Dating

[DonQuigleone]

@number 1: Not an uncommon experience. It happens to a lot (I'd almost say all but...) of us in our teens. It was the same with me when I was 16, I was convinced me and this girl were destined for one another. She wasn't quite so keen. I never actually outright confessed though.

Anyway, he just has to lose cosmic romantic notions surrounding love, and learn that it's really a transaction between two people who have affection for one another. Due to it being a "transaction", it requires to consent of both. Alas, while you may be in love with her, that's no guarantee she feels the same for you.

Unfortunately, he's probably not going to listen. The feelings are so intense that it's going to be hard for him to admit that love isn't as romantic as he thought. He has to figure it out for himself.

Me, my solution is to only fall in love after you're going out with someone. Easier said then done though. I've gotten better at controlling myself over the years though. Falling in love before hand only leads to frustration and pain, because it's very likely to not work out.

Anyway, just keep him from doing anything to extreme. Get him into casual contact with other women. Or get him to see a side of his crush that's unflattering and doesn't gel with his image of her.


As for number 2: Sorry I got nothing. Either A, he doesn't really like her(or has a crush on someone else), or B, he needs a good slap to put some sense into him. When you like a girl, and she's chasing you, you really have no reason but to say "sure, why not? Let's see how this goes..." Otherwise he seems to be just being a bit melodramatic. Probably better for her sake that she doesn't get involved with him anyway. Who wants that kind of drama?

[Paranoid Android]

1. To that degree it is far past something admirable. It began as admirable but it's going way too overboard. It's the result of having too many fantasies and internal thoughts and too few external interpersonal communication. While I've never been in his shoes or any similar situation; I have had suicidal periods in my past for completely different things and if his idealism is strong enough to invoke suicidal thoughts, there is nothing that can be done. Either accept reality and stop daydreaming or succumb to the depression.

The most misleading/corrupting thing people say far too much is 'be yourself'. Your friend needs to grow up or some part of him needs to change and if you feel the need to step in and help him. Be straight out and blunt that he needs to change. Extreme idealism doesn't work in reality, this isn't a matter of being simply optimistic.

While his thoughts of eternal devotion is extremely common which I've also vowed once. When I broke up for the first time, I simply break that vow with myself. There wasn't even a trauma. I just simply felt embarrassed that I even thought such a thing would exist. Your friend simply didn't have the same coincidental experiences that makes one accept un-ideal events.
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2. This is so hard to put into words.

- Love of misery (Masochism, extremely common). Whether he realizes it or not, making things painful and difficult distorts happiness much sweeter than it really is. Many of my friends and I do the same thing.

- Playing hard to get. While playing hard to get to many people sounds stupid, destructive and pointless, people do it anyways. This is an emotional trap. It's very difficult to change from this kind of play to being upfront. He's denying her because he want's to feel needed -AND/OR- he wants to make her feel pain similar to the pain he's inflicting to himself, another kind of kinky romance.

I'm a terrible example of both. No I don't think it works at all. But I can't help it, making things miserable gives me more hope that things would be better. Because if a relationship works out to easily, I feel unsatisfied that I couldn't try my best.

It doesn't work because not everyone's a psychologist who has the time to interpret everyone's emotions and thoughts. Especially that these two haven't even seen each other (or simply not that close).

As a friend, you can either:
A. Tell your friend that he needs to just give it a chance, open up and try it since there's no harm. Tell him that his efforts don't work in reality and those words won't reach the girl the way he wants them to. If I was him, method A doesn't work at all, I think people with this kind of awkward mindset are often stubborn people as well.

B. Tell that girl your friend is shy, white-lie that your friend feels denied (it maybe true but you don't know) and is acting weird. Tell her that there's a hurdle your friend can't overcome, and beg her to try and help your friend and schedule to see each other. This is works much better, but the circumstances are really specific I think

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Probably better for her sake that she doesn't get involved with him anyway. Who wants that kind of drama?

Nobody, people do this are rather self-centered. While it is better for her to not be involved. Our friend here is on his friend's side and not that girl's side. So he should be considerate and make things work in his friend's favor. *flips over chair in maniacal laughter*

[Endless Soul]

@ Hera - For your item #1, I don't confess this very often but I was like this once. I was about the same age as your friend and was literally batshit crazy for a girl. I was doing everything I could think of to get her to love me back. The result was that I was pushing her even further away, which in turn made me even more desperate to gain her love. I didn't notice it then, but I was also pushing my friends away because all I could do was talk about her, and they were getting sick and tired of hearing about it. I also didn't really listen to anything my friends were trying to tell me about letting her go.

As time went on I grew up a little more physically and emotionally and realized that what I was doing wasn't helping anything. I looked at things from her perspective and saw myself as she must have seen me, and it wasn't pleasant. I also came to the realization that I was never actually in love with her in the first place, but rather, I was in love with the idea of being in love with her. I learned a lesson and this allowed me to move on. My friends came back, or rather, I came back to my friends.

I know this will sound blunt, and I'm sorry about that, but your friend is young, and, while I sympathize with what he is going through because I've been there, he needs to grow up some more before he can find the one he truly loves, and will love him back. Keep talking to him, but unfortunately I doubt he will listen to you. Just be there for him when he snaps out of it.

EDIT: Don Q and Paranoid Android say pretty much the same thing I did, but were faster on the keyboard.

Endless "Batshit crazy" Soul

[Kafriel]

what I was doing wasn't helping anything. I looked at things from her perspective and saw myself as she must have seen me, and it wasn't pleasant. I also came to the realization that I was never actually in love with her in the first place, but rather, I was in love with the idea of being in love with her. I learned a lesson and this allowed me to move on.

That makes two of us...a few years back, I was very positive that I was in love with this girl, we were kinda close friends and she didn't have many at the time, but the second I opened that mouth of mine about "true feelings", I realized they weren't as real as I had thought. Unfortunately she distanced herself afterwards (which is natural, taking her character into account) but at least I got over it.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Endless Soul

@ Hera - For your item #1, I don't confess this very often but I was like this once. I was about the same age as your friend and was literally batshit crazy for a girl.

I think everyone is like this at least once in their lives. Love is intense!

Is there anyone who hasn't gone crazy for a girl(or boy) and declared "eternal devotion" to them? Besides those few who are asexuals, I guess.

[Paranoid Android]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I think everyone is like this at least once in their lives. Love is intense!

Is there anyone who hasn't gone crazy for a girl(or boy) and declared "eternal devotion" to them? Besides those few who are asexuals, I guess.

Yeah I agree, however budding and fission are like totally hip ways to reproduce nowadays.

[Tenken's Smile]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

- Love of misery
- Playing hard to get.

What kind of jerks would do this?!?!? Not to mention those two "tactics" would backfire more than anything.

[NoemiChan]

I had many crushes (some love) ever since elementary up to college but decide to get into relationship only if I will reach 30 years old or at least be financially stable before leading to getting married. As, the only child, I had to put into priority my parents first, before expanding my family tree....

"I wish that my first love would be my true love."

[HasuMasu]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I think everyone is like this at least once in their lives. Love is intense!

Is there anyone who hasn't gone crazy for a girl(or boy) and declared "eternal devotion" to them? Besides those few who are asexuals, I guess.

I've gone crazy, but never devoted myself.

I'm the kind of guy who prefers apartments to houses, if you know what I mean.

[warita]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

While his thoughts of eternal devotion is extremely common which I've also vowed once. When I broke up for the first time, I simply break that vow with myself. There wasn't even a trauma. I just simply felt embarrassed that I even thought such a thing would exist.

When my first boyfriend broke up with me I also vowed eternal devotion forever and ever. It lasted for about 4 years until I finnaly gave up on the idea. I never felt stupid about it.... because this was how I felt at that time. And sometimes it takes time to mature and realize, that some people are just not worth it. And that absolute devotion as nice as it may sound is not valued by others (at all). People dont want you to give them something they didnt ask for and yes it hurts, when you offer your entire heart and he/she doesnt care. But thats part of growing up I guess and that boy is so young, just 15.... damn, when I was that age we didnt go running after the opposite sex, thats like half a kid yet.

[DonQuigleone]

I don't know, 15 seems about the right time. My first crush was 16, and I've always considered myself a late bloomer (puberty was ~15).

[Paranoid Android]

My first gf was grade 8 (14?). Oh boy, those days were funny. Sadly I didn't even love her. I'd say we were both simply really bored. So my first relationship was rather non-life changing. Where I grew up, boys and girls aren't

I think the biggest trauma/heartbreak was realizing how hard it is to actually give 100% into a relationship. I see myself as such a decent person in the drawing board but whatever comes out in reality is totally wrong.

[Xenio]

@#1: this guy is clearly too childish and his love is too one-sided, gradually he will understand how one-sided it was and start thinking on how stupid he was and what was that girl thought about him then

i found it funny on how most people have their first crush about 14->16 (i didn't know that before i read it here), same as mine, but i was wise enough to know that one-sided won't lead to anything, so i'm tried to act cool when she is near but i never got further than casual chat (and often with a group of my friends). one day , she moved, end.(was sad for months after that)

[Hera]

Thanks. The #2 guy seems more problematic and harder to fix .-. How to get him to open up and talk about it?

[Gamer_2k4]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Is there anyone who hasn't gone crazy for a girl(or boy) and declared "eternal devotion" to them? Besides those few who are asexuals, I guess.

I haven't. Admittedly, I've only ever had one girlfriend (my current one), but I like to think I was sensible enough as a teen to not go crazy over girls that I was never going to go after.

That said, after a two hour talk last night, my girlfriend and I did decide that we love each other, so I guess you could call that "eternal devotion." However, I like to think that it was a result of realistically assessing where we are, what we want, and how we feel, rather than saying it simply because of crazy infatuation.

[warita]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I don't know, 15 seems about the right time. My first crush was 16, and I've always considered myself a late bloomer (puberty was ~15).

Sure sure, but he isnt just being in love, he is pushing for relationship and for that he is definately too young. You can be in love with somebody, watch him from afar and day dream about him, but you shouldnt start a relationship at this age. 17-18 sounds more fitting.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by warita

Sure sure, but he isnt just being in love, he is pushing for relationship and for that he is definately too young. You can be in love with somebody, watch him from afar and day dream about him, but you shouldnt start a relationship at this age. 17-18 sounds more fitting.

You're right, but people at that age don't listen to reason in romantic matters(I certainly didn't). So it's perfectly reasonable for a person at 16, who has a huge crush, to be overwhelmed with the desire for a long term "eternal" relationship.

I remember when I had my first crush, I thought I'd end out marrying the girl. I was always too much of a coward too carry through though. There was also continuously this voice in the back of my head saying I was wrong, and that she doesn't love me back, and I'm just obsessing...

Fear and reason are a powerful combination to prevent you from doing something. Probably a good thing though. Who knows what idiotic things I could have done.

[monsta666]

Originally Posted by Hera

Thanks. The #2 guy seems more problematic and harder to fix .-. How to get him to open up and talk about it?

Your second friend is older and the older you get the harder it is to change, generally speaking that is. Plus one thing to bear in mind before you try to change your friend's behaviour is the fact you must accept the basic concept that people will not change unless they want to. If what you do does not work even after a bit of repetition/encouragement then it is unlikely to ever work as he has no will to change.

Now, to me it would seem your friend seems to scared of the risk and what meeting that person would do to their life and how his life might be impacted should he fall in love. So it would seem he panicked and basically reacted like a deer in headlights and did nothing. This was an unfortunate reaction and he felt guilty and then shameful for it. I think that's the reason he blocked her from Facebook as he didn't have it in him to maintain contact with her after what he done. Then after the shame he had to justify his behaviour to others.

I am sorry if my post sounds harsh towards your friend. I do not mean to say negative things, I just feel on the big day he got stage fright and didn't show up. The rest was just reactions to that day. I guess what you could ask is why he didn't show up and was it a case of nerves or what? Ask why he got nervous and encourage him to be a little more brave in the future. As they say: fortune favours the bold(s)! If things don't work out after trying then we can live with that. But what is harder to live with is the regret of not taking action when we know that could have lead to something good. I think you need to stress those kind of points to your friend.

[kitten320]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I think everyone is like this at least once in their lives. Love is intense!

Is there anyone who hasn't gone crazy for a girl(or boy) and declared "eternal devotion" to them? Besides those few who are asexuals, I guess.

I'm not asexual and I'm a girl of the age of 21 and I never went through the whole love drama

There was a guy whom I really liked and I still kind of like him but it was years since I last saw him or talked to him
As a teen I did get depressed a bit but that lasted just few days
I guess I'm weird.

Because truthfully love struck people like that annoy me and those who are even considering suicide deserve to be smacked on the head... HARD!

I really don't understand those people

So sadly I can't help here, all I can suggest is to slap him or something if things get really bad. Maybe that will wake him up.
All I can assure is that there are maximum 10% of chances that girl will respond though if she doesn't even want to be friends then chances are even smaller.

Such love dedication should be addressed to someone who accepts and returns it, that will noble. He will be a worthy guy then.
But going crazy over person who doesn't give a shit just makes him look like an idiot. There is nothing noble in that at all.
Bravery/Nobility and Idiocy stand really close together and a lot of people confuse them. Someone I know wants to be brave but always ends as an idiot
The best choice would be to try and to show that he is an idiot right now, though knowing from experience that will be a very hard task...


Ah yeh, I had a classmate back at school who was really into one girl. They did go out for almost a year but... he was a very jealous person and quiet clingy, eventually girl got tired with him and broke up.
I heard he made a HUGE scene out of it, won't go into details but it really could be called a disaster...
Now few years later he is happily in new relationship
I guess time really heals everything.

[Paranoid Android]

I was gonna type something when I was at work but then I ran out of time. Your friend should not be considering suicide at the age of 15 for a love relationship. No on should. The only reason I can imagine someone of that age consider suicide is if they're on drugs, pregnant or suffering domestic abuse. If you friend is serious about that, then there is something extremely negative in his life that needs to be dealt with immediately from professional attention. That age is way too young.

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As for 2, you asked if there's anything that can be done. You can't be on his side. That's all you can do. Disagree and tell him he needs to grow out of it and be direct because those kinds of neglecting games are silly, emotionally disrupting and pointless. Or not do anything. You should not have to hold the hands of a 20 year old man and socialize for him. That's actually going to have a long term negative effect if you do something too interfering.

Originally Posted by kitten320

I'm not asexual and I'm a girl of the age of 21 and I never went through the whole love drama

Are you sureeeee? Are you sure this doesn't excite you?


I'm kidding and budding.

Most people can heal a broken heart over time. But there's always the close-minded stubborn extremists, oh that friend of mine makes me worry sometimes but it ain't good for my own health to worry more than he is. x__X