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Old 2014-01-27, 21:19   Link #21
Fireminer
Lumine Passio
*Author
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hanoi, Vietnam
Age: 8
Hmm...I can't say that I'm a very reliable reader, but from my experience with my father's movie scripts, this is quite well. Try to pack more emotion in your lines. Make every word worth it.

Also, a bit of short action description will be nice.
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Old 2014-01-27, 22:52   Link #22
speedyexpress48
Boo, you whore
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Smokin that CO bong
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Hm...yes. Some action description would be nice. Will have to add it later though...
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Old 2014-01-29, 16:01   Link #23
Novarri
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Slumberland
Just finished reading the prologue and liked how you placed the setting in America.

My only gripes would be three things:

1: The main character seems very pessimistic, you did a good job of displaying a fairly traumatic scene in his life and how it brought him down to such a level but I hope is not too dark that it drags down the story and he refuses romantic interest flags.

2. The internet scene, I think you did pretty good but could benefit from some separation of the names like in Sekaimo.
Heres an example:

I decide to get on the computer and join a random IRC room for kicks. Hm…

*Guest10009 has joined #california
Topic is ~Welcome to #california-The OFFICAL channel for random shit on OtakuNetwork! %Cactus Notice-If you have any questions, DO NOT contact the "administration". They are here for looks only and not actual moderation. If you ask them they MIGHT answer your question. Or you'll just get kb'ed. (Don't worry, the kb's only last 2 seconds.)
nanohachan:> hurr, durr, etc.
Cactus:> so CaliforniaRedneck
Cactus:> hey hey
Cactus:> I just met you
Cactus:> here's my number
Cactus:> so call me NEVER YOUR GAY
CaliforniaRedneck:> Digging up a 5 year old meme
CaliforniaRedneck:> Can't you get better material
nanohachan:> LOL
Cocona:> …
Cocona:> Rewrite anime is horrible
nanohachan:> is it
nanohachan:> I don't think it's bad
Seishi:> It's not bad, it's just not as good as other stuff based on Key VNs
Ustnap ^
IceDuck:> Slap Princess for me
Hizou:> Princess iz a fag…
Princess:> …
*Hizou was kicked by Princess (GET THE FUCK OUT)
Princess:> IceDuck
Princess:> helpppp me
IceDuck:> GO CANUCKS
IceDuck:> um, after I, uh…
Princess:> I can't figure out how to draw this hand
IceDuck:> figure out yourself n00b
Ikuu:> …
*Princess kicks Nyanoha.
Nyanoha:> hi
Guest10009:> hi
IceDuck:> oh boy, a new n00b
nanohachan:> time for some fun then
*You were kicked by nanohachan (lolz. congrats. come back later, okay?)



That did not go well. At all.

Something like that could really help the reading.

3. Your main character seems like a fair high level recluse and in my experience, recluse do not like change unless remaining the same would be seriously detrimental to their way of life. You main character has no need for money, or room or board supposedly. So he has little reason to leave and go to California.
Tragedy, depression, and money typically equals avoidance in many cases (Depending on the tragedy and cause of depression of course). If I were you I would push for a more stronger reason to go to California. Heres an example, he declines his sister's request and decides to stay home and play video games. However, his neighbors who have grown increasingly suspicious as to why he stays home and never leaves the house to go to work like they do, continue to bombard him with backyard party invites, invitations to community events (Pretend for the sake of things he lives in a tight nit community.), so on and so forth. It's too the point that he can not even order manga and anime through Fedex and UPS without a neighbor trying to stop him for a long winded pointless conversation. After ignoring his sister's request, he gets a knock on his door which turns out to be a large crowd of neighbors asking him if he will accept the honor of sponsoring the neighborhoods largest community get-together in the coming week. The main character can see he doesn't have much of a choice in regards to refusing and so chooses the only excuse he can, he will be visiting his little sister and unable to attend. Clue in chapter 1-

This can give the reader more insight into his mind and interactions with those he's actual familiar with as opposed to strangers where we automatically react with a different set of voice.

Thats all really...
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Old 2014-02-01, 16:03   Link #24
speedyexpress48
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That's my old fic lol I stopped writing it long ago

Thanks for the comments though
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