AnimeSuki Forums

Register Forum Rules FAQ Members List Social Groups Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   AnimeSuki Forum > General > General Chat

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 2012-02-03, 11:09   Link #10041
Hera
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
*if in the future I meet a bf who tries to pull away like that, how should I react? Just let him go? What are the chances of him coming back?
Hera is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 11:21   Link #10042
solomon
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Suburban DC
Typed a bunch of stuff and then lost it and am lazy.......so

Look I don't know everyone's own personal issues and I am NOT trying to belittle you if you have them.

But sometimes it reads like people are being a little too self defeatist. I am a 24 year old male virgin nerd (for you brothers out there you KNOW how embarrising that would come off as!). But after trying to hit up people in the RL with no luck I took a stab at a free dating site, it took two months but I finally managed to make some connections with people.

There are wide amount of people out there. It's at least partially about attitude. I'm not saying you need to make a full image/personality makeover like in Hitch or any such bullshit. But you have to size yourself up in an ABSOLUTE sense not a relative one. If you are handling your buisness and are confident about yourself, odds are you will find someone. It may take a long time and it may not lead to wedding bells but you will have done SOMETHING.
solomon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 11:30   Link #10043
SaintessHeart
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by DonQuigleone View Post
You're me in 5 years! Aaaahhhh...
Go out and meet people at conventions. Unless you are in-training for a really tough job, there is no reason not to take a day or two off to the bar or mall or library.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
SaintessHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 11:38   Link #10044
Paranoid Android
Underweight Food Hoarder
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Kitch-Water and T.O., Canada
Age: 32
Send a message via MSN to Paranoid Android
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hera View Post
*if in the future I meet a bf who tries to pull away like that, how should I react? Just let him go? What are the chances of him coming back?
Huh? Pull away like what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by solomon View Post
But sometimes it reads like people are being a little too self defeatist. I am a 24 year old male virgin nerd (for you brothers out there you KNOW how embarrising that would come off as!). But after trying to hit up people in the RL with no luck I took a stab at a free dating site, it took two months but I finally managed to make some connections with people.

There are wide amount of people out there. It's at least partially about attitude. I'm not saying you need to make a full image/personality makeover like in Hitch or any such bullshit. But you have to size yourself up in an ABSOLUTE sense not a relative one. If you are handling your buisness and are confident about yourself, odds are you will find someone. It may take a long time and it may not lead to wedding bells but you will have done SOMETHING.
Not sure if you're directing that at me, but what I wanted to say is that relationships don't always just happen from coincidence. For those of us who can't naturally find ourselves in the romantic life we need, we have to try hard and go out of our way to do so for it. And so have you since you are using a dating site. A lot of people who are single and have trouble getting into a relationship simply don't take that extra step and try to get to where they want to be.
Paranoid Android is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 11:55   Link #10045
Dextro
He Without a Title
 
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: The land of tempura
Quote:
Originally Posted by solomon View Post
But sometimes it reads like people are being a little too self defeatist. I am a 24 year old male virgin nerd (for you brothers out there you KNOW how embarrising that would come off as!).
*brofist*

I feel your pain dude, keep the strength up and become the drill that pierces the heavens... or something.
__________________
Dextro is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 12:01   Link #10046
SaintessHeart
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dextro View Post
*brofist*

I feel your pain dude, keep the strength up and become the drill that pierces the heavens... or something.
Well. I am about to follow in your footsteps.
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
SaintessHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 12:12   Link #10047
warita
Dai-Youkai
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Vienna
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paranoid Android View Post
All I have is being honest (I can't sweet talk ) and keeping my manners/temper. They're traits that don't come off as attractive and only appreciable to women when they're in the process of breaking up with a guy.
That is not true, a lot of women want a guy, who is decent, reliable, honest and just the guy for a long term thing.
There is a wide spread misconception, that women like assholes guys. That is not true, if you look closer at it. What makes such a guy attractive for some women is the fact, that he is confident. An asshole on the averige has a very clear mind about what he wants and he makes sure he gets it too. It is the confidence that women find attractive. HOWEVER, it doesnt mean, that a nice guy cant be confident. If you are both nice and confident, then you hit the jackpot, trust me!!!!

Also, let us not forget one thing here. So there are assholes, who are popular with women for this or other reason. But the question is, what kind of women fall fur such guys? This question is not uninteresting. Would you agree with me, that it takes a great deal of immaturity for a woman to chose a guy, who is incapable of a long term relationship? Because traits like selfishness, selfcenterness, promiscuity, etc. which are essential part of what makes those assholes who they are, ARE NOT values that will contribute to a healthy and stable relationship. Would you want to hook up with a woman, who is so immature or limited in her mind, that she fails to see the benefits of a sincere, honest and sweet guy and goes for the adrenaline kick a relationship with an asshole surely will provide? I mean, we all need to learn a few lessons. Younger women tend to be swayed more easily by charmers and liars, or machos without any manners. Then they get burnt a few times and learn their lesson.

So my advice is.... if you want a girlfriend, you have to actively go out there and offer yourself. The girlfriend will not drop from the sky one day. You have to mingle with people, meet women, talk to women and just try your best. And if it doesnt work out, then it wasnt meant to be, there are thousands of others waiting for you.

And one more thing. Like I said before, being an asshole is not what will make you popular with woman. You have to have confidence in yourself. I know it isnt easy, but for starters you need to stop thinking of yourself as averige loser, who has nothing to offer. First of all, that is NOT true, second..... you radiate your opinion of yourself to others, even without saying it aloud. If you want a woman to find you attractive and confident, think about where your strength lie and be proud of it and try to work on your weaknesses. This way you will have a sweet girlfriend in no time!
warita is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 12:22   Link #10048
SaintessHeart
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
Spoiler for Some Motivation:
__________________

When three puppygirls named after pastries are on top of each other, it is called Eclair a'la menthe et Biscotti aux fraises avec beaucoup de Ricotta sur le dessus.
Most of all, you have to be disciplined and you have to save, even if you hate our current financial system. Because if you don't save, then you're guaranteed to end up with nothing.
SaintessHeart is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 13:13   Link #10049
Paranoid Android
Underweight Food Hoarder
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Kitch-Water and T.O., Canada
Age: 32
Send a message via MSN to Paranoid Android
Okay this thread went off on a tangent again... xD

So who's got a date for valentines and what da'ya have planned? It's always fun to share ideas.

My gf and I used to have a massive list of ridiculous places to go on a date/or make out. That's pretty much what we do on dating days. We broke up sadly in a year ;-;, couldn't get to finish it. And I can't continue it since that would be rather inappropriate as that list was for things with her only.
Paranoid Android is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 13:14   Link #10050
monsta666
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, England
Age: 37
Just to add to this nice guy debate. Being nice does not make it easier to get into a relationship as people often assume. What it does do is it makes it easier to maintain a relationship once it is established. This assumes the women you are going out with is level headed and appreciates nice guys which is not always the case. This is especially true if the girl you are dating happens to be quite young.

To get into a relationship people often need an extra element to just being nice. They also need to be interesting or have some kind of charm or share interests with the women in question. A combination of the above factors is normally required. Once the interest is sparked and she is into you then your nice personality will begin to pay dividends but at the beginning i.e. before a relationship has started being nice will not count for much. People need to remember you need something extra to get them to notice you in the first place and being nice merely allows you to keep the girl once she is there.

However it should be noted that people tend to be flaky at a young age. By young I am talking teens to early 20s. So even with my advice it will be difficult but you just got to hang in there and not turn into an emotional wreck or develop a grudge for the opposite sex. Yes easier said than done but you got to try not to develop those mentalities because ultimately they will become counter-productive if your objective is to form a long standing relationship. From what I hear from friends and family the older you get the easier it becomes because people in your dating pool gradually mature and the women will be more appreciative of nice guys and are not so easily swayed by bad boys since they can tell the difference between confidence and arrogance better.

Last edited by monsta666; 2012-02-03 at 13:52.
monsta666 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 13:24   Link #10051
warita
Dai-Youkai
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Vienna
This is very true Monsta.

Problem is, that a lot of nice guys think, that if they will be nice to a girl... I mean like really nice..... then the girl must appreciate it and fall in love. Sadly, it doesnt work that way, the girl must have some interest in the guy prior to him being nice....

So basically, being nice is good, BUT one must chose wisely what girl is worth it and get also the timing and the dosage right. There is no universal formula how to do things. I guess this boils down to experience. You date a few women, you make some mistakes along the way, you learn from it and then you learn how to read the signs I suppose.
warita is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 14:16   Link #10052
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by RWBladewing View Post
Everyone with relationship issues can at least take solace in the fact that they aren't me - 2 months away from 28 and have never had a single person express even the tiniest hint of romantic interest. You know that one anime character archetype, the main character's comedy relief best friend who never gets any of the girls? That guy is me irl.
Drop that attitude, because it's going to hold you back. As warita and others have mentioned, it's all about being confident. Everyone is attracted to confidence. It's not about believing that you're better than everyone else, but believing that you're worthwhile and no less than anyone else.

I'm not going to say that you're perfect as you are. Nobody is. You may have some personal work to do in order to make yourself more attractive or more fit for a relationship. All the same, as you are right now, you are someone valuable, you have something to contribute, and many girls would be lucky to occupy that intimate part of your life. If you need help with the personal work, feel free to reply back and we can all give you some tips and analysis. Ultimately it's up to you to do the work and make the changes that need to be made, but we're all rooting for you.

With that said, there are some practical things to consider. No matter how attractive you are, if you're holing yourself up in your room all day and night, you're not being seen. You don't need to go to bars or parties, but get yourself out there and attend social events where you can. (I generally hate social events, so if you're like me, you'll find this to be a bit of a challenge - but you're up to it.) A "cheat" to get around this aspect is to join a social dating site. Nobody will look down on you for choosing that avenue - one might even argue that it's the smarter way to go, these days.

Outward appearance is another consideration, not necessarily because it relates to attractiveness but because it relates to confidence. Is your hair messy? Fix it. Do you usually comb it down? Try combing it up for a more energetic look. Are you wearing worn out clothes that look tattered? Get something - anything - that looks better maintained. Do you have any skin conditions that are outwardly obvious? Go see a dermatologist and get it treated. This isn't about being superficial, it's about advertising. To put it into more standard guy terms, even the hottest car will look unappealing with signs of rust and chipped paint, right?

Another major consideration is how approachable you make yourself. Don't shy away from making eye contact with people, even if they're random strangers. Don't be afraid to smile at them, either (don't smile in a creepy manner or at inappropriate times/scenarios, of course, and recognize that even if you're good about it, some people will think it's creepy regardless). Making eye contact and smiling are generally inviting, and can result in an encounter occurring. Lastly, make sure that you're not walking around looking angry or depressed all the time; make sure that your neutral expression is really neutral, or even happy. Again, people will be drawn to that. Even if you don't get people randomly initiating conversations with you, they'll be more receptive to you if you try to initiate one with them. A lot of this advice applies to approaching both men and women, even for non-romantic interests, and a lot of it will occur naturally if you have high self-confidence and a good outlook on your life.

Lastly, don't be afraid of rejection! This applies to initiating random conversations, too. Not everyone is going to be receptive to you. That's just personal chemistry, and you shouldn't take it personally.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 14:23   Link #10053
Paranoid Android
Underweight Food Hoarder
 
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Kitch-Water and T.O., Canada
Age: 32
Send a message via MSN to Paranoid Android
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
Lastly, don't be afraid of rejection! This applies to initiating random conversations, too. Not everyone is going to be receptive to you. That's just personal chemistry, and you shouldn't take it personally.
I don't know about the environment for you guys here but the girls in my area are fairly open to first-dates. I don't think I've ever been rejected a first date when I go up and ask them directly. It's usually a rather passive denial for the second or later dates.

Errr, excluding people that aren't single. I have asked out people that are apparently married.. >__o
Paranoid Android is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 14:32   Link #10054
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paranoid Android View Post
I don't know about the environment for you guys here but the girls in my area are fairly open to first-dates. I don't think I've ever been rejected a first date when I go up and ask them directly. It's usually a rather passive denial for the second or later dates.

Errr, excluding people that aren't single. I have asked out people that are apparently married.. >__o
Gotta check that left ring finger

First girl I ever asked out rejected me. I was happy to get it out of the way - you discover that being rejected doesn't kill you and that it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. With that experience behind you, you're suddenly free to ask out anyone you want.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 15:08   Link #10055
GDB
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Age: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
it's all about being confident.
Not getting into the rest of it, but this line always irks me. Telling someone to be confident is ridiculous. I don't know about others, but I get confidence through experience. I cannot get experience because I do not have the confidence to attract girls. Ergo, I cannot gain confidence. On the other hand, those who start with some level of confidence get experience, which in turns boosts their confidence. See how you get two nice little cycles there? One positive, and one negative? How does one break out of the negative cycle? Faking confidence sure doesn't work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
First girl I ever asked out rejected me. I was happy to get it out of the way - you discover that being rejected doesn't kill you and that it wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. With that experience behind you, you're suddenly free to ask out anyone you want.
And then if you continuously get rejected, and I don't necessarily mean just for the first date but not being able to get past the first date, you feel worse than ever.
GDB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 15:10   Link #10056
DonQuigleone
Knight Errant
 
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintessHeart View Post
Go out and meet people at conventions. Unless you are in-training for a really tough job, there is no reason not to take a day or two off to the bar or mall or library.
Not a big fan of conventions. Don't like the huge crowds of people.

Anyway, I'm actually thinking of trying speed dating once I've got a job and moved out of the house. Online dating seems impersonal, and I'm getting to the age where it's offered.

But as for my own virginal status, I have to say, it's mostly because I haven't met any women who particularly interested to me. Maybe it's because I don't talk to women enough, but for most of women I've talked to for any length I've failed to find any that I at all "clicked" with, and actually wanted to meet up with again.

It doesn't really help that I'm a bit idiosyncratic about what I enjoy talking about. I like to talk about things, or trade jokes. Most of the women I know aren't so big on that.

The whole "soft, nice, non-confrontational" idea doesn't appeal to me at all. Not to say those things aren't important (I like to think of myself as being reasonably nice after all), but I want to go out with a women who will really hold my interest, and I can also engage in humourous conversation. Now maybe I haven't given women enough of a chance, I could very well be a closet misogynist, but only a handful of women have held my interest for more then 10 minutes over the past 6 years.

All the rest were terribly nice but, ultimately, boring. And while being nice is an important thing (no one wants to go out with a self absorbed psychopath!), I have to have a compelling reason to pay this woman any attention. Having a good set of breasts ain't enough, I can stare at those online if I want. I want someone who'll say something, anything, that's interesting to me. But I think part of problem is that Irish people are a bit repressed and avoid confrontation...

I love debate too much, and find small talk unfulfilling, and most of the conversation I've heard between women is distinctly "small talk". That, or about some social occassion.
DonQuigleone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 15:15   Link #10057
Ledgem
Love Yourself
 
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by GDB View Post
Not getting into the rest of it, but this line always irks me. Telling someone to be confident is ridiculous. I don't know about others, but I get confidence through experience.
Experience is a major source of confidence, but it is not the only one. It's all about how you perceive yourself, and your world view. I'm not going to say that it's easy to change those things, because it isn't. It gets more difficult as you get older and your views solidify. If it weren't possible to do it, I wouldn't be saying it. I'm not just typing up things that sound nice.

By the same token, if your self-perception and views are negative, it doesn't matter what experience you have: you'll find a way to tear yourself down anyway, and mitigate the experiences that you had.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GDB View Post
And then if you continuously get rejected, and I don't necessarily mean just for the first date but not being able to get past the first date, you feel worse than ever.
You can sulk about it and berate yourself over it, sure. Or you can take the positive attitude and figure that you're doing something wrong. Maybe you're moving too quickly by most people's standards; maybe you're bringing up discussion topics that turn people off. There's always a chance that you have certain mannerisms that people find off-putting. None of this means that you are a failure as a person, or that nobody will ever love you; it just means that you have to work on your presentation.
__________________
Ledgem is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 15:27   Link #10058
Gamer_2k4
Anime Cynic
 
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA
Age: 35
I've never asked a girl out in my life, yet I have a girlfriend who's on the fast track to being my wife someday. We started out as single friends who ultimately realized we spent a lot of time with just each other and really liked each other, and we finally decided to just give ourselves the titles to match how we acted. Now we're boyfriend and girlfriend, and I never once asked her out.

If you're looking for a girlfriend, the best advice is to just be yourself. Girls date jerks because the so-called "nice guys" are complete tools. They're so obsessed with being "nice" to a girl that they forget about a little thing called equality. Why do those guys get friend zoned? It's because they're there to help the girl (like a friend would be), but it comes at the cost of their own feelings. They don't have the confidence or self-worth to be seen as an attractive mate, so the girl never considers them.

Oh, and I can't say enough for online dating. You know that the other person is interested in dating, and you know a ton about them up front. You can get a good idea of how compatible the two of you are even before ever meeting them. And hey, if you've exhausted the real-life field, why not try online? You'll find people you wouldn't otherwise. At the very least, you won't lose anything by trying. No risk, all reward.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paranoid Android View Post
So who's got a date for valentines and what da'ya have planned? It's always fun to share ideas.
Because my girlfriend and I live about 45 minutes away from each other, we really only see each other one weekends. We're getting each other gifts, but really just being together is enough of a "date" for Valentine's Day. Spending the day with someone you really care about, even (especially?) if it's just cuddling on the couch, is probably one of the most enjoyable things you can do.
__________________
Gamer_2k4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 15:29   Link #10059
Samari
World's Greatest
 
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Francisco
Age: 36
I'm thinking of asking my girlfriend to marry me.
__________________

"Every light must fade, every heart return to darkness!"
永遠不要失去信心,你的命運。
Samari is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2012-02-03, 15:34   Link #10060
Who
Senior Member
 
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NY, USA
Age: 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samari View Post
I'm thinking of asking my girlfriend to marry me.
Doitdoitdoitdoit. How are you going about it though?
Who is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 16:15.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
We use Silk.