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Old 2009-10-12, 17:38   Link #1841
stubby42
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK/Canada
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I'm going to guess this is the pragmatic reason you can't ask for her number directly? If that's the case, maybe asking your friend for her number would be an acceptable alternative....but I'll still find whatever way I can to contact her by my own means, in any case.
I was a complete and utter idiot about that, to be fair my phone was dead but still I could of got her to write it down.

Right now going up to see her again isnt sounding like a totally bad idea because I'm rapidly running out of options.

I'm pretty sure my friend likes her...

He wouldnt give me her phone number, he said he has a policy of not giving out peoples numbers without permission but it sounds like an excuse.

She doesnt seem interested in him and he said he wasnt interested in her on the night out but I'm pretty sure thats not true.

This wouldnt be a problem but if I am visiting I'd be crashing at his for a while.

Thats got to put some strain on our friendship.
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Old 2009-10-12, 17:40   Link #1842
Splitpersonality
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Considering he hasn't explicitly told you he likes her, I honestly think it's his own fault!


If you move in now and take her before he does, if he's even trying, I can't see how that would be your fault.

I can see how he would blame you, but it's still not your fault for not being a mind-reader.
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Old 2009-10-12, 17:51   Link #1843
stubby42
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I know and I will feel guilt about that, but its more just the case that I'll be staying in his room for the forseable visits until the girl and I reach that hypothetical point where I can stay at hers.

Thats if he'll let me stay at all, I mean he wont out right say no but he might make excuses as to why I cant come.
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Old 2009-10-12, 17:51   Link #1844
Shinoto
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Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
It's true that your chances of forming a strong relationship are much improved when you're stable as an individual. In fact, one could argue that being stable on your own is a prerequisite for being able to form a stable, long-lasting, productive relationship.

I take issue with your rough demeanor. Splitpersonality seems to be a sensitive, thoughtful guy, perhaps to a fault. What he's writing isn't pathetic; I find it understandable. It isn't his fault and he shouldn't be blaming himself right now, but I don't think he should reject those types of thoughts entirely. Those sorts of feelings are what keep you humble enough in a relationship to be able to admit that you might be wrong and that you need to make changes. They're good feelings - you just need to make sure that who you pair up with also has those sorts of feelings, or else you'll be ripe for abuse.
No, That was being exceptionally benevolent with handling it. Regardless, reading it in a year will result in the same feeling as reading old Jr High material from school. You won't believe how utter stupid and wrapped up around a girl you got

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
I always thought that "guy feeling like it's his own fault" for being rejected only happened to people like "us" (those who think too much, may be humble, etc.). Most guys either have or put up a show of having enough confidence that you could power a city with it - if a girl rejects him, then she either can't see how great he was or she was trash anyway (in the guy's opinion). It's a stereotype I've been exposed to, anyway - maybe you're from an area where sensitivity is a bit more readily available.
You know, this is kinda ironic about what you said above.

1. You either have confidence or you don't, There is no show. And being blunt, if your confidence is any less than powering a state, you're not confident enough
2. You can be disappointed or sad if she rejects you. Nothing stopping you, just don't breakdown because of it. The thing most people who lack confidence do is invest too much into a single girl. They make it out to be this big elaborate deal, and end up investing months of time and dreams into her before even taking her out once.
You want the blunt honest truth, There is not a girl out there worth more than 5minutes of your sadness. Because do you know how many dozens of wonderful girls out there you're missing while pouting over one. Why throw all your investments into one. I'm exaggerating on the time portion, but notion is true. Don't treat the girl like the "The One" which many guys who lack self confidence do. They come off creepy, desperate, and sound like a loser. If your feeling something for her, just ask her out. Want a trick? Give her your number and say call me. That means if she calls you, she's interested and if she doesn't then she's not. Simple, easy, done.
3. Help is always available. Want help? Talk to another guy, be friends with girls you don't want to ****(Illogical for me of course, ), or even bounce it off your own friends. The notion of keeping it in and hoping you don't get embarrassed...is just so ****ing High School The minute you get out of that **** hole, it's different. Why waste time worried about being embarrassed...so many cute girls and so little time.

It always comes back to my original point, stop treating **** so damn seriously. You'll have so much more fun and do so much more if you just go with the flow.
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Old 2009-10-12, 18:03   Link #1845
stubby42
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Ok so right now my only realistic option with this girl is to write her a facebook message, but I've never really done this because I've over thought myself into inactivity.

I could go for broke and say anything and risk being over bearing or try a more relaxed aproach.

I dont know what to write I'm not good at this stuff.
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Old 2009-10-12, 18:05   Link #1846
Splitpersonality
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Be relaxed, be cool about it. Don't sound like you're desperate to get her number, just casually ask her.


Or even give her yours and see if she calls.
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Old 2009-10-12, 19:34   Link #1847
Ledgem
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Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
Ledgem you are a bastian of good advice and I really want to say that I appricate the fact that you go back through the topic to look at other peoples questions that might of got looked over (p.s thanks for everyone who replied) so thanks for that.
Glad you found it useful. I appreciate the compliment, as well.

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Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
-----------------------------
I screwed up
-----------------------------
I don't think of this as "screwing up" so much as missing opportunities. That is, you didn't do anything negative (unless you consider inaction to be a negative). Hindsight is 20/20, as the saying goes - don't beat yourself up over it. Moving forward, just try to be smoother, I suppose.

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Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
Should I just call her and see what happens?
Is there any reason not to? Even if a romantic relationship doesn't work out you might still make a good friend. Female friends are a boon because they frequently lead to other female friends, meaning you have an "in" with a lot of other girls (and you're also meeting a lot of other girls). Positive benefit all around. (I also think girls make great friends over guys, but that's just me.)

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Originally Posted by Narona View Post
Good that you added the "probably", because I doubt you can read people mind to see if there is not even one who says the truth
Actually I can read people's minds. Want proof? Here it is:

Spoiler for Proof for Narona - top secret:


Regardless, I'll always throw in the "probably" or use "almost" in order to avoid making a widespread generalization, just because there'll always be people who don't fit the mold. Still, I'm confident in saying that for most people (at least, most people from westernized societies) that's the case.

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Originally Posted by Narona View Post
Anyway, attraction is not only related to physical appearance I believe. That's why even when people age, there are some couples who stay deeply in love and attracted till the end.
Yes, that's true.


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Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
In the end, we worked out that we're still great friends, and we are it's not just one of us saying that or anything, we have a lot in common and we have fun together.

What she's mostly spooked about is, we're both each other's first relationship and we're both sort of scared that what we feel is not real love or whatever. So we both decided it was fair to mutually part, and date other people so that we can figure out exactly what we feel.

Right now, I feel sort of... ambivalent to the whole thing. It feels like nothing has really changed, except that I'm free to date other people if I so choose, same goes for her.
I had a similar deal with the first girl that I dated. In my case, though, I felt that she was being pretty cold toward me and wasn't really recognizing my affections for her. So when I broke things off by initially asking her if it felt like we were just normal friends (which, of course, she made me answer first) it felt like more of a relief than anything. I didn't have to worry about those feelings of obligation to her (which had become very heavy, as she wasn't returning positive feedback to me), and it just felt like a lot of things cleared up. A few minutes into the conversation she became very, very angry with me (I presume it hit her that she'd just been "dumped") but the next day she called me (again very angry), but I patched things up, declined her offer to retry dating, and it seemed that we'd stay friends. And it seemed like we had great compatibility as friends.

But I didn't hear from her again. I'd send her happy birthday messages and such, but never received anything back. I ran into her at random and discovered that she'd managed to "lose" my phone number; I gave it to her again but never heard from her. I'd never had high expectations, anyway, but in hindsight I'm a bit miffed that I still tried, but she ultimately wasn't a good friend (and she was a near-abusive date, as well).

That's my story that relates to yours. Don't be too hung up if you and she slowly (or quickly) drift away from each other. It won't happen for certain, of course - I've known some people who date (for a long time, too), break it off, and then remain as friends. I'd think that it must be kind of weird to be in a situation like that (especially once sex becomes involved) but it's doable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stubby42 View Post
Ok so right now my only realistic option with this girl is to write her a facebook message, but I've never really done this because I've over thought myself into inactivity.

I could go for broke and say anything and risk being over bearing or try a more relaxed aproach.

I dont know what to write I'm not good at this stuff.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
Be relaxed, be cool about it. Don't sound like you're desperate to get her number, just casually ask her.


Or even give her yours and see if she calls.
Don't give her your number and expect a call. Aside from the fact that some girls feel strongly about social mannerisms which require that the guy take the first steps, you're giving her a potentially easy out. She could always just say that she never got around to it, or something happened to her phone... etc. Take the initiative! Ask for her number.

Here, make it easy on yourself: imagine that all you want to do is be friends. You have a lot in common, so why not? Don't even think about your other motives. That way, when you write to her you won't be overthinking what you're writing ("does this make me seem like I want her too much?" "does this make me look desperate?"), because when you think things like that, your writing will most likely come off as being awkward and might really reveal your true intentions. So when you write, just imagine that you're writing to a potential friend (a guy friend, if it really helps) and you'll be fine. Then just click the send button and be done with it.

Keep it in perspective - this isn't a thesis proposal or a marriage license, you're just asking for her number because you're interested in doing more with her and getting to know her better. There's nothing wrong with that, and even if she sees right through you, it doesn't make you creepy or a villain. Shoot, what girl wouldn't love to know that guys have an interest in her? So worst case scenario she doesn't reply to you, but at least you might have brightened her day and her self-confidence. See, it's win-win - you potentially make a new friend (or even a lover), and at worst, you only end up giving a boost to a girl you like and get nothing else in return.

Let us know how it goes!
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Old 2009-10-12, 19:59   Link #1848
Splitpersonality
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Quote:
I had a similar deal with the first girl that I dated. In my case, though, I felt that she was being pretty cold toward me and wasn't really recognizing my affections for her. So when I broke things off by initially asking her if it felt like we were just normal friends (which, of course, she made me answer first) it felt like more of a relief than anything. I didn't have to worry about those feelings of obligation to her (which had become very heavy, as she wasn't returning positive feedback to me), and it just felt like a lot of things cleared up. A few minutes into the conversation she became very, very angry with me (I presume it hit her that she'd just been "dumped") but the next day she called me (again very angry), but I patched things up, declined her offer to retry dating, and it seemed that we'd stay friends. And it seemed like we had great compatibility as friends.

But I didn't hear from her again. I'd send her happy birthday messages and such, but never received anything back. I ran into her at random and discovered that she'd managed to "lose" my phone number; I gave it to her again but never heard from her. I'd never had high expectations, anyway, but in hindsight I'm a bit miffed that I still tried, but she ultimately wasn't a good friend (and she was a near-abusive date, as well).

That's my story that relates to yours. Don't be too hung up if you and she slowly (or quickly) drift away from each other. It won't happen for certain, of course - I've known some people who date (for a long time, too), break it off, and then remain as friends. I'd think that it must be kind of weird to be in a situation like that (especially once sex becomes involved) but it's doable.

That's quite interesting, I sort of feel that right now in a way. I feel like I"m happy I no longer have to worry about being truthful to her, when there are other people I could be possibly dating who are much closer to me. I still love her and really do care about her, but she needs to figure out her feelings, and if we end up as just friends, I really really don't care. We're great friends either way, and as long as I can continue to see her and laugh with her and be friends then I have no problems with it.

I can only hope we don't drift apart, but in the long run I think we might slowly drift, which sucks :/
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Old 2009-10-12, 20:44   Link #1849
RadiantBeam
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Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
I can only hope we don't drift apart, but in the long run I think we might slowly drift, which sucks :/
Sadly, that's rather common. I drifted apart from my first boyfriend after we broke up, and we even lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same bus stop. It isn't unusual to be friends with your ex, but sometimes it's a hard thing to do and you just drift away from them. It isn't a bad thing.
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Old 2009-10-12, 20:47   Link #1850
Splitpersonality
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Originally Posted by RadiantBeam View Post
Sadly, that's rather common. I drifted apart from my first boyfriend after we broke up, and we even lived in the same neighborhood and went to the same bus stop. It isn't unusual to be friends with your ex, but sometimes it's a hard thing to do and you just drift away from them. It isn't a bad thing.

I took "hard" to mean difficult to manage emotionally, but I can see how it woudl be physically harder to meet up with people, when my half assed first attempt at a girlfriend and I broke up I never heard from her again until about this year, when we met on mutual terms and talked about what had happened.

It was pretty cool to see her again either way, she's changed quite a bit, but in the same right not at all. It's interesting.

Anyway I only hope she has time in her busy schedule of psych psych and more psych for me :P
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Old 2009-10-13, 14:29   Link #1851
Narona
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Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
Actually I can read people's minds. Want proof? Here it is:

Spoiler for Proof for Narona - top secret:
Ledgem, the Jedi. You know it's forbidden for a jedi to get married, right

I am not sure that the jedis can read people's minds though XD
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Old 2009-10-13, 16:02   Link #1852
Miyuki-ism
Corpse in Pieces
 
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
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No, they just control peoples mind.

"You wanna buy some death sticks?"

"You don't want to sell any death sticks." *Hand movement*

"I don't want to sell any death sticks."

"You want to go home and rethink your life."

"I want to go home and, rethink my life..." *walks away*
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Old 2009-10-13, 18:45   Link #1853
stubby42
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Here, make it easy on yourself: imagine that all you want to do is be friends. You have a lot in common, so why not? Don't even think about your other motives. That way, when you write to her you won't be overthinking what you're writing ("does this make me seem like I want her too much?" "does this make me look desperate?"), because when you think things like that, your writing will most likely come off as being awkward and might really reveal your true intentions. So when you write, just imagine that you're writing to a potential friend (a guy friend, if it really helps) and you'll be fine. Then just click the send button and be done with it.

Keep it in perspective - this isn't a thesis proposal or a marriage license, you're just asking for her number because you're interested in doing more with her and getting to know her better. There's nothing wrong with that, and even if she sees right through you, it doesn't make you creepy or a villain. Shoot, what girl wouldn't love to know that guys have an interest in her? So worst case scenario she doesn't reply to you, but at least you might have brightened her day and her self-confidence. See, it's win-win - you potentially make a new friend (or even a lover), and at worst, you only end up giving a boost to a girl you like and get nothing else in return.

Let us know how it goes!
I atcually sent the message before I read this because I was talking to people on another board that I've been a member of for a long time, I put my number in but I did ask if I could call her.

I got a reply it wasnt what I wanted but I'm happy with it, she said it was great meeting me again, that she wants to be friends but she's not looking for a relationship right now and said that anyone else asking would get the same answer (she also gave me her phone number).

From what she told me whilst we were on the night out shes been going through alot of bad stuff (some of the things shes had to deal with I wish on no one) so it makes sense.

I know it wasnt what I was going for but i'm actually really happy, I stepped up to the plate and took a swing at bat, normally I'm sitting in the dugout waiting for something to happen.
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Old 2009-10-13, 18:59   Link #1854
Zetsubo
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Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
Be relaxed, be cool about it. Don't sound like you're desperate to get her number, just casually ask her.


Or even give her yours and see if she calls.
This advice is incomplete.

Before you give her your number make sure you have something to talk to her about if she calls.

Nothing pisses of a girl more than when she calls a guy and he is on the other end of the line fumbling around and making small talk really painful.

If she likes you, she may help you and take the conversation into her own hands... however, she didn't call you just to talk about herself (if she is not a needy self centered woman that is)

So... never give a woman your number to call you if you do not have good conversational skills and actually have something to say that is not idiotic.

Just my 2 dollars.
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Old 2009-10-13, 20:04   Link #1855
Dextro
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Originally Posted by Ledgem View Post
Don't give her your number and expect a call. Aside from the fact that some girls feel strongly about social mannerisms which require that the guy take the first steps, you're giving her a potentially easy out. She could always just say that she never got around to it, or something happened to her phone... etc. Take the initiative! Ask for her number.

Here, make it easy on yourself: imagine that all you want to do is be friends. You have a lot in common, so why not? Don't even think about your other motives. That way, when you write to her you won't be overthinking what you're writing ("does this make me seem like I want her too much?" "does this make me look desperate?"), because when you think things like that, your writing will most likely come off as being awkward and might really reveal your true intentions. So when you write, just imagine that you're writing to a potential friend (a guy friend, if it really helps) and you'll be fine. Then just click the send button and be done with it.

Keep it in perspective - this isn't a thesis proposal or a marriage license, you're just asking for her number because you're interested in doing more with her and getting to know her better. There's nothing wrong with that, and even if she sees right through you, it doesn't make you creepy or a villain. Shoot, what girl wouldn't love to know that guys have an interest in her? So worst case scenario she doesn't reply to you, but at least you might have brightened her day and her self-confidence. See, it's win-win - you potentially make a new friend (or even a lover), and at worst, you only end up giving a boost to a girl you like and get nothing else in return.

Let us know how it goes!
*Dextro bows before this piece of advice*

Honestly this made my day. It's such a simple piece of advice and I hadn't even thought about it. I would probably do that same overthinking if I was in that situation.

This thread rocks, you even get advice when you don't ask or aren't looking for it! :P
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Old 2009-10-13, 20:13   Link #1856
Splitpersonality
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zetsubo View Post
This advice is incomplete.

Before you give her your number make sure you have something to talk to her about if she calls.

Fair enough, I'm totally inept at this kind of thing anyway haha.


So I've started talking to that other girl that likes me since the events of yesterday, yeah I know that sounds bad but I'm just trying to lay foundation or at least make her think a little bit about me, I don't want to jump right into her pants or anything, but she's really nice and we have a good deal in common.

Any advice on ways I can get myself stuck in her head in a positive way? I'm a good flirt, but she seems a little oblivious to that sort of thing.
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Old 2009-10-13, 21:50   Link #1857
Ascaloth
I don't give a damn, dude
 
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Narona View Post
Ledgem, the Jedi. You know it's forbidden for a jedi to get married, right

I am not sure that the jedis can read people's minds though XD
I won't be surprised if the Sith can though, and of course they probably don't have any proscriptions for marriage and that sort of thing. Love leads to passion, passion leads to loss, loss leads to vengeance, and vengeance leads to the Dark Side.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
So I've started talking to that other girl that likes me since the events of yesterday, yeah I know that sounds bad but I'm just trying to lay foundation or at least make her think a little bit about me, I don't want to jump right into her pants or anything, but she's really nice and we have a good deal in common.

Any advice on ways I can get myself stuck in her head in a positive way? I'm a good flirt, but she seems a little oblivious to that sort of thing.
It's one of the oblivious ones, huh?

Well, I suppose you don't really need to do anything apart from having fun with her in general. Go do all the things friends do, talk about things friends would. Hell, for all you know she may be just acting oblivious, and is really paying attention to what kind of guy are you. Girls tend to be notorious at this sort of thing.

If you can get to the point where you can get her to readily agree to hang out with you, just the two of you together, you're on the right track.
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Old 2009-10-13, 21:59   Link #1858
Splitpersonality
Amateur Psychomocologist
 
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We already hang out a lot just together in school, yeah it's quite different but it's still quote unquote alone time as far as I'm willing to go right now.

I'm not entirely convinced she's acting oblivious, I'm not even amazingly convinced she has an interest in me, that's why I'm more or less looking to plant a seed in her head to get her thinking.

We're already fairly good friends, I think just shy of the friend's zone though, or at least I really hope so. If she is really just acting oblivious then I am severely underestimating the resourcefulness and determination of women in my life haha!
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Old 2009-10-13, 21:59   Link #1859
whitepearl
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Meeting someone on Wednesday night for a date after a fairly successful one last Wednesday.

Cue Bowser laugh.
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Old 2009-10-13, 22:02   Link #1860
Ricky Controversy
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Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
We already hang out a lot just together in school, yeah it's quite different but it's still quote unquote alone time as far as I'm willing to go right now.

I'm not entirely convinced she's acting oblivious, I'm not even amazingly convinced she has an interest in me, that's why I'm more or less looking to plant a seed in her head to get her thinking.

We're already fairly good friends, I think just shy of the friend's zone though, or at least I really hope so. If she is really just acting oblivious then I am severely underestimating the resourcefulness and determination of women in my life haha!
Just don't extend yourself any more than you normally would, lest you set up false expectations if she turns out to be interested. Ascaloth's advice is spot on: just have fun with her. Let flirtation happen when it may, but don't go out of your way to prompt anything. If it's requiring planning at this stage, it won't be worth it down the road.
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