Friendship

[Hera]

Back to my conflict with my friend where I believe both of us were at fault:
Even after I humbled myself by admitting my fault and using "I" statements to avoid blaming, he still kept defending himself, using "you" statements, insisted the he didn't do anything wrong and that I should apologize.
I plan on ignoring him for a week to let him cool down, then revisit the topic. But I'm not sure if I should apologize as he demanded, or try to talk to him so he can see his fault, too. His pride is big, so I don't think he will ever apologize.
Or I can ignore him for as long as I can, until he comes to me calmly.
Which is a better way to deal with it?

[warita]

Originally Posted by Hera

Which is a better way to deal with it?

And once again details about the nature of the argument would be great.

How are we to asses what kind of reaction would be appropriate in this situations, if we know nothing about the argument?

[Marcus H.]

I'm currently having a tough time with my friend for 6 years.

Her boyfriend (which turns out to be quite good in the game) trashed me and my team in a guild PVP event, and I was immediately disheartened by the defeat, as I wasn't even given a chance to defend myself. While I was overwhelmed by the urge to talk to other people about it, I posted about my problem — along with my diminishing interest to continue playing the game — in the game's forums.

My friend ended up getting mad at me for not manning up, and she remains unresponsive to my post of apology in Facebook.

I admit that I'm not comfortable when there's a problem and I don't have anyone to talk about it, and I fear that being impatient might worsen things. What should I do in this situation? I don't want to lose a friend just because I'm such a n00b in-game.

[HasuMasu]

^ Blame it on our country's lag, there is no escaping the dreaded 9999 ping all across Luzon, Visayas, and Mindanao.

Seriously though, have you tried apologizing in person? Not that I see any reason you should apologize in the first place, I've never been good at any game ever (weather it be video games, board games, parlor games, or larong kalsada). If you're also friends with her boyfriend then that makes it easier, though from your wording I doubt that's the case.

Anyway, first step is just talk to the one who's mad at you, preferably face-to-face--it'll sort itself out from there considering you've been friends with her for quite some time as it is.

[Marcus H.]

The problem is she's several kilometers away. And I'm fine with her boyfriend, it's just that he has been playing the game longer than I do (i.e. he has better items than mine) and his skills in-game cannot be properly translated into a necessary upgrade of equipment (i.e. he's just that good). In fact, she even showed insecurities of her own when her boyfriend was showing his skills to her in PVP.

I'm trying to contact her through whatever means possible, but there is no response from her.

[HasuMasu]

Originally Posted by Marcus H.

The problem is she's several kilometers away. And I'm fine with her boyfriend, it's just that he has been playing the game longer than I do (i.e. he has better items than mine) and his skills in-game cannot be properly translated into a necessary upgrade of equipment (i.e. he's just that good). In fact, she even showed insecurities of her own when her boyfriend was showing his skills to her in PVP.

I'm trying to contact her through whatever means possible, but there is no response from her.

Oh damn, well if this has been going on for a while I can think of two reasons.

1. She somehow can't contact you./She isn't aware you're contacting her.
2. She's really damn pissed.

Neither of those seem likely to me at all, so you lost at a game and you expressed your disappointment--so what? The fact that you can't meet face-to-face just makes it more complicated and confusing.


Somehow after hearing about your case, I may now be even more confused than you are. this is what we call 'malabo'.

[Marcus H.]

Don't worry, it's just been half a day since she posted in Facebook that she's angry. Although since this is the first time that she has become this angry, it's worrying me.

Fortunately, according to my other friend, who can contact her, she's busy at work, although I also saw her posts in the aforementioned game's forum, so I assume that she decided to not respond. Well, she had given her boyfriend the silent treatment a few weeks ago when she realizes that she might be making little progress compared to her boyfriend's powerful character. I might be experiencing the same thing.

[Paranoid Android]

Well this is interesting to read, I might be a hardcore gamer in MMORPG and RTS but it's never tied to anything like this kind of thing. Unfortunately I have nothing constructive.

Now my own question, this isn't current but it's just me thinking of the past and there was one thing that I never understood which used to bother me. Is it wrong for a close female friend to constantly say how similar I am to her boyfriend? That was just so messed up, but then again, she was always the kind of socially in-some-distant-incomprehensible-dream-world person.

Was she saying that for my sake (for some strange reason), or she just doesn't get what loyalty is and how a boyfriend differs from a close male friend?

[warita]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

Is it wrong for a close female friend to constantly say how similar I am to her boyfriend? That was just so messed up, but then again, she was always the kind of socially in-some-distant-incomprehensible-dream-world person.

Maybe she means it only as a compliment or she is in fact hitting on you. Hard to say, but your gut feeling will probably tell you more.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

Is it wrong for a close female friend to constantly say how similar I am to her boyfriend?

Yes
wether meant as positive or negative, if it constantly comes up, I'd call it suspicious

[monsta666]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

Now my own question, this isn't current but it's just me thinking of the past and there was one thing that I never understood which used to bother me. Is it wrong for a close female friend to constantly say how similar I am to her boyfriend? That was just so messed up, but then again, she was always the kind of socially in-some-distant-incomprehensible-dream-world person.

Well the answer would depend on how much she likes her boyfriend. If she is really into him then I would take it as a complement. Then again the fact she mentions it so often is a little odd. The only way it would not be considered odd is if you share some trait with her boyfriend that is unmistakeable and other people apart from her pick up on. I am assuming that is not the case and perhaps there is some hidden message behind what she is saying. She may not be intentionally giving this hidden message but the fact she repeats it says something. Now that doesn't necessarily mean it is a bad thing, perhaps she feels at ease with a certain personality and you fill that. It is hard to determine whether it is good or bad but just think how much she is into her boyfriend when deciding on an answer.

[Paranoid Android]

Most of her feelings and actions are contradiction so it's hard to say. They didn't last long and broke up later. We also 'broke up' our friendship after that because I couldn't stand her issues and the way she contradicts herself. It's just unnecessary stress for me. We've been friends for an extremely long time but she's one of those people who either never grew up or grew up and became someone else that I wouldn't want to be friends with.

Anyways, it's just a curiousity thing. I just wanted to know if other people feel the way I did and found those kind of comments awkward. I wouldn't say she was complimenting me. She had a lot of arguments with her boyfriend and she keeps telling me that the ways I act and think are like her bf.

[Hera]

I'm very confused... need your thoughts on this - I'll try to be succinct:

I've been friends with a guy (let's call him B). He's one of the nicest friends and people I've known. He told me he considered me one of his best friends, and so did I.

Recently, I introduced him to a girl friend of mine (let's call her K) whom I've known for a much longer time. She's very pretty and I can tell B is attracted to her. In front of B, she started to act... weird and outrageous, such as, talking about sex, men, etc. to him, trying very hard to impress him. A new side of her that I had never seen before. She even tried to put me down in front of him. She even tried (implicitly, not obviously) to exclude me from the group.

K is dating M for 2 years. But during her talk with B (when I was also there), she told him that her relationship was at the point where she didn't care if her BF left...

She told me "nice to meet your acquaintance (B)" while she told him that "we could be best friends"... (meaning, she saw me and B as "acquaintances" while she's trying to achieve "best friends" status with him).

I think she's playing "games" on him, too, such as making him wait when she said she'd be there, making him miss her. B shared his anxiety and worries with me whenever she "stood him up" or when she waited a long time before replying to his messages.

Sometimes she said things she didn't mean because she knew those were the things B wanted to hear, in other words, to make B like her. B talked about his best male friend H all the time. So she also tried to win H over, with the main target being B.

I thought since I've been friends with her for a longer time (but I'm not close to her as I am with B), she wouldn't try to "steal" my friend, but... In short, she's really made an effort to win B's favor...

B didn't notice. B is a very very kind and trusting person, so he never doubts anything.

And I think she's succeeded. B told me he thought K was a nice girl, and that he could bring K to my level - best friends - while he's only known her for a month.

I talked to B about how I felt I was being exluded, and he felt bad about it... But I haven't talked to him about HER, although he's asked me many times what I honestly think about her.

Should I tell him the truth?

Should I talk to him about how I feel K is trying to "steal" him for herself... and that I feel he's drifting away..?
Or should I leave him alone? because... he might be fascinated by her for a while and it'll wear off

[MUAHAHAHAHAHA]

I suppose there are 2 ways of looking at this.


1)Seeing as you are a girl, and B is a guy, I don't think you should tell him that he's drifting away. Why? Cause if you do that, B might think that you are falling for him, and it's going to be awkward facing him. Worse, if B tells K about your insecurity, K might plant it in his head that you are jealous. Seeing as B is rather a naive person, he might trust K's words.

2)But if it's bothering you so much, then just be honest about it and tell him what you think of K. Since he asks you abt K, you might want to choose to answer his questions since he's the one doing the asking. So it won't seem like you are bitching abt K on purpose.

[Hera]

Regarding 1), It's not necessarily a bf-gf situation... here she's trying to displace me as "B's best friend" and probably has other motives as well...
I'm sure B will never tell K what we've talked about...
I have a bit of trouble with putting all of this in a positive light, to NOT sound like I'm bitching on K.

[MUAHAHAHAHAHA]

Originally Posted by Hera

Regarding 1), It's not necessarily a bf-gf situation... here she's trying to displace me as "B's best friend" and probably has other motives as well...
I'm sure B will never tell K what we've talked about...

If you are sure that your concern is not completely unfounded, then go ahead and tell B about it. Doubts and misunderstandings are two of the worst things that could happen in a friendship. Just be honest with him then. He might appreciate your honesty and your POV since you have known him much longer than K.

And have you ever thought abt confronting K abt it?

[Hera]

Confront K?
Talking to K wouldn't be the same as talking to B. And.. I doubt she'll change just because I talk to her.

[warita]

Lol,.... i love your relationship fetish Hera-chan.


Anyways, for a change I can contribute something to this discussion that could be potentially of help to you.

Lets say that I had a female friend some time ago, her name was Y. Y was always very nice to me, made me feel like we are really good friends.... but as time went on, I noticed she is being nice to quite a lot of people and I also noticed, that she especially favours young guys to the point she is literally asslicking them to get into their good graces. I was shocked by this behaviour and the more time passed, the more I saw how shallow, mean and especially manipulative this person is.

To cut a long story short, we had a small fallout. Nothing big actually happened, I just let her understand, I dont really approve of what she is doing and ever since then, she gave me the silent treatment. But it didnt end there. Next thing I hear is, that she had a talk with my boyfriend (back then we were barely only few weeks together) and she told him I am a drama queen, I am clingy and generally a bad person and sure he is free to date me, but she warned him, so he shouldnt be sorry when our relationship hits a dead end and he should brace himself for the drama that will follow afterwards. Obviously she expected my boyfriend to drop me, but that didnt happen and so she stopped talking to him as well and started spreading bad rumors about both of us. Basically, she badmouthed us to everybody we know. We were both shocked by this behaviour and distanced ourselves from her completely.

Here comes act number two. So my boyfriend had a very good friend, lets call him J. It so happens, that J was also good friends with Y and well, we felt that Y was taking advantage of J, so we tried to explain to him, what kind of person Y is and that he should be careful. He didnt believe us, because Y is such a nice person and he trusts her and the conflict we had with her was just some kind of misunderstanding. Me and my bf insisted he opens his eyes, but to no avail, he got mad and stopped talking to both of us.

Act three: J finally noticed what person she really is. They had a fallout and now she is ignoring him as well. It would seem that when her manipulations dont work anymore and you realize what person she really is, she writes you off and stops talking to you. J now sees how blind he was and feels pretty stupid.

So to summarize it:

1. Confronting K wont help, because she will get mad at you, cut you off and badmouth you to everybody who is willing to listen
2. Talking to B about it wont help either, because he is blinded by her manipulations and he will just think you are trying to alienate him from her and believe me, she will tell him as much herself. She will make it sound like you are the bad one and she is so innocent and completely didnt deserve any of this.

So then, what could you do in this situation? See, I think that as with most things in life, everybody needs to make a few bad experiences to learn. Your friend B is trusting and kind and he needs to learn that even though it is a good thing he is so kind, there are people who will take advantage of him, if he shows his soft side to the wrong people. You cant spare him that experience and he will learn the fastest, when he burns himself.

What you CAN do is to have a very careful talk to him. Let him know that some girls can be rather manipulative and it may seem that K is a nice girl, but she isnt the way she appears to be. Choose your words very wisely, so it doesnt sound like you are trying to badmouth her. He wont probably listen to you, but your words will be in the back of his mind and when he finally starts noticing that K isnt such a great person after all, it will help him to overcome the problem and he will likely come to you for advice.

[Nightbat®]

Originally Posted by warita

Lol,.... i love your relationship fetish Hera-chan.


Anyways, for a change I can contribute something to this discussion that could be potentially of help to you.

Lets say that I had a female friend some time ago, her name was Y. Y was always very nice to me, made me feel like we are really good friends.... but as time went on, I noticed she is being nice to quite a lot of people and I also noticed, that she especially favours young guys to the point she is literally asslicking them to get into their good graces. I was shocked by this behaviour and the more time passed, the more I saw how shallow, mean and especially manipulative this person is.

That's why I usually associate easier with the a-hole/blunt/don'tgiveacrap kind of people then those that are 'first impression' friendly/considerate/charming

I'm not saying friendly people are by definition selfcentered or manipulative
It's just that the grumpy/rough people already introduce you to the 'lesser qualities' very person has
(there is ofcourse a limit to how much of an A-hole a person is that I will/want to associate with them)

[Hera]

Thank you all for replying

@warita, he has come to me for advice (daily lol) because this girl has given him enough headache already. Still he believes she's a nice person lol