Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by DKN117

I don't like starting a fic without having my facts straight, only to receive a TORRENT of corrections and "actually"s and "this is wrong"s. I prefer to have everything sorted out and understood before fingers hit the keyboard.

I sympathize with this. At the very least, I like to have the factual setting details down just in case I have some important plot point that's going to turn into a complete wallbanger because the Nanohaverse (or whatever) Does Not Work That Way.

Likewise, when I write a story, I always like to know at the least how it ends and have at least some sense of how I'm going to get there. If it's more than a one or two-shot (and sometimes even then), an outline is a must; for a long fic, I need to write it down just so I don't forget what's coming next!

The #1 way to run into a dead fic or writer's block is to start a story with a general concept and try to work out what actually happens on the fly.

However, that doesn't mean not to write. This is especially true with this forum--you have a lot of people, many talented writers and people knowledgeable in the setting who can comment on what's working and what doesn't. There's a reason I post my draft chapters here before doing the "final" versions for fanfiction.net--to get the benefit of the community here's assistance.

Originally Posted by Kaijo

Gonna tell you this right now: no matter how well you plan, you're gonna mess up something. The good news is, writing really helps you nail down those points. For something like the cyborgs, writing them helps me understand them, their individual personalities, and how they relate to each other. having written all of them now (well, except for Sein who will get more screentime eventually) I pretty much know their personalities. Stuff like the Deed/Otto sister bond, or Dieci's more mellow outlook.

You write, you learn stuff. So get writing, and prepare to have people point things out. It's a good thing, because you'll learn!^^

This is definitely the comment I agree with most in the follow-up. The one thing that planning a story does not teach you is the fine details. Characterization is one of the things that you learn by writing the actual sentences, not the outline or plot sketch. You can only develop a comfort level with personalities by writing them out, expressing through dialogue and action, the line-by-line details that aren't shown in an outline.

Adding to that, writing is one of those things where practice is vital. You can only learn to write by writing, developing the skill of turning ideas into stories. It's always worth something to put words down on paper.

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

I can't really put it better but I'll throw in this. There's a reason people draft before calling something final.

Yep again.

[Kaijo]

Posted chapter 4 of Future Tense to ff.net, so you can find it here. Made the sole correction Raiser pointed out, and added a tiny bit more to a couple of scenes near the end, just to smooth out the scenes a bit.

Due to a brainstorm, been typing chapter 5 all night, and it's almost done, haha. So we'll see whether I can get it out in a couple of days (will definitely need some polishing). But it's going to be a nasty cliffhanger. > : )

[DezoPenguin]

Originally Posted by deathcurse

Man, I wish I knew more about the Materials, since it seems like many people are starting to write fics about them!

I come bearing an update...sorry it's short! My summer class is winding up, so once again I'm very much not studying for my final exam...

Crime Never Sleeps
Revised Part 5 A

Revised Part 1-4A and Revised Part 4B

Spoiler for Crime Never Sleeps, Revised Part 5A:

*snip*

Spoiler for Author's Note:

If anyone recognized the judge's last name , I'm playing a little on Regius and Zest being old friends, and so their family members may have soft spots for each other... Not that it would make much of a difference, but a fun fact for suspicious people to jump on in CNS !

The courtroom procedures are slightly based off of real courts, but for simplicity's sake I'm speeding things along and condensing roles, etc. Alien world's court system, after all! (Thanks Dezo, for pointing out the trouble with my original version of the trial, and for giving me such good feedback on my outlines! )

The rest of the Trial Day 1 will hopefully be finished soon, and be posted under "Revised Part 5B". Hopefully, I can get that out soon because I've got a ton of new scenes that I haven't posted yet!

It's about time I got up and commented on these revised chapters!

Spoiler for Comments on the 1-4 revisions:

First off, I have to say that thus far, this version of the story seems to flow much better. Auris's initial scenes do a better job of introducing her character from her own perspective. And you do a better job of emphasizing the tension between Hayate's actions as a General, as Capitol City Defense Force Commander, and as adviser to Intelligence Oversight Subcommittee and the expectations of her actions as a friend and a heroic character. For example, the little snippet of conversation with Nanoha that Auris overhears, or the brand new Fate/Rein scene (which also got to introduce the GAS Intel Director's name).

(I rather miss the Fate-drives-Hayate-home scene, but I'm assuming that it just got moved to post-Trial Day 1 where it would fit better anyway.)

Another good thing is added in the initial Hayate/Auris conference scene--where Hayate up and asks Auris if Touring was involved in the actual murders of Raven's parents, which would of course be the defense's strongest point (and, well, completely sink the whole "heroic TSAB officer killed in the line of duty" strategy...there's a reason, after all, that clandestine ops are carried out clandestinely...so many of them are not nice). Auris's noncommital response was good, too ("He said he wasn't, and we covered it up anyway so they can't prove it.").

I also note that the Mayor is mentioned early here, in the Fate/Rein scene--this is good, since it adds his name to the reader's awareness early (plus, you're doing so amid other High Muckety-Mucks such as Adviser Fils, so it doesn't have a flashing neon "pay attention here!" sign).

All in all, these revised introductory chapters do a much better job of beginning the story, setting out the initial character concepts, and laying the cast out. And the interview with Raven makes us all want to shoot Auris dead.

One correction to the NSIS conference room scene: you have a "Charlie" speak up mid-scene (I seem to remember that name from one or two of RB's Shadowverse fics, actually), but he wasn't mentioned in the "Auris watched their reactions" paragraph which acts as the roll call for the scene; either he needs to be added there or a sentence or two of introduction should be added when he speaks up.

Spoiler for Comments on Revised 5A:

Likewise, the opening scenes of the trial are definitely improved. The dialogue flows much better, for one thing. Likewise, properly presenting the initial opening statements as opening statements flows better with RL trial procedure (where attorneys present evidence to make their case, only arguing...well, officially arguing, since obviously the whole presentation of evidence is also done in a way to argue the case as is the questioning...at the beginning and end, except at the appellate level). Fate and Nanoha commenting on what they see is good, too, because it shows the reader a commentary on what happened "on-stage" through the eyes of characters we know (plus, it helps frame the analysis of the scene for us, so if there's something in a scene that's going to be important later but which you want to redirect attention away from, these kinds of scenes can help focus reader attention where you want it). Plus it helps to spell out some of the moral conflicts in terms we, the readers, know, through the eyes of the characters.

A couple of mistakes here, though: in the second press report, you state that "The last TSAB officer murder occurred five years ago during the Scaglietti Incident..." Actually, that one sentence contains three apparent mistakes:

(a) It's the "JS Incident," officially.
(b) If it was "five years ago," then Lutecia's only fifteen! I know this story is AU to Shadowverse fanon, but that means that she's only been a Shadow for two years and that Chrono's lost his job at least eight years earlier than in fanon! I think you may have been going for "fifteen years ago" or thereabouts...
(c) I find it hard to believe that the entire TSAB has not lost a single officer in the line of duty over five years, given all the criminal cases they investigate!

One suggestion: You might spend some time in the early paragraphs where the Judge comes in describing the courtroom so the reader gets a visual--in addition, when you describe the jury, you can take the time to point them out as TSAB officers and what their role is, so you can differentiate this Midchildan trial from the kind of trials one has in various Earth systems.

Another point: written cue cards? Would Mid's sci-fi society use such things? I'd assume Jettal would have some sort of communications terminal (like Vivio's in ViVid ch. 1) by which he could organize his notes as well as immediately access case-file details in the trial...

In any case, I'm looking forward eagerly to further revisions and the advancement of the story!

[Comartemis]

I sympathize with this. At the very least, I like to have the factual setting details down just in case I have some important plot point that's going to turn into a complete wallbanger because the Nanohaverse (or whatever) Does Not Work That Way.

Likewise, when I write a story, I always like to know at the least how it ends and have at least some sense of how I'm going to get there. If it's more than a one or two-shot (and sometimes even then), an outline is a must; for a long fic, I need to write it down just so I don't forget what's coming next!

The #1 way to run into a dead fic or writer's block is to start a story with a general concept and try to work out what actually happens on the fly.

Agreed. As a matter of course I keep detailed notes on what the characters are doing, how they're interacting with each other, how they relate to the overall plot and where they are at beginning and the end of the story. Ignore the people who tell you to "just write something!" if you want to write anything worth reading. Drafts are all well and good, but starting a fic without an outline is like going on a cross-country roadtrip without a map.

[00-Raiser]

Well this chapter isn't that long, but it ended at an ideal place. Anyways, here's

The Location of Happiness chapter 3

Previous chapters here.

Spoiler for The Location of Happiness chapter 3:

The commander was reluctant to have a civilian go on patrol, but he eventually consented when informed of Yuuno’s abilities as a mage and Fate gave her reassurance. So now Yuuno was walking through the wasteland along a predetermined path.

Everything was dead save for him. The only sounds were his feet against the rock and the occasional blast of wind rushing past his ears. There were no bird songs or anything of the sort, just utter silence.

Around him was nothing but dirt and sharp rocks, the landscape permanently scorched by some long forgotten battle. The only appealing view was the cloud spotted sky above him, but he had to keep his eyes downwards to watch his footing.

Despite it being the winter months, the sun bared down in full force, causing distant sights to appear wavy and allowing Yuuno to roam in just light clothing.

The relative lack of any sort of external stimulus let his thoughts take center stage and he decided to voice them in an attempt to inject something into the barren environment.

“Well, what now…” He wondered, chuckling derisively. “Here I am out in the middle of nowhere, talking to myself.”

He thought back to the events of the day, particularly his conversations with Fate.

“I should apologise to her again later.” He decided. “I shouldn’t have made her deal with this… Well, I do feel better, but it’s what I do now that’s important. Maybe it’s time I took the initiative in regards to this. If my empty apartment bugs me so much, maybe I should get a pet? Or better yet, maybe I should create a familiar to be my companion. I do have lots of mana reserves I hardly use so I could pull it off. I could ask Fate to help me too.”

He shook his head. “That’s an idea, but it’s not exactly the kind of companionship I’m looking for… I guess a good place to start would be on a guy’s night out.” He mused, referring to how Chrono and his other male friends would often drag him out to bars and clubs and such. “It is an opportune time to meet people, but…” He frowned, recalling the times he had been hit on during those nights. Women would approach him, but upon realising he was a guy, they quickly excused themselves. It should be statistically impossible, but apparently all women he encountered were indeed lesbians. Men would hit on him as well, and run away just as quickly.

“Am I really that girly?” He sighed. There were times when guys that approached him wouldn’t be deterred by his gender, and while Yuuno was flattered, he had to decline. “I’m completely straight, and it’s not like I can flip a switch and become gay. People can’t just choose like that…”

“Using a dating service is also an option.” He went on. “Even if it can be seen as a pathetic desperation attempt, I could swallow my pride and go for it.”

“Just have to keep trying until I get lucky I guess.” Yuuno decided before switching gears. “On the library front, all I can do is accept that I’m not needed anymore. Maybe I should take the chance and do some travelling? If I don’t get invited to dig sites, maybe I’ll get back to searching for my own? Or I could get back into contact with my clan. Even if few remember me, I could still be useful. Maybe I can teach the younger ones in the ways of the tribe?”

“There’s plenty that I could do.” He said with a slight smile. “I should stop feeling sorry for myself and go out and do them. But for right now I’ll help Fate with this case.”

Pleased he had devised potential courses of action, he continued his patrol in silence. He reached the top of an embankment which he remembered being the point furthest from the based. That meant he would start curving back to it and he began to do so when sounds sliced through the dead air.

He recognised the sounds almost immediately, both being things he rarely heard. One was the sound of gun shots, and the other was a scream.

“Some one please help!!!”

Yuuno sent a mental message back to the base before running towards the sound.

X-X-X

“There’s no one around to help you!” A man growled, pointing his gun at his prey that had tripped and fallen. “There’s no escape.”

A mass of black and white attempted to scramble away, but it only had the energy to pant heavily as three men advanced on it. Clutching a cloth wrapped object to its chest, the figure could only hope for a miracle.

“This is what happens to those who try to defy us.” The men cocked their hammers. “Goodbye!”

They all fired at once, three bullets streaking towards their flinching target. They might have hit their mark if not for a glowing green wall that deflected them.

“What?!”

“Hold it right there!” A voice declared, drawing the men’s attention.

“Who the hell are you?” One of them demanded.

“I’m just a passing-through archaeologist.” Yuuno declared. “Now put down your weapons and surrender.”

“Like hell!” The thugs shifted their aim and fired at Yuuno, but he pulled up a shield that the bullets harmlessly bounced off of.

“Damn, he’s a mage!”

“Grrr… We have to fall back!” The lead goon ordered before the three turned and ran.

“Not so fast!” Yuuno said, stretching out a hand. Two of them men were out of range of his bind spell, but one wasn’t so lucky. His arms were pinned to his chest and his legs bound together, causing him to fall over. “You’re going to have to answer some questions.”

“Screw you, Bureau dog!” The man spat. “You won’t get anything from me!”

Yuuno tried, but he wasn’t able to prevent the man from placing the gun under his own chin and pulling the trigger. Squeezing his eyes shut, Yuuno turned away in disgust as the ground absorbed another life.

Gatherings his wits, he turned to the one he had just saved.

“Everything’s going to be okay now.” He smiled. “Are you all right?”

The other person seemed to just stare at him a moment before suddenly jerking and scrambling backwards.

“W-Who are you?” A voice demanded. “Don’t come any closer!”

“Don’t worry, I won’t harm you.” Yuuno said calmly. He reached into his pocket to pulled out his ID card and showed it. “My name is Yuuno Scrya and I work for the Time Space Administration Bureau.”

“You work for the Bureau?” The figure relaxed considerably. “Thank the Kaiser, I’m saved!”

“Back up should be here shortly,” Yuuno informed. “We’ll get you somewhere safe after that. Can tell me your name?”

“Miyako.” She said, brushing her long black hair out of the way to reveal a young face with red eyes. She wore a simple white dress that was spotted with dirt and a little bit of blood that originated from the scrapes on her bare limbs. “Miyako Tsuzuki.”

Yuuno blinked, wondering what a girl like her was doing out here, but first he knelt down and started applying healing magic to her wounds.

“T-Thanks…” Miyako’s face tinged a bit from the contact.

“If you don’t mind me asking, who were those men and why were they chasing you?”

“Those guys work for a man named Hummer.” She explained. “I was being held by them but I escaped so they went after me. I’m sure they wanted to get this back at all costs too.” She held out the object she had been carrying and slowly began to unwrap it. When it was revealed, Yuuno couldn’t help by gawk.

In her hands, she held the Light of God.

Spoiler for notes:

Enter the OC! I said it was going to happen and here she is! I took her name from the Tsuzuki company, and Miyako from Hidamari Sketch. Miyako has the same VA as Yuuno, and her best friend is also named Yuno, so I decided to use it

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by Comartemis

Agreed. As a matter of course I keep detailed notes on what the characters are doing, how they're interacting with each other, how they relate to the overall plot and where they are at beginning and the end of the story. Ignore the people who tell you to "just write something!" if you want to write anything worth reading. Drafts are all well and good, but starting a fic without an outline is like going on a cross-country roadtrip without a map.

Some of the best things happen when you lose your map.

Outlining is an important skill to have (trust me I know), but if you never write anything outlining is useless and if you want real feedback a draft is essential.

[Nanya01]

*Gasp* It's an OC! Oh noes! We must focus on the OC now otherwise the story is lost!

I kid, I kid. Poor Yuuno though, sounds like me sometimes when I'm feeling down. I do hope that it doesn't take two to five months to get the next chapter.

[00-Raiser]

Originally Posted by Nanya01

*Gasp* It's an OC! Oh noes! We must focus on the OC now otherwise the story is lost!

I just hope people don't drop the fic because of it I wish they'd at least stick around to see what I do with her...

Originally Posted by Nanya01

Poor Yuuno though, sounds like me sometimes when I'm feeling down.

I think everyone is like that when they feel down. I certainly am.

[PhoenixFlare]

Originally Posted by Comartemis

Agreed. As a matter of course I keep detailed notes on what the characters are doing, how they're interacting with each other, how they relate to the overall plot and where they are at beginning and the end of the story. Ignore the people who tell you to "just write something!" if you want to write anything worth reading. Drafts are all well and good, but starting a fic without an outline is like going on a cross-country roadtrip without a map.

Having been "tutored" by some of the harshest (nah, they're good folks ) critiques around in Original Characters Thread, you should've learnt that an outline that makes sense to you will sometimes not make sense to another person. Some people interpret differently when presented with the same map, so to say.

One on one, there's a chance your idea might work. But if many disagree with you, then you need to work out on the kinks, and to do that, you just have to write something eventually. It is a necessary, inevitable procedure. Surviving that, of course, will make you a better writer.

That said, I have no experience with how things are handled in the Fanfiction thread, so I can't say how usual this happens. I only lurk around to read.

[Moczo]

Oh, debates, debates! My turn!

I have personally found outlining any story that's going to be longer than a few chapters to be of limited value, simply because I can't stick to it. I had a nice, pretty outline for Infinity when I first started it. Outlined the basic plot, had the story all set up, names and personalities for my OCs, ending all tidy and neat.

I deleted it about eight chapters in, because I had already deviated so wildly from it that it was no longer any use to me. I can't help it! I think of scenes that sound fun or cool and I have to throw them in, and eventually it all adds up to... not so much 'derail' the narrative as shift it onto entirely new rails that were not originally part of the travel itinerary. For instance, Yuuno was not originally going to be as major a character as he is, but I just kept up thinking funny things to do with him and Arf, and then I thought, "You know, every character should get a Crowning Moment of Awesome, but Yuuno's only good at shielding... oh my God I should have him deflect an anti-warship cannon, I'll need to write one in so he can do that." and that was that.

That said, there is a cost to this style. I make a good number of errors because so much is written on the fly, so I typically have to go back to finished chapters and polish them up quite a bit more than I would if I did more prep-work. I accept this, because I feel it takes less time than it would to sit down and prepare beforehand an outline that I'll end up not following anyway. But if you're the sort who can actually stick to a complicated plan, you might disagree. I'd suggest trying a couple different approaches, see what you prefer. But the most important thing, again, is to write, write, write. Nothing replaces experience.

Oh, and have fun with it! It's fanfic, it doesn't have to be perfect! I mean, come on, you've seen FF.net. Even mediocre writers shine by comparison to some of the stuff over there.

[Kaijo]

Gonna echo Mozco's argument a bit. I don't make outlines so much as I write brief descriptions of scenes that I want to see happen throughout the fic. And it gets more and more sparse as I get to the end. For Crisis, I didn't really have the ending figured out at all, just a vague "okay, these characters go to Al Hazard and fight Precia."

Any outline you write, is gonna be deviated from. There are tons of scenes I included in Crisis that were spur of the moment, or that I realized I had to change based on what came before and what made sense now.

So yeah, outline something, describe a few brief scenes you'd like, as much as you feel you can come up for. Then start writing and posting. Make changes as people make suggestions, and your world will slowly take shape.^^

[RadiantBeam]

I break up your serious discussion with an update!

Next chapter of "Shadowfire" is up and running: When a Shadow Sleeps.

Which reminds me, I need to dig out "Building Tolerance" before it gets lost too far back so I have it ready when I post it to FF.net.

[Satashi]

Parts 1-6
A:IIIII IIIII IIII
B:II

I... think that A won this time @_@

Spoiler for Part 7 Vivio CYOA.Can anyone think of a good name for me?:

"Library?" Corona asked me at once, smiling from ear to ear. "I want to practice some on these new math problems we have, they seem like fun." Her words turned a few heads, but those that were in our class last year just passed by as if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

Rio hummed and thought about it, a strange sight coming from her. "Are you sure? Do you feel okay, Vivio? You took quite a blow earlier."

I nodded. "Passing out from the heat is embarrassing, but I don't think it'll bother me in the library, why?"

Corona looked shocked. "You don't remember?"

"Re...member?"

Rio put her hand on my forehead. "About lunch?"

"Lunch?" I reached up and took Rio's hand from my forehead, but accepted her grasp when she interlaced out fingers. "What do you mean?"

Corona looked impressed. "I wonder if that was intentional to make her forget?"

I looked at Corona now. "Wha-what?"

"Never mind, never mind!" Rio started walking, swinging our hands in a half arc as we left the classroom. "To the library!"

Einhart was waiting for us at the front gates and smiled when she saw me walking along with a cheerful Rio. "Are you feeling better?" she asked me while falling into step next to me when Corona made space for her.

"Lots, I'm just embarrassed I fainted on the first day of school. Normally I'm really good about being in the heat." Einhart blushed and looked at me a little closer, moving some of my hair away and looking at my temple. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Einhart shook her head.

With that confusing statement, I walked with my friends down the unfamiliar path leading into town before we came across the streets we knew that lead to the library. We could have taken a bus, but due to my insistence of being fine, we saved our money and walked the twenty-some minutes to our destination.

The cold air came over us at once and I let out a happy sigh at it. "Oh thank goodness, air conditioner." I hummed happily as we waved to the receptionist who knew us by name and continued to our normal spot. About half way there, I saw someone carrying a large stack of books that went over their head. The top one fell off and clattered onto the floor, making them struggle to try and pick it up without dropping the rest of the books.

"Coming?" Einhart and my friends turned back to look at me from a little ways ahead.

A.)Help the person
B.) Catch up with your friends.

[vic-vic]

Super-Vivio, action!! I choose A

[Nanya01]

A, because I can't see Vivio just leaving someone to their own devices.

[synaesthetic]

Sorry I've been suspiciously absent and unproductive on both false light and Altered Course.

The Original Work Plotbunny has started gnawing on my foot and as my original work takes priority over any fanfic, it's been getting all the attention. A new idea (as usual, I can never finish a work to save my life) which I will briefly outline below if anyone's interested in discussing it/reading it as it's written.

Spoiler for pieces of an unfamiliar world:

The story is actually a series of stories, centering around an ensemble cast of characters, ranging from eccentric to downright bizarre, set in a far-future San Francisco, in the lower city levels.

The central message is: "The world is not as cruel as it seems."

Characters include:
-a female information broker, hacker and thief who has a penchant for wearing Gothic Lolita fashion and knows everything that goes in on San Francisco's underworld
-a male Internet journalist on a violent crusade to bring honesty and integrity back to the government and corporate world... even if he has to step over their corpses to do so.
-an illegal "pleasure servant" gynoid with the body of a twelve year old girl, reprogrammed as an assassin
-a male cabdriver, formerly a military sharpshooter who suffers PTSD after accidentally killing a young girl
-a female veterinary assistant who is secretly a highly-placed member of a violent, reactionary animal-rights group
-a female webcomic artist on the run from mercenary killers after creating and posting a very offensive comic ridiculing a certain fruit-themed technology conglomerate
-a female mercenary who has the ability to control biomechanical creatures and summon them to her
-a teenage boy who lives on the upper levels in his family's mansion, but spends the nights as the superhero vigilante, The Magus
-a former beat cop and comic book nerd who makes a living as a fence, selling and buying rare items from anyone and everyone in the lower levels

Hopefully I will be able to finish this one since it's a larger work composed of short stories which have interconnected plots.

[Rising Dragon]

Put me down for A as well. I'm pretty sure Nanoha would've stressed the importance of helping others to Vivio.

[deathcurse]

Finally, I have internet again! Anyways, here's to trying to catch up a bit with my backlog...

Originally Posted by Nanya01

So... Here's a little something...

Honestly, I don't think it's complete, but I'll see what (if any) comments I get for it.

Spoiler for Day in the Life Chapter 37:

SNIP

I wonder how many people want to kill me right now...

*Claims the page in the name of protective shields*

I think it’s incredibly difficult for me to see Signum duelling with anyone (but Fate ) and have difficulty, because I’m such a Signum-is-awesome-period fangirl . But about the fight itself—it was well-written, enough movement mixed with thoughts and description, but at the same time it’s not what I’d expect from a Signum-fight. Both Signum, Fate and Vita seem to me like characters who would fight in a style that never really has them stop, they’d be constantly darting and moving and going from one attack straight into another without pause. But that’s just my opinion on them, in terms of a “feeling”-thing .

"You threatened Hayate." Zafira growled out and took into the air after her. "I don't care about your name."

GO ZAFFY! Very nice .

"Well... I have to admit..." Vince said as he moved towards her slowly, his axe blade dragged along the ground as blood fell from his arm to the floor. "I've never met anyone who could give me such a fight... Signum, huh?" He swung his axe to the side. "I'll make sure that everyone knows of who you really were when you die. A powerful warrior."

This paragraph confused me a little…has Vince simply never tangled with anyone from Nanoha-canon before, or is he so powerful that he’s never been beaten before? And I’d think that Signum would already be pretty well known as a warrior, etc, so Vince’s comments seem overly dramatic at best, stupidly redundant at worst . Unless you were trying for a “big-headed ego” personality with Vince?

And good for Zafira, getting a Big Damn Heroes moment at the end there . Poor guy doesn’t usually get enough of them in fanfiction! ^^

Overall, the chapter was okay, it just seems a little odd to me that the Wolkenritter got their asses kicked so badly/were caught so off guard all the time by their opponents .

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

A short, featuring Miranda, since I haven't done one of those in awhile. I'm honestly a little mixed on this piece, but it was an idea I had that I wanted to get out.

Spoiler for Building Tolerance:

Lutecia eyed the bottle in front of her as if it were an enemy; narrowing her eyes slightly, she gave it a timid, almost uncertain poke.

“Alphine, relax, it ain’t gonna bite you.” Miranda laughed, watching her younger partner; she was firmly against the idea of the girl drinking any kind of alcohol while she was underage, but the simple fact was, that if she wanted to fit into a bar scene she needed to be used to drinking, if only grudgingly. She needed to know the taste so that she could tell if someone had mixed her drink with drugs or poison.

“What happened to not wanting me to drink?” the purple-haired girl muttered, giving the bottle another small poke as if it was a living thing. She dearly wished for a cherry Coke right about now; something she knew, something she was familiar with.

“Like it or not, you’ll have to have a sip sometime.” Miranda picked up her own bottle and took a sip, as if to demonstrate. “Pretty girl like you ordering a cherry Coke in this kind of bar will stand out like a sore thumb. ‘Sides, you need to know how it tastes in case your buddy slips something into it.”

“Like what?” Oh, Lutecia could certainly guess what; she was just delaying the inevitable at this point.

“Date rape drugs, something that could cause nausea or hallucinations, outright poison.” Miranda shrugged and nudged the bottle closer to her partner. “You’ve got no reason to like it, I respect that. But you’ve gotta at least know how it should taste when it’s done right, so you can tell when something’s wrong.”

“How do you even know I’ll have that many bar missions?”

Miranda just gave Lutecia a look.

Sighing and giving in to the inevitable, Lutecia picked up the bottle. “I’m underage, you know.”

“Alphine, you won’t look it when you hit that last growth spurt. And besides, I’m not askin’ that you drink enough to get sick; just take a couple sips, know how it should taste.”

It was sketchy at best, and Miranda knew it; taking a few sips of alcohol wouldn’t truly teach one how an intact, pure bottle was supposed to taste. But she wouldn’t always be there to keep an eye on things to ensure that nothing bad happened to the young girl sitting beside her; perhaps this wasn’t the best method in mind, but for now, it was what she could do.

Sighing one last time, Lutecia steeled herself and lifted the bottle to her lips, taking a sip; she didn’t immediately toss it away or gag, but Miranda saw her expression and knew she didn’t like the taste. Grimacing, she set it down again. “Miranda?”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t see how anyone could get addicted to this.”

Miranda felt a small surge of relief; if worst came to worst, Lutecia wouldn’t turn to alcohol and drink herself to her death. “It’s an acquired taste, kid, trust me. Gotta say I’m not too fond of it myself.”

Lutecia lifted a brow and took another small sip before she set it down again, licking her lips and shaking her head.

“Well, since you took it like a real trooper, why don’t I buy you a can? It’ll be on me.”

Lutecia gave Miranda a look.

“What?”

“I thought you were going to—never mind.” Hastily, the younger woman closed her mouth. The less she thought about what kind of jokes her partner could make concerning Vivio’s lips and how they might taste, the better.

No real comments this time around; Miranda is still alive, so that by itself should say where this takes place during the Shadowverse timeline.

This does have me thinking…what’s the average age of a Shadow? Is Lutecia younger, the same or older than the average age of a new recruit? Because from reading this, it seems like usually the recruits would be older, able to fit in with bar scenes and such, for Miranda’s reaction to Lutecia learning how to drink being distasteful.

I love the little moments of unspoken communication between Miranda and Lutecia, it really shows how perceptive and sharp both of them are, to be able to grasp what the other might be thinking straight away. You have quite the talent for leaving things unsaid yet still precisely clear about what you mean to say .

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

This is a short about Vita's past and present. I dedicate this one to Nanya, a true friend

Spoiler for Cold No Longer:

It was so cold.

Vita shivered as she huddled in the fetal position in the corner of the barren room. It was the room that their current master had decided to keep them in when there was no battle to be fought. At one point it had been a walk in freezer, and it still worked as one with the icy air still being pumped through the vents.

Her comrades were resting in various spots of the room, recovering their energy from the harsh conflict of the day, a few of their wounds were still healing, none of them having been properly treated and Shamal being too exhausted to heal them.

Their master offered no aid, only criticism. Why should she waste precious supplies on mere tools?

Yes, that’s all they were. Tools. Tools for fighting, destroying, and killing. Heartless murderers at the beck and call of the one who held the book.

Tools did not need first aid, nor did they need warm beds to sleep in, or clean clothes to wear. They did not need consideration, kindness or love.

Tools just needed to do what they were created for. They were just artificial constructs made for a single purpose.

Organic as they were, they still required sustenance, much to their master’s annoyance. A cold slop served their needs, loaded with the necessary nutrition, but tasting like the excrements of an elephant. Tools did not need hot, tasty meals after all.

Vita closed her eyes and attempted to sleep. Soon it would be over, she told herself. The book would be complete and then… She wasn’t sure. All she knew is that they would eventually belong to a new master and the tools would be used again, and again.

And again…

…

Vita shot up off the floor, frantically surveying her surroundings. Rather than the concrete of the freezer, she saw rows of lockers and benches along the walls. Glancing down, she saw she wore only her camisole and her panties with the rest of her clothes scattered about. Pulling herself out of the past, she returned to the present.

“Guess tonight’s training wore me out more than I thought…” She muttered. “I must have nodded off while changing…” Reaching out to grab her shirt, she noticed her hand was shaking. “Damn it…”

Pissed that the memory had unnerved her, Vita threw her clothes on and left the training grounds. The stars were out in full, making the red head wonder how late her evening session had gone over. She made haste in her return, the cool breeze making her mouth go dry as it sliced through her.

“Damn it, damn it, damn it…” She mumbled as she fumbled with the keys to the house. All the lights were off, indicating the residents had already turned in for the night. Making her way inside, she carelessly tossed off her shoes and nearly ran up the stairs. In a flash she was in the bedroom and under the covers, not even bothering to strip, and she instantly felt more at ease.

There was a rustling next to her as another figure rolled over.

“Mmm… Vita, what’s wrong?” She mumbled, half asleep.

“It’s nothing, Hayate, don’t worry about it.” Vita whispered back.

“Ok…” Hayate yawned as she reached out, wrapping her arms around the other girl and pulling her in close. She then planted a soft kiss on Vita’s forehead. “Good night.”

“Good night…” Vita said back, nestling her face into Hayate’s chest.

Things may have been horrible back then, but now they had a wonderful master who didn’t treat them as tools, who gave them comfy beds, hot meals, and most of all: love.

There, held snugly in her beloved master’s arms, Vita knew the nightmares couldn’t chase her.

It was so warm.

Spoiler for note:

I guess you could say it's Hayate/Vita... Personally that's one pairing I'm thoroughly opposed to, but I know Nanya likes it so it snuck in there

Also uploaded Materials no Jikan to FF.net. It was originally gonna be a short, but it ended up being long enough (by my standards) to stand alone.

Imagining a master cruel enough to deliberately pick a walk-in freezer as a room to house his “tools” is just heartwrenching . What a sad image…

This actually has me thinking of a story short idea, where one of the Wolkenritter’s old masters wasn’t cruel to them, but still differed from how Hayate treated them? It could be interesting to see if the Wolkenritter love Hayate only because she’s kind to them, or if there is something special about Hayate…

Anyways, nice short! ^^

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Well, it still doesn't have a title yet, but hey, it still has Fate! And Bardiche! That should count for something!

Spoiler for She seems to have spent too much time with Nanoha...:

SNIP

Previously:

Chapter 1

Is this the same Yaris from “Steel Queen”?

Interesting story, it approaches the series from a heavy Enforcer stand-point, but not entirely as a simple mission but also as a bit of a training/different perspective on Fate. Love how Bardiche neatly interrupts a tense scene by setting up and proceeding to blow the room to bits !

And sorry, but the last few words about "burning sunlight" has me thinking....VAMPIRE!

Originally Posted by DKN117

I don't like starting a fic without having my facts straight, only to receive a TORRENT of corrections and "actually"s and "this is wrong"s. I prefer to have everything sorted out and understood before fingers hit the keyboard.

Just do what I do, and slap an "AU" sign to it when things go off! Haha, well, I actually like it when I get all those corrections--it forces me to evaluate whether that point is essential in my story (so to cut it or to change it), which helps me with editing and tightening up the plot. Plus, it's a great compliment, for people to have read and poured over your story enough to give feedback like that.

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

First off, I have to say that thus far, this version of the story seems to flow much better. Auris's initial scenes do a better job of introducing her character from her own perspective. And you do a better job of emphasizing the tension between Hayate's actions as a General, as Capitol City Defense Force Commander, and as adviser to Intelligence Oversight Subcommittee and the expectations of her actions as a friend and a heroic character. For example, the little snippet of conversation with Nanoha that Auris overhears, or the brand new Fate/Rein scene (which also got to introduce the GAS Intel Director's name).

(I rather miss the Fate-drives-Hayate-home scene, but I'm assuming that it just got moved to post-Trial Day 1 where it would fit better anyway.)

Thanks! I tried to take into account all the previous comments, and also once I started to tighten the plot I wanted to add a bit more foreshadowing and introduce certain characters earlier .

(Don’t sorry, that scene is still there, after Trial Day 1 as you guessed ^^.)

I also note that the Mayor is mentioned early here, in the Fate/Rein scene--this is good, since it adds his name to the reader's awareness early (plus, you're doing so amid other High Muckety-Mucks such as Adviser Fils, so it doesn't have a flashing neon "pay attention here!" sign).

Thanks for noticing! As always, it’s so rewarding when a reviewer points those kinds of meta-story elements out!

One correction to the NSIS conference room scene: you have a "Charlie" speak up mid-scene (I seem to remember that name from one or two of RB's Shadowverse fics, actually), but he wasn't mentioned in the "Auris watched their reactions" paragraph which acts as the roll call for the scene; either he needs to be added there or a sentence or two of introduction should be added when he speaks up.

Ah, well, with that scene I only mentioned certain Shadows by name (my OCs, some of RB’s OCs, and also Lutecia), while assuming that the room is packed with other unnamed Shadows. I didn’t introduce Charlie earlier because he doesn’t pop up again in the story, while nearly all of the ones who are named do .

Likewise, the opening scenes of the trial are definitely improved. The dialogue flows much better, for one thing. Likewise, properly presenting the initial opening statements as opening statements flows better with RL trial procedure (where attorneys present evidence to make their case, only arguing...well, officially arguing, since obviously the whole presentation of evidence is also done in a way to argue the case as is the questioning...at the beginning and end, except at the appellate level).

LOL, I only understood one word in ten there , but I’m glad to have done something that looks semi-realistic! All the crime shows I’ve been watching lately must have paid off ^^.

Fate and Nanoha commenting on what they see is good, too, because it shows the reader a commentary on what happened "on-stage" through the eyes of characters we know (plus, it helps frame the analysis of the scene for us, so if there's something in a scene that's going to be important later but which you want to redirect attention away from, these kinds of scenes can help focus reader attention where you want it). Plus it helps to spell out some of the moral conflicts in terms we, the readers, know, through the eyes of the characters.

Yes, it’ll be fun to play with misdirection later on!

A couple of mistakes here, though: in the second press report, you state that "The last TSAB officer murder occurred five years ago during the Scaglietti Incident..." Actually, that one sentence contains three apparent mistakes:

(a) It's the "JS Incident," officially.
(b) If it was "five years ago," then Lutecia's only fifteen! I know this story is AU to Shadowverse fanon, but that means that she's only been a Shadow for two years and that Chrono's lost his job at least eight years earlier than in fanon! I think you may have been going for "fifteen years ago" or thereabouts...
(c) I find it hard to believe that the entire TSAB has not lost a single officer in the line of duty over five years, given all the criminal cases they investigate!

Ah crap , yes, I’ll fix that in the next draft . I didn’t edit everything entirely through after changing my timeline to match up with yours and Syn’s (and it’s fine even if CNS isn’t Shadows-canon, it was fun to do and also the increase in age makes the scenes more believable), so I must have left the years in that section!

Ah okay, I’ll work around with that TSAB officer murder thing…the difficulty being, the point of that section was to contrast that: 1) TSAB officers are hard to kill, so while the Numbers managed, being combat cyborgs, what does that say about Raven? and 2) What kind of sentence the Numbers got, as opposed to what kind of sentence Raven might get for the same crime.

One suggestion: You might spend some time in the early paragraphs where the Judge comes in describing the courtroom so the reader gets a visual--in addition, when you describe the jury, you can take the time to point them out as TSAB officers and what their role is, so you can differentiate this Midchildan trial from the kind of trials one has in various Earth systems.

Another point: written cue cards? Would Mid's sci-fi society use such things? I'd assume Jettal would have some sort of communications terminal (like Vivio's in ViVid ch. 1) by which he could organize his notes as well as immediately access case-file details in the trial...

Okay, thanks! I’ll add that in, I just skipped over it in my first draft as I was nervous about writing the trial and just wanted to get it over with!

And ….I use lots of paper documents in CNS, since there’s something about it that’s easier to write than techno-babble all the time! But I’ll fix it ^^. And I've got the backbone of the rest of Trial Day 1 done, but I just need to flesh it out.

[FlameSparkZ]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Part 7 Vivio CYOA.Can anyone think of a good name for me?

How about...Vivid Life?

Looks like A = Trap, but okay, I'll fall for it


EDIT: Page claim for...foreshadowing
*disappears into the dark of night....*

[00-Raiser]

Naturally the only choice is A!