Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

...

Er... thanks for the review?

Hey, when Satashi reviews, Satashi, REVIEWS! XD

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

Hey, when Satashi reviews, Satashi, REVIEWS! XD

Well, I know, but still. It feels kind of weird.

[00-Raiser]

You know when Satashi is really into something when she leaves a review

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

...

Er... thanks for the review?

Yes, you're welcome :P

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

Hey, when Satashi reviews, Satashi, REVIEWS! XD

QFT!

I've only left a few, but I feel that if something makes me want to review it, I should give it my best to show how much I appreciate the story ^_^

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Well, I know, but still. It feels kind of weird.

Special Review for RB:
I like, more please <3

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

You know when Satashi is really into something when she leaves a review

@////@ I got called out on it! *hides*

[deathcurse]

Thanks for the insightful review ^^. I'll try to answer/comment on some things, but some things are still under wraps because the development hasn't quite reached that point yet...

First of all though, I want to express my thoughts on the "canon"-ness of the Logs: RB may disagree with me, but when we created the idea I wanted Fate and Nanoha to fit the standard, archetypal roles of the buddy-cop formula: Straight cop and Violent cop. Beyond that, I was making up details as we go to flesh out our plot-ideas, not for the sake of staying true to the canon characters . (I think it's known that I personally don't care much for staying entirely true to canon , but that's just my personal preference).

dc's opinion: So basically, we're writing a fun story with Nanoha shout-outs, but "canon" references are only for laughs or for plot purposes.

Originally Posted by Satashi

@Daily Activity Log of Officers F. Testarossa and N. Takamachi

Okay, time to do it right and leave a good review.

First impression was already stated way back when. I enjoy how the two play off each other all the time. Its clear they're good partners, but I wish I had a little more development for that. My main thing so far is "What exactly are the two girls?" I may have missed it a section that explained it, so if I'm wrong here, feel free to ignore this next part:

This is a good point , but it will be covered later on (very slowly though...I seem to have convinced RB to go with tantalizing details per Log that only add up later on !) So right now, blink and miss the hints of their standing with each other.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Nanoha made comments about wanting sex from Fate since she's doing dirty work in the sewers. I know some people joke about it, but seriously, calling your partner and saying "you owe me sex" makes me think of them as a couple. Even if I could look past that, there's the part where Nanoha thinks "No, Fate will give me the hot wild erotic sex". So Nanoha wants to screw her? She made that quite clear, and there's no reason to joke in her own mind. But they've never slept in the same bed before until just then? Also, Fate said that Nanoha buttoned her pajama shirt to show cleavage? Nanoha clearly wants it, but I've seen no development (other than a kiss that was left open). Now I'm not saying "make it clear" or "add more NanoFate!" because I think that would take away from things, but something to kind of clarify would be nice. At least one of them thinking something like "Its kind of cold without Nanoha/Fate next to me for some reason" next time they get in bed. As before, I might have missed a part so if I did and you did something about this, please let me know?

The ambiguity is done on purpose , and it will be touched upon later on.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Also, I kind of want to see something more that connects the girls to their cannon selves. Little things, like Nanoha customizing her gun (I sent a little doodle of a gun she may use." Same with Fate. Not much, but some kind of personalized thing that connects them. Nanoha nicknaming her favorite weapon "R. Heart" or Fate calling her pistol "Bardiche" or mention their sleep clothes being what they wore in Strikers. Something, anything that connects them more. Because their personalities are completely different than canon, I'd love to see something like this. Though I did like Nanoha saying she hated not being able to see the sky. More things like that would be very welcome.

I'm iffy on this point , since as stated above, I personally don't care a lot for sticking to canon. Maybe RB can comment on this .

Originally Posted by Satashi

Nanoha: I won't lie, she's my favorite character here. Her personality is like a child, and it makes me giggle when she does the things she does ( you owe me sex for this!!!). Now we just need her to blow something up and say "But I was really angry and wanted to make a big boom-boom and I feel so much better noooow!" XP I'm hoping that Nanoha ends up with Vivio after all of this. Or even all three of them. That would be simply amazing to have the two adults trying to take care of three/four kids.

What happens to the kids may not be what everyone would like, but as the story is about the "Daily Activity Logs" of "Officers Fate and Nanoha", the kids technically aren't central to the story. But they will still appear and be involved later on.

Case Files: Runaways is a story arc, but the focus of the series is Nanoha and Fate's cop adventures .

Originally Posted by Satashi

Fate: I don't know what to make of her really. She's awesome with Nanoha, shows her love for kids just right, and generally is an all around "Good cop". As I said before, I wish she was more like her canon self at times. So far she's the character that I can honestly say "insert any character in the series here and it'll work just fine." Little more Fate- moments please (But give Nanoha more screen time :P )

Duly noted, thanks ^^. I'm surprised at this statement though, as this story arc to me seems to explore and hint more at Fate's past, thoughts and character than Nanoha's....

Originally Posted by Satashi

Caro: She really throws me off. She acts like a rich girl run away, but at times she seems like a street kid through and through. I can't wait to see where she goes. I do like her personality, though, and she seems the most in character out of all of them (save Vivio).

Erio: He's alive, don't deny it.

Vivio: She's my second fave character, and only 'cause she doesn't have much time yet. I'm a little biased here maybe ( *looks at avatar and signature -Thanks Evil Rick!*). She's perfect for a little girl. She seems like any small child who grew up like she did. She gives a nice comic relief, and having Lutecia wrapped around her tiny little finger only makes her more lovable. I really hope Nanoha gets to hug her soon. Or at least have her eat a cook, Ra knows she needs ones.

@Lutecia:Good character, but I can't see her as anything remotely like Lutecia. A good AU will have some connections. I recalled seeing a small, very small, description of her and that was it. You're counting on us knowing what she looks like, which is fine, but you need to connect her to the story more. You said she used to torture people, and she won't hesitate to kill, right? Then why not do something like having tattoos on her forehead resembling the marks in the anime? If she got them willingly or not is up to you, but its something to connect her. Also her hairbands in the anime could have been made for her by Vivio when she got her hands on some cloth or something. It would add a little bit of "oomph" to her to make her more like her original self, but not taking away anything from the character you have her as.

@kids in general: I love them, and I can't wait to see more back story on them. They're all really close, so I hope you give some story on them soon. They're a mystery now and I'd really like to see them develop and know how they became like they are. I mean, any set of kids can be friends when living off the streets and in the sewers, but those three seem closer than that. I have no real complaints on them as a whole other than "they need back story" but that's a given because they JUST appeared.

Interesting points, I shall smile knowingly at most of them . Interesting comments on the tattoos though, I will have to think of some suitably angsty and tragic reasons for some of the holes you mentioned ! ^^

Originally Posted by Satashi

Over all, I only saw a few mistakes. I think Nanoha called Fate "Fate" once without the "-chan". I could be mistaken, though. I didn't notice any spelling mistakes, but I didn't look for them. The detail for their surroundings seem a little lacking for me, and you use some terminology that I don't know. That's understandable, though, and the context revealed what it was. An example would be the flash-bangs (I think that's how you called them out). I knew it was a flash grenade because I play metal gear, but for a moment, I had a "WTF?" reaction. I don't think its a problem, as long as you don't go overboard on it.

Nanoha's slip of tongue may be just my bad editing , or it may have been done on purpose to show something, I'll have to check @_@. I apologize for the jargon , I do quick research on the technical stuff and should maybe make a few notes as author's notes or something . I wanted the police-parts to feel authentic . Thanks for pointing it out.

Originally Posted by Satashi

My only advice/request on the general writing would be to add some more detail to what's going on. At times it was perfect ( Nanoha walking in the sewers was done perfectly), but other times it seemed lacking (Nanoha's apartment for one. I have no idea what her bed looks like, what's on her walls, how she keeps the place, how it smells, ect. It can really develop a character there!).

True, it didn't seem important at the time, but this may come up at a later point .

Originally Posted by Satashi

Also, I'd like it if you linked all your previous posts when you update, like I do when I write multiple part fics. It'd really make it easier to keep up with it, and for the new people reading, it would allow them to pick up the series.

Ah, okay , I'm just worried that soon we'll have a huge list of links that would clutter up the posts . Will discuss with RB ^^.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Well, as always, this was just my two cents worth. Feel free to ignore all of it if you want to. This is my official review on Daily Activity Log of Officers F. Testarossa and N. Takamachi, and I give its current progress 3.5 of five stars.

~Satashi

Thanks for taking the time to do an in-depth review, I hope I answered some of your comments .

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by deathcurse

dc's opinion: So basically, we're writing a fun story with Nanoha shout-outs, but "canon" references are only for laughs or for plot purposes.

RB's opinion: I'm going to have to back DC up on this. We never planned for this story to be linked to canon in any way. What's the point of calling it an AU if you try to link the characters to who they are in canon? It takes all the fun out of developing them and seeing what they can become with a new world and a new storyline. Otherwise, canon references are either for laughs or serve as plot points.

I'm iffy on this point , since as stated above, I personally don't care a lot for sticking to canon. Maybe RB can comment on this .

I don't care for sticking to canon, either. I'm having a lot of fun with this project just the way it is.

Interesting points, I shall smile knowingly at most of them . Interesting comments on the tattoos though, I will have to think of some suitably angsty and tragic reasons for some of the holes you mentioned ! ^^

I'm going to be blunt and say no. Hell no, no way, no tattoos. End of discussion on my end.

[deathcurse]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I'm going to be blunt and say no. Hell no, no way, no tattoos. End of discussion on my end.

Aw, not even if they were marks per kill? Kill 100 people, get a tattoo?

I'm just kidding , since I had no opinion, I'll be in RB's camp .

[Satashi]

All of reviews are just opinions, so its fine by me for you to keep going teh way you are :3 I enjoy the story lots just as it is <3

as for the canon thing, I didn't mean more than little winks and nods at it, so again you'll be fine ^^

[RadiantBeam]

Don't mind me, I just have a strong opinion of tattoos. I can understand if it's part of a plot device or something, but labelling the kids because of the number of people they've killed? They're already going to probably need years of therapy just to get back to a normal childlike mindset, they don't need a constant reminder like a tattoo.

[deathcurse]

Originally Posted by Satashi

All of reviews are just opinions, so its fine by me for you to keep going teh way you are :3 I enjoy the story lots just as it is <3

as for the canon thing, I didn't mean more than little winks and nods at it, so again you'll be fine ^^

Thanks for reviewing though, it's nice to see that people are thinking about what's happening . I love throwing little hints here and there, and I'm impressed that you picked up on many of them ^^.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Don't mind me, I just have a strong opinion of tattoos. I can understand if it's part of a plot device or something, but labelling the kids because of the number of people they've killed? They're already going to probably need years of therapy just to get back to a normal childlike mindset, they don't need a constant reminder like a tattoo.

That's why Jail's evil, dear .

That is true, we should at least attempt to keep the angst level from being astronomically high, huh?

[deathcurse]

Double post, sorry .

I added links to the last update of Daily Activity Logs, for those who want to read the previous ones.

Here they are for those who don't want to go back

Spoiler for Logs Archive:

The Logs are posted here in the stories' chronological order, not the posting order.

Between Logs #2 and #3 there is a time jump, but there are more logs filling in that missing month ^^ (hence the #2.1, etc.)

Log #1: Jan-1-20XX
Log #2: Jan-2-20XX
Log #2.1: Jan-3-20XX

Log #3: Feb-1-20XX, Case File: Runaways
Log #4: Feb-2-20XX, Case File: Runaways, part 2

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by deathcurse

That's why Jail's evil, dear .

He's not evil! He's just misunderstood DX really really really really really misunderstood.

@Satashi: *clears throat* HOLY SHIZNAZ. Pity I've never written anything you've enjoyed enough to warrant that.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

@Satashi: *clears throat* HOLY SHIZNAZ. Pity I've never written anything you've enjoyed enough to warrant that.

If you write something new or update it, I'll try to write a review like that for you if you want, Shiny. :3

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

If you write something new or update it, I'll try to write a review like that for you if you want, Shiny. :3

Oh dear now I have a reason to write again. Though I'll have to ask you to be gentle when the time comes, I bruise easily.

[Thunderbird]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Oh dear now I have a reason to write again. Though I'll have to ask you to be gentle when the time comes, I bruise easily.

We all have reasons to write hehe. Sometimes its just waiting to invade our minds. You know, like having Chrono and Yuuno-- *shot*

[Alavon]

Version Draft

My Guardian Angel

Section 3 (part 3) of Chapter 3:

Spoiler:

I blinked.

Laughing in disbelief, I replied, “Last time I checked, humans can't fly.”

Knight Fate finally looked at me funny and I couldn't help but notice the playful glint in her burgundy eyes. Before I could point it out, Fate walked behind and grabbed my shoulders.

She sighed.

“I guess we better change that thought, now shall we?”

And I was pushed off the cliff.

“OH MY GOD!!!” I screamed, flapping my arms like a bird but to no avail. Instead my movements made me spin violently around in somersaults making the world swirl non-stop; sky, land, sky, land, sky and so on and so forth.

“I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!” I cried, my heartbeat beating hard against my chest. I closed my eyes and prayed that it would at least be a fast and painless death-

Who am I kidding! I don't want to die!

“HEEEELP!!!!”

I swear, if that girl ever dies and for some strange reason comes to heaven, I will personally kick her out!

I said one last prayer and braced for impact...

…

…

...

...that never came.

Instead, I felt warm arms grab me gently and a sudden gush of wind made my hair and habit flap in the air for a brief moment. I was breathing rapidly, tears sliding down my cold cheeks, waiting for the inevitable. After realizing that, I was indeed alive, I slowly opened one of my eyes and saw, to my astonishment, Knight Fate carrying me in mid-air.

We were really flying!

“Oh...wow...” I croaked, shaking.

“Do you really think I would let you fall?” said Knight Fate, gliding down to the ground.

I was at a loss of words and I just gulped and nodded, too scared to open my mouth just in case I threw up all over myself and her. It only took less then a minute and when Knight Fate touched the ground, a cloud of dust swirled away from us and...it was over.

But not for Knight Fate.

“I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!” I screamed then pounced, slamming us down to the ground. My hands went immediately to her neck and I began to squeeze the life out of her! “I ALMOST HAD A HEARTATTACK! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, THROWING ME OVER THE CLIFF! YOU REALLY HAVE NO BRAINS, DO YOU!!!???”

Knight Fate began to laugh and croaked, “T-t-hat's...cough...t-the...cough...s-s-s-spi-i-irit...”

It took Knight Fate three minutes to successfully pull me away, but not without getting a black eye...which...in truth...I didn't mean to give. When Knight Fate had me pinned down to the ground, she began to rub her bruised neck, coughing occasionally.

“I guess it doesn't matter who you are,” said Knight Fate, finally letting me go. “When one is at the brink of death, God exists...”

Brushing off some dirt off my already dirty habit, I answered back angrily, “And what does that suppose to mean?”

“You wanted to kill me,” said Knight Fate in a matter-of-fact tone , touching her neck and looking at me up and down..

I frowned and said to her, “You had it coming...” I stopped and then gasped, realizing my error.

“God, please-

“'-forgive me for hurting someone?'” finished Knight Fate, walking towards me, slowly.

I just stared.

Knight Fate looked at me for a long time before speaking again, “So, as long as you ask God for forgiveness, any actions you did beforehand, does not matter?”

I took a step back. What is she trying to say?

“I'm quite impress by your fighting spirit, Nanohana-”

“Nanoha...”

“-Nanoha but don't you think that it's...morally wrong?”

I opened my mouth and when no words came out, I closed it. Knight Fate gave me one last look and then she shook her head, turning away from me.

“Because you impressed me just now, let me give you a friendly piece of advice. Remember this, Nanaho-”

“Nanoha...”

“-Nanoha. Your God won't always be there for you...”

I didn't answer, her words still echoing loudly in my head.

Why do I have a feeling that this will come and haunt me later...?

"Come on! I don't have all day. I want some booze, food, and your ugly face out of my life!"

And just when she said something interesting, she went and opened her foul mouth...

[deathcurse]

Originally Posted by Alavon

Version Draft

My Guardian Angel

Section 3 (part 3) of Chapter 3:

Spoiler:

I blinked.

Laughing in disbelief, I replied, “Last time I checked, humans can't fly.”

Knight Fate finally looked at me funny and I couldn't help but notice the playful glint in her burgundy eyes. Before I could point it out, Fate walked behind and grabbed my shoulders.

She sighed.

“I guess we better change that thought, now shall we?”

And I was pushed off the cliff.

“OH MY GOD!!!” I screamed, flapping my arms like a bird but to no avail. Instead my movements made me spin violently around in somersaults making the world swirl non-stop; sky, land, sky, land, sky and so on and so forth.

“I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!” I cried, my heartbeat beating hard against my chest. I closed my eyes and prayed that it would at least be a fast and painless death-

Who am I kidding! I don't want to die!

“HEEEELP!!!!”

I swear, if that girl ever dies and for some strange reason comes to heaven, I will personally kick her out!

I said one last prayer and braced for impact...

…

…

...

...that never came.

Instead, I felt warm arms grab me gently and a sudden gush of wind made my hair and habit flap in the air for a brief moment. I was breathing rapidly, tears sliding down my cold cheeks, waiting for the inevitable. After realizing that, I was indeed alive, I slowly opened one of my eyes and saw, to my astonishment, Knight Fate carrying me in mid-air.

We were really flying!

“Oh...wow...” I croaked, shaking.

“Do you really think I would let you fall?” said Knight Fate, gliding down to the ground.

I was at a loss of words and I just gulped and nodded, too scared to open my mouth just in case I threw up all over myself and her. It only took less then a minute and when Knight Fate touched the ground, a cloud of dust swirled away from us and...it was over.

But not for Knight Fate.

“I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!” I screamed then pounced, slamming us down to the ground. My hands went immediately to her neck and I began to squeeze the life out of her! “I ALMOST HAD A HEARTATTACK! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, THROWING ME OVER THE CLIFF! YOU REALLY HAVE NO BRAINS, DO YOU!!!???”

Knight Fate began to laugh and croaked, “T-t-hat's...cough...t-the...cough...s-s-s-spi-i-irit...”

It took Knight Fate three minutes to successfully pull me away, but not without getting a black eye...which...in truth...I didn't mean to give. When Knight Fate had me pinned down to the ground, she began to rub her bruised neck, coughing occasionally.

“I guess it doesn't matter who you are,” said Knight Fate, finally letting me go. “When one is at the brink of death, God exists...”

Brushing off some dirt off my already dirty habit, I answered back angrily, “And what does that suppose to mean?”

“You wanted to kill me,” said Knight Fate in a matter-of-fact tone , touching her neck and looking at me up and down..

I frowned and said to her, “You had it coming...” I stopped and then gasped, realizing my error.

“God, please-

“'-forgive me for hurting someone?'” finished Knight Fate, walking towards me, slowly.

I just stared.

Knight Fate looked at me for a long time before speaking again, “So, as long as you ask God for forgiveness, any actions you did beforehand, does not matter?”

I took a step back. What is she trying to say?

“I'm quite impress by your fighting spirit, Nanohana-”

“Nanoha...”

“-Nanoha but don't you think that it's...morally wrong?”

I opened my mouth and when no words came out, I closed it. Knight Fate gave me one last look and then she shook her head, turning away from me.

“Because you impressed me just now, let me give you a friendly piece of advice. Remember this, Nanaho-”

“Nanoha...”

“-Nanoha. Your God won't always be there for you...”

I didn't answer, her words still echoing loudly in my head.

Why do I have a feeling that this will come and haunt me later...?

"Come on! I don't have all day. I want some booze, food, and your ugly face out of my life!"

And just when she said something interesting, she went and opened her foul mouth...

I didn't read your previous parts, but just reading this made me go

Fate seems so....subtly threatening and evil , and Nanoha seems high-strung . The flying incident was amusing ^^!

[Alavon]

Originally Posted by deathcurse

I didn't read your previous parts, but just reading this made me go

Fate seems so....subtly threatening and evil , and Nanoha seems high-strung . The flying incident was amusing ^^!

Thank you! ^^ Here is the first two parts (it pretty much gives a summary for the last two chapters). And I hope that you and RB update soon!

[Rising Dragon]

I'm picturing Nanoha strangling Fate a la Homer Simpson strangling Bart. I cannot unsee it.

[TheShinySword]

And now i'm picturing it. Great.