2009-06-16, 05:52 | Link #4384 | |
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
Moderator
Join Date: Mar 2006
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Quote:
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2009-06-16, 17:39 | Link #4389 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
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10 Signs the Economy Really IS That Bad.
1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 2. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 3. Hot wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM cars! 4. McDonalds is selling the quarter -ouncer. 5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 6. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty. 7. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. 8. Motel Six won't leave the light on. (hah! my personal fave) 9. The Mafia is laying off judges. 10. When bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you have to call the bank and ask if they meant you or them. |
2009-06-19, 02:05 | Link #4394 |
Le fou, c'est moi
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Las Vegas, NV, USA
Age: 34
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Actually, the word "and" is generally considered to denote an addition in English, not a multiplication, so it's actually Girls = Money + Money. The equation is thus complicated by this error.
...oh my god, what is wrong with me? |
2009-06-19, 03:51 | Link #4397 |
'Sup Ballers
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: North Carolina, USA
Age: 34
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Original:
A classic. Btw, this is the original! It was recorded in the mid-90s, before the internet got truely popular. Asian Dudes Version (One of many): Black Dudes Version Last edited by Dilla; 2009-06-19 at 17:27. |
2009-06-19, 05:21 | Link #4398 |
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington, D.C.
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* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" * Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." * Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" * Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." Apparently taken from a real courtroom proceeding. Lawyers like to be thorough, don't they? |
2009-06-19, 12:03 | Link #4399 |
'Sup Ballers
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: North Carolina, USA
Age: 34
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^Haha, that's from the book Disorder in Court. They all appearently really happened. Here's some more:
Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you''ve forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can''t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Children in Court Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? Q: What school did you go to? A: Oral. Hilarious Autopsy Discussion Q: Now doctor, isn''t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn''t know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: OK. Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. Funny Lawyer Joke A very rich man died and his friends and family gethered to hear a lawyer read out his will. "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in hard times as well as good, I leave the house and two million dollars. The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the business and one million dollars." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well, you are wrong. Hi, Dan." A Few Funny Questions Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court.../dp/0393319288 |
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