Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[Tk3997]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

I live to serve.

You know, that's got to be the most common grammatical error I've seen recently, but oddly enough I've only really noticed it existing over the past couple of years. I'd seen fics which were riddled with mistakes in past years, but never did that one.

Specifically, I'm speaking of the following construction:

"That's right." Said Nanoha to Fate.

It's the combination of a period rather than a comma inside the quotation mark, and a capital letter for the sentence fragment detailing who was taking the action. I'm wondering if it might be because more and more word processors autocorrect the first lowercase letter after a period into a capital letter? In this way, the writer makes one mistake (using the period rather than the comma) and the software chains a second mistake off of it.

I think most people just don't give a damn frankly.

It probably does have to do with word processors, but I think how things are written online matters as well since lines of dialogue are more or less universally spaced apart online you get stuff like

Spoiler for right:

“Agreed,” said Random Guy gruffly.

This I think to allot of people looks sort of strange. This is likely because quotes are often whole sentences that are self contained and so when they see like one word with a comma just hanging off it, it looks odd. In theory what’s happened is that the sentence is basically “Agreed, said the random guy gruffly” with the quotation marks merely showing what part of it was spoken, but there is a tendency in people’s minds to consider them entirely separate objects. So you end up in...

Spoiler for wrong:

“Agreed.” Said Random Guy gruffly.

The capitalization then follows on because people say “Oh a period Capital time!” (The fact such lines are often followed by a name which IS capitalized only adds to it, and shows how completely arbitrary these rules really are)

That said I’m not sure it really matters frankly while one is correct and the other not the difference when actually read is… pretty much nonexistent. The fact is that a quote is more or less already always followed by a brief pause anyway. People don’t ramble right into and right out of a quote with no transition at all when speaking so in practice the period or comma makes no real difference. The capitalization is more or less a style thing as well it’s not like it really changes the meaning of what’s being said. Plus with the quotation marks often containing a fully developed sentence just before it, it actually looks rather natural.

So to me this is sort of one of those “incorrect, but completely irrelevant to actually understanding what’s written” type errors. Yeah it’s not right from a technical perspective, but the fact is it really has almost no effect whatsoever on the readability of the piece (IMO). I suppose it might bother someone who is really a stickler for grammar, but I frankly almost never even notice it.

Too me such nitpicking is really more trouble then it’s worth and feed back on characterization, plot, and perhaps style (subjective as all that is) is often much more useful for a writer. In many cases the fact is a writer knows about the issue, but it’s not something so easily and quickly fixed as with many bad habits.

Not that you where all harping on it like total grammar nazi's, but I've seen it happen where someone will just tear into a story or argument harping on minor grammatical details to the exclusion of any remarks on it's actual content, or will just keep bringing up some tick constantly even after a writer says, "I know I'm trying to work on it." That's just my take anyway based on my own nowhere near perfect grammar knowledge.

[TheShinySword]

The problem is if a writer isn't made aware of a constant problem the writing suffers for it. I, for one, have trouble reading pieces with constant mistakes. Nitpicking is bad but it hurts the writer if repeated mistakes aren't pointed out.

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

The problem is if a writer isn't made aware of a constant problem the writing suffers for it. I, for one, have trouble reading pieces with constant mistakes. Nitpicking is bad but it hurts the writer if repeated mistakes aren't pointed out.

What Shiny said is completely true. If the people here didn't correct me in my "was" and "were", then I would never make an effort to fix it. Granted, it took a few fics before I weeded it out but I think I have it down now ( but I still slip sometimes >.< ).

But a lot of English rules are just plain weird:

"I before E, except after C"

Science
Neighbor
Weigh
Weird
Their
Theiler

It is hard to really understand sometimes, 'specially when writing fics. I do recall making the previously mentioned error many times, the one about ending a quote with a period and starting next word Capped.....

[Nijiru]

Remember, English is the bastard child of human language.

[TheShinySword]

Hey now, no dissing the English language, it's an incredibly versatile language with an amazing range of words, and it's not nearly as hard as everyone wants it to be.

[MeisterBabylon]

How else did you think I get by with my lousy language power? I can barely speak English properly, let alone manage other languages!

And then there's linguistic monsters like Anita and her mastery of 7 (2 Asian + 5 European). >_>

[Satashi]

English is hard because it's so easy. There are so man exceptions to the rules, and all sorts of dialects are integrated into the mother language, you can basically not speak a lick of English and speak it fluently.

Example:
"The hat is red"
"The red hat"
the adj describing the noun can come before or after it.

You can basically throw words together and it'll generally make sense. Because of the dialects that often "dumb down" (I'm sorry, they DO!) the language, even mispronouncing things is accepted as correct.

To sum up this post, English is a horrible, horrible language that took little parts of everything and made it all into one language. And that's the truth, America is the "melting pot" afterall.

But anyway, relating this to writing, because of all this, writing is kind of simple but difficult at same time. For example, "you was" is accepted here and isn't counted off on grammar tests I took. Why? Because that's how people where I grew up talked. Same with " 'cha " and " 'ya " being an abreviation of "are you" (What'cha doing? Where'ya going?) were accepted as being correct because of our dialect.

but when I wrote, I quickly found out that not everyone likes it. I understand all languages have that problem, but still...

I also kind of wish that English had better ways of expressing things. Some way to connect it so everyone can understand.... Like the Japanese honorifics. Just by the way you address people in Japan really reflects how you feel about them. Calling them by last name, adding -san, or -kun, or whatever and then dropping it to call them by their normal name... America just doesn't do that really, and it can't translate to the degree of character development on paper that I would like to see.

On another note, I still think that at least 40-60% of posters here don't have English as their main language (well that probably changed since we have many newcomers and a lot of older ones don't show up much anymore...), but everyone speaks English really well. I'm impressed by that.

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by Satashi

English is hard because it's so easy. There are so man exceptions to the rules, and all sorts of dialects are integrated into the mother language, you can basically not speak a lick of English and speak it fluently.

Example:
"The hat is red"
"The red hat"
the adj describing the noun can come before or after it.

Actually there is A HUGE difference between those two and I've mentioned it before (because you've used this example before). In one it is important that the hat is red. In the second the redness of the hat may or may not be relevant. The little things matter a lot in writing.

You can basically throw words together and it'll generally make sense. Because of the dialects that often "dumb down" (I'm sorry, they DO!) the language, even mispronouncing things is accepted as correct.

But that has nothing to with writing and everything to do with speaking where grammar has little to no relevance. D: Also it is far easier to read a language then it is to speak one precisely because of dialects.

To sum up this post, English is a horrible, horrible language that took little parts of everything and made it all into one language. And that's the truth, America is the "melting pot" afterall.

No it's an awesome AWESOME language that took bits of pretty good languages and made them better. (It has so many words that we need another book just to list the synonyms for words!)

But anyway, relating this to writing, because of all this, writing is kind of simple but difficult at same time. For example, "you was" is accepted here and isn't counted off on grammar tests I took. Why? Because that's how people where I grew up talked. Same with " 'cha " and " 'ya " being an abreviation of "are you" (What'cha doing? Where'ya going?) were accepted as being correct because of our dialect.


but when I wrote, I quickly found out that not everyone likes it. I understand all languages have that problem, but still...

They don't like it because it is wrong. Your schooling did you such a disservice by not correcting that, in fact I'm horrified and appalled by that fact. There is a humongous reason WE DON'T WRITE AS WE TALK.

That is why grammar is important! Your schooling did you a huuuuuge injury by not correcting you. Grammar is what links the thousand dialects together. Without grammar no one would be able to read what anyone else wrote because everyone has distinct verbal characteristics. Writing should be universal to anyone who can read the language. (the only exceptions being 1st person and dialog and even then it should be toned down and fit the character.

I also kind of wish that English had better ways of expressing things. Some way to connect it so everyone can understand.... Like the Japanese honorifics. Just by the way you address people in Japan really reflects how you feel about them. Calling them by last name, adding -san, or -kun, or whatever and then dropping it to call them by their normal name... America just doesn't do that really, and it can't translate to the degree of character development on paper that I would like to see.

I used to think that way... until I realized that while an interesting unique cultural thing it isn't necessary for someone like me, who can't possibly actually understand how it all works, to use it to get similar effects. There are still a thousand different ways to call a person differently in English (your first name, your last name, your full name, a nickname, your first name that you don't like because you use a nickname (story of my life right there), your name with a y added on because that makes it easier to say, Mr, Mrs, Ms, Master, Mistress, Boss, Sir, Ma'am, Madam and of course, hey you.)

On another note, I still think that at least 40-60% of posters here don't have English as their main language (well that probably changed since we have many newcomers and a lot of older ones don't show up much anymore...), but everyone speaks English really well. I'm impressed by that.

Well everyone writes really well at least. But that doesn't change the fact that it's really cool

[Oseng]

Well I finally finished putting together chapter one of my fanfiction, which is actually my first one. I do not have a name for it yet though. I hope Admiral Tigerclaw doesn't mind that I added a little allusion/shout out to his fic.

Anyway here is the story. Constructive criticism would be very welcome.

Spoiler for Chapter One:

TSAB Frigate Daring, Conference Room

Katie let out a tired groan and took a massive gulp out of her coffee mug, draining the nearly full container to the dregs in one sallow. About the only thing keeping her from falling asleep was the sheer amount of caffeine she had running through her from the cups of navy style coffee she had been drinking. And she was the best off of her little team, James was asleep in his chair further down the table and Maiko kept dozing off.

Whatever had caused the emergency dispatch orders they had received it had to be something fairly major. They had just gotten back from a long mission and none of them had gotten a chance to get more then a couple of hours of sleep. It was especially strange as they had all been ordered to take a couple of days leave by their supervisor.

Her thoughts were cut off as the room's door suddenly swung open to revel her team's supervisor, Enforcer Supervisor Crown. The senior Enforcer made his way to a seat near the head of the table, quite obviously nearly as tired as the others. Supervisor Crown was the director of the entire Hellhound Enforcer Division and was not a field agent, at least not since the incident. As a rule he stayed back on Midchilda and directed his teams, of which James and her were only one. Maiko was not technically part of her team, being part of the division's forensic unit, but she often deployed with them. They had been expecting a briefing by com link or something similar.

“I apologize for the late-night emergency orders but we have a situation on our hands.” Crown said as Maiko woke up James up. “The brass want an Enforcer team on it as of yesterday, and since our division specializes in sensitize cases we were called upon.”

He brought a holographic window up over the middle of the conference room table, displaying what looked to be a fairly standard M-class planet, before handing hard copy files out to the two Enforcers and the Forensic Specialist.

“This is Administrated World #110, better known to inhabitants as Utrim. It is an M-Class world with a population of just over five billion people.” The Supervisor said quietly, barely hiding a yawn as he nodded at the holographic screen. “There has been a string of kidnappings over the last several months and the planetary police have called us in for assistance, the details of the cases in question are in the files I gave you.”

A second holographic screen popped up next to the first and began to display many of the statistics listed in the hard copies the Enforcers were looking at.

“Over the last four months there have been twenty one kidnaps linked to this case, occurring in locations all over the planet. We've also got two murder cases on our plate, both victims were relatives taking care of one of the kidnapped victims.” Crown continued with the briefing. “Eighteen of the kidnap victims were in the fourth and fifth grades of elementary school, three were in their first year of junior high, and two were in their second year of junior high.”

James shook his head with a grim frown as he saw the ages of the victims, a certain cold anger showing in his eyes. Their jobs forced them to deal with the darkest sides of humanity and over the years they had become jaded, but even so cases involving children still got to them.

“It took a while for the local city watches and the Utrim Federal Enforcement Agency to link the cases together and realize they were connected.” Crown said with a small sigh. “At first glance none of the cases really seemed to be connected with any of the others. But things started falling into place as the physical evidence their forensic techs gathered was processed. Beyond the physical evidence the main link between these cases is that all of the victims had above average potential for magic.”

Katie's expression turned thoughtful as she flipped through her slightly dog-eared notebook, considering the information they were being given.

“It probably would not be all that difficult for someone to find out their magic potential, if they knew the right places to look.” She said after a moment, a slight frown crossing her lips. “School documents, especially if they attend someplace with more then the basic legally required curriculum and magic training. Medical records, kids bragging, a mage scanning them, there are multiple ways that the perpetrator could have gotten their hands on the info.”

Supervisor Crown nodded in agreement and turned slightly to face Maiko who had raised a finger in the air as she thought of something.

“You mentioned that all of the victims had above average linker cores and potential sir. About how powerful or above average are we talking about?” She asked, a stylus poised above her small but powerful palmtop computer.

“Above average.” Crown said with a shrug. “None of them were likely to reach S rank like the White Devil or Senior Enforcer Harlaown, but they were still decidedly above the baseline average. Most of them would probably have made A+ or AA rank, with a couple making it to AAA. The exact numbers and readouts for most of the victims are buried somewhere in the files I handed out.”

His three subordinates looked at each other then at the thick almost book sized file folders he had handed them, then they looked back at each other again. They had skimmed through them but they had not read through them in depth yet, that would have to wait until after the briefing was finished.

“The next and most recent development would have brought us Enforcers in even if we had not been asked for assistance.” Crown said quietly. “The Kyrian City Watch and agents of the UFEA managed to catch what they believed was the perpetrator while he was trying to escape with his twenty fourth kidnap victim. His data matched with the physical evidence gathered from the other crime scenes.”

The image of Utrim on the holographic screen blinked out to be replaced with what appeared to be a standard TSAB Armed Force personnel file.

“That supposed perpetrator was Private First Class Anthony Astre of the TSA Ground Forces. He is a C+ rank ground combat mage who uses the standard Midchildan style.” Crown said grimly. “He enlisted about five years ago and was transferred to a GF base on Utrim just over six months ago. According to his personnel records his previous assignment was as part of the security garrison at a testing facility on Midchilda under the command of a General Roland. I sent Enforcer Aeros to see if he can find anything out on that end.”

Katie raised an eyebrow at the way her supervisor had phrased his sentence. He had not said that they caught the perpetrator, just that the planetary agencies had caught who they believed was the traitor.

“Private Astre was so wrapped up in compulsion spells that it is going to take years of hard work and therapy to remove them all. Regretfully there is also a geis with a taboo against speaking to anyone about the case or related manners wrapped up in the compulsions as well. ” Supervisor Crown said grimly, his lips compressing into a thin line as a dark look came over his face. “Base security should have detected the compulsions but somehow he managed to slip through. Part of the reason that I am coming along is to conduct an inspection of General Saleen's security measures and to carry out an official IA investigation into how security missed the compulsions.”

He sighed and glanced around the sparsely decorated conference room, meeting each of his subordinates' eyes before he shut down the holographic screens. Taking a large sallow out of a mug of black naval coffee he leaned back in his chair slightly, the grim look never leaving his face.

“As usual the media have been .... glossing over the compulsions and a few other things. We are facing a rising anti-TSA backlash from the public, well at least an anti-armed forces backlash.” The Enforcer Supervisor continued. “Unfortunately this is not the first time that there have been problems between the soldiers and the locals. General Saleen, the commander of all GF forces on Utrim, was actually assigned to clean things up two years ago in the wake of a nasty and well publicized rape incident.”

The commander of the Hell Hound Enforcer Division stood and nodded at his three subordinates.

“Your job is locate the kidnapped children and to discover who is behind all of this.” Crown said firmly. “It will take us about a day and a half to reach our destination, so I suggest you get some sleep then read over the case files. We are going to need to hit the ground running when we reach Utrim.”

The other three nodded and stood, James and Katie bracing to attention before gathering up the files they had been handed. Supervisor Crown might be fairly laid back when it came to military courtesies, at least in private with friends like these three, but the Enforcers were still a gendarmerie and a military organization.

[RadiantBeam]

Didn't we discuss this pages ago?

[Satashi]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Didn't we discuss this pages ago?

we did :3 I even used the same example, as shiny pointed out hehe ^^;

on that note....um....

Have a mental image of Fate singing a lullaby to Vivio :3

[Rika23onROOF]

I think everyone here really is good in English, except me.
Although English is not my main language, I've enjoy writing stories very much.
But compare to everyone here my English is bad(Grammar & spelling).
Even if I knew that, I just like to write stories to express myself. If I'm in a bad mood, I'll write angst and drama story. If I'm happy, there be lots of fluffy romance.

So when I write something, I'll apologize in advance for the bad English.

*BOW DOWN* *TURN* (=/////=) *RUN AWAY*

[Tempy]

It amuses me that people always apologize for their English, regardless of how good or bad it is. One's grasp of the language actually varies quite a bit in here, but I suppose everyone can stand for some improvement.

Though Rika's behavior reminds me of this this.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Have a mental image of Fate singing a lullaby to Vivio :3

Thank you very much. :3

[Alavon]

I was bored and decided to write a short fic but I found the first chapter of a series I began half a year ago and I decided to continue it. So here you go.

Spoiler for Please, Arrest Me!:

The long lecture was all to-well damn known for me to be here but what other choice do I have? My father, who was the Head Police Chief of the New York City Police Department, is always a lot stricter with me than with anyone else. The slightest mistake, no matter how minuscule it appeared, I would be given a full-out crash course of Hell 101. So what if I blew up half a block of Time Square during the Thanksgiving day Parade while chasing a drug thief and making the man loose a hand?! It was his own damn fault for having hazardous materials in his trunk in the first place!

Please, Arrest Me!

By:
Alavon

Chapter I:
Change of Job

---

My name is Subaru Nakajima and I'm a detective for the New York City Police Department...or at least I was an hour ago. I was suspended from my post until further notice for a particular incident that I don't even want to think about at the moment. The young women walked up a flight of stairs, rummaging in her gym bag for her apartment keys, a bag of cinnabons hanging from a mouth. I'm only 22 years old but I'm not your average ex-detective. After finding out her keys, she placed it in the lock and after turning it, pushed the door open. For as long as I can remember, I was brought up in a semi-military life. I went to many community clubs that associates itself with the police, one of them being the Police Explorers program.

Subaru dumped her bag on the floor of her loft, not caring about it at all and headed towards the bathroom. When I was young, my mother, who was also a police detective, died during an investigation, and after that event, I began to seriously consider joining the police force and not because my father told me so. I wanted to continue in her footsteps and find the culprit who took my mother from me. She turned the faucet of the bathroom on and splashed some cold water to her face, enjoying the icy stings. After graduating from the Police Academy with high marks, I was immediately offered a job at the New York City Police Department. Unfortunately, after 4 years, my lack of patience might have finally cost me my job. After wiping off the water from her face, she looked up at the medicine cabinet's mirror.

She looked like crap.

Strands of purple-bluish hair was sticking on her forehead with more strands of her sticking out in all sort of odd places and it didn't help at all that her hair was shoulder-length.

Subaru sighed. What a hell of a day.

I'm usually energetic but after what happened today...well...even I would be tired. And that's saying something! Subaru turned on her automatic shower and, after adjusting the right temperature, she began to undress. Being a Police Officer is-was-oh, whatever! It was fun. I got to save a lot of people but sometimes I can't help but think that I need to do more. She checked to make sure that the water's temperature was what she wanted it to be one last time and when she was happy with it, Subaru slipped in, a long content sigh escaping from her lips. The trails of water seemed to put her in a relaxing state, enjoying the slight spray of water that was swirling around her.
I have an older sister named Ginga. She's only three years older than me but we get along just fine. When our mother died, she took it upon herself to take her place. She even look like her! But I think mother's death was a lot harder on her than it was on me; after all, Ginga knew mom a lot more than me. I was a daddy's girl. After she was done showering, Subaru grabbed a towel and placed it around herself but not on her head; she enjoyed leaving her hair damp because of the sudden coolness she feels after getting out of the shower. Leaving the bathroom, Subaru headed towards her bedroom that was at the end of the hallway.

Remember when I said that when my mother died I wanted to follow in her footsteps? Well, I was always complementing on whether I should join early or later on but an event would ultimately decide my fate. After wiping herself dry, she took out some night clothes from her closet and began dressing herself. It was three years after my mother died and Ginga and I were suppose to meet up with dad because he had a case in Florida that was heavily related to a murder case in New York City that he was investigating. As soon as we arrived, I was suppose to meet up with Ginga when I got off my plane because we were seated in different parts of it. But their was a commotion and of course, we were separated. Suicide bombers set off their bombs and the entire Airport turned into a scene of hell. I was lost, confused and hot, not to mention afraid. Subaru plopped herself on her bed and turned on her HD TV and to her annoyance, her face was showing in every news cast as if she was the criminal. So much for her reputation. I was about to shout for help when all of the sudden, a pipe snapped off and was heading towards me! I was too terrified and shocked to even move so I stayed there, waiting for the inevitable...but it never came. Instead, I felt a someone grabbing me and and that moment, a loud CLANG was heard and I knew that I was saved. She turned off the T.V. and instead grabbed a crime book that she started months ago and began to read it. When I opened my eyes, there she was.

Nanoha Takamachi.

Spoiler for Author's Notes:

This is only part of the chapter. I'll post the rest tomorrow if anyone wants me to continue it...

[Rising Dragon]

I for one would like to see it continued.

[DKN117]

Since I’ve been told that it’s okay to post outlines and ask for help & opinions, here is what I have for a Nanoha/Negima crossover. Despite the fact that the Negima-verse’s events are the primary focus here, there is no “Negima Fanfic Discussion” forum, so this entry is going here. If you haven’t read Mahou Sensei Negima, don’t even bother reading this post.

Also, a few elements of the Naruto-verse make themselves known here. However, none of the characters show up (though there may be a passing mention much later on of a certain invincible, mask-wearing, current-and-true Big Bad of the series), and the Naruto world is not visited. The influence? Jutsu. A few Naruto-verse techniques will show up (partly thanks to the Negima-verse’s local ninja-girl Kaede), and another dark jutsu of the ‘verse will play an important point soon…

This is an outline, not a full story; I am soliciting help in ideas to flesh out the storyline. There will be parts below that are woefully undetailed, and after a certain point everything just stops altogether as I have no idea how to proceed.

For every month spent in the Negima-verse, one day passes back on Midchilda in this story; a side-effect of the below-mentioned dimensional anomaly.

Spoiler for Main Plot:

Immediately after the White Devil Training Incident (as in, right after Teana regains consciousness and before she and the other Forwards can get the talk from Signum & co.), a random warp-portal (that will not itself be plot-relevant in any other way) sucks the Nanoha-group (specifically, Nanoha, Fate, Hayate, Signum, Vita, Shamal, Zafira, Arf, Yuuno, Erio, Subaru, Teana, Caro (& Friedrich), and Reinforce Zwei) in and spits them out in the Negima-timeline’s Earth, on the morning of the first day of the Mahora Festival. Shortly after the group wanders into the campus, learning of the festival, Teana runs off and disappears, foiling any attempts to be tracked. Nanoha reluctantly orders to let her go and have some time alone to think.

Nanoha’s group meets Negi’s core group and learns about the presence of magic & mages here; the two groups swap background info on their worlds’ prospective magicks and such, new friends are made, yadda-yadda… I don’t know what to put in for the various characters’ interactions and time spent during the festival, but Nanoha & co. do find out about Negi’s Cassiopeia Watch, and figure that as long as he’s careful about not causing time paradoxes (or “OMG There’s 2+ Negis” freak-outs) it’s okay.

Skip ahead due to lack of ideas: night-time – tournament elimination/qualification. Some members of Nanoha’s group decide not to enter, instead choosing to observe, but all of those that do choose to enter qualify for the tournament. The qualifiers are: Negi, Kotaro, Kuu Fei, Asuna, Setsuna, Evangeline, Takahata, Albireo (“Sanders”), Takane, Kaede, Mana, Signum, Vita, Subaru, Fate... and Teana, who showed up out of the blue, refusing to talk to or even acknowledge the rest of her old group, acting solemn, serious, and silent. Suspicious…

Next day: the tournament. In this timeline, however, there is no restriction on projectile weapons or blades. However, all such weapons must have safety fields installed so that they cause “stun damage” (actually Nanoha-verse-style magical damage, which as we know is normally incapable of killing). Also, in this timeline, it’s the actual Albireo Imma, not a projection.

Spoiler for Tournament:

ROUND 1:
Kuu Fei vs. Takane: Kuu Fei wins, of course accidentally stripping Takane with a short-range ki blast in the process (for those who haven’t read Negima and chose to read this anyway: it’s a running gag that poor Takane gets stripped one way or another in practically every fight she ever participates in)

Subaru vs. Fate: Come on, who do you think wins here? That said, Subaru does put up a decent fight before being taken down

Negi vs. Signum: A very close and relatively intense match, with Signum eventually conceding defeat (though whether she could’ve kept going is unknown); Shamal, feeling generous, heals Negi afterward, though Signum declines an offer for the same (her stubborn pride)

Kotaro vs. Mana: A close fight, but Kotaro wins

Kaede vs. Teana: Teana reveals a surprising agility, speed, and strength (surprising because she didn’t have it when she came here a day ago and shouldn’t have been able to increase this much in this little time; hmm…), but it’s not quite enough to overcome our favorite Chuunin; after her loss, Teana disappears again

Takahata vs. Albireo: good gravy, this was an intense match! Eventually, Takahata concedes, and Al advances

Setsuna vs. Asuna: this happens exactly the same as it did in canon

Evangeline vs. Vita: Battle of the Immortal Lolis! Vita puts up quite a fight, surprising Evangeline, but Eva still manages to win (Note: in this timeline, Eva has some limited access to her magic during the tournament, as opposed to “none at all”)

ROUND 2:
Kuu Fei vs. Fate: Quite the fate, but Kuu Fei concedes to Fate

Negi vs. Kotaro: Exciting intense action GO! At the end, the two exhausted combatants walk up to each other, and Kotaro smiles, gives a thumbs-up… and keels over. Negi wins!

Kaede vs. Albireo: Quite possibly the biggest fight of the tournament, with Al slinging gravity spells and magical arrows while Kaede sends swarms of shadow clones (in this timeline Kaede’s chakra reserves are much higher than the original timeline, bordering on Kakashi’s) and other stuff (she knows Katon: Gokakyuu and even Suiton: Suiryudan) Albireo is forced to use his artifact to transform into Nagi Springfield (only physically), and things start to really heat up; things end when Nagi-Al hits Kaede with a devastating lightning attack… and it’s a Shadow Clone. Where’d she go? ‘I thought she w-’ “RASENGAN!!” The attack shatters Albireo’s transformation and sends him flying out of the ring, unable to even stand up. Kaede wins

Setsuna vs. Evangeline: At first, things go as they did in the original timeline, right down to the mindscape battle, which Nanoha’s group also eavesdrops on. However, things go south when Setsuna states that she wishes to have both her “sword” (strength) and her happiness; instead of laughing ruefully about it as she did in the original timeline, this just sets Evangeline off. The final attack is blown, and the two are knocked out of the mindscape. Setsuna launches forward, but Evangeline’s anger results in another mindscape, this one with all happenings inside it taking a split-second’s worth of time in the outside world. This time, all of Negi & Nanoha’s groups (including, formerly in the crowd and now observing the incident while cloaked, Teana) are pulled in along with Setsuna, and Evangeline is now truly angry.

Eva states that choosing both is not an option – for Setsuna or for anyone – and that it is impossible to have both true strength and true happiness; she proceeds to attack Setsuna at full force, genuinely trying to kill her. Nanoha intervenes, transforming and facing off against Eva. After a long and hectic battle, when Nanoha asks one time too many why Evangeline believes what she does, Eva completely loses it, shedding a few tears despite her best efforts while she explains (with mentally-projected images) her origins: how her innocence and happiness were irretrievably stolen from her; how after her “rebirth” she had once believed that a person could have both strength and happiness, and spent a tremendous amount of effort attaining it, only to come up short and lose both; how she’d clawed her way back to high power over hundreds of years; how she’d suffered countless abuses and misfortunes that had destroyed any optimism or faith in God she’d once had, and made her believe that only pain and isolation can lead to true strength, and that all people are destined to end up alone, and that those who would try to be both strong and happy would lose everything.

To this, Nanoha finally sees the situation for what it is, and she weeps for the lost, sad, lonely girl in front of her; this prompts a violent “don’t-you-dare-pity-me” reaction from Evangeline, and Nanoha swears that she will “save Eva-san from herself”. The battle truly kicks into high gear, with both combatants throwing around everything they have. Eventually, Evangeline decides to finish it and hit Nanoha with her ultimate spell, the strongest ice-type spell in existence: Kosmikē Katastrophē. However, when Evangeline uses the first half of the spell (Haionie Krustalle) to encase Nanoha in an absolute-zero field of ice, Nanoha casts the strongest barrier she can, protecting her from the effect. Before Eva can cast the finishing blow…

“Blaster Three! Starlight Breaker EX!!”

Evangeline is caught completely off-guard and is hit dead-on by the wave of magical energy, doing enough (magical) damage to put her down for the count, unable to even stand and completely drained of energy. When the gang approaches her, Negi gets right up to her and starts questioning and such, and eventually Evangeline completely breaks down in his arms, stating that she doesn’t care about power anymore; she just wants to be happy and cared for. Undetected in the distance, Teana leaves the mindscape, showing a hint of disgust.

When Evangeline has calmed down 20 minutes later, being tended to by Chachamaru (who listens to the following with her advanced sensors), Yuuno quietly pulls the others aside and reveals a negative development that Shamal’s scanners picked up: due to psychological stress, Evangeline’s power has now become linked inversely with her happiness; the more content with life she is, the happier she gets, the more at peace she feels, the less power she can access. At the moment, her desire to give up power for happiness has freed her from the curse binding her to the school and suppressing her power, but it has also reduced her power level to that of a low C-Rank mage. He has telepathically sent a message to Albireo Imma, giving Al access to the Infinity Library and the task to find a cure for this affliction, but hopes are grim.

The mental world fades… and back in the real world Eva is promptly knocked for a loop by Setsuna (who, despite being present for the whole mindscape battle, couldn’t call off her body’s attack in time); when Eva chooses to just lie there for the 10-count, Setsuna wins and advances to the semi-finals.

SEMI-FINALS:
Fate vs. Negi: an intensely electrifying match (see what I did there?) that leaves onlookers astonished beyond words; eventually, Fate passes out from exhaustion, winning Negi the match; Konoka uses her artifact to heal the both of them afterwards.

Kaede vs. Setsuna: another fierce match, with both combatants giving their all, but eventually Kaede wears Setsuna out.

FINALS:
Negi vs. Kaede: I honestly don’t know how to give this fight justice, but it is going to be EPIC. The judges even waive the 20-minute match rule just to see the fight through. After a match that has everyone’s jaws on the floor and pretty much destroys the ring, Negi falls down and doesn’t have the energy to get back up, falling asleep right there from exhaustion, and Kaede is declared the winner… and immediately after keels over as well.

I don’t know how to have the rest of the festival progress, or how to put out the first encounter with Chao and the ensuing eight-days-later bit or the “gathering the army” portion of the story.

During the big battle, Negi, Nanoha, & company have managed to finish off a demon and rescue a dozen mundanes and are now confronting Chao… when a storm of magical arrows comes down, knocking out all the muggles and barely being blocked by the mages and ki-users. Two figures, hidden by robes, jump down to either side of Chao, facing down the heroes. One, unmistakably Mana (the height and the voice), runs off to engage other minor forces, while the other stays at Chao’s side, squaring off against the heroes. Vita impulsively launches a shot at the figure’s head, and the figure doesn’t even try to dodge, letting it rock their head back with the force but otherwise doing no damage at all. However, the shot knocks the figure’s hood back and reveals who is underneath:

Teana.

As the group stands in shock, Zafira takes a step forward, intent on asking just what’s up. Teana fires a time-displacement round that Yuuno barely manages to open a teleport circle in front of, saving the wolf-man from being taken out of the battle. It is abundantly clear that Teana has turned on them and sided with the “villain” in this fight. When asked why by a shocked Nanoha and a borderline-emotionally-crushed Subaru, Teana (now taking off the cloak to reveal a blood-red longcoat-like Barrier Jacket (with some purple and gold in it)) explains:

After the Training Incident, Teana has become convinced that Nanoha and the other trainers (especially “[her] lapdog Vita”) were working to hold her back and keep her from reaching her true potential, making it so that she would always be a hapless weakling incapable of using anything above C-rank techniques, and (in Teana’s mind the worst transgression by far) working to prevent her from reclaiming her family’s honor in the eyes of the TSAB higher-ups.
In response to this, Teana has spent approximately 26 hours in a temporally-displaced training center based on Evangeline’s, but ramped up to give her roughly 26 days’ worth of constant hard training, coupled with 24/7 usage of the same VR system that (unknown to Teana) Nanoha used to use before her near-death accident. She also reveals that she has given up on her old shooting magic, demonstrated by transforming her Cross Mirage – now silver with violet plating – into a meter-long longsword of energy, set to “physical” (i.e. “lethal”) damage instead of “magical”. She states how she bore witness to the fight with Evangeline, but that unlike “that weak child” she has instead chosen to give up her happiness for the sword: her power and emotions have become linked in the same way that Evangeline’s are, and now, filled with so much anger and hatred, coupled with her training and new techniques, she is S-rank in level.

An attempt by Nanoha & Vita to explain the truth is met with an echoing, enraged, and slightly-insane-sounding “USO DA!!!” [Homage to the fact that Teana shares a voice actress with Rena from Higurashi]; there will be no peaceful resolution to this conflict: this is war.

Teana reveals that she signed up with Chao’s plan in exchange for several new high-level techniques and a certain enhancement. You see, in this timeline Chao’s Deadly Upgrade isn’t “magical circuits”; a dark ki radiates outward, chilling the souls of those who can sense it, as Chao & Teana activate their Cursed Seals of Hell and Heaven, respectively. Negi, Setsuna, Kaede, Nanoha, Signum, Vita, Yuuno, Shamal, Subaru, & Evangeline are horror-struck by this, as they, through study, know all about the Cursed Seals and their effects.
The battle rapidly goes into full swing (side note: Teana now knows how to fly), with Negi & Chao exchanging high-level spells and Sagitta Magica barrages while Nanoha struggles to avoid or block potentially-fatal strikes from the enraged Teana, making it clear that, to Nanoha’s sadness and shock, Teana is genuinely trying to kill her. And then Teana starts shooting off high-level fire ninjutsu as well, including Katon: Hōsenka and the S-Rank Katon: Karyuu Endan. Nanoha dodges these things… until a shadow clone of Teana distracts her long enough for the real Teana to hit her full-force with her new magical attack, a dark-magic corruption of Nanoha’s: Forsaken Buster. Nanoha barely withstands the blast, and it takes an iaiken shot from Takahata to stop Teana from dealing a fatal blow; Teana responds by hitting the interloper with a time-displacement round, putting him out of the fight.

After we check back on the fight between Negi & Chao for a bit, Teana takes a half-charged Starlight Breaker… and emerges from the dust cloud transformed into a demonic figure: the second state of the Cursed Seal. After a bit more fighting (well, “fighting” meaning Nanoha getting her ass kicked), Nanoha decides to pull off her trump card: she has picked up from Takahata the secret of kanka, or magic/ki fusion, and she readies her new Nova Breaker… only to see Teana respond by charging up her own kanka technique: Fallen Star’s Flare.

As the fight between Negi & Chao ends with Chao’s ki and magic reserves hitting zero, the titanic beam struggle between Nanoha & Teana commences and rapidly intensifies, the entire campus being lit up by the two huge clashing beams/waves of pink and violet energy. After nearly 15 minutes of constant struggle, with both fighters giving everything they have, and the forces literally start to tear up the ground and structures far beneath them and shake the ground with their force, Teana’s energy suddenly and unexpectedly hits zero (likely a combination of the Cursed Stage 2’s body-damaging effects and the side-effects of the VR training), leaving a now-horrified (“OH SHI-”) Teana at the mercy of Nanoha’s attack. As she plummets to the ground, Fate catches both her and (falling out of the sky soon after) Nanoha, bringing both safely to the ground.

After things have been explained on Chao’s side of the story, Chao (unlike in the original timeline) chooses to stay in the current timeline and aid Negi, stating that since her entire family (and, indeed, her entire colony, the Mars capital city of Olympia) is now gone (obliterated by orbital bombardment by anti-magic terrorists) she has now real reason to go back home, as she has no home to go back to. Academy mages arrive with intent to capture and arrest her, and are willing to fight past and harm the exhausted Negi and his students/partners to get to them, but Yuuno casually mentions that he has them all target-locked for teleportation, and he has the capability to teleport them into “unpleasant” locations such as the bottom of the ocean or the surface of the Sun; they, wisely and fearfully, back off. Headmaster Konoemon arrives and officially places Chao under Negi’s jurisdiction.

Meanwhile, a barely-conscious Teana is “interrogated” by Fate and Hayate, who are the only high-rankers present that Teana doesn’t consider enemies (but everyone’s still listening in to the conversation); it’s revealed that everything Teana said, she meant; she will now live her life her way, not the way that Nanoha had been trying to set for her; she also elaborates on her “sword over happiness” decision: she feels now that positive emotions are a weakness and that only by abandoning all emotions except sorrow, anger, hatred, and detached apathy can she become and remain truly strong. She admits that she indeed truly loves Subaru, but that she feels that this emotion will prevent her from being strong enough to safeguard her, that it’s better to move on, lock away her own heart, and give Subaru a chance to “find someone who deserves her”, no matter how much it hurts (on this last bit, Teana does shed a tear… and Subaru, who is, unknown to Teana, listening to every word, sheds several more).

The next day, Hayate gives the order that Teana will stay with the group, continuing as a warrior alongside them, despite Signum, Vita, and Setsuna protesting that she was too dangerous; Hayate’s reply? “Exactly; would you rather have an amoral, fight-seeking S-Rank mage running free, or would you rather have her stick close so that we can keep her bloodlust in check and make sure she doesn’t permanently injure herself?”

It is determined that Teana’s magical and ki abilities cannot be sealed or suppressed, and the Cursed Seal is there to stay. However, a discovery is made that the reason Teana had such poor magic control in the past was because she has a tremendous amount of ki/chakra flowing inside her, disrupting her body’s ability to channel magic. Now that she has been trained to access chakra, her body is also able to better use large amounts of magical energy. Also, Mana refuses to let such talent with gun-based techniques go to waste, and is trying to teach Teana how to fight with “real guns” (or rather, Cross Mirage modified to fire real bullets when in pistol mode); she demonstrates the effectiveness by using a bit of Gun Kata to effortlessly take out a LARGE group of training drones that pre-Freak-Out Teana would’ve had much trouble with.

(In this timeline, the technically-impractical-and-unrealistic Gun Kata of films like Equilibrium is made practical be the usage of the Force (yes, what the Jedi use) to guide the shooter’s body and mind, telling them how and when to move, how, where, & when to shoot, and such; a close-range Gun-Kata battle like in Equilibrium’s finale and the final fight of the anime Grenadier are basically Gun-Kata practitioners’ version of a lightsaber duel)

And this is where I’ve hit a dead-end. I have no idea how to approach the following plot ideas:

Spoiler for Help Please:

How would the Nanoha-verse group react to getting to “see” Negi’s past (the demon attack on the village)?

How would Nanoha, who as we know does not approve of dangerous training regimens, deal with Negi’s?

How would the Nanoha group deal with and handle the Gateport Incident (mainly: how would each of them react to Negi, out of the blue, being impaled through the chest, and then fighting off Fate Averruncus and his minions… as well as learning that Negi’s arch enemy is named Fate)? (Evangeline comes along for the trip in this timeline) (Also, a scene where Teana uses her sword to slice several of Averruncus’ high-speed stone spears out of the air with ease)

How would they deal with the crazy-awesomeness of Jack Rakan? How would they (particularly Nanoha) react to Negi choosing to learn Magia Erebea? With Teana’s dark nature, would she choose to learn it as well?

Later on, how would they react to mind-blowing tournament fight between Negi & Jack? The presence of Kurt Godel? The incident where Kurt pushed Negi too far and Negi turned into a monstrous Erebus Daemon?

Also very important: will Subaru and/or the others ever break through Teana’s shell, and convince her that it’s okay to be both happy and strong, to love? If they did so, would she accept? If she accepted, would she succeed, or crash and burn like Evangeline so long ago? Will Yuuno and Albireo ever find a way to get rid of the emotion-power links/limiters on Evangeline & Teana?

I… I have no clue whatsoever how to proceed with all this. Help? Ideas? Suggestions? Comments? Details? Anyone? Be nice, please (by that I mean, no “OMG ur stoopid NEGYMA sux u fayl at stohreetelyng” comments).

[SulliMike23]

Originally Posted by Alavon

I was bored and decided to write a short fic but I found the first chapter of a series I began half a year ago and I decided to continue it. So here you go.

Spoiler for Please, Arrest Me!:

The long lecture was all to-well damn known for me to be here but what other choice do I have? My father, who was the Head Police Chief of the New York City Police Department, is always a lot stricter with me than with anyone else. The slightest mistake, no matter how minuscule it appeared, I would be given a full-out crash course of Hell 101. So what if I blew up half a block of Time Square during the Thanksgiving day Parade while chasing a drug thief and making the man loose a hand?! It was his own damn fault for having hazardous materials in his trunk in the first place!

Please, Arrest Me!

By:
Alavon

Chapter I:
Change of Job

---

My name is Subaru Nakajima and I'm a detective for the New York City Police Department...or at least I was an hour ago. I was suspended from my post until further notice for a particular incident that I don't even want to think about at the moment. The young women walked up a flight of stairs, rummaging in her gym bag for her apartment keys, a bag of cinnabons hanging from a mouth. I'm only 22 years old but I'm not your average ex-detective. After finding out her keys, she placed it in the lock and after turning it, pushed the door open. For as long as I can remember, I was brought up in a semi-military life. I went to many community clubs that associates itself with the police, one of them being the Police Explorers program.

Subaru dumped her bag on the floor of her loft, not caring about it at all and headed towards the bathroom. When I was young, my mother, who was also a police detective, died during an investigation, and after that event, I began to seriously consider joining the police force and not because my father told me so. I wanted to continue in her footsteps and find the culprit who took my mother from me. She turned the faucet of the bathroom on and splashed some cold water to her face, enjoying the icy stings. After graduating from the Police Academy with high marks, I was immediately offered a job at the New York City Police Department. Unfortunately, after 4 years, my lack of patience might have finally cost me my job. After wiping off the water from her face, she looked up at the medicine cabinet's mirror.

She looked like crap.

Strands of purple-bluish hair was sticking on her forehead with more strands of her sticking out in all sort of odd places and it didn't help at all that her hair was shoulder-length.

Subaru sighed. What a hell of a day.

I'm usually energetic but after what happened today...well...even I would be tired. And that's saying something! Subaru turned on her automatic shower and, after adjusting the right temperature, she began to undress. Being a Police Officer is-was-oh, whatever! It was fun. I got to save a lot of people but sometimes I can't help but think that I need to do more. She checked to make sure that the water's temperature was what she wanted it to be one last time and when she was happy with it, Subaru slipped in, a long content sigh escaping from her lips. The trails of water seemed to put her in a relaxing state, enjoying the slight spray of water that was swirling around her.
I have an older sister named Ginga. She's only three years older than me but we get along just fine. When our mother died, she took it upon herself to take her place. She even look like her! But I think mother's death was a lot harder on her than it was on me; after all, Ginga knew mom a lot more than me. I was a daddy's girl. After she was done showering, Subaru grabbed a towel and placed it around herself but not on her head; she enjoyed leaving her hair damp because of the sudden coolness she feels after getting out of the shower. Leaving the bathroom, Subaru headed towards her bedroom that was at the end of the hallway.

Remember when I said that when my mother died I wanted to follow in her footsteps? Well, I was always complementing on whether I should join early or later on but an event would ultimately decide my fate. After wiping herself dry, she took out some night clothes from her closet and began dressing herself. It was three years after my mother died and Ginga and I were suppose to meet up with dad because he had a case in Florida that was heavily related to a murder case in New York City that he was investigating. As soon as we arrived, I was suppose to meet up with Ginga when I got off my plane because we were seated in different parts of it. But their was a commotion and of course, we were separated. Suicide bombers set off their bombs and the entire Airport turned into a scene of hell. I was lost, confused and hot, not to mention afraid. Subaru plopped herself on her bed and turned on her HD TV and to her annoyance, her face was showing in every news cast as if she was the criminal. So much for her reputation. I was about to shout for help when all of the sudden, a pipe snapped off and was heading towards me! I was too terrified and shocked to even move so I stayed there, waiting for the inevitable...but it never came. Instead, I felt a someone grabbing me and and that moment, a loud CLANG was heard and I knew that I was saved. She turned off the T.V. and instead grabbed a crime book that she started months ago and began to read it. When I opened my eyes, there she was.

Nanoha Takamachi.

Spoiler for Author's Notes:

This is only part of the chapter. I'll post the rest tomorrow if anyone wants me to continue it...

Not a bad start. Subaru, an ex-cop for the NYPD getting suspended because she made a mistake while putting a guy in jail. I'd stay off the streets for a couple weeks if I were her.

[Keroko]

Originally Posted by DKN117

Since I’ve been told that it’s okay to post outlines and ask for help & opinions, here is what I have for a Nanoha/Negima crossover. Despite the fact that the Negima-verse’s events are the primary focus here, there is no “Negima Fanfic Discussion” forum, so this entry is going here. If you haven’t read Mahou Sensei Negima, don’t even bother reading this post.

Also, a few elements of the Naruto-verse make themselves known here. However, none of the characters show up (though there may be a passing mention much later on of a certain invincible, mask-wearing, current-and-true Big Bad of the series), and the Naruto world is not visited. The influence? Jutsu. A few Naruto-verse techniques will show up (partly thanks to the Negima-verse’s local ninja-girl Kaede), and another dark jutsu of the ‘verse will play an important point soon…

This is an outline, not a full story; I am soliciting help in ideas to flesh out the storyline. There will be parts below that are woefully undetailed, and after a certain point everything just stops altogether as I have no idea how to proceed.

For every month spent in the Negima-verse, one day passes back on Midchilda in this story; a side-effect of the below-mentioned dimensional anomaly.

Spoiler for Main Plot:

Immediately after the White Devil Training Incident (as in, right after Teana regains consciousness and before she and the other Forwards can get the talk from Signum & co.), a random warp-portal (that will not itself be plot-relevant in any other way) sucks the Nanoha-group (specifically, Nanoha, Fate, Hayate, Signum, Vita, Shamal, Zafira, Arf, Yuuno, Erio, Subaru, Teana, Caro (& Friedrich), and Reinforce Zwei) in and spits them out in the Negima-timeline’s Earth, on the morning of the first day of the Mahora Festival. Shortly after the group wanders into the campus, learning of the festival, Teana runs off and disappears, foiling any attempts to be tracked. Nanoha reluctantly orders to let her go and have some time alone to think.

Nanoha’s group meets Negi’s core group and learns about the presence of magic & mages here; the two groups swap background info on their worlds’ prospective magicks and such, new friends are made, yadda-yadda… I don’t know what to put in for the various characters’ interactions and time spent during the festival, but Nanoha & co. do find out about Negi’s Cassiopeia Watch, and figure that as long as he’s careful about not causing time paradoxes (or “OMG There’s 2+ Negis” freak-outs) it’s okay.

Skip ahead due to lack of ideas: night-time – tournament elimination/qualification. Some members of Nanoha’s group decide not to enter, instead choosing to observe, but all of those that do choose to enter qualify for the tournament. The qualifiers are: Negi, Kotaro, Kuu Fei, Asuna, Setsuna, Evangeline, Takahata, Albireo (“Sanders”), Takane, Kaede, Mana, Signum, Vita, Subaru, Fate... and Teana, who showed up out of the blue, refusing to talk to or even acknowledge the rest of her old group, acting solemn, serious, and silent. Suspicious…

Next day: the tournament. In this timeline, however, there is no restriction on projectile weapons or blades. However, all such weapons must have safety fields installed so that they cause “stun damage” (actually Nanoha-verse-style magical damage, which as we know is normally incapable of killing). Also, in this timeline, it’s the actual Albireo Imma, not a projection.

Spoiler for Tournament:

ROUND 1:
Kuu Fei vs. Takane: Kuu Fei wins, of course accidentally stripping Takane with a short-range ki blast in the process (for those who haven’t read Negima and chose to read this anyway: it’s a running gag that poor Takane gets stripped one way or another in practically every fight she ever participates in)

Subaru vs. Fate: Come on, who do you think wins here? That said, Subaru does put up a decent fight before being taken down

Negi vs. Signum: A very close and relatively intense match, with Signum eventually conceding defeat (though whether she could’ve kept going is unknown); Shamal, feeling generous, heals Negi afterward, though Signum declines an offer for the same (her stubborn pride)

Kotaro vs. Mana: A close fight, but Kotaro wins

Kaede vs. Teana: Teana reveals a surprising agility, speed, and strength (surprising because she didn’t have it when she came here a day ago and shouldn’t have been able to increase this much in this little time; hmm…), but it’s not quite enough to overcome our favorite Chuunin; after her loss, Teana disappears again

Takahata vs. Albireo: good gravy, this was an intense match! Eventually, Takahata concedes, and Al advances

Setsuna vs. Asuna: this happens exactly the same as it did in canon

Evangeline vs. Vita: Battle of the Immortal Lolis! Vita puts up quite a fight, surprising Evangeline, but Eva still manages to win (Note: in this timeline, Eva has some limited access to her magic during the tournament, as opposed to “none at all”)

ROUND 2:
Kuu Fei vs. Fate: Quite the fate, but Kuu Fei concedes to Fate

Negi vs. Kotaro: Exciting intense action GO! At the end, the two exhausted combatants walk up to each other, and Kotaro smiles, gives a thumbs-up… and keels over. Negi wins!

Kaede vs. Albireo: Quite possibly the biggest fight of the tournament, with Al slinging gravity spells and magical arrows while Kaede sends swarms of shadow clones (in this timeline Kaede’s chakra reserves are much higher than the original timeline, bordering on Kakashi’s) and other stuff (she knows Katon: Gokakyuu and even Suiton: Suiryudan) Albireo is forced to use his artifact to transform into Nagi Springfield (only physically), and things start to really heat up; things end when Nagi-Al hits Kaede with a devastating lightning attack… and it’s a Shadow Clone. Where’d she go? ‘I thought she w-’ “RASENGAN!!” The attack shatters Albireo’s transformation and sends him flying out of the ring, unable to even stand up. Kaede wins

Setsuna vs. Evangeline: At first, things go as they did in the original timeline, right down to the mindscape battle, which Nanoha’s group also eavesdrops on. However, things go south when Setsuna states that she wishes to have both her “sword” (strength) and her happiness; instead of laughing ruefully about it as she did in the original timeline, this just sets Evangeline off. The final attack is blown, and the two are knocked out of the mindscape. Setsuna launches forward, but Evangeline’s anger results in another mindscape, this one with all happenings inside it taking a split-second’s worth of time in the outside world. This time, all of Negi & Nanoha’s groups (including, formerly in the crowd and now observing the incident while cloaked, Teana) are pulled in along with Setsuna, and Evangeline is now truly angry.

Eva states that choosing both is not an option – for Setsuna or for anyone – and that it is impossible to have both true strength and true happiness; she proceeds to attack Setsuna at full force, genuinely trying to kill her. Nanoha intervenes, transforming and facing off against Eva. After a long and hectic battle, when Nanoha asks one time too many why Evangeline believes what she does, Eva completely loses it, shedding a few tears despite her best efforts while she explains (with mentally-projected images) her origins: how her innocence and happiness were irretrievably stolen from her; how after her “rebirth” she had once believed that a person could have both strength and happiness, and spent a tremendous amount of effort attaining it, only to come up short and lose both; how she’d clawed her way back to high power over hundreds of years; how she’d suffered countless abuses and misfortunes that had destroyed any optimism or faith in God she’d once had, and made her believe that only pain and isolation can lead to true strength, and that all people are destined to end up alone, and that those who would try to be both strong and happy would lose everything.

To this, Nanoha finally sees the situation for what it is, and she weeps for the lost, sad, lonely girl in front of her; this prompts a violent “don’t-you-dare-pity-me” reaction from Evangeline, and Nanoha swears that she will “save Eva-san from herself”. The battle truly kicks into high gear, with both combatants throwing around everything they have. Eventually, Evangeline decides to finish it and hit Nanoha with her ultimate spell, the strongest ice-type spell in existence: Kosmikē Katastrophē. However, when Evangeline uses the first half of the spell (Haionie Krustalle) to encase Nanoha in an absolute-zero field of ice, Nanoha casts the strongest barrier she can, protecting her from the effect. Before Eva can cast the finishing blow…

“Blaster Three! Starlight Breaker EX!!”

Evangeline is caught completely off-guard and is hit dead-on by the wave of magical energy, doing enough (magical) damage to put her down for the count, unable to even stand and completely drained of energy. When the gang approaches her, Negi gets right up to her and starts questioning and such, and eventually Evangeline completely breaks down in his arms, stating that she doesn’t care about power anymore; she just wants to be happy and cared for. Undetected in the distance, Teana leaves the mindscape, showing a hint of disgust.

When Evangeline has calmed down 20 minutes later, being tended to by Chachamaru (who listens to the following with her advanced sensors), Yuuno quietly pulls the others aside and reveals a negative development that Shamal’s scanners picked up: due to psychological stress, Evangeline’s power has now become linked inversely with her happiness; the more content with life she is, the happier she gets, the more at peace she feels, the less power she can access. At the moment, her desire to give up power for happiness has freed her from the curse binding her to the school and suppressing her power, but it has also reduced her power level to that of a low C-Rank mage. He has telepathically sent a message to Albireo Imma, giving Al access to the Infinity Library and the task to find a cure for this affliction, but hopes are grim.

The mental world fades… and back in the real world Eva is promptly knocked for a loop by Setsuna (who, despite being present for the whole mindscape battle, couldn’t call off her body’s attack in time); when Eva chooses to just lie there for the 10-count, Setsuna wins and advances to the semi-finals.

SEMI-FINALS:
Fate vs. Negi: an intensely electrifying match (see what I did there?) that leaves onlookers astonished beyond words; eventually, Fate passes out from exhaustion, winning Negi the match; Konoka uses her artifact to heal the both of them afterwards.

Kaede vs. Setsuna: another fierce match, with both combatants giving their all, but eventually Kaede wears Setsuna out.

FINALS:
Negi vs. Kaede: I honestly don’t know how to give this fight justice, but it is going to be EPIC. The judges even waive the 20-minute match rule just to see the fight through. After a match that has everyone’s jaws on the floor and pretty much destroys the ring, Negi falls down and doesn’t have the energy to get back up, falling asleep right there from exhaustion, and Kaede is declared the winner… and immediately after keels over as well.

I don’t know how to have the rest of the festival progress, or how to put out the first encounter with Chao and the ensuing eight-days-later bit or the “gathering the army” portion of the story.

During the big battle, Negi, Nanoha, & company have managed to finish off a demon and rescue a dozen mundanes and are now confronting Chao… when a storm of magical arrows comes down, knocking out all the muggles and barely being blocked by the mages and ki-users. Two figures, hidden by robes, jump down to either side of Chao, facing down the heroes. One, unmistakably Mana (the height and the voice), runs off to engage other minor forces, while the other stays at Chao’s side, squaring off against the heroes. Vita impulsively launches a shot at the figure’s head, and the figure doesn’t even try to dodge, letting it rock their head back with the force but otherwise doing no damage at all. However, the shot knocks the figure’s hood back and reveals who is underneath:

Teana.

As the group stands in shock, Zafira takes a step forward, intent on asking just what’s up. Teana fires a time-displacement round that Yuuno barely manages to open a teleport circle in front of, saving the wolf-man from being taken out of the battle. It is abundantly clear that Teana has turned on them and sided with the “villain” in this fight. When asked why by a shocked Nanoha and a borderline-emotionally-crushed Subaru, Teana (now taking off the cloak to reveal a blood-red longcoat-like Barrier Jacket (with some purple and gold in it)) explains:

After the Training Incident, Teana has become convinced that Nanoha and the other trainers (especially “[her] lapdog Vita”) were working to hold her back and keep her from reaching her true potential, making it so that she would always be a hapless weakling incapable of using anything above C-rank techniques, and (in Teana’s mind the worst transgression by far) working to prevent her from reclaiming her family’s honor in the eyes of the TSAB higher-ups.
In response to this, Teana has spent approximately 26 hours in a temporally-displaced training center based on Evangeline’s, but ramped up to give her roughly 26 days’ worth of constant hard training, coupled with 24/7 usage of the same VR system that (unknown to Teana) Nanoha used to use before her near-death accident. She also reveals that she has given up on her old shooting magic, demonstrated by transforming her Cross Mirage – now silver with violet plating – into a meter-long longsword of energy, set to “physical” (i.e. “lethal”) damage instead of “magical”. She states how she bore witness to the fight with Evangeline, but that unlike “that weak child” she has instead chosen to give up her happiness for the sword: her power and emotions have become linked in the same way that Evangeline’s are, and now, filled with so much anger and hatred, coupled with her training and new techniques, she is S-rank in level.

An attempt by Nanoha & Vita to explain the truth is met with an echoing, enraged, and slightly-insane-sounding “USO DA!!!” [Homage to the fact that Teana shares a voice actress with Rena from Higurashi]; there will be no peaceful resolution to this conflict: this is war.

Teana reveals that she signed up with Chao’s plan in exchange for several new high-level techniques and a certain enhancement. You see, in this timeline Chao’s Deadly Upgrade isn’t “magical circuits”; a dark ki radiates outward, chilling the souls of those who can sense it, as Chao & Teana activate their Cursed Seals of Hell and Heaven, respectively. Negi, Setsuna, Kaede, Nanoha, Signum, Vita, Yuuno, Shamal, Subaru, & Evangeline are horror-struck by this, as they, through study, know all about the Cursed Seals and their effects.
The battle rapidly goes into full swing (side note: Teana now knows how to fly), with Negi & Chao exchanging high-level spells and Sagitta Magica barrages while Nanoha struggles to avoid or block potentially-fatal strikes from the enraged Teana, making it clear that, to Nanoha’s sadness and shock, Teana is genuinely trying to kill her. And then Teana starts shooting off high-level fire ninjutsu as well, including Katon: Hōsenka and the S-Rank Katon: Karyuu Endan. Nanoha dodges these things… until a shadow clone of Teana distracts her long enough for the real Teana to hit her full-force with her new magical attack, a dark-magic corruption of Nanoha’s: Forsaken Buster. Nanoha barely withstands the blast, and it takes an iaiken shot from Takahata to stop Teana from dealing a fatal blow; Teana responds by hitting the interloper with a time-displacement round, putting him out of the fight.

After we check back on the fight between Negi & Chao for a bit, Teana takes a half-charged Starlight Breaker… and emerges from the dust cloud transformed into a demonic figure: the second state of the Cursed Seal. After a bit more fighting (well, “fighting” meaning Nanoha getting her ass kicked), Nanoha decides to pull off her trump card: she has picked up from Takahata the secret of kanka, or magic/ki fusion, and she readies her new Nova Breaker… only to see Teana respond by charging up her own kanka technique: Fallen Star’s Flare.

As the fight between Negi & Chao ends with Chao’s ki and magic reserves hitting zero, the titanic beam struggle between Nanoha & Teana commences and rapidly intensifies, the entire campus being lit up by the two huge clashing beams/waves of pink and violet energy. After nearly 15 minutes of constant struggle, with both fighters giving everything they have, and the forces literally start to tear up the ground and structures far beneath them and shake the ground with their force, Teana’s energy suddenly and unexpectedly hits zero (likely a combination of the Cursed Stage 2’s body-damaging effects and the side-effects of the VR training), leaving a now-horrified (“OH SHI-”) Teana at the mercy of Nanoha’s attack. As she plummets to the ground, Fate catches both her and (falling out of the sky soon after) Nanoha, bringing both safely to the ground.

After things have been explained on Chao’s side of the story, Chao (unlike in the original timeline) chooses to stay in the current timeline and aid Negi, stating that since her entire family (and, indeed, her entire colony, the Mars capital city of Olympia) is now gone (obliterated by orbital bombardment by anti-magic terrorists) she has now real reason to go back home, as she has no home to go back to. Academy mages arrive with intent to capture and arrest her, and are willing to fight past and harm the exhausted Negi and his students/partners to get to them, but Yuuno casually mentions that he has them all target-locked for teleportation, and he has the capability to teleport them into “unpleasant” locations such as the bottom of the ocean or the surface of the Sun; they, wisely and fearfully, back off. Headmaster Konoemon arrives and officially places Chao under Negi’s jurisdiction.

Meanwhile, a barely-conscious Teana is “interrogated” by Fate and Hayate, who are the only high-rankers present that Teana doesn’t consider enemies (but everyone’s still listening in to the conversation); it’s revealed that everything Teana said, she meant; she will now live her life her way, not the way that Nanoha had been trying to set for her; she also elaborates on her “sword over happiness” decision: she feels now that positive emotions are a weakness and that only by abandoning all emotions except sorrow, anger, hatred, and detached apathy can she become and remain truly strong. She admits that she indeed truly loves Subaru, but that she feels that this emotion will prevent her from being strong enough to safeguard her, that it’s better to move on, lock away her own heart, and give Subaru a chance to “find someone who deserves her”, no matter how much it hurts (on this last bit, Teana does shed a tear… and Subaru, who is, unknown to Teana, listening to every word, sheds several more).

The next day, Hayate gives the order that Teana will stay with the group, continuing as a warrior alongside them, despite Signum, Vita, and Setsuna protesting that she was too dangerous; Hayate’s reply? “Exactly; would you rather have an amoral, fight-seeking S-Rank mage running free, or would you rather have her stick close so that we can keep her bloodlust in check and make sure she doesn’t permanently injure herself?”

It is determined that Teana’s magical and ki abilities cannot be sealed or suppressed, and the Cursed Seal is there to stay. However, a discovery is made that the reason Teana had such poor magic control in the past was because she has a tremendous amount of ki/chakra flowing inside her, disrupting her body’s ability to channel magic. Now that she has been trained to access chakra, her body is also able to better use large amounts of magical energy. Also, Mana refuses to let such talent with gun-based techniques go to waste, and is trying to teach Teana how to fight with “real guns” (or rather, Cross Mirage modified to fire real bullets when in pistol mode); she demonstrates the effectiveness by using a bit of Gun Kata to effortlessly take out a LARGE group of training drones that pre-Freak-Out Teana would’ve had much trouble with.

(In this timeline, the technically-impractical-and-unrealistic Gun Kata of films like Equilibrium is made practical be the usage of the Force (yes, what the Jedi use) to guide the shooter’s body and mind, telling them how and when to move, how, where, & when to shoot, and such; a close-range Gun-Kata battle like in Equilibrium’s finale and the final fight of the anime Grenadier are basically Gun-Kata practitioners’ version of a lightsaber duel)

And this is where I’ve hit a dead-end. I have no idea how to approach the following plot ideas:

Spoiler for Help Please:

How would the Nanoha-verse group react to getting to “see” Negi’s past (the demon attack on the village)?

How would Nanoha, who as we know does not approve of dangerous training regimens, deal with Negi’s?

How would the Nanoha group deal with and handle the Gateport Incident (mainly: how would each of them react to Negi, out of the blue, being impaled through the chest, and then fighting off Fate Averruncus and his minions… as well as learning that Negi’s arch enemy is named Fate)? (Evangeline comes along for the trip in this timeline) (Also, a scene where Teana uses her sword to slice several of Averruncus’ high-speed stone spears out of the air with ease)

How would they deal with the crazy-awesomeness of Jack Rakan? How would they (particularly Nanoha) react to Negi choosing to learn Magia Erebea? With Teana’s dark nature, would she choose to learn it as well?

Later on, how would they react to mind-blowing tournament fight between Negi & Jack? The presence of Kurt Godel? The incident where Kurt pushed Negi too far and Negi turned into a monstrous Erebus Daemon?

Also very important: will Subaru and/or the others ever break through Teana’s shell, and convince her that it’s okay to be both happy and strong, to love? If they did so, would she accept? If she accepted, would she succeed, or crash and burn like Evangeline so long ago? Will Yuuno and Albireo ever find a way to get rid of the emotion-power links/limiters on Evangeline & Teana?

I… I have no clue whatsoever how to proceed with all this. Help? Ideas? Suggestions? Comments? Details? Anyone? Be nice, please (by that I mean, no “OMG ur stoopid NEGYMA sux u fayl at stohreetelyng” comments).

I can't do a detailed break down at the moment, but I already see a glaring weakness. Teana's "I'm going to go rogue because you were holding me back!" is so blatantly out of character (not to mention painfully cliche) that it quite frankly impossible to take seriously. Teana may have had a serious drive to grow stronger in StrikerS to the point where she would needlesly risk herself, but she did not, and would not, fight against her friends and allies because of that, much less accuse them of holding her back. Teana blamed herself for her weakness, not others.

[Rising Dragon]

And to add to that, there's her whole personal goal to consider, which is impossible if she goes rogue from the TSAB.

... also I'm getting serious deja vu here. Wasn't the idea of Teana going rogue brought up here once before?