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NorthernFallout · 2012-08-17, 18:17

I was trying to figure out in my head what I felt was "off" with what you've been saying. Paradoxine's post made it materialize: You remind me somewhat of myself.

The longing, the planning, etc. Those emotions you speak of. Nothing of this is a problem in itself, nor wrong; if anything I would say it's a good thing that you know what you want. The problem might become one of self-revelation, which is what happened to me. You say yourself you have no experience with relationships but are dead-set on what you want. I did quite the same thing and crashed and burned because of it as I came to realize it wasn't what I wanted, as I had lied to myself during the entire thing just to fulfill wishes brought on by situations such as these. Call it emotional immaturity if you will. I think it's quite common in stages such as these.

Then again, I learned and grew from it. It was also highly personal (as these things are) so hopefully you aren't like me. All we're saying is, be careful and, perhaps, let it come when it comes. You might be dwelling a tad too much on it.

DonQuigleone · 2012-08-17, 18:31

A girlfriend is just a more intense form of a normal friend. Do we plan and make intricate strategies regarding making normal friends?

Why should we do any differently with girlfriends?

Paradoxine · 2012-08-17, 19:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

A girlfriend is just a more intense form of a normal friend. Do we plan and make intricate strategies regarding making normal friends?

Why should we do any differently with girlfriends?

Quote:

Originally Posted by csuree

yeah i could say i think a bit differently from most other guys out there.....

and yeah i even said it myself that i think too much.. i should rely more on my instincts, but what can i say ...its not that i can dump all this knowledge in an instant. many times i wondered if i had only an IQ of 100 wouldn't i be happier.....

i do not see a problem with planning ahead a bit do you???

to why i want a partner the answer is simple: the life i am leading now is not fulfilling.... i want o experience true emotional happiness not just a fleeting imitation of it that i experienced until now. i'm not after p_ssies or any carnal desires fulfilled.... though that comes with a relationship so it is an added bonus. but as i said it my emotional life is like a wreck now...thinking back i smile and i laugh at times but those are just momentary. and as i walk out the door of the factory heading home i wish i had someone who would say some kind words to me....so cheer me up a bit, to have a decent conversation.... to not come home and sit alone in an apartment.....only looking at the walls or out the window.....

and you might be right after being a 24 year old with no relationship experience at all i might pursue any girl who gives a tiny damn about me.....you really do not feel that craving for someone to be there near you to cuddle up to someone.. and stuff that usually couples do????....

i never experienced those, so i am like someone who eats all he can but never feel full enough.

Right now at this moment i know i sound desperate... but the reality is that i AM desperate right now. my brother came home some time ago again with a girl.....and this makes me feel so miserable inside that my heart feels like it squeezes so much that it is shattering.

what can i do .... nothing.. i take to heart every little thing in my life.....

this is it....that was the answer to your question.... now .... i go to do some stargazing to take mi mind off this issue.. so i could have another fleeting moment of happiness.

The word 'strategies' made me smile

Yeah when put into word's its easier to see how someone else or indeed ourselves are functioning 'really'. Look I'm not saying that everyone in a relationship doesn't strategize whatsoever and just floats about aimlessly until a relationship just happens upon them by sheer act of divine will, that's clearly not true. To some extent it's impossible to not plan out to some degree what you want and how to get it, but when you obsess, ultimately it will hinder rather than improve your chances of a relationship.

This next bit is partly due to NorthenFallout's post, but here it is: You talk about not being 'fulfilled' and say "i wish i had someone who would say some kind words to me....so cheer me up a bit, to have a decent conversation.... to not come home and sit alone in an apartment.....only looking at the walls or out the window....."

While it is true in some cases that a partner could make you feel more fulfilled and 'happy'(whatever that means), it's certainly not true all the time. You've mentioned before that you would try your best to choose the right partner, which is great. My issue with what I understand is this: You're not particularly happy right now, in fact I'd go as far as to say you sound unhappy. You also seem to imply that a partner will change all of this. This is the start of the problem.

A partner should be just a bonus, a luxury if you will. I've realised I could write two pages on this at this point, so I'm going to try to make this short. You have hobbies, right? Activities other than work (and anime, that doesn't count in this forum

) which you genuinely enjoy. I'd even suggest that it would be better to nigh on obsess on a few hobbies rather than have none. You don't ever want to have your happiness or self-worth dependent on a single person. Taking me for example, I pursue hobbies including electronics(I hope to get a bachelor's in electrical engineering), technology, science and of course, anime.

Believe me when I say it's far easier to find a partner when you're happy enough to function without them rather than finding a partner in order to become happy. I don't think you're at this level, but there are many people I've talked to who are stuck in this situation:

1. Unhappy person need's (according to them) partner to become happy
2. Many Potential partner's want to find already happy partner(can you blame them?) -> Go back to step one.

I'll stop here because while I could write more, I don't think It would make any real difference. I wish you the best of luck, of course and I'll continue to follow this thread but I think you honestly need to work on yourself and your lifestyle first. It's what I plan to do and maybe, one day, I'll find a partner. Or maybe not. But it shouldn't be my one hope that motivates me.

Of course, I could be wrong about all of this, seeing as there's no objectivity to what I'm saying and worse yet I know very little about you(what I'm saying might even be offensive for which I apologise). I simply retain the naive hope that I could help a fellow guy out over the internet. Just think about what I said though, you may come up with a better way of achieving what you want.

csuree · 2012-08-17, 19:28

huh i came back from stargazing... actually i gazed more at the ground walking around with hung head.....i forgot that it is friday....when the whole youth in town are at the clubs.....encountering it just made my day(night) worse....

hehe.. the problem itself is me.....i suck at making friends...

ever since high school ended i did not have friends to hang out with, i started working.. i went with the colleagues to party a few times but as i switched jobs, nothing lasting.. only occasional friends....

i am a truly lonely person......

the real issue is can't even make friends let alone get a girl.....

anyway i don't feel good now i think i get some sleep hten see what the new day does not bring me.

EDIT: 03:36 GMT+2

heh electrical engineering.....i hate to break it to you i finished my bachelors degree in it......and actually i will say it to you......I HATE IT......I really f*cking hate it......and now you will laugh: i finished as number 3, on the entire year, with scholarship......

Who the f*ck finishes a college he hates as number 3.????? there is something wrong with me somewhere....

and i do not have any hobbies that i can say are sustainable.. i had but due to accident i had to drop sports like forever....

Yolks · 2012-08-17, 22:24

csuree, it sounds like you don't have any ambition in life. You sound like you've confined your world to the apartment wall. You probably feel like a fish in an aquarium, watching the world moving along beyond your plexiglass walls. Paradoxine is right, you need to fulfill your own life. You sound as if your life is devoted to finding someone else to share it with when it should really be about enjoying your own life.

You should find a hobby or better yet, an obsession. Do things you wouldn't normally do. Take a drive (or bike) out into the hills and watch the sunset and wait for the city night. Take a day off to sit outside a coffee shop and enjoy watching people passby. Go to an anime convention. Go to a club just to dance. Go to a bangin' concert (i suggest daft punk if they go on tour) to dance again. Life has a lot to offer you just need to go out of your way to get to it. And Paradoxine is right (again), people are attracted to happy people. I find that the most attractive feature about a person is an honest smile. The kind where you can tell that they enjoy whatever they do. And you need to do things that leaves you grinning all the more.

And if this all sounds preachy or stupid, I don't mean to be. I'm only blunt because it's depressing knowing a fellow anime lover isn't enjoying life and its splendors.

Oh and csuree? I saw your pictures. Even from the standpoint of a guy, you've got looks. I wouldn't put you on a cereal box or anything but I'm sure girls have taken some time out of their day to look over. Relax a bit and you might even look kamina kool.

csuree · 2012-08-18, 02:19

yeah you are right my ambition in life was shattered some time ago and i went on a wrong track (this was also because of lack of financial resources).

now being 24 starting a new college, that i like is problematic....another 4 years to finish it....i'll be 28-29 and..... look i did not achieve anything....
staying on the electrical engineering field will get me nowhere because no one excels in something they hate....so i will not and i don't want to involve myself to a promotion or something cause given the financial situation here, i would be forced to staying the field , and not advance, or change to something better and thinking that you will work years of your life in somthing you hate does not give you a sense of accomplishment..

about going out... i would really love to, but some things on your list require money(almost every one), and i as an engineer i work for 250-280$/month of which i have to pay a loan, i have to buy food, i help my parents, and i like remain with nothing extra.....maybe i can save up with a greater effort, some money.. to go out 2-3 times a month somewhere but i would be very limited in terms of consumption and spending..

i want to break free from these "chains" but as i "force" myself something happens, and makes me stay....for instance this sunday my brother suffered an accident with the car, he did not get injured but the car had to be taken to the service and now more than half of my salary(in terms of price) goes to the repairs.....good thing we made insurance on it, else we would be paying 1-2000$ dollars for the repair, so i am kinda lucky on this aspect...

wow.. it is the end of august....and like in the 10 years behind me, i did not do anything special, and happy. i worked through this summer too....

i'll see what i can do about your suggestion....for the new obsessions. as soon as this harder time goes by i hope nothing will happen so i can get on my feet again,

yeah i should enjoy life as much as i can..... maybe today i will go to the ridge near the town o see if my wallet permits to go to a club and drink 1-2 beers

Knightrunner · 2012-08-18, 03:59

Csuree,

What are your future date plans and activities once you get a date? If you can't think of any then it's a good chance to build up on that. I always like to think about what may happen and the plans.

csuree · 2012-08-18, 12:15

my future date plans will model themselves after the partner....of course i will not take a girl who likes museums to an auto show.....mostly i will improvise, to keep the suspense in the relationship.....most girls like guys who can surprise them.....

and partly because when i plan out something 99% chance is that the plan fails....so i remain at the old habit of acting on the moments spur.

i would also say that general outlines are set...but i did not plan out everything to the smallest details.

and my general idea....i get to know the girl(1-2-3 weeks, depending on how often we are meeting) ....going to dates, becoming a couple(~2 weeks)......after 1.5-2 months into the relationship if thing go that way, sexual intercourse, but the girl will decide it mostly, in this matter i just wanna go with the flow, but if there is no action for a long time then i will bluntly ask the reason...so in short if i get to meet a girl today, at the end of september we would become a couple and by the time new year has come or on new years' eve, to have sex with her.
i never said that i want only a platonic relationship, but i think we should not hurry with sex, because that is like a turning point. until then we can remain friends if we break up, but after it, i think it would be akward.

this i thin said it to you that my intentions are not dirty, when i want to hook up with a girl.....anyhow if i resisted not having sex from puberty until now....i certainly will resist another few months.

hope this gave you an idea of my mentality and thinking.

anyway almost forgot, thanks for the advice, i will try to do my best.

Ledgem · 2012-08-18, 22:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paradoxine

While it is true in some cases that a partner could make you feel more fulfilled and 'happy'(whatever that means), it's certainly not true all the time. You've mentioned before that you would try your best to choose the right partner, which is great. My issue with what I understand is this: You're not particularly happy right now, in fact I'd go as far as to say you sound unhappy. You also seem to imply that a partner will change all of this. This is the start of the problem.

I agree.

After she divorced from my father, my mother gave me this advice about relationships: in order for a relationship to be successful, you first need to be able to stand on your own. If you enter into a relationship with major unresolved issues, or if you lean on the relationship too heavily to patch up problems that you had in your life, it will put a lot of strain on the relationship. It also makes you vulnerable to bad judgment, such as committing to someone who truly isn't right for you.

Ideally a relationship is something that both members can draw strength from. However, first the relationship needs to be built up. By way of analogy, you can think of a relationship as being a child. It's fine for a parent to lean on their child for support after the child has matured and grown up, but what parent leans on their infant child for support?

Find happiness with your own life, and settle your issues. Entering a relationship and adding a partner to your life should ideally be something done to further your happiness and life ambitions, not to cultivate happiness in the first place.

There's a practical reason behind that advice, too. In my experience, people recognize unhappiness and they try to avoid it. Conversely, if you are truly happy, people will be drawn to you.

Ultimately there is no blueprint or map for success on this topic. It is even harder for people like us, who do not share the same interests and activities as almost everyone else seems to. Do what you think is right, but keep our advice in mind. And don't worry too much about planning. One of my favorite sayings is something along the lines of, "Man plans, and God laughs" - the point being that life is completely unpredictable. Don't set age- or date-related goals when it comes to relationships. Live each day to the fullest that you can, and should an opportunity come your way, seize it. There's not much more control over the situation than that, and trying to come up with plans will likely just make you frustrated.

I might also suggest (along with others) that you not dwell too much on it. As someone who loves to dwell on things, I can tell you for a fact that dwelling on things can feel good in its own way; it can feel and be productive, too. But dwelling on something generally prevents you from taking action and making any real changes.

Hang in there.

Tigress · 2012-08-19, 09:28

Paradoxine and Ledgem make some very good points.

I do not mean this in a bad way at all csuree but when you asked the girls in this thread for pictures I got a little worried. I dont put my face online so it wasnt solely for that reason that I avoided it. Even my Facebake is an anime character and a fake name. I felt that you were maybe seeking something online? I am not sure but from subsequent posts it looks like you have been trying that avenue. I would say what the others are saying. Fill your life with things you enjoy and meet people. If that means going to events where like minded people meet do it but dont go specifically looking to find a girlfriend. Look after yourself first. The rest will come.

I am not desperately looking for love because i think I have plenty of time. I see girls and guys my age getting married and sometimes it makes me think but its their decision and if they are ready at 22-24 years old and they met the one then thats okay. I am not. I think when I am in my mid 30s I will want to settle down and have children and do normal family stuff. If it happens before then that is fine too but I think the pressures on women is unrealistic. Many celeb women are waiting until their 30s and I admire that. I am far to immature as I am. I want a career a life and a little security and most importantly I want to find the right person to share it all with and that will happen when the time is right.

Ledgem · 2012-08-19, 12:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tigress

I felt that you were maybe seeking something online? I am not sure but from subsequent posts it looks like you have been trying that avenue.

I think he was referring to online dating sites, and not an online relationship. Online dating sites take some of the guesswork out of finding relationships, since anyone listed is going to be single (well, usually) and looking for a romantic relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tigress

Fill your life with things you enjoy and meet people. If that means going to events where like minded people meet do it but dont go specifically looking to find a girlfriend. Look after yourself first. The rest will come.

Things work out differently for everyone, but that's how it worked out for me. I decided that I wouldn't date for a few months, and then a few weeks later I met the woman who is now my wife. You can't plan for these things; all you can do is get your own life in order, and seize opportunities that come your way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tigress

I think when I am in my mid 30s I will want to settle down and have children and do normal family stuff. If it happens before then that is fine too but I think the pressures on women is unrealistic.

The problem for women is the whole "biological clock" issue. From a medical standpoint, once a woman hits age 32 (according to current statistics) the risk of birth defects and birth complications begins to rise quickly with each passing year. That, perhaps combined with a desire to be "young and energetic" for their children (or just a desire to allow their grandparents/parents to enjoy great-grand children/grandchildren) leads to women feeling pressured to have children while they're still in their 20's.

Tigress · 2012-08-19, 13:18

I dont agree. Both of my grandmothers were in their 30's when they got married and that was in times where healthcare was a lot worse than today. One is still with us and she is 79. I am 22. My parents married in there 20's so is their late 40's and early 50's. I think it is an old notion that needs to die fast. Medical reports say if we eat certain foods we will die younger or live longer. I dont pay attention to that. One grandmother went on to have 6 children the other had 4 and there was nothing wrong with any of those children. Children are so expensive nowadays that I wouldn't want more than two personally anyway. I wont be going around crying about a biological clock. I know my grandmother would long to see me happy with a man who will love me as much as I love him more than her desire to see great grandchildren. I am not in any hurry at least not now.

DonQuigleone · 2012-08-19, 13:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tigress

I dont agree. Both of my grandmothers were in their 30's when they got married and that was in times where healthcare was a lot worse than today. One is still with us and she is 79. I am 22. My parents married in there 20's so is their late 40's and early 50's. I think it is an old notion that needs to die fast. Medical reports say if we eat certain foods we will die younger or live longer. I dont pay attention to that. One grandmother went on to have 6 children the other had 4 and there was nothing wrong with any of those children. Children are so expensive nowadays that I wouldn't want more than two personally anyway. I wont be going around crying about a biological clock. I know my grandmother would long to see me happy with a man who will love more than her desire to see great grandchildren.

Disagree, If you wait until 30 that means that you only really have 10, maybe 15 years of reproductive life, and not only that but your fertility is going to be decreasing. It's cutting it very close.

For instance, if you're 30 year old woman and still single, it would be quite easy to panic, as you could easily have 3 or 4 years of dating ahead of you, and you don't want to be pushed into marriage with a guy that you don't like. Furthermore, the older you get, the harder it is physically to look after a kid. If you're 40, you don't have the energy you have at 25. So if you're 45 and your kid is 10, you won't be able to run around and have fun with him/her because simply put you'll get tired more easily.

Furthermore, as a woman gets older, dating gets harder. At 20, men are often falling over themselves to ask them out. At 30, they often get ignored in favour of younger women. By 30, most of the "good men" are already married off, so it becomes progressively harder to find good marriage material. The men left over in her age bracket are usually the playboys, the socially incompetent, the bums and the widows, who are undesirable each in their own way.

For men, it's the opposite, it becomes easier and easier to date as you get older (while it's really hard when you're young), and men don't have an age limit on their fertility either. Old women are compared to old crones, older men look wise and distinguished (Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan...)

Tigress · 2012-08-19, 15:01

Wow I didn't know I had only 8 years of life left before I am old haggard and decrepid and undesirable old crone. An anime forum has fixed my view on life. Oh dear must go get married to the first boy that shows interest as I finish my education.

I have no money, a job that pays peanuts and doesnt cover my college expenses and I am not ready for children. There is no chance that I am going to spend my life with someone I don't care about because of an imaginery biological clock. Only men would say stuff like that. I am not posting in this chauvenistic thread anymore. Thanks for making me see sense.

csuree · 2012-08-19, 16:32

hahaha... i wrote a long poetic farewell letter and my submission ...ahh forget it......

i am now writing it again....damn this

so as i wanted to say i was indeed referring to dating sites.....but no luck....i clicked until now for 1500 girls in my town and only 3 replied back months ago.. i tried to go on a date but 2 turned me down immediately, the other one set the date and place to meet, but came 2 hours later, i waited for her 1 hour, during which i called her, she said she is getting ready, when the hour passed i called her again and she said she is now leaving from the other side of town which means another hour wait. i put down the phone and went home....
after i got home and went to bed, she called me 2 hours and 40 minutes after the time we set to meet up, that where am i right now.....
you can imagine how angry i was....but i contained myself, and calmly said that i went home as tomorrow i have to go to work and because i have to get up early.

after this i went like... girls are cruel....let them be .....at the time i said this i can say that there were a total of over 10 dates where i was stood up.....you can feel me right....

so back to the main topic......
i have no determination, i do not know how to get one....
i listened to all your advice but that was it.... i never done anything.....am i lazy or afraid.. i don't know.... the only thing i know now is regret.....immense regret for my f_cked up life.
i regret being smart, i regret not fighting in school when i had to fight, regret for being this weak, for immersing myself in my own little fantasy world, where i play need for speed, i watch anime, i read manga, and play VN's all day.....actually this is how my days off go by......

am i pathetic? am i a liar? am i a coward, good for nothing person?.....yes.....
do i deserve to be happy?......NOOO....

because i am not doing anything to be happier, i just sit and wait for a miracle.....
but this is not an anime where the MC gets joined by a gorgeous heroine and the live happily ever......<ohh f_ck that sh!t>
sorry for being so profane but i think i am on the verge of losing it this time,
i even said i was a nice guy......
who am i kidding?
i just come here to complain seeking to ease my pain, but the cause of that pain is me.....my ugly, no-good self that was built from the misery i accumulated over the years....
no one will save me, no miracle will happen.... where am i living......WHY am i living?
no purpose, no ambition,

sorry...this is a more serious issue than dating....this ....i don't have words for it. sorry again.

Ledgem · 2012-08-19, 19:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tigress

I dont agree. Both of my grandmothers were in their 30's when they got married and that was in times where healthcare was a lot worse than today. One is still with us and she is 79. I am 22. My parents married in there 20's so is their late 40's and early 50's. I think it is an old notion that needs to die fast. Medical reports say if we eat certain foods we will die younger or live longer. I dont pay attention to that.

There's nothing to argue here: statistically speaking, older women tend to have more children with developmental errors and childbirth problems than do younger women. That your grandmothers had children later and without complications may indicate that your genetics will be "hardier" when it comes to having children at an older age, but it could also mean that they were just very lucky. In either case, it doesn't mean that the statistics should be dismissed so readily.

I don't bring that up to challenge your notions of love or your life plans. Take your time, find the right person, and have children when you are ready. I only bring it up because I'm greatly saddened by the thought that you would think that you had unlimited time to have a child, waiting until you were in your late 30's or 40's, and then that you would suffer a child with severe developmental problems. Be aware of the risks, and make informed decisions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by csuree

so as i wanted to say i was indeed referring to dating sites.....but no luck....i clicked until now for 1500 girls in my town and only 3 replied back months ago..

There are a few challenging things about dating sites. Many accounts are fake (at least on American sites); some accounts belong to women who are already in a relationship, but who did not alter their account to reflect this; and women members receive many requests from men, and can afford to be choosy. (My sister used a dating website for about two months, which is where my insight comes from.) In other words, don't feel bad about not receiving responses - it doesn't necessarily mean anything about you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by csuree

i just come here to complain seeking to ease my pain, but the cause of that pain is me.....my ugly, no-good self that was built from the misery i accumulated over the years....
no one will save me, no miracle will happen.... where am i living......WHY am i living?
no purpose, no ambition,

There's nothing wrong with coming here to complain and seek support to ease your pain, but you certainly have some things to work through. You're here, you're alive, so make the most of it. Nobody deserves to be happy; happiness, as was mentioned before, is a state of mind. Everyone wants to be happy, but ultimately we're the ones who make ourselves happy or miserable. Think things through, and do what you need to do in order to improve your life. In the event that you can't do anything to improve your current situation, take heart in knowing that each phase of life is temporary (for better or for worse). Maybe this phase isn't a good one for you. That's too bad, but it will pass.

DonQuigleone · 2012-08-21, 09:32

Japan’s love affair with pornography killing “real sex” drive

Quote:

I had a hunch. Then, I did a search “pornography sexual drive.” Up came articles about how pornography is killing the sex drive of American men. An article in New York Magazine told stories of men who were having dates with porn stars on the internet while becoming less able to perform with the real women in their lives. The poor female partners of these men were trying their best to imitate these porn stars, but the men were only “freaked out” by their best efforts.

Hmm…porn-saturated Japan has a notoriously low-level of sexual activity, even among married couples. And in recent years young people are also losing interest in sex. This is a country where pornography is everywhere and available to children. Could there be a connection?

Thoughts?

Dextro · 2012-08-21, 10:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

Japan’s love affair with pornography killing “real sex” drive

Thoughts?

I saw a documentary about that in, I think, NHK and I have to admit to being a bit bewildered by the concept. I think they called them "Sexless".

It's scary to think that some people get their expectations so amazingly high due to pornography that they just give up looking for real sex. You could even make the parallel to some Otaku's and their fixation with 2D "Waifus" in detriment of the real thing.

I used to think that it was just escapism, people giving up because it was just too hard to try and get a real relationship but maybe it's crossing into the realm of a real psychological issue, a disease even.

I'm also not surprised to see this happen in Japan not because of the amount of Porn available, that's just a symptom, but due to the their society values and the pressure they place on people to conform and follow the norms. The more you push people into strict rules the more they'll look for ways out. Funny how the human mind works hum?

DonQuigleone · 2012-08-21, 10:24

Well, as a red blooded male, I think the existence of ready supply of pornography (and other erotica, hentai etc.) takes the edge off of one's lusty instincts. So that motivating factor for seeking out women simply isn't there. If porn satisfies your needs on a day to day basis, you don't need to go through all the work of dating women, and even if you do finally secure a date, sex with a woman is more complex then sex with yourself, and may at first be less gratifying due to the lack of familiarity.

I would also argue that, at least in Japan, romantic anime/manga/galgames also serve as a substitute for relationships, in a similar way to porn substituting for sex. Throw them into a "real" relationship, and suddenly they may not have to deal with emotionally satisfying both their partner and themselves.

I don't think Japan is unique here, just that maybe they're a bit further along.

It's a bit ironic though, maybe porn is the best prevention for teenage sex?

MakubeX2 · 2012-08-21, 10:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I would also argue that, at least in Japan, romantic anime/manga/galgames also serve as a substitute for relationships, in a similar way to porn substituting for sex. Throw them into a "real" relationship, and suddenly they may not have to deal with emotionally satisfying both their partner and themselves.

I don't think Japan is unique here, just that maybe they're a bit further along.

The failure for young people to get engaged and reproduce is not a problem unique to Japan, it seems. Singapore has something similar. Taiwan too.

Those 2 Asian nations I've cited does not have much in common with Japan pop culture wise. So that throws your argument out of your window. What we need to find out is what is the common factor between those 3 that prevents the fertile part of the population from engaging each other ? I'll share what I know here regarding the common factor between those 3 countries are the high population density, high literacy rate and high demands that drives their young to succeed or die. So basically, people tended to value money and career over relationship, a relationship without money will fail in their society given time.

PS :- With the high connectivity to the Net today driven by the advent of Smart Phones in recent year, easy porn access is not unique to Japan it seems. So we can forego that argument now.

2012-08-17, 18:17	Link #10661
NorthernFallout The Interstellar Medium Author Join Date: May 2008 Location: [SWE] Age: 34	I was trying to figure out in my head what I felt was "off" with what you've been saying. Paradoxine's post made it materialize: You remind me somewhat of myself. The longing, the planning, etc. Those emotions you speak of. Nothing of this is a problem in itself, nor wrong; if anything I would say it's a good thing that you know what you want. The problem might become one of self-revelation, which is what happened to me. You say yourself you have no experience with relationships but are dead-set on what you want. I did quite the same thing and crashed and burned because of it as I came to realize it wasn't what I wanted, as I had lied to myself during the entire thing just to fulfill wishes brought on by situations such as these. Call it emotional immaturity if you will. I think it's quite common in stages such as these. Then again, I learned and grew from it. It was also highly personal (as these things are) so hopefully you aren't like me. All we're saying is, be careful and, perhaps, let it come when it comes. You might be dwelling a tad too much on it. __________________

2012-08-17, 19:28	Link #10664
csuree The Most Hated™ Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: A random coordinate on the space-time continuum Age: 36	huh i came back from stargazing... actually i gazed more at the ground walking around with hung head.....i forgot that it is friday....when the whole youth in town are at the clubs.....encountering it just made my day(night) worse.... hehe.. the problem itself is me.....i suck at making friends... ever since high school ended i did not have friends to hang out with, i started working.. i went with the colleagues to party a few times but as i switched jobs, nothing lasting.. only occasional friends.... i am a truly lonely person...... the real issue is can't even make friends let alone get a girl..... anyway i don't feel good now i think i get some sleep hten see what the new day does not bring me. EDIT: 03:36 GMT+2 heh electrical engineering.....i hate to break it to you i finished my bachelors degree in it......and actually i will say it to you......I HATE IT......I really fcking hate it......and now you will laugh: i finished as number 3, on the entire year, with scholarship...... Who the fck finishes a college he hates as number 3.????? there is something wrong with me somewhere.... and i do not have any hobbies that i can say are sustainable.. i had but due to accident i had to drop sports like forever.... __________________ Go for your dreams, never give up.Because when you give up your dreams, you die!

2012-08-18, 02:19	Link #10666
csuree The Most Hated™ Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: A random coordinate on the space-time continuum Age: 36	yeah you are right my ambition in life was shattered some time ago and i went on a wrong track (this was also because of lack of financial resources). now being 24 starting a new college, that i like is problematic....another 4 years to finish it....i'll be 28-29 and..... look i did not achieve anything.... staying on the electrical engineering field will get me nowhere because no one excels in something they hate....so i will not and i don't want to involve myself to a promotion or something cause given the financial situation here, i would be forced to staying the field , and not advance, or change to something better and thinking that you will work years of your life in somthing you hate does not give you a sense of accomplishment.. about going out... i would really love to, but some things on your list require money(almost every one), and i as an engineer i work for 250-280$/month of which i have to pay a loan, i have to buy food, i help my parents, and i like remain with nothing extra.....maybe i can save up with a greater effort, some money.. to go out 2-3 times a month somewhere but i would be very limited in terms of consumption and spending.. i want to break free from these "chains" but as i "force" myself something happens, and makes me stay....for instance this sunday my brother suffered an accident with the car, he did not get injured but the car had to be taken to the service and now more than half of my salary(in terms of price) goes to the repairs.....good thing we made insurance on it, else we would be paying 1-2000$ dollars for the repair, so i am kinda lucky on this aspect... wow.. it is the end of august....and like in the 10 years behind me, i did not do anything special, and happy. i worked through this summer too.... i'll see what i can do about your suggestion....for the new obsessions. as soon as this harder time goes by i hope nothing will happen so i can get on my feet again, yeah i should enjoy life as much as i can..... maybe today i will go to the ridge near the town o see if my wallet permits to go to a club and drink 1-2 beers __________________ Go for your dreams, never give up.Because when you give up your dreams, you die!

2012-08-18, 03:59	Link #10667
Knightrunner Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: United States--- California	Csuree, What are your future date plans and activities once you get a date? If you can't think of any then it's a good chance to build up on that. I always like to think about what may happen and the plans. __________________ Credit to grylsygaeger

2012-08-18, 12:15	Link #10668
csuree The Most Hated™ Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: A random coordinate on the space-time continuum Age: 36	my future date plans will model themselves after the partner....of course i will not take a girl who likes museums to an auto show.....mostly i will improvise, to keep the suspense in the relationship.....most girls like guys who can surprise them..... and partly because when i plan out something 99% chance is that the plan fails....so i remain at the old habit of acting on the moments spur. i would also say that general outlines are set...but i did not plan out everything to the smallest details. and my general idea....i get to know the girl(1-2-3 weeks, depending on how often we are meeting) ....going to dates, becoming a couple(~2 weeks)......after 1.5-2 months into the relationship if thing go that way, sexual intercourse, but the girl will decide it mostly, in this matter i just wanna go with the flow, but if there is no action for a long time then i will bluntly ask the reason...so in short if i get to meet a girl today, at the end of september we would become a couple and by the time new year has come or on new years' eve, to have sex with her. i never said that i want only a platonic relationship, but i think we should not hurry with sex, because that is like a turning point. until then we can remain friends if we break up, but after it, i think it would be akward. this i thin said it to you that my intentions are not dirty, when i want to hook up with a girl.....anyhow if i resisted not having sex from puberty until now....i certainly will resist another few months. hope this gave you an idea of my mentality and thinking. anyway almost forgot, thanks for the advice, i will try to do my best. __________________ Go for your dreams, never give up.Because when you give up your dreams, you die!

2012-08-17, 18:31	Link #10662
DonQuigleone Knight Errant Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Dublin, Ireland Age: 35	A girlfriend is just a more intense form of a normal friend. Do we plan and make intricate strategies regarding making normal friends? Why should we do any differently with girlfriends?

2012-08-17, 22:24	Link #10665
Yolks Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2011	csuree, it sounds like you don't have any ambition in life. You sound like you've confined your world to the apartment wall. You probably feel like a fish in an aquarium, watching the world moving along beyond your plexiglass walls. Paradoxine is right, you need to fulfill your own life. You sound as if your life is devoted to finding someone else to share it with when it should really be about enjoying your own life. You should find a hobby or better yet, an obsession. Do things you wouldn't normally do. Take a drive (or bike) out into the hills and watch the sunset and wait for the city night. Take a day off to sit outside a coffee shop and enjoy watching people passby. Go to an anime convention. Go to a club just to dance. Go to a bangin' concert (i suggest daft punk if they go on tour) to dance again. Life has a lot to offer you just need to go out of your way to get to it. And Paradoxine is right (again), people are attracted to happy people. I find that the most attractive feature about a person is an honest smile. The kind where you can tell that they enjoy whatever they do. And you need to do things that leaves you grinning all the more. And if this all sounds preachy or stupid, I don't mean to be. I'm only blunt because it's depressing knowing a fellow anime lover isn't enjoying life and its splendors. Oh and csuree? I saw your pictures. Even from the standpoint of a guy, you've got looks. I wouldn't put you on a cereal box or anything but I'm sure girls have taken some time out of their day to look over. Relax a bit and you might even look kamina kool.

2012-08-19, 09:28	Link #10670
Tigress Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: The Abyss Age: 34	Paradoxine and Ledgem make some very good points. I do not mean this in a bad way at all csuree but when you asked the girls in this thread for pictures I got a little worried. I dont put my face online so it wasnt solely for that reason that I avoided it. Even my Facebake is an anime character and a fake name. I felt that you were maybe seeking something online? I am not sure but from subsequent posts it looks like you have been trying that avenue. I would say what the others are saying. Fill your life with things you enjoy and meet people. If that means going to events where like minded people meet do it but dont go specifically looking to find a girlfriend. Look after yourself first. The rest will come. I am not desperately looking for love because i think I have plenty of time. I see girls and guys my age getting married and sometimes it makes me think but its their decision and if they are ready at 22-24 years old and they met the one then thats okay. I am not. I think when I am in my mid 30s I will want to settle down and have children and do normal family stuff. If it happens before then that is fine too but I think the pressures on women is unrealistic. Many celeb women are waiting until their 30s and I admire that. I am far to immature as I am. I want a career a life and a little security and most importantly I want to find the right person to share it all with and that will happen when the time is right.

2012-08-19, 13:18	Link #10672
Tigress Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: The Abyss Age: 34	I dont agree. Both of my grandmothers were in their 30's when they got married and that was in times where healthcare was a lot worse than today. One is still with us and she is 79. I am 22. My parents married in there 20's so is their late 40's and early 50's. I think it is an old notion that needs to die fast. Medical reports say if we eat certain foods we will die younger or live longer. I dont pay attention to that. One grandmother went on to have 6 children the other had 4 and there was nothing wrong with any of those children. Children are so expensive nowadays that I wouldn't want more than two personally anyway. I wont be going around crying about a biological clock. I know my grandmother would long to see me happy with a man who will love me as much as I love him more than her desire to see great grandchildren. I am not in any hurry at least not now. Last edited by Tigress; 2012-08-19 at 13:33.

2012-08-19, 15:01	Link #10674
Tigress Member Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: The Abyss Age: 34	Wow I didn't know I had only 8 years of life left before I am old haggard and decrepid and undesirable old crone. An anime forum has fixed my view on life. Oh dear must go get married to the first boy that shows interest as I finish my education. I have no money, a job that pays peanuts and doesnt cover my college expenses and I am not ready for children. There is no chance that I am going to spend my life with someone I don't care about because of an imaginery biological clock. Only men would say stuff like that. I am not posting in this chauvenistic thread anymore. Thanks for making me see sense.

2012-08-19, 16:32	Link #10675
csuree The Most Hated™ Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: A random coordinate on the space-time continuum Age: 36	hahaha... i wrote a long poetic farewell letter and my submission ...ahh forget it...... i am now writing it again....damn this so as i wanted to say i was indeed referring to dating sites.....but no luck....i clicked until now for 1500 girls in my town and only 3 replied back months ago.. i tried to go on a date but 2 turned me down immediately, the other one set the date and place to meet, but came 2 hours later, i waited for her 1 hour, during which i called her, she said she is getting ready, when the hour passed i called her again and she said she is now leaving from the other side of town which means another hour wait. i put down the phone and went home.... after i got home and went to bed, she called me 2 hours and 40 minutes after the time we set to meet up, that where am i right now..... you can imagine how angry i was....but i contained myself, and calmly said that i went home as tomorrow i have to go to work and because i have to get up early. after this i went like... girls are cruel....let them be .....at the time i said this i can say that there were a total of over 10 dates where i was stood up.....you can feel me right.... so back to the main topic...... i have no determination, i do not know how to get one.... i listened to all your advice but that was it.... i never done anything.....am i lazy or afraid.. i don't know.... the only thing i know now is regret.....immense regret for my f_cked up life. i regret being smart, i regret not fighting in school when i had to fight, regret for being this weak, for immersing myself in my own little fantasy world, where i play need for speed, i watch anime, i read manga, and play VN's all day.....actually this is how my days off go by...... am i pathetic? am i a liar? am i a coward, good for nothing person?.....yes..... do i deserve to be happy?......NOOO.... because i am not doing anything to be happier, i just sit and wait for a miracle..... but this is not an anime where the MC gets joined by a gorgeous heroine and the live happily ever......<ohh f_ck that sh!t> sorry for being so profane but i think i am on the verge of losing it this time, i even said i was a nice guy...... who am i kidding? i just come here to complain seeking to ease my pain, but the cause of that pain is me.....my ugly, no-good self that was built from the misery i accumulated over the years.... no one will save me, no miracle will happen.... where am i living......WHY am i living? no purpose, no ambition, sorry...this is a more serious issue than dating....this ....i don't have words for it. sorry again. __________________ Go for your dreams, never give up.Because when you give up your dreams, you die! Last edited by csuree; 2012-08-19 at 16:54.

2012-08-21, 10:24	Link #10679
DonQuigleone Knight Errant Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Dublin, Ireland Age: 35	Well, as a red blooded male, I think the existence of ready supply of pornography (and other erotica, hentai etc.) takes the edge off of one's lusty instincts. So that motivating factor for seeking out women simply isn't there. If porn satisfies your needs on a day to day basis, you don't need to go through all the work of dating women, and even if you do finally secure a date, sex with a woman is more complex then sex with yourself, and may at first be less gratifying due to the lack of familiarity. I would also argue that, at least in Japan, romantic anime/manga/galgames also serve as a substitute for relationships, in a similar way to porn substituting for sex. Throw them into a "real" relationship, and suddenly they may not have to deal with emotionally satisfying both their partner and themselves. I don't think Japan is unique here, just that maybe they're a bit further along. It's a bit ironic though, maybe porn is the best prevention for teenage sex?