To my utter amazement, I had no idea what to make of the present circumstances. Any person with human emotion would be able to sympathize with my situation and feeling of exhaustion. And they would say the same thing I would.
"What's going on here?"
"Did you say something?"
Next to me was Haruki with a grin looking quite out of place in this situation. A grin expressing pleasure bordering on the side of evil which hints at his intention to kick aside common sense and charge head-on into whatever may come like a hot-blooded idiot. Once he has that grin on his face, the rest of us have no choice but to follow this reckless guy wherever he may go. I can only pray that we aren't headed for the student guidance office or prep school class for people who didn't get into college.
But yeah, now isn't the time to be praying.
"I didn't say anything. Actually, I'd rather not say anything for a while."
That was all I had to offer.
"I see. Then keep quiet. Leave this to me. You can be one of the side characters. You're not meant for these kinds of negotiations anyway."
I would rather he not arbitrarily decide what I should and shouldn't do with my life, but for now, I clamped my mouth shut like a clam. Of course, I wasn't sure who I should be talking to or what I should be saying, so I would like to avoid worsening the situation by opening my mouth randomly and saying the wrong thing. Besides, anyone else who found themselves suddenly thrust into this position would feel the same way.
Yes, you would, if you were suddenly dragged into the throne room of some castle in the middle of who knows where and found yourself before some stout old woman who looks like a queen sitting on her throne.
"O brave hero Haruki."
The old woman who looked like the Queen of Hearts said in a heavy, raspy voice.
"Salvation for this world can only be delivered by one born as a hero, carrying the blood of the great heroes of legend passed down through the ages. You are our only hope. Please heed my request and slay the evil demon lord who attempts to employ fear and disaster to take over this beautiful world."
"Say, grandma."
Haruki casually said to the queen-ey woman who some genuflecting old minister-looking hag had addressed as "Highness."
It would appear that the medieval practice of absolute monarchial rule was imposed in this place, but perhaps this kingdom doesn't follow lese majesty since I was left waiting for guards to come throw Haruki into the dungeon. Though, make sure to put him in a cell by himself. I don't want to be stuck with him.
And while I'm at it, Nagato, Asahina-sempai, and Itsuko probably don't want to be stuck in the dungeon with him either. I'm hoping the fact that we're all standing here in a line isn't going to get the rest of tied up because we're associated with that moron.
"Save the world, is it? Well, of course I'd want to do it. I'm of the mind that any request directed towards me is a reasonable request. My compliments. You have good sense in selecting people. My underlings and I can take care of any request in a flash. We have a long list of exploits to prove it."
That speech was so full of lies that I wish someone could just delete it on the spot. Pretend it never happened.
On my left, Haruki stood with exemplary posture and authority before thrusting his right index finger at the queen on her throne with a snap.
"But you know, work should be adequately compensated. What do I get out of beating up that demon lord or whatever that's got a bad case of world domination fever? I have a feeling that conquering the world really just means that somebody else ends up with the tax revenue."
He sounds like a pro. I shifted my eyes from his lively face and casually surveyed his costume.
O brave hero Haruki- Normally, if some fool addressed him like that, I would have to call an ambulance and get that poor woman out of there immediately. But in this case, that seems out of the question. For Haruki's current attire, no matter how much you pick at it, is quite befitting of a "hero." Picture in your mind the costume of a hero that would appear in any RPG based in a western medieval setting. I'm pretty sure it'll be close enough. That is what Haruki is currently garbed in, he even has the traditional "hero" headband.
"Hear me, o brave hero Haruki."
She should just chase us out of the castle already. But apparently, the queen intends to take him seriously.
"In the event that the evil demon lord is vanquished and peace brought to this world, your name will be lauded as a hero's to the ends of the earth. Do you mean to say that such glory is unsatisfactory?"
"Well, yeah."
Haruki flicked his finger across his nose.
"A medal of honor won't put food on the table. Best I could manage would be to auction it off."
"O brave hero Haruki. I offer my daughter, the princess's hand in marriage?
"I don't need any princesses."
"Then how about the prince's hand in marriage and joint rulership? However, my children, the prince and princess, have both been kidnapped by the demon lord. They have been confined in the demon lord's castle. We can discuss this further after you've rescued them."
"Damn it, I already said I don't need 'em."
You can hear the wrath building in his voice.
"If you think I'm going to be impressed by the chance to marry some weird person, I'll tell you right up front. You are sadly mistaken! How mistaken? Let's say you overlooked a question on a scantron sheet, filled in all the answers while off by one question, and turned it in without realizing it. That's how far off you are! And it's not just a practice exam. It's the real thing!"
Wait, I thought the purpose of this stupid club was to make a bride out of..oh, nevermind.
After Haruki finished his emphatic outburst, he leaned over towards my ear.
"Hey, Kyon. Why don't we start a rebellion and topple this regime? I'm pretty sure this old hag will abdicate if we threaten to slit her throat with a sword. Or if you want, I'd be willing to make you the Queen."
Do it by yourself if you want to. I have no interest in rebelling, toppling regimes or becoming a Queen, especially if you're planning to take the throne yourself. I want to live a peaceful, uneventful life in some corner of the world. I'm sure the rest of us, not counting Haruki, feel the same way.
And so, I avoided Haruki's eyes and turned to face the opposite direction. What I saw there was a sight so very adorable. I could probably bear a week of agony as long as I had Asahina-sempai's blank, hallowed face to satiate my eyes on.
"Ah."
Asahina-sempai noticed me looking at him and his previously look of disorientation was replaced by a gentle smile. He shyly spread his arms out. But it wasn't body language for "I'll sweep you into my arms if you come closer."
"Does this look good on me?"
That goes without saying. If any article of clothing were to look bad on Asahina-sempai, it would the clothing's fault, never the model's fault. Such an article of clothing can be used as fuel for the fire on a cold night in a mountain cabin.
"You look exactly like a mage. Nobody could mistake you for anything else."
I was feeling that I should keep my words of praise simple, and so, I conveyed my flood of emotions in two sentences. I know my message got through. Asahina-sempai's smile grew wider.
"You also look quite good in yours, Kyon-chan."
"Thank you," I said as a smile grew on my face. Though I was rather torn about whether I should actually be happy about the compliment. There's nothing fun about looking good when dressed up in some costume I have no interest in. As I struggled for a way to settle this matter, Mrs. Queen of Hearts, probably tired of verbally sparring with Haruki, spoke.
"O warrior Kyon."
Now it's my turn.
"What have you? Save this world, and receive the prince's hand in marriage and the right to be the consort to the next ruler of this kingdom."
Warrior. Looks like that was my role here. I'm wearing armor and even have this sword at my waist, so yeah, I'm probably a warrior. Even if the armor doesn't really seem to cover enough to be practical, at least I look the part. Incidentally, my experience with swords would be nil, but I guess that doesn't matter.
"I may be singing my own praises, but the prince is a handsome man to behold," said Her Highness, whose blind parental instinct to fawn over her children had started to kick in. "He shone by placing at the top of the World's Top 100 Dashing Young Gentlemen last year. If he hadn't been taken by the demon lord, he could have been the back-to-back champion this year."
"Really now."
I responded shortly. This prince might be worth having a look at. But to be honest, I found it hard to believe that a man I have yet to meet could be cuter than Asahina-sempai, more active than Haruki, and more useful than Nagato. My heart can no longer be swayed so easily.
Besides, if I were to nod here, the hero might end the story here before the demon lord could ever get to me. That scene of the future popped up like a soap bubble floating about ten centimeters before my face before disappearing.
"She sure is a persistent queen."
Thought I could hear Haruki grumbling.
"This is totally not enough money for covering travel expenses. Don't be stingy and haggle about fee on completion. Just give us as much as possible. Let's see. 99999 gold should do it."
That might work if they use paper currency here, but if it's in coinage, it'll probably weigh a ton. And who gets to walk around with a treasure chest strapped to her back? Not that I say any of this out loud. That would be dumb. Just take her crown. You can probably sell it for money somewhere.
Haruki went on to shoot out questions about floating exchange rates and whether or not they used a gold standard, request an military escort of ten thousand calvary and fifty thousand foot, and make other unreasonable demands which only served to put perplexed expressions on the faces of Her Highness and the minister.
I get the feeling this is going to take a while, so I'll use this time to briefly describe the garb of the remaining two people.
Nagato is a thief. Itsuko is a dancer wearing a revealing outfit. The end. There's no need to explain any further. They look the part.
Nagato's unmoving stare is directed intently at the opposite stone wall. Itsuko had that painfully artificial, easy smile plastered on her face as she calmly watched Haruki talk. I'm quite relieved that I wasn't the one who had to wear Itsuko's costume. It accentuated her shapely curves so perfectly, it was both infuriating and depressing.
The party consisted of these five members. Or to make things easier, it's just the usual group. Just that Haruki's armband says hero instead of brigade chief. I am his companion warrior. Then there's the mage Asahina-sempai, and the thief is Nagato. Itsuko plays a dancer. It's a pretty awful casting job. Almost like they accidentally put these characters into the wrong story during the development stage.
Haruki and Her Highness, the Queen of Hearts, were still engaged in their foolish dispute, which gave me time to grasp the situation in this world. The root of the problem is this evil demon lord who came out of nowhere and happens to be considered extremely evil by the ruling class of this nation. The demon's also a kidnapper so they want us to go on a little adventure per se. So it's basically an RPG. And a pretty bad one to boot.
"Well, then."
I said as I tried lifting the sword at my waist, ugh, this thing is heavy. I'm not exactly sure what I'll be fighting against, but I'd rather not be put in a situation where I have to use this thing. We aren't too good with that savage and serious stuff. Well, maybe I can leave all of the fighting to Haruki.
2008-05-17, 06:31
