Dating

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

Just ask her straight out; by that, I don't mean approach her specifically to ask this question, but just slip it in during normal conversation with her. If she asks you why you wanted to know, just brush it off with a "Nah nothing much, just confirming my theory that all the pretty girls are already taken at this stage in our lives."



....what? That's what I pull all the time, or at least, when I was still looking around before I started my current relationship. Hell, I pulled it on her before, when she had a prior relationship.

Hmmm, maybe, but we hardly know each other and rarely spoke. Yesterday was actually the first time we talked for a little while. I was a bit surprised too (as was everyone else xD) because normally she comes to me asking for company files but this time, the first thing she asked me was where I went hiding (because they recently moved me to another building). We talked for a bit and went back to business. I'll probably ask her for a coffee at some stage if I manage to stick around, and I'll ask her directly later on when we know each other better. I won't ask her when we're out for that coffee as it might look like I'm too interested, which isn't even the case.

[Kafriel]

She said it was confusion.

The more cynical me would consider that she's playing you so that she'd ultimately dump you again and get some sort of twisted satisfaction from it, with the "I told you I was just confused" kind of line. However, this line troubles me

We know each other inside out.

Although you seem to know her pretty well, I, as an outsider, think she's either unaware of your feelings towards her or purposefully ignores them while trying to force herself onto you, but the latter doesn't stick well with confusion.
Either way, her reason is weak and vague since it's a cheap ticket out of a relationship, if it were me I'd go on a date, should she ask, but I would be extremely cautious of her if she wanted us to get back together.

I won't ask her when we're out for that coffee as it might look like I'm too interested, which isn't even the case.

I am in exactly the same situation with one of my former dancing partners (overly hot and popular, two years older but working too much to have time for me), I decided to keep her as a friend, I think it's more refreshing for both of us that way.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo

Yep, I don't wanna know and I'm not interested either. What happened is between you and her. If anything, I would say your parents are the best people to ask, and I imagine that you already know what they're going to say. Judging by what you just told me, it seems like they will tell you straight out that you absolutely cannot go out with her. That being said, I would trust their judgement above anyone's.

Call it naivety, but I don't trust anything my parents say. If you want technicalities, my parents are split, and my mum's dating someone, so he's an almost step-dad. I rarely see my dad, and both mum and dad play the "He said, she said" debacle. My dad is far too tainted to be reliable (He'd be like, "go for it, son"), and my mum will go out of her way to make sure I have very little fun anyway. Like I said, she only kept her around to prove a point to me, and when we split up, she took it upon herself to pull the "I told you so".

Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo

That should instantly ring a bell, and not a very pleasant one. If she is just confused, any situation you get into with her, even if it's not a relationship, is bound to fade away quite quickly. A more correct term would be blow away though. The reason for that is because if she really is confused, she probably doesn't even know what she wants out of a relationship and still needs time to clear her head.



Yeah, but tbh, I've never really liked when a girl's answer is that she's confused. I would be very cautious in your place if you wanted to date her again. You may like her company, but things just don't bode well when you get that sort of answer.

It should be noted that she actually said "Dunno, just confusion I guess", which translates to me "Because I just did, okay?" Depending on how early I can drag myself out of bed, I might get on that bus again and go to the train station and spend some time with her trying to understand her motive (admittedly, the idea of a date at the train station is quite bad, especially when you're fitting it in the mere minutes before school, working it around a rather unreliable public transport timetable, and the station in question isn't what you'd call...particularly welcoming. The crime rate of the suburb itself is so high it's not funny). She was talking to her friend about it too, so it's not like she'd be lying to me. I'd probably go out with her again anyway. I cannot tell if it's worth it or not if I'm not going to find out for myself. If somebody put a million dollars on the table, I would, admittedly, take it without considering the consequences. However, most of the time I tread lightly. I am determined to be more careful this time around.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

The more cynical me would consider that she's playing you so that she'd ultimately dump you again and get some sort of twisted satisfaction from it, with the "I told you I was just confused" kind of line. However, this line troubles me
Although you seem to know her pretty well, I, as an outsider, think she's either unaware of your feelings towards her or purposefully ignores them while trying to force herself onto you, but the latter doesn't stick well with confusion.
Either way, her reason is weak and vague since it's a cheap ticket out of a relationship, if it were me I'd go on a date, should she ask, but I would be extremely cautious of her if she wanted us to get back together.

I wouldn't say she's sinister. She doesn't seem like the sadistic type who'd lead me around in circles for her entertainment. That said, (and one point I'm really really embarrassed about) she is stronger than me. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, ask her tomorrow, continue taking in advice from you guys, and make a decision.

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Harufox

Call it naivety, but I don't trust anything my parents say. If you want technicalities, my parents are split, and my mum's dating someone, so he's an almost step-dad. I rarely see my dad, and both mum and dad play the "He said, she said" debacle. My dad is far too tainted to be reliable (He'd be like, "go for it, son"), and my mum will go out of her way to make sure I have very little fun anyway. Like I said, she only kept her around to prove a point to me, and when we split up, she took it upon herself to pull the "I told you so".

Sorry about that, I didn't know your situation, I didn't mean to make assumptions.

Originally Posted by Harufox

It should be noted that she actually said "Dunno, just confusion I guess", which translates to me "Because I just did, okay?" Depending on how early I can drag myself out of bed, I might get on that bus again and go to the train station and spend some time with her trying to understand her motive (admittedly, the idea of a date at the train station is quite bad, especially when you're fitting it in the mere minutes before school, working it around a rather unreliable public transport timetable, and the station in question isn't what you'd call...particularly welcoming. The crime rate of the suburb itself is so high it's not funny). She was talking to her friend about it too, so it's not like she'd be lying to me. I'd probably go out with her again anyway. I cannot tell if it's worth it or not if I'm not going to find out for myself. If somebody put a million dollars on the table, I would, admittedly, take it without considering the consequences. However, most of the time I tread lightly. I am determined to be more careful this time around.

You know her better than me I guess, but I'd still be really careful. I never like when a girl says she's confused or her situation is complicated. Don't go looking for something deep yet, and don't try to rush it because like all things, doing something in a hurry will make things worse than they could've been.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Harufox

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, ask her tomorrow, continue taking in advice from you guys, and make a decision.

I got into this rather late, but I'm just going to echo what Yoko said before and be very, very careful with this. Especially with her response to your question, which just seems extremely off to me.

Personally, if it were me I wouldn't even give her the time of day, but then again my view is pretty similar to Chey's, heh. If I broke up with somebody once before, I'm not going to bother trying to date them again even if they want me back. It doesn't bode very well for a relationship when the two involved keep breaking up and getting back together.

[hinakatbklyn]

Originally Posted by Harufox

I wouldn't say she's sinister. She doesn't seem like the sadistic type who'd lead me around in circles for her entertainment. That said, (and one point I'm really really embarrassed about) she is stronger than me. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now, ask her tomorrow, continue taking in advice from you guys, and make a decision.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I'm just going to echo what Yoko said before and be very, very careful with this. Especially with her response to your question, which just seems extremely off to me.

If I broke up with somebody once before, I'm not going to bother trying to date them again even if they want me back. It doesn't bode very well for a relationship when the two involved keep breaking up and getting back together.

If there were problems in the past, you both move on. The same problem can repeat itself in this type of scenario. But I wouldn't say it's impossible. There maybe only a small handful of exceptions where it works out the second time around. (It could also get worse with each extra chance you give someone).

In this case, it all comes down to how sincere the other person is and if you believe what she says. It doesn't hurt to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but be careful with with what you decide about second chances because if you believe the same thing is going to happen again, move on.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo

I could do that, but the last time I did something like that, it didn't turn out really well at all. Plus, if she does break up, she'll need her time to recover and in such an instance, I don't want to be simply a shoulder to cry on if I want to pursue something with her. I won't pretend that I'm interested though. I was curious more than anything. I do like what Kafriel said though, so I will definitely keep that in mind next time I speak to her. Thanks a lot!

Every girl is different though. Some are quick to hop on the next guy (whether it's a rebound or genuine interest) while others feel the need to wait a while once they're out of a relationship...which is fine of course.

Just saying, don't use your past failure as a reason to not try the same thing again.

Oh and if you ever feel like you're just being the doormat for a rebound or maybe just in the friend zone, bail...or tell the woman straight up.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo

Sorry about that, I didn't know your situation, I didn't mean to make assumptions.

That's fine. It's not like that's such a situation that actually happens often with people.

Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo

You know her better than me I guess, but I'd still be really careful. I never like when a girl says she's confused or her situation is complicated. Don't go looking for something deep yet, and don't try to rush it because like all things, doing something in a hurry will make things worse than they could've been.

It is something that sort of took me aback. Perhaps maybe I'll ask her what she meant by "confusion I guess". We both have a tendency to use the wrong words at the wrong time.

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I got into this rather late, but I'm just going to echo what Yoko said before and be very, very careful with this. Especially with her response to your question, which just seems extremely off to me.

Personally, if it were me I wouldn't even give her the time of day, but then again my view is pretty similar to Chey's, heh. If I broke up with somebody once before, I'm not going to bother trying to date them again even if they want me back. It doesn't bode very well for a relationship when the two involved keep breaking up and getting back together.

Unfortunately for me, I'm a bit too opportunistic. Again, if somebody puts themselves in front of me with a place card saying "Date me", I'd grab a marker and write "Okay". At the time of writing this, my judgement is sort of off (I only had 2 hours sleep last night because I was still thinking about it).

Originally Posted by hinakatbklyn

If there were problems in the past, you both move on. The same problem can repeat itself in this type of scenario. But I wouldn't say it's impossible. There maybe only a small handful of exceptions where it works out the second time around. (It could also get worse with each extra chance you give someone).

In this case, it all comes down to how sincere the other person is and if you believe what she says. It doesn't hurt to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, but be careful with with what you decide about second chances because if you believe the same thing is going to happen again, move on.

I believe she's quite sincere, but again, I cannot answer the question at the given time because I only know so much.

Originally Posted by Yoko Takeo

I have a question of my own now actually. Yesterday, this girl from work started talking to me through the server and one of my friends caught me and said I hit the jackpot. Everyone says she is quite gorgeous (and I can vouch for that). However, I hear she already has a bf but nobody knows for sure. How should I investigate this?

"Hit the jackpot"? I'd say before succumbing to office gossip, find out who this person actually is. If she's at work, I garner you already know the answer to that. As the rumours are from the grape vine, such claims are hardly verifiable ( Office gossip is a severe dampener on business productivity btw ). I'd be contradicting myself with my issue if I were to say looking at going out with her isn't a good idea, but it helps to check your facts. You're going to have to ask her straight out.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by hinakatbklyn

If there were problems in the past, you both move on. The same problem can repeat itself in this type of scenario. But I wouldn't say it's impossible. There maybe only a small handful of exceptions where it works out the second time around. (It could also get worse with each extra chance you give someone).

I never understood this logic at all, honestly. To me, in my thinking, if you were dating someone and it didn't work out the first time around, what can possibly make you think that hooking up with them again for another shot is going to work the second time? It seems foolish to me, and easily could become a harmful cycle if it goes into an endless loop of breaking up and getting back together.

Originally Posted by Harufox

Unfortunately for me, I'm a bit too opportunistic. Again, if somebody puts themselves in front of me with a place card saying "Date me", I'd grab a marker and write "Okay". At the time of writing this, my judgement is sort of off (I only had 2 hours sleep last night because I was still thinking about it).

Well, if you want to take a shot at it, I certainly won't say anything against it. In the end, we can all only give you our opinions on the matter; and IMO, I still stand by what I said before. If you broke up once already, it really isn't worth taking another chance, especially since the person will get used to that cycle.

[Haruka_Kitten]

I'll probably stress now I don't like the idea of an On-again, off-again relationship. If it goes up in smoke again, I'm definitely looking elsewhere.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Harufox

I'll probably stress now I don't like the idea of an On-again, off-again relationship. If it goes up in smoke again, I'm definitely looking elsewhere.

I'm not saying you do. I just find the logic of getting back together faulty. Even if things go south and you break up again, she's going to have it somewhere in the back of her mind that she can always come back to you if things don't work out because you accepted her once before.

[deathcurse]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

I never understood this logic at all, honestly. To me, in my thinking, if you were dating someone and it didn't work out the first time around, what can possibly make you think that hooking up with them again for another shot is going to work the second time? It seems foolish to me, and easily could become a harmful cycle if it goes into an endless loop of breaking up and getting back together.

Hm, I agree with you in general, but at the same time, if both parties have changed and grown enough as people in the time apart, the second time around could technically be between people who are very different from who they were before . So it wouldn't be a "pick up where we left off" but more of a "let's get to know each other again as new people"...

Of course, that sounds better theoretically than in reality .

[Kaijo]

Originally Posted by Harufox

I'll probably stress now I don't like the idea of an On-again, off-again relationship. If it goes up in smoke again, I'm definitely looking elsewhere.

As opposed to some, I don't see much harm in trying again, but it did kinda depend on why you broke up, and your individual circumstances. You know each other, you know your issues, and I am a believer in second chances. But if the second chance is blown, then you have issues, heh.

Getting back together over and over again, probably a no-no. A second chance? Probably. Just take it easy, remember why you broke up, and get to know her all over again. People can make a second chance work, if they both want it, so you have to decide whether you want it or not.

[Kafriel]

I only had 2 hours sleep last night because I was still thinking about it

She's not the only girl you're ever going to meet in your life! Don't think about it too much, just deal with it when that time comes...getting worked up now doesn't change anything either.

if both parties have changed and grown enough as people in the time apart, the second time around could technically be between people who are very different from who they were before

It's only been five months, the only thing that's changed is haircuts A normal space of change would be at least 2 years, should be enough to completely change a person's character.

Even if things go south and you break up again, she's going to have it somewhere in the back of her mind that she can always come back to you if things don't work out because you accepted her once before.

That's arguable, some people only give others 2 chances and keep it that way...and naturally, anyone would get bored of being "lost and found" every few months, even if they were in love with their abuser.

[Tsuyoshi]

Originally Posted by Harufox

Unfortunately for me, I'm a bit too opportunistic. Again, if somebody puts themselves in front of me with a place card saying "Date me", I'd grab a marker and write "Okay". At the time of writing this, my judgement is sort of off (I only had 2 hours sleep last night because I was still thinking about it).

Wow, that's opportunism at its finest. I'd never date a girl if she just randomly asked me to, especially when I don't know much about her. The ironic thing is that in most cases, dating someone is in fact the only way to get to know her better. As long as you know where to draw a line between "getting to know someone" and "pursuing a relationship" then it should be fine. A lot of people don't do this though because they tend to associate dating exclusively with the latter.

Originally Posted by Harufox

I believe she's quite sincere, but again, I cannot answer the question at the given time because I only know so much.

Sincere about liking you, or sincere that she's grown more mature since the last time you were together?

Originally Posted by Harufox

"Hit the jackpot"? I'd say before succumbing to office gossip, find out who this person actually is. If she's at work, I garner you already know the answer to that. As the rumours are from the grape vine, such claims are hardly verifiable ( Office gossip is a severe dampener on business productivity btw ). I'd be contradicting myself with my issue if I were to say looking at going out with her isn't a good idea, but it helps to check your facts. You're going to have to ask her straight out.

I know her and I've seen her around even though she's not with our team. She's a very nice girl and very beautiful. She's not someone I wouldn't consider going out with. Like you say, eventually, it will have to come down to me asking her directly, but I don't want to do that while looking like I'm actually interested in her because I'm not. At least not yet and I don't have a reason to be. I'm also quite skeptical about her because she comes from a completely different culture which, from my experience, is largely incompatible with mine.

Originally Posted by deathcurse

Hm, I agree with you in general, but at the same time, if both parties have changed and grown enough as people in the time apart, the second time around could technically be between people who are very different from who they were before . So it wouldn't be a "pick up where we left off" but more of a "let's get to know each other again as new people"...

Of course, that sounds better theoretically than in reality .

If the two sides have matured and learned from their mistakes, then trying to be together again isn't a bad idea if they know what their limits are. If they know where they went wrong, it is very possible for them to be together again. But tbh, five months isn't enough time for that, especially when the girl claims she is "confused."

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by Kaijo

As opposed to some, I don't see much harm in trying again, but it did kinda depend on why you broke up, and your individual circumstances. You know each other, you know your issues, and I am a believer in second chances. But if the second chance is blown, then you have issues, heh.

Getting back together over and over again, probably a no-no. A second chance? Probably. Just take it easy, remember why you broke up, and get to know her all over again. People can make a second chance work, if they both want it, so you have to decide whether you want it or not.

Adding a bit to this, I actually know a couple that broke up a few times before going steady and then getting married. I know they've been married for more than ten years now, but they seem like an oddity. Most couples I know that try to get back together don't manage to make things work.

I have a friend who has been with her bf for three years now, but a few years before getting together again, they had broken up, but it was because he was going to study abroad at the time. When he got back they got back together so in this case, they had never broken up in bad terms or anything like it.

The only way to find out whether you two will work out or not is by trying, I guess.

[Haruka_Kitten]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

She's not the only girl you're ever going to meet in your life! Don't think about it too much, just deal with it when that time comes...getting worked up now doesn't change anything either.

I have rather odd sleeping habits.

It's only been five months, the only thing that's changed is haircuts A normal space of change would be at least 2 years, should be enough to completely change a person's character.

That's arguable, some people only give others 2 chances and keep it that way...and naturally, anyone would get bored of being "lost and found" every few months, even if they were in love with their abuser.

I understand the risks. again, I won't give a third chance.

I'm keeping it brief. i've been given a spare motorola and i'm having trouble using it though. normal posting will resume tomorrow.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Harufox

I understand the risks. again, I won't give a third chance.

Honestly, five months isn't enough time for a person to change completely, and I wouldn't even think of giving her a second chance, but.... I'm not you.

[Haruka_Kitten]

I talked to her. I made a mistake in the "confusion" bit. Confusion was the reaction she had when she realised that she liked me not the reason why she decided to want to go out with me..that might clear up some stuff