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Old 2008-06-03, 10:32   Link #761
Comartemis
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Age: 36
Weeeell, this is the best I can offer, but I'll give it a shot anyways.

*ahem*

In the past few days, I have begun collaborating with Kha and Keroko on the opening stages of my very own version of Kerokanon starring Iris as the Keroko-equivalent. The reason why I announce this now is because one of the most important parts of this canon is the systematic destruction of all Hayate-shafting in canon, beginning with her status as a glass cannon and ending with her taking center stage in the storyline, along with Iris.

Current plans have Iris showing up in Uminari during the S1-S2 timeskip, encountering Hayate and the Wolks by chance, and ganging up on Nanoha and Fate with them during A's. Expect her to clash numerous times with Chrono for the sake of balance in the 'duel' scenario. Following A's, Hayate's enhanced control over her powers enables her to take part in missions with the other Aces instead of being relegated to a support role. This will have numerous very significant impacts on the course of the A's-StrikerS timeskip, eventually turning the entire canon inside out and upside down with the introduction of a few new OCs in addition to Iris. Expect to see some of my other OCs (such as a revamped and rebalanced Zero) have roles to play in this story at some point.
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Old 2008-06-03, 10:50   Link #762
AdmiralTigerclaw
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Incoming funkiness and silly nods.

Here is the first scene of Marcellus Fabrizio (AKA: Zorg)... showing just how fruity he really is.

Spoiler for Who would know about this kind of cybernetic system?:



Spoiler for Nods and refferences:



Have fun with that stuff...
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Old 2008-06-03, 11:22   Link #763
Jimmy C
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AdmiralTigerClaw View Post
Spoiler for Who would know about this kind of cybernetic system?:
Yeah, and after the first unwitting mage that touches it blows up, they'll pick up the next one with tongs.
Btw, it's "Bureau" not "Beaurau".
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Old 2008-06-03, 11:35   Link #764
Evangelion Xgouki
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheba View Post
Or a more extreme take on this ho so common anime trope.
Vivio took the title from Fate, LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tk3997 View Post
Dude it’s a mad science lab it’s gotta have green slime! Its right next to the Tesla coil and brain jars.
Does that include Yuri's brain?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tk3997 View Post
No acutally I got a grant from the Institute of Unnecessary Overkill this is more a test run for the army of clones I'm going to use to pilot them.
Ah, I see I see

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fenris Blacwell View Post
Speaking of, why was the TSAB run by brains in jars? That just seems kind of....lacking.
Not run...more like watched over and manipulated from in the shadows. It's more like they used their power to manipulate events to their whim like by gaining the trust of those in power. A bit like SEELE...though they used Sound-Only floating monitors rather than ominous black monoliths

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kha View Post
Name starts with K... Melees quite a bit with some ranged ability... Pretty well balanced spell loadout... Not only does she resemble Keroko, she also has elements of Kha in it.

In fact... It resembles both Kha and Keroko... Karu lost both her parents... Masaka!

*runs around screaming in Khrack*

Looks like she has a bit in common with my two OCs, too . Both lost their parents though in a more...brutal way. Shamsel just doesn't remember what happened after the incident

Shamsel: What does that have to do with anything?

Evangeline: *shrug*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keroko View Post
Kha and Keroko's illegimate child that was forgotten?

Though Keroko forgetting she has a child fails to compute, this Khrack is powerfull...
...silly khrack

---------------------------------------

It's still 06/03 here . But what the hell:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAYATE!!!!


*hands Hayate a present*












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Old 2008-06-03, 11:47   Link #765
AdmiralTigerclaw
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy C View Post
Yeah, and after the first unwitting mage that touches it blows up, they'll pick up the next one with tongs.
Btw, it's "Bureau" not "Beaurau".
For some reason, my mind interconnects the spelling of beautiful... so it only seems right when I'm typing. No big deal, I'll screw with it when I stitch all my scenes together into their proper chapters.
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Old 2008-06-03, 11:59   Link #766
dkellis
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Quick check with you guys: is anyone writing or planning to write anything involving the names:

Rubicante
Antaeus
Harlequin
Lethe

or any variation thereof?

I figured I should ask to be safe. These will be minor characters, but I don't want any inadvertant conflicts.

-

I am incredibly tempted to actually submit my timeline for my OCs, but I don't know how spoilery I should make it.
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Old 2008-06-03, 12:09   Link #767
Keroko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
Quick check with you guys: is anyone writing or planning to write anything involving the names:

Rubicante
Antaeus
Harlequin
Lethe

or any variation thereof?

I figured I should ask to be safe. These will be minor characters, but I don't want any inadvertant conflicts.
None of those names has been used so far, if I recall. though we do have a Leti in canon (the purple-haired admiral friend of Lindy).

Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
I am incredibly tempted to actually submit my timeline for my OCs, but I don't know how spoilery I should make it.
In my opinion? Spoilery. More to read and comment on.
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Old 2008-06-03, 12:18   Link #768
Tk3997
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dkellis View Post
Quick check with you guys: is anyone writing or planning to write anything involving the names:

Rubicante
Antaeus
Harlequin
Lethe

or any variation thereof?

I figured I should ask to be safe. These will be minor characters, but I don't want any inadvertant conflicts.

-
If they're minor some name overlap would hardly be an issue anyway I mean I go down the DMV and they try to look me up and get like a 1000 "Robert Ryan's" for instance.

Quote:
I am incredibly tempted to actually submit my timeline for my OCs, but I don't know how spoilery I should make it.
Well it's really up to you I have something like that as well, but I'm pretty vague for the most part I'll talk characterization, but not plot for the most part so I don't really talk allot about what I have planned for them unless it's needed (like if someone wants to use them at some future date).
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Old 2008-06-03, 12:22   Link #769
Keroko
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And of course a vague timeline makes it easy to make adjustments to the events.
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Old 2008-06-03, 12:39   Link #770
Raging Heart
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i need a help in fiction i am writing i am doing on it a crossover with an anime, i have two anime: Strawberry panic and Kannazuki No Miko which one to choose, i don't know.


and well i did choose a title for my fiction: Fire Emblem Seal.

yep Nanoha, Karu, Keroko, Fate, Hayate will have to dea wth Fire Emblem Seal.
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Old 2008-06-03, 13:04   Link #771
ShiniIllumi
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*peeks in and blinks* ...um... *looks around shyly* I've been sent here... to post my characters.

They're from a fanfic I'm writing in the Fanfic Thread... but I think it's time I posted info about them so they aren't so random.

*plays with her shirt* T_T please go easy on me !

Spoiler for Suki Motomiya:
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Old 2008-06-03, 13:10   Link #772
Keroko
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raging Heart View Post
i need a help in fiction i am writing i am doing on it a crossover with an anime, i have two anime: Strawberry panic and Kannazuki No Miko which one to choose, i don't know.


and well i did choose a title for my fiction: Fire Emblem Seal.

yep Nanoha, Karu, Keroko, Fate, Hayate will have to dea wth Fire Emblem Seal.
Well, I've seen a few episodes of the first, but not the second, so I can't really help you here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShiniIllumi View Post
*peeks in and blinks* ...um... *looks around shyly* I've been sent here... to post my characters.

They're from a fanfic I'm writing in the Fanfic Thread... but I think it's time I posted info about them so they aren't so random.

*plays with her shirt* T_T please go easy on me !

Spoiler for Suki Motomiya:
Well, without the spoilers there is little we can say. So far I see nothing wrong. A tomboyish girl who loves PE, whats not to like?
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Old 2008-06-03, 13:11   Link #773
Tormenk
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*pops in*

Quick present then.

Spoiler:


Wordier than I expected but I felt like it so what the heck.


*pops out*
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Old 2008-06-03, 13:19   Link #774
Raging Heart
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[QUOTE=Keroko;1630938]Well, I've seen a few episodes of the first, but not the second, so I can't really help you here.


that's ok but i have to choose between both them snice i watched both, oh wait i get it now.

i will write my fic crossover with Strawberry panic and Nanoha, that will be fun, the evil spica along with others will be cool.

well the fic will be @ deviantart.
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Old 2008-06-03, 13:28   Link #775
Aaron008R
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Join Date: Mar 2007
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Once again,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAYATE!!!








[Load Cartridge...]

[EXPROZION!!!]


~~~~BLUECHEESIUM POST!!~~~~

~~~~BIRTHDAY SPECIAL!!!~~~~


~MSLN GenerationS~
Chapter 3
Part 1

Spoiler for GenerationS: Chapter 3.1:


Well. That ended up longer than expected.

But that's not the end of it!!!

Please wait for the second part of my assortment of presents for Hayate!





Tormenk:



OH MY GOOOOOOODDDDD!!!!!!!

Man, you're an EPIC GENIUS!!!


That piece is just too awesome to bear!!! And the interaction felt so RIGHT!!! THANKS!!!!

Ugaaaahh~!

*Aaron008R dies*

*Aaron008R revives*

Cookie.:3 And the little take on the Blue Lily idea and turning it into this is GENIUS as well!!!


@Raging Heart: Welcome. I hope you enjoy your stay.
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OC Profiles
Yagami Hayate: ver. GenerationS; Part 1, Part 2

Last edited by Aaron008R; 2008-11-15 at 09:26.
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Old 2008-06-03, 13:31   Link #776
Tempy
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Hmm. Well, I have the time, so I might as well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raging Heart View Post
it's done, yep i made it, here is Karu's profile.


Name: Karu Takashi
Nickname: Lightning Devil.
Gender: Female.
Age: 14.
Birthday: 12th Feb.
Eyes: A mix of blue and gold
Hair: Black.
Magic System: Belka and Mid-childa.
Magic Color: blue, dark blue and black
Occupation/Rank: TSAB, Special Agent.
Mage Rank: B
Favored Element: Lightning and Shadow.
Device: Destiny.
Familiar: Willow.
Appearance: Karu looks like Fate, they both look like a twin but the hair color, eyes and style are not the same.
So good so far. However I'm a bit hesitant to accept the "looks like Fate but..." description. Expand upon it and make your own unique style and appearance rather than have Karu here look like a pseudo-clone of a character.

Quote:
History: Karu lost her parents when they were at trip, she was the only survivor of her family, her life change from that day, Karu along with her parents went to cruise, the ship stopped at island, Karu along her parents and some of passenger went to look around, they all got in cave, the only thing Karu saw is the black hawk real form before she black out, she didn’t remember anything of what happen, Karu moved to leave with her aunt and her family, Karu began to change both in her behavior and appearance, she become more aggressive, her blue eyes mix with gold, Karu is known as dangerous girl because she kicked ten boys on her own, Karu been castaway by others, she became lonely till she met a mage her name is Karai Tenshi who change Karu’s life, Karu began to learn magic from her teacher Karai, Karu learned how to control black hawk abilities, when Karu active her black hawk mode, Karu’s eyes become pure gold also a face of black hawk tattoo appear on her face (she looked like Devil Jin when the tattoo appear), Destiny was given to Karu by Karai, she learn how to create a familiar with a little help from Karai.
Ack. To be honest, this was a little difficult to read. Please work on the grammar and sentence structure.

Quote:
Personality: Karu is the type of person who can be your friend and also your enemy that make her hard to figure. Not being afraid to speak her mind, Karu will speak regardless of who she upsets, Karu is type who work alone, she’s shy about the people who don’t know, easily got embarrassing when someone tease her, she’s has sense of humor, she’s caring, kind and gentle, she also sensitive and hothead, aggressive – protective.
She's rather complex. I don't see anything wrong here.

Quote:
Device name: Destiny
Device type: Intelligent Device
Stored mode: a pendant has blue jewel (looks the same as Raising heart)
Command Phrase: Strike.
Address Karu by: Master.
Destiny looks exactly like Bardiche but the bladed of axe is broad at the top and thinner at the bottom, thinning out in straight line, the jewel is blue, Destiny retrofitted with a revolver-style cartridge system, Destiny has three forms: Haken, Lightning blade and Spear.
Again, I don't like the "Looks like this but..." descriptions as it feels like a cop out. Take your time to describe how Destiny is in the shape of a long-handled halberd or axe, and not a copy of Bardiche.

Quote:
Familiar: Willow is Karu’s familiar, she has green eyes, she can change her from to a little fox, woman-fox, woman and fox-demon, her hair in woman-fox and woman is red, Willow process with fire element, she’s strong and powerful, also fast, Willow process with fire element.
Fine here too.

Quote:
Barrier jacket/Knight armor:-


Barrier Jacket: dark blue blouse, sleeveless jacket, black trousers, belt, armor boots, black fingerless gloves.

Light Form: dark blue top, chest armor, steel gunlets and steel boot, belt.

Knight armor: dark blue top, black gloves, black and dark blue battle jacket, black trousers, mini open skirt, belt and the skirt gains several plated armor patches.
This is alright. Though I would like a description rather than a clothing list[/nitpick]

Quote:
Fight Styles: hand to hand combat, marital arts and street fight.


Offensive Spells:

Lightning ball: Karu crouches a little and pulls a hand behind her. she focuses energy in the palm for about a second and a half, and then let’s loose with a blue lightning ball.

Lightning Hammer: thunderbolt hit the target when Karu swing Destiny like a hammer.

Shadow coffin/s: this attack to catch and hit her target/s at same time then shock them.

Lightning befall:- this attack can uses to

Black Dragon nova: Black fire beams; that spell can only be done when Willow is around.

Massive lightning balls: balls of lightning appeared around Karu before it grow bigger and aim at her enemies.

Lightning Lancer: An attack that shoots several magic beams, which can then be controlled by Karu. This is a close second in terms of most used spells, mostly due to the increased hit rate and the ability to control the shots after firing.

Lightning swords: swords made of lightning aim at enemies.

Hawk claw: this spell only be use when Destiny in haken form.

Wing of death: this spell is powerful and can wipe up troops on mages.

Order of chaos: that spell is the most powerful of Karu’s spell, this spell can destroy the enemies with single one blow (this spell can be done only when Karu in Black Hawk mode.)
I'm sure you've been called out on this already, but I find the descriptions very lacking. With simple descriptions like that, there's a high chance of misinterpretations and thus, h4x. We want to avoid that, so give us more description. Tell us what the spell visually looks like, how it's fired and what Karu has to do in order to invoke the spell.

Wing of Death here has that issue. Is it literally a giant wing? Or a wave of energy? The way it sounds now, it can take out just about anyone regardless of skill or rank.

Order of Chaos is also highly susceptible to gross misinterpretation. Better description is needed. As it stands, Order of Chaos can one-shot anyone from a TSAB grunt to Nanoha. It's not to say that it actually can, but that's how it may be translated as.

Also at the risk of sounding like a nitpicking ass, the names could use a little more creativity other than stuff like "Lightning Ball."[/QUOTE]


Quote:
Defensive Spells:

Light flash: this spell can make someone blind for few moments, which make Karu escape.

Blocker: a defensive barrier such as Protection. It can defend a wide range of directions, but are relatively easy to break easily broken.

Shield: a defensive spell can only guard in one direction, but are much more difficult to penetrate. It’s much stronger can Blocker; this defends by repelling the energy driven against it.

Double shields: a defensive spell much stronger than Blocker and shield, it guard in two directions.

Force field: Defensive spell, it surrounds Karu or other in a blue field of energy.


Eco Scatter: Fires several bursts of magic like waves. Karu can also shatter the spheres, scattering them into many tiny magical particles into the air, which disrupt other magical abilities already active. When used like this, it is designed to break magical prisons, illusions, force fields and bindings.

Lightning binds: a spell can use to hold the mage on it’s place.

Hawk Full Drive: a spell to power Destiny attacks or defensives.

Shadow Move: An instant movement speed, used to close or create short distances. Karu has mastered the use of Shadow Move in combination with Lightning shooter.

Lightning Move: A movement increase speed of great proportions. This move literally shoots Karu forward in an aura of blue energy, this spell is mostly used to withdraw, give chase or get to a scene as fast as possible.

Binds breaker: a spell to break magic binds.
That's a lot of defensive spells for an assault oriented mage, but that's just my opinion. Other than that, the list seems alright.

In general, I will have to agree with Comar in that your spelling and grammar need to improve so that reading and interpretation of the profile is easier. That said, I also would like to repeat Kha's suggestion to tighten up and refine your descriptions so that it doesn't trigger any "WTFH4X!" moments. Karu looks interesting, you just need to refine it some more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raging Heart View Post
i need a help in fiction i am writing i am doing on it a crossover with an anime, i have two anime: Strawberry panic and Kannazuki No Miko which one to choose, i don't know.
How many characters do you want to work with? Strawberry Panic has a much larger cast than Kannazuki no Miko. Both series deal with yuri and shoujou-ai, but Kannazuki deals with one pair, whereas Strawberry has a whole slew of them.
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Old 2008-06-03, 13:47   Link #777
Raging Heart
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tempest Dynasty View Post
Hmm. Well, I have the time, so I might as well.



So good so far. However I'm a bit hesitant to accept the "looks like Fate but..." description. Expand upon it and make your own unique style and appearance rather than have Karu here look like a pseudo-clone of a character.


Ack. To be honest, this was a little difficult to read. Please work on the grammar and sentence structure.


She's rather complex. I don't see anything wrong here.


Again, I don't like the "Looks like this but..." descriptions as it feels like a cop out. Take your time to describe how Destiny is in the shape of a long-handled halberd or axe, and not a copy of Bardiche.


Fine here too.


This is alright. Though I would like a description rather than a clothing list[/nitpick]


I'm sure you've been called out on this already, but I find the descriptions very lacking. With simple descriptions like that, there's a high chance of misinterpretations and thus, h4x. We want to avoid that, so give us more description. Tell us what the spell visually looks like, how it's fired and what Karu has to do in order to invoke the spell.

Wing of Death here has that issue. Is it literally a giant wing? Or a wave of energy? The way it sounds now, it can take out just about anyone regardless of skill or rank.

Order of Chaos is also highly susceptible to gross misinterpretation. Better description is needed. As it stands, Order of Chaos can one-shot anyone from a TSAB grunt to Nanoha. It's not to say that it actually can, but that's how it may be translated as.

Also at the risk of sounding like a nitpicking ass, the names could use a little more creativity other than stuff like "Lightning Ball."


That's a lot of defensive spells for an assault oriented mage, but that's just my opinion. Other than that, the list seems alright.

In general, I will have to agree with Comar in that your spelling and grammar need to improve so that reading and interpretation of the profile is easier. That said, I also would like to repeat Kha's suggestion to tighten up and refine your descriptions so that it doesn't trigger any "WTFH4X!" moments. Karu looks interesting, you just need to refine it some more.



How many characters do you want to work with? Strawberry Panic has a much larger cast than Kannazuki no Miko. Both series deal with yuri and shoujou-ai, but Kannazuki deals with one pair, whereas Strawberry has a whole slew of them.[/QUOTE]


i will be working on it, i am working on chapter one, so i will clear it up soon in the story.

the grammer well i guess i need help on it, snice english is not my frist language, so it will be a little hard for me.

for the characters i will do it with Strawberry panic, let see who is in: some of them will play major roles along with Nanoha characters some of SP will pay small role.
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Old 2008-06-03, 13:50   Link #778
Raging Heart
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and what i mean by Karu looks like Fate, she and Fate looks like twin but Karu's hair short than Fate.

Karu's eyes are blue with mix of gold on them.

for Disteny well i will fix that now.
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Old 2008-06-03, 14:02   Link #779
PhoenixG
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Join Date: Jan 2008
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Age: 39
About grammar and spelling you could always ask a fellow cadian to proof-read it. At least I know that SpaceBrotha does it.
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Old 2008-06-03, 14:12   Link #780
Raging Heart
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thanks.

ok the i made few changes in Karu's profile.


damn the word microsoft never help at all in writing.
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