts about this
and by overhauling the first few chapters, do you mean that the quality of the first chapters was better than the recent ones, i agree that i have reduced the amount of surrounding description but that is because i thought that general set up would have been created in the mind by the time you reach the 7th chapter and also because of the content if you go into more detail descriptions then it will become too long, i try to keep it as short as possible without compromising the story,because if it's too long people might not read it

and the reason i do not put spaces after commas and at the conversation is also the same to save space,

and i will try to make good use of the punctuation from now
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Old 2013-02-27, 22:50   Link #24
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 56
I actually like descriptive text, it helps the reader visualize the scene. Mostly I just meant the formatting. If you compare the first and last chapters - the first one has all the text crammed together. It is just hard to read. The last chapter makes good use of white space to help group dialog and descriptions.

Yeah, you shouldn't have to repeat descriptions after the first few times. You might say what the character is wearing or if they've changed their hair but otherwise you should only need facial expressions.

I'll admit I'm more prone to Tolkien style writing - I say what the weather is like, the dust in the air, etc. For action writing, that doesn't work quite as well. The only thing I don't like to see is a page of dialog where I lose track of who is saying what - there's a happy medium.
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Old 2013-02-28, 04:10   Link #25
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
well i hope my writing live upto your liking,
mind if i ask exactly how have you pictured the universe up till now, don't need to explain in detail words you can give examples of other popular works like, novels or movies or anime and tell which one is similar to your imagination of this universe
and what more would you like to see in it.
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Old 2013-02-28, 17:44   Link #26
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 56
Hang on ... not ignoring you. Just very distracted by crocodiles in the swamp :0
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Old 2013-05-23, 06:35   Link #27
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
first of all thank you a million to all those who read this story and for so many views,
i have been very busy with my end-sem finals, so could not post further chapters, but i am almost over with my finals and now i have time to take the story further, i have already written the next two chapters only editing is remaining and they will be up soon,
soon i will be also posting some other details about my writing and inspirations so that you can have a better view of this universe

as usual i'd like to know your thoughts on this and i hope my writing has improved and less mistakes and i hope you enjoy reading this

so i have the 8th chapter "A City at War"

Spoiler for Chapter 8: A City at War:
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Last edited by mystogan; 2014-07-06 at 02:18.
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Old 2013-05-27, 06:22   Link #28
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
the story, the characters, the plot are all my own thoughts but here are some of my inspirations for the universe.

Anime: Fairy Tail
Books: Lies of Locke Lamora
Game: Assassin's Creed(2,brotherhood)

and the 9th chapter "The Roussel"

Spoiler for Chapter 9: The Roussel:
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Last edited by mystogan; 2013-05-30 at 06:14.
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Old 2013-06-08, 03:10   Link #29
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
the 10th chapter, just a note, the action in this chapter might be complicated,i mean their moves and all,
and as usual tell my mistakes and your thoughts

Chapter 10: "The Flame Wizard"

Spoiler for Chapter 10: The Flame Wizard:
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Old 2013-06-18, 13:23   Link #30
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
i hope my writing style and this story has been pleasing you, i am still trying to improve on my writing and grammatical mistakes.
i think the length of the chapter has been getting bigger, but the content has been growing as well

Here's the 11th chapter: "A Scheme in the Dark"

Spoiler for Chapter 11: "A Scheme in the Dark":
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Old 2013-06-20, 03:21   Link #31
Vexx
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 56
Quote:
i hope my writing style and this story has been pleasing you, i am still trying to improve on my writing and grammatical mistakes.
i think the length of the chapter has been getting bigger, but the content has been growing as well
Definitely getting better and at this point - even if the grammar is off the storyflow and dialog is very readable. You're consistent in how you apply grammatical construction and that helps tremendously even if it is non-standard.

yeah, chapter length will probably keep increasing just naturally. My first pack of chapter releases, I struggled to create more than 10 or 15 pages. Now it's rare I don't hit 30 even in rough draft.

Most important, I'm enjoying the story. I don't have to guess who's talking. When they talk, they're making sense and referencing things that are made clear by context or earlier description.

There is some minor verbal static easily fixed in second or third draft fixes. One example:
Quote:
Then when half of the city was poisoned by this, and the city turned against me, then i hired a couple of Mages from the Dragon nest
The first comma and the second "then", remove them and the sentence reads more cleanly.

Then when half of the city was poisoned by this and they turned against me, I hired mages from the Dragon Nest to ...

I'll often read my dialog out loud to see if it sounds awkward, missed a word, etc.
OTOH, I most often spot errors the instant after I hit the post button
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Old 2013-06-20, 08:43   Link #32
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
ah finally, i was wondering whether you are following this story or not
thank you very much, i'll pay more attention towards the mistakes and errors and i am glad that you are enjoying the story. it get's more exciting afterwards
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Old 2013-07-10, 12:39   Link #33
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
sorry for the late update i have been locked up in a lot of college stuff,the days are just getting very tiresome, but somehow making time for this, the next chapter might also be a little late but i'll try to get it up as soon as possible


so here is they next chapter "Chapter 12: A Night in Lybster", i hope you enjoy it
Spoiler for Chapter 12: A Night in Lybster:
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Old 2013-07-13, 14:42   Link #34
Kerspunkle
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Your imagination
Aw! Now I feel sad because I want to know what happens next! Must...be...patient! But I will say that I'm glad that you're still updating despite your busy schedule.

Anyways, I think you've really improved not just in your writing but in your storytelling as well. I also think you've gotten clearer in your descriptions of what's happening.

A tip on quotations is that anytime someone initiates a sentence, there's a capital letter after it.

I enjoy reading the descriptions of the clothes they wear. Some Lies of Locke Lamora influence there?
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Old 2013-07-13, 14:50   Link #35
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
of course there is an influence of Lies of Locke Lamora, i mentioned it earlier, i am happy that you are enjoying it, i'll see to it what you mention about the sentence initiation

and yes it had been getting difficult to write regularly but i'll try my best
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Old 2013-07-13, 15:09   Link #36
Kerspunkle
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Your imagination
Oh, I was meaning it as a compliment. I think it's cool when I get to know what inspires an author. I also think the descriptions of the clothing were done well because they were detailed but not so much that it gets boring or anything.

Well, it's good to see that you're still writing. It's always nice to see updates to this story.
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Old 2013-08-01, 10:13   Link #37
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
so recently i have been in bad shape so i wasn't able to put an update here,
but here is the next chapter and it is filled with action from start to end and it is more than just magical energy blasting here and there.

this time i had to work hard a little bit for this chapter, i hope you enjoy the action

a Note: the battles are happening simultaneously

"Chapter 13: Dragonest vs Scourge Chaos"

Spoiler for Chapter 13: Dragonest vs Scourge Chaos:
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Old 2013-08-13, 23:56   Link #38
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
i am being occupied by a lot of things, so i am not able to prepare a chapter quickly, i am having lot of work to do in which i am finding less peaceful time to write, but i'll try to post the next chapter as soon as possible
as always i am trying to improve my writing and make less mistakes and i hope it is turning out that way

for now here is the next chapter, "Chapter 14: Scared to Fight"

Spoiler for Chapter 14: Scared to Fight:
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Old 2013-09-05, 22:51   Link #39
Kerspunkle
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Your imagination
Entertaining as always! I enjoyed the battles in these last chapters. I liked how they each tried to outsmart their opponents. I thought the battle between Erica and Raegen seemed a little more confusing than the previous battles though. Rather than using so many commas, maybe you could try using character names and short sentences to make it easier for the reader to understand.
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Old 2013-09-05, 23:27   Link #40
mystogan
The Lost Lamb
 
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: in Darkness
i am glad you are enjoying the battles i hope the one between Lukas and Wolgrin was not confusing ,well i try not to use characters names every time i refer to them, but i'll see to it that it is not confusing and easy to understand.
thanks, point taken and i'll be posting a new chapter in a couple of days
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