2009-10-14, 12:04 | Link #16902 | |
meow~ give me cookies~
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: cat cage, meow~
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[Recently concious and still staying in the hospital] *cough* *cough* I-I thought Nanoha-chan's eyes are blue. *cough* *cough* |
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2009-10-14, 12:29 | Link #16904 | |||
Cute things, sharp teeth.
Join Date: Jul 2008
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Whee, more AltS! I'm really loving this one
Just a few comments on the writing - I know we've had a discussion along these lines before, but i think I'm starting to understand your patterns. One day we'll get to the bottom of it. Quote:
The second sentence - 'when the debriefing room was entered' is very jarring. Structurally speaking, it is no different from 'the path was made'. It is, however, much stranger to hear that a 'room was entered' upon and then have the sentence suddenly switch to an active voice ('she felt a little odd'). Further, you've established the subject of the second sentence as 'the debriefing room', then went on to say 'she' as if the room is a person feeling something was amiss. Clearly it wasn't your intent, but grammatically, that is how it reads. I know you love your passive sentences. I also agree that not *all* sentences should be active, but there's a place for them and well, you have a knack for putting them where I feel they shouldn't be ^^; Quote:
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*waves to the new people* Last edited by yuiseppe; 2009-10-14 at 12:30. Reason: greetings and spelling |
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2009-10-14, 12:29 | Link #16905 | |||||||
Vividly Vivio
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I think the official color is "slate blue" which can technically be either blue or purple, I think. I'd describe Nanoha's eyes as "blue" "slate blue" "blue eyes that sparkled a hint of purple" or so. but if you just flat out say "purple" it'd be wrong :3
I refer to Fate's as "ruby" "Crimson" "red". Syn gets "Fire red" and Vivio gets "Emerald green" I like describing eyes, its a great way of avoiding "she" "her" "name" ect. Yay! *hugs* Quote:
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~**~ I don't know how to fix active/passive stuffs since I don't really think about it while writing. Its just my style so I tend to do it all the time. Aside from looking at every single sentence to check the voice in it, I'm not really sure how I can fix the problem. I will, however, do it on purpose in certain places because I want it to be like that, but the other parts pointed out here could have been fixed. *sighs*
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2009-10-14, 12:39 | Link #16906 |
Queen of Tragedy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Place of rocks and trees, and trees and rocks...and water.
Age: 33
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Yeah, sorry, I meant something like "lavender" or "purple-blue" for Nanoha But everyone else's is okay? I'd hate to cause misunderstanding by using the wrong eye-colour for describing a person like Satashi said
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2009-10-14, 12:40 | Link #16907 | |
Vividly Vivio
Author
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This example calls for NanoVita! Vita's breath came out in small puffs, eyes looking up at the girl above her. Nanoha's face had small drops of sweat on it, her hair matted to her neck and cheeks. Her friend was panting as well, holding herself above Vita by bracing on her forearms that were placed on either side of the smaller girl. The redhead slowly brought up her arms to touch Nanoha's sides, her weak body still recovering from the motions that had tired them both out. Upon contact, Nanoha's breathing picked up a little bit, drawing Vita's attention back to her face. Faintly colored chapstick was smeared on Nanoha's lips, and the girl couldn't help but gaze at her mouth as it opened and closed slightly with each puff of air. Looking up, Vita met Nanoha's eyes and stared into them for a small moment. The soft blue eyes, almost showing a lavender shine, were slightly dilated and looking back down at her red ones lovingly. The tender moment lasted a few more moments before the two slowly slid apart and sat up on their own, smiling lightly at their battle stained barrier jackets and the flaming remains of the training ground they had their mock battle on before Nanoha landed the deciding blow to end it.
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Last edited by Satashi; 2009-10-14 at 12:52. |
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2009-10-14, 12:55 | Link #16913 |
Vividly Vivio
Author
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Orbs? Isn't that what you collect after defeating a boss in Castlevania 1 back on the NES?
Fate groaned and looked over at Nanoha. "Like they would understand that." "But its a good example!" Nanoha protested back. "Everyone has played Castlevania!" "Yeah, part seven and up maybe! you're old!" "I am not old!!!!!!!"
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2009-10-14, 13:00 | Link #16915 | |
Explodes when thrown
IT Support
Join Date: Jan 2009
Age: 37
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Not inside baseball unless you haven't discovered that Sturgeon's Law is completely true. I went looking on TvTropes, and so far as I can surmise, it's not one, but it's common enough that I may be on YKTTW later today. It's the tendency for bad romantic fic to use the word "orbs" as a fancy replacement for "eyes". Drives me batsh*t.
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2009-10-14, 13:15 | Link #16920 |
Queen of Tragedy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Place of rocks and trees, and trees and rocks...and water.
Age: 33
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I think it's kind of okay if you use it in a longer metaphor instead of a direct substitution for "eyes"
"--her lavender orbs" *SHOT* "In the dark corner a pair of gleaming orbs flashed, like a night cat's--" *Shot by a smaller caliber gun* |
Tags |
authorshipping, befriending, fanfiction, interactive fanfiction, nanoha |
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