The Genderbending of Haruhi Suzumiya [Spoilers Aplenty]

[Aebliss]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Seventh, Day 6, Memories: Flashes in Space (Boredom):

Flashes in Space- (Boredom)

The following is a story from early June:


FLASH


I kick open the door. And by “kick open”, I mean “re-reuse the same gag repeatedly in order to get weak chuckles”.

Where was I...?

Right, I was kicking open the door, to be greeted by everyone's surprised faces. Well, Kyon looked more pissed than surprised, but that was pretty normal.

Maybe THIS news will put a smile on your face!

I waved around the flier that had inspired this week's stupid idea:

“Good news everyone! I entered us in a baseball tournament!”

In the room, silence was elected as king.

Chirp, chirp.

“Um...” Mitsuuru-kun, dressed in an adorable butler outfit that cost me two months allowance, was the first to say anything. Not that what he said actually contributed anything, of course.

Kyon looked around at each of the others in turn, noticed that they weren't going to say a word, sighed, and then responded to me, who was still grinning widely and thrusting my flier at the rest of them.

“...What did you say you had entered us in?”

I handed her the flier.

“The Ninth City Amatuer Baseball Tournament, huh? So, who's entering this?”

Man, I just covered this. Also, I thought you liked baseball. You should be more excited about this!

“Us, of course! Also, we'll need to find four more people.”

Kyon and I argued for a bit, but I had made up my mind before I had even re-reused the same gag repeatedly in order to get weak chuckles. We're going to be awesome and win this tournament if it's the last thing we do! Even though we don't have any equipment, talent, or motivation, we're going to win the tournament!

And hey, even if we don't, at least we had fun trying, right?

That's what I'd say if I were an ordinary person, but I'm Haruki Suzumiya! We will win against all odds or expectations! I, with my ragtag group of heroes, will conquer adversity and then hang it by its dainty little neck!

(Insert maniacal laughter here. I'm so cool.)

Why baseball, you ask? Well, it's simply because I found this flyer lying around... and I guess I was just bored.

And when I'm bored, people suffer.


FLASH


I tried stealing equipment from the baseball team, but that didn't end very well. Pah.

When I got back to the clubroom, Kyon confronted me about our complete lack of preparation, especially considering that the tournament was in two days.

I just told her to find whoever she wanted for members. I only require background characters for a mission like this anyway, so she's sure to pick The Whore and The Slut, and probably a couple of our other classmates too.

In the meantime... how can I get my minions trained and equipped for battle? This is a dilemma indeed.

In a situation like this, looking out the window like you pretend you know what you're doing is always a good solution.

Hmm... there's a couple of the sports clubs practising... a couple making out where they think no one can see them... a delinquent-looking girl on the roof taking a drag... wait, sports clubs?

What seems to be the girl's softball team is currently using up the baseball diamond.

Kuku, I do believe I have a plan.

“Then... let us begin our training! We start now!”

(Insert Kyon-rant about how fail this whole idea is.) I hopefully quieted her with this:

“Which is exactly why I have formulated my new plan!”

“What plan?”

I pointed dramatically at the softball team in the distance.


FLASH


I walked up to their captain with my retinue in tow. She knew who I was, and guarded herself accordingly.

“...And that's the story! So, let us use your equipment and the track field!” I yelled.

The captain looked at me funny. “Um... You didn't tell us any story to begin with. You just came over here and (the rest is cut because I don't care).”

Honestly, she doesn't have the right to talk. Please? Girls? Playing baseball? They should go back to water polo and beach volleyball. Sigh... I'll have to make it more obvious... why do I always have to deal with idiots?

“Exactly!” I boomed. “Which is why I propose a trade!” I grabbed the suit-clad Mitsuuru-kun and shoved him in the softball team's faces. “One, high-quality butler for your softball equipment! Sure, he still needs a bit of house training, but soon he'll be accustomed to all your needs, however perverted they might be!”

Bwa ha ha, no girl could resist something this adorable. Come on, Mitsuuru-kun. Make a cute pose for everyone. No, I'm not actually planning to trade you away, I'll just steal you back when they're not looking. There's no need to fear being raped by actually I could film that and make lots of money. Maybe I'll let them have you for a few days, eh?

The softball team, meanwhile, looked on in disbelief. Or arousal, I couldn't tell.

Someone touched my arm softly. It was Kyon.

“Hmm? What is it? Can't you see I'm trying to conduct a business transaction here?”

She averted her gaze. “Please, just... let me deal with this... So stop, okay...?”

...
...
...That. I can't say no to that face of hers.

“W-well, I suppose if you can offer something better than this fine specimen, sure, you can...”

Kyon took the softball team off into the distance, where I couldn't see them clearly.

...What is she doing...?

Gasp! Could she be servicing them in Mitsuuru-kun's place!? God damn it, I'm going over there! I want--

Koizumi-san grabbed me by the arms. “I don't think you should interrupt them when they're discussing important things, Suzumiya-san!”

You're right, Koizumi-san. I'm sorry. I'll try to restrain myself in future.

This resolve didn't last very long, since the first thing I said to Kyon when she got back was “That didn't take long. Did you offer them your body!?” For that, I received a foot to the shin.

And then we had a training montage, in which I hit a thousand balls, Mitsuuru-kun went to the Nurse's Office, and we became the best team ever.


FLASH


This isn't going the way I'd hoped at all.

I mean, sure, Mitsuuru-kun brought in this guy from his class named Tsuruya... he was almost as big as I was, and he, too, seemed to regard Mitsuuru-kun as an interesting diversion. I initially thought that a new challenger had appeared, but within ten minutes we were best friends, even calling each other “Haru-kun” and “Tsuu-kun”. He's that kind of guy.

And The Whore and The Slut were there, as expected... fortunately, Tsuu-kun attracted most of their attention, so for once they weren't making mournful eyes at me and wishing I had a personality they could approve of. ...I still pinched Taniguchi's ass as I walked by, though, just to piss her off.

No, the real problem was that Kyon had brought her little brother along in lieu of someone would could actually play softball without being laughed at.

"Exactly what were you on?” I yelled at her. “Look at that thing, you're actually going to let him play baseball?" You're a terrible sibling!

But, in the end, there wasn't anyone else, so we had to use the little-- well, he's kind of cool in a way. He reminds me of myself when I was his age. Don't you worry, Kyon! I'll be sure to be a terrible influence on him, and he'll soon grow up to be exactly like me. This is part of my master plan to surround you with clones of myself so that when it comes time to get married, you'll definitely choose me, hahahahaha!

What a delicious plan. But the plan that's happening right now is in jeopardy thanks to a small child! Damn children! Always getting in my way!


FLASH


Our opponents are decided by random draw, so I figure, with my luck, we out to get pansy teams the whole way through the tournament, right?

Hah, and I was right! We got the local college softball team, the Kamigahara Somethings. They're all girls.

They'll never stand up to our manly team of might that is composed of over half men! I explained this to Kyon, who was wearing an apprehensive expression. I wanted to give her a hug, but I restrained myself.

FLASH

...

This sucks.

We are losing. To a team of girls.

It's all Mitsuuru-kun's fault.

God this sucks. Really, really, sucks.


FLASH


We need more motivation, so I dragged Kyon behind the bleachers and tried to suggest that she wear this cheerleading outfit I procured yesterday for just such an eventuality. (Big words are fun.)

“No.”

Well, that didn't work. Hmm.

I dragged Mitsuuru behind the bleachers instead, and broraped him and myself into male cheerleading uniforms.

“Listen to our song!” I shouted to everyone who would listen. This wonderful performance ought to give our team some proper motivation!

...There's no way this is gonna work...


FLASH


It... actually did...?

Somehow, as a result of seeing us both look like total morons, even people like Kyon's Brother and The Slut, who formerly couldn't hit crap, were hitting them way out of the park!

Holy crap this is awesome! Such is the power of motivation! Even I felt it.... it was like that bat was swinging all by itself! Man, I'm good!


FLASH


Unfortunately, our motivation was flagging, as was our general performance. Just as I was about to have Mitsuuru-kun and myself start cheering again, I felt a hand touch my arm again.

“Hmm? What is it? Do you wanna wear that cheerleader uniform after all?” After all, I bought it for you.

Kyon shifted nervously and kept stealing glances at me. ...I knew she was trying to be cute on purpose, but I didn't care.

“Hey, um, Haruki... will you let me pitch, please? Despite how I look, I'm actually pretty good at baseball. Unless, of course, you don't think I'm good enough to replace someone as, um... strong and, um, powerful... as you...”

...What is this? It's like... A feeling... she's so obviously just trying to get something out of me, since she's a horrible actor, but... I feel so... lightheaded...

“Of course you can pitch, Kyon!” I clap her on the shoulder, and she winces. I'm not going to let her get away with just taking my spot for free, though. “But you have to wear this cheerleader's uniform while doing so.”

I almost said 'And I get to watch you change into it', but I decided to be mature for once.

Five minutes later, as I was helping Yuuki change into the catcher's gear, Kyon exited the nearby portable washroom and walked over the pitchers mound, blushing furiously.

“Hey, be sure to say 'Fight on~!' every once in a while!”

She threw a practice pitch... straight at my head.


FLASH


Somehow, we won, through the power of cheerleading, friendship, and my excellent leadership.

Well, actually it was because Kyon is somehow the greatest pitcher alive, and Yuuki can throw a ball at five billion kilometers per hour. But I digress.

I was all pumped to go on to our next match, but...

“Isn't this enough? You've had your fun, right?” Kyon was being cute again in her cheerleader uniform, and this time she wasn't faking it.

...Sure, whatever. We're done. Koizumi-san left to what she said was 'family issues', so I would have had to drag in some random schmoe from the audience anyway.

And then we all went to a restaurant and lived happily ever after.

FLASH


I'm bored!

I kicked open the door and was greeted by everyone's surprised faces. Well, Kyon looked more pissed than surprised, but that was pretty normal.

Maybe THIS news will put a smile on your face!

I waved around the fliers that had inspired this week's stupid idea:

“I found something else for us to do, guys! Should it be soccer, or American football?”

When I'm around, the fun never stops! Just so long as I don't have something to do!

But really now. Is it too much to ask for you guys to keep me entertained? What else do I keep you around for?

Besides you, Kyon. I'll never get bored of you.

That was a fun flashback ... though I'm feeling a bit leery of the nicknames you have Haruki bestow on Taniguchi and Kunikida. Doesn't he usually just ignore them, rather than demean them? And pinching Taniguchi on the bum ... *waggles hand* I can't quite see it. It'd be a pretty low act for Haruki, in my opinion.

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by Aebliss

It'd be a pretty low act for Haruki, in my opinion.

Have you seen the way he treats women in general? Like he says, he only does that to piss her off. He's like those guys in junior high who snapped bras because they got a kick out of it.

Haruki is not a good person. I don't know where you got the idea that he is.

He gets BETTER after Sighs, but... right now, and especially after the high he's coming down off of post-Melancholy, he's a huge, huge, asshole.

[edkedkedk]

What a deliciously fun flashback!

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Haruki is not a good person. I don't know where you got the idea that he is.

He gets BETTER after Sighs, but... right now, and especially after the high he's coming down off of post-Melancholy, he's a huge, huge, asshole.

I'll say. Asshole doesn't even begin to cover his character.

When girls act the way he does, they are called Genki. When guys act the way he does, they get called Asshole. Sad but true

[Joe4evr]

Fun scene, I especially loved the opening line.

Originally Posted by edkedkedk

When girls act the way he does, they are called Genki. When guys act the way he does, they get called Asshole. Sad but true

All part of the Double Standard, which is pretty much what this project is built on.

[s07195]

Double Standard FTW, then.
I was wondering what Kyonko and the girls were talking about, but I was smart enough to check Baka-Tsuki for the re-write.
Great Haruki's point of view though.
Dammit Haruki you perv!

[Roger Rambo]

Originally Posted by Aebliss

And pinching Taniguchi on the bum ... *waggles hand* I can't quite see it. It'd be a pretty low act for Haruki, in my opinion.

Given Haruki's whole perverted asshole routine, this doesn't seem that ooc.

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Have you seen the way he treats women in general? Like he says, he only does that to piss her off. He's like those guys in junior high who snapped bras because they got a kick out of it.

Haruki is not a good person. I don't know where you got the idea that he is.

Well yeah. Haruki is a dick. REALLY big dick...though I'm not sure hise dickery stems from categorizing people like Taniguchi as "whores". He honestly never came off as caring enough about normal people like her to feel anything but annoyance. Haruki just doesn't seem emotionally invested enough in regular people to be vindictive enough to routinely think of her like that. Maybe he'd occasionally upgrade her to bitch if she was being particularly annoying, but Haruki honestly doesn't seem like he cares enough about Taniguchi for that.

And it really doesn't make sense for Kunikida...who has barely interacted with Haruki.

[bhl88]

I'll be sure to be a terrible influence on him, and he'll soon grow up to be exactly like me. This is part of my master plan to surround you with clones of myself so that when it comes time to get married, you'll definitely choose me, hahahahaha!

lol would the CG have a bubble on top of Haruki's head with his little bro looking like Haruki?

[Roger Rambo]

Originally Posted by bhl88

lol would the CG have a bubble on top of Haruki's head with his little bro looking like Haruki?

Ok, I did find this amusing.


Hmmm, I wonder what Haruki's thoughts will be when we get to Bamboo leaf...

edit:I'm thinking specifically of the wishes that Shaoran put in his version of Bamboo leaf...

Spoiler for bamboo leaf:

"I want a rich good looking husband."

"I want a detached house with a garden where I can give a dog a bath"

[GDB]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Spoiler for September the Seventh, Day 6, Memories: Flashes in Space (Boredom):

What a delicious plan. But the plan that's happening right now is in jeopardy thanks to a small child! Damn children! Always getting in my way!

This spot is so ripe for a Scooby Doo parody.

[swtrooper42]

And we would have won the game if it weren't for you meddling kids and your reality hacking alien!

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by Roger Rambo

Well yeah. Haruki is a dick. REALLY big dick...though I'm not sure hise dickery stems from categorizing people like Taniguchi as "whores". He honestly never came off as caring enough about normal people like her to feel anything but annoyance. Haruki just doesn't seem emotionally invested enough in regular people to be vindictive enough to routinely think of her like that. Maybe he'd occasionally upgrade her to bitch if she was being particularly annoying, but Haruki honestly doesn't seem like he cares enough about Taniguchi for that.

Haruhi considers Taniguchi a stalker, and has spoken out against him on multiple occasions. Here, Tani-chan is the reason Haruki really started to hate women. (lol five minutes)

Originally Posted by Roger Rambo

And it really doesn't make sense for Kunikida...who has barely interacted with Haruki.

He condemns her by association, as well as her fangirling over anything remotely attractive. If Kyonko wasn't part of his brigade/he wasn't in love with her, he'd probably refer to her as "That Bitch Kyon".

Originally Posted by Joe4evr

All part of the Double Standard, which is pretty much what this project is built on.

Although in this case it's less speaking out against the preferential treatment of men as it is against the preferential treatment of women.

You'll notice that Haruhi gets away with treating men like dirt and generally being a giant, needy bitch, simply because she's cute. I don't particularly like this, so...

Originally Posted by bhl88

lol would the CG have a bubble on top of Haruki's head with his little bro looking like Haruki?

I like this. Let's do that.

Originally Posted by Roger Rambo

Hmmm, I wonder what Haruki's thoughts will be when we get to Bamboo leaf...

We're not doing the present-day part of Bamboo Leaf, since it isn't important in the least. I already did the 3YA bit, and I'd consider Mysterique Sign a lot more fun to write about anyway.

Originally Posted by GDB

This spot is so ripe for a Scooby Doo parody.

I try to avoid mentioning Western cartoons too much, since I doubt Haruki would have heard of them.

[Aebliss]

You can't really count on Haruhi/Haruki being unaware of anything even remotely fun ...

[luap1138]

Once again, you have written an amazing Haruki memory scene. It was both absolutely hilarious and very revealing of Haruki's (and by extension, Haruhi's) character. In fact, I'm guessing thats part of the point of the Memory scenes; to give the reader insight into how Haruki's mind works.

Anyway, great scene.

[Roger Rambo]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Haruhi considers Taniguchi a stalker, and has spoken out against him on multiple occasions.

Well yeah. But I wouldn't have thought of Haruhi hating (or even caring) enough about Taniguchi to warrant those kinds of strong feelings. Generally you don't think of someone casually like that unless you seriously got a big fucking mad on towards them. This goes way beyond disliking someone, or equating this with potatoes.

If you dislike someone this much, you're not gonna want to even be around them.

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

Here, Tani-chan is the reason Haruki
really started to hate women. (lol five minutes)

I have a hard time seeing Haruki being spectacularly more offended by Taniguchi's antics than Haruhi was...unless Female Taniguchi is stupendously more annoying than Male Taniguchi...which is a vibe I haven't gotten.

Due to gender bias, you'd expect the chick to be given a higher tolerance for shenanigans.

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

He condemns her by association, as well as her fangirling over anything remotely attractive. If Kyonko wasn't part of his brigade/he wasn't in love with her, he'd probably refer to her as "That Bitch Kyon".

I guess this is where my interpretation differs. Haruki is a colossal prick who treats other people like crap. But that never seemed because he was personally vindictive about other people by default. It seemed more like he just didn't care about them and considered them a nuisance. Sure he was more directly pissed off if someone was acting as an obstacle towards what he wanted, but other wise it just seemed like he just didn't care.

It also seems to contradict the idea put forward by Koizumi, that Suzumiya not being an inherently malignant individual even when she was in her psycho bitch phase, else reality would probably be a very horrible place.

[Tyabann]

Originally Posted by Roger Rambo

It also seems to contradict the idea put forward by Koizumi, that Suzumiya not being an inherently malignant individual even when she was in her psycho bitch phase, else reality would probably be a very horrible place.

I never said that Haruki was pure evil, but I did say that he most definitely isn't a good person (yet).

But what-fucking-ever. I guess if it offends you that much I can edit it.

[Roger Rambo]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

I never said that Haruki was pure evil, but I did say that he most definitely isn't a good person (yet).

Agreed. By no means a good person. But there are different kinds of "not good persons".

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

But what-fucking-ever. I guess if it offends you that much I can edit it.

...I wasn't trying to come off as pushy, and it's not like it really offended me that much.

[Tyabann]

No, seriously, if you think it's bad I'll change it. That's why I post these up here in the first place.

[Nanao-kun]

Whenever I imagine Haruki laughing, the only thing that comes to mind is Rance. For some odd reason.

[GDB]

Originally Posted by HikariNiwa

Whenever I imagine Haruki laughing, the only thing that comes to mind is Rance. For some odd reason.

Same here, actually. Probably because they both believe they're God's gift to the world, and otherwise have very similar personalities. Doesn't help that their hair color is the same and their eyes look similar.

[Roger Rambo]

Originally Posted by Kaisos Erranon

No, seriously, if you think it's bad I'll change it. That's why I post these up here in the first place.

Alright, cool.

just throwing my 2 cents in.