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Old 2009-10-10, 23:19   Link #1781
cheyannew
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Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
Now I suppose it's time for me to start thinking of what exactly to say, how to word things and whatnot.
Oh, THAT part is easy...

"I don't think we should continue seeing one another, our goals for this relationship aren't the same, and I'd rather part while we're still friendly."

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Old 2009-10-10, 23:20   Link #1782
Splitpersonality
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Right, thanks for the additional advice. It does sort of make me feel like shit that I've done things right, I've kept my promises, and I've gone without money and in one case food to get her a present, it feels like my hard work is just being turned into a pile of shit, but I know I won't be able to change her mind, because I think her friends in college are rallied against me, or maybe that's just me being paranoid.

One thing that bothers me is she keeps blaming me for scaring her by saying eventually I might want to marry her, so she's getting freaked out because I made a passing comment regarding something that will most likely not happen? Bah.

Another problem is, well she's done a lot for me. No she hasn't changed or done anything to help the relationship, but she's opened up a world of new things for me that I had never considered before, music, books, TV shows, everything, and part of me just feels so thankful to her for that, and I really do feel like I've grown as a person. If we were both more mature about things, I have a terrible feeling that we would work out, am I wrong in thinking this? Should I even think of this?

I mean, I want to continue to be friends with her after this, but I don't want her to then turn around at an eventual point and go "Yeah, I think I'm ready to date you now," and me not be ready to or not even want to. Should I just straight out excise her from my life?


EDIT
Quote:
Oh, THAT part is easy...
You'd think so, but I'm not just breaking up with her, I'm doing it in search of truth. I want to know what exactly bothered her so much about me to cause this distension. I want to know everything so that I can prevent myself from being the same way with other people.
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Old 2009-10-10, 23:40   Link #1783
RadiantBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
Another problem is, well she's done a lot for me. No she hasn't changed or done anything to help the relationship, but she's opened up a world of new things for me that I had never considered before, music, books, TV shows, everything, and part of me just feels so thankful to her for that, and I really do feel like I've grown as a person. If we were both more mature about things, I have a terrible feeling that we would work out, am I wrong in thinking this? Should I even think of this?
Heh...

Speaking from experience, this is normal. You'll always wonder, especially when she's placing most of the blame on you. It's not wrong to think that way, even if sometines it hurts.

Quote:
I mean, I want to continue to be friends with her after this, but I don't want her to then turn around at an eventual point and go "Yeah, I think I'm ready to date you now," and me not be ready to or not even want to. Should I just straight out excise her from my life?
If you want to get her out of her life, then you need to be sure that it's something you want and something you'll feel good about when it's finally said and done. You don't have to get back with her if you don't want to if she ever comes back to you. It's all your choice.
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Old 2009-10-11, 00:15   Link #1784
Quzor
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Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
Right, thanks for the additional advice. It does sort of make me feel like shit that I've done things right, I've kept my promises, and I've gone without money and in one case food to get her a present, it feels like my hard work is just being turned into a pile of shit, but I know I won't be able to change her mind, because I think her friends in college are rallied against me, or maybe that's just me being paranoid.

One thing that bothers me is she keeps blaming me for scaring her by saying eventually I might want to marry her, so she's getting freaked out because I made a passing comment regarding something that will most likely not happen? Bah.

Another problem is, well she's done a lot for me. No she hasn't changed or done anything to help the relationship, but she's opened up a world of new things for me that I had never considered before, music, books, TV shows, everything, and part of me just feels so thankful to her for that, and I really do feel like I've grown as a person. If we were both more mature about things, I have a terrible feeling that we would work out, am I wrong in thinking this? Should I even think of this?
In my experience, what a person shows you of the world, is significantly less important than what they're able to teach you about yourself. Assuming you're not on your death bed (you seem to be of virile age), you'll have plenty of chances to have the world opened up to you. You simply have to be open-minded about both what you see, and what is presented to you.

If you were both more mature, you may indeed work it out. However, that's not the case, clearly. No matter what the reason, it would seem as though this relationship is headed towards its end. As many have said before me, it may be best for you to come to terms with that, and end it directly. You're welcome to still attempt a friendship with her, but don't be surprised if that option becomes unavailable when the relationship ends.

In my opinion, the person you're in a relationship with should not make you feel used. I think Zetsubo had one good point, in that relationships are about give and take, and both parties have to be willing to give and take a near-equal amount. From what you've described, it sounds like she's taking far more than she's giving. For me, the "open relationship" would be the last straw; now she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Quote:
I mean, I want to continue to be friends with her after this, but I don't want her to then turn around at an eventual point and go "Yeah, I think I'm ready to date you now," and me not be ready to or not even want to. Should I just straight out excise her from my life?
Like I said above, if you want to pursue the friendship possibility, you should do that. However, be wary of the way you were treated in the relationship, and take note of the fact that your friendship with her could turn out much the same way, if in a different context.


Quote:
You'd think so, but I'm not just breaking up with her, I'm doing it in search of truth. I want to know what exactly bothered her so much about me to cause this distension. I want to know everything so that I can prevent myself from being the same way with other people.
I wouldn't stress yourself out too much about what you did wrong. The bottom line is, the relationship didn't work out. If you start freaking out about where you went wrong, or what your problem was, that's all that will be on your mind when you attempt to start that next relationship. Be confident in the person that you are, and certainly don't try to make drastic personal changes based on your very first relationship.
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Old 2009-10-11, 05:20   Link #1785
H23
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Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
Okay, so we ended up fighting, and arguing over the nature of our relationship.

She believes in open relationships in an old fashioned sense. She wants to be able to go out and meet other people and experience the world. I get this, and I sort of agree. She also wants to make sure that whomever she's marrying is the right person, so she wants to essentially "shop around". She sated that she pretty much knows she will not marry me. This bothers me a little, but she's young and I'm young and I'm really not worried about that sort of thing right now. My biggest problem would her to suddenly just go, "So yeah, I like this guy more than you so we're breaking up," which is a reality I most likely have to face... and I'm not really sure if I could handle being friends with her, I think she knows too much about me and visa versa...

This is also pretty okay by me, I used to think that a relationship was a mutual agreement between two persons that "We shall date until we find discourse or reason to stop," but I'm guessing that's not how everyone else thinks.

My main problem, is I have to make up the terms of our open relationship and I need your help coming up with terms. I need to think of things that I want to outright state so that it truly is an old fashioned open relationship.

I don't want her going around having sex with people at her leisure, and I'm not going to be doing this either. This is, I believe, the first term in the agreement.

You guys know how I feel, and I would like you to please help. If you need any more info please, feel free to just ask.
Uh. Tell her to gtfo:

This clearly ain't going anywhere, I'm sorry but that's the cut and clear truth man... she's just dragging it so as she doesn't have to do the dirty work of breaking up with you in a swift and harsh manner (and that you might get the hint later on down the road, and break up with her instead).

And as for staying friends after your guys' breakup? No.
If you really want to help yourself (seeing how clearly you are balls deep into this girl and she.. just doesn't feel that way for you anymore, if she ever did), distance yourself from her until you truly get over her or meet somebody else; If you stick around with her as a "friend" after you guys break up, you will just fuck yourself even more since we all know that the "friend" act after a breakup (in a fairly serious relationship, not a fling) is bullshit, and that you're sticking around because you still like her and deep in the back of your head - want to get back with her (when clearly she doesn't).
Distance yourself. You won't get over her unless you do, and if you don't - it'll just hurt that much more when you see her go off with some other guy.
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Old 2009-10-11, 09:33   Link #1786
whitepearl
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Ari Gold FTW One of my favorite Entourage related gifs.

But back to the subject at hand...

Some people do like to "shop around" when it comes to significant others...it's almost like job offers: you want to have at least two to consider so that way you won't be putting all your eggs into one basket.

H23 is right...you really don't want to end up in the friendzone with her. Most friendzones do not yield anything great. Not saying they are all bad but it's generally a pretty crappy "consolation prize" if the girl was one you really wanted to be your girlfriend.

It will take a lot of time to get over the girl (the length varies but one cannot get over someone in a week) but once you do, you'll feel better about it all.
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Old 2009-10-11, 10:30   Link #1787
Splitpersonality
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It will take a lot of time to get over the girl (the length varies but one cannot get over someone in a week) but once you do, you'll feel better about it all.
Our two year date would've been January 24th. How long do you think it'll take? lol
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Old 2009-10-11, 10:53   Link #1788
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Originally Posted by Splitpersonality View Post
Our two year date would've been January 24th. How long do you think it'll take? lol
How long it takes varies on what kind of person you are. It's not something that's set in stone. Just take as long as you need.
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Old 2009-10-11, 11:13   Link #1789
whitepearl
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Pretty much what RadiantBeam said.

It took me years (literally) to get over the fact that some girl I liked, and wanted as a gf, didn't feel the same way about me.

It's different for everyone. The gripe for me was this perceived level of compatibility I thought I had with her...and I had this strong sense of wanting to "belong" to someone, thanks to the fact I had very few friends when I was little. But my experience isn't typical of everyone else's.

Just give yourself time...and don't hesitate to consult friends for advice and help.
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Old 2009-10-11, 12:51   Link #1790
Shinoto
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Honestly, you sound pathetic.

I'll tell you exactly how this is going to go down.
1. She will or is, finding someone else. You break up either way
2. You're going be one of those who go into self-pity mode and wonder what went wrong, I can change, etc. Become even more of a sad case
3. After some time you're going to look back at the **** you wrote, and face palm at how pathetic the **** you wrote was.

I mean, when I start to hear that crap about how she is so wonderful, how she changed me, how I'm a new man because of her, and all that jazz. It's sounds like you are just pinning your life on her. No one likes someone who can't stand on their own two feet.

Truth is, This happens to almost every guy. They are going to like someone who just isn't going to return the feelings. And they are going to feel like it's their fault. Now you either take this as a learning experience, or you go into a pathetic slump and end up wasting allot of time whining over her.
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Old 2009-10-11, 12:59   Link #1791
Splitpersonality
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3. After some time you're going to look back at the **** you wrote, and face palm at how pathetic the **** you wrote was.
Yeah I'm being hit by that right about... now... lol
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Old 2009-10-11, 13:10   Link #1792
Narona
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Originally Posted by Shinoto View Post
Truth is, This happens to almost every guy. They are going to like someone who just isn't going to return the feelings. And they are going to feel like it's their fault.
Strangely, if you're talking about couples' behaviors, here it's the opposite, it happens more to girls than guys. A study showed that feelings and love are more important to women than to men. So usually, most women give/do more for the relationship
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Old 2009-10-11, 13:16   Link #1793
Splitpersonality
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Strangely, if you're talking about couples' behaviors, here it's the opposite, it happens more to girls than guys. A study showed that feelings and love are more important to women than to men. So usually, most women give/do more for the relationship.
Well I'm not exactly a hulking manly man anyway, lol :P
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Old 2009-10-11, 13:28   Link #1794
Narona
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Well I'm not exactly a hulking manly man anyway, lol :P
I didn't say that as a critic towards you ^^

I didn't read all your posts, but you seem[ed] really in love. And you don't seem to be the type to harm somebody. I can't say anything that will comfort you, but it's sad it didn't work out. But life is like that, the worst can happen whatever if you're a good person or not.
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Old 2009-10-11, 13:47   Link #1795
Splitpersonality
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I didn't say that as a critic towards you ^^

I didn't read all your posts, but you seem[ed] really in love. And you don't seem to be the type to harm somebody. I can't say anything that will comfort you, but it's sad it didn't work out. But life is like that, the worst can happen whatever if you're a good person or not.
I know, I was using the wording of your fact as a way for me to downplay my masculinity as a joke. It's kind of how I break tension in awkawrd situations, for the most part.

There's not much you could say to comfort me, I doubt many people could. It's just my pile o' crap to deal with, and I have to.

Besides that I'll probably be okay because I'm pretty used to things going poorly lol, as emo as that sounds.
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Old 2009-10-11, 14:00   Link #1796
ChainLegacy
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Originally Posted by Narona View Post
Strangely, if you're talking about couples' behaviors, here it's the opposite, it happens more to girls than guys. A study showed that feelings and love are more important to women than to men. So usually, most women give/do more for the relationship
I'd say it can go both ways. Some people just aren't very sensitive about these things, but I don't think it has anything to do with their gender, just their personality.
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Old 2009-10-11, 14:14   Link #1797
Kusa-San
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I'd say it can go both ways. Some people just aren't very sensitive about these things, but I don't think it has anything to do with their gender, just their personality.
I'm not sure about it. I agree with Miss Narona. I think men are less sensitive about these thing than women. Of course, it's not true for every women and men and you can have the contrary.
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Old 2009-10-11, 14:31   Link #1798
Narona
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I'm not sure about it. I agree with Miss Narona. I think men are less sensitive about these thing than women. Of course, it's not true for every women and men and you can have the contrary.
It's not about agreeing with me or not. Avoid to say that please, because there are anonymous people here who like to neg rep me for whatever stupid reason they find.

I refered to the results from the study about the sexuality of the French, from 2006. It is for example stated with numbers that there are way more french men who can (are willing to) have sex without love, than women. So in the articles and programs that followed those results (and I guess there are more in the book released in 2008), that women care about feelings and love more than men when it comes to sexual and romantic relationships.
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Old 2009-10-11, 14:36   Link #1799
Kusa-San
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It's not about agreeing with me or not. Avoid to say that please, because there are people here who like to neg rep me for whatever stupid reason they find.
And ? The fact that I will be agree with you or not will change nothing. I mean, it's my post not your
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Old 2009-10-11, 14:38   Link #1800
Narona
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And ? The fact that I will be agree with you or not will change nothing. I mean, it's my post not your
Sorry for my bad tone, I am just annoyed by said bad reps.

I just meant that the conclusion that Love matters more for french women than men doesn't come from me, so that you can't agree with me, since it's not a personal comment.
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