Dating

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

It may depend on what you're looking for. I was dating to find someone for life, so I only went for girls who I knew something about. Many of my peers were dating for just for the fun of it. If it led to a life-long thing, great, but it wasn't their goal, or even something that they were thinking about.

My point is that it's not practicable. How many single eligible women do we know in our extended circle of acquaintances? My guess is at most 5(and for people like me with highly... male hobbies it's closer to 0), and it's highly likely you don't really find any of them interesting. If you want to meet a long term life partner you need to be meeting women blind. I personally wouldn't consider it "fun", in so far as spending 2 hours with a person you find dull is excruciatingly painful. Finding a long term life partner well suited to you is really a numbers game, and if you restrict yourself to only people you know, well I don't think there's enough numbers. Of course, lots of people have gotten lucky, but most of us don't.

Anyway, I would regard Online Dating as being similar to blind dating, except you actually can see a photo of them (so you have a good idea she's not an ogre), and you can choose to only go out with people who are of the same religious background to you etc. Everytime you go out with one you're basically rolling a dice, you may not get along with them, or you might get along great. Can't really know.

I do think there are bad sides to getting romantically involved with people in your circle. If things go bad (and as we know from Pop music, they frequently do...), you can find yourself not only losing your GF, but many of your friends too. For instance a good friend of mine made his first university girlfriend in the group he hung out with. All was well, but ultimately 2 years later they broke up and he found himself having lost not only his girlfriend, but also that entire circle ( I don't know the details). Either way he was basically left with me and another guy, who he knew from secondary school, and also some more casual acquaintances he knew through his classes.

The moral of the story for me is that I think people going out with one another need to have separate lives and separate friends.

But speaking of grandparents, I remember how my grandmother once remarked - in response to my mention of my girlfriend - about how I should have multiple girlfriends at one time Different standards for different times, I suppose! Or perhaps that's just how she thought that all of us youngsters are doing it these days...

Scary statistic: The two demographics that have the highest incidence of Sexually transmitted infections are Homesexuals and the Elderly. When my Grandma died, my Grandpa started to receive a lot of Casseroles...

[Black*Star]

i saw this thread so i got to ask... can anyone give me some pointers on how to get a girl to notice me?

[NinjaRealist]

Originally Posted by Black*Star

i saw this thread so i got to ask... can anyone give me some pointers on how to get a girl to notice me?

Please give us some more context. How do you know this girl? Where do you see her on a regular basis?

This is a hard question to answer because, often, if a girl isn't physically attracted to you, she won't notice you no matter what you do.

But some context might help me to offer you some advice.

[NorthernFallout]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

As to "not that muscular" - that's fine, but go to the gym. Do it regularly, and go multiple times per week (I like the "every other day" schedule) You're probably not going to put on much muscle or even tone yourself in any short amount of time, but I guarantee this: go there, spend 30-60 minutes building up a sweat and pushing yourself until you feel sore, and you will feel great. You'll feel even better when you wake up the next morning and have trouble moving, thanks to your sore muscles. There's something about physically pushing your limits that is rewarding, as is seeing progress, but there's more to it than that. The idea that you're improving your body, or perhaps even just the idea that you work out, will improve your self-image and your confidence. It may not work for everyone, but I've heard it stated many times by people who were "shy nerds" or "quiet and bullied" that it changed their self-perception and attitudes. I've tried it for myself and felt it, so I'm a believer.

This, about a million times over, Spartan119. You don't even need a gym, though it's probably the best alternative.

After this shitty summer I started exercising seriously 3 days a week (Mon-Wed-Fri), trying some cardio the other days. All I have is 2x 4kg dumbells, 1x 7-10kg dumbell and a yoga mat. With this and bodyweight exercises (Leg lifts, pushups, crunches, squats, etc), I've gotten stronger, more confident and, even after two months, better posture and slimmer muscles. I still have problem with shyness but it's a work in progress.

Now add to this a new sense of fashion. I don't know how you dress but on my part, for example, I haven't worn jeans since I was 5. In august I bought jeans and shirts I would never usually wear, and that are "modern". As it turns out, it somewhat transformed me and I intend to expand my wardrobe in that direction.

So there are easy ways to make yourself "attractive" on a general scale, or that is just helpful along the way.

[DonQuigleone]

Personally, if you want an easy way to look good, ditch the T-shirts and get yourself something with a collar. Collars make everyone look better.

Likewise, ditch the sweats and get yourself some proper trousers (EG Chinos).

Basically, professional attire is actually makes most people look pretty good (except ties...). Take your queues from there.

[Black*Star]

Originally Posted by NinjaRealist

Please give us some more context. How do you know this girl? Where do you see her on a regular basis?

This is a hard question to answer because, often, if a girl isn't physically attracted to you, she won't notice you no matter what you do.

But some context might help me to offer you some advice.

sorry i wasnt more clear before were best friends in high school i know it sounds cliche but its true i get mixed signals from her and i really dont know were to go from here

[willx]

Originally Posted by Black*Star

sorry i wasnt more clear before were best friends in high school i know it sounds cliche but its true i get mixed signals from her and i really dont know were to go from here

I always ask this question -- how old are you and her now? What stage of life are you guys in?

[Black*Star]

Originally Posted by willx

I always ask this question -- how old are you and her now? What stage of life are you guys in?

not sure what you mean by stage of life but im 16 and shes 15

[NinjaRealist]

Originally Posted by Black*Star

sorry i wasnt more clear before were best friends in high school i know it sounds cliche but its true i get mixed signals from her and i really dont know were to go from here

First of all, do you live in Western Europe or The Americas? If not then my advice will probably not be terribly useful to you.

I've been in this situation multiple times before and I can say that it is a very tricky one and can usually only end either very well or extremely poorly. If she accepts your feelings then, since you're already friends, you can likely form a very good relationship. However, if she does not accept your feelings, it will almost certainly mean you won't be as good of friends and possibly you might not continue to be friends with her at all.

Thus it is very important to proceed with discretion and feel the situation out before you confess to her. But once you do decide to confess, the opposite is true. You need to insist that you really like her (maybe not use the love word, is hard to say) and be sure not to back down in any way if she challenges your feelings. (also make sure you choose an opportune moment with good feelings and pretty scenery. night time is better than day time.)

But before you confess, you really need to figure out if she thinks of you as just a friend, or more than that. My advice may not apply to your friend, and if you think what I'm saying doesn't fit your relationship, or her personality than please say so. In general, though, there are a couple major red flags that she probably thinks of you as just a friend.

1. Does she talk to you about other boys she has feelings for? Are you anything like a love confidant to her? If so, then she probably does not have feelings for you.

2. Has she had boyfriends before? Is she comfortable with sexual things or is she timid when it come to sexual matter? If she is already sexually active and has decided to be just friends with you, then she probably just wants to be friends with you. (Unless there are mitigating circumstances like you being friends with her boyfriend etc.)

3. Have you been friends with her for a year or more? The longer you have been friends with her the better chance you have unless you answered yes to questions 1 and 2, in which case time will work against, rather than for, you.

So this is the most general advice I can give you, but I will warn you that a friend is one of the most unpredictable kinds of people to confess to.

Two of my first high school girlfriends were both friends of mine who I confessed two. So I think the fact that you are still a high school student is a really positive sign for you.

My confessions to friends at the college level and beyond have not really gone so well, though not all of them have ended in failure (but my success rate post-college is much higher with non-friends than friends).

But like I said, my high school confessions to friends mostly went really well so be positive.

That is my advice and please respond if you want me to clarify anything or if you think my advice might not apply to your friend.

Have confidence, think calmly, and I wish you the best of luck.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Not so sure about that. Isn't the point of dating to get to know someone? My grandparent's hardly knew each other before my grandpa asked her out. He met her, thought she was attractive, and asked her out on a date to see how things would go...

A lot of us don't personally know anyone who we feel interested in dating. That's wh we go out with perfect strangers (either through online dating, speed dating, blind dating etc.). On the date with the perfect stranger we see how we get along. If you get along well, you keep dating. If you don't get along, well thankfully you'll never have to see them again because they're a perfect stranger!

Right, but why would you want to go on a date in the first place? Just because of a person's looks? And why do you have to go on a date to get to know them initially? Can't you do that before you go on a date? You might as well do a blind date then. I'm not saying you have to have an entire bio written down about the person, but essentially having your feet wet before you slip into the pool is better to me than just doing a cannonball.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Samari

Right, but why would you want to go on a date in the first place?

To get a girlfriend, and all the benefits that goes along with that...

And why do you have to go on a date to get to know them initially? Can't you do that before you go on a date?

How exactly? Should I stalk her and observe her behaviour? We're talking about a hypothetical girl who I don't know beyond a bio she might have written up online. Not much to go on. If you want to get to know someone, you need to talk, preferably 1 on 1. A casual lunch date is the best way to do this.

You might as well do a blind date then. I'm not saying you have to have an entire bio written down about the person, but essentially having your feet wet before you slip into the pool is better to me than just doing a cannonball.

My point is that this might seem nice, but it's basically impossible. I don't know any (single young) women. My hobbies are 90% male. If I continue in Engineering (which is likely) my workplace will also be 90% male (and dating in your workplace is probably not a good idea anyway). I'd love to get to know a girl before I meet her 1 on 1, but with my current lifestyle that's just not possible. And I'm sure I'm not alone in this predicament, otherwise that lonely hearts section of the newspaper would be rather superfluous.

Anyway, with all the variations on online dating you at least always know that the girl in question is also looking for a relationship. None of this pussyfooting about only to find out she's already "taken". I'd also like to be dating someone before I fall in love with them. The opposite is just too unpleasant, falling in love without dating is simply unbearable.... Dating without falling love, by contrast, is merely inconvenient.


Also, I think a lot of people here have an overly romantic view of what a "date" is. I'm not talking about dinner, a movie and a bunch of roses (with perhaps some romance in the evening). I'm talking about something altogether more mundane, say meeting up at a cafe some afternoon over lunch just to get to know them better. If we like one another, then we can proceed to the Romantic stuff.

Our grandparents had a much healthier attitude to dating. They didn't see a first date as any kind of commitment. People these days seem to have a weird idea that a first date is a huge commitment, it isn't. It's just coffee.

[SPARTAN 119]

Something that has been mildly annoying me. Well, in addition to the fact the few girls in my anime club I actually find attractive are either taken or completely uninterested in dating.

Also, random rant: I've thought about functions and things to ask a girl to in college. Unfortunately, the only sort of events at my university seem to be things like fraternity date parties. Problem: I'm not in a fraternity. They won't let non members in. Why the fuck do frats have to be so fucking exclusive?! I've even thought about, when I do find a date, asking her if she wants some more excitement, whether we should try and infiltrate a date party, but I was talking to a girl whose been to one and apparently they have security out the ass. They meet at a pre-set location, then take a bus to the actual party locations and don't reveal it in advance. What's with all the security? What are they trying to hide!? Would it kill them if a non-member came to one of their parties? I don't think so? In fact, if they charge admissions, they could make a few bucks.

I don't know, maybe I'm just jaded about the fact that frat boys get more dates when I'm stuck here alone. I suppose it might also be that I missed out on my junior and senior prom in high school, and I see this as a sort of chance to make up for it.

[NinjaRealist]

Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119

I don't know, maybe I'm just jaded about the fact that frat boys get more dates when I'm stuck here alone. I suppose it might also be that I missed out on my junior and senior prom in high school, and I see this as a sort of chance to make up for it.

You said you have Aspergers Syndrome, have you considered transferring to a college that is more accepting towards people with autism spectrum disorders?

I attended a state school and state schools definitely have the highest percentage of insensitive assholes of just about any place in society. Frats are where the worst of these assholes hang out.

90% of frat bros are racist, ignorant, bastard who basically just want to sexually assault women and get away with it. As you can imagine, the women who go after these men (sorority girls) are just as bad if not worse. Personally, I only went to frat parties if I felt like fighting, which in retrospect was a really stupid thing to do.

I also transferred to a smaller liberal arts college after that and the environment was very friendly to people with autism spectrum disorders. I've had several friends ad two girlfriends with autism spectrum disorders and lots of people with these disorders come to school here.

I dunno if this is an option for you, but it might make you happier.

[SPARTAN 119]

Originally Posted by NinjaRealist

You said you have Aspergers Syndrome, have you considered transferring to a college that is more accepting towards people with autism spectrum disorders?

I attended a state school and state schools definitely have the highest percentage of insensitive assholes of just about any place in society. Frats are where the worst of these assholes hang out.

90% of frat bros are racist, ignorant, bastard who basically just want to sexually assault women and get away with it. As you can imagine, the women who go after these men (sorority girls) are just as bad if not worse. Personally, I only went to frat parties if I felt like fighting, which in retrospect was a really stupid thing to do.

I also transferred to a smaller liberal arts college after that and the environment was very friendly to people with autism spectrum disorders. I've had several friends ad two girlfriends with autism spectrum disorders and lots of people with these disorders come to school here.

I dunno if this is an option for you, but it might make you happier.

Ahhh... not really an option as I don't have a car and am still living at home. My AS unfortunately has led to an annoying maturity lag that has slowed down my leaving home. Fortunately, I'm hoping it will happen in a few years, and besides, people date in high school while they still live at home and don't have cars.

But its not as bad as it seemed. That was just another stupid thing I posted late at night that I decide to elaborate on in a follow-up post later. That said, I know that there are plenty of attractive girls that are not in sororities- and I know a few of the sorority girls casually and they don't seem too bad... That said as far as my definition of attractive, it doesn't help that I find the girls that generally smaller in figure, but well endowed in all the right areas- the typical standard of hotness, to be attractive, so there is increased competition.

I'm sure I'll find someone eventually, it might help to join more groups and clubs etc, which as far as meeting people would have to same effect. Wish there was some sort of singles group...

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119

Also, random rant: I've thought about functions and things to ask a girl to in college. Unfortunately, the only sort of events at my university seem to be things like fraternity date parties. Problem: I'm not in a fraternity. They won't let non members in. Why the fuck do frats have to be so fucking exclusive?! I've even thought about, when I do find a date, asking her if she wants some more excitement, whether we should try and infiltrate a date party, but I was talking to a girl whose been to one and apparently they have security out the ass. They meet at a pre-set location, then take a bus to the actual party locations and don't reveal it in advance. What's with all the security? What are they trying to hide!? Would it kill them if a non-member came to one of their parties? I don't think so? In fact, if they charge admissions, they could make a few bucks.

Trust me, you aren't missing anything.

And you don't want to go out with the girls that go to these things. They're just as bad as the frat "bros".

I mean really, all they do is get pissed, listen to bad music at deafening volumes and play beer pong, otherwise known as the most simplistic dull game in the world.

I don't know, maybe I'm just jaded about the fact that frat boys get more dates when I'm stuck here alone. I suppose it might also be that I missed out on my junior and senior prom in high school, and I see this as a sort of chance to make up for it.

You're looking in the wrong places. But to be honest, I also failed to get any action. My advice: Give up. Contrary to popular opinion, College is a shitty place for a thinking man to find love. You could try online dating, believe it or not, you will find people your age there.

That, and the culture of your college makes a difference. I've attended 2 colleges, University College Dublin and Virginia Tech. At UCD the primary means of entertainment was alcohol, and I didn't manage to make any friends my entire time there. When I went on exchange to Virginia Tech I found it to have a much more varied and generally more sophisticated social scene. People actually did things besides getting pissed every weekend(like clubs, in UCD, every club was de facto a drinking club, the vast majority never did a single thing, not so in V Tech!). It was amazing. I had made some good friends within 2 weeks of starting there. The only downside was that I was renting my rooms from frat boys. We got along okay, but I got my fill of their lifestyle.

I didn't manage to get a girlfriend, but to be honest I was feeling transient there, I knew I'd be leaving in under 7 months, so I wasn't keen on looking for commitment. But I did actually manage to become a casual acquaintance of several girls in my time there, so maybe if I had been there longer...

So if you think your university has a bad social scene, consider transferring to another. If, like me, you're more of a thinking man, then you're not going to be happy at a "party school".

And trust me, don't feel envious of frat boys. The girls they go out with are all vapid and ultimately as incredibly annoying as they are.

[SPARTAN 119]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Trust me, you aren't missing anything.

And you don't want to go out with the girls that go to these things. They're just as bad as the frat "bros".

I mean really, all they do is get pissed, listen to bad music at deafening volumes and play beer pong, otherwise known as the most simplistic dull game in the world.


You're looking in the wrong places. But to be honest, I also failed to get any action. My advice: Give up. Contrary to popular opinion, College is a shitty place for a thinking man to find love. You could try online dating, believe it or not, you will find people your age there.

That, and the culture of your college makes a difference. I've attended 2 colleges, University College Dublin and Virginia Tech. At UCD the primary means of entertainment was alcohol, and I didn't manage to make any friends my entire time there. When I went on exchange to Virginia Tech I found it to have a much more varied and generally more sophisticated social scene. People actually did things besides getting pissed every weekend(like clubs, in UCD, every club was de facto a drinking club, the vast majority never did a single thing, not so in V Tech!). It was amazing. I had made some good friends within 2 weeks of starting there. The only downside was that I was renting my rooms from frat boys. We got along okay, but I got my fill of their lifestyle.

I didn't manage to get a girlfriend, but to be honest I was feeling transient there, I knew I'd be leaving in under 7 months, so I wasn't keen on looking for commitment. But I did actually manage to become a casual acquaintance of several girls in my time there, so maybe if I had been there longer...

So if you think your university has a bad social scene, consider transferring to another. If, like me, you're more of a thinking man, then you're not going to be happy at a "party school".

And trust me, don't feel envious of frat boys. The girls they go out with are all vapid and ultimately as incredibly annoying as they are.

Really my university's social scene isn't that bad, I was just being stupid. I just need to actively look for more groups that suit my interests.

[NinjaRealist]

Originally Posted by SPARTAN 119

Really my university's social scene isn't that bad, I was just being stupid. I just need to actively look for more groups that suit my interests.

Well it's good that you are being positive about it, because there isn't anywhere you can go where it is easy to make friends and meet women without being proactive. I'm sure it is posible for you to find friends and meet good, interesting people at University.

However, I hope that the next time you are feeling down, you remember my words. It is still my opinion that state schools in general are not the most accepting places, especially to people who have social and mental diferences, such as those with autism spectrum personalities.

During my time at a small liberal arts college, people were, in general, far kinder to those who they saw as different from themselves and much more inclusive towards people in general.

So if you continue to struggle, despite your best efforts, remember that you shouldn't put all of the blame on yourself.

(PS I did have friends at State School, but I mostly got them by pretending to be less intellectual and egalitarian then I actually am. At state school I had to hide the fact that I liked anime, for example. At liberal arts school, even many of the most popular people (including with the opposite gender) are open about loving things like Anime, Magic Cards, and generally stuff that was frowned upon at State School. It's not fun to hide your true self.)

[Who]

There's a girl I knew for three years. I always thought she was attractive and such and someone fun to hang out with, but I never really thought of her in a girlfriend type of way until recently, after hanging out with her several times for lunch.

Trouble is, she was set up with another guy by a mutual friend of ours (who doesn't know of my attraction to her). They've been meeting each other for 3 weeks now (they met 3 weeks ago as well), grabbing lunch here and there, but it's not really official, as he hasn't asked her out, and she's not sure where they stand. She sorta likes him, but again, isn't sure.

I only know all this because I asked her directly, before directly confessing to her, because I said 'screw this, because even if it makes things awkward between us, I want her to know how I feel, and I don't want to regret not saying anything.'

She was very flattered and honored (her exact words) and told me that I should have told her before. She was also very shy and embarassed and surprised, if that counts for anything, hiding behind a bookstore when she tripped over her words trying to find the correct answer. However, she still wasn't sure where she stood, which I interpreted as a very, very, very good dodge at telling me "no". She insisted that things aren't awkward between us, but I don't know. It's been two days since I last talked with her (or she talked with me), and I'm not sure where to go from here.

[Ascaloth]

Two days? That's still a short amount of time.

Give her a week or two more, then see what happens.

[HasuMasu]

You know, that sounds a lot like how it was for me a couple years back, at some point I just thought 'fuck it, I can't take this shit anymore' and just told her without giving much thought to the outcome.