Dating

[Knightrunner]

Originally Posted by zebra

Men puzzle me all the time, even so they are more easy to understand Way simpler, still a mystery sometimes.
Granted, often it's just me ovethinking things, but that only goes for guys I'm dating

I always like to keep my mystery aura, but I'm just to strait forward at times. lol It's definately harder to figure out your crush

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

Haha, can't speak for all men but people like me are hard to read because we have a complex personality. However we are the most predictable type as the way we think is really rigid and never changing. I think the most important way of understanding men is to not quickly give them a stereotype. The stereotypes come with a lot of features that aren't present in the person you put it on..

The complexity and predictable part is so true. I'll definately keep note of the bold parts.

Originally Posted by Paranoid Android

I don't expect to ever figure 'women' out, I give up on that. All I want to at least understand my partner.

Amen to this.

[NoemiChan]

Originally Posted by Tigress

Well I'm a hopeless romantic ^.^

Many are... We're good in giving "love advices" but a coward in applying it ourselves..

From a person who never had a girlfriend since birth>>> Me..

[csuree]

Originally Posted by zebra

Men puzzle me all the time, even so they are more easy to understand Way simpler, still a mystery sometimes.
Granted, often it's just me ovethinking things, but that only goes for guys I'm dating

LoL we are not simple at all..... don't be so hard on us.....please maybe it is only me, but i consider my self a real hard to crack "egg" in terms of personality.
or ....correction it is only me.. in my vecinity lives a brother who is always thinking of three major things...money, car and girls. he is simple.
on the other hand i am a much more complex personality my happiness doesn't come from only these things.....i think i am defective or something cause i overcomplicate the simple things......but why???? i wanna be a social person, i wanna be loved by a cute girl, or more(but no harem please ladies :P -one at a time-), i want to be successful in a career that i like, i wanna do and learn so many new things that my life would not be enough for 20% of these things.

even now i have a lack of time.....i work, i have fun my way, i do what i do to make myself happy (no hentai thoughts here please.) and every day i got to bed at 1-2 am cause i don't have enough time to do it all..gimme an advice hoew to stop spending lots of money on stupid things? please.

and i feel like whatever i do the world is trying to reject my existence. i'm feeling so lonely. that at times my hearth aches and feel like shivers are running down my back and my chest tightens. it moves me to tears sometimes. but i'm a man so i suck it back up.

Originally Posted by GenjiChan

Many are... We're good in giving "love advices" but a coward in applying it ourselves..

From a person who never had a girlfriend since birth>>> Me..

Group hug Genji-chan.....i feel you... same here (this is also 1 reason why i think of myself as a defect product)

am i such a bad guy that i drive away anyone who approaches me?
am i meant to find true happiness in this life (shiver- heartache- tight chest combo)?? or i was meant to be alone ? (combo strikes again)
i tried to pick up literally hundreds of girls in the last decade, statistically speaking i should have had at least 1 girl.....but i didn't.

Recently i gave up a serious addiction of mine (WoW) and found out that not even this takes me out of my miserable life...don't worry i will not go back i put it off for good, but still when i think of my life as a whole, i sometimes get the feeling that it might have had been better if the ombilical cord wrapped around my neck at birth would have finished the job.
and thinking about it if i was the winner in the spermatozoid's race for the ovule, how could have the rest turned out???

anyway this way of thinking isn't getting me anywhere....i'm a total loser and i will always be.. i sometimes give off a puff of smoke called confidence but this goes away at the first breeze.....i'm sorry.. i'm a hypocrite.....i have no right to give anyone advice about love... as a failure of a man i should just resign to my fate.

my humblest apologies, i just don't have the will to fight for my happiness i'm giving up. all these years i fought, i clung to something that was not there... not even for a second....i ran i ran i ran after it countless times but never reached it...in my current situation i will not reach it ever.
i'd gladly fight for any other person's, but my own seems like a mirage in the desert....

anyway it is 2 am here so i will go to bed...let's see what tomorrow brings....i don't have my hopes up....

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by csuree

Group hug Genji-chan.....i feel you... same here (this is also 1 reason why i think of myself as a defect product)

am i such a bad guy that i drive away anyone who approaches me?
am i meant to find true happiness in this life (shiver- heartache- tight chest combo)?? or i was meant to be alone ? (combo strikes again)
i tried to pick up literally hundreds of girls in the last decade, statistically speaking i should have had at least 1 girl.....but i didn't.

Nobody is "meant" to be alone, or to be unhappy; nobody is "meant" to have the company of others, or to be happy. It's all about your perception, and what actions you take.

Don't try to inject statistics about dating. If you tried to pick up hundreds of girls and were never successful, it doesn't speak about you, it means that your approach wasn't working. You're a shy guy, did you ever think that perhaps when you're trying to ask a girl out on a date, you're not making your intent clear? Are you asking it in a manner that doesn't connect with others? Are you asking at the wrong place and time? There are many variables that can be adjusted here.

Originally Posted by csuree

anyway this way of thinking isn't getting me anywhere....i'm a total loser and i will always be.. i sometimes give off a puff of smoke called confidence but this goes away at the first breeze.....i'm sorry.. i'm a hypocrite.....i have no right to give anyone advice about love... as a failure of a man i should just resign to my fate.

Fate? There's a saying about this: "fate is what you are born with; destiny is what you make of it." It may not feel like it, but you're in total control.

There's another saying: "success belongs to those who were knocked down and got up just one more time." It's fine to take a break and regroup your thoughts and will to succeed after disappointments, but giving up?

Nobody can change themselves overnight. People can fake it, but to truly change yourself takes time and perseverance. It's unfortunate, but that's reality. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Given the gloomy demeanor, I take it something bad happened to you. Would you care to discuss it?

[csuree]

~edit: i just saw that under my age i am red.. i got negative reputation... very nice...the good guy gone bad... i deserve it~


well as i said it i am gloomy almost 100% of the time, but i give off always the atmoshphere that nothing had happened. in fact...

well i'm trying to write my novel and i was thinking it with injecting romance into it....and i want it to be sci-fi too but these too don't match....and when iget to some sad parts inevitably it pierces my soul...

"the bad thing that happened"???......the real problem is that nothing happened...absolutely nothing....i wish i could write this down in words....it is going to be hard but i will try.

the thing is that all started in grade school i think.....i tried to please my teacher i was a little nerd, but at least then i had friends.
in middle school i became addicted to sci-fi, astronomy, physics and all kinds of stuff that normal 12 year old kids don't get interested in. given my phisique (weak and skinny with glasses like harry potter) and because i was "unfortunate" to be smart enough to get in one of the most prestigious schools in town. Here i would say i was considered "poor" compared to the other kids whose parents were owning private companies or had been in politics etc. (you know the elite bunch of the city), my clothing was always old style, same with my haircut, i was a good kid but i got picked on, and embarrassed many times (they called me "mole-face" "rat-face" and many more insulting things). they also beat me up ..i was a pacifist (if i don't do anything eventually they will stop). i had a crush....they found it out and then they teased me even more....after a while the girls also started this. because no one stood out for me i got all lonely and cooped up retreating from social life to avoid those things. my parents also were strict and since they started building a house in a nearby village we did not have much money and time. every summer i was working at the construction and even during school in rare cases i went to a party....average 1 party/every 2 months with 3$ in my pocket and my mom said (don't spend it if u can). don't think my parents were all that great... they demanded to be top class student, to hepl them all the time, not to talk back ever and i got regular beating from them, mostly my dad, and in beating i say beating (to the point i got blue marks, or my bro wetted himself), even though they now always say that we were not bad kids. really i wasn't i tried to be diligent but they were never pleased
i wonder how i got through this living hell without killing myself.this left me with this enormous emotional "scar", i wasn't happy in school, i wasn't happy at home. the only place were i felt good was in between, when commuting or when i spent some days at granny's place.

in high school i stayed in the same school almost same classmates, and the new ones heard about my past and hell continued...i made 2 friends(shallow ones cuz nowadays they don't ask whether i live or not and when i want to meet up with them they don't have time etc). some girls were nice to me but probably out of pity. i helped my classmates every time i could. i even assisted at getting them hooked up. i always was the nice guy loser. at college at engineering it was mainly consisted of boys with very strong character so i put up a facede strong enough for them to leave me alone but weak enough to no t get close to anyone. darn my incompetence. and at my first workplace i met some good people but because of changes we drifted apart.

all these things made me the way i am. i should have had the courage to fight back every time i was oppressed by anyone, and then i would have been a more winner type.

my love life was defined of these traits so i only got rejection no matter how good i was. even the girls who were nice to me said (you are a good guy but i like you only as a friend) and when i heard this.. due to these drawback it was like a knife in the heart every time. i thought the good guys get the girl every time. due to this i started to become hostile towards everything and i think many times i am unconsciously hostile towards people. this i think is my def-mechaninsm.

i am knowledgeable in many many thing including love. i gave many of my "friends" good advice about women or to the girls i gave about men, but i myself was the one who couldn't get it all.

i got up so many times in my life that i think i am through with it...i might as well stay down and throw in the towel. i always took the blows that life threw at me, i handled them somehow but i think i just got fed up being a sandbag.
i wanna be a thunderous storm, i wanna rage, i wanna be happy for real, i wanna ...... i just wanna break down and cry...... i hate pretending to be strong.....i want to get spoiled, i want someone to take my by the arm, to cuddle up to me, to have a good conversation with,i want to take a stroll with a person i love from the heart, someone who i could say nice things, someone to embrace.
i just wish for happiness....no money, no career, just true emotional happiness.

and since this got long i might as well link in a spoiler tag a summary of my would be novel (it reflects my true feeling cuz i wrote it from the heart)

it does not have a perma title i thought it to title it "A Wish Under The Starry Sky"
and the sci-fi part i not in it yet.. but it will be later

Spoiler for summary:

~Author's note: the character don't have name yet so in this little summary i will use some abbreviations: MC - main character, CH - childhood~

random flashing images... panting, ...sobbing sounds...panting....rumble, crash, explosion. a sharp cry pierces the silence that has descended. Flashing images of a long haired girl who is tightly hugging a person and crying over him/her. then a sharp, thumping step wakes the girl from her shock and as she looks up her teary face begins to become one of anger. as she grits her teeth she is holding onto a sword, and grasping it firmly. she prepares to launch herself into battle. image blacks out.

a boy wakes up, in a green field sheltering his eyes from the bright March sun. He sits up, takes a deep breath and admires the view, the sound and the smell of the awakening nature. he stands up and starts to leave. looks like he came here alone, far away from the city that only brings him controversial feelings. as he reaches the edge of the field he looks back, wonders for a short time and begins to run back in the field, stirring up the flowers which lose some petals and the wind picks them up, and creates a scenery of extraordinary beauty. he looks back, trips and lands....Baff....the sky is azure blue with white clouds like cotton-candy here and there. the boy grins widely and closes his eyes.

he wakes up in a dark and gloomy room with the same grin as before. despite the weather being very bad now he is feeling very cheerful, and gets ready for morning. he lives in a small apartment, in the big city, as the time of departure arrives closer he becomes ever more sorrowful. before he leaves he looks back to the room and mutters: i'll be home soon.

the heavy rain only adds to the dark atmosphere. he gets in his car (an old one) and sets off to school. he is 19 but various circumstances made him skip not one but 2 years. so he has like 1.5 years until graduation. he arrives at school with some time to spare. he parks his car far-off to avoid being picked on. because he has an average build and glasses he gets picked on often. being also a retaker this adds to the flame. there is only two thing that he is good at: science and he also has good reflexes. numerous times his reflexes saved him from serious injuries but today he gets ambushed and humiliated. No one jumps in (one girl tries but her friends stop her). beaten, drenched he attends the rest of the classes. even during lunch break to avoid getting bullied he goes to the roof in his quiet little place.

The girl who wanted to help him turns out to be his childhood friend, she apologises he says it is nothing he saw that her friends held her back. (she is one of the most beautiful girl in school she was Ms hi-school once and appeared in a fashion magazine 3-4 times). He is thinking that she should be better off without him, cause he is dragging her down, if they continue to be friends. She cheers him up with a few funny stories, and they get to see a rainbow as the sun comes out, and the rain stops.
He tells her about the field that he saw in his dream, she listens to it and murmurs "I wish i was there with you". He asks i f anything is wrong but the girl objects and says "It's nothing". School ends and the real hassle begins, our protagonist has to work to maintain his lifestyle, he is living alone (he was a child who grew up in a difficult family, and at 17 he left the family house).

recollection chapters:
he started working abandoned school and last year in September he bumped into his childhood friend and she persuaded him to finish school and to start college. she tutored him because even though he was good in science, math was a subject he could not win against. She visited him a few times for supplementary lessons, He also visited her house a few times(her parents are loving cheerful and they make jokes about the girl getting to "that" age.). At one time he went to her lessons and found that the girl had some friends over. the girls when they saw the boy, had frowned, and the boy asked himself out to get some water and as he came back he stopped by the door and heard the conversations behind his back and realized that it is true that he might have some feelings for her she will never be happy with someone like him. He knocks and enters politely, but makes up an excuse to leave. As he is leaving the little sister who 1 year younger than his friend stands in the doorway glaring at him. His childhood friend walks him to the gate of her house and bides farewell. after he leaves the girls in her room become more persistent about her severing any connection to him, because he's too lame and dull. she reluctantly nods at their request. and after they leave she goes down to eat. she meets her little sister who is also eating. these two did not have a decent conversation because they are on bad terms due to differences in personality. She asks her big sister what were those b*tches talking about. she hesitates at first but tells her the truth. the little sister tells her to take care in the future and not to be nice to all around her.

little sister recaps what she saw an the hallway besides her sister's door: the boy standing there sweating, eavesdropping and clenching his fists real tight. Then as she watches with disgust the boy sheds tears and talks to himself about being so pathetic and good for nothing, he kneels down and wants to punch the floor but he looks ant the girl who was watching him. she only said to him: "worthless idiot. give up. you are pathetic. you might as well die. but still you...." and then she looked at him and something moved inside her. like she was remembering her sister happily playing with him and her, the three of them together.

The childhood friend thinks about what her friends and her sister told her and does not know what to do, she has an internal conflict and decides the compromise she will act as her friends want her, but she'll also be nice to her long time friend in secrecy.

The boy at work has some problems because he's overthinking the things that happened and he makes mistakes often. his colleagues observe this and get concerned but he says he's just tired. at the end of his shift it is already midnight and he's perparing to go home, but his colleagues invite him for a drink. he goes and hangs out with them(he doesn't drink) he drives them home. the last one to be left home is a female co-worker, and at her house she says to him to stop worrying his time will come, and about the girl he is thinking about, he should just make his move. he tries to retort back, denying that he has trouble with a girl, and she kisses him on the cheek and before they depart sticks out her tongue to him, smiling.

He goes home and resolves himself to finish school, and get into college and then one time he will be good enough for his childhood friend.
a little jump in time....he gets shocked along with her friend and the b*tches that, he gets transferred to the same class with her. the b_tches wow to drive him out and ask for some boys help to do this.
Recollection chapters end...

Back to the present... he works hard despite attending to school at the same time. we find out that he has a love for cars and his current car is a mini dream come true, even though the car is 15 years old. he goes home after midnight, he does his homework and by the time he observed it is already 3 am. he gets to bed, sleeps and goes to school in the morning. when he has the afternoon shift usually he drives his friend to school but today the b_tches arrived first and took her, and made rude gestures to him. He got depressed by this and thinked that his fears are becoming a reality. while thinking this his friends little sister, gets in the car and says that she is going to be late from school, the boy is surprised but the girl yells at him saying to drive already. they have the bad luck of getting caught up by a jam and the boy says he know a way but she better hang on cuz it will be rough. He then accelerates and goes on the small side roads to avoid the traffic; he goes through tight turns, inclined roads, drifts on dirt, showing off some great skill and reflexes avoiding to hit some other cars. the girl is amazed and with a happy face she praises him but realizes he is a total wimp and changes her expression frightening the boy. After she leaves he thinks but finds himself almost late from his school.....
Uwaaaa....as he races through the city he passes several super cars belonging to the ones bullying him, and a few turns before he arrives at school, he passes the b_tches' car while doing an almost impossible drift. the gilrs are amazed that ther is someone who can drive like this, and admire the driver. the childhood friend immediately recognizes the car and driving style (the car is black with heavily tinted windows). The boy parks down i his usual spot and leaves before the super cars and the b_tches arrive. the boys are furious, about how they were humiliated. and the girls wonder how dreamy a guy like this car's driver can be. the boys leave an invitation for an illegal race night at the weekend on the windshield, while the childhood friend has a small grin on her mouth knowing that the guy, the b_tches are melting for is the same guy they are bullying and also insulting.

At school nothing really changes, the only thing is that the bully-guys thought out to seduce him with the help of one of the more normal b_tches. she reluctantly agrees and in the lunchbreak they forcefully stop him and humiliate him but some things happen and the girl also got into a shameful situation. the guys make fun of her too but our "hero jumps in and defends" the girl causing the bullies to to become aggressive. they hit him several time until he collapses and spits blood. the b_tches seeing this get confused because one of them was saved by this guy, and they change their mind and help him out stopping the aggression before it goes too far.this change of heart pisses off the bullies and the lunge themselves towards the girls to show them real humiliation, but they are stopped by our hero, in an epic battle that reveals that he learned kendo at some time, after this battle he collapses unconscious.

He wakes up in the hospital surrounded by flowers and he thinks it is a dream, or that he died and he's at a funeral. he has bandages almost all over his body, he looks at the time and finds out that he's been her for 2 days skipping work and school too. he gets out of bed goes to the window, then a doctor comes in. She is gorgeous and looks more like a model than a doc; the MC asks what happened. The girl who looks no older than our hero tells him that he has reached the end of his life. he is shocked about it and starts to get depressed and panicked and then she says that she is not a real doctor in fact she is a goddess, and she proves it to our hero, who doubted her, and tells him that in approximately 6 months from now he will die on the 7th of August. he asks that if there is a way to avoid it, but the doc says it is impossible as he has a brain tumor that is only removable if the higher brain functions, the memory is damaged meaning that even if somehow he survived the operation he would become a retard who has no memories. The boy then asks if she as a goddess can do something about it, but she says that meddling in the affair of humans is strictly forbidden and she might have went overboard telling him these information. he kindly thanks the girl, and asks for some contact details if he would like to talk to somebody and he asks if someone came with him at the hospital. the goddess tells her that a young maiden is waiting for him outside, he realizes that it is his childhood friend and begs the doc to not tell her anything about his condition.
she accepts even though she is reluctant. he then says more firmly than ever that because he lives alone and has no relatives and friends he does not wish to give anyone a hard time and he wants to pass over in secrecy and disappear from any one's life. the girl accepts even though she argues back by saying: "what the hell do you think is waiting for you out there? a stranger?...she might be the most hurt when you will disappear from her life." he then retorts:" that is impossible as she will be strong enough to overcome this and by the time summer arrives she would get a BF and she would forget me in the mean time." After their discussion the doctor goes out and calls the girl in. She hurries in and almost jumps in the arms of the MC, but she refrains doing so and with teary eyes she says that she is glad that he is alive and well. he talks to her a bit, and because the hospital said that he can go home he gets ready only to realize he started changing in front of the girl. she screams, he screams to and she throws a bouquet at him....unfortunately the flowers had thorns. Funny moment here.

she walks him to his workplace and tells him to be careful not to overexert himself. he goes to work, and when finishes it goes home thinking very intently about his life ahead. he sees no way to lessen the pain so he thinks that by becoming introverted and sealing himself off the society will make everyone not notice him and eventually in the summer he can die without leaving a shred of sadness behind. the next day he goes to school avoids people and he acts dull to not attract any attention. but this is ;ate because he already attracted it yesterday with that fight. the class is in a noisy state but when he enters everybody falls silent and look at him. he looks back and goes to his desk sitting down and beginning to read a car magazine. his friends try to talk to him but he answers them back in a monotone voice and really short cold answers. at the lunch-break he takes his bag leaves in a hurry and his CH friend tries to go after him but is stopped by other girls asking for assistance. he goes to a quiet zone where he can eat and think alone and while doing this he talks to himself. as he realizes his life until now has no meaning, and happiness is only an illusion. he breaks down crying and hitting the ground. he then gets the idea hat he should get happiness for other people and by helping them in different tasks will take his mind off his problems, but this contradicts with his idea of being forgotten. he say this will work out somehow

during this lunch-break the CH friend is having a busy time and as usual many people flock around her. as the break comes to and end she searches for the MC but is unable to find him. he just manages to come back and hurriedly he crouches back on his desk. she would like to talk to him but he averted his gaze every time she moved her lips to talk to him cuz they are sitting next to each other. after some awkward classes the final bell rang and as usual some people gathered around the CH friend asking about walking her home and going shopping or karaoke, but she was more concerned about her friend than those "pretend friends", as she made way to him keeping an eye on him he stood up and went out as fast as possible. she called out for him but he was ignoring her and left. this raised her temper a bit but she knew there must be a problem. he never acts like this, the only time he acted this way was when his family had died and for weeks he was skipping from classes and wandering aimlessly. she also saw his gloomy side then when she was tailing her one day and found out that despite the calm and composed look when he was at school he was visiting the family grave crying over it, cursing and kicking. she knew something must be wrong because he was acting like back then. after getting out politely apologizing she searched for him but from the corridor window she only saw the car racing away with screeching tires.

at home the boy gave the music full volume so he could block out anyone....but that was only for one person in particular, his CH friend. the girl could not contact him on phone she left messages, e-mails but she did not receive any reply for several days. the only thing she could do is to wait patiently or to move on. as February came, Valentine's day approached a holiday best for couples, worst for singles. some of the more pushy ones used this occasion to hook up girls, but our MC was not this type, he usually avoided anything regarding valentine's day. as in one lunch-break he ate on the rooftop behind a wall, he heard to people coming out. a boy and a girl, he immediately recognized the girl as his CH friend, and the boy was some idol amongst the girls. the boy said that she being one of the best looking girl in school and potentially a third time winner of the beauty contest they should hook up. he started praising himself in front of her, but she wasn't herself, that is what he saw from the corner of his eye. as the break went on they started chatting more casually and they started joking and got absorbed into it. the MC sat there in silence he would not dare to come out. he thought that this was good he was being let go, but at the same time he felt the feeling of a tight squeeze around his chest particularly his heart, he knew that deep down inside he did not want this. as the break ended the two went down, the MC did not want to be a burden he waited for some time and went down and got scolded for being late. in the class everybody looked at him with disgust and hate, he knew very well that being anti-social means to become hated at one point.

his habit of eating lunch on the rooftop never changed, but nowadays the idol and the CH used the rooftop too without the knowledge of the MC being there. it finally became spring. the weather turned nice, the trees began to blossom and love was in the air. as luck dictated at one evening the MC was working at the fast food restaurant as his CH friend and his new boyfriend came in holding hands. the MC saw this but there was no way he could avoid it. he just finished an order and as a professional he made a gesture to the couple to come forth and to take their order. he took the order, but he was troubled by the couple like act. the boy saw this and teased him even more caressing the girl. he finally managed to pull it off but he looked like a man after a torture so he asked for a pause.

at school he avoided them at all cost but on the 10th of March when the pair disappeared from the roof he went down and then he saw them kissing down the stairs. as the door made noise the two of them looked up and became frozen for a moment. as he went down and passed them the boy asked in a threatening tone: "so you were there...."
"yes"
"since when were you listening"
"hmmm this is a good question..... i think it was since early February.. when you praised yourself in front of her. i could barely contain my laughter. how you went all out to be the macho man. you really though that could win someone....."
Slap......The ch friend slapped him on the face with full force. as he turned his face back saw her expression full of anger and doubt. he then mumbled an apology and went on. just for a moment she caught the glimpse of a teardrop rolling down the MC's face, before he wiped it off.
the idol guy started to comment on the situation but the girl said that this was a mistake.. she should have been more firm, about this situation.

as there were some witnesses to this incident .they thought that the ex was making a scene but the ones in the same class as them knew the whole story. as the classes came to an end the MC was stopped by a girl before he left. he looked at the girl. it was the blond one who was embarrassed when they tried to bully him. she looked at him with affectionate eyes, that of comfort and he just told this: "please move aside...you don't want to get involved with a person like me." as he gently tried to push his way through the girl hugged her from behind. this was a sensation that was so familiar with him. he felt this when his mother hugged him lovingly. he could not say anything and suddenly the rest of the girls squad that formerly bullied him gave a group hug. he stood there without a word and when it was over he said in a tattered voice: "thank you very much... you are all kind... keep it up like this..." he couldn't hold his tears back anymore so he ran away so no one could see him. as he got near his car he burst out kneeling down and looking up at the bright blue sky....... and then a roar ravaged through the schoolyard......it was like a roar of agony...only those who knew the voice and understood it's meaning shook a little, the rest just laughed it off.

the next day the MC came in with the usual depressed face but as soon as he sat down at his desk the Blondie came to sit right next to him and started saying funny stories. Soon after the other girls followed too and the small gang began to resound of laughter. this mood also gave the MC a small smile, but this was like a ray of sunshine in a dark everlasting storm.

To be continued...

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by csuree

well as i said it i am gloomy almost 100% of the time, but i give off always the atmoshphere that nothing had happened. in fact...

People will pick up on a gloomy demeanor, and many find it off-putting. More importantly, if you view yourself as someone who is gloomy, or if that's how you're actively feeling, that influences your interactions with others. You'll be less likely to engage others and keep them engaged.

Understand that this extends beyond putting on a show. You can trick others into thinking that you're a happy, confident guy, but you can't trick yourself. If you don't really have those traits, your behaviors and actions will reflect that. The good news is that you're not destined to be that way for the rest of your life. You are the way that you are because of your circumstances, but you can change yourself. As I said before, it's not a fast process.

Originally Posted by csuree

the thing is that all started in grade school i think.....
...
i wonder how i got through this living hell without killing myself.this left me with this enormous emotional "scar", i wasn't happy in school, i wasn't happy at home. the only place were i felt good was in between, when commuting or when i spent some days at granny's place.

It sounds like you've been through some challenging times. While all of those events and experiences contribute to shaping who you are, they don't define the person that you will be for the rest of your life. The good news is that your experiences are not totally unique: many people (including many of us here, I would imagine) had a hard time fitting in with our peers when we were younger, and many people (sadly, also including some of us here) have endured some form of abuse from people who were close to them. You can never erase those things, but you can move forward and away from them.

In light of your past, one thing that I might suggest would be to talk it over with someone, either a psychologist or psychiatrist. If you don't have easy access to one, you may be able to get a similar benefit by writing your thoughts in a journal. Write about and analyze the events of your past, and about your current situation. It may help you to realize some things, or to put some issues to rest. Again, the goal is to accept the things that happened, and move forward with your life.

Originally Posted by csuree

all these things made me the way i am. i should have had the courage to fight back every time i was oppressed by anyone, and then i would have been a more winner type.

People with a winning attitude aren't winners because they always fought back. They're winners because they believed in themselves even in the face of opposition, and they didn't allow others to dissuade them from their goals and dreams.

Originally Posted by csuree

i just wish for happiness....no money, no career, just true emotional happiness.

Happiness is a state of mind. You don't seem to have a very high opinion of yourself; are you perhaps thinking deep down that you're worthless and undeserving of happiness?

I briefly read over your story. One thing that I found interesting: you didn't name any of the characters.

[csuree]

yeah you are right in many places there i understand your point in the matter.
happiness is indeed a state of mind but how can i make myself happy when every step i take reminds me of my past. should i move away from this country or is there another method to overcome this.

about the shrink. i don't find it appealing to go to one,even though i think it would help but given that my salary barely makes it to my next payday, this is almost dropped. thoguh i might try it in the not too distant future. (if until october i will not change..i definitely seek out pro help)

about my experiences i like to think that every man/woman is like a precious gem. our life shapes us to a jewel. but if the "shaping tools" are bad then even the diamond will be worthless. i think of myself as one failed gem at the moment, but i am also afraid that repairing these defects will cause me to lose some big chunks, and this will change me into a very different person.
my honest thoughts about this are that i am scared of the way i am now, i would want to only be more sociable more outgoing, i don't want to give up anything that defines me right now. (or maybe the way i am right now is the failed thing. i really don'know)
i don't want to self-analyze myself... i've done it a countless times and that only brings me down.

about the naming of the characters....i read somewhere that the names are very important in the story they should reflect the person's heart, and it is best to do some research in naming books, sites where the origin and the meaning of the name are written so i would not give a happy character a name that implies cruelty or insecurity, so until i have the main story-line thought out i will not give names yet,

overcoming emotional and psychological problems are very hard, i will try my best and if all else fails i will resort to professional help,

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by csuree

happiness is indeed a state of mind but how can i make myself happy when every step i take reminds me of my past. should i move away from this country or is there another method to overcome this.

Changing up your life can help, but as cliche as it may sound, running away generally isn't very effective when dealing with issues rooted in your psychology. Confronting them, working around them, and coming to accept them is best. These are things that may stay with you for your entire life and that there will be no true "cure" for, but that doesn't mean that you're stuck as you are. You can't change the past, but you can still change yourself, be successful, and be happy.

Because this has the potential to get into personal issues, I won't go much farther with advice or analysis. Just remember that these are issues that take time to resolve. Whether you seek professional help or whether you take the path of self-analysis, bear in mind that it can take months to years to overcome what's troubling you, but you can do it.

It is very much worthwhile to do. Aside from contributing to your own self-happiness, this is critical to deal with before entering a relationship. Advice was given to me that in order for a relationship to be successful, both members of the relationship should be capable of standing on their own, and I believe that. Once you're in a relationship both members will grow to utilize the others' strengths while covering for their weaknesses, but if you bring too many unresolved issues or weaknesses into the relationship with you, you risk utilizing the relationship as a crutch. The issues can cause additional stress to the relationship. This isn't to say that you need to be perfect before you should enter a relationship, but you should strive to be the best that you can be. A significant other has the potential to help you overcome your problems, but they also have the potential to make them much worse (and the same goes for you to their issues).

[LeoXiao]

yeah you are right in many places there i understand your point in the matter.
happiness is indeed a state of mind but how can i make myself happy when every step i take reminds me of my past. should i move away from this country or is there another method to overcome this.

Don't focus on the bad things of the past. Think about when you were happy and remember that instead. Those past misfortunes are enemies that you don't need to know anything about; just crush them by improving yourself and your actions.

[GN0010 Nosferatu]

Doesn't it suck when you have persistent dreams about your ex boyfriends/girlfriends?

My first love did me in a few years ago. It doesn't hurt much these days, but on the days I dream of her, man...I got a little rain cloud following me around. -_-

[DonQuigleone]

I don't think they ever really go away...

[HasuMasu]

^ I know that feel, bro.

[MUAHAHAHAHAHA]

Originally Posted by csuree

happiness is indeed a state of mind but how can i make myself happy when every step i take reminds me of my past. should i move away from this country or is there another method to overcome this.

Most, if not all have tainted past. Live through that period, do not live IN it. It won't do you any good. Embrace the past, make it part of you. Do not escape from it. It is through our tainted past that we discover more about the world and also ourselves. Do not be your own judge and punish yourself. Yes, you may have made a mistake or have an unpleasant past but must you spend the rest of your life atoning for it?

Originally Posted by csuree

anyway this way of thinking isn't getting me anywhere....i'm a total loser and i will always be.. i sometimes give off a puff of smoke called confidence but this goes away at the first breeze.....

Unless you possess some form of powers or the ability to tell the future, you cannot dictate what the rest of your life would be. You can't change unless you get past this negative view of yourself. You expect friends and women to come running to you when you don't even love yourself. You must love yourself first before allowing yourself to be loved by others. Accept the beautiful and the ugly side of you. I have struggled with this problem myself. I didn't have a very good opinion of myself, but I have started to change slowly. I am still learning to embrace my "whole" self, not the self that I present to the public. You give off a puff of smoke called confidence because that's not who you really are. You are afraid of appearing less than what society expects from you.

Originally Posted by csuree

about my experiences i like to think that every man/woman is like a precious gem. our life shapes us to a jewel. but if the "shaping tools" are bad then even the diamond will be worthless. i think of myself as one failed gem at the moment, but i am also afraid that repairing these defects will cause me to lose some big chunks, and this will change me into a very different person.

My dear fellow, your own analogy pretty much does the explanation for you. However rough the gem is, it's still a gem. There is still something precious about it. I can honestly assure you that there are no perfect gems in this world. We all started out as rough gems, then we slowly shape up to become an almost perfect gem through trials and tribulations. The point is, no humans are completely worthless. My idea of a useful being is this: a heart. As long as you are breathing, it is not the end yet. Your life is still running.

Originally Posted by csuree

my honest thoughts about this are that i am scared of the way i am now, i would want to only be more sociable more outgoing, i don't want to give up anything that defines me right now. (or maybe the way i am right now is the failed thing. i really don'know)

I don't know about others, but to me, sociable means making friends and interacting with them in a positive manner. No one is asking you to go to endless partying or change your image into a playboy. You need not have to change a thing. Just go out, talk to ppl, discover more about them and also allow them to discover more about you. I know what you are trying to say. You are afraid that you might have to change to suit what your friends would like you to be. Sharing from my own experience, such friends are useless. Being sociable and friendly are good, but there need to be a line drawn. You cannot please everyone. Just be yourself, and if through the experience of interacting you think you would like to change something about yourself, then fine. But do not be pressured into it.

Originally Posted by csuree

i don't want to self-analyze myself... i've done it a countless times and that only brings me down.

Reflection is good, but never ever do it in an excessive manner. Particularly for someone as sensitive as you, if you think too much, you are going to end up being too emotional, to the point it's hard for you to "know" yourself. Try eliciting opinion from your parents or peers. Jot down what you think about yourself, then do the same after asking your parents or peers. You would be surprised that there is a "hidden" gem in you. Very often, we humans may be so harsh on ourselves that we forget we could sometimes be beautiful.

Originally Posted by csuree

my humblest apologies, i just don't have the will to fight for my happiness i'm giving up. all these years i fought, i clung to something that was not there... not even for a second....i ran i ran i ran after it countless times but never reached it...

To me, that's life. Life is all about running. We run as hard as we could, and the last breath that we take is the end of the marathon. To achieve anything, we need to chase after it relentlessly. Run, run, run, run.............All these years you run and you haven't achieved anything? Okay, take a 5 minute break and then continue running. But never take an eternal break before your time is truly up. Allow yourself to cry, whine, shout, curse,etc etc, but do not make it into a permanent habit.

One last word of advice. Having read through majority of your posts, I have come to notice that you think too much. Look at life as it is, you musn't delve too deep into it. Do that, and you will face a myriad of intricate and complex issues involving the human nature and human society.

[ChainLegacy]

Originally Posted by csuree

~edit: i just saw that under my age i am red.. i got negative reputation... very nice...the good guy gone bad... i deserve it~


well as i said it i am gloomy almost 100% of the time, but i give off always the atmoshphere that nothing had happened. in fact...

Believing you deserve bad things is part of your problem. You can't on the one hand believe you deserve bad things and wish for good things. Well, I suppose you could do that, but good things never come to people like that. You have to make things happen for yourself in life. I had terrible anxiety problems as a child and was brought to a psychiatrist, they tried medication, etc. None of that worked.

What did work was getting out there and realizing I was good at things, I excelled at a particular sport in high school which led me to all kinds of current hobbies and ideas that I occupy my time with. You can't think you're bad, and even though it sounds a bit arrogant, it certainly helps me to think I'm "one of the best." Every good person out there deserve to have that kind of confidence, regardless of the reality.

Finding your talents and working at them can be a great way to prove to yourself that you have inner potential; that you can change and improve yourself - shape the 'clay' that is your body and mind into its most elegant form. That has been my goal for several years and it is the most effective way to stave off feelings of self-pity. You don't have time to kick yourself when you're driven towards a lofty goal. Weightlifting was the first thing that did it for me; I found I kept getting better at it so long as I ate healthy foods and put in the time and effort. It can be anything, though - nowadays I derive personal pride from other pursuits (rock climbing, bass guitar, promoting my websites)... Having some pride in yourself, or at least having the pride to push yourself towards believing you can accomplish things is critical... don't forget it.

Another thing is, no matter what I or anyone else tells you, you have to be the one that accepts and makes a conscious change to alter your mentality. As I'm sure all of us know, reading or listening to someone else's advice and agreeing with them, is a much different thing than actually incorporating new principles into your life. One technique to remember is that of 'meta-cognition' - we, as humans, are the only animals on Earth that are self-aware. Use this to your advantage. Feeling blue, unconfident, etc? You can always push back, purposefully, against such thoughts. I know that for me it is almost like an internal dialogue - doubts, weak feelings (as I call them), inevitably creep in sometimes (though the frequency lessens the more confident one becomes, of course!), but I purposefully create an internal 'voice' that proclaims them to be nonsense. Maybe I'm just a weirdo with the internal dialogue bit, but I know meta-cognition is an extremely powerful psychological tool. Use it. Don't let those thoughts of weakness win (judging by your posts, you analyze your miseries quite a bit. Trust me, I was once the same way, as an anxious person, but you can't even spend a speck of your time on negative thoughts. You accomplish nothing and instead reinforce all the bad crap that has you in the predicament to begin with.) Push them away, and drive yourself towards greatness in whatever pursuits your derive fulfillment from.

PS. Also, if you eat a lot of junk food, that may also contribute to your problems. Some people can be perfectly happy eating crap and still enjoy life, but I'm not one of them. I didn't truly clear up my depressive tendencies until I discovered paleolithic nutrition and cut all artificial food out of my diet, as well as monitor the proper amount of trace minerals, omega-3's, gut flora, etc... The body is a machine and the brain is a big cog in that machine; feed it high quality fuel or it will not work properly...

[csuree]

yeah , well hello again, i'm back

after a week of so called shutting out the bad thing in my life, i returned a little bit refreshed.
i read through the posts and found out that indeed i might think a bit too much, the problem also is that i think fast too, and this aggravates the situation because i think very much in a very little timespace, i observed it many times already and because of my nerdy thinking self i found some addictions that relax me and take my mind of the everyday problems, i love cars driving, anime, manga, light novels, science(but that is also thinking games,

but it came down to this....in april-may i found myself glued to my addictions, and they took out almost 80% of my free-time. i said enough! i was playing WOW like it is for my life so i deleted it from my computer. i don't say anime manga and now i play visual novels, are better either but they at least these have a message, they can teach you, not like that stupid idotic game where you kill the other-one and you gain nothing in real life.

i read through all your replies and thank you for the advice i will try to incorporate as many as i can in my life, i might go try out some sports,; about eating.. i don't quite have the money to eat junk-food i try to save money by cooking for myself at home. it is generally something simple but it also relaxes me,
as i deduced from all your messages the best thing to do would be to somehow shut myself out of my head, not to think of me too much and in return to concentrate all that effort into something that is more constructive and i can also benefit from it.

it may not sound much but, Thank you,
i never really knew that people can care for one another even if they did not meet in real life, truly, this is like a small little society, i also have the courage to call it a family, that helps its members to grow, to overcome their problem and i think this was a good decision......i mean that 8 years ago i became hooked to anime :P, if i didn't i would not have ended up here.
i will say this if you ever come to visit Oradea or somewhere near feel free to contact me, and we might go out having a beer, a good talk, i know some good places.

Anyhow starting this month, this little hatchling takes the leap in the air and even if i fall to the ground i will get up and eventually soar higher than any mountain :P
bad memories are just like extra kilograms on a sports car, you need to get them out, in order to win the race.

i will keep you posted, and we might also chat.
and even though i did not have a girl YET, i will give advice, cuz help does not matter where it is coming from, if it is from the bottom of the heart.

take care everyone, i will go cook my evening meal :P

back in a few hours <wave>

[NorthernFallout]

In itself, by "becoming something else" you are moving on. Time heals, etc., as cliché as it sounds. Channel those emotions into something and shape it. Not sure how old you are, but you sound young. It'll pass.

While your situation wasn't exactly the same as mine, if anything it was in reverse and somewhat worse, I would recommend trying to occupy your mind with something else. If you don't exercise, do that. Oddly, that's what I started doing and it actually helped. Otherwise, whatever hobbies you might have. And do remember it's a big world out there. Again, it hurts now, but it'll stop in time.

[MUAHAHAHAHAHA]

Originally Posted by Hasumi

I tried to put up a brave face for AS and shrug the whole thing off as no big deal but it's slowly been filling me day by day. Recently I decided not to fight it

Perhaps if you decide to confront your lingering feelings for her, you can move on sooner. Speaking from experience, it took me a few years to heal from a guy whom I secretly liked. I always push the thoughts of him to the back of my mind, but it was slowly killing me. I confided in a number of people, telling them of my feelings. As a final step, I sent a letter detailing him of my struggles. His reply was very kind and understanding.

I still remember him now, I haven't completely forgotten about him. I suppose you can never forget about your crush completely. They will be part of us now and forever.

Edit: If you can make magic happen, then that's great for you.

[MUAHAHAHAHAHA]

Originally Posted by Hasumi

I'll move on, but only after I know for a fact that I can't make any magic happen...at that point I have to give up being 'Batman'.

Yup, once you have done everything in your power and the outcome is still not what you wish for, you can try to move on without regret.

[Tigress]

Update on my situation. I am not upset about this. I am quite contented. ^.^

So all in all it didn't work out. But I do believe that it has worked out far better than if I had said no in the first place. The kissing and cuddling stuff was all aok but anytime it got a little further than that we would both just start giggling. It was too awkward and we agreed to put it down to an experience and go back to how we were as friends and he said he is glad we did try it.

I have not lost a friend at all. It's a relief really and tbh I decided to give it a go since I would probably regret not giving him a chance. He thought that since we got on so well and he also found me physically attractive that it would be enough. It is my opinion that we may get along TOO well. We are more like family than someone that could be lovers.

I would have hated it to have come between us. Had we become lovers and then split, it would have been much rather to return to friend status. That is why we took it slowly since there was far to much to loose.

We have talked and we have laughed about it all. End of a chapter. ^.^

[NorthernFallout]

Good thing you remained friends, from what I've heard that's quite rare after something like that. A good experience to walk way from, as you say. Good thing it ended well for both of you as well.