Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[ghazghkull]

Looks good. Can't wait to see it come out if you plan to do that ^^

WOOT!! Another page claim under my belt XD

[AdmiralTigerclaw]

Originally Posted by Kagerou

Got bored, made this >.>

Spoiler for MSLN Alpha Trailer, Fanfic thread exclusive!:

Nanoha: "So what now? I can't do anything, not after... well, you know."
Fate: "You shouldn't dwell on it, Nanoha-chan. You already have too much on your mind. You should... relax, ne?"
Nanoha: "I... I guess. But what will I do, now that I can't fly anymore?"

(The screen slowly comes into view, focusing on the floor of a bedroom. In the center of the screen, a familiar, broken, red sphere, blinking dimly.)

Nanoha: "...Sayonara, Raising Heart..."
Raising Heart: "Good-bye, my master."

(The music begins...)

Signum: "What is this... thing?"

(The Wolkenritter and Hayate stand atop what appears to be a curved, purple-white landscape... one that abruptly ends off to the sides.

Hayate: "I think... I think it's a starship!"
Vita: "That's ridiculous. This looking nothing like a TSAB ship..."
Shamal: "Perhaps it's from... that time, long ago?"
Hayate: "Lost Logia..."

(The scene changes to another place... a vast starfleet. At the head appears to be a giant carrier. As the camera zooms in, fighters pour out of its docking bays. Meanwhile, along the edge of wherever they are, dimensional portals open up. Beams of light shoot out of them.)

Bridge Bunny: "Sir, enemy ships on scope! Admiral, they outnumber us three to one!"

(Chrono smirks.)

Chrono: "Then it's a fair fight. All ships, this is Admiral Harlown. Fire at will! Burn their parasite hides!"

(Beams of magic energy streak across space. As one passes in front of the camera, the scene reverts back to Nanoha. She sits alone, on the edge of her bed, staring at the ground... at her Device. Her eyes are barely focused as she thinks to herself...)

Nanoha: "I'm not... worthless anymore... am I, Raising Heart?"
Raising Heart: "I do not think so."

(The screen goes black.)

Nanoha (Off-screen): "I'm tired of being like this. It's time for me to be who I am! To resume my purpose in life!"

Fate: "Nanoha, you're-"
Nanoha: "Come on, Fate-chan. It's time for us to go dancing with the angels!"

(The sound of mages nearly breaking the sound barrier opens up the next screen, which is a mix between massacre and valiant fight. All across the screen, mages on the ground and in the air fight what look like parasites, monsters from another era, another time. In the sky, fighters engage air-based units while capital ships duel with ones infested with the parasite.)

Nanoha: "Come on, everyone! The enemy is just ahead! Go!"
Chrono (VO): "My ship's taken a lot of damage! Hurry, Nanoha! Everyone!"
Hayate: "This is the White Tempest. Providing covering fire."

(On the ground, lances of light streak from space, slicing through the monsters as they surround Nanoha and someone that resembles her slightly - her "sister", Keroko. As the beams dissipate, some of the monsters break through.)

Keroko: "Nanoha! Behind you!"

(Nanoha turns, pointing her staff at the monster, but before she can fire, it's blasted out of the sky in a burst of energy. Shocked, Nanoha lowers her staff as a giant of a man, wearing green armor and wielding a rifle-shaped Device, walks up, light gleaming off his armor.)

Master Chief, Spartan 117: "Sorry I'm late. I brought back up."

(Fate lands next to the chief, both Riot Zamber out.)

Fate: "This fight's just beginning. Coming, Nanoha?" Nanoha nods. "Then, let's go. Bardiche!"
Bardiche: "Yes, sir. Arbiter Mode."

(On another battlefield, other OCs duke it out with the enemy. Vita, among them, faces down a shadowed figure, her eyes ablaze with fire.)

Vita: "You won't live to torment use any longer! Graf Eisen!" Vita charges energy and loads cartridges. "Giga..." The hammer turns into a giant drill. "Drill..." The drill multiplies in size. HAMMER!" Vita attacks.

(The scenes rapidly flash, this time to Subaru standing next to Tiana, on the back of a dropship, as they look down at the seething mass below.)

Subaru: "Wish me luck."
Tiana: "...don't die."
Subaru: "I won't!"

(Subaru grabs something off the side of the dropship and leaps off the back of it, landing on the ground with a heavy thud and blowing back some of the monsters.)

Cortana (COM): "Could you possibly make any more noise?!" Subaru lifts up the Rocket Launcher she grabbed off the dropship. "Guess so."

(Another scene, this one of the air. As monsters twist and fly about, two dragons are seen.)

Elio (on the back of Freid): "Man, this sucks. Where are the... woah...
Keroko (On the back of a red-eyed black dragon): "...holy shi-"

Tiamat: *roars*

(As the fight continues, the camera focuses on Nanoha, alone again, as she flies through the air, her eyes focused on the distant horizon.)

Nanoha: "Well... here goes... Vivio, I'm coming for you."

(She stops and aims.)

Nanoha: "I call forth all of my power, my hate, my love, my sadness and anger, my joy and happiness, for this one, final, desparate attack! I ask for nothing more, only that I rightfully keep what was mine to begin with! And you are in the way! Raising Heart! S-t-a-r-l-i-g-h-t B-r-e-a-k-e-r!"

(As she fires, the screen fades to black. The music fades.)

Hayate (V.O.): "So what do we do, now that we've lost the war."
Fate (V.O.): "...after the darkest nights, morning always comes. There's still a chance."
Hayate (V.O.): "By your word, Arbiter."
Fate (V.O.): "...let's go."

Title: Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha Alpha
She whispers the words mildly into your heart, and makes your gentle days...

*Hums along.*

"Cum historia...
Mutat Valde Razgriz.
Revelat ipsum
Primum daemon scelestus est...

Cum potentia
Caenum daemon fundet
Mortem in terram
Deinde moritur!"

[Evangelion Xgouki]

Originally Posted by Fuyu no Sora

Very amusing my friend Very amusing. Poor Nanoha, always looking out for her daughter, even if it's for things that shouldn't be worrisome, haha

@_@ too many smilies @_@

The joys of motherhood

Originally Posted by Liingo

DOOM HIM FOREVER!!

Poor Kha

Originally Posted by Satashi

Very nice ^^ That really sounds like something Nanoha would do. I'll counter this one sometime, don't have any ideas yet. You want anything specific?

Um, nothing really too specific. I just like reading WAFFy and cute fics

Originally Posted by Satashi

As for Eagle's stories. like I said they are mostly dark and pluck that string in your soul where you don't know to cry or smile. My stories "I don't know why" and "Come fly with me" were inspired/ heavily influenced by her writing.

Ah yes, that angst wave that hit the thread . I ended up writing "And She Smiles" as well as the sequel "My Master" during the time. Although people said it still ended up being kinda WAFFy .

[Gillian]

poor raising heart

[Satashi]

Spoiler for Present day.... Present time!.... AHAHAHAHA:

Okay, really, this is just a cute random moment.

"Oh come on, you'll like it." Nanoha pet her lap happily. "You'll beg me to do this for you later on, I promise." She was currently sitting on their extra large bed wearing her normal baggy night shirt and holding a long slender device in her hand that Fate didn't trust one bit. "You've been complaing about your ears for a week now."

"I don't like that thing," Fate crossed her arms over her chest after straightening one of the straps of her nightgown that fell over her shoulder. "Ears shouldn't be cleaned like that."

Nanoha looked at the stick like device with the small curve at the end. "Really? It's been part of Japanese culture for a long time now. Everyone enjoys this, mom used to do it to me when I was little just to make me sleep."

"....Gao...." Fate slowly gave in to the puppy dog eyes and laid her cheek on Nanoha's thigh, facing her stomach. "This won't hurt right?"

"Of course not." Nanoha moved away the mass of blond hair and placed the end of the wood onto Fate's ear. "Hold still." Nanoha stroked her hair and giggled. "Now I know how you felt when doing my eyebrows." Once Fate was calmed down enough Nanoha started to gently scrape the inside of Fate's ears, occasionally wiping off the tool with a paper towel. "See? Isn't this nice?"

"Not really." Fate squirmed. "I'm scared it will break in my ear."

"It won't break, you can bend it completely in half." Nanoha hummed to herself, smiling as Fate's legs kicked out and wiggled when she got to the insides of her ear. "Nya-haha."

"Grrr...."

"Did you just growl at me?"

"No." Fate gripped Nanoha's shirt and wiggled more. "That's still weird."

"Enjoy it." Nanoha purposely took her time and felt a small sense of pride when the blonde noticeably calmed down. "There, see?"

"Hm..."

"Other side." Nanoha let her turn over and re-adjust before going back to work. "You have cute ears."

"...Thank you?"

"You're welcome."

Fate closed her eyes and sighed out. "Okay... that feels nice."

"Trust me more."

"Last time you said that I found out what blindfolded love making was."

"Wasn't that great?"

"... Maybe." Fate felt herself start drifting off. "I prefer kissing more, though."

"When I'm done, I'll kiss you to your heart's desire."

"Promise?"

"Of course." Nanoha stroked her hair more. "Hey, Fate-chan?"

"Mmm....?"

"I love you."

She smiled. "You too."

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Spoiler for Present day.... Present time!.... AHAHAHAHA:

Okay, really, this is just a cute random moment.

"Oh come on, you'll like it." Nanoha pet her lap happily. "you'll beg me to do tis for you later on, I promise." She was currently sitting on their extra large bed wearing her normal baggy night shirt and holding a long slender device in her hand that Fate didn't trust one bit. "You've been complaing about your ears for a week now."

"I don't like that thing," Fate crossed her arms over her chest after straightening one of the straps of her nightgown that fell over her shoulder. "Ears shouldn't be cleaned like that."

Nanoha looked at the stick like device with the small curve at the end. "Really? It's been part of Japanese culture for a long time now. Everyone enjoys this, mom used to do it to me when I was little just to make me sleep."

"....Gao...." Fate slowly gave in to the puppy dog eyes and laid her cheek on Nanoha's thigh, facing her stomach. "This won't hurt right?"

"Of course not." Nanoha moved away the mass of blond hair and placed the end of the wood onto Fate's ear. "Hold still." Nanoha stroked her hair and giggled. "Now I know how you felt when doing my eyebrows." Once Fate was calmed down enough Nanoha started to gently scrape the inside of Fate's ears, occasinally wiping off the tool with a papertowel. "See? Isn't this nice?"

"Not really." Fate squirmed. "I 'm scared it will break in my ear."

"It won't break, you can bend it completly in half." Nanoha hummed to herself, smiling as Fate's legs kicked out and wiggled when she got to the insides of her ear. "Nya-haha."

"grrr...."

"Did you just growl at me?"

"No." Fate gripped Nanoha's shirt and wiggled more. "That's still weird."

"Enjoy it." Nanoha purposly took her time and felt a smal lsense of pride when the blonde noticably calmed down. "There, see?"

"Hm..."

"Other side." Nanoha let her turn over and re-adjust before going back to work. "You have cute ears."

"...thank you?"

"You're welcome."

Fate closed her eyes and sighed out. "Okay... that feels nice."

"Trust me more."

"Last time you said that I found out what blindfolded love making was."

"Wasn't that great?"

"... Maybe." Fate felt herself start drifting off. "I prefer kissing more, though."

"When I'm done, I'll kiss you to your heart's desire."

"Promise?"

"Of course." Nanoha stroked her hair more. "Hey, Fate-chan?"

"Mmm....?"

"I love you."

She smiled. "You too."

*Is swooned by the romantic moment....* XD

[Gillian]

ear cleaning is wonderful^^

[ghazghkull]

@.@ Well I just got a review from Mike Powell...Now I know how you feel Satashi-sama.

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

@.@ Well I just got a review from Mike Powell...Now I know how you feel Satashi-sama.

T_T what story? It's an odd feeling isn't it?

*starts on SbtB again*

(update: I'm half dead >< not looking good)

-Riddly added to archive (sorry for delay!)

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by Satashi

T_T what story? It's an odd feeling isn't it?

Spiritual Garden.

I had said along the lines of, "Please refrain from speaking to me in this manner again," although I had half a mind of adding, "otherwise appropriate action will be taken on my part," but that would've made me look like some sort of antagonist.

And in terms of RoL, I'm having problems trying to get a solid idea running through...maybe because of how the story is progressing, I'm not sure. This is what I have so far. Maybe some ideas and comments?

Spoiler for Road of Love:

You simply looked at me strangely at that response. I suppose it couldn’t be helped, since I was a bit vague with it, but like you said, you wanted to figure it out yourself. And considering the way you looked at me, you just maybe needed a few nudges, and then there, you’ve found me.

We spent the next little while in relative silence.

At least I learned one thing: she’s opened to being a lesbian, but the actual relationship aspects was what she was shaky about. I could live with that. At least there’s hope.

The only problem would be how everyone outside our circle of friends would handle it, but I think it’s another bridge that’ll be crossed when we got to it. If all went well, we’ll cross that bridge together. I promise you Nanoha, I’ll be strong for you if all goes wrong.

We stayed here for quite a while, before you finally decided to call it in early, and the two of us headed home. We didn’t say much. That expression on your face was enough to tell me you had a lot on your mind now. Knowing you, you’re right now trying to figure make sense out of what I just told. Although I wouldn’t be too surprised if you figured it out today, I think it’ll take at least a week before you actually finally caught on.

Checking the time, I realized that I actually would have time to actually visit Erio before the day was over. Of course I’d walk you home first, Nanoha.

The next few days were okay. They weren’t what I had hoped, but at least they weren’t horrid.

Unfortunately, you were a lot quieter than usual, but from the way only Suzuka and Arisa were concerned, I easily realized that you had turned to Hayate as well. She was everyone’s advisor, after all. I wouldn’t be too surprised if an Admiral one day came to her for advice.

At school, the rate of people asking you out had dropped quite a bit. I suppose with your present mood, it couldn’t be helped. But that did ease my heart quite a bit, considering how the last thing I really wanted was for people to bother you, especially with the way you were right now.

You still talked to us, but it was somewhat more reserved than it usually was, even for you. You’d put up a front, but it was easy to see through. All of us could see it, and I’m sure you’re aware of it. But you keep that front up, so that other people don’t bother you as much. At least that was a good thing, but sooner or later, you’re going to have to let it out. But then again, I guess it couldn’t be helped. I mean, I did drop quite a hint.

It was now Wednesday, and you were still out of it.

And instead of being there with you, I was now on the roof with Hayate.

“Looks like you took some of my advice and didn’t completely drop the bombshell on her.” That was the first thing she had to say?! But then again, it was just like Hayate to be direct and to the point.

“She came to me on Sunday,” she continued on. “Remember how I had said that she just needed that nudge? Well that was more like a shove unfortunately. I don’t know what you did, nor do I want to know, but now she’s confused about everything. I just want to warn you that she doesn’t understand what she’s feeling, and might turn to you for answers.”

“Me?!”

“You can’t expect to have made a leak and not answer to it,” she simply replied back. She made it sound like it was the most simplest of things. Give me a break here; it was nerve-racking as it was trying to get it done in the first place. But I guess it couldn’t be helped. I did say all that to Nanoha.

“Just be more careful with your words next time, Fate-chan,” she said sighed. “I don’t want to Nanoha to get hurt. And the last thing I need is you two to get into a disagreement. Besides, that would mean I could only hang out with you guys separately.” I simply nodded.

“Anyways, enough with the gloom. The others are waiting for us.” Suddenly grabbing my hand, Hayate started to drag me all the day down. If it weren’t for school, she’d probably just call up Rein, and jump right off and fly down.

Even after talking to Hayate, you never said a thing to me throughout the rest of the week.

What in the world was going on? This was out of character, even for you. I just hope nothing’s wrong. Although it might’ve been a mistake on my part for making such an irrational decision like that and drop as many hints as I did.

Today, you were really out of character. You were extremely jumpy, as if you were nervous about something. Was there something wrong about what I had told you that had gotten you like this? Or was it something else? Because throughout the entire day, you prematurely said “No I’m not interesting in going to the dance” to nearly every question that came from a guy, some who were simply asking for homework problems. That was one of the greater issues.

Another was the fact you actually got up and left the classroom when we had changed for PE. By the time everyone else was heading out, you had returned fully changed, with your uniform in hand. That raised quite a few alarms in my mind. Was someone bullying you, or harassing you that I wasn’t aware of? You never had such reservations about changing in front of other females before, so why now? Was something threatening you?

I guess I’m going to have to take this into my own hands soon, but I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. For all I know, you could be in such turmoil that brining that up again might only make it worse. But I guess when push comes to shove you’ll face it eventually, when you’re either ready, or forced into it.

Approaching you, your anxiety suddenly shot up, especially after just me simply touching your shoulder to grab your attention. “Can we talk during lunch?” You weakly nodded, and then walked away from me as fast as you could. I think I’m starting to regret dropping that hint, even if it was just looking at you deeply in the eyes.

Class passed by quite quickly, but I don’t think it was quick enough for you. You were constantly looking at the school tower, looking up the time to see when class was over. And when it finally ended, you immediately ran off ahead of the class and changed. What’s bothering you so badly, that you’re running away from almost everyone who tried to talk to you today, including myself and Hayate? I guess I’ll find out after Math class.

“Harlaown, pay attention!”

“Sorry.”

Oh what a nightmare. Unfortunately sensei must have been feeling extremely vindictive today. Drill, after drill, after drill, he kept giving us problems to do, show us the steps to answer the question, and then fire off another question, right until the end of class, assigning homework that was due in two days. And the moment sensei let us off, you immediately rushed to pack and get out of the class.

Right now was of those times I’m glad I kept my notes and belongings in such a manner it would only take a moment o put everything away. Pulling my lunch out, I quickly approached you, and laid a gentle hand on your shoulder, which resulted in drawing everyone’s attention. Of all the things you had to do, you had to shriek didn’t you? What’s on your mind? That’s gotten you so paranoid?

Gently leading you out of the classroom, we immediately headed up to the roof. It was the best bet we could get without anyone listening in. And I owe Hayate big time for this. Thanks to her she was keeping Arisa and Suzuka busy, so I could get this whole mess sorted out, although I’m still a bit miffed by her choice of last minute advice.

“Don’t blow it.”

What kind of advice is that? Of course I don’t want to blow it. I’d be out of my mind to blow it.

Finally, we’re on the roof. At least now we weren’t going to be bothered. I hope.

At least being alone seemed to help you calm down. At least you weren’t frantically looking about, and were finally able to sit down and relax. I thought you were going to have some sort of nervous breakdown during class.

“You okay?” May as well start if off easy. Taking a seat down next to her, I watched her slowly undo the cloth she used to keep her lunch packed together. It looked a bit bigger than usual though.

“Not really.” At least you weren’t trying to hide it as much.

“You want to talk about it?” This really isn’t like you Nanoha. It seemed that something just drained the life out of you or something.

You don’t really say anything, except let out a heavy sigh, and stare off into the sky. You always did love the sky.

“I’m here for you Nanoha,” I told her, giving her shoulder an assuring squeeze. If I didn’t see her nod, I probably would’ve thought she was in a world of her own. This might take the better part of the lunch period.

“How long?”

“Pardon?”

“Last week, you pretty much said you loved me, didn’t you?” Looks like you figured it out.

“Yeah, but I think I sort of screwed up and gave too much away…”

“You kind of did,” you replied, with such a sardonic smile that just didn’t suit you. This gloomy side doesn’t really work for you. If anything, I should have a gloomy side, considering how I grew up for a part of my life.

“So, how long?”

“I really don’t know.” It was the honest trust. I really don’t know.

“I guess…I guess I just only began to notice when others began to notice you.”

“What happened?”

“I started to get angry,” I suddenly replied. In all the times since all this had started, I don’t think I ever actually sat down and talked about how I felt, or how I ended up falling for her.

“All of them, asking for you to be their date for dances, asking you for a date, I began to get angry. And thinking back, I realized how many times I worried for you.

“That day, when we were 12, I worried so much. I don’t think I got any proper sleep until you finally woke up, and even then, your rehabilitation also worried me.”

“But we did get through it.” I nodded in agreement. We did get through that. Personally, I think it was a test of our friendship, and our bond, because after that, our friendship just grew and grew.

“Fate-chan, I really don’t know what to think,” you sighed, burying your head in your knees. “For 7 years, we’ve been friends, but this is quite a bit of a shock.”

“Nanoha…”

“Being told you’re a lesbian is something, nyaha…” At least you’re laughing, even if it’s weak. “But…being told you’re loved by a lesbian…it’s something else…

“I’m not sure how to look at you now.” I did the only thing I could do that I could do. Gently placing my hand on your shoulder, I gave it a gentle squeeze.

“How about someone who’s dear to you,” I suggested, which you returned with a slightly confused stare.

“Nanoha, look what we’ve been through in the past 7 years: The incident with my mother, our battles with the Book of Darkness, even your accident, and many other missions. Every one of them, we’ve gotten through it together. Even training, we completed together. And remember our promise to rank-up so that we could be together? We’ve been through a lot.”

“Yeah…we have…”

“Nanoha, I…I’ll understand if you say no…but even if you don’t look at me that way, I’m here for you as your closest friend.”

“Fate-chan…”

That was all I could say. In truth, this was your choice. My heart’s aching for you, but I wouldn’t do anything that would hurt you. You mean the world to me. And even if that means I have to give you up, I’ll do it, as long our friendship goes on.

“I don’t know if I can look at you that way,” you finally say. “This is really confusing…I was hoping for answers, but all I did was asked new ones, which I don’t know if you can answer.

“In all honesty, I’m scared…I’m scared of what I’ve always respected other couples have gotten through. They’ve fought and strived to have what they have…I don’t know if I could do that.

“Look at me, Ace of the Skies, afraid of my own emotions.”

“It’s alright to be scared,” I replied back, my hand never leaving her shoulder. “Honestly, I’m scared as well. I don’t know what to expect from this. But, if anything we can get through this, you and me. We’ve always overcame everything that had been thrown at us together. Why stop now? Why stop at this?” At least I got a better smile out of you.

“But why me?” I couldn’t help but smile at that question. That was an easy one to answer.

“It’s because I love you. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy. I want to repay for all the kindness you’ve given me, and even more. I want to give you a life which you can be happy. A life where you will always know there is always someone in this life who loves you more than life itself.”

“Fate-chan…”

That was the truth. You are my world, my life. You gave me my life. I want to at least do something that’s just as meaningful. Nanoha, I’ll do anything, just to see you smile.

“Fate-chan…” Wait, why are you crying?

“Fate-chan!” I must’ve either done something right or wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t be hugging me right now, crying onto my shoulder. So I did the natural thing. I held her close, and let her cry. I can only imagine what kind of turmoil she had been going through, and what she was going through now.

“Nanoha,” I said, gently cradling her, shushing her as she cried. Even if it was just once, I silently enjoyed this moment, even if it was just to comfort her. I’m sorry for causing you this pain Nanoha. I really am. You suffered over a week because of me. I couldn’t help but smile sardonically myself. I had wanted to protect her from pain, but look at me. I did this to her. I told her my feelings, and she gets hurt by it. But I suppose it comes naturally with these grounds. I suppose love can really make you do things you’d never normally do.

At least you’ve finally calmed down enough to sit up normally again. Undoing the cloth that held my lunch together, I passed it off to you as a handkerchief. You weren’t keen on it, but I insisted. You eventually take the thing, and blew your nose on it. I really don’t mind. I did that for you anyways.

“I suppose it’s a no,” I finally said. It couldn’t be helped. If she didn’t want the relationship, then I won’t force it on her. It was her choice to make, not mine. You remain silent. I guess I got my answer there, and you look like you needed to be alone for a while. I can live with that. I hope.

“I guess I’ll leave you alone for now.” Packing my lunch, I got up to leave. And yet before I even took a step, I find my hand in yours.

“Nanoha?”

“Can-can we keep this outside of school?” you quietly asked. Looking at you, I noticed that you a pink tinge on your cheeks.

I was at a loss of words. You actually said yes. You actually said yes. My heart felt so light all of a sudden, and I think I was crying as well.

That's what I have, and it had a hard time letting the idea flow near the end there...help? T.T

[Satashi]

long post is long.

After sleeping in burst today, I'm still tired enough to get back in bed.... I'll try and read this Saturday

[ghazghkull]

Originally Posted by Satashi

long post is long.

After sleeping in burst today, I'm still tired enough to get back in bed.... I'll try and read this Saturday

Yeah, better read it when you're all better.

[SpaceBrotha]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

And in terms of RoL, I'm having problems trying to get a solid idea running through...maybe because of how the story is progressing, I'm not sure. This is what I have so far. Maybe some ideas and comments?

Spoiler for Road of Love:

*snip*

That's what I have, and it had a hard time letting the idea flow near the end there...help? T.T

Well, i read it, i liked it...
...and spoilers following:

Spoiler for Errors and suggestions:

"I don’t want to Nanoha to get hurt" -> "I don't want Nanoha to get hurt"

"And the last thing I need is you two to get into a disagreement." would "Argument" be better here? or do you want to stick to what you already have?

'“You kind of did,” you replied' err... 'she replied'?

"It was the honest trust." 'thrust'? 'answer'?

"I was hoping for answers, but all I did was asked new ones, which I don’t know if you can answer." -> 'I hoped to find answers, but all i got were new questions'
The way you have it phrased now make it seem like nanoha wanted answers from fate, but all she got were new questions... from fate... which she doesn't think fate can answer... see the problem?

Then there's the end... and i think i see your problem, it IS a bit abrupt...
...how about postponing the entire 'why me?' and afterwards?
just leave them with silence or something else for the rest of the lunch, and have nanoha come to a decision later on?

It's too bad the they don't share a residence like in satashis fic... though i suppose you could have nanoha asking fate to come to the takamachi house at some point... and have nanoha come out with her answer there... starting with the 'why me' question.

...I think you need to make it look like nanoha had already made her decision BEFORE asking 'why me?', so that it's not that much of what made her concent, but instead merely strengthened the feeling.

That's all i can think of, a few minor grammar and spelling errors, and a bit of advice...
...hope that helps!

Edit: how about having hayate/arisa/suzuka come up with a sleepover? It might require a bit of work, but i think it's plausible, especially since suzukas house is bloody enormous with more than enough rooms to have a little private conversation

[Gillian]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

Spiritual Garden.

I had said along the lines of, "Please refrain from speaking to me in this manner again," although I had half a mind of adding, "otherwise appropriate action will be taken on my part," but that would've made me look like some sort of antagonist.

And in terms of RoL, I'm having problems trying to get a solid idea running through...maybe because of how the story is progressing, I'm not sure. This is what I have so far. Maybe some ideas and comments?

Spoiler for Road of Love:

You simply looked at me strangely at that response. I suppose it couldn’t be helped, since I was a bit vague with it, but like you said, you wanted to figure it out yourself. And considering the way you looked at me, you just maybe needed a few nudges, and then there, you’ve found me.

We spent the next little while in relative silence.

At least I learned one thing: she’s opened to being a lesbian, but the actual relationship aspects was what she was shaky about. I could live with that. At least there’s hope.

The only problem would be how everyone outside our circle of friends would handle it, but I think it’s another bridge that’ll be crossed when we got to it. If all went well, we’ll cross that bridge together. I promise you Nanoha, I’ll be strong for you if all goes wrong.

We stayed here for quite a while, before you finally decided to call it in early, and the two of us headed home. We didn’t say much. That expression on your face was enough to tell me you had a lot on your mind now. Knowing you, you’re right now trying to figure make sense out of what I just told. Although I wouldn’t be too surprised if you figured it out today, I think it’ll take at least a week before you actually finally caught on.

Checking the time, I realized that I actually would have time to actually visit Erio before the day was over. Of course I’d walk you home first, Nanoha.

The next few days were okay. They weren’t what I had hoped, but at least they weren’t horrid.

Unfortunately, you were a lot quieter than usual, but from the way only Suzuka and Arisa were concerned, I easily realized that you had turned to Hayate as well. She was everyone’s advisor, after all. I wouldn’t be too surprised if an Admiral one day came to her for advice.

At school, the rate of people asking you out had dropped quite a bit. I suppose with your present mood, it couldn’t be helped. But that did ease my heart quite a bit, considering how the last thing I really wanted was for people to bother you, especially with the way you were right now.

You still talked to us, but it was somewhat more reserved than it usually was, even for you. You’d put up a front, but it was easy to see through. All of us could see it, and I’m sure you’re aware of it. But you keep that front up, so that other people don’t bother you as much. At least that was a good thing, but sooner or later, you’re going to have to let it out. But then again, I guess it couldn’t be helped. I mean, I did drop quite a hint.

It was now Wednesday, and you were still out of it.

And instead of being there with you, I was now on the roof with Hayate.

“Looks like you took some of my advice and didn’t completely drop the bombshell on her.” That was the first thing she had to say?! But then again, it was just like Hayate to be direct and to the point.

“She came to me on Sunday,” she continued on. “Remember how I had said that she just needed that nudge? Well that was more like a shove unfortunately. I don’t know what you did, nor do I want to know, but now she’s confused about everything. I just want to warn you that she doesn’t understand what she’s feeling, and might turn to you for answers.”

“Me?!”

“You can’t expect to have made a leak and not answer to it,” she simply replied back. She made it sound like it was the most simplest of things. Give me a break here; it was nerve-racking as it was trying to get it done in the first place. But I guess it couldn’t be helped. I did say all that to Nanoha.

“Just be more careful with your words next time, Fate-chan,” she said sighed. “I don’t want to Nanoha to get hurt. And the last thing I need is you two to get into a disagreement. Besides, that would mean I could only hang out with you guys separately.” I simply nodded.

“Anyways, enough with the gloom. The others are waiting for us.” Suddenly grabbing my hand, Hayate started to drag me all the day down. If it weren’t for school, she’d probably just call up Rein, and jump right off and fly down.

Even after talking to Hayate, you never said a thing to me throughout the rest of the week.

What in the world was going on? This was out of character, even for you. I just hope nothing’s wrong. Although it might’ve been a mistake on my part for making such an irrational decision like that and drop as many hints as I did.

Today, you were really out of character. You were extremely jumpy, as if you were nervous about something. Was there something wrong about what I had told you that had gotten you like this? Or was it something else? Because throughout the entire day, you prematurely said “No I’m not interesting in going to the dance” to nearly every question that came from a guy, some who were simply asking for homework problems. That was one of the greater issues.

Another was the fact you actually got up and left the classroom when we had changed for PE. By the time everyone else was heading out, you had returned fully changed, with your uniform in hand. That raised quite a few alarms in my mind. Was someone bullying you, or harassing you that I wasn’t aware of? You never had such reservations about changing in front of other females before, so why now? Was something threatening you?

I guess I’m going to have to take this into my own hands soon, but I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. For all I know, you could be in such turmoil that brining that up again might only make it worse. But I guess when push comes to shove you’ll face it eventually, when you’re either ready, or forced into it.

Approaching you, your anxiety suddenly shot up, especially after just me simply touching your shoulder to grab your attention. “Can we talk during lunch?” You weakly nodded, and then walked away from me as fast as you could. I think I’m starting to regret dropping that hint, even if it was just looking at you deeply in the eyes.

Class passed by quite quickly, but I don’t think it was quick enough for you. You were constantly looking at the school tower, looking up the time to see when class was over. And when it finally ended, you immediately ran off ahead of the class and changed. What’s bothering you so badly, that you’re running away from almost everyone who tried to talk to you today, including myself and Hayate? I guess I’ll find out after Math class.

“Harlaown, pay attention!”

“Sorry.”

Oh what a nightmare. Unfortunately sensei must have been feeling extremely vindictive today. Drill, after drill, after drill, he kept giving us problems to do, show us the steps to answer the question, and then fire off another question, right until the end of class, assigning homework that was due in two days. And the moment sensei let us off, you immediately rushed to pack and get out of the class.

Right now was of those times I’m glad I kept my notes and belongings in such a manner it would only take a moment o put everything away. Pulling my lunch out, I quickly approached you, and laid a gentle hand on your shoulder, which resulted in drawing everyone’s attention. Of all the things you had to do, you had to shriek didn’t you? What’s on your mind? That’s gotten you so paranoid?

Gently leading you out of the classroom, we immediately headed up to the roof. It was the best bet we could get without anyone listening in. And I owe Hayate big time for this. Thanks to her she was keeping Arisa and Suzuka busy, so I could get this whole mess sorted out, although I’m still a bit miffed by her choice of last minute advice.

“Don’t blow it.”

What kind of advice is that? Of course I don’t want to blow it. I’d be out of my mind to blow it.

Finally, we’re on the roof. At least now we weren’t going to be bothered. I hope.

At least being alone seemed to help you calm down. At least you weren’t frantically looking about, and were finally able to sit down and relax. I thought you were going to have some sort of nervous breakdown during class.

“You okay?” May as well start if off easy. Taking a seat down next to her, I watched her slowly undo the cloth she used to keep her lunch packed together. It looked a bit bigger than usual though.

“Not really.” At least you weren’t trying to hide it as much.

“You want to talk about it?” This really isn’t like you Nanoha. It seemed that something just drained the life out of you or something.

You don’t really say anything, except let out a heavy sigh, and stare off into the sky. You always did love the sky.

“I’m here for you Nanoha,” I told her, giving her shoulder an assuring squeeze. If I didn’t see her nod, I probably would’ve thought she was in a world of her own. This might take the better part of the lunch period.

“How long?”

“Pardon?”

“Last week, you pretty much said you loved me, didn’t you?” Looks like you figured it out.

“Yeah, but I think I sort of screwed up and gave too much away…”

“You kind of did,” you replied, with such a sardonic smile that just didn’t suit you. This gloomy side doesn’t really work for you. If anything, I should have a gloomy side, considering how I grew up for a part of my life.

“So, how long?”

“I really don’t know.” It was the honest trust. I really don’t know.

“I guess…I guess I just only began to notice when others began to notice you.”

“What happened?”

“I started to get angry,” I suddenly replied. In all the times since all this had started, I don’t think I ever actually sat down and talked about how I felt, or how I ended up falling for her.

“All of them, asking for you to be their date for dances, asking you for a date, I began to get angry. And thinking back, I realized how many times I worried for you.

“That day, when we were 12, I worried so much. I don’t think I got any proper sleep until you finally woke up, and even then, your rehabilitation also worried me.”

“But we did get through it.” I nodded in agreement. We did get through that. Personally, I think it was a test of our friendship, and our bond, because after that, our friendship just grew and grew.

“Fate-chan, I really don’t know what to think,” you sighed, burying your head in your knees. “For 7 years, we’ve been friends, but this is quite a bit of a shock.”

“Nanoha…”

“Being told you’re a lesbian is something, nyaha…” At least you’re laughing, even if it’s weak. “But…being told you’re loved by a lesbian…it’s something else…

“I’m not sure how to look at you now.” I did the only thing I could do that I could do. Gently placing my hand on your shoulder, I gave it a gentle squeeze.

“How about someone who’s dear to you,” I suggested, which you returned with a slightly confused stare.

“Nanoha, look what we’ve been through in the past 7 years: The incident with my mother, our battles with the Book of Darkness, even your accident, and many other missions. Every one of them, we’ve gotten through it together. Even training, we completed together. And remember our promise to rank-up so that we could be together? We’ve been through a lot.”

“Yeah…we have…”

“Nanoha, I…I’ll understand if you say no…but even if you don’t look at me that way, I’m here for you as your closest friend.”

“Fate-chan…”

That was all I could say. In truth, this was your choice. My heart’s aching for you, but I wouldn’t do anything that would hurt you. You mean the world to me. And even if that means I have to give you up, I’ll do it, as long our friendship goes on.

“I don’t know if I can look at you that way,” you finally say. “This is really confusing…I was hoping for answers, but all I did was asked new ones, which I don’t know if you can answer.

“In all honesty, I’m scared…I’m scared of what I’ve always respected other couples have gotten through. They’ve fought and strived to have what they have…I don’t know if I could do that.

“Look at me, Ace of the Skies, afraid of my own emotions.”

“It’s alright to be scared,” I replied back, my hand never leaving her shoulder. “Honestly, I’m scared as well. I don’t know what to expect from this. But, if anything we can get through this, you and me. We’ve always overcame everything that had been thrown at us together. Why stop now? Why stop at this?” At least I got a better smile out of you.

“But why me?” I couldn’t help but smile at that question. That was an easy one to answer.

“It’s because I love you. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy. I want to repay for all the kindness you’ve given me, and even more. I want to give you a life which you can be happy. A life where you will always know there is always someone in this life who loves you more than life itself.”

“Fate-chan…”

That was the truth. You are my world, my life. You gave me my life. I want to at least do something that’s just as meaningful. Nanoha, I’ll do anything, just to see you smile.

“Fate-chan…” Wait, why are you crying?

“Fate-chan!” I must’ve either done something right or wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t be hugging me right now, crying onto my shoulder. So I did the natural thing. I held her close, and let her cry. I can only imagine what kind of turmoil she had been going through, and what she was going through now.

“Nanoha,” I said, gently cradling her, shushing her as she cried. Even if it was just once, I silently enjoyed this moment, even if it was just to comfort her. I’m sorry for causing you this pain Nanoha. I really am. You suffered over a week because of me. I couldn’t help but smile sardonically myself. I had wanted to protect her from pain, but look at me. I did this to her. I told her my feelings, and she gets hurt by it. But I suppose it comes naturally with these grounds. I suppose love can really make you do things you’d never normally do.

At least you’ve finally calmed down enough to sit up normally again. Undoing the cloth that held my lunch together, I passed it off to you as a handkerchief. You weren’t keen on it, but I insisted. You eventually take the thing, and blew your nose on it. I really don’t mind. I did that for you anyways.

“I suppose it’s a no,” I finally said. It couldn’t be helped. If she didn’t want the relationship, then I won’t force it on her. It was her choice to make, not mine. You remain silent. I guess I got my answer there, and you look like you needed to be alone for a while. I can live with that. I hope.

“I guess I’ll leave you alone for now.” Packing my lunch, I got up to leave. And yet before I even took a step, I find my hand in yours.

“Nanoha?”

“Can-can we keep this outside of school?” you quietly asked. Looking at you, I noticed that you a pink tinge on your cheeks.

I was at a loss of words. You actually said yes. You actually said yes. My heart felt so light all of a sudden, and I think I was crying as well.

That's what I have, and it had a hard time letting the idea flow near the end there...help? T.T

is this the rewritten chapter3?

edit: I like it and a good ending

maybe I'm to used at Satashi-samas writting style, but I suggest you could merge the sentence which only speaks Fate or Nanoha, before the other starts

Spoiler for example:

“I don’t know if I can look at you that way,” you finally say. “This is really confusing…I was hoping for answers, but all I did was asked new ones, which I don’t know if you can answer. “In all honesty, I’m scared…I’m scared of what I’ve always respected other couples have gotten through. They’ve fought and strived to have what they have…I don’t know if I could do that. “Look at me, Ace of the Skies, afraid of my own emotions.”

“It’s alright to be scared,” I replied back, my hand never leaving her shoulder. “Honestly, I’m scared as well. I don’t know what to expect from this. But, if anything we can get through this, you and me. We’ve always overcame everything that had been thrown at us together. Why stop now? Why stop at this?” At least I got a better smile out of you.

I think, its easier to read so, but how I write above, maybe I'm to used at the writting style of Satashi-sama

Spoiler for correction:

“Can-can we keep this outside of school?” you quietly asked. Looking at you, I noticed that you a pink tinge on your cheeks. <--- Is there not better "you have a"

maybe I find something more, what spacebrotha didn't mention

[Kourin]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

Spiritual Garden *snip* [/SPOILER]

That's what I have, and it had a hard time letting the idea flow near the end there...help? T.T

effective use of the second person. It’s hard to make that work as it usually just sounds weird (and repetitive with all the 'you' in there) but you pulled it off quite well. It’s so awesome to see Fate being so solid and certain, stepping up to the plate. She also felt pleasantly mature especially in how she handled the situation.

As a suggestion, maybe use the present tense instead of the past tense? Gives it a more “in the moment” feel especially since you’re using the second person. My grammar isn’t that great so there were places where I wasn’t sure if it was a tense mistake or not.

Spoiler:

the drama/angst after the confession was just the right amount. not too much that it's annoying but not too little either that it doesn't feel real.

There were some awkward sentences and mistakes but nothing a read-through couldn’t fix. (felt a little rushed in the editting?) since I did the more detailed edits in a word document, I had to send it to you in an email. hope that helps.

overall it was a nice read. I especially liked Hayate's role in all this. It was a small one but she was effective and in character.

Spoiler:

my fave part was when Nanoha started to answer every question with 'No I’m not interesting in going to the dance”. that really amused me

[ghazghkull]

@Gillian

Thanks for the comments, and no this isn't a rewrite of Chapter 3, that's Chapter 4 being written.

As for the way I had arranged some of the sentences, that's because they are two separate topics being stated by the same person. At least that's how I write when one of my characters has more than one thing to say.

@Kourin

The awkward sentences indeed. And in terms of Hayate's character, I've been there before :P I just recently retired from a Cadet Unit so I'm familiar of what it's like to be in a high-ranking leadership position, with only maybe a handful of people who are my superior XD

To all readers:

This isn't completed! I was asking for opinions so that I can either rewrite it or continue. And from previous opinions, I just may actually change some of it at some point.

Thanks to those who've commented so far. ^^

[SpaceBrotha]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

To all readers:

This isn't completed! I was asking for opinions so that I can either rewrite it or continue. And from previous opinions, I just may actually change some of it at some point.

Thanks to those who've commented so far. ^^

You wanted ideas and suggestions, and that's what you got, hope they help

anyway, i went around and read the next batch of fics, this time by Evangelion Xgouki...

I'll try to avoid spoilers, and i remind again that this is merely a sort of commentary/summary with a bit of opinions thrown in for good measure

Oh, and anyone who's about to read them, i suggest that you start with the last one in satashis list: "A magical christmas" and then the other two in what ever order you want

So...

Spoiler for A magical christmas:

A daily routine (forwards going Ouch...), a daily meeting, and some festivity... a Lot of family bonding iced with some humour.
A lighthearted fic about vivios first christmas, and her introducion to the takamachi family, who reacted just about the way i imagined they would...

Also, vivio got to meet arisa and suzuka, as did agito, who also met suzukas cats...

So, a slice of the aces life after strikers, and some festivity to top it off.

Spoiler for My master:

A unique monologue where raging heart tells history from her point of view...
I think Eva depicted RH's personality as well as it could be, considering that we know practically zilch about the device's personality... aside from loyalty.

It is also surprisingly touching to read some of the events that happened during the original serie, a's and strikers (also some in between and after the series) from RH's POV...

...and no, Eva didn't use the A's nano version of RH... though i think it would have served better, had the genre been humour

Spoiler for And she smiles:

A touching short where Fate comes home and reminisces about the past, and smiles during the present.
Monologue where fate tells us how nanoha has affected her life through out the years.

It's really hard to think up anything negative of the fics: the characters seem in character, the plot's easy to follow, descriptions are clear and abundant so you're never confused as to what's going on and there's just about no grammatical errors and only 2 typos that i found (but forgot by now )...
...so, in one word: Solid.

Only thing that i've got against these fics is the length, as a fan of stories of truly EPIC proportions (in fanfiction, it would be daishi primes Deva serie, satashi's 6th div books, and nightengales saga of Saga), i was a bit disappointed at the short length of these fics... Especially considering the solid storytelling found in these fics. Well, my preferences can hardly be thought as a fault of the author

Anyways, hope to see more from you, Evangelion Xgouki

[Gillian]

Originally Posted by ghazghkull

@Gillian

Thanks for the comments, and no this isn't a rewrite of Chapter 3, that's Chapter 4 being written.

As for the way I had arranged some of the sentences, that's because they are two separate topics being stated by the same person. At least that's how I write when one of my characters has more than one thing to say.

japp,
I have read too many Fics from Satashi

and I think RoL has a Prologue and Chapter1-3?
with fanfiction chaptering it would be chapter4

ahhh*head scratching* Now I'm confused


@spacebrotha
now I'm interested
edit: Oh, I already read that fics
but I don't care*reading again*
nice storys
poor fate, poor nanoha *sad*

and have you read some Fics from Arigatou or are you going to read the fics from the first page?
*waits for more summarys, maybe I forgot a good fic*

[Satashi]

@ghazghkull: Forgive shortness but I read it and it was spiffy. *afraid to review*

[Satashi]

SbtB hit 4k words.......... trying hard. still so very, very sleepy ><