Dating

[Tenken's Smile]

So is there any English word to describe "any types of relationship in general"?

[Who]

Originally Posted by Tenken's Smile

So is there any English word to describe "any types of relationship in general"?

'Relationship' is as general as it gets. It's the other words which describe the specific types. Fling, hookup, open relationship, incestous; etc etc.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Hera

On the opposite side, there's another question: If you are happy by just seeing your lover being happy with another guy, is that true love? I don't think you can be "happy", at least you would feel damn hurt, then maybe try to forget your love for her.

I'm not really sure why you're fixated on whether it's "true love" or not. It can be true love, but there are other complicating factors to consider. As Don mentioned, suppose you do get the girl to break up with a guy and start dating you. How much confidence does that give your relationship? What I mean is, if the girl was willing to drop a guy and immediately go for someone else, who is to say that she wouldn't do the same to you? And as Solomon mentioned, it's not really a polite thing to do. The boyfriend surely wouldn't appreciate it, but you might also be introducing strife and confusion into their relationship. Even if the girl ends up going for you, what if she is the one thinking, "what if...?"

I suppose it also depends on your thoughts on "true love." If you ask me, "true love" is something that is cultivated between two people. "Love" that is one-sided isn't love, but attraction. True love is worth fighting for (and it must be fought for in order for it to exist), but attraction... not to the same extent.

[DonQuigleone]

I think True Love is a bit of an overused phrase. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a romantic at heart, I like the lovey dovey stuff. The whole concept of romantic "destiny" is a seductive one.

Doesn't exist though, no 2 people are fated to be together. When you're really infatuated there's always that sense that you're meant to be together, but it's not true. Sure, you might have really good relationship prospects, you might really get along, but there's nothing cosmic involved.

You have to keep a thick skin and be pragmatic. Find a girl you get along with, if it doesn't work out, find someone else. And if it working, you'll get all those "big romantic feelings", and they'll feel great, but always remember that it's not true.

Take this from a guy that's had a one sided love for a girl 2 times, each time lasting about a year. Doesn't matter how intense your feelings are, it doesn't change whether or not she'll like you. And if she doesn't reciprocate, move on.

[ChainLegacy]

And if you're too fixated on true love, you can run into problems if you get divorced or (worst case scenario) your spouse dies early. The latter is actually a prevalent theme in the anime Maison Ikkoku, the main female character, Kyoko, is reluctant to develop feelings for anyone else as a result of her devotion to her deceased husband. While her motivations were influenced by Japanese culture, I think 'true love' is also a Western romantic movement meme that has been imbedded into our culture, making it quite similar.

[solomon]

Yea, the guys have it right.

True Love is a two way street and even then it may not be forever.

Like I said True Love can exist, but one true love? That's to hawk movies with Hugh Grant in em

[HasuMasu]

Okay, so I noticed something about the people around me, and it seems that the most common reason for break-ups is that the person somehow turned into someone different from who they thought they were before.

Just an observation, personally I don't see how that can happen because people are generally open books, but I guess it just happens.

[DonQuigleone]

Originally Posted by Detective-san

Okay, so I noticed something about the people around me, and it seems that the most common reason for break-ups is that the person somehow turned into someone different from who they thought they were before.

Just an observation, personally I don't see how that can happen because people are generally open books, but I guess it just happens.

I don't think it's so much that they turn into someone different, as much as their idealized image of that person doesn't conform to reality. Once they realize the disconnect...

[HasuMasu]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

I don't think it's so much that they turn into someone different, as much as their idealized image of that person doesn't conform to reality. Once they realize the disconnect...

Yes exactly, as an example a guy I know just broke up with his girlfriend of less than a year and said that it's because she flirts with other guys a lot, which he says wasn't the case before. This only leads me to believe that he never had a good grasp of her personality anyway.

[theAlphaDuck]

Originally Posted by solomon

Yea, the guys have it right.

True Love is a two way street and even then it may not be forever.

Like I said True Love can exist, but one true love? That's to hawk movies with Hugh Grant in em

One true love - very much exists, and works
One true lust? - yea your just setting yourself up for failure or misery.

you are at most truly happy with someone when they let you be yourself...

wisdom many agree with...

yet when that true self is saying, "damn that girl is pretty hot, a one night stand with her would be the most fun thing i can think of doing right now..."

and your saying.."but what about Cindy my gf?, she would not want me to do that..."

Then your not REALLY being yourself are you?

Because you are changing YOUR behavior, to suit the illogical idea's of someone else.

[Kafriel]

Originally Posted by Detective-san

Okay, so I noticed something about the people around me, and it seems that the most common reason for break-ups is that the person somehow turned into someone different from who they thought they were before.

Just an observation, personally I don't see how that can happen because people are generally open books, but I guess it just happens.

Everything changes...cities change, the weather changes, society changes, it's only natural that people change as well. If anyone thinks they'll never change, they're only deluding themselves.

I don't think it's so much that they turn into someone different, as much as their idealized image of that person doesn't conform to reality. Once they realize the disconnect...

This is also true, your image is not your true self. Some people get too concerned with images and they are let down by all the little things that actually make someone who they are.

[Gamer_2k4]

People get so caught up in "being in a relationship" that they don't look before they leap. They focus on the good and ignore the bad. Problem is, once things get serious, you can't help but have to deal with the bad. For some reason, no one ever talks about these things BEFOREHAND, so it comes as a total shock.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Detective-san

Yes exactly, as an example a guy I know just broke up with his girlfriend of less than a year and said that it's because she flirts with other guys a lot, which he says wasn't the case before. This only leads me to believe that he never had a good grasp of her personality anyway.

Kafriel had it right: everyone is changing, all of the time. Past a certain age (I think it was somewhere around 22-24 years old) a person's personality changes less, but it still changes. (There are also extreme cases of personality shift that can be brought about by brain tumors or brain damage, but those are unusual...)

It's certainly possible that people never took the time to learn everything about each other, or that one partner was hiding something. It's also quite possible that people grow apart.

Look, a relationship is a lot of work. The reason I dislike the notion of "true love" or "fated lovers" is because people lose their sense of responsibility. They take the stance that if things go sour, then this person must not have been "the one." In reality, things can and will go sour in every relationship. It just means that the partners need to do the work to get over it and restore harmony.

Part of the work involves keeping in sync with one another. Case in point, I've been with my wife for about six years now. We were both 20, and still had growing to do. Since then, we've made the transition of going from the university to graduate school and medical school, made some major moves between different cities, and went through a fair amount of stress together. Neither of us are the same people that we were six years ago - not nearly. Yet we're closer than ever, because we've grown together. We do the work (although it doesn't feel like work): we talk about everything that happened to each of us, we make time for each other, and we resolve any and all things that bother one about the other. When you care about someone and they care about you back, doing that doesn't feel like a big deal. If you add it up, though, that's a ton of time and talking. We're currently separated (schools are apart), yet we still talk for 1-2 hours per day, keeping in sync with each other. (And trust me - with our study schedules, that is really no easy task.)

Each relationship is different, of course - what we do may be excessive for some, and it may be deficient for others.

Originally Posted by Gamer_2k4

People get so caught up in "being in a relationship" that they don't look before they leap. They focus on the good and ignore the bad. Problem is, once things get serious, you can't help but have to deal with the bad. For some reason, no one ever talks about these things BEFOREHAND, so it comes as a total shock.

It's partly brain chemistry, and partly social. For brain chemistry, studies indicate that for the first few weeks to months of dating, the two people are "addicted" to each other. The brain basically responds to thoughts and other aspects of the partner as if it were receiving addictive drugs. Under those conditions, are people going to notice the negatives, and even if they come up, will they just dismiss them? It doesn't seem surprising.

The social aspect is that nobody wants to "scare someone off." Everyone has baggage, and everyone has problems. Yet if the relationship hasn't become serious, then what prevents a person from simply taking flight once they find out about it? It's better to have them discover all of the good things about you - the things that will show them that it's worth sticking around - before showing them the bad parts, right?

I don't think there's anything wrong with how that usually progresses. The real problem is when people find out about these negatives, but don't do anything about it. It's very uncomfortable to do and I completely understand why people are reluctant to confront those things, but a relationship is made so much stronger for it.

[DonQuigleone]

@Ledgem: While it's certainly true that people can grow apart over time (likely resulting in divorces...), I think that when we consider that this is more related to breakups, which in most cases are in relatively shorter relationships, and certainly short enough that no major personality changes should have occured (barring some major life event). In this case, I think it is reasonable to say that when people say "she grew to be someone different" it's more accurate to say "I didn't have an accurate view of her".

When it comes to omance, people always view the object of their affection through "rose tinted glasses" and don't see that person's faults. Because of that fact, it can often be a shock when they see that person do something that doesn't gel with their preconceived view of the person.

For instance a guy might assume the girl he's crushing on is "pure" in a conservative manner, only to see her snort cocaine at a party, somewhat breaking that image.

[Paranoid Android]

Originally Posted by DonQuigleone

For instance a guy might assume the girl he's crushing on is "pure" in a conservative manner, only to see her snort cocaine at a party, somewhat breaking that image.

UGH -...- I hate that feeling when reality feels so distant and you wonder if you are actually there or back in your room tripping out.

Yes, most break ups are short term and it's from short term social changes. When someone loses that desperate need of being in a relationship from when they were 'single and looking'.

That or the mystery. Where once the couple begin to uncover each others character; that sense of curiosity dissipates and motivation to continue the relationship in the same vibrant manner is gone.

I think a lot of short term break ups are simply lack of continual interest and then covered up with some lazily thrown together excuses that you want your friends to believe is break-up worthy.
-----------------------
Has anyone broken up with someone and made up again? If so, how did that go. I've been dumped twice where my ex-gf would try to make up again after 6 months of no communication. o__O

[Gamer_2k4]

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

That or the mystery. Where once the couple begin to uncover each others character; that sense of curiosity dissipates and motivation to continue the relationship in the same vibrant manner is gone.

Perhaps it's just the wrong mindset. For example, I'm at the point in my life where I'm past looking for a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend. I want a potential wife. Because of that, I'm not in it for the "mystery." I made sure to find out what I could about my current girlfriend BEFORE we got serious. Now, the "vibrant manner" comes from being close to a person who is so similar to me. It's BECAUSE of her character that I like her, not in spite of it.

[Hera]

Have you ever been so scared of love (or didn't know how to handle it) that you pushed your crush away, even though you know he/she feels the same toward you?

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by Hera

Have you ever been so scared of love (or didn't know how to handle it) that you pushed your crush away, even though you know he/she feels the same toward you?

No. Is there something that you want to talk about?

[Hera]

I wonder if you could give me some insights/advice on these two situations that are going on with my friends? These two are opposite extremes, I think, and I'm lost at what I can do to help them-- They both are very dear friends of mine:

1/ The first situation is a 15-year-old friend of mine. He confessed to a girl and was rejected. The girl told him she didn't even want to be "close friends." When she started dating someone else, he was devastated and having suicidal thoughts. Luckily, friends talked him out of it. But he still hasn't given up on the girl. He said he would try again and again until he's successful.

2/ The second situation concerns a 20-year-old friend who has a crush on one of his Facebook friends,
but he pushed her away.

[Last Sinner]

The first person has idealism and dreams that are somewhat admirable. But if they're going to aspire to that, they need to accept most people don't share that belief or such a pure notion. They will have to be patient, accept that rejection will occur most of the time and learn from it. Hopefully it will strengthen them in the long run.


The second person sounds like a mix of two things.

1. They prefer misery/never taking that chance to daring to having heartbreak for real.

2. They're not ready for love and need to mature before they're ready. Because leading someone on like that then burning them when the moment comes is pretty darn low. Someone who has a proper concept of love and appreciates what it is to care about someone else wouldn't hurt the one they love to such a cruel degree.