Dating

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by tehmuffinmon

But I have a feeling if I turn this girl down, I won't find another girl for quite some time, so I don't know.

So you're just 'keeping her for your own convenience'?

*shakes head*

[Kotohono]

Originally Posted by tehmuffinmon

She'd IM me the moment I'd get online (if she was on) and essentially has told me tons of personal stuff without me prying in the slightest. Maybe it's just because I'm bad with drama, but I already feel a little smothered because of how fast she's trying to take things, I suppose.

Well I think it's reasonable for her to want to tell you at start about the clinical problems she has I mean, so she can find out how you feel about the issues she has.

And it's better she tells you the truth at the beginning, then for you to slowly find out about it while being with her for months/weeks isn't it?

[idiffer]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

So you're just 'keeping her for your own convenience'?

*shakes head*

lol.
+1
this message is too short to post, so says the system.
so.
tehmuffinmon
you'll meet plenty of ppl, if you TRY. i don't try at all and i still get to meet interesting ppl. i spend 80 % of my free time staring at the computer screen. i even met a VERY smart girl. thats like a goldmine.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

So you're just 'keeping her for your own convenience'?

*shakes head*

Sad, but not all that unusual or uncommon. A lot of people are in relationships simply because it suits them.

[tehmuffinmon]

Originally Posted by Nightbat®

So you're just 'keeping her for your own convenience'?

*shakes head*

No. Gah, I worded myself poorly.

I don't even know exactly what I meant in retrospect, I was somewhat drowsy when I wrote that. I didn't mean to come across as a prick or anything, I just haven't been in a relationship in quite some time and have been leaning towards giving her a shot, but I'm conflicted because of the aforementioned problems.

EDIT - Bah, "giving her a shot" sounds a bit objectifying. Essentially I liked where things were going and honestly believed there was some level of chemistry, and figured that a relationship could easily come out of it. But now I'm leaning more towards that not being a good idea, for both myself and for her. I'd feel terrible for hurting her, and that's the last thing I want.

And I wouldn't 'keep a girl for my own convenience', because that would be simply immoral and unfair towards her. I know that. Argh, too much stuff has happened lately, haha, my mind's in disarray. My bad, guys. @_@

And while I can see the point of her telling me about the clinical depression right away, I think a lot of it also had to do with the timing. It was right after coming back from the culture exchange thing, and I was feeling great. It was a very satisfying night overall, and I came home in high spirits.

That's when she IMed me and sort of unloaded a lot of the stress she had apparently been going through, etc. I still don't know exactly how to word things without seeming insensitive, and I can't think of what to add at the moment, so I'll just leave it at that for now.

[Nightbat®]

the only thing I can tell you now is that being 'chivalrous' is just a way of protecting your conscience
You're gonna end up the bad guy if you break it up, no if's but's or maybe's



What you're questioning is if there's a need to be the bad guy


Say you'll be away a weekend, lock yourself in your room in that time
Grab your mind with all the "what if's" currently running around in it and do some serious thinking

[whitepearl]

Originally Posted by tehmuffinmon

Argh, so I have a bit of a dillema here, haha. A girl I honestly never spoke to before had added me as a friend on Facebook...we went to school together, and that's about it. In any case, that's not the problem. A little over a week ago I made a really short video on facebook about how I had the flu. It was basically just a joke video, it was about 20 seconds long, and I did it out of sheer boredom because I had the flu and had nothing else to do. Somehow this girl became smitten with me after seeing this video...no joke. So we started IMing each other and whatnot, she gave me her phone number right away (despite the fact that I don't have a cell phone and I didn't even ask for her number at all), and asked me tons of questions. We talked the following couple days as well, and I ended up meeting her in person. I think she's cute, yes, and the purely physical side of my brain wants to say go for it.
Now I don't want to seem chauvinistic, but I am a male, and the very first night we met she wore a shirt that revealed a lot of cleavage and sort of nonchalantly mentioned her cup size. DDDs. ._.

She sounds desperate herself, with her giving you her number and the revealing shirt. She definitely wanted attention.

Originally Posted by tehmuffinmon

My purely male, sexually-driven side is urging me to pursue her, but otherwise, I'm not entirely sure I want to. She was fun to hang out with, but she revealed to me that she suffers from clinical depression, and the last couple times I've spoken to her haven't been entirely pleasant as a result. I reaaally dislike drama and all that; my mom is bipolar, so I'm no stranger to mood swings and the like. When this girl started talking to me on an awkwardly personal level and basically started wallowing in self-pity, not to sound mean-spirited or anything, I started to hesitate.

As you should. The depression part should've made you apply the figurative brakes.

Originally Posted by tehmuffinmon

I liked her personality and obviously, physically I find her desirable, but I also would not cope well with the drama and depression. I think she'd be the type to become clingy. Furthermore, I have a feeling she would pretty much throw herself at me and end up feeling far more strongly for me than I for her, and I don't think it's fair to toy with her feelings like that. My friends have already told me that she asks them questions about me constantly and told them that she "feels like a schoolgirl" thinking about me and stuff like that. A couple nights ago on IM she told me she was really tired and more or less depressed/sick, but it was up to me when she went to bed. I found that sort of notion a bit disconcerting. We really haven't known each other long at all yet she feels this attached and attracted to me already. Stuff like my aforementioned example sort of make me feel cool in a way, but I get the feeling she's prepared to submit to me and I find that a bit desperate, I suppose.

It is desperation from her. Gotta wonder if she went through a breakup recently. Or, does she throw herself at any and all guys she remotely finds interesting?

Originally Posted by tehmuffinmon

But I have a feeling if I turn this girl down, I won't find another girl for quite some time, so I don't know. :O Whew...I wrote a lot. Any suggestions?

False. Don't think that you will not find another girl.

I don't know where you live but believe me, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty. Just get yourself out there and meet new people.

[tehmuffinmon]

Thanks, guys, I appreciate all the advice. It really does help.

I don't think she throws herself like that every guy, and she hasn't said anything about any recent relationship or breakup. Also, I do plan on being more proactive in meeting girls from now on. I've been getting better about it lately, I can tell; I'm just feeling a little anxious is all.

I do plan on doing some thinking, definitely. Thanks again. ^_^

[germanturkey]

but whatever you do, don't make decisions that will lead you looking back and saying, "I should have ..."

[Nogitsune]

Originally Posted by whitepearl

She sounds desperate herself, with her giving you her number and the revealing shirt. She definitely wanted attention.

Some people simply like wearing revealing clothes. Just sayin'.

As you should. The depression part should've made you apply the figurative brakes.

While I understand that it's not desirable for a lot of people to be in a relationship with someone who has an illness, mental or otherwise, this comes across to me a bit like "no one should be in a relationship with someone suffering from depression", so hum. If it wasn't meant like that, I think I can agree - someone suffering from clinical depression will have problems, and of course it's a good idea to ascertain first whether you can deal with them.

[synaesthetic]

I like wearing short skirts and low-necked tops, and not because I'm desperate or want attention--I already have a girlfriend.

I do it because I like it. I think it's cute, and I enjoy looking cute. It makes me feel good.

Unfortunately, where I live, it's too goddamned cold to dress like that. So most of the time I wear jeans, a sweater and two jackets.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by germanturkey

but whatever you do, don't make decisions that will lead you looking back and saying, "I should have ..."

You're going to have those moments regardless, really. You can try your best to avoid them so you have no regrets, but inevitably, you're always going to have something you'll look back on and think, "I should have."

[germanturkey]

^^ well yes, but you can't always not do things out of fear of getting hurt. that'll lead to a very boring life

my friend and i were talking about interracial dating and why there seemed to be more asian girls dating white guys than vice versa. i found this great little segment from a longer post, and i found it very true, especially when i relate it to how i tend to approach relationships.

Western culture has a different "dating stack." In Western culture, a guy and a girl "gets to know each other" by going out on dates. So the dating stack goes something like this (identify target) -> (ask target out) -> (date) -> (IF match THEN enter relationship ELSE quit). In Asian culture, the process is slightly different. A guy "gets to know a girl" by hanging out "around" her. Asking a girl out is a significant move and indicates not just interest in said girl, but interest in a relationship as well. So the Asian dating stack is more like this: (identify target) -> (befriend target and hang out with target and target's friends) -> (IF still interested THEN ask target out ELSE quit) -> (date) -> (enter relationship). Notice there's almost no difference between "dating" and "relationship."

[whitepearl]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

You're going to have those moments regardless, really. You can try your best to avoid them so you have no regrets, but inevitably, you're always going to have something you'll look back on and think, "I should have."

And if you don't, you haven't really lived your life fully.

[whitepearl]

Originally Posted by germanturkey

^^ well yes, but you can't always not do things out of fear of getting hurt. that'll lead to a very boring life

my friend and i were talking about interracial dating and why there seemed to be more asian girls dating white guys than vice versa. i found this great little segment from a longer post, and i found it very true, especially when i relate it to how i tend to approach relationships.

A good number of my Asian friends either believe or follow the "Asian" dating process.

In many cases, that's just how it works.

While I did believe in the Asian way, I was always getting friendzoned. Now, I'm trying to adapt the more western process. We'll see how that goes.

[xl_Legit_lx]

There is no such thing as a 'way'. People all have their different methods, it's just what your looking for is different. People from Southern United States act like that, (mostly because they heavily believe in marriage and shit). The only thing that can hold someone back from getting what they want, is them. No advice, no nothing. People get rejected all the time. I got rejected, and then I sulked and moved on. Does it suck, hell yeah it does. But there is always someone else.

-Legit

[Knightrunner]

Originally Posted by whitepearl

A good number of my Asian friends either believe or follow the "Asian" dating process.

In many cases, that's just how it works.

While I did believe in the Asian way, I was always getting friendzoned. Now, I'm trying to adapt the more western process. We'll see how that goes.

What is the Asian way of dating?

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by germanturkey

Western culture has a different "dating stack." In Western culture, a guy and a girl "gets to know each other" by going out on dates. So the dating stack goes something like this (identify target) -> (ask target out) -> (date) -> (IF match THEN enter relationship ELSE quit). In Asian culture, the process is slightly different. A guy "gets to know a girl" by hanging out "around" her. Asking a girl out is a significant move and indicates not just interest in said girl, but interest in a relationship as well. So the Asian dating stack is more like this: (identify target) -> (befriend target and hang out with target and target's friends) -> (IF still interested THEN ask target out ELSE quit) -> (date) -> (enter relationship). Notice there's almost no difference between "dating" and "relationship."

Well now there's a shocker, it seems I've been going for the Asian-way all this time... I should probably try this Western way sometimes

[whitepearl]

Originally Posted by germanturkey

^^ well yes, but you can't always not do things out of fear of getting hurt. that'll lead to a very boring life

my friend and i were talking about interracial dating and why there seemed to be more asian girls dating white guys than vice versa. i found this great little segment from a longer post, and i found it very true, especially when i relate it to how i tend to approach relationships.

Originally Posted by Knightrunner

What is the Asian way of dating?

I was alluding to the "dating stack" mentioned by germanturkey.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by whitepearl

And if you don't, you haven't really lived your life fully.

People without regrets either have no conscience or are arrogant to the bone in thinking whatever they did it was always right