AnimeSuki Forums

bitmeister · 2014-06-14, 14:50

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZeroXSEED

For starter, don't write 95% of your fic composed purely on dialogue

More on narration and exposition, the environment, participant characters etc.

Also, we're mostly confused because we're not familiar with the cast, but that one is subjective.

Also, don't fall into the trap of "I must make distribution of dialouge and description completely even so I shall alternate every line." Usually, start with a peice of dialouge, then a paragraph or two of description, then dialouge, then some more description of mainly the characters. Rinse and repeat The last two.

If you want more examples, look at any Ray Bradbury story. He would describe the heck out of a place before ANY dialouge.

Tempest35 · 2014-06-14, 17:05

"Oi...what in the world are you girls doing?"

All the girls cringed, frozen where they stood. Even the indomitable Tatenashi felt a sliver of fear from just the tone of voice that was used upon them. They all knew who it was - only one woman alive could make all of them freeze from just her words alone.

"O-Orimura-sensei...!"

The woman made a show of propping an arm up against the wall, her other hand on her hip. "Talk about a haul - I should have been a fisherman," she murmured. "Would you mind telling me why all of you are camped out here in front of our room like this?"

The girls fidgeted for a moment. Since the latest attack on the Academy, Chifuyu arranged to have the room she used while staying at the dorms altered a bit to allow Ichika to stay with her.

~^~

"It can't be helped," she told them with her usual stoic demeanor. "I can't tell you girls the full reason but this is for everyone's sake. Understand this and accept it for now."

Normally, they would have complained despite her explanation but something about her told them that they would be better off just accepting this like she said.

"Of course, Orimura-sensei," Tatenashi gave a respectful nod. She turned and faced the rest of the girls. "You heard her. There's a legitimate reason for this. Orimura-sensei is not by any means trying to steal chances with Ichika-kun away from us."

*PAM*

"Don't say unnecessary things!"

~v~

"Um...can't we...talk to him? Just for a bit?" Lingyin asked in a tiny voice, hiding her body behind Houki as if being behind her would ward off the demon's presence.

"No," came the swift blow to their hearts. She watched them visibly deflate for a moment before she gave a chuckle. Maiden hearts were such fragile things. "Not here anyway. He's doing a chore for me. You can talk to him when he gets back."

"Ah!"

"But not inside this room. He will contact you all when he gets back." The return of the demonic presence caused them to cringe and take a step back as the 1st Gen Brunhilde opened the door and closed it decisively.

There was no way she was going to let them see the place before Ichika had a chance to clean it up. She hurriedly snatched up a bra and panties combo from near the closet corner that was somehow overlooked from this morning. The pattern and print weren't anything to get excited about but those girls' imaginations were faster than an IS core's processing power. She did not want to have to debunk their crazy fantasies - even if she used force. Besides, it was just another excuse to get to see how Ichika acted around her. They were already jealous so why add fuel to the fire? She opened up the closet and froze, a classic twitch developing on her face.

Hanging up in closet was her sheer nightgown and panty set, covered in plastic and a small note with the cartoonish likeness of a certain rabbit on it. Just below and to the right was another familiar image as well. "That little brat!" She eyed the racy underwear set, already debating how to sneak this back out to her home.

She definitely could not let those girls see this.

Spoiler for Due to 'meddling':

bitmeister · 2014-06-14, 18:37

Ah, yes. nothing quite like the rage of chifuyu.

Chevalier · 2014-06-14, 20:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tempest35

"Oi...what in the world are you girls doing?"

All the girls cringed, frozen where they stood. Even the indomitable Tatenashi felt a sliver of fear from just the tone of voice that was used upon them. They all knew who it was - only one woman alive could make all of them freeze from just her words alone.

"O-Orimura-sensei...!"

The woman made a show of propping an arm up against the wall, her other hand on her hip. "Talk about a haul - I should have been a fisherman," she murmured. "Would you mind telling me why all of you are camped out here in front of our room like this?"

The girls fidgeted for a moment. Since the latest attack on the Academy, Chifuyu arranged to have the room she used while staying at the dorms altered a bit to allow Ichika to stay with her.

~^~

"It can't be helped," she told them with her usual stoic demeanor. "I can't tell you girls the full reason but this is for everyone's sake. Understand this and accept it for now."

Normally, they would have complained despite her explanation but something about her told them that they would be better off just accepting this like she said.

"Of course, Orimura-sensei," Tatenashi gave a respectful nod. She turned and faced the rest of the girls. "You heard her. There's a legitimate reason for this. Orimura-sensei is not by any means trying to steal chances with Ichika-kun away from us."

*PAM*

"Don't say unnecessary things!"

~v~

"Um...can't we...talk to him? Just for a bit?" Lingyin asked in a tiny voice, hiding her body behind Houki as if being behind her would ward off the demon's presence.

"No," came the swift blow to their hearts. She watched them visibly deflate for a moment before she gave a chuckle. Maiden hearts were such fragile things. "Not here anyway. He's doing a chore for me. You can talk to him when he gets back."

"Ah!"

"But not inside this room. He will contact you all when he gets back." The return of the demonic presence caused them to cringe and take a step back as the 1st Gen Brunhilde opened the door and closed it decisively.

There was no way she was going to let them see the place before Ichika had a chance to clean it up. She hurriedly snatched up a bra and panties combo from near the closet corner that was somehow overlooked from this morning. The pattern and print weren't anything to get excited about but those girls' imaginations were faster than an IS core's processing power. She did not want to have to debunk their crazy fantasies - even if she used force. Besides, it was just another excuse to get to see how Ichika acted around her. They were already jealous so why add fuel to the fire? She opened up the closet and froze, a classic twitch developing on her face.

Hanging up in closet was her sheer nightgown and panty set, covered in plastic and a small note with the cartoonish likeness of a certain rabbit on it. Just below and to the right was another familiar image as well. "That little brat!" She eyed the racy underwear set, already debating how to sneak this back out to her home.

She definitely could not let those girls see this.

Spoiler for Due to 'meddling':

Ugh, what part did I just read

I really need to erase that

bitmeister · 2014-06-14, 22:40

Oh god.... Prepare for your erasing from the universe, tempest, for you have made ichika too aware, and for orimu-cest.

ZeroXSEED · 2014-06-14, 23:02

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tempest35

"Oi...what in the world are you girls doing?"

All the girls cringed, frozen where they stood. Even the indomitable Tatenashi felt a sliver of fear from just the tone of voice that was used upon them. They all knew who it was - only one woman alive could make all of them freeze from just her words alone.

"O-Orimura-sensei...!"

The woman made a show of propping an arm up against the wall, her other hand on her hip. "Talk about a haul - I should have been a fisherman," she murmured. "Would you mind telling me why all of you are camped out here in front of our room like this?"

The girls fidgeted for a moment. Since the latest attack on the Academy, Chifuyu arranged to have the room she used while staying at the dorms altered a bit to allow Ichika to stay with her.

~^~

"It can't be helped," she told them with her usual stoic demeanor. "I can't tell you girls the full reason but this is for everyone's sake. Understand this and accept it for now."

Normally, they would have complained despite her explanation but something about her told them that they would be better off just accepting this like she said.

"Of course, Orimura-sensei," Tatenashi gave a respectful nod. She turned and faced the rest of the girls. "You heard her. There's a legitimate reason for this. Orimura-sensei is not by any means trying to steal chances with Ichika-kun away from us."

*PAM*

"Don't say unnecessary things!"

~v~

"Um...can't we...talk to him? Just for a bit?" Lingyin asked in a tiny voice, hiding her body behind Houki as if being behind her would ward off the demon's presence.

"No," came the swift blow to their hearts. She watched them visibly deflate for a moment before she gave a chuckle. Maiden hearts were such fragile things. "Not here anyway. He's doing a chore for me. You can talk to him when he gets back."

"Ah!"

"But not inside this room. He will contact you all when he gets back." The return of the demonic presence caused them to cringe and take a step back as the 1st Gen Brunhilde opened the door and closed it decisively.

There was no way she was going to let them see the place before Ichika had a chance to clean it up. She hurriedly snatched up a bra and panties combo from near the closet corner that was somehow overlooked from this morning. The pattern and print weren't anything to get excited about but those girls' imaginations were faster than an IS core's processing power. She did not want to have to debunk their crazy fantasies - even if she used force. Besides, it was just another excuse to get to see how Ichika acted around her. They were already jealous so why add fuel to the fire? She opened up the closet and froze, a classic twitch developing on her face.

Hanging up in closet was her sheer nightgown and panty set, covered in plastic and a small note with the cartoonish likeness of a certain rabbit on it. Just below and to the right was another familiar image as well. "That little brat!" She eyed the racy underwear set, already debating how to sneak this back out to her home.

She definitely could not let those girls see this.

Spoiler for Due to 'meddling':

What the hell did I just read?????

Chevalier · 2014-06-15, 02:49

oh wait, I thought Silver-Throne just said you go for wincest

Rokumonsen · 2014-06-15, 03:44

Ever thought of a Chifuyu Orimura-Tatsuya Shiba matchup?

demino_hellsin · 2014-06-15, 03:56

I feel very alienated with today's youth now...

Chevalier · 2014-06-15, 04:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by demino_hellsin

I feel very alienated with today's youth now...

I still have values, at least I don`t swing that way

wavehawk · 2014-06-15, 04:15

Write whetever you want but don't try too hard to make it fit. At the veyr least, review your own writing. If you can have a beta/proofreader that you TRUST (EG not some dork who's going to try and take over your fic like most beta readers I used to have in the 90's) that's best.

Watch this clip. It's referring to scriptwriting for Doctor Who as opposed to books or other written fiction but it points out two gems:
1.) Majority of dialogue or scenery you write for your story is going to end up cut out or outright dumped. Live with it. You might end up using those bits and pieces in something else, don't try to force it in just because you think it's cool.
2.) The biggest enemy of the writer is a blank sheet. Your dialog may be good but if it's in the wrong scene or no scene at all it falls apart.
http://youtu.be/-UGgKGxL1Qc

demino_hellsin · 2014-06-15, 04:20

I miss the days when screwing over Tabane's and Izuru's plans were actually good ideas.

False Prophet · 2014-06-15, 05:35

Thanks everyone for your input!

I always wonder why there is no sitcom crossover with IS, except one or two with Doctor Who.

wavehawk · 2014-06-15, 05:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by False Prophet

I always wonder why there is no sitcom crossover with IS, except one or two with Doctor Who.

- ...why do I get the feeling my fic is one of those two?

demino_hellsin · 2014-06-15, 05:40

2 things:

1. Doctor Who is a comedy?

2. Mostly because the comedy in IS is painful and I can't imagine any of my favored sitcom crew being serious.

False Prophet · 2014-06-15, 05:53

Well, that is why I use the word "no crossover".

And sitcom cast is never serious.

wavehawk · 2014-06-15, 05:54

Quote:

Originally Posted by demino_hellsin

1. Doctor Who is a comedy?

- only in the sense that the writing is pretty snappy in most cases. More obvious in Steven Moffat's writing than others (especially apparent if you watch Sherlock). Also, current-gen Doctor Who stories are a bit more self-aware. EG it's not as campy as the older series and at the same time it stays true to the series.

Quote:

2. Mostly because the comedy in IS is painful

- In more ways than one. Usually painful to Ichika, but it's not like it doesn't sting when I watch it, either. In some cases it could use a bit more subtlety.

...I mean seriously. whenever Houki steps into a room, she's always wielding Chekov's Wooden Beat-You-To-Death-Wooden-Sword. Or Laura and the Chekhov's Stab-You-To-Death Knife. And let's not start with Cecilia's Chekhov's Shoot-Em-All Rifle and Rinny's Chekhov's Hulk-Smash-Fist.

...I'd name one for Charlotte but she's carrying a Chekhov's Arsenal of Pain right there.

Ignition Boost · 2014-06-15, 08:18

Hello, New here to Animesuki. Just been convinced by a good friend I'mherepresent to try this forum.

I have a question, has anyone tried a male OC story in IS where he plays sort of a support role to Ichika?

Not those that are that becomes the new center or takes over the whole story entirely.
The OC is just a normal boy like Ichika and becomes his wingman and best friend in the academy, comes in makes friends and most importantly weak and inept in the beginning and then slowly progresses with everyone.
Also he builds up his own path and finds love interest outside of Ichika's harem and follows his own unique principles, not like those Gary Stu stories of cliche and typical OC backgrounds.

ZeroXSEED · 2014-06-15, 08:29

Yes, someone kinda did

Ignition Boost · 2014-06-15, 08:39

Good to know I'm not alone!

It's just that too much OC centric stories become gary stu in the first few chapters.
So I plan to go with the support and best friend type OC in the same level as Ichika.

2014-06-14, 17:05	Link #53402
Tempest35 Awe of She Author Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Orlando	"Oi...what in the world are you girls doing?" All the girls cringed, frozen where they stood. Even the indomitable Tatenashi felt a sliver of fear from just the tone of voice that was used upon them. They all knew who it was - only one woman alive could make all of them freeze from just her words alone. "O-Orimura-sensei...!" The woman made a show of propping an arm up against the wall, her other hand on her hip. "Talk about a haul - I should have been a fisherman," she murmured. "Would you mind telling me why all of you are camped out here in front of our room like this?" The girls fidgeted for a moment. Since the latest attack on the Academy, Chifuyu arranged to have the room she used while staying at the dorms altered a bit to allow Ichika to stay with her. ~^~ "It can't be helped," she told them with her usual stoic demeanor. "I can't tell you girls the full reason but this is for everyone's sake. Understand this and accept it for now." Normally, they would have complained despite her explanation but something about her told them that they would be better off just accepting this like she said. "Of course, Orimura-sensei," Tatenashi gave a respectful nod. She turned and faced the rest of the girls. "You heard her. There's a legitimate reason for this. Orimura-sensei is not by any means trying to steal chances with Ichika-kun away from us." PAM "Don't say unnecessary things!" ~v~ "Um...can't we...talk to him? Just for a bit?" Lingyin asked in a tiny voice, hiding her body behind Houki as if being behind her would ward off the demon's presence. "No," came the swift blow to their hearts. She watched them visibly deflate for a moment before she gave a chuckle. Maiden hearts were such fragile things. "Not here anyway. He's doing a chore for me. You can talk to him when he gets back." "Ah!" "But not inside this room. He will contact you all when he gets back." The return of the demonic presence caused them to cringe and take a step back as the 1st Gen Brunhilde opened the door and closed it decisively. There was no way she was going to let them see the place before Ichika had a chance to clean it up. She hurriedly snatched up a bra and panties combo from near the closet corner that was somehow overlooked from this morning. The pattern and print weren't anything to get excited about but those girls' imaginations were faster than an IS core's processing power. She did not want to have to debunk their crazy fantasies - even if she used force. Besides, it was just another excuse to get to see how Ichika acted around her. They were already jealous so why add fuel to the fire? She opened up the closet and froze, a classic twitch developing on her face. Hanging up in closet was her sheer nightgown and panty set, covered in plastic and a small note with the cartoonish likeness of a certain rabbit on it. Just below and to the right was another familiar image as well. "That little brat!" She eyed the racy underwear set, already debating how to sneak this back out to her home. She definitely could not let those girls see this. Spoiler for Due to 'meddling': Unfortunately, the universe decided that it was high time for something completely out of her control to happen right then and there. Plucking the clothes from the closet, the door to their room opened. "I'm back, Chifuyu-nee," he called as he walked in with a small plastic bag. "Now I can finish garnishing the be-whoa!" He slowly dropped the bag in mild shock. Chifuyu glanced down and saw that she was holding the gown against her body. Oh great, just f* me now,** she thought sourly, completely missing Ichika's face exploding red. "Ichika, I got to get this..." "Chifuyu-nee, do you need this right now?" "...Yes, right now, you idiot. Why do you think I'm holding it..." She blinked. Wait, what was he talking about? In the blink of an eye, Chifuyu found herself on the bed with Ichika's body on top of her. "Y-You idiot, what are you doi-" Ichika just leaned down and pressed his lips against hers, overloading her own thinking processes and stunning her into silence. When he leaned back up, she was still staring at him. "I heard you, Chifuyu-nee...I heard you." "What do you mean...you didn't hear anything..." She blinked. Wait, there's no way that he could... "I can finally hear your thoughts, Chifuyu-nee," Ichika smirked. "I never thought you were thinking that sort of thing though about me." Oh no, this was definitely not good. Most definitely not good! How could he develop that right now, of all times!? How could - His lips found her neck and she shuddered. "N-no Ichika...you can't... you can't...stop..." "I won't, Chifuyu-nee," was the reply before their lips pressed together once more, the dinner preparation now long forgotten. ~v~ The woman giggled as she typed furiously on her computer. "Ah-h Ha ha ha ha! Once this gets uploaded to all the websites, she'll be ruined! How DARE she injure my precious Lady Squall like that! I'll destroy her!" The woman's crazy laughter unfortunately drowned out the noise of the entry made by the intruder. However the sheer killing intent that filled the apartment alerted her to her 'guest'. Reaching under her chair, she pulled out the pistol she kept there. "Who's there!?" "Really 'Autumn', you'd think that you would stay under the radar but nooo, I find you writing crazy fiction about my family?" "Che! What are you doing here, you sadistic little prune?!" Madoka gave a very chilling smile as the BITs manifested around Autumn's body. "Why my 'dear Autumn', I believe you know why I'm here..." __________________ "Focus entirely on me, you ordinary soldier." Last edited by Tempest35; 2014-06-14 at 19:53.

2014-06-15, 03:44	Link #53408
Rokumonsen Fear the Spear Join Date: Oct 2013 Location: Osaka Castle	Ever thought of a Chifuyu Orimura-Tatsuya Shiba matchup? __________________ . "All that is left for us is to fight to our hearts' content."

2014-06-15, 04:15	Link #53411
wavehawk Some say I'm the Reverse Join Date: Jul 2006	Write whetever you want but don't try too hard to make it fit. At the veyr least, review your own writing. If you can have a beta/proofreader that you TRUST (EG not some dork who's going to try and take over your fic like most beta readers I used to have in the 90's) that's best. Watch this clip. It's referring to scriptwriting for Doctor Who as opposed to books or other written fiction but it points out two gems: 1.) Majority of dialogue or scenery you write for your story is going to end up cut out or outright dumped. Live with it. You might end up using those bits and pieces in something else, don't try to force it in just because you think it's cool. 2.) The biggest enemy of the writer is a blank sheet. Your dialog may be good but if it's in the wrong scene or no scene at all it falls apart. http://youtu.be/-UGgKGxL1Qc __________________ "We haven't been properly introduced..."

2014-06-15, 08:29	Link #53419
ZeroXSEED I am no one Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Inside your head	Yes, someone kinda did __________________

2014-06-14, 18:37	Link #53403
bitmeister Expert Procrastinator Join Date: Oct 2013 Location: An air vent, staring at you	Ah, yes. nothing quite like the rage of chifuyu.

2014-06-14, 22:40	Link #53405
bitmeister Expert Procrastinator Join Date: Oct 2013 Location: An air vent, staring at you	Oh god.... Prepare for your erasing from the universe, tempest, for you have made ichika too aware, and for orimu-cest.

2014-06-15, 02:49	Link #53407
Chevalier Rhein-kun Author Join Date: May 2014 Location: PH	oh wait, I thought Silver-Throne just said you go for wincest

2014-06-15, 03:56	Link #53409
demino_hellsin That one guy Join Date: Nov 2011	I feel very alienated with today's youth now...

2014-06-15, 04:20	Link #53412
demino_hellsin That one guy Join Date: Nov 2011	I miss the days when screwing over Tabane's and Izuru's plans were actually good ideas.

2014-06-15, 05:35	Link #53413
False Prophet Suffer in Lake of Fire Join Date: Jun 2014	Thanks everyone for your input! I always wonder why there is no sitcom crossover with IS, except one or two with Doctor Who.

2014-06-15, 05:40	Link #53415
demino_hellsin That one guy Join Date: Nov 2011	2 things: 1. Doctor Who is a comedy? 2. Mostly because the comedy in IS is painful and I can't imagine any of my favored sitcom crew being serious.

2014-06-15, 05:53	Link #53416
False Prophet Suffer in Lake of Fire Join Date: Jun 2014	Well, that is why I use the word "no crossover". And sitcom cast is never serious.

2014-06-15, 08:18	Link #53418
Ignition Boost Member Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: ??????	Hello, New here to Animesuki. Just been convinced by a good friend I'mherepresent to try this forum. I have a question, has anyone tried a male OC story in IS where he plays sort of a support role to Ichika? Not those that are that becomes the new center or takes over the whole story entirely. The OC is just a normal boy like Ichika and becomes his wingman and best friend in the academy, comes in makes friends and most importantly weak and inept in the beginning and then slowly progresses with everyone. Also he builds up his own path and finds love interest outside of Ichika's harem and follows his own unique principles, not like those Gary Stu stories of cliche and typical OC backgrounds.

2014-06-15, 08:39	Link #53420
Ignition Boost Member Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: ??????	Good to know I'm not alone! It's just that too much OC centric stories become gary stu in the first few chapters. So I plan to go with the support and best friend type OC in the same level as Ichika.