The Genderbending of Haruhi Suzumiya [Spoilers Aplenty]

[Discreet]

Edit of I forget the number blah blah. Changes in bold, notes bolded and underlined.

Spoiler:

"Let's start with a thousand hits!"

Haruki then proceeded to toss up a pile of baseballs and smash each one at the rest of the SOS brigade, who had been forced to stand in a line at the pitcher mound with only a mitt like a trio of prisoners to be executed by firing squad.

[D-note: I just want to make it clear that I checked the BT-translation, the previous parts from both our edits and only then did I finally manage to understand what the previous sentence meant.]

"Gaah!" Asahina-senpai immediately cried out, dropping to his knees and covering his head with his glove. Looking at his cowering form, I had no choice but to try and protect him. And each of Haruki's strikes had a killing instinct in them, so catching them became a matter of life-and-death. No matter what he does, he always goes all out.

[D-note: I know I already made a few edits on this part, but DAMN, Haruki is a jerkass. Unfortunately for Haruki, he doesn’t have the excuse of having a nice rack when he acts like a huge bastard so it’s a lot easier to hate him… I mean c’mon… hitting baseballs at them and making Kyonko desperately catch them? It sounds inhumane. And I’m not going to take the time to think of a better scene because I need to get back to editing the rest of this thing with the limited time I have.]

Itsuko was wearing her usual grin. "Hmm, I haven't played like this since I was little. Makes me feel so nostalgic..." She casually dodged Haruki's wild pitches, flashing me a perfect, snow white smile.

If you have so much energy, why don't help me protect Asahina-senpai!?

I turned to Nagato and saw him standing very still, facing Haruki. He just stood there, completely ignoring the balls flying in his direction, not moving even when the ball grazed past his ear by a few centimeters. Occasionally, he would slowly move his gloved left hand, like a remote-controlled robot, and catch the balls aimed directly at him, then slowly put his hand down again.

Um, Nagato-san? Maybe you ought to move around a bit more... or should I be complimenting you on your good eyes instead?

Or maybe I shouldn't be paying attention to other people, as a ball skipped past my glove and under my legs, and hit Asahina-senpai in the knees. Crap, that was careless of me.

"Oww!" Asahina-senpai the butler yelled, "It hurts......"

He started to sob. I can't just stand by and let this happen.

"I'll be counting on you two!" After saying that to Itsuko and Nagato, I shielded poor Asahina-senpai and brought him out of the line of fire.

Haruki's complaints sailed across the diamond. "Oi! Where're you two going? Kyon! Mitsuuru-kun! Get back here!"

"He needs medical treatment!"

“The hell?! Those are softballs! How do you expect him to turn into a manly man if you're always babying him!?”

He has a point, but Asahina-senpai does seem to be in real pain. I raised my hand in farewell and ignored Haruki's protests.

“Hey, I'm not done yet! Bring him back here! It’s all a part of the secret formula to winning, which is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill, fifteen percent concentrated power of will, five percent pleasure, and fifty percent pain! Did you hear that? FIFTY PERCENT PAIN!”

[D-note: Oh, I lol’d.]

Pretending I didn't hear Haruki's strange outbursts, I brought Asahina-senpai to the nurse's office.



-----



Asahina-senpai covered his eyes with his hands, rubbing off his tears as he walked shoulder to shoulder with me on the corridor. It was only then that he realized that he was leaning on me.

"Waaaagh!" He shrieked in shock, and leapt away while looking at me with slightly reddened cheeks.

"Kyon-nee-chan, you can't,” he said. “If you get too close to me... It'll happen again..."

[D-note: Shit, I hate that “nee-chan”. I mean isn’t it weird for Kyonko to say “Asahina-sempai” and Asahina say “Kyonko-nee-chan”? I’m no Japanese expert, but isn’t there supposed to be a level of hierarchy in these honorifics?]

He's said something like this before, but I have no idea what he's talking about.

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Asahina-senpai, you can go home now. I'll tell Haruki that the injury on your leg will take a couple days to heal."

"But... there's no way he's going to believe that..."

I shook my hand. "Don't worry. It’s his fault anyways."

Asahina-senpai lowered his head and glanced at me, his eyes still teary. Aggh, is he really a high school student? He’s too cute...

"Thanks, Kyon-nee-chan." After Asahina-senpai gave me a smile so adorable I practically died, he turned his back to me as though feeling ashamed, and walked away.



------



When I returned to the field, the batting practice was still in progress. What surprised me was that the members of the Softball Team were now in defense, while Itsuko and Nagato watched outside the field.

When Itsuko saw me, she smiled happily. "Oh, you've returned?"

"What's he up to now?" I asked.

"As you can see, it seems he wasn't satisfied with our performance. He's been like that since you left."

He was simply incredible. Every ball he hit flew to the direction that he had intended.

The three of us had nothing to do apart from observing Haruki's astounding swing. Eventually, that mentally insane idiot finally put down his bat and wiped his sweat while looking as satisfied as a Cheshire cat.

"He's really amazing. He actually managed to get a thousand hits." said Itsuko cheerfully.

"What's really amazing is that you actually bothered to count."

"......" Nagato turned away silently. I decided to follow suit.

"Um, hey," I suggested to the willowy student in front of me. "Could you make it rain on the day of the match? A big storm, one that would force the match to be canceled..."

"It is not impossible." Nagato answered plainly, while continuing to walk, "But it is not recommended."

"Why's that?"

"Partial data alteration of the environment would result in side-effects in the planet's ecosystem."

"Side-effects? For how long?"

"A few centuries to ten thousand years."

Now that's a long time. "Then it's better not to do it, right?"

"Indeed." Nagato nodded his head forward about five centimeters, then continued to walk forward without stopping.

I turned around and saw Haruki standing on the pitcher's mound, preparing to pitch.



------



Two days later. Sunday. 8.00 A.M. Sharp. (Be there, or it's the death penalty!)

We were gathered at the Municipal Sports Center, where there were two baseball fields adjacent to the athletic track field. The tournament would be a series of five-inning games, and would take two weeks to complete. The semi-finalists were to be decided by tonight, with the semi-finals and final being played next Sunday. Only our team was dressed in something besides the standard baseball uniform; instead, we were standing out in our school track suits. And this is a bit off-topic, but this was the first time I've seen Nagato wear something else besides his school uniform.)

[Ed. note: This particular game reminds me of CLANNAD's baseball route, but as they were written about the same time, it's hard to tell who's ripping off who, or whether they're both ripping off something else.]

[D-note: Solution: Clannad sucks.

I keed, I keed, I’m just trolling.

Also there is no translation error, a five-inning a game means there are five switches between offense and defense, rather than say a nine-inning game where there would be nine switches. So when it says “two weeks” it means the tournament in total would take two weeks.]

I later learned that this grasslot softball tournament had quite some history behind it, as this was the ninth installment, and it looked like a pretty prestigious tournament. Because of this, I really wished the organizers would reject Haruki's application when he handed it in.

Oh, and I guess this is worth mentioning, too. After giving Taniguchi and Kunikida a call, the two of them agreed to come right away. Taniguchi was only interested in seeing Nagato and Asahina, while Kunikida said, 'This sounds like fun' and decided to come as well. I'm really glad that they're both so simple-minded. It's so nice to have friends you can count on.

[D-note: Why didn’t you mention Asahina as one of Taniguchi’s interests? Is she not interested in the cute shota boy or something?]

The person Asahina-senpai brought to help was a male upperclassman called Tsuruya. He was nearly as tall as Haruki, and was wearing a huge grin. He also seemed to be a cheerful and energetic person because when he saw me he clapped me on the shoulder and said,

"So you're Kyon-chan, eh? Mitsuuru's always talking about you. Hmm..."

He studied me from top to bottom before nodding approvingly...

For some reason, Asahina-senpai flushed and looked away nervously at his friend's comment. Um, Asahina-senpai, just what did you say about me?

At this moment, the last player that I brought was now facing off with Haruki.

Haruki stared for a moment before marching towards me. "Kyon, come over here. We need to talk." Haruki took me by the arm towards the side of the organizer's tent.

"Exactly what were you on? Look at that thing, you're actually going to let him play softball?"

What do you mean 'that thing?' Isn't that a bit rude, Haruki? He may be 'a thing,' (and very annoying) but he's still my brother.

"He even came up to me and introduced himself, saying how he's the best in fifth grade at sports and how he's here to “kick ass and chew bubble gum”. He's way too cool to be your little brother. Wait, no, that's not my point. Look, it would have been fine if he were playing in the Little League, but this is a softball tournament for the big kids!"

[Editor's note: This is either irony or a translation issue, I can't tell.]

[D-note: I wish I could come up with some sort of baseball/softball fact, but I really can’t think of any. So I think this one is a translation error. And let’s not forget they’re playing softball.]

I didn't just bring my brother without thinking, you know. This was all part of my master plan.

I had thought, 'Why on Earth do I want to get up on Sunday morning just to do some exercise?'

I never volunteered for this, but it was inevitable that things have developed to their current state. If that was going to be the case, it was only natural for me to at least want this tournament, which I have no interest in, to be over as quickly as possible. It would be perfect if we lost quickly so everyone can go home and go back to sleep. Even without my brother, (who, by the way, is the worst in his class in gym) with such a rag-tag group, we'll definitely lose our first game.

However, the leader of this team is none other than the Incredible Suzumiya Haruki. If we accidentally won, it would create a chain of ever more troublesome events, and this was why I had to inject a factor that would ensure our loss. If I brought some amateur little kid in, there's no way in hell we'd win.

Of course, I couldn't let Haruki know about my plan.

"Eh, forget it." Haruki grunted and turned around. "We'll let them win one inning. It won't be fun if we win too much."

I really have no idea where he gets this confidence.

"We still haven't decided on the fielding positions and batting order yet.” I said, “What do you have in mind?"

"I've already thought of that." Haruki's face glowed with his usual smug grin, as he took out a piece of paper from his track suit pocket. As he left till today to decide on the positions, I have no idea what criteria he's going to use to decide who plays where.

"I decided to use this. No one's gonna disagree, right?"

There were two pieces of paper. Each piece was criss-crossed with eight lines. Am I seeing things? It looks like one of those ladder-tracing lottery games...

"You're surprised? Of course it's a lottery. I split the lottery into two, one for batting and one for fielding positions. I'm the pitcher and first batter, by the way."

"So you've decided on this method instead?"

"Eh, what's with that look of yours? You got a problem? This is the most democratic way. Ancient Greek leaders were chosen by ladder-tracing as well, ya know."

Stop comparing the political system of Ancient Greece with the selection method of a modern Japanese baseball team, Haruki. Besides, you only decided this on a whim. Just how is that democratic, exactly?

...Forget it. This way, we could lose quickly. According to the tournament rules, the game would end if the score difference between the teams was more than ten runs, and I think I should start preparing to head home now, since our first opponent was a top team with the best defense in the tournament for the past three years.


The Kamigahara Ninjas.

[D-note: What’s the opposite of Pirates? Ninjas, of course.]

I'll be honest, I rushed a bit. I probably made a couple mistakes or missed some things. I'll go back and check it when I have the time.

[Kogetsu Shirogane]

Originally Posted by Discreet

[D-note: Why didn’t you mention Asahina as one of Taniguchi’s interests? Is she not interested in the cute shota boy or something?]

... I think it was decided from the beginning that no girl could possibly be interested in Mitsuuru...

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by Kogetsu Shirogane

... I think it was decided from the beginning that no girl could possibly be interested in Mitsuuru...

Exactly. Most girls don't want guys like that, at least sexually.

Kyonko just wants to cuddle him and take him home and call him George.


And yes, we're keeping the "Kyon-nee-chan". I'm sure I've heard something like that before, "X-onee-chan"... somewhere...

And no, not Ninjas. "Pilots" is supposed to be "Pirates" metaphorically put through Babelfish a few times.

[Discreet]

It really doesn't have to be sexual... if I'm not mistaken there's a whole culture based around worshiping "idols" yet swearing to never filthy their body. In fact, that's pretty much how Mikuru goes about without getting harassed constantly, implied at least in the books. What with the secret "Mikuru fan club" or whatever it is. Nagato as well if I recall correctly.

And I'm not saying that I've never heard X-nee-chan or whatever (Although I think it's supposed to be x-neechan, but I'm no japanese expert), but if Mitsuuru is using "neechan" and Kyonko is using "sempai" then aren't both regarding each other as the superior in status? Does that work? I mean... is it allowed in the language or will it just end up making people (in Japan or those weabooed sufficiently) wincing?

[ijuinkun]

I would opt for Mitsuru just calling her "Kyon-chan".

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by Discreet

It really doesn't have to be sexual... if I'm not mistaken there's a whole culture based around worshiping "idols" yet swearing to never filthy their body. In fact, that's pretty much how Mikuru goes about without getting harassed constantly, implied at least in the books. What with the secret "Mikuru fan club" or whatever it is. Nagato as well if I recall correctly.

And I'm not saying that I've never heard X-nee-chan or whatever (Although I think it's supposed to be x-neechan, but I'm no japanese expert), but if Mitsuuru is using "neechan" and Kyonko is using "sempai" then aren't both regarding each other as the superior in status? Does that work? I mean... is it allowed in the language or will it just end up making people (in Japan or those weabooed sufficiently) wincing?

The idol thing only really works for girls, though. I don't remember any male idols...

If it was "onee-chan", than yes. He's just calling her "sister", not "big sister". Also, he's using "chan", not "san", so...

And I think the fact that each thinks the other superior hilarious, but I'm not exactly sure if that would work in the language.

[Discreet]

I can name Yuki from Fruits Basket off the top of my head, but I'm sure there's more.

And that's my point exactly concerning the honorifics... does it work?

Would people look at them weird if they were talking like that?

Would Kyonko feel weird being called that while saying sempai?

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by Discreet

And that's my point exactly concerning the honorifics... does it work?

Would people look at them weird if they were talking like that?

Would Kyonko feel weird being called that while saying sempai?

She says "senpai" automatically, though, without really thinking about it.

I only used that instead of "san" because that's how Ouran's Haruhi referred to her seniors, and...

I'm almost sure it works... but you'd have to ask a real weeaboo to know.

[Sute443]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

If it was "onee-chan", than yes. He's just calling her "sister", not "big sister". Also, he's using "chan", not "san", so...

And I think the fact that each thinks the other superior hilarious, but I'm not exactly sure if that would work in the language.

Um, the "o" in "oneechan" signifies respect, not that she's older. If Mitsuru is calling Kyonko "Kyon-neechan," the he's calling her "Big Sister Kyon." Japanese doesn't have a word for just "brother" or "sister," they always have either "big" or "little" attached.

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by Sute443

Um, the "o" in "oneechan" signifies respect, not that she's older. If Mitsuru is calling Kyonko "Kyon-neechan," the he's calling her "Big Sister Kyon." Japanese doesn't have a word for just "brother" or "sister," they always have either "big" or "little" attached.

Eh. I still think it's characteristic of Mitsuuru, who's latched on to her like that.

Besides, he does look younger...

[Discreet]

Still, would they or either feel weird saying/hearing it? That's the most pressing issue.

And the reason I'm being a little anal with Taniguchi drooling over Mitsuuru as well as Yuuki is because Taniguchi has always been meant to be a horndog. Leaving it just with Yuuki, makes her seem less like a pervert and more like someone who has a crush.

[Sute443]

Originally Posted by Discreet

Still, would they or either feel weird saying/hearing it? That's the most pressing issue.

Whether Mitsuru feels weird saying it depends on how pathetic he is. If Mitsuru is Just That Pathetic, then there shouldn't be a problem on his end. Maybe he eventually stops saying it as Haruki makes him manlier.

Considering how weird the entire situation already is, Kyonko shouldn't find it too much of an addition to the weirdness.

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by Sute443

Whether Mitsuru feels weird saying it depends on how pathetic he is. If Mitsuru is Just That Pathetic, then there shouldn't be a problem on his end. Maybe he eventually stops saying it as Haruki makes him manlier.

Considering how weird the entire situation already is, Kyonko shouldn't find it too much of an addition to the weirdness.

And he is indeed Just That Pathetic.

[CrowKenobi]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

And he is indeed Just That Pathetic.

Does he fit this trope: Extreme Doormat?

[unmoldedtruck]

Originally Posted by CrowKenobi

Does he fit this trope: Extreme Doormat?

I don't think so...but I refuse to take the bait and waste the rest of my day.

[ijuinkun]

Given what Haruki does, Mitsuru might also be partially The Butt Monkey

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by CrowKenobi

Does he fit this trope: Extreme Doormat?

Mitsuuru is the Butt Monkey. Big Mitsuuru is the Extreme Doormat, masquerading as something in between the Cool Old Guy and the Bishonen.

[dkellis]

Spore distracted me. More specifically, it distracted me by making me troubleshoot the technical problems it gave me. (I think I need a less buggy video card.)

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

She says "senpai" automatically, though, without really thinking about it.

I only used that instead of "san" because that's how Ouran's Haruhi referred to her seniors, and...

I'm almost sure it works... but you'd have to ask a real weeaboo to know.

The "senpai" thing is pretty much automatic. If they're your superior socially (by grades, by seniority, by experience), they get "senpai" by default. (I'm trying to switch to typing "senpai" instead of "sempai". I might slip up now and again.)

The "Kyonko-neechan" thing did strike me as a bit odd. Canon Kyon does act like a protective older brother to Mikuru, but she doesn't call him "Kyon-niichan". (In fact, nobody calls him "oniichan" or equivalent.) I figured that "Kyonko-neechan" would be fine for a one-off joke, but if it continues, there should probably be some explanation or comment why, including Kyonko's comparison about her real little brother not calling her "oneechan".

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by dkellis

The "senpai" thing is pretty much automatic. If they're your superior socially (by grades, by seniority, by experience), they get "senpai" by default. (I'm trying to switch to typing "senpai" instead of "sempai". I might slip up now and again.)

The "Kyonko-neechan" thing did strike me as a bit odd. Canon Kyon does act like a protective older brother to Mikuru, but she doesn't call him "Kyon-niichan". (In fact, nobody calls him "oniichan" or equivalent.) I figured that "Kyonko-neechan" would be fine for a one-off joke, but if it continues, there should probably be some explanation or comment why, including Kyonko's comparison about her real little brother not calling her "oneechan".

I'll put that in the next part when I get around to it.

Otouto needs some lines, because he is AWESOME.

[Ithekro]

Spore's out?