2013-08-28, 03:18
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Link #1 |
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In a Box
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Somewhere on the west coast
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RobotCat Co. Works
Current Project:
Eternal Tower Online Webcomic continuation (planning stages) Previous Project: Shonen Jump International Contest One Shot: Eternal Tower Online Character sketches: Update: Final Version: http://www.xionsphere.com/danart/ShonenJump/Final/ Update: I finished all of pages for the first draft. I'll be going back to revise problematic areas for a 2nd revision, which hopefully should be done before Friday so I can start inking. Draft Version 1: Last edited by RobotCat; 2014-01-15 at 05:43. |
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2013-08-28, 19:22
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Link #3 |
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boyzone
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This is overall great stuff. I'm not knowledgeable regarding the making of manga nor do I know what this competition you're entering is asking for, but here are some of my thoughts:
- I really like the character designs, especially for the girls. Luna has those really mesmerizing eyelashes that is usually found on foreign/exotic light-haired characters in manga. - The way you've layout and paneled the manga in this draft reminds me of comic books more than manga. I think this has to do with how every panel seems to be very busy, and this is especially noticeable during the battle scenes. It's like you drew lots of entire illustrations on a rectangular canvas and crammed them into panels. Your drawings very neatly fill up the spaces in the panels, and there is little use of white space. I think this may affect the reading of the manga. - At the end it felt a little weird when Luna was about to get on her ride, the MC stopped her, there was a conversation between the two, then suddenly she was already riding away. - I do feel like the narrative was a bit fast. I'd argue the 17 pages of content you have here is more than enough for a 30 page second chapter of a Jump manga series. Overall I really like the concept of parodying those online game anime. There are some stuff I think you can work on but I'm sure you are mostly aware of them. The character designs are also pretty nice (really like the outfits), and I assume they'll look even better after you apply the final lineart and screen-tones. Best of luck for the competition!
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2013-08-29, 03:39
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Link #4 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
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Great stuff indeed. I especially like the character and weapon designs. Bushido's armor looks very intimidating. And that battle sequence between the two bad guys and Luna is awesome.
I am not good at criticizing manga but I also agree with winhlp32. It's great that the drawing is detailed but in some panels, it looks too confusing when there are speech bubbles in them. That makes it hard to understand what's going on  . For example: - In the panel with the words "Let the festival of blood begin", these same words seem to cover a big part of the panel (when it is already pretty small) and make me don't know what I'm looking at. - The same problem in the panel where B-Witch found a rare card. All the speech bubbles along with the card's image cover most of the left panel. It took me a second read through to realize that was the MC trying to get out of the rubble. - The same also in the panel Luna does the shadow substitute skill. The skill explanation hides Luna's disappearing effect. Overall, those might look clearer after lineart and awaiting Act 2 
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2013-08-29, 04:17
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Link #5 |
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In a Box
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Somewhere on the west coast
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Thanks for the comments.
winhlp32: Can you be more specific on the panels where you felt there wasn't enough white space? As for the last page, I think I'll redraw the last portion to make the transition a bit more smooth. Assort Dis: Thanks, I'll rework those panels on the 2nd run through. |
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2013-08-29, 06:44
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Link #6 | |
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boyzone
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Quote:
This page was great, though with that "sword breaking style" panel you could use an upward perspective shot to gain even more space. An image like this also looks fine to me. The middle panel where the MC fell and those other people were getting sliced has space on the top left side to allow the the eyes to breathe. Then we have stuff like these: Its a bit difficult for me to tell whats going on in between Bwitch's entry to the panel with the closeup on her eyes. Maybe have that "Wrath of Tyrano" desciption box smaller? I wonder if you had trouble wondering where to place the speech bubbles, especially the top ones with the MC's thoughts because the panels looks so filled up? Like the third panel down, I would say there is no need to show both the "Bushido" and the "B-witch"? I think just one of them, and just a face shot with some speedlines to show he/she is retreating would suffice.
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2013-09-04, 03:36
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Link #8 |
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In a Box
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Somewhere on the west coast
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winhlp32: Will definitely try to fix those areas in the 2nd round of drafts. Right now I'm trying to get the rest of the pages drafted up. There's only about 4 weeks left =/
mystogan: It's just a draft right now, I'll need to ink the whole thing for submission. Anyways, pages 18-29, consisting of all of ACT II. I tried to space things out more this time. There are already some panels that I want to redraw, like the comedic timing ones, where I feel the paneling doesn't quite work well with how the lines are delivered. Again, CC away! The Black Neko character was added much later into the script. I was planning out how to do the training montage and decided to add in a rival mini-story in there for fun, and then decided to expand her role a bit. I think this was what caused everything to feel a bit more compressed as it stretched ACTII to 12 pages. However, it's too late now. It's hard to tell how well a page flows until you've actually drawn it. I guess that's why 'NAMES' are important. |
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2013-09-04, 22:05
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Link #9 |
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boyzone
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Though as you said the whole story is very condensed, this ACT II is overall a much easier read than ACT I. The reduction of dialogues and those power level/description boxes made the manga flow much better in my opinion. There are small problems with the placement of speech bubbles which may have came from erasing content that was once there that I'm sure you'll address.
The biggest problem for me this time around is just this one page where I don't know who is saying what and just kind of doesn't make sense in general: Other than that, I think this is definitely a step in the right direction. Keep it up!
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2013-09-05, 22:29
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Link #11 |
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Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Your imagination
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Wow! Very impressive! This definitely has great art. I especially like the villain/monster designs. It also has good comedy moments and a nice premise.
As for things you could work on, I would say that the panels are perhaps a little too dynamic. If all the panels are dynamic, the moments that should be emphasized will lack flair. Also, the characters could stand to be simpler in the paneling to contrast with the detailed backgrounds, but it’s good to keep the villains detailed to add emotional distance (simpler looking characters are easier to relate to). You could work on the battle between Blade Lily Luna and Bushido in ACT I (page 12, I think). The panel layout for the battle scene is ambiguous; it could be read right to left or top to bottom because all the panels are the same size. Also, black gutters tend to signify flashbacks in manga. You may want to do a different kind of paneling on page 2 of ACT II. Panels that focus on aspects of a setting are better suited for conveying mood, so they work better for serious scenes, whereas this is a comedic scene. I felt that ACT 1 was clear on what was happening but that ACT II was somewhat confusing. It was very enjoyable and way better than anything I could ever do. As a side note, when you get ready to ink rely more on tone for shading than on line otherwise it will look more like an illustration than a manga. I hope this helps. Good luck in the contest!
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2013-09-06, 10:47
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Link #12 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
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Only 4 weeks left!? You're on a rush then. Hope you can make it
As for this Act 2, I have the same problem with that page winhlp32 pointed out, too. Also, I think Black Neko's appearance is too sudden with how she was just suddenly being there with the MC during those short mission panels. And I actually don't understand clearly what were the two arguing about in that panel with the blacksmith and the elf guy. Plus, the panel where the MC's friend explained Pavillion of the Gods, it's too cramped with words when there is a beautiful illustration of Luna in the background. The whole act is definitely easier to read although there are still some problems that I think you already knew and is working on at this moment no doubt.
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2013-09-18, 07:32
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Link #14 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
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There doesn't seem any issue with the flow I can see in this act. I can read through it and understand quickly unlike the previous acts. Great job this time
I laughed at the glorified speech about gold farming thing. I would join the bad guy without second thought though . And is that an Evangelion nerv sync reference I saw?
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2013-09-18, 19:11
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Link #17 |
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Boyzone
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"What about me?!"
I find it sad Black Neko just kind of disappeared after the second act, and a bit weird there was no word regarding how the MC and her parted during the MC's entrance in the third act, which subsequently makes the punchline at the end a bit weak. Otherwise this is pretty solid. It seems you have less than two weeks left, so fight on!
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2013-09-18, 19:45
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Link #18 |
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In a Box
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Somewhere on the west coast
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ninryu: Yeah, no wonder you always hear of mangaka working themselves to death. Well, I don't really plan on doing this professionally, but I'd like more exposure.
winhlp32: There was actually supposed to be a line when Rei Zero is leaving (after getting mocked by !Luna) where he's like, I need to meet Neko for a MVP anyways but I left it out because I couldn't fit it in. I'll try to rework it back in. |
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2013-09-20, 01:28
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Link #20 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
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I think you made good decision on leaving out the skill description. It shows more focus on what's happening in each panel.
Bushido's first appearance with the "Problem?" dialogue is more logical than the first draft. And you added one extra panel in the last page which helps express how the MC getting out of the rubble. Overall, no complaint here. The draft is easier to read now
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thanks to Patchy ♥
