A Laugh A Day

[hobobaggins]

Originally Posted by p3psi

hahaha, reagan, wtf?!??
geez, hobo, where do you get your jokes? 1985?
im jk,
oohhh, i better google reagan and make sure he was president in 85, dont want to be made the fool!

hahah... ... no.

Spoiler:

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data.
Our authority is the Bible: Isiah 30:26 reads, "Moreover the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun and the light of the sin shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days.
" Thus Heaven receives from the moon as much radiation as we do from the sun and in addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the earth does from the sun, or fifty times in all.
The light we receive from the moon is a ten-thousandth fo the light we receive from the sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature of Heaven.
The radiation falling on heaven will heat it to the point lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation. In other words, Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the earth by radiation.
Using the Stefan-Boltzmann fourth-power law for radiation (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth - 300K.
This gives H as 798 K (525 degrees Celcius).
The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6 C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from liquid to a gas.
Revelations 21:8: "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.
" A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be below the boiling point.
We have, then, temperature of Heaven 525 C. Temperature of Hell less than 445 C. Therefore, heaven is hotter than Hell.

ROFL

Spoiler:

An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.
The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.
The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time.
One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.
What is the difference?
One cat has a greater mew.

Spoiler:

What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

Spoiler:

A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?

Spoiler:

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive) so
Z is for zest -- For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed, And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.

[hobobaggins]

old women jokes!

Spoiler:

In praise of older women (which in our society means over 35):

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think, if you think at all.

An older woman always carries a purse full of emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every time there's a natural disaster.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. (this one ain't always true )

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an a**hole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

OSU joke? (wtf is osu?)

Spoiler:

Why did they cancel the OSU Christmas party?
They could not find three wise men or a virgin.

more osu

Spoiler:

10. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?
9. Pre-law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
8. Sandwich Making: A Project Course
7. Hand-Shadow Workshop
6. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
5. Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
4. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg
3. The College Classroom: A Simulation
2. The ABC's: An Extended Version
1. Your Ass from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study

Q: How many Ohio State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

After a long wait, two Ohio State graduates finally get jobs at a sawmill. It was their first day on the job. Suddenly one screams "OOUUUCCHHHH!!! I lost my finger!" The other glances over, "Oh yeah, how did you do that?" "Well, I was just trying to touch this big spinning wheel like thi..Damn! There goes another one!!"
I heard that Ohio State's Head Football Coach was only dressing twenty players for the upcoming battle against Michigan. He said the rest can dress themselves.
Q: How many Ohio State students does it take to change a tire?
A: Only one, but he gets four hours credit and it counts as a lab science.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Ohio State fan with a pig?
A: Trick question, there are some things a pig just wont do.

Q: Why do Ohio State graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?
A: To justify their handicap parking.

A Michigan student and an Ohio State student are both using the men's room. When they finish their business, the Michigan student heads for the door, while the Ohio State student heads for the sink. The Ohio dude calls to the Wolverine, "At Ohio State, they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom." The Michigan guy replies, "At Michigan, they teach us not to pee on our hands."
Q: Why doesn't Ohio State have ice on their sidelines during games?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q: What do an Ohio State student and a Michigan student have in common?
A: They both got accepted at Ohio State.

An Ohio State grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. So he goes down to the travel agent and hands over the cash. The travel agent hits him over the head with a bat, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the back window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose. The Ohio State grad wakes up to find himself adrift, along with another Ohio State grad. The first grad says, "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise." The second replies, "They didn't last year."
Q: What does the average Ohio State football player get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get an Ohio State grad off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizzas.

[hobobaggins]

Spoiler:

Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Spoiler:

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don[singlequote]t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it[singlequote]s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

If they[singlequote]ve left early, put them in Sales.

And if they[singlequote]re all bullying each other, they[singlequote]re Management material.

Spoiler for napping:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn[singlequote]t sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God[singlequote]s name, Amen."

Spoiler:

10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they[singlequote]ve seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it[singlequote]s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I[singlequote]d love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It[singlequote]s an inventive way to finally meet that [singlequote]special[singlequote] person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

[Taboo]

Originally Posted by hobobaggins

OSU joke? (wtf is osu?)

You answered yourself later. Ohio State University. Unless you were just kidding...

[hobobaggins]

Originally Posted by Taboo

You answered yourself later. Ohio State University. Unless you were just kidding...

I wrote the top part before i C+Ped the rest...

anyone enjoying this or should i just stop.

[mantidor]

Originally Posted by hobobaggins

I wrote the top part before i C+Ped the rest...

anyone enjoying this or should i just stop.

did it seems like i didn't enjoy it??? keep on, please!

[xris]

Originally Posted by hobobaggins

anyone enjoying this or should i just stop.

Stop, please.....

Or just post the URL where you found these, it would be a lot easier......

[hobobaggins]

Originally Posted by xris

Stop, please.....

Or just post the URL where you found these, it would be a lot easier......

= =

but then this thread will just lurk in the backwater of the GC, behind locked threads......

i guess i should just post one joke a day then...

[p3psi]

Originally Posted by Taboo

You answered yourself later. Ohio State University. Unless you were just kidding...

actually you can say its oklahoma state or oregon state, or what ever. i think the point is that its a "state" college, no offense to those people who attened a "state" univeristy/

dont know why people keep making fun of "state" schools, they're cheap, you gotta give em that

[Sid_Burn]

Just look at Darvin's Profile Picture... and you'll see wat I mean...

[Spiggy]

Woohoo for all the Ohio State jokes!!!!
Here's a parody about the atkins diet. http://www.illwillpress.com/fatkins.html

I don't know german but I have a pretty provocative cartoon that I did have up then changed my mind due to paranoia of getting a warning. Had a second pic but it might have gotten me in worst trouble than if I posted the 1st one.

[hobobaggins]

Originally Posted by Spiggy

Woohoo for all the Ohio State jokes!!!!
Here's a parody about the atkins diet. http://www.illwillpress.com/fatkins.html

I don't know german but I have a pretty provocative cartoon that I did have up then changed my mind due to paranoia of getting a warning. Had a second pic but it might have gotten me in worst trouble than if I posted the 1st one.

WOAH! i so need to show that to people at my school (half of which are on atkins)

laugh a day... ....

Spoiler for sex, but only if you understand the implications you will get this:

what is the fastest thing in scotland?

A: A virgin sheep

[Spiggy]

Originally Posted by hobobaggins

WOAH! i so need to show that to people at my school (half of which are on atkins)

laugh a day... ....

Spoiler for sex, but only if you understand the implications you will get this:

what is the fastest thing in scotland?

A: A virgin sheep

That was gross but funny as hell b/c I ended up almost choking.

Here's something that only seems to work for me and no one else
Google search
Weapons of Mass Destruction
click I'm feeling lucky

if you are lucky, you will get a page that looks like a webpage cannot be found page....read it before getting pissed
if you're not, you'll get a online casino site.

[hobobaggins]

http://www.dirtyjokesinc.com/index.html

i guess it is about time to reveal the source of many of my funnies.

the sheep section is pretty good,

the hellen keller one gets old fast (they start repeating themselves IN THE SAME POST!)

[Palani]

My tribute,
I'll keep it limited to one a day. Like we all should, right Hobo

Spoiler for R-Rated, Parental Advisory Explicit Content:

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

[hobobaggins]

palani- BRILLIANT.

ive got one( already sent it to pathyfinder, hillarious, but just plain wrong )



so here is another one.

Spoiler for explicit content:

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a smartie fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the smartie out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the smartie flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"

[Palani]

Originally Posted by hobobaggins

palani- BRILLIANT.

ive got one( already sent it to pathyfinder, hillarious, but just plain wrong )



so here is another one.

Spoiler for explicit content:

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating smarties. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a smartie fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the smartie out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the smartie flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he clever? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers,... our son-in-law!"

That one cracked me up. It may be plain wrong but it's plain hilarious too.

[Sparkie]

this thread is killing me it's just too funny hum Don't know If you'll like it, but wanted to contribute some stuff too...btw their all images...

ooeh...well what can I say...

Spoiler:

hehe...

Spoiler:

bomb...

Spoiler:

hum could be little cruel

Spoiler:

is this for real?

Spoiler:

[Mr_Paper]

Originally Posted by Sparkie

is this for real?

Spoiler:

Yes, it is. A friend of mine has one of them. Unfortunately he isn't saying where he found it either. >.>;

[hobobaggins]

the bomb and the pumpkins were the best,

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best piece of ass in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and
walks up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just
did your mother, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to let this get to him, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

"And you know what?" the guy says returning once again. "Your mother was
squealing the whole time!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

Spoiler: