2008-11-21, 14:48 | Link #981 | |
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: California
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2008-11-23, 21:41 | Link #984 |
World's Greatest
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Francisco
Age: 36
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Another strange situation. I have a tutor that I see to gain assistance in my figure painting class at school. She also attended my school and graduated a few years ago. She's really pretty and extremely nice and great to talk to. We don't just talk about my academics when we meet up, but other stuff as well.
But there's a problem. First and foremost she's my tutor and she's a little older than I am. I'm 21 and she's in her mid to late twenties I believe. Well, not that that is a problem necessarily, but...I just feel that we're too "different". Second, she has a boyfriend. Third, I just got out of that situation with that other girl a couple of weeks ago. And finally I think I'm starting to really like her, but at the same time I don't want to. Just because she's my tutor and I want to keep everything professional and not say or do something I'm going to regret. In other words, I would like to decrease the intensity of my apparent infatuation. Regarding my attraction to her, I'm afraid it might be the result of something that I'm not sure how to cure. You see, being in the bay area there are a lot of pretty women. And I just moved into a major city in San Francisco. Now I'm closer to school and I see tons of gorgeous looking women every single day. Literally. It's hard to stay focused on other aspects of my life when you see couples here left and right. I think I would want to be in a relationship right now, but at the same time I'm not sure if I would have time for one. I'm quite a busy guy. Plus, I've lost a little of my confidence since my last attempt which didn't go so well. So I'm quite apprehensive when talking to girls I might be interested in...but I tend to do it anyways. And when I do I find myself maybe talking to much and getting "desperate" in my speech and demeanor. I feel that there's a constant "desperate" side of me trying to get a quick girlfriend or some nonsense like that and it looks like something is telling me to talk to every single pretty girl. So in conclusion I'm not sure how to approach not only the situation with my tutor, but everything I've experienced in the two months I've been here with what I just described. I'd like to maybe have a relationship, but I also want to stay focused on my schoolwork...if something did come up and I got into a relationship I guess I wouldn't mind trying to balance both. I don't want to make any desperate decisions to try to get a girl though which I believe I do at times. I feel terrible afterwards at the person I've become...like someone with low confidence. But at the same time...it seems hard to ignore these pretty women. I guess it's the pressure from being surrounded by so many couples all the time. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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2008-11-24, 01:40 | Link #986 |
Emotionless White Face
Join Date: Feb 2008
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He can do what he wants, but in that kind of situations I still think the person has to think abouy that "if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend, would I like to see the other men/women trying to pick him/her up even when they know that he/she is in couple". Me, it's a no no.
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2008-11-24, 08:03 | Link #987 |
TorhuHonda<3KyoSohma
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To Samari
Ok... Here's a solution... Don't just go out with any girl you find pretty... I mean you said youself that you feel really guilty because you think you just want any girl as your girlfriend... Seriously... Girl's don't like it either when all a guy is interested in is having a bit of arm-candy... I recently went out with a guy and for the whole month or so I endured the relationship, all he kept going on about was how happy he was to have a girlfriend... Not how happy he was to be with me. And it kinda hurt alot... I never told any of my friends cause I knew they would say I was being silly. But I wasn't. So no I have a boyfriend who actually does want to be with me.. I know that for a fact.. Cause he's constantly telling me how much he likes me. And what makes it better is that we have a connection. So what I'm saying is, don't just go with any girl... Try it with your tutor, tell her how you feel. Cuase see when you actually have a connection to someone it works alot better than constantly trying to find ground that you both can work on. Especially if your only in the relationship cause it's a relationship. I'm sooo much happy now I have a guy who I know genuinly loves me and not the fact he's got a pretty girl hanging off his arm.... Hope this helps... PinkBubbles xxx |
2008-11-25, 05:42 | Link #988 |
思想工作
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Vereinigte Staaten
Age: 32
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I've never had a girlfriend before. To me it seems like dating is a waste of time, not something that I would want to spend lots of time on. Why? Because the kind of conversations that couples often have are generally very boring. I have a friend who is good at getting into relationships but they invariably end up lasting no more than a couple months at best and he's always sorta depressed for a while afterward.
If I want to get into a romantic relationship with a girl I'll get married. And even if I do that she would have to be a good friend as well, not just a girlfriend (in the sense that you get involved with her and leave after two months). |
2008-11-25, 08:37 | Link #989 | |
Honyaku no Hime
Fansubber
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
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1: Your age (or age range, like 18-20, 21-23 etc) 2: Your religion (if you do have faith) I should dig a few posts back on Ledgem's posts on how dating can help with finding the person who's right for you. It's not simply just to have a good time with someone else, but you also learn about what you can and cannot tolerate with girls through different experiences. As with most things in life, experiences good and bad build character to a person. They have more information to base choices on (though the experiences alone shouldn't totally set future decisions). Which is what you seem to be doing sadly; just cause of what you've seen with your friend, you've ended up with some kinda jaded, negative outlook to it while you've never had a girlfriend (or you've simply tuned yourself out from it, because of what you "think" will happen). You're selling yourself short basically for the girl you'd like to marry someday, but this is why i asked the two first questions, as i shouldn't assume everyone lives in a 'western' sense of free dating in their teens or early 20's until they find the special person in time. A girlfriend != (does not equal) someone to mess with for 2-6 months. A girlfriend is (or in most cases) your best friend. A girlfriend can ground you. A girlfriend can compliment you (in similar ways or oppisite ways) A girlfriend can support you. A girlfriend can be your strength as you are hers (keep it two way) A girlfriend is usually the stage between 'friends' and 'wife' (short of arranged marriages), so don't think of having one as some kind of trivial, flimsy thing. How a relationship is defined rests on the individuals for most part. If you both share a similar set of ideas and desires and goals concerning relationships, you'll both work hard for it to be fufilled that way, rather than adapting to "typical" relationships that you may see around you. Like most things is life "An experience is what you make of it".
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2008-11-25, 08:59 | Link #990 | ||
思想工作
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Vereinigte Staaten
Age: 32
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I'm 16. That probably explains a lot. I'm not of any particular religion but belief in higher order and divinity is important to me.
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2008-11-25, 09:49 | Link #991 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
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Ok I thought I'd ask you guys about my problem...
So there is this girl that I have a long history with...like the whole elementary school part we've "loved" eachother, if you can call it that. When 7th grade started we were in the same school and she asked if I loved her and my msn and stuff so then we started "dating" if that's what you can call it, again. After a while we broke of mainly because of my stupidity, ignorance and immatureness, I realized this later on though. Again on 8th grade I asked her out and then we started dating again but yet again after a while we broke up, though I was the same as I was at 7th grade but this time she had a crush on another guy and said we couldn't date anymore. Now then at 9th grade we we're just friends and stuff, not really talking IRL but MSN, anyhow her best friend who she's neighbour and best friends like 10 yrs annoyed me by 'kind of' talking shit behind my back about me so I blocked her on MSN. Afterwards the girl I had dated twice with blocked me. So that's the history, now to the "problem". So after that I haven't talked to either of them, no contact or anything, atm I'm first grade of high school(16yrs old) and the girl I used to date went to another school. Just by coincidence I happened to see her on bus like three times on the same week and now I have strangely started to think about her much, at nights I've been like one hour trying to sleep but just thinking about her. So this is what I wanted to ask: does this mean I have a new crush on her or smth? Or do I just want to be her friend and talk to her again or is this just temporary matter I'm experiencing? Or now that I've realized my past mistakes, I want to show my better side? Or perhaps something else? thanks in advance |
2008-11-25, 09:58 | Link #992 | |
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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2008-11-25, 10:29 | Link #993 | |||
Honyaku no Hime
Fansubber
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
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6 years ago you were 10, 6 years later you'll be 22. You're only just about beginning to live life, so there's plenty to see and explore that doesn't concern girlfriends. I guess during teenage time, relationships will be trivial because everyone is going through volatile periods of their lives and their own sense of character. It's easy to get jaded, but don't permantly close your eyes to it all, there may be a special someone who'll grace your path in some years to come Quote:
If at the present moment it all seems yucky, then at least have some hope for the future. But you're too young to be so bitter, live a little and remain positive Quote:
If you mean generally for people in their mid-20's or higher then I disagree. A girlfriend can do those things as much as a boyfriend can do those things for her, that term isn't limited to people aged 21 or under. Also, some may already enter another relationship with a child from a previous relationship and find that the person they are attracted to suits them well for companionship. They can't be classified as friends, if the couple act on feelings and physical attraction, thus they become boyfriend/girlfriend. There are too many variables to define relationships concerning various ages and cultures, but the examples i gave before are of a 'best case' senario. If you're with somone who is those things, then you're blessed and yes, relationships do settle down and you find you're with this person near 24/7 for 5, 10, 15 years. You need to at least enjoy each others company on a friendship level as well as a partner level, I'd think
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2008-11-25, 10:38 | Link #994 | |
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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2008-11-25, 10:59 | Link #995 | |
Honyaku no Hime
Fansubber
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
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My view will be jaded, but with the amount of divorce rates and the temptation of 'extra marital affairs', kids and marriage sincerely do not hold the weight they used to let's say 50 years back. Couples or a person in an 'unloved' marriage is most likely to stray simply to fufill their own happiness and restore faith back in themselves. Whereas on the flipside, i know people who are in relationships for years, i know the basis and chemistry they're founding it on and why they work well together. A lot of those factors are from those examples I gave and believe me they are devoted to each other. They do hope to settle down in time with the kids and marriage, but it's not a present issue for them at the moment. Kids and marriage require a good financial basis (on the best of cases), something a couple would prefer to work for and simply enjoy their time and lives living as a couple and not parents. Not being married or not having kids, doesn't mean lack of dedication to each other at all. Rather it gives them more time to focus on each other. The marriage aspect is the icing on the cake, it seals the relationship and the couple have to work to keep their promises to each other, but hell nowadays after 2-3 years, that seems so weak, you begin to hear of people drifting apart regardless. Some people (those who are less religious than me) only see marriage as an official ceremony to declare what they are already experiencing (a stable relationship) and don't feel like spending the money for it. Some women don't wanna have kids (as shocking as it may sound) but are fully devoted to the man they love. It depends, but somehow if a person is truly unhappy and feels 'trapped' with the marriage and the kids, I doubt that'd stop someone from seeking happiness elsewhere in secret if they really wanted to. The relationship may still exist and be "cemented" for many years because of the ties, but it'd be based on lies and deceit and more lies. At least on that aspect, I'll be disagreeing with ya. Pardon my mini tangent-ness, i guess this is about dating more than the nature of relationships...
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2008-11-25, 13:15 | Link #996 | |||
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
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Yes, it is. Marriage or having kids doesn't mean they can't focus on each other. In fact, not getting married is the antithesis of focusing on each other. People are generally selfish creatures, this includes relationships. They aren't not getting married because they want to focus on each other, they are not getting married because they are focusing on themselves. They view the relationship selfishly, as a benefit for themselves alone. Without being married and kids, it is easy for them to simply escape the relationship. They know this, be it consciously or unconsciously. |
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2008-11-25, 18:11 | Link #997 | |
Emotionless White Face
Join Date: Feb 2008
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I also believe that unbreakable marriages still exist. It's rare but not impossible. And i hope that my friends will have that kind of marriage. Personally, I don't see relationships as just experiences that you can do one after another "for the fun of it", for me it sounds too much like a game. I don't think that Love is something just funny. But maybe I am wrong to think like that, but anyway, I truly believe in that. And the couple I was talking baout also believe in that. I just hope that someday, I will have a happy life in couple, just like them |
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2008-11-25, 19:05 | Link #998 | |
Honyaku no Hime
Fansubber
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the eastern capital of the islands of the rising suns...
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Spoilered for you harmonious.
Seeing as I've a weakness for resisting, lol. If we're gonna continue, I'll bug ya on your public message board on your profile from now on so we can leave this thread be. (wonder if we can quote on there....) Spoiler for Spoilered for length and slight tangent-ness of topic:
If a person wants to seek comfort in the arms of someone else, most times they'll do it whether their married or not. The only thing with kids and marriage is it'll be done in secret. If a couple want to remain devoted and true to each other, it'll be done whether they're married, got kids or haven't got either. @ Narona I did relate to the quote you mentioned above regarding feminism and stuff. And yes, while you're right that some of us think settling down around 21 or so feels 'too early' is because for most of us it is. A majority of men and women at 21 would be full time students at uni or college, trying to work hard for their careers and dreams or working full time and simply enjoying their own company and desires. Naturally some people's dreams involve simply having a family to look after and making that priority number one. For others, that priority is to come later in life as there's always that 'what if' factor that sometimes niggles people once they have responsibilities of being parents, wives/husbands and have a morgage to pay. It's not to say those who express surprise at people settling down in their early 20's are bitter or jealous, at least for me, i wish them well if they can be together happily for decades to come. I am a feminist, not the bra-bashing, male hating kind (they annoy me), but the kind who can look back at history over the last 300-400 years, then look at the 70's, then look at the choices I've been blessed with as a young female raised in the UK and can't help but be thankful and use as many opportunities as possible. If that means setting kids and family aside for now, so be it and I think many others feels the same way too, but I don't see it a disease as harmonious stated. The extreme flipside to the sexual and social liberation of women is that, in some other parts of the world, women are seen as merely a means to be sold into prostitution, or they're burdens cause they need dowrys and a good husband who'll be able to support her family too. Or they're merely beaten or killed for wanting to learn to read, for educating women about their bodies, for trying to build self esteem and inspire other small goals outside of being a mother and a wife. For many many (perhaps the majority still) they don't even have a choice. Again, narona if we're to continue, let me bug ya on your profile Quote:
I assume you were like 10 years old or 11 or so when it started, since you're 16 now. For most part, it's probably just nostalgia you're experiencing rather than another crush since it's not like you've had a cup of tea and sat down and chatted to her for a while, so you gain a sense of how you've both grown up. That and she was one of the first peeps you had feelings for, so those are usually the strongest, maybe it's just that aspect which is bothering you at the moment. You've already dated and split and dated again and split, perhaps it's best to leave it be and focus on the future, rather than the past.
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Last edited by Mystique; 2008-11-25 at 19:35. |
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2008-11-25, 21:06 | Link #999 | |
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: California
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2008-11-25, 21:48 | Link #1000 | ||||
Emotionless White Face
Join Date: Feb 2008
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As my teacher of philosophy would say, each person seeks happiness, whatever the path, and sometimes the path that the majority takes is not inevitaly the good one for all the people. Now about the current society, I just point what I see around me. Not a lot of people are "happy" and I don't think they are more happy than the youngers from 30 years ago. Actually I see a lot of people bitter about many things. About Love, bitter about old relationships and stuffs. And sometimes, even sad persons that think that they should not have done some things when they were in their teens. But done it because of medias pressure, friends pressure etc. Each person lives the life they want and makes choices. I just said that from my point of view, the path I chose is the good one. Maybe I am wrong, but nothing tells me that the other people could not be wrong. So each person think they are right (most of the time) and defend their point of view. I think I already said everything about what I think in my previous posts and PMs Quote:
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And despite that I rejected those opportunities, I am not less happy than the ones who did the opposite. My point was also that. You don't need to be a sheep and do something because 90% of people do it. At least, nothing proved me that I am less happy than them. Quote:
Last edited by Narona; 2008-11-25 at 22:04. |
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advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom |
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