Dating

[Timdog]

Originally Posted by cheyannew

I have to agree with others in that this is not healthy, but perhaps looking at WHY you're obsessing over it so much would do some good.

Why are you so concerned with your virginity or intimate experience? Are you trying to keep up with friends who have gone ahead of you in this situation? Does your personal self-worth somehow link to your ability to seduce those of the opposite sex? Do you feel like you're failing somewhere if you do not have a partner in your life?

Those and other questions are things you should be asking yourself, and likely will for most of your life. Up until you're an independent adult (hell, for a good while after that TBH), you're still trying to figure out who you are, and it's an easy pit to fall into: linking your personal self-wroth with your ability to have/keep a partner. But in reality, if you're not confident in who YOU are (sexually active or not or whatever) you won't be able to go ahead and grow as a person, much less have a healthy relationship with someone else.

So sit down and seriously ask yourself WHY this is so important to you?

The answer might go a long way in helping you smooth things out

I already know the answer to these questions: I feel like I'm below everyone since not a SINGLE person has EVER saw me as more than just a friend (lots of people see me as a friend but never anything more). I feel like such a failure because of this since EVERYONE I know (even the idiotic assholes who everyone hates) has had something happen. And the thing is, everyone thinks I SHOULD have had something happen by now but it just hasn't so I feel like there has to be something really wrong with me.

Also the fact that I was used a lot in HS by girls for jokes probably doesn't help. They would lead me on to think I like them then go giggling to their friends and comment on how stupid I was. Needless to say, I hated a lot of HS (haven't encountered any of this in college so far).

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by Timdog

I really am considering going to my school's counseling services or something but it just sounds so lame going in and saying I feel bad because I feel frustrated with girls. It's not a REAL problem and I know that but it still affects me this way.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!!


If something is affecting how you function, then it IS a "real problem".

You may think it's less important than someone who is dealing with, say, a parent's death, but it IS a real problem. One which can affect your emotional development and mental well being.

Therefore, I WOULD encourage you to contact a school counselor; that's what they're there for :P They have had training to handle teen issues and may be able to shed some light on WHY you're so affected.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Timdog

I really am considering going to my school's counseling services or something but it just sounds so lame going in and saying I feel bad because I feel frustrated with girls. It's not a REAL problem and I know that but it still affects me this way.

Actually, I think you'd be surprised. If you go to someone and explain just as you've explained it here on this thread, you'll definitely be taken seriously. It could be a hint at a bigger problem that you don't even know about, especially if you've talked to someone else about it and it still hasn't passed. I really think you need to talk to a professional about this, because it sounds like it's starting to cause you some real problems.

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by Timdog

I already know the answer to these questions: I feel like I'm below everyone since not a SINGLE person has EVER saw me as more than just a friend (lots of people see me as a friend but never anything more). I feel like such a failure because of this since EVERYONE I know (even the idiotic assholes who everyone hates) has had something happen. And the thing is, everyone thinks I SHOULD have had something happen by now but it just hasn't so I feel like there has to be something really wrong with me.

Also the fact that I was used a lot in HS by girls for jokes probably doesn't help. They would lead me on to think I like them then go giggling to their friends and comment on how stupid I was. Needless to say, I hated a lot of HS (haven't encountered any of this in college so far).

Why is anything wrong with you? Because you're not jumping into bed with everyone you can?

We should all have that issue :P Your worth is not (or should not) be linked to how many people you've dated, slept with or whatever. TBH and harshly blunt, the only person's opinion you should give a rat's arse about is YOURS. If someone teases you for not having a girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever, just shrug. Why? Because in the time they're sleeping with everything they can, you're building yourself into a mature, self sufficient human being, who will make a more appropriate mate for someone in the long term.

And yes, I'm using large generalizations, but you should get the point.

[Narona]

Originally Posted by Timdog

I already know the answer to these questions: I feel like I'm below everyone since not a SINGLE person has EVER saw me as more than just a friend (lots of people see me as a friend but never anything more). I feel like such a failure because of this since EVERYONE I know (even the idiotic assholes who everyone hates) has had something happen. And the thing is, everyone thinks I SHOULD have had something happen by now but it just hasn't so I feel like there has to be something really wrong with me.

Also the fact that I was used a lot in HS by girls for jokes probably doesn't help. They would lead me on to think I like them then go giggling to their friends and comment on how stupid I was. Needless to say, I hated a lot of HS (haven't encountered any of this in college so far).

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2008/03/11/stds-cdc.html

When you can read such news about the STD among Teens girls in the U.S, you should actually listen to your brain and how you shall choose your partners wisely. And not because of what your friends do. To haste things usually isn't good.

Think about it. And listen to Chey~~

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Narona

Think about it. And listen to Chey~~

I feel so loved.

Gah! I'm kidding, I'm kidding! *shot*

[Narona]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I feel so loved.

Gah! I'm kidding, I'm kidding! *shot*

And listen to Miss RadiantBeam too



Sorry, I read one post of Chey and replied But your advices are good too

I am actually the one who gave the worst advice so far since I pointed my finger at him and called him pathetic.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Narona

But your advices are good too

Heh, thank you.

I am actually the one who gave the worst advice so far since I pointed my finger at him and called him pathetic.

I like your advice. It's direct and honest.

[Narona]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Heh, thank you.

I didn't add that for fun. Since you started to post in it, your posts so far in this thread are usually nice.

I like your advice. It's direct and honest.

But he could have taken it the wrong way.

What's pathetic is not what he think he is. What's pathetic is how he doesn't live for himself and how he looks what the other people do as if they were superior than him because they did/tried this and that.

What he should understand is that it is not because a person had sex in HS and had 100 partners that this person will obviously become a nice person (for example, will have a nice family, nice kid, nice dog, a good job etc.) and will have a happy life (and by Life I mean to see what a person has achieved in all its life)

He should do what he personally thinks is nice. And should become what he thinks a nice man is. So far he seems to be obessed to copy what some random guys did/are as if they were perfect and obviously superior.

And he should not forget that people show to him what they want to show, and not what is sometimes hid behind the curtain. I mean that not all the people aged 18 say the truth when they say they did this and that about sex.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Narona

I didn't add that for fun. Since you started to post in it, your posts so far in this thread are usually nice.

Thank you very much. ^__^

But he could have taken it the wrong way.

What's pathetic is not what he think he is. What's pathetic is how he doesn't live for himself and how he looks what the other people do as if they were superior than him because they did/tried this and that.

What he should understand is that it is not because a person had sex in HS and had 100 partners that this person will obviously become a nice person (for example, will have a nice family, nice kid, nice dog, a good job etc.) and will have a happy life (and by Life I mean to see what a person has achieved in all its life)

He should do what he personally thinks is nice. And should become what he thinks a nice man is. So far he seems to be obessed to copy what some random guys did/are as if they were perfect and obviously superior.

And he should not forget that people show to him what they want to show, and not what is sometimes hid behind the curtain. I mean that not all the people aged 18 say the truth when they say they did this and that about sex.

It makes sense to me, in any case. I think it helps sometimes to have someone be completely, brutally honest with you even if it's taken the wrong way. Sometimes we try too hard to say things so we don't hurt a person's feelings.

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by Narona

And he should not forget that people show to him what they want to show, and not what is sometimes hid behind the curtain. I mean that not all the people aged 18 say the truth when they say they did this and that about sex.

That is a very good point, too; it was like that back when I was in school, so I can only imagine in this day and age the "pressure" is more. It was like you earned badges according to what you had done (I note contracting STDs wasn't one of those badges though), so you could feel pressured to SAY you've done something to appear more worldly than you are. I was a bit of a freak amongst my peers for settling down while still in high school. They were busy sneaking out and getting drunk and sleeping with the rest of the Drama Club, football team, whatever, and I was nowhere near that lifestyle lol. No one likes to feel different, but in the end, I daresay I came out on top


And without any STDs

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by cheyannew

I was a bit of a freak amongst my peers for settling down while still in high school.

I'm still considered a freak by some people for not having a boyfriend since I was fourteen-fifteen.

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I'm still considered a freak by some people for not having a boyfriend since I was fourteen-fifteen.

Whereas I call that being smart and choosy Mr/Ms RIGHT instead of RightNow

[Timdog]

Originally Posted by Narona

I didn't add that for fun. Since you started to post in it, your posts so far in this thread are usually nice.


But he could have taken it the wrong way.

What's pathetic is not what he think he is. What's pathetic is how he doesn't live for himself and how he looks what the other people do as if they were superior than him because they did/tried this and that.

What he should understand is that it is not because a person had sex in HS and had 100 partners that this person will obviously become a nice person (for example, will have a nice family, nice kid, nice dog, a good job etc.) and will have a happy life (and by Life I mean to see what a person has achieved in all its life)

He should do what he personally thinks is nice. And should become what he thinks a nice man is. So far he seems to be obessed to copy what some random guys did/are as if they were perfect and obviously superior.

And he should not forget that people show to him what they want to show, and not what is sometimes hid behind the curtain. I mean that not all the people aged 18 say the truth when they say they did this and that about sex.

I don't want to be a manwhore.

The thing that is getting to me is that it hasn't happened at ALL. If I just hadn't been with anyone in awhile I don't think it would bother me as much. And I do want a real relationship, just not getting ANY "firsts" is very frustrating. I actually don't even care about sex, a kiss would be one of the greatest things in the world to me right now. And one of the qualities girls I've talked to want in a guy is "experience" in relationships in general. They don't want to deal with a relationship idiot so if they find out a guy hasn't had many relationships they automatically reject him as a possible mate. And having 0 experience with anything puts me in a rough position.

Also, there are quite a few of my peers who know I've gone nowhere with girls and when they first learned of it, they just gave me weird looks and started asking if there was anything wrong with me. It's like I suddenly became a weirdo to them since I hadn't even kissed a girl yet.

And yes, I know MANY virgins at school. But I have yet to meet a SINGLE person who has never done anything with a girl, especially a kiss. Most got their first when they were like 10-12.

Doesn't help that I also look much younger than other people my age (get that from my mom, she was carded until she was 29, same will happen to me I bet, I still get carded at the movies and they can't believe I'm 20).

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Timdog

The thing that is getting to me is that it hasn't happened at ALL. If I just hadn't been with anyone in awhile I don't think it would bother me as much. And I do want a real relationship, just not getting ANY "firsts" is very frustrating. I actually don't even care about sex, a kiss would be one of the greatest things in the world to me right now.

A "first" anything isn't something you should rush. They come to you in time. Trying to rush a "first kiss" or a "first holding hands" can really ruin the moment for you, especially if you don't genuinely care for the person and are just trying to use them to reach that "first". Granted, something like a first kiss doesn't always match up to your expectations of it (speaking from experience here), but it's still a lovely memory and not something you should rush or push for. Timing is everything.

[0utf0xZer0]

It seems to me like you're going through the same "I thought my social life would be better once I was out of high school but it's not" phase that I went through during my first year or two at university, only you're taking it a lot harder than me.

I'm also curious as to whether your problem is more a matter of having trouble finding the girl you want to get close to or if it's more a matter of rejection/fear of rejection. I've generally had more trouble with the first problem than the second.

[Timdog]

Originally Posted by 0utf0xZer0

It seems to me like you're going through the same "I thought my social life would be better once I was out of high school but it's not" phase that I went through during my first year or two at university, only you're taking it a lot harder than me.

I'm also curious as to whether your problem is more a matter of having trouble finding the girl you want to get close to or if it's more a matter of rejection/fear of rejection. I've generally had more trouble with the first problem than the second.

Complete opposite of you in these areas. My social life got much better in college. I had friends in HS but hardly ever did anything with them outside of school. I go out to parties once or twice a week now and have many friends I hang out with every day. Although sometimes it can get lonely if everyone has a lot of schoolwork and you have none, but that is just how it is.

I have found many girls I would go out with. The thing is, I don't even consider a girl as a possible mate (lol like I should even be thinking that way ) until I've gotten to know them. Unfortunately this always leads to the friendzone. Girls say they want a guy to know them before they go out with them yet they friendzone people once they get closer to them and go out and hook up with some random "hot" guy on the weekend. Then come crying to your room at 3am because of what they just did. Then they tell you how good of a person you are the next week and then go out and do it again and again.

I would obsess over specific girls in the past (usually leading to a rejection or "let's just be friends" response) but now it's just about the issue in general.

Maybe it will get better once I'm out of college... I've only met one girl who actually wants a relationship and I would definitely go out with her but she's also one of my closest friends and I would be devastated if I asked her out, she rejected me, and it ruined the friendship (TBH, she's probably the closest I've ever gotten to someone other than my parents). I've pretty much "gotten over her" since it's basically not feasible (plus she likes another guy).

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Timdog

I would obsess over specific girls in the past (usually leading to a rejection or "let's just be friends" response) but now it's just about the issue in general.

It seems like you're making a big deal out of something that isn't really a problem. It might take time, but eventually you'll meet that one girl who becomes close to you and doesn't view you as a friend but as something more. You just have to remain patient and focused until that happens instead of letting it take over your life.

[Timdog]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

It seems like you're making a big deal out of something that isn't really a problem. It might take time, but eventually you'll meet that one girl who becomes close to you and doesn't view you as a friend but as something more. You just have to remain patient and focused until that happens instead of letting it take over your life.

I know it's not really a problem and that's why I think it's weird that I still feel so down/frustrated about it.

I really think I need to talk to a professional about this but I'm really scared someone will find out I'm going and why I'm going and then I can say good bye to my social life (young adults are pretty vicious socially, I know my closest friends wouldn't care and would probably want to help me out, but I can say good bye to a lot of other people). And yes, I know the whole they aren't really your friends then but the problem is my closest friends are within this circle so I would basically not be able to hang out with them either (also why I'm a huge closet anime watcher ).

[Ascaloth]

Originally Posted by Timdog

I have found many girls I would go out with. The thing is, I don't even consider a girl as a possible mate (lol like I should even be thinking that way ) until I've gotten to know them. Unfortunately this always leads to the friendzone. Girls say they want a guy to know them before they go out with them yet they friendzone people once they get closer to them and go out and hook up with some random "hot" guy on the weekend. Then come crying to your room at 3am because of what they just did. Then they tell you how good of a person you are the next week and then go out and do it again and again.

I don't see a problem here. If these girls are, like you said, the kind who would just go out and hook up with some random "hot" guy on the weekend, and then come crying to you at 3am....frankly, you don't want to consider girls who are this exploitative as a possible partner. I mean, it's alright to be their friend, but if they're the type who would "friendzone" you....well, they're not your type in the first place, and besides, more fish in the sea.

I've been there before, and yes, a lot of girls did friendzone me. Yeah, I did fret about that when I was younger, but then I grew thicker skin as I grew older. I learned to just sit back, observe the many different ladies I hung out with, and looked out particularly for that one girl who treats me just a bit differently. That is when it's the right time to make a swoop (so you see, Narona-chan. it's not a kamikaze tactic I employed! ).

So, no harm just waiting. You're young, you've got plenty of time, and you know what they say about men like us; we get more charming as we get older.

I would obsess over specific girls in the past (usually leading to a rejection or "let's just be friends" response) but now it's just about the issue in general.

Maybe it will get better once I'm out of college... I've only met one girl who actually wants a relationship and I would definitely go out with her but she's also one of my closest friends and I would be devastated if I asked her out, she rejected me, and it ruined the friendship (TBH, she's probably the closest I've ever gotten to someone other than my parents). I've pretty much "gotten over her" since it's basically not feasible (plus she likes another guy).

I see you're being chickenshit again. What's there to be afraid of?

That said, if you know she like another guy, yeah it won't be a good time to approach her at this point. Just hang back and observe the situation, see how it goes.