Last episode I said this backstory, while certainly compelling enough to add to Kiritsugu's already complex character, wasn't strictly necessary to "make" him, but this episode's climax was on a whole other level and most definitely warrants an inclusion in this series, as it perfectly illustrates how a miracle like the Holy Grail is the only possibility of salvation left for one as broken and as messed up as Kiritsugu.
He wanted to be a hero who would save everyone, yet, due to a cruel twist of fate, that dream is shattered at an early age, through a tragic event which ends in patricide and sets him out on the path of an anti-hero. He who wanted nothing but to save others would now specialize in killing the few to save the many, even if those few were those dearest to him. And it all seemed to come so naturally, as if being an emotionless machine was the easiest thing in the world for him, yet his emotional outburst at the end of this episode showed the unbearable lengths to which he's been pushing and forcing himself internally. He had been bottling it all up for so many years. Sorrow, guilt, self-loathing... He would suppress all of these emotions so he could continue to faultlessly uphold his ideal. But alas, Natalia's death proved to be too much for even him to endure stoically, so, as he lay there, trying to comfort and justify himself through his memory of Shirley, his repressed emotions finally caught up to him and overcame his mind, and it all came pouring out in one gut-wrenching outcry of desperation.
But, in spite of all that, what's most tragic is what comes
afterwards. Defeated by his true feelings, Kiritsugu goes as far as screaming with himself to shut up, insulting his own existence for succumbing to a very human and understandable moment of vulnerability. Because that is the kind of hellish path he's set out on. If he lets himself be overcome by his emotions and forsakes his path, all of the blood he's shed thus far, including his father and mother's, would be in vain. If he allows himself to truly regret what he's turned himself into and ceases to believe in the righteousness of that path, he becomes a mere mass murderer. So he absolutely cannot afford to stop, no matter how much his heart tells him he would rather save those he loves most, no matter how much, deep down, he hates what he's become. All he can do is keep going, yet the further he goes the more difficult it becomes to ever free himself of the curse that is his ideal. It is a path that is almost certain to end in self-destruction, but so as to not be crushed by his guilt and regret, he must continue to sink in deeper and deeper into it. Hence this season's OP excellent visual metaphor:
And all of that ties in perfectly with his wish to obtain the Grail. It's why, as Kirei stated in the very first episode, "His endless string of battles came to a sudden halt when he meet the Einzberns. He found his answer then." For a human being as tragically messed up as Kiritsugu, a divine miracle truly is the only hope for salvation he has left. It is his atonement, for all of the blood he's shed thus far. Irisviel, who understands Kiritsugu better than anyone, realizes that as well, which is why in episode 7, when Kiritsugu, in another rare emotional outburst caused by his extreme bottling up of his emotions, proposes they run away together with their daughter and live on untroubled and in peace, she tells him that he would never be able to do such a thing and that if he did, he would be the first to condemn himself for abandoning his path and would surely end his own life. He probably felt the same at the end of this episode. His anguish and desperation truly showed that this is a man who feels nothing but pain and torment about doing the things he does, but he can't bring himself to stop now. If he did, it would mean throwing away all of the sacrifices he's made thus far, as well as the sacrifices he's still going to make, such as Irisviel, who is his only respite amidst his tragic path yet he's known from the get go he would have to sacrifice her as well for the sake of his dream. God, his whole life is nothing but tragedy. Must go watch happy things now indeed.
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