Daily relations with people.

[Samari]

I thought this board needed a thread to discuss the type of people we meet in our everyday lives or have dealt with in our everday lives. Good or bad. A thread to discuss the kinds of relations we have with other people and ask questions. Friends, siblings, strangers, parents, etc. I didn't really find an applicable thread in my search. Hopefully this stays here for quite some time. I think it can be useful.

That being said, I want to ask if anyone has had this experience I currently have. There is a fellow student of mine that attends my college. We're both art majors and kind of know each other a decent amount. You could say we're friends. He's also the same ethnicity as me, around my same height, into some of the same things as I am, and even wears glasses like I do sometimes. Almost like a twin. He's from New York though. Sometimes he's wants to hang out...but I'm a little apprehensive because I find him to be quite honestly...obnoxious at times. In other social settings he's had the reputation of constant teasing...or telling jokes to the point that they're killed. My girlfriend has even gotten annoyed by his antics a couple of times. He also hits on everything that moves if you know what I mean.

I'm not sure what it is, put perhaps I am apprehensive about socializing with this person because I see something in him that I either used to be or am afraid of becoming. The same reasoning I don't think I'd ever get along with an exact clone of myself. What do you think?

[Master_Yoma]

I hate being around people there all idiots.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Master_Yoma

I hate being around people there all idiots.

I felt like that today at work. It's amazing how in the service industry people will be extremely rude to you based on things you literally have no control over, even if you show complete sincerity. In some aspects the grass really isn't always greener on the other side...no matter how much money you have or where you come from. The only thing that the service industry has taught me that I think would be good life lessons for myself is patience with people and being a better retail shopper.

[Nightbat®]

Apparently you consider this person a friend, but fear he will 'reflect' badly upon you

You don't strike me as a person easily 'overtaken' by others' influence

In company it seems that everyone still answers for themselves
I've seen friends, myself, act like dolts often enough, this never backlashed on any of the others

Perhaps warning your friend about his 'traits' IF you were to go hang out with him would be a friendly thing to do
(though it's hard to change the nature of the beast)
It gives a fair chance or at least an answer

[Kaijo]

I'd suggest everyone read 7 reasons the 21st Century is Making you Miserable.

To sum up, we need to learn to deal with the annoying people in our lives, and the internet, texting, and expanded global social circle make it easier to shut out and ignore people that annoy us. Dealing with such people teaches a character growth skill, and like all skills, if you don't flex it enough, you become really bad at it.

We all have people in our lives that annoy us. But here's the kicker: there are also people that we annoy. Of course, we always see it as the other person's problem; that we are the ones who are acting just fine and they should just deal with it.

In short, all of us need to learn to deal with people, and be less willing to hit that ignore button. Because if you do, you're only hurting yourself and making life worse for all. After I read that article, I took stock and decided to never ignore anyone. I'll read all posts by people, even if I have issues with them. I'll talk with anyone, despite how I may feel. I won't run or hide.

And after awhile, I found that it became easier and easier to shrug off the annoying traits. I gradually came to really understand how different each one of us is, and that it is merely part of life. Granted, there are some people to definitely avoid, ie, a serial killer. But those extreme cases are understandable.

Also, we really do need people to criticize us more. Sure, I'll put up a fight when people criticize me, but I still listen to it. I'll think about it, and eventually make changes if warranted. But even if I don't, I still want to hear it, because at the very least, that is how I'm being perceived and I feel it's important to know.

Seriously, read the article, and let me know how you feel. Cracked can be a great source of amusement, but it also really hits the truth hard sometimes.

And this is coming from someone who is anti-social by nature, and doesn't care too much about friends, heh.

[Lost Cause]

@Samari; It sounds to me like you gut instinct is telling you the truth! If this guy really is that bad and even annoys your girlfriend then you might want to keep the friendship (for lack of a better word) as it already is! His antics could possibly get him into serious trouble if he pulled his rountine on the wrong person and that might envelope you if your in proximinty of him!
And while I agree with some of what Kaijo said about dealing with the douche bags of the world, that's all I agree with dealing with them, then moving on! Hitting the "ignore button" is something I can agree with completely! In real life you just deal with said individual and move on!
I know it sounds selfish, but you need to take care of you and what's precious too you!

[Nightengale]

The past one and a half year has been nothing but an emotional torture for me.

I live through everyday in the past year feeling like I want to break every teeth of my father's. My father emotionally abuses and controls the family day-by-day, and keeps suspecting my mother of indecency, and we basically have weekly quarrels over the same fucking issue week in week out week in week out, it's basically fucking Groundhog's Day. Every single content of the argument, every possible variation, every possible temporary 'solvency' had been done at least 10 times, with the overall argument having occurred over 150 times already. Yes, there was a peak period where it happened 5 times a day, for one whole month. I literally bleed through that month feeling like I lost 5 years of my life.

The irony of it all is that even though I've lost every grain of respect for my old man, I still love him, and well... I'm the pessimistic type of person who consoles myself through reassurance that I'm not the worst off, considering I haven't gotten horribly abused or killed compared to some people out there. I

Sometimes, I wonder what filial piety really means.

[yezhanquan]

Er... are you in America? If not, you might want to ask for help.

[Nightengale]

Originally Posted by yezhanquan

Er... are you in America? If not, you might want to ask for help.

Malaysia.

And really, mild help hasn't worked. It's a complicated issue.

I've told my mother and grandmother time and time again it's time to break apart for the greater good of a larger number of people's emotional and mental health, but they're too sympathetic.

And too traditional.

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Nightengale

Malaysia.

And really, mild help hasn't worked. It's a complicated issue.

I've told my mother and grandmother time and time again it's time to break apart for the greater good of a larger number of people's emotional and mental health, but they're too sympathetic.

And too traditional.

I never really liked this aspect of tradition. This is edging more closely to dating so I won't say too much, but my granma always said that if your significant other shows signs of jealousy in the extremis, then it's time to avoid that person at all costs with the intention of seeking anything romantic out of them, and to take a break from them for a while completely.

Apart from that, persistent familial arguments are indeed a danger to the mental health of others indirectly involved. My own brother has (thankfully highly functional) Autism as a result of the constant arguments between my mom and granma due to various issues between them. Regardless of what your mom and granma think, I believe that someone should seek help, if it could at least be you on your own to help you get through the difficulty of coping with the situation.

[SOGESNAKE]

Y'know, most of the people I hang out with are basically just otaku's of different tastes. Hell, when we get together, it's kinda like that show "Big Bang Theory" y'know? Just nerds being nerds. These people makes life grand, worth living, makes you enjoy life that much more~


Hell, you should see us in our dorm at Anime Conventions~

[yezhanquan]

Originally Posted by Nightengale

Malaysia.

And really, mild help hasn't worked. It's a complicated issue.

I've told my mother and grandmother time and time again it's time to break apart for the greater good of a larger number of people's emotional and mental health, but they're too sympathetic.

And too traditional.

Oh, our friends next door. In that case.... I don't know. Any friends in Singapore?

[Melpomene]

Jealousy can occur if couples do not communicate properly. If they communicate properly and are able to listen to one another then jealousy can hardly exist. The problem is couples are often not willing to have close communications, and immediately jump to conclusions. However, it is also important that a person doesn't have a reason to be jealous. Flirting is very popular where I am from as well as infidelity so people are a little wired jealous. Everyone talks no one listens so they suffer. However, Nightingale your situation is truly abusive, I am not sure about your country, but is there anyone you can go to or talk to? Your mother is truly being abused and no one should stand for it.

My general interactions with people is met with mild apathy at best.

[Nightengale]

I've talked to tons of people about it. Psychologist, doctors, counselors, pastors, lawyers, the men he suspected my mom is having infidelity with, friends, family members, anonymous, forum friends...

Honestly, the most people can do is offer advice, be a mediator, and try to convince my father to be nicer. That hasn't worked the first 70 or so times, and by then, everyone approachable was already approached thrice, and by then, people, as nice as they are can do nothing more than what they've done.

Because honestly, everyone's tried everything short on beating him to a bloody pulp ( very tempting, I should say. Blasphemous as a son, but very very tempting. ) or a true-and-proper separation/divorce. ( This is not my part, unfortunately. )

You know how paranoia people with a huge ego are. People who will never admit they're wrong, views everything with their ego-tinted glasses and makes up their own delusions to avert their faults on other things. To him, he is undoubtedly right and self-assured that my mom is a bitch, and thus treats her like one. No advice will work on these kind of people, because he is right, everyone else is always, always bloody wrong.

As much as I would like to leave home to stay alone, he is at least conscious of my presence and thus, I have a +20% Restraint Effect on him whenever I'm around. So I have to be around them for most parts of almost everyday to prevent a worst case scenario.

[Melpomene]

Originally Posted by Nightengale

You know how paranoia people with a huge ego are. People who will never admit they're wrong, views everything with their ego-tinted glasses and makes up their own delusions to avert their faults on other things. To him, he is undoubtedly right and self-assured that my mom is a bitch, and thus treats her like one. No advice will work on these kind of people, because he is right, everyone else is always, always bloody wrong.

As much as I would like to leave home to stay alone, he is at least conscious of my presence and thus, I have a +20% Restraint Effect on him whenever I'm around. So I have to be around them for most parts of almost everyday to prevent a worst case scenario.

It is stated that a son and daughter must be filial pious, but when is it right and when is it wrong? As a son I feel it is your duty to protect your mother if any physical harm came to your mother. However, beating rather than disable and defense is not good for your spirit.

The ego is a poison. Too many people rely on the ego to get a sense of self. The ego is a weak "false self" that needs to constantly be affirmed. I have met these types of people and they're nearly insufferable. They can not feel accountable for their actions and "how they've contributed to the problem." If he could supress his ego he'd see the foolish weak man he is hiding. This doesn't seem to be a task anyone can achieve but your father. I believe he knows it and that is why his ego is so large. A self-looped denial.

I can understand your need to be around. Since eyes observing someone eliminates a possible abuse senario. I will explain something I have learned about abusers. They don't think what they are doing is wrong, but to prove that they're not wrong they won't be abusive in front of people. They will not hit when someone is watching because it disrupts their self image and batters their ego. It makes them out to be the bad guy. Abusers get a warped sense of what they are doing is because "they are made to."

Have you talked privately with your mother about all of this?

[Nightengale]

Originally Posted by Ruri Gokou

Have you talked privately with your mother about all of this?

Of course I have. My mother is not dumb, meek or some wallflower wife. Her main problem is that she's simply too sympathetic of him. Like someone who's a bit mentally ill.

So, she endures what can be endured, while waits patiently for the right time that there's a mutual agreement that the situation cannot be maintained any longer.

The main problem is that someone like my father talks the talk, but never walks the walk. He wants to treat my mother like a bitch, but any attempt to legitimately break this family, and he threatens suicide, death, any bloody excuse he can find. If he feels like he's on the losing end ( he has no logical basis of argument ), he'll force everyone to forget the problem ever happened, and promised this kind of argument won't happen again.

Counts of such broken promise to date : 87 times.
Counts of related broken promises made to me specifically to date : 46 times. ( unrelated ones? Countless. )
Counts of broken promises made with other witnesses and mediators to date : 10 times.

I could make a typography of the Endless Eight of my life.

Heck, I sometimes honestly feel I'm going somewhat off the deep end myself for bothering to keep count. ( and making the feeling quantitatively more painful. )

Writing and talking about this makes me feel better though.

[Melpomene]

I'm glad writing about it is making you feel much better. I never meant to say your mother is dumb and I apologise. I actually can understand her stand point quite well.

Your father sounds strikingly similar to people I knew. It sounds like he has very deep issues (obvioiusly), ones that medication may be required. It is no shame to rely on a medication to get your head screwed on straight. It doesn't make you any less of a person, but I doubt that would get through to him.

I would stop keeping track. Keeping track is a way of building up madness in oneself. It is better to not quantify it and just say: "This man has issues and is unstable." It is been studied that with people in a "prison" like senario if they count how many times they are wronged they'll have an escalated chance of violence. So for your health I'd not keep score.

[Nightengale]

Getting him to admit he has a problem is the impossible hurdle for him to take proper medication.

He's been subject to quite a few medications already, from Aripiprazole to Risperidone. Under the guise of 'memory improvement medication.' The term antidepressant almost made him beat up a doctor.

One of them even said his overall prescription won't work because even if it avoids him from overthinking about the 'delusions' occasionally, he is too committed to them that a serious case of long-term anti-psychotic treatment is necessary for him to be 'potentially' cured.

Something that needs his full consent and cooperation.

Fat chance in hell for both to happen.

And thanks for the advice.

[Melpomene]

Darn, because part of improving is admitting there may be a problem. The longer he denies things the harder it will become for him.

They have to hide the medicine he is taking? Whoa, I am surprised that they must go that far. Though his violent acts are inexcusable. He has too much anger, does your country have pychiatric emergancy facilities? He has threatened suicide before, that is often grounds to place him into psychiatric emergancy in order to cool down and perhaps be 'forced help' I know I am firing in the dark here with these ideas. They may even be annoying or what not. However, I am worried for the guy. He is ruining his life, and the love of his family.

Anti-psychotic... I don't disagree with your doctors at all. I think it is important they put him on something. Seroquel is a good choice for his anger. It is easy to mask as something else as well. Though that is the doctor's business, not someone on the internet.

It definitely doesn't feel like it will happen. I feel for the situation you are in, it is something people shouldn't face yet they do.

No no, not advice you were already thinking in your heart to stop keeping track. I merely put it into words. I think you are smart and have good instincts, try to avoid hitting him. Hit something else, anything else, but hit something soft. I'd hate to hear if hand injuries over a man who is having mental issues.

[SaintessHeart]

Originally Posted by Nightengale

Of course I have. My mother is not dumb, meek or some wallflower wife. Her main problem is that she's simply too sympathetic of him. Like someone who's a bit mentally ill.

So, she endures what can be endured, while waits patiently for the right time that there's a mutual agreement that the situation cannot be maintained any longer.

The main problem is that someone like my father talks the talk, but never walks the walk. He wants to treat my mother like a bitch, but any attempt to legitimately break this family, and he threatens suicide, death, any bloody excuse he can find. If he feels like he's on the losing end ( he has no logical basis of argument ), he'll force everyone to forget the problem ever happened, and promised this kind of argument won't happen again.

Counts of such broken promise to date : 87 times.
Counts of related broken promises made to me specifically to date : 46 times. ( unrelated ones? Countless. )
Counts of broken promises made with other witnesses and mediators to date : 10 times.

I could make a typography of the Endless Eight of my life.

Heck, I sometimes honestly feel I'm going somewhat off the deep end myself for bothering to keep count. ( and making the feeling quantitatively more painful. )

Writing and talking about this makes me feel better though.

Well, I am in the same situation as you. You don't have to be so skeptical when it comes to broken promises. Heck my father didn't even bother to pay for my school fees at all since I was in Primary school.

Morals are worthless because they are messages told through stories, and in each of these, it could be told for self-serving purposes of the storyteller. I believe instead in reciprocity, namely "10x the overkill for the asshole for 1x the suffering caused wrt inflation, and the other way too".

I find it absolutely idiotic that generally the previous generation of Asian women are so meek when it comes to dealing with their incompetent other half. It's like running a "loop ignoresuffering" string in their heads over and over again, no wonder the saying "women are stupid" amongst the older men. And they aren't the ones suffering due to the string, it is their children for the earlier part of the latter's lives - psychologically it breeds the greed and worship for money that bring ruination to many.

My mother once threatened suicide. I simply told her what she told me when I did the same 8 years ago, "Go on. Please die so I can live in peace." Whether the trigger works or not, it solves problems - reverse psychology will force the person to pull back, and if the person really dies : no man, no problem.

These is one of the few times where reality hits hard with "Ignorance is bliss". Since this is your life, live it as you want it to. Everything else doesn't matter at all.