Dating

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Kimidori

this not really about "dating" but it about my friend's relationship so i think i should post here.

my friend is a Buddhist follower and have swear to devote her life for it. recently, a high ranked monk ask her to learn buddhism to a higher level but she will have to reject some "normal life" things. a friend of her, who unconditional helped her a lot in the past, absolutely against it and tell her she must stop.
now she not sure who she should listen to, she said that if she agree to learn buddhism to a higher level it would be like she betrayed that friend of her, but if she listen to that friend it also like she betrayed the monk's trust and she really want learn buddhism more.

she asked me for a solution but i can't think of any. what you think she should do in this situation?

She's betraying her friend if she continues her Buddhist studies? She's betraying the monk if she doesn't?


So. Many. Uses.

A serious matter this may be, but it's not so serious it warrants the term "betrayal". It's not like she's harming her friend in any way if she doesn't take his advice, nor is she harming the monk if she does. I'm going to echo some of the other guys here; it's her own damn choice to make in life, and she doesn't have to answer to anyone for it. Her own damn choice.

Now that I've covered that, time to play contrarian; what do you mean by 'having to give up "normal life" stuff'? Possessions, friends, family ties perhaps? There isn't just one benign mainstream version of Buddhism; it's very possible your friend's in an extremist sect capable of planting Sarin in subway trains, or something like it. Is there some good reason the friend is so against her advancing further in her religious studies? We need to know these things.

Originally Posted by Hera

Guys and gals,
A male friend of mine said don't care about whether that person is taken or not, if you like him, tell him, rather than keep it inside and regret.
He has dated a lot of experience with dating and still he suggested such a thing.
Your thoughts on that?

Well, I'd have to say I agree with your friend there. Better to lay it all out and resolve everything there and then, then carry around such a regret for an entire lifetime.

[Gamer_2k4]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

Personally, it's not a good sign if my crush dumps her bf for me. That suggests many things about that person, I might not make a judgement on what kind of person she is, but none of those possibilities are traits I want my girlfriend to have.

To put explicitly what I assume you're implying, it means she's willing to drop her current boyfriend if someone "better" comes along. That's not a good quality for a relationship.

[Paranoid Android]

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

To put explicitly what I assume you're implying, it means she's willing to drop her current boyfriend if someone "better" comes along. That's not a good quality for a relationship.

That's the most obvious reason.

But she might also not even make a comparison, she might not like her bf at all and be sincerely taking a liking to me after I confess to her. And that she only took part in that relationship for the social image. Faking a relationship for the sake of image isn't a good trait. I would have a hard time knowing what's true and what's false about her.

[HasuMasu]

Originally Posted by Hera

Guys and gals,
A male friend of mine said don't care about whether that person is taken or not, if you like him, tell him, rather than keep it inside and regret.
He has dated a lot of experience with dating and still he suggested such a thing.
Your thoughts on that?

Personally I agree, I think of it as fair game.

[NoemiChan]

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

To put explicitly what I assume you're implying, it means she's willing to drop her current boyfriend if someone "better" comes along. That's not a good quality for a relationship.

Agree. If she could do this once, there could be a possibility that, in the future , if you mess up... she will leave you without a second thought...even without trying to fix the problem.

[Hera]

Has anyone ever asked someone whom you've just met go to on a date? How was it? How did you manage to do it?

How long did your first love last?

[zebra]

Originally Posted by solomon

Been at the online dating thing a little while and it's a thorough meh for me so far, besides Endless Soul, anyone else have any real strong opinons about it?

It seems impossible to get through to people and have them respond to you, albiet these are for various reasons. Long story short, I'm becoming a bit unenthused with the notion of the "first impression" being a picture, a blurb you punch into a template and and what ever "witty and charming" line you use to attract attention.

The thing is: There is nothing else to judge you by then your picture and your tacky line to say hi. Add the anonymity of the internet and people forget their manners and won't leave a proper response.
If you're waiting for the key to change that - I'm afraid I can't help you, every girl reacts differently. You have to find a way to catch their interest and stand out from the other dozens of messages. That isn't easy.

You might do well if you refer to her profile in some way - it shows you're interest in the person herself. Especially if there's a common interest or hobby, that might even be a door opener.
Open questions are a good way to give an impulse for an answer, but don't overdo it. Too many questions at one time and you'll seem like a detective.

No guarentees, though.

Originally Posted by limao

Obviously males and females are not compatible.

Apart from the middle.
BA-DUM-TISS.

... could'nt resist ...

Originally Posted by Hera

Has anyone ever asked someone whom you've just met go to on a date? How was it? How did you manage to do it?

I'm a girl so I have this wonderful advantage of getting asked that more often than asking it myself. However:
I only did when I met the guy at a club or a bar and went with a simple "I'd like to meet again to get to know you, how about you?"

Worked well
Common practice is also to exchange phone numbers, say "I'll message / call you" and do just that.

But of course first comes the flirting

If I met a guy in a different scenario I simply kept in touch or happened to meet and ... then everything progressed naturally, I guess?

[Crimrui]

Man, if I didn't see it for myself I would never believe it. My good friend met this one girl through online MMORPG. I think it was Lineage II. So they kinda played together a bit and eventually exchanged their e-mail addresses. I was assuring him that it was probably a dude pulling his leg.
But I was wrong and it was a girl. So they chated for a while through cam and apparently they started liking each other. Next time I saw him, he was telling me that he plans on visiting her in another country.

I told him that he was out of his mind and urged him not to waste his money on a blind meeting. In reality I think I was jealous as I wanted something like that to happen to me. I tried online dating before and that never actually worked for me so I transported all my negativity about it on his actions . And for him to find a girl without actually ''looking for one'' left a sense of unfairness in me.

Anyway, his parents were against it too but with him having his own money they couldn't stop him. So yeah, he went there and came back with a smile. They are in the relationship over 2 years already and he visits her every few months. I saw pictures of them and they look really happy together. Even chated through msn with his new girlfriend and she really is an awesome girl. I'm really happy for him but also a bit envious of his lovey-dovey experience. Haha and I even told him that but he just pated my back assuring me that my time will come lol.

I won't go into discussion if that relationship will last and what will become of it later but the whole point was, that sometimes, good stuff like this happen to people. ^^

[warita]

Hera chan, you seem to have a relationship fetish, hahahaha

[solomon]

That is really nice.

I'm too stingy with my money to try it though. Every situations different but if there is someone compatable with me who is right down the lane, I don't think I am gonna drop a couple hundred to go see another cross border.

Then again that's me.

[HasuMasu]

Now that is just cheating.

I feel you, man.

[Gamer_2k4]

Originally Posted by Crimson Cloud

I'm really happy for him but also a bit envious of his lovey-dovey experience. Haha and I even told him that but he just pated my back assuring me that my time will come lol.

I won't go into discussion if that relationship will last and what will become of it later but the whole point was, that sometimes, good stuff like this happen to people. ^^

I would almost say that's the worst sort of relationship. You've found someone who's "perfect," but because of the distance between you, the relationship has no future! You can't hear their voice, you can't hold them, you can't do things together, and worst of all, you have no ability to advance the relationship.

I say this as someone who avoided pursuing single friends of mine for years because I wanted the relationship to ultimately become marriage. I was past the point in my life where I'd be dating for the sake of dating, and getting involved with someone I had no future with (due to religious differences, for example), was just a waste of time. In my mind, a long-distance relationship is a hindrance, and a long-distance relationship with the "perfect" person is just torturous.

So don't envy your friend. He may have found someone now, but it's someone who, though no fault of her own other than the circumstances, is passively stagnating his life. Given the choice between waiting for the truly perfect person or tying yourself down with someone who seems perfect but is ultimately unattainable, which would you prefer?

[warita]

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

In my mind, a long-distance relationship is a hindrance, and a long-distance relationship with the "perfect" person is just torturous.

How is it a waste of time, if they can any time decide to move together. All they need to do is to decide who will move to whose country. The choice will probably be the one country that offers better job opportunities or a higher quality of life.

[NorthernFallout]

Not to mention that, if they are of different cultures, while it might create unseen problems, it also presents a unique opportunity to experience something others can't do as easily, in context of other countries and cultures. Yea, long-distance is torture, but in the end it might well be worth it, as it sometimes serve to bring couples closer together seeing how communication and trust, two of the main factors in a relationship IMHO, must be enforced even more.

If you don't take the jump, you'll never find out and you only live once. Speaking from personal experience.

[Gamer_2k4]

Originally Posted by warita

How is it a waste of time, if they can any time decide to move together. All they need to do is to decide who will move to whose country. The choice will probably be the one country that offers better job opportunities or a higher quality of life.

That's a pretty big if. I take it from your appraisal of the situation that you've never had to deal with this, since you're trivializing it rather significantly. Have you ever had to move to even a different state? It's not simple. You have to reset your life, lose touch with your friends, grow accustomed to new places and new people, and find your way in an unfamiliar environment. Now extrapolate that to a new country with new customs and new people and new currency and new pretty much everything. Can you even keep the same bank if you do that? What happens to whatever investments you have? How about something simpler, like your phone service? Your internet service? Your car?

Look. I have a girlfriend who lives only an hour away, and we still understand that she needs to move to my city before the relationship progresses any further. To do that, she first needs to find a job up here (no easy task even with the interview places being in driving distance, and yet MUCH easier than doing it in another country). After that, she needs to leave her family and friends behind, since an hour drive is too far to casually meet up with them anytime she feels like it. It's going to be a drastic change, and that's just from one county over.

And you think moving to another country for the sake of "love" is just something you can explain away with "All you need to do is..."? Really?

[NorthernFallout]

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

That's a pretty big if. I take it from your appraisal of the situation that you've never had to deal with this, since you're trivializing it rather significantly. Have you ever had to move to even a different state? It's not simple. You have to reset your life, lose touch with your friends, grow accustomed to new places and new people, and find your way in an unfamiliar environment. Now extrapolate that to a new country with new customs and new people and new currency and new pretty much everything. Can you even keep the same bank if you do that? What happens to whatever investments you have? How about something simpler, like your phone service? Your internet service? Your car?

All very true things, and I personally don't think everyone can do it. It's an extremely hard thing to do. It will require time and strength. There will be hard times.

But what does it achieve? Indeed, you could crash and burn and you will spend an absurd amount of time sorting it all out. However, I'd argue it also evolves you as a person. It gives you experience you wouldn't otherwise have if you hadn't taken the step, that you can later use in life. And that's not even counting if it all works out with the relationship. It's easy for me to say as my gf is almost certain to move to me, but if the roles were reverse I could still do it because I want to "live life", to put it in a cliche way. Not to be bound down in the ways that I've always been. "Take the chance."

But it's really down on an individual level, and I hope it works out for your friend. There is no definite answer to this whole thing. The only answer can only be found out once the deed is done.

[warita]

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

That's a pretty big if. I take it from your appraisal of the situation that you've never had to deal with this, since you're trivializing it rather significantly.

I love the way you make asumptions about me.

And you are wrong, I am in a long distance relationship and we will eventually move together and either he or I will leave the family and friends behind. But thats what telephone, emails and airplane ticket are for.

I have moved before big time, I dont live in my country of origin. Its not a big deal for me, because you can always find new friends and always get a new cellphone contract, etc. The question is, whether you want to do this for the person you love?

So your gf seems to be the one to do this for you, since obviously you dont want to change your life for her. And thats your choice, dont get me wrong, so as long as she is fine with it, than there is nothing more to say to it.

But the way you post here sounds like you are talking for everybody, which you are not. Different people see things differently.

[Gamer_2k4]

Originally Posted by warita

So your gf seems to be the one to do this for you, since obviously you dont want to change your life for her. And thats your choice, dont get me wrong, so as long as she is fine with it, than there is nothing more to say to it.

It's not so much that I don't want to as it is that both of us agree it would be exceedingly foolish to do so. I have a job with a great salary and great benefits 15 minutes from my house. She has a near minimum wage job and is actively looking for real employment after just graduating college. It's only natural for her to seek jobs where I live, since the alternative is for me to increase my commute time by two hours a day or quit my current job in order to get work where she lives. Also, I live on my own. She has yet to move out from her parents' house. When she does, she'll need a new place to live. Why not look for somewhere near me?

We're doing what's best for both of us - what's best for the relationship. It's not about one person or the other changing their life because the other won't. It's about doing what's best for the couple.

[warita]

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

We're doing what's best for both of us - what's best for the relationship. It's not about one person or the other changing their life because the other won't. It's about doing what's best for the couple.

In that case it is only logical she moves to you than the other way around. Good luck with your relationship!!

[Crimrui]

For crying out loud, even simple relationships where people are next door break-up because they get bored or just don't feel the love anymore. For those who are truly willing to cross it, no bridge is high enough. Or so they say, some are just unbeatable for sure.

AtomicoX I thank you in his stead for nice wishes and warita good luck to your relationship too. ^^