Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[Wild Goose]

Not only do you get a familliar (and oh the jokes you can make at his expense), but it also opens up things and more drama, and Nanoha will also have someone who understands what it's like to use magic (as opposed to Kyoya and Miyuki who have Training From Hell). Plus, there's no mana drain on Nanoha.

In fact I'd suggest entirely against a familliar. In her weakened state that you're writing, the familliar could either kill her or use up enough of her magic as to make her magically useless - a squib, if you like.

[Laith]

Spoiler for The Wolf and The Girl pt 2:

The road was made easier to Nanoha thanks to the wolf accompanying her. Although she kept thinking that the orange wolf would appear any second, she didn’t feel completely scared at that happening, as she had the protection of the wolf.

Without realizing it, she was just some steps away from her friend´s house. Looking happy at the sight of the known house, she started to walk faster, to be away of the horrible forest as quick as possible. Arriving at the fence that protected the house, she turned at her back, to thank the wolf, when she saw that there wolf was no where to be found. Waving it off, she crossed the door of the fence and knocked on the door.

“One moment please,” a female voice said. Nanoha knew that her friend was the one that had answered, though she wondered why she was still awake. Perhaps she had arrived in one of those nights were she did one of those things that she was not supposed to know. The door opened and her friend, a brunette with blue eyes, coincidentally the same characteristics as her. “Nanoha, what are you doing here?” she asked surprised at the sudden visit. After all it wasn’t something common that Nanoha visited her in the middle of the night.

“Ummm,” Nanoha hesitated to answering the question. After all she had gone there for her help, but now that she was in there, she got nervous at the thought of what the girl would think from running away. “May I come in? I don’t want to talk about it outside.” She said avoiding the issue for the moment.

“Sure, come on in” the girl just motioned to Nanoha to pass. Gratefully accepting the invitation, Nanoha stepped into the house. It was small, as one would guess being in the forest, but for the two persons it was perfect. Walking into the living room, where they always were, Nanoha noticed that her friend´s companion who was usually there, was no where to be found.

“Where is-” before she could finish her sentence she noticed that her friend was not near here. “Hayate?” she asked. Looking the trail she had just walked, she heard some weird sounds that sounded like moaning coming from the kitchen. Although her curiosity killed her, she decided to wait in the living room. After all the one time she saw what they were doing, jealousy and embracement were the emotions that she felt.

As she waited for her friend to be unoccupied, she saw something that before was indifferent and unimportant but right now was something that caught her attention. Above the fireplace, there were some portraits of her friend and her companion, in which they were all lovey-dovey. But three of them were different.
One had a person that looked like her friend´s companion, her twin sister
according to them, a girl with orange hair was in the next portrait. She was in the care of the sister if Nanoha remembered well. But the third one was that of a man, or rather a teenager. He had blue hair and red eyes. The interesting thing was not the portrait itself but the sense of familiarity that she felt when looking at the portrait. She was sure that she hadn’t met the guy in all of her life and yet…

“Sorry Nanoha, I was a little busy.” Hayate said while entering the living room. Her companion, a blonde with red eyes, entered behind her. She was blushing while entering to the room. Nanoha guessed why she was all red but didn’t make any comment about it. “So why are you here Nanoha? Did you fight with Yuuno once again?”

“No, it is not related to him,” Nanoha sighed and just dropped the bomb silently.

“I ran away from home.”

TSS wins= gets Zafoha
Laith wins= gets to write Alicia
Everybody wins (cept BPHaru and VT) = Cause this is no Nanofate and the thread is updated

[markesellus]

Originally Posted by Laith

Spoiler for The Wolf and The Girl pt 2:

The road was made easier to Nanoha thanks to the wolf accompanying her. Although she kept thinking that the orange wolf would appear any second, she didn’t feel completely scared at that happening, as she had the protection of the wolf.

Without realizing it, she was just some steps away from her friend´s house. Looking happy at the sight of the known house, she started to walk faster, to be away of the horrible forest as quick as possible. Arriving at the fence that protected the house, she turned at her back, to thank the wolf, when she saw that there wolf was no where to be found. Waving it off, she crossed the door of the fence and knocked on the door.

“One moment please,” a female voice said. Nanoha knew that her friend was the one that had answered, though she wondered why she was still awake. Perhaps she had arrived in one of those nights were she did one of those things that she was not supposed to know. The door opened and her friend, a brunette with blue eyes, coincidentally the same characteristics as her. “Nanoha, what are you doing here?” she asked surprised at the sudden visit. After all it wasn’t something common that Nanoha visited her in the middle of the night.

“Ummm,” Nanoha hesitated to answering the question. After all she had gone there for her help, but now that she was in there, she got nervous at the thought of what the girl would think from running away. “May I come in? I don’t want to talk about it outside.” She said avoiding the issue for the moment.

“Sure, come on in” the girl just motioned to Nanoha to pass. Gratefully accepting the invitation, Nanoha stepped into the house. It was small, as one would guess being in the forest, but for the two persons it was perfect. Walking into the living room, where they always were, Nanoha noticed that her friend´s companion who was usually there, was no where to be found.

“Where is-” before she could finish her sentence she noticed that her friend was not near here. “Hayate?” she asked. Looking the trail she had just walked, she heard some weird sounds that sounded like moaning coming from the kitchen. Although her curiosity killed her, she decided to wait in the living room. After all the one time she saw what they were doing, jealousy and embracement were the emotions that she felt.

As she waited for her friend to be unoccupied, she saw something that before was indifferent and unimportant but right now was something that caught her attention. Above the fireplace, there were some portraits of her friend and her companion, in which they were all lovey-dovey. But three of them were different.
One had a person that looked like her friend´s companion, her twin sister
according to them, a girl with orange hair was in the next portrait. She was in the care of the sister if Nanoha remembered well. But the third one was that of a man, or rather a teenager. He had blue hair and red eyes. The interesting thing was not the portrait itself but the sense of familiarity that she felt when looking at the portrait. She was sure that she hadn’t met the guy in all of her life and yet…

“Sorry Nanoha, I was a little busy.” Hayate said while entering the living room. Her companion, a blonde with red eyes, entered behind her. She was blushing while entering to the room. Nanoha guessed why she was all red but didn’t make any comment about it. “So why are you here Nanoha? Did you fight with Yuuno once again?”

“No, it is not related to him,” Nanoha sighed and just dropped the bomb silently.

“I ran away from home.”

TSS wins= gets Zafoha
Laith wins= gets to write Alicia
Everybody wins (cept BPHaru and VT) = Cause this is no Nanofate and the thread is updated

You really like Alicia don't you? Anyways, this looks interesting some HayaFate included. I wonder what's going to happen when Nanoha finds out that Zafira is a wolf and the guy in the picture.

[Laith]

Originally Posted by markesellus

You really like Alicia don't you?

Whatever made you think that?/sarcasm. Its ´cause she is the original ya know?... yeah i wont talk like that never again.

Anyways, this looks interesting some HayaFate included. I wonder what's going to happen when Nanoha finds out that Zafira is a wolf and the guy in the picture.

HayaFate... yeah hayafate. Cause there is no other pairing <= Forgot to write name.

[Evil Rick]

Short chapter, but it includes a big revelation on the story plot

Revelation

Spoiler for Chapter 20:

Botan Jungle

The invaders pulled out some strange swords who were charged with electricity and attaccked Vita, they though it was gonna be easy, a simple kid would not mean a trouble, their surprise couldn't be bigger when Vita smashed away the first one, a single swing with Graff Eissen and the invader was launched against a tree

"What the...?!" The invaders were now scared

"Don't just stand there you idiots! Kill her!" The leader added

The soldiers remained static, shaking, without been sure of obey the orders or run away, Vita rised Graff Eissen, the soldirs charged against her

"Graff Eissen!"

[Explotion!]

Before they could do anything, the soldiers were alredy fling over the trees

"Holly S@$%&!!!" The leader said after seing his heanchmens being dispatched so easely

Vita aproached the big machine that they bring to cut down the trees, with a single hit, the machine was launched over its back, crowling, the invader's leader came out of the dust shaking and with his pants wet

"Y-Y-You will pay for this! T-T-This is not over!"

"Get out of here and never come back!!!" Vita screamed

Cring like a little girl, the guy standed up and ran into the forest

The villagers screamerd and claimed Vita, all were laughing and jumping around Vita

"Those fools will think it twice before coming here again" Vita though and returned to the celebration along with the Villagers
------------------------------------------------------------------------

TSAB Main Quarters

"There must be some mistake!" Fate said

"I wish that, but I'm afraid that the probs are clear, we have witneses, grabations of the station... Vivio attacked Subaru" Hayate said

"It doesn't make sence... why would Vivio protect this girl at the point of attacking Subaru?" Signum asked

"Remember that that Girl is the most intelligent person in the Univeres, she probably convinced Vivio somehow" Hayate added

"No... convinced her? No, this... this is all wrong!" Fate added again

"There si nothing we can do now Fate... there are people above us, you know that... Vivio atacket Subaru, an oficial of the TSAB, Vivio is now a criminal" Hayate said with a serious voice

"You better shut your mouth Hayate" Nanoha entered in the room, her charming smile had dissapeared, instead of that, her face has become in a reflect of wrath

"Nanoha..." Signum tried to speak

"Vivio is not a criminal! If you are looking for one, then focus your atention in that Karil girl"

"Na.. Nanoha..." There was fear on Fate's words

"The answer is simple... find this Karil... AND KILL HER!" Nanoha comanded, the room was filled with a deadly silence after that
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Botan Jungle, next day

The sun raised again on the village at the middle of that jungle, Vita, wearing her Jacket Barrier came out of the wodd house, although she was loving that place, sje knew she couldn't saty there forever, probably Hayate and the others were worried and she wanted to stay a bit more of time with Vivio

The kids of the village had adopted the invaders abandonated machine as playground, plus there was no sign of the invaders, Vita was sure that the place was gonna be fine, she would visit it in the future, she would tell Hayate to put the village under the TSAB protection in order to make sure that no one will threath it again, Vita didn't knew, that the cruelest part of her quest was about to begin

The villagers randevous with the chief and Vita, she wanted to say goodbye, but she wasn't sure how

"I... I must leave" Vita pointed at the sky "I must retun with my friends"

As answer, the chief gave Vita a big pice of paper, Confused, Vita looked at it, it was a map, a map of the jungle, the chief pointed at an espesific poit of the map, a section in green, then he pointed to the groun

"This point is the village?" Vita asked pointing at the ground too, the chief nooded

He then pointec at Vita, then to another part of the map, the draw looked like a temple, at the north of the village

"You... want me to go there?" Vita asked poinbting at herself, then to the temple in the map, the chief smiled and nooded

Vita tough it a bit, she doesn't understood why, but she nooded

"Okay... I'll go"

Like if the villagers had understood, they all screamed and jumped of hapyness, Vita then turn around and followed the direction of the map

After some minutes, Vita was deep inside the jungle, following the track on the map, it was basically go north

"Why do they want me to go there?" Vita asked to herself "Would it be related with the fact that they were so happy of having me on the village?"

In the map, the path passed along a statue of a human head, Vita found the big head of rock, broken and covered with plants and roots

"I think I'm on my w...!"

Suddenly, a male figure jumped in fron of Vita, out of the big rock head

The figure turned and looked at Vita, it was some kind of man wearing a blue armor with the shape of a Shark

"What the...?!" Vita said

"So, it is true, the choosen one has finally come to save the realms from Armageddon" The warrior said

"Uhmm... Armageddon? What are you talking about?" Vita asked while grabing Graff Eissen, this guy looked much more dangerous than those invaders

"Don't try to moke me Vita, know this, you'll never complete your quest, you should stay on the Book of Darkness"

"Looks like you know much about me, but I know nothing about you... 'Friend'" Vita said

"I'm not your friend! I'm Leviathan, a desterrated prince of Atlantis, you'll die at my hands ih this place Vita..."

Vita knew that a conflict was inevitable, she rised Graff Eissen but before she could took action, Leviathan said something that shocked her

"Know this before die, when I have kill you, I'll kill your sister as well, and the Master Light will be mine!"

"what?! My... my Sister?! I have a Sister?!!" Vita was more than shoked, this Leviathan, whoever was he, seemed to know things that Vita didn't knew... or that she has forgoted

Coming soon: Renders of Leviathan & Karil

[BPHaru]

Originally Posted by Laith

Everybody wins (cept BPHaru and VT) = Cause this is no Nanofate

I'm happy with your Crossroads, so you don't have to worry about that, I'll be gladly waiting as long as necessary for your next chapter ^^
Also right now is kind of good to don't have more NanoFate to read, I'm reading at least one fic daily before going to sleep but my fic queue seems to be growing each day... I'm wondering if the recent explosion of activity in the Spanish communities was something good or bad... but I can't complain about the beautiful fics the people is writing there
BTW, I hope you liked our last doujin, Laith ^^

Cuídense y sigan sonriendo

[markesellus]

Originally Posted by Evil Rick

Short chapter, but it includes a big revelation on the story plot

Revelation

Spoiler for Chapter 20:

Botan Jungle

The invaders pulled out some strange swords who were charged with electricity and attaccked Vita, they though it was gonna be easy, a simple kid would not mean a trouble, their surprise couldn't be bigger when Vita smashed away the first one, a single swing with Graff Eissen and the invader was launched against a tree

"What the...?!" The invaders were now scared

"Don't just stand there you idiots! Kill her!" The leader added

The soldiers remained static, shaking, without been sure of obey the orders or run away, Vita rised Graff Eissen, the soldirs charged against her

"Graff Eissen!"

[Explotion!]

Before they could do anything, the soldiers were alredy fling over the trees

"Holly S@$%&!!!" The leader said after seing his heanchmens being dispatched so easely

Vita aproached the big machine that they bring to cut down the trees, with a single hit, the machine was launched over its back, crowling, the invader's leader came out of the dust shaking and with his pants wet

"Y-Y-You will pay for this! T-T-This is not over!"

"Get out of here and never come back!!!" Vita screamed

Cring like a little girl, the guy standed up and ran into the forest

The villagers screamerd and claimed Vita, all were laughing and jumping around Vita

"Those fools will think it twice before coming here again" Vita though and returned to the celebration along with the Villagers
------------------------------------------------------------------------

TSAB Main Quarters

"There must be some mistake!" Fate said

"I wish that, but I'm afraid that the probs are clear, we have witneses, grabations of the station... Vivio attacked Subaru" Hayate said

"It doesn't make sence... why would Vivio protect this girl at the point of attacking Subaru?" Signum asked

"Remember that that Girl is the most intelligent person in the Univeres, she probably convinced Vivio somehow" Hayate added

"No... convinced her? No, this... this is all wrong!" Fate added again

"There si nothing we can do now Fate... there are people above us, you know that... Vivio atacket Subaru, an oficial of the TSAB, Vivio is now a criminal" Hayate said with a serious voice

"You better shut your mouth Hayate" Nanoha entered in the room, her charming smile had dissapeared, instead of that, her face has become in a reflect of wrath

"Nanoha..." Signum tried to speak

"Vivio is not a criminal! If you are looking for one, then focus your atention in that Karil girl"

"Na.. Nanoha..." There was fear on Fate's words

"The answer is simple... find this Karil... AND KILL HER!" Nanoha comanded, the room was filled with a deadly silence after that
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Botan Jungle, next day

The sun raised again on the village at the middle of that jungle, Vita, wearing her Jacket Barrier came out of the wodd house, although she was loving that place, sje knew she couldn't saty there forever, probably Hayate and the others were worried and she wanted to stay a bit more of time with Vivio

The kids of the village had adopted the invaders abandonated machine as playground, plus there was no sign of the invaders, Vita was sure that the place was gonna be fine, she would visit it in the future, she would tell Hayate to put the village under the TSAB protection in order to make sure that no one will threath it again, Vita didn't knew, that the cruelest part of her quest was about to begin

The villagers randevous with the chief and Vita, she wanted to say goodbye, but she wasn't sure how

"I... I must leave" Vita pointed at the sky "I must retun with my friends"

As answer, the chief gave Vita a big pice of paper, Confused, Vita looked at it, it was a map, a map of the jungle, the chief pointed at an espesific poit of the map, a section in green, then he pointed to the groun

"This point is the village?" Vita asked pointing at the ground too, the chief nooded

He then pointec at Vita, then to another part of the map, the draw looked like a temple, at the north of the village

"You... want me to go there?" Vita asked poinbting at herself, then to the temple in the map, the chief smiled and nooded

Vita tough it a bit, she doesn't understood why, but she nooded

"Okay... I'll go"

Like if the villagers had understood, they all screamed and jumped of hapyness, Vita then turn around and followed the direction of the map

After some minutes, Vita was deep inside the jungle, following the track on the map, it was basically go north

"Why do they want me to go there?" Vita asked to herself "Would it be related with the fact that they were so happy of having me on the village?"

In the map, the path passed along a statue of a human head, Vita found the big head of rock, broken and covered with plants and roots

"I think I'm on my w...!"

Suddenly, a male figure jumped in fron of Vita, out of the big rock head

The figure turned and looked at Vita, it was some kind of man wearing a blue armor with the shape of a Shark

"What the...?!" Vita said

"So, it is true, the choosen one has finally come to save the realms from Armageddon" The warrior said

"Uhmm... Armageddon? What are you talking about?" Vita asked while grabing Graff Eissen, this guy looked much more dangerous than those invaders

"Don't try to moke me Vita, know this, you'll never complete your quest, you should stay on the Book of Darkness"

"Looks like you know much about me, but I know nothing about you... 'Friend'" Vita said

"I'm not your friend! I'm Leviathan, a desterrated prince of Atlantis, you'll die at my hands ih this place Vita..."

Vita knew that a conflict was inevitable, she rised Graff Eissen but before she could took action, Leviathan said something that shocked her

"Know this before die, when I have kill you, I'll kill your sister as well, and the Master Light will be mine!"

"what?! My... my Sister?! I have a Sister?!!" Vita was more than shoked, this Leviathan, whoever was he, seemed to know things that Vita didn't knew... or that she has forgoted

Coming soon: Renders of Leviathan & Karil

Nanoha is scary. ;.; Anyways, I wonder who this Leviathan guy is...and what!? Vita has a sister? Hmmm, this just gets more and more interesting. Can't wait for that render of Karil (she's so cool!).

[Advent000]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Heh, thank you. ^^ Everything worked out great, so now it's working again like a dream. I managed to get most of my lost songs back onto it, too. What a relief, since my music usually carries me through a story.

Now then... this is the prologue for my story, tentatively titled "Bless the Broken Road". If any of you recognize the song, you get a free Internet cookie. This is prior to the timeskip, so Nanoha is only eleven (since she got hurt after being in the TSAB for two years). I wrote this after rewriting my college essay three times for my father, so I'm a little fried right now.

Anyway...

Spoiler for Bless the Broken Road: Prologue:

Bless the Broken Road

Prologue

“… Extensive and deep injuries to her back and neck…”

“… Especially traumatic blows to her chest and lungs…”

“We’re losing her… we’re losing her! Call in Shamal-san, quickly! Tell her it’s an emergency!!”

“Poor kid… she’ll probably never wake up again. Even if she does, I doubt she’ll even be able to walk. If you ask me, she’s better off dead.”

“I’m sorry, Nanoha… you can never fly again.”

“Listen, even if by some miracle you can handle small amounts of magic, that’s as far as you’ll ever be able to go. Do you understand? Push yourself any farther, and you’ll die.”

“We have friends in England who have expressed an interest in helping you, Nanoha. I’m sure you can find what you want to do there, don’t you think? Just give it a shot and see what happens, and if you aren’t happy you can come back home.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX

“Nanoha? Nanoha, sweetie, are you still with me? Come down from the stars, dear.”

The soft, gently amused voice snapped Nanoha out of her trance; that and the words spoken to her were in the native English of the land and not the Japanese she’d known all her life. Smiling weakly she leaned forward and picked up her cup, gulping down a mouthful of tea in the hopes that it would calm her. “Sorry,” she whispered, faltering slightly as the word rolled off her tongue. While she was relatively fluent at speaking English from classes, she was still having a hard time adjusting to speaking it on a regular basis.

Fiasse Crystera laughed and leaned back in her chair, the sunlight gleaming against the cross that dangled from a gold chain around her neck. The only way Nanoha could think to describe the older woman as was warm; her laughter, her voice, even her presence was calming and gentle, like a warm breeze on a sunny summer day. Only a few years older than Kyouya, the headmistress of Crystera Song School had been a childhood friend of both Kyouya and Miyuki and had expressed an interest in watching over Nanoha as she struggled to find her way after recovery.

“Ah, well, you’re young, you’re allowed. I remember the first time I spaced out on Iria. She must have scolded me for two hours straight.”

Nanoha giggled, and Fiasse smiled quietly as the child visibly relaxed. It didn’t last long; as the door creaked open she stiffened up like a board, her shoulders flying up to her ears. Smiling reassuringly at Nanoha, Fiasse peered over her shoulder. “Elise! I was beginning to worry. You’re not usually late.” The Headmistress frowned. “I was beginning to think that deathtrap of yours had finally killed you.”
“My apologies, and Fiasse, it’s a motorcycle, not a deathtrap. It’s a common method of transportation nowadays.”
“You couldn’t pay me to get on one of those things, even if it’s common!”

Curious by the gentle bickering, Nanoha turned and craned her neck, peering over the top of her chair, successfully getting her first glimpse of Elise McGaren, the woman who would be her mentor and caretaker during her time in England. The woman was younger than Fiasse, appearing to be Kyouya’s age, and her long blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail that made her look sleek and dangerous. The jacket she usually wore was unbuttoned a bit at the top, giving her a more carefree appearance than she’d had in photographs Nanoha had seen; still, there was sharpness to her gaze, a confident way she walked, that couldn’t be ignored.

“No more talk of deathtraps,” Fiasse decided, and lifted a hand to beckon Elise in; Nanoha turned back to the other woman as she heard the door click. “Elise, you remember Nanoha, don’t you?”
“Dimly. Last time I saw her was in a photograph… I think she was six or seven at the time.”
“Well then, come and introduce yourself.”

Nanoha straightened up as Elise walked into her view, studying the child for a moment; she glanced briefly at Fiasse before stepping across to her, and she held out her hand in a Western style greeting. Swallowing nerves, Nanoha took it. “Hi. I’m Nanoha. Taka… er… Nanoha Takamachi.”
“Elise McGaren.” Elise smiled slightly, and her face seemed to relax. “You’ve got your mother’s looks. Momoko was always too kind to me.”

At the mention of her mother, Nanoha’s eyes lit up briefly. Chuckling quietly to herself, Fiasse gently rubbed her cross between her fingers before clearing her throat.

“Nanoha, as you know, Elise will be your guardian while you stay here, for as ever long as you wish. In agreement with your father’s wishes, you will also be enrolled in the Song School; it’s easier on Elise financially since I’m her employer, and you’ll still get your main education.” She smiled. “Just think of the singing lessons as a bonus.”

Nanoha blinked; a look of dismay filled her eyes.

“But… I’m not good at singing!”

The eleven-year-old knew she should have felt insulted as Elise’s laughter filled the room and Fiasse giggled behind her hand, but instead she felt as if she belonged as she laughed, too.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX

Later that day, Fiasse stood by her window, gazing quietly out across the school grounds; the sun was setting, casting different hues of red and orange across a sky that eventually would become blue and purple. She sighed quietly and touched her hand to her cross, feeling the warmth radiating from it.

“So,” she murmured, closing her eyes. “What do you think… Sweet Song?”

A moment of silence; then, the sound of a computer-generated English voice filled the room.

“I believe she has lost her way, ma’am.”
“Given time, I think Elise and I can help her find it again. Do you think so, Sweet Song?”
“There is no reason to doubt you, ma’am.”

Fiasse laughed quietly and opened her eyes, touching her hand to the glass as stars gleamed to life.

“It’s nice to know you’re confident enough for the two of us, Sweet Song.”
“I do what I can, ma’am.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX

The room in Elise’s apartment was a little smaller than what Nanoha had been used to, but all things considered it was a good room. It had been decorated sparsely, with the thought being that a little girl would live within it but that she could choose what she liked when she was ready. A small lamp had been placed by her bedside and left on, perhaps with the intention of soothing her on her supposed first night away from home.

It certainly wasn’t Nanoha’s first night away from home, sleeping in a bed that wasn’t her own, but as she sat there, tightly clenching her bed sheets and feeling her eyes sting, she wondered why it felt so different.

She shook her head furiously, wiping her eyes. Knock it off, she ordered herself mentally as tears rose again. This isn’t your first time away from home. It’s not like you haven’t been homesick before. This is just like any other time.

Just like any other time, except for the fact that Raising Heart wasn’t lying on her drawer, and she had severed all ties with the people she’d considered her closest friends. Feeling a lump well in her throat, Nanoha allowed a soft whimper to escape.

Maybe this wasn’t like any other time, after all.

“I thought you’d have a rough time tonight.”

Nanoha knew it was Elise’s voice, but as her head snapped up and she stared, she gaped; the words had been spoken not in English, like she’d been hearing all day, but in Japanese. Fluent Japanese, too, without any trace of an accent. Elise smiled briefly as she stood in the doorway, gripping two glasses in her hands; she started in, moving slowly to balance the glasses.

“I spent most of my childhood in Japan, as did Fiasse,” the blonde informed her, carefully settling on the bed and putting one glass on the drawer. “We’re both fluent in Japanese, and I figured you’d be more comfortable with it.” She rolled her shoulders briefly before holding the glass out to Nanoha. “Here, drink this.”
Nanoha blinked several times before taking the glass; it felt warm in her hands. “Um…”
“It’s warm milk mixed with cinnamon.” Elise reached over to retrieve her own glass, taking a deep drink. “My mother used to make it for me when I had trouble sleeping. I thought it would help.”

Nanoha hesitated briefly; she nodded quietly, murmuring a soft “Thank you” as she lifted the glass to her lips. Elise lowered her own glass but kept her hold on it, observing the younger girl over the rim. After a few minutes of drinking, Nanoha lowered the glass and licked her lips, smiling timidly at Elise. “It’s good.”
“That’s a relief.” Chuckling, Elise swallowed another mouthful of milk. “Ever since I’ve been on my own I’ve only made it for myself, so I’ve never known if it’s still as good to anyone else.”

The brunette giggled before lifting her glass to her lips again, taking another long drink; content, Elise set her glass back on the drawer and leaned against the pillows, her eyes half-closed and content. Watching Nanoha out of the corner of her eye, she noted the younger girl had finished her glass completely and smiled quietly to herself, closing her eyes.

For a moment, Nanoha watched Elise timidly, not sure if the blonde was asleep or if it was just a rouse so she could lower her guard. After a moment, she pulled the covers closer to her chin and inched closer to Elise, watching her nervously all the while. When Elise didn’t stir she scooted a little closer, so their sides were touching; but still, the older woman kept her eyes closed, her breathing deep and even.

More confident now, Nanoha scooted closer still and rested her cheek against Elise’s shoulder, one hand coming up so her fingers could tangle in long golden locks that had been left unbound and felt as silky as they looked. With a tired sigh the brunette closed her eyes and, in the way of children, was asleep in minutes.

After a moment, Elise opened one eye, surveying her charge silently; she smiled slightly before closing her eye and settled down again, letting sleep claim her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX

In the darkness of Elise’s kitchen, an opened envelope lay on the table. It wasn’t marked; all that had been written on it was her own address. The blonde had opened it briefly to look at the contents before placing it back inside, intending to leave it until morning.

Inside the envelope, gleaming and completely repaired, was Raising Heart.

Elise decided to give the device to Nanoha tomorrow. It would be a nice way to surprise her

On my end, the hardest thing about this was writing Elise and Fiasse, as I'm only familiar with their OVA selves and... yeah, the OVA's only 4 episodes long. I aso had a pretty rough time with Nanoha, but hopefully she isn't too OOC...

I've never seen the OVA, so I don't have anything to judge them by, and I thought that Nanoha was in Character.

Looking forward to chap 1.

Originally Posted by Evil Rick

Short chapter, but it includes a big revelation on the story plot

Revelation

Spoiler for Chapter 20:

Botan Jungle

The invaders pulled out some strange swords who were charged with electricity and attaccked Vita, they though it was gonna be easy, a simple kid would not mean a trouble, their surprise couldn't be bigger when Vita smashed away the first one, a single swing with Graff Eissen and the invader was launched against a tree

"What the...?!" The invaders were now scared

"Don't just stand there you idiots! Kill her!" The leader added

The soldiers remained static, shaking, without been sure of obey the orders or run away, Vita rised Graff Eissen, the soldirs charged against her

"Graff Eissen!"

[Explotion!]

Before they could do anything, the soldiers were alredy fling over the trees

"Holly S@$%&!!!" The leader said after seing his heanchmens being dispatched so easely

Vita aproached the big machine that they bring to cut down the trees, with a single hit, the machine was launched over its back, crowling, the invader's leader came out of the dust shaking and with his pants wet

"Y-Y-You will pay for this! T-T-This is not over!"

"Get out of here and never come back!!!" Vita screamed

Cring like a little girl, the guy standed up and ran into the forest

The villagers screamerd and claimed Vita, all were laughing and jumping around Vita

"Those fools will think it twice before coming here again" Vita though and returned to the celebration along with the Villagers
------------------------------------------------------------------------

TSAB Main Quarters

"There must be some mistake!" Fate said

"I wish that, but I'm afraid that the probs are clear, we have witneses, grabations of the station... Vivio attacked Subaru" Hayate said

"It doesn't make sence... why would Vivio protect this girl at the point of attacking Subaru?" Signum asked

"Remember that that Girl is the most intelligent person in the Univeres, she probably convinced Vivio somehow" Hayate added

"No... convinced her? No, this... this is all wrong!" Fate added again

"There si nothing we can do now Fate... there are people above us, you know that... Vivio atacket Subaru, an oficial of the TSAB, Vivio is now a criminal" Hayate said with a serious voice

"You better shut your mouth Hayate" Nanoha entered in the room, her charming smile had dissapeared, instead of that, her face has become in a reflect of wrath

"Nanoha..." Signum tried to speak

"Vivio is not a criminal! If you are looking for one, then focus your atention in that Karil girl"

"Na.. Nanoha..." There was fear on Fate's words

"The answer is simple... find this Karil... AND KILL HER!" Nanoha comanded, the room was filled with a deadly silence after that
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Botan Jungle, next day

The sun raised again on the village at the middle of that jungle, Vita, wearing her Jacket Barrier came out of the wodd house, although she was loving that place, sje knew she couldn't saty there forever, probably Hayate and the others were worried and she wanted to stay a bit more of time with Vivio

The kids of the village had adopted the invaders abandonated machine as playground, plus there was no sign of the invaders, Vita was sure that the place was gonna be fine, she would visit it in the future, she would tell Hayate to put the village under the TSAB protection in order to make sure that no one will threath it again, Vita didn't knew, that the cruelest part of her quest was about to begin

The villagers randevous with the chief and Vita, she wanted to say goodbye, but she wasn't sure how

"I... I must leave" Vita pointed at the sky "I must retun with my friends"

As answer, the chief gave Vita a big pice of paper, Confused, Vita looked at it, it was a map, a map of the jungle, the chief pointed at an espesific poit of the map, a section in green, then he pointed to the groun

"This point is the village?" Vita asked pointing at the ground too, the chief nooded

He then pointec at Vita, then to another part of the map, the draw looked like a temple, at the north of the village

"You... want me to go there?" Vita asked poinbting at herself, then to the temple in the map, the chief smiled and nooded

Vita tough it a bit, she doesn't understood why, but she nooded

"Okay... I'll go"

Like if the villagers had understood, they all screamed and jumped of hapyness, Vita then turn around and followed the direction of the map

After some minutes, Vita was deep inside the jungle, following the track on the map, it was basically go north

"Why do they want me to go there?" Vita asked to herself "Would it be related with the fact that they were so happy of having me on the village?"

In the map, the path passed along a statue of a human head, Vita found the big head of rock, broken and covered with plants and roots

"I think I'm on my w...!"

Suddenly, a male figure jumped in fron of Vita, out of the big rock head

The figure turned and looked at Vita, it was some kind of man wearing a blue armor with the shape of a Shark

"What the...?!" Vita said

"So, it is true, the choosen one has finally come to save the realms from Armageddon" The warrior said

"Uhmm... Armageddon? What are you talking about?" Vita asked while grabing Graff Eissen, this guy looked much more dangerous than those invaders

"Don't try to moke me Vita, know this, you'll never complete your quest, you should stay on the Book of Darkness"

"Looks like you know much about me, but I know nothing about you... 'Friend'" Vita said

"I'm not your friend! I'm Leviathan, a desterrated prince of Atlantis, you'll die at my hands ih this place Vita..."

Vita knew that a conflict was inevitable, she rised Graff Eissen but before she could took action, Leviathan said something that shocked her

"Know this before die, when I have kill you, I'll kill your sister as well, and the Master Light will be mine!"

"what?! My... my Sister?! I have a Sister?!!" Vita was more than shoked, this Leviathan, whoever was he, seemed to know things that Vita didn't knew... or that she has forgoted

Coming soon: Renders of Leviathan & Karil

I get the feeling that Karil and Vivio will soon see why Nanoha got the nickname "White Devil".

And Vita has a Sister theres a revelation and a half.

[TerranReaper]

Spoiler for Chapter 3:

Chapter 3: Jake’s Viral Intentions

Jake sat down on a chair and took a puff from his cigar.

Jake: Now, let us get down to buisness. First-

Nanoha: Wait; let me ask you a few questions first.

Jake:*Look impatient* Very well, ask away but do not waste my time.

Nanoha: I would like to know how you people found out Mid-Childa. We exist in another dimension so it should be impossible to spot us.

Jake: This is supposed to be classified but I will tell you since you wanna know. Our Hubble telescope has been converted to military use and an experimental dimension piercer enables the Hubble to peer into what scientists call the other dimension. Theoratical at first but after they spotted your planet, there was quite a hype in the lab. Anything else?

Fate: I have. How did you get to our dimension?

Jake: Man, you ask too many questions. The Terrans have also developed an experimental portal that enables interdimension travels. Mind you, it is still experimental and after 5 hours of use, it will have to be recharged for 5 hours before use. *Look impatient again* Now let me ask you a question. What was your ship doing in our system?

Fate: Well, my brother said that he was looking for an isolated place in the Sol System so that mages can do training in isolation. Apparently, his scouts ran into your patrols and with a little argument, both sides got into a shootout.

Jake: Why our system?

Nanoha: *Tapped her foot* Now you’re the one asking too many questions. That is Chrono’s reason and he never told us why.

Jake: You expect me to believe that?

Nanoha: Yes. We never lie and I can guarantee you that.

Jake smiled and bared his teeth.

Jake: Then thank you very much; you just gave me a reason to assimilate you all! Now with 5 hours of spare time, I can damage this puny planet before luring the military here! Those fools are in my way to conquering Earth and making it my Alpha Strain world! *Open suitcase* Chow down on my leech vectors.

Vita woke up and found herself locked in a storeroom. She used Graf Eisen to smash down the door.

Vita: What just happened? I rememberd that old man who attacked me with something. I bet he’s still here. That geezer better be prepared to taste my hammer!

But she could not move her legs. It walked by itself and it went the other way. Soon, she lost control of her entire body and it acted on its own.

Vita: What is this?! I can’t control myself!

She lumbered out of Saint Church and towards Cranagan. Suddenly, as if she had a lot of energy and speed, her legs sprinted as fast a cheetah. Vita could feel part of her mind gone, taken over by whatever was in her body. Back at Admiral Chrono’s office, leeches sprung everywhere but Nanoha, Fate, and Hayate avoided them.

Hayate: Have the Terrans sent us a zombie to do negotiations?! What are they trying to pull off?!

Fate: Obviously, they’re looking for an excuse to wage war with us! We’ll warn Chrono later but now we must fight him first!

Nanoha fired magic attacks after magic attacks at the ever-multiplying army of virus-carrying leeches that she almost trashed Chrono’s office…but they still came. One of it latched onto her feet and crwled up her body.

Nanoha: Eeekkk! Get it off me get it off me! *Squished the leech* Get off my legs! *More climbed onto her* There’s too many of them!

Fate: Let’s fly out of here!

Hayate: Agreed! If we continue fighting, we won’t survive!

However, when the three were about to fly out the window, two individuals burst in and grabbed their feet. They were infected guards.

Jake: You can’t escape me. Once I detonate this viral bomb into the city’s water supply, there will be no escape. I must thank the humans for toying with us viruses. Now that I have his entire body under my control, I will lead my army of Alpha Strains to take over you all.

Signum: Taking over the world again, how very typical of you, old geezer or maybe I should call you virus.

Hayate: Signum!

Signum: I already suspected something was wrong when I saw Vita coming out of Saint Church like some kind of zombie cheetah. I guess my hunch was right.

Jake: Another victim. Get that pink-haired lady!

The guards pulled the three mahou shoujos in and leapt at Signum. She just swung her sword once and cut the two infected guards in half. The leeches that came after her were also cut down with ease. Signum then combined Laevatein and the scabbard to form a bow. She pulled the bow back and an arrow formed.

Signum:*Point bow and arrow at Jake* Who are you?

Jake: I-am-your-worst-nightmare.

He gave a smile worthy of Jail Scaglietti. Jake took out an injector rifle and shot a syringe of red liquid at Signum. She grabbed it between her fingers and smiled back.

Signum: That was predictable.

Jake: Wanna bet on that?

There was a beep and the syringe exploded, sending red liquid splashing all over her body.

Signum: Hey, that wasn’t fair!

Jake: Nothing is fair. Now I’ll deal with those three brats.

They were gone though. The three had already flown out the window.

Jake: Bah, I’ll get them later. Now, I shall alert the Terrans so that they send an entire regiment here. I’ll infect them one by one so no one on Earth can stop me. Long have those military fools impede my fellow viruses from dominating Earth. Lucky for me, I came alone as Admiral Kiethon’s trusted negotiator. That fool won’t suspect me as the culprit.

Signum began to feel dizzy and she foght the urge to faint. Jake came by to her side and kicked her to the floor.

Jake: Jake is no more. His body and mind are mine, the lord of Alpha Strains. Before you black out, I’ll tell you where I originated. You won’t remember a thing anyway. I am from Terran Advance Labs, Sector Omega. Modified to be a biological weapon, we were designed to make our targets lose control of their body. Jake became my victim when he came visiting to that lab. More victims will come later.

Signum slowly closed her eyes and fainted from the viral infection. Jake laughed and went on to infect the rest of Saint Church’s personnels.

What should Nanoha, Fate, and Hayate do now?
A) Warn the citizens of Cranagan
B) Tell the incident to the top brass
C) Gather reinforcements and return to fight

Spoiler for Second story in planning.:

My second story will be much better. Details will be given when I complete chapter 4. Title is called Firestorm

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by markesellus

Well this was good. Aww, Elise and Nanoha are so cute. I didn't think Nanoha was OoC. I kind of thought Elise was because of the way she acted in Triangle Heart. But she could have changed after the whole incident. Either way I'm liking it, and I'm glad Raising Heart is fixed.

Yeah... I willingly admit Elise is probably slightly OOC, if only because she's an OVA-only character and I only have four episodes to work with... I really winged it with her characterization, especially as far as her interaction with Nanoha goes. But I imagined she might have loosened up after meeting Kyouya and Miyuki again (at least in Triangle Heart), so... yeah.

And to be honest, I want to avoid Nanoha meeting up with any of her friends until the time-skip, if only for the angst factor. Maybe I'm lazy, but I feel that trying to put Yuuno into the mix early on would lose the point of Nanoha trying to find her own way and figuring out what she can do with only a limited amount of magic. Meh, maybe I'm over thinking it.

[Hiria]

Originally Posted by Satashi

you guys are funny :P

Nanoha looked at Vivio questingly. "What are you doing sweetie?"

"Taking pictures of my room to show my friends online."

The mother considered this. "Did you clean your room first?"

"Nope, too lazy." The teen took a picture and went about uploading them.

Nanoha smiled, ignoring the fact that the imag showed one of Vivio's bras hanging off the bed. Her daughter would learn the hard way to double check everything before showing her friends...

Spoiler for pics:

Bedroom:




and my office:

Oooohh. I like your room and office. ^^ and the Vivio fic too.
You have pleeeenty of posters. ^^

Originally Posted by Knight of L-sama

Me thinks this last pic has potential for answers... >.> <.< I vote for Satashi being a perfectly typical (albeit long-time merchandise hoarder) female with shoujo and shounen and spartan tastes in decorating. >.> You just don't strike me as being very male-y... >.>

Spoiler for Bedroom of Manhood:

Yuuno was glowing like a pregnant woman several months along as he walked beside Nanoha. Everything had gone perfectly. His reservation at the fancy-pancy French restaurant that he had saved up for for 10 months had not only pleased Nanoha but had given her a chance to excuse him from ever spending that much money on her again. There had been some pleasant physical flirting at the dinner table, although Yuuno hadn't worked up the courage to kiss her or anything so bold, he believed he was headed towards at the very least a good-night kiss.

They stopped at the complex where they both lived (although on different floors) and both waited for the other to say something.

Yuuno gulped. "Well, this is it, I guess. I had a great time tonight."

"Mm. Me too." Nanoha looked up at Yuuno shyly and said, "It's still early. Do you think I could... come up to your room?"

Yuuno was so happy with this turn of events that it did not even occur to him to check his room before letting Nanoha in.

That was his first mistake.

"You have a nice room. You like really like hanging things up on your walls, don't you? Ooh! I don't even have this volume! How much did it cost to buy the whole series?"

"Uh... not much... I gathered it little by little..." Yuuno looked around, hoping that some incriminating evidence of his nightly excursions weren't out in the open. While Nanoha was distracted with his manga collection, he deftly grabbed a stray bra and threw it in the back of his closet, just before Nanoha turned around.

"Oh-Em-Ef-Gee!!!" To Yuuno's horror, Nanoha had seen his stuffed animals that he kept at the top of his video-shelves in mint condition. Nanoha exclaimed, "A limited edition Pikachu plushie! I have to have it! How much are you selling it for? I'll give you a thousand dollars for it."

"O.o W-what? I'm not selling-" Yuuno stopped, realizing his manhood was at stake. "I mean, I'm saving it for... a friend! Yeah, a friend that really likes plushies. I mean, I obviously didn't buy it for myself. I don't like cute, fluffy things like..."

"And Hamtaro! Wait, that's not Hamtaro... it's... it's..." Nanoha frowned and then laughed. "I don't actually watch the series, so it's hard to remember all their names..."

"Pashmina..." Yuuno looked away, hoping Nanoha didn't pick up on anything else.

"What? Did you say something?"

"No, nothing... Look, Nanoha, can we do something else?"

"What do you mean? Your room is /so/ cool, Yuuno. It actually reminds me of Fate's growing up, except she had more black randomly thrown places. She would keep all her stuffed animals in one place."

"Mm..." Yuuno blinked and then snapped his head around to vehemently deny, "They're not mine! I'm saving them for a friend! A /friend/!"

Nanoha stopped and stared at him for a moment and then grinned. Before Yuuno even knew what she was doing, she jumped up and snatched a black kitty plushie off the edge of the plushie array. She held its neck in one hand and its tail in the other.

"If you're just saving them for a friend, I could pull off the tail of this one and just buy a replacement, right? You wouldn't ca-"

Yuuno threw himself at Nanoha's feet, tears stinging his eyes, "Okay, okay stop it! Stop it! It's mine! I admit it, it's mine! Just please! Don't hurt my Mr. Snuggle-wuffle!"

Nanoha stared at him for a while longer before giggling and handing over the plushie, which Yuuno hugged with feverish affection.

Nanoha's next words made Yuuno freeze in his tracks.

"You're such a girly-girl, Yuuno." But that wasn't nearly as bad as, "You know, we should go shopping together sometime; I bet you know where all the cutest things are. Us girlfriends gotta stick together, right?"

Yuuno whimpered as plans for marriage and wedding dresses collapsed in his mind.

[Game Over]
[Reason for Death: Demoted to 'girl friend' status]
[DOOM]

^^ And you know, I think Satashi only keeps it a secret because we keep trying to guess like its such a big deal. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. XP

Edit: Although, the idea of plushies and what looks like alcohol being stored in the same place makes me giggle.

poor yunno! ahahahaha! xD xD

[markesellus]

Originally Posted by TerranReaper

Spoiler for Chapter 3:

Chapter 3: Jake’s Viral Intentions

Jake sat down on a chair and took a puff from his cigar.

Jake: Now, let us get down to buisness. First-

Nanoha: Wait; let me ask you a few questions first.

Jake:*Look impatient* Very well, ask away but do not waste my time.

Nanoha: I would like to know how you people found out Mid-Childa. We exist in another dimension so it should be impossible to spot us.

Jake: This is supposed to be classified but I will tell you since you wanna know. Our Hubble telescope has been converted to military use and an experimental dimension piercer enables the Hubble to peer into what scientists call the other dimension. Theoratical at first but after they spotted your planet, there was quite a hype in the lab. Anything else?

Fate: I have. How did you get to our dimension?

Jake: Man, you ask too many questions. The Terrans have also developed an experimental portal that enables interdimension travels. Mind you, it is still experimental and after 5 hours of use, it will have to be recharged for 5 hours before use. *Look impatient again* Now let me ask you a question. What was your ship doing in our system?

Fate: Well, my brother said that he was looking for an isolated place in the Sol System so that mages can do training in isolation. Apparently, his scouts ran into your patrols and with a little argument, both sides got into a shootout.

Jake: Why our system?

Nanoha: *Tapped her foot* Now you’re the one asking too many questions. That is Chrono’s reason and he never told us why.

Jake: You expect me to believe that?

Nanoha: Yes. We never lie and I can guarantee you that.

Jake smiled and bared his teeth.

Jake: Then thank you very much; you just gave me a reason to assimilate you all! Now with 5 hours of spare time, I can damage this puny planet before luring the military here! Those fools are in my way to conquering Earth and making it my Alpha Strain world! *Open suitcase* Chow down on my leech vectors.

Vita woke up and found herself locked in a storeroom. She used Graf Eisen to smash down the door.

Vita: What just happened? I rememberd that old man who attacked me with something. I bet he’s still here. That geezer better be prepared to taste my hammer!

But she could not move her legs. It walked by itself and it went the other way. Soon, she lost control of her entire body and it acted on its own.

Vita: What is this?! I can’t control myself!

She lumbered out of Saint Church and towards Cranagan. Suddenly, as if she had a lot of energy and speed, her legs sprinted as fast a cheetah. Vita could feel part of her mind gone, taken over by whatever was in her body. Back at Admiral Chrono’s office, leeches sprung everywhere but Nanoha, Fate, and Hayate avoided them.

Hayate: Have the Terrans sent us a zombie to do negotiations?! What are they trying to pull off?!

Fate: Obviously, they’re looking for an excuse to wage war with us! We’ll warn Chrono later but now we must fight him first!

Nanoha fired magic attacks after magic attacks at the ever-multiplying army of virus-carrying leeches that she almost trashed Chrono’s office…but they still came. One of it latched onto her feet and crwled up her body.

Nanoha: Eeekkk! Get it off me get it off me! *Squished the leech* Get off my legs! *More climbed onto her* There’s too many of them!

Fate: Let’s fly out of here!

Hayate: Agreed! If we continue fighting, we won’t survive!

However, when the three were about to fly out the window, two individuals burst in and grabbed their feet. They were infected guards.

Jake: You can’t escape me. Once I detonate this viral bomb into the city’s water supply, there will be no escape. I must thank the humans for toying with us viruses. Now that I have his entire body under my control, I will lead my army of Alpha Strains to take over you all.

Signum: Taking over the world again, how very typical of you, old geezer or maybe I should call you virus.

Hayate: Signum!

Signum: I already suspected something was wrong when I saw Vita coming out of Saint Church like some kind of zombie cheetah. I guess my hunch was right.

Jake: Another victim. Get that pink-haired lady!

The guards pulled the three mahou shoujos in and leapt at Signum. She just swung her sword once and cut the two infected guards in half. The leeches that came after her were also cut down with ease. Signum then combined Laevatein and the scabbard to form a bow. She pulled the bow back and an arrow formed.

Signum:*Point bow and arrow at Jake* Who are you?

Jake: I-am-your-worst-nightmare.

He gave a smile worthy of Jail Scaglietti. Jake took out an injector rifle and shot a syringe of red liquid at Signum. She grabbed it between her fingers and smiled back.

Signum: That was predictable.

Jake: Wanna bet on that?

There was a beep and the syringe exploded, sending red liquid splashing all over her body.

Signum: Hey, that wasn’t fair!

Jake: Nothing is fair. Now I’ll deal with those three brats.

They were gone though. The three had already flown out the window.

Jake: Bah, I’ll get them later. Now, I shall alert the Terrans so that they send an entire regiment here. I’ll infect them one by one so no one on Earth can stop me. Long have those military fools impede my fellow viruses from dominating Earth. Lucky for me, I came alone as Admiral Kiethon’s trusted negotiator. That fool won’t suspect me as the culprit.

Signum began to feel dizzy and she foght the urge to faint. Jake came by to her side and kicked her to the floor.

Jake: Jake is no more. His body and mind are mine, the lord of Alpha Strains. Before you black out, I’ll tell you where I originated. You won’t remember a thing anyway. I am from Terran Advance Labs, Sector Omega. Modified to be a biological weapon, we were designed to make our targets lose control of their body. Jake became my victim when he came visiting to that lab. More victims will come later.

Signum slowly closed her eyes and fainted from the viral infection. Jake laughed and went on to infect the rest of Saint Church’s personnels.

What should Nanoha, Fate, and Hayate do now?
A) Warn the citizens of Cranagan
B) Tell the incident to the top brass
C) Gather reinforcements and return to fight

Spoiler for Second story in planning.:

My second story will be much better. Details will be given when I complete chapter 4. Title is called Firestorm

Much better, though, why are you writing like this?

Jake: blah blah *action*
Nanoha: beh blah *action

Why don't you just put it into a story-ish format like:

Jake tapped his foot impatiently and eyebrow twitched in irritation, "Very well, ask away but do not waste my time."

Well the story seems to be progressing quite fast and it looks like a bundle of trouble ahead. Anyways, do we vote with the color? B! Looking forward to your other story.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Yeah... I willingly admit Elise is probably slightly OOC, if only because she's an OVA-only character and I only have four episodes to work with... I really winged it with her characterization, especially as far as her interaction with Nanoha goes. But I imagined she might have loosened up after meeting Kyouya and Miyuki again (at least in Triangle Heart), so... yeah.

And to be honest, I want to avoid Nanoha meeting up with any of her friends until the time-skip, if only for the angst factor. Maybe I'm lazy, but I feel that trying to put Yuuno into the mix early on would lose the point of Nanoha trying to find her own way and figuring out what she can do with only a limited amount of magic. Meh, maybe I'm over thinking it.

Well that makes sense, I'm just used to Elise being all stiff. It's pretty funny actually. Angst factor? YES! We like angst..., plus it's more character development to see how Nanoha will be in the future (with guns!).

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by markesellus

Much better, though, why are you writing like this?

Jake: blah blah *action*
Nanoha: beh blah *action

Why don't you just put it into a story-ish format like:

Jake tapped his foot impatiently and eyebrow twitched in irritation, "Very well, ask away but do not waste my time."

Script style instead of prose, I wrote my first few stories like that as well actually.

Spoiler for PornStar!Vivio part 4:

"So," Vivio spoke sleepily, barely keeping herself up anymore. "what.... What now?" The bar around them was closing and her friends had long since gone off on their own. "Syn... Syn?" She looked at her new friend, who was apparently too drunk to even speak anymore. The blond tried to stand up but quickly sat back down. "Ugh..." Looking at the bartender, she reluctantly requeted the obvious. "Cab?"

"Coming up," He told her, pleased to help out the customer that spent so much money that night. "Can you pay your tab tonight, Eyes?"

Vivio groaned. "Can I just give you part? Bills coming up." She tried desperately to think of how much she could part with. "Will fourty be okay for now?"

"Sure," He waited patiently for the slow moving girl to give him the bills. "Thank you."

Vivio tried to speak with her new friend again. "Oi... Wake up." No sound came to her besides steady breathing. "For the love of..." The handful of minutes that passed while waiting for the cab gave her no luck with the sleeping new friend. "I can't just leave her...."

Struggling to stand, she tried to pull Syn onto her back but ended up collapsing herself. Too weak to move, she allowed the bartender to help her to her feet and assisted in stumbling to the cab, where Vivio gave her address.

After laying down for almost fifteen minutes, she found the strength in herself to not only pay for the cab but to haul the still sleeping girl to the elevator where they leaned against the wall. The floors went by slowly and she weakly dragged the girl while holding up the wall to her door.

Depositing Syn onto the couch consisted of tripping and luckily making it in time. Now free of the burden, the drunk girl stumbled to her bedroom and fell onto the blankets, closing her eyes and going to sleep almost immediately.

~**~

When the morning light came, Syn awoke reluctantly and pushed herself up from the couch. "Wha... where am I?"

"My apartment." Vivio said lightly from the kitchen. "You passed out last night and I didn't feel comfortable leaning you on the floor at the bar... here," She bent over and gave the girl a glass of water and some medicine. "don't drink more than you need or you'll get sick."

"Um... Thank you." Syn took the pills and swallowed them. "God this is so embarrassing..."

"Really, I don't mind. I think it's an amusing way to meet someone." Vivio went back to the kitchen and started messing around. "Would you like some breakfast?"

"I... I couldn't-"

"Relax," Vivio was amused at her. "Really, I'd like to cook for you. I haven't had company over in ages."

"...Thank you." Syn sat properly and took another gulp of water before sitting the glass down and looking around the room. A simple apartment with a livingroom going immediately from the door with a small kitchen across from it. From there a small room held a washer and dryer. A bathroom door was on the wall, followed by another one a short ways off where she assumed the bedroom was. Several pictures littered the walls, showing the girl and her friends. One in a special looking frame caught the Syn's attention and she walked over to it. "Your family?" She asked curiously.

Vivio looked over at the image and nodded even though the girl had her back towards her. "Yes."

Syn looked at the people with interest. A blue haired girl, a red head boy, a pink haired girl, a blond, and two brunettes all smiled around a younger version of Vivio. "I see... you visit often? You all look so happy."

Vivio sloweed her cooking lightly before picking back up. "My parents are gone... I havn't seen the others in years."

"...I see, I'm sorry." Syn, for once, felt as if she had opened her mouth and inserted her foot.

"It's okay, I have lots of friends at work."

"Oh? Should you leave soon? Will you be late?"

"I'm not working today." Vivio told her lightly. "I won't be due in for another two weeks or so."

"Interesting, what do you do?"

"I'm... in acting." Vivio smiled. " Do you like your eggs sunny side up or scrambled?"

"Scrambled." Syn walked over to her and watched. "... Can I help?"

"Get the milk out?" Vivio felt a small grin tug at her lips. 'I can't remeber the last time I had someone over... I like not being alone.'

[Tempy]

In my opinion, prose is far superior to script. While script format is easier to plan and direct dialogue, it's not very good in describing a story. I personally am not a fan of script format, as it seems like the lazy way to write dialogue.

Go the extra step and write prose. Not only is it smoother, but it shows the story.

Show, don't tell.

[Sheba]

Too used to prose to even bother with script style. Oh, and I read too much De Maupassant in school.

[Comartemis]

No, don't just show, really show. This is something most authors need to take to heart in their writing; one of the big differences between a good fic and a great one is how well the author draws the reader into the story. Satashi's a good writer, better than the vast majority of FF.net, but he doesn't set the scene and draw the reader in the way professional writers like, say, S'tar'kan, do with their works.

Satashi, I recommend that you--and everyone else here, for that matter--take a look at some of S'tar'kan's work, or find another author who writes like a professional and take a good, close look at the way they tell a story. I recommend Ginger Ninja, Lathis, Andrew Joshua Talon, and especially Charles Bhepin. Trust me on this, your writing can only improve by following these examples.

[Wild Goose]

It also helps to actually read professional writers. WEB Griffin is a good starting point.

[Comartemis]

S'tar'kan is professional, Goose. He does original work in addition to fanfiction and his profile page says he's trying to get some of it published. And even if the rest of the guys I mentioned don't actually write for a living, they could at least probably do a good job of faking it.

But if you're going to be technical about it then yes, you may as well read stuff by authors who actually write for a living. But all the guys I listed write novel-quality work that I, at least, would pay good money to read if we didn't have these pesky little copyright laws. Bhepin and Lathis are especially good with the fine details of describing a scene, something many writers--myself included--could use more work on.

[Wild Goose]

I know, but I'm talking about in addition to the fanfic writers. Griffin is a good starting point as a professional writer to emulate; my style and how i write was influenced by him, though obviously not everyone is going to like the Brotherhood of War, Badge of Honor, The Corps or Presidential Agent books.

[Evangelion Xgouki]

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