Dating

[Samari]

Hey just wanted to chime in. I'm not sure if you've read the other thread I posted in. It was the one about Asian women not dating Asian men. Anyways, for those of you who don't know, I'm black, not Asian. I just posted in that thread because I had an issue and wanted some guidance to go along with it. Well here's my issue.

So the new semester at my university in San Francisco started in September. Through the first several weeks I found myself attracted to this girl that caught my eye within the school building where one of my illustration classes is. It took me quite some time to talk to her, but after a while I finally did so. Long story short in that regard, she wasn't the one for me I discovered. She's already taken, and it didn't seem like things would ever work out. Extremely nice girl though.

So fast forward to the day before Thanksgiving. Two of the intermediate figure drawing illustration classes are visiting Stanford University for the day to sketch some of the figure sculptures that are there. So I'm there and there's this cute Asian girl (I think of Chinese descent) from the other class that's also illustrating. I hadn't really seen her before because she's in the other class normally when we're back in our usual work building on the university's main campus in San Francisco. So it's towards the end of the day, and I'm waiting outside for the instructor's to dismiss class. I see her walking around and think about going up and talking to her, but decide not to. Then, she sits down next me. Didn't really take notice that she was sitting next to me. I guess she was just waiting for class to be dismissed as well. So it seems like fate has provided me with a better chance to do something. Well, if you believe in divine intervention that is. Anyways, I take hold of this chance and strike up a conversation with her. Everything seemed to go fine. I must admit, I was a little apprehensive about trying to continue my quest for someone else so quickly after I found out things with the previous person wouldn't work. I thought I was acting too desperate. Or something. That's when I came here and conversed about it if some of you recall. At any rate, the first conversation went well with this girl. She was quite nice also.

So a week later, I see her back at the university say "hi" real quick or whatever and that was that. But I wanted things to start clicking and perhaps get some contact information or something, but I knew the semester was going to end soon. So a week passes, don't see her. So today, the second to the last day of class, I had my shot once again. This time, I took grasp of the opportunity I had. She was heading out on her way to lunch or something. Both of our classes have lunch breaks around the same time. She was going to Starbucks, and I basically asked if I could join her. She seemed a little...eh..."uneasy" at first, but she was cool with it. The whole thing lasted about 30 to 40 minutes. That includes walking to Starbucks, sitting down and talking for a while, and walking back. So, I guess it was mixed results for the most part. I mean the good news I think is that we seem to have a lot in common. It's very strange. We're both third year illustration students, we're both graduates from the class of 2005 from our respective high schools, we both seem to be into manga and such and even read a couple of the same exact titles at the moment, and we both live about the same distance away, except in opposite directions. She even has the same name as my mother, which was kind of strange at first, but whatever. So I thought this was a good foundation for at least building a friendship and maybe something after that you know? She's quite down to Earth, and hip in her own right, but not totally stuck up or anything. At least from what I can tell. So it's like she's half nerd/half beauty queen. Stereotypically speaking of course. Right, so as we're walking back and talking, she asked if she can see some of my illustrations via Facebook. So, that really made me feel a little more comfortable, because she may have been interested in something that I "brought to the table". So later on, I gave her my Facebook information.

So at that point, I was satisfied for the most part. I mean, things had gone well. It's just that there were a few awkward moments, when I couldn't think of things to say, or she couldn't either. Or maybe she just didn't want to talk. I have no clue. I don't think I came on to strongly in terms of asking her if I could join her for lunch.

So after about an hour of going back to class and drawing, I step back outside the classroom door because the model in our class was taking a break. So I was outside, and about to call a friend of mine. And then I see her yet again. Right down the hallway. I kind of pretended not to see her, because well...I don't know, I didn't want to seem like a stalker or whatever. So I'm talking on my cell phone, and I notice that she goes back towards her class around this set of lockers. And at the moment she's in plain sight of seeing me, she kind of well...you know when people have a headache and put their hand up towards their head? She kind of did that gesture right before she stepped back into class. At that point, I felt...really dejected. Like she totally didn't want to strike up any small talk or something. Here's a little diagram of what happened:



I mean like I said, I wasn't looking at her during the moment directly, I could just see what she did out of the corner of my eye. When I went back to class, I kept going on and on in my mind what I could have did wrong during the course of the day. I mean, I was quite nice (at least I believe so), tried to make sure she was comfortable, never let an awkward silence last for a long period of time, and didn't do any strange things. I mean we have a lot in common it looks like, and she seemed kind of interested when we talked about those things. I just don't understand it. It's like there's some x-factor I'm missing that I can't figure out. Maybe she just doesn't like my appearance? Do I really look that bad?

Spoiler for Photo of me:

I just don't understand it. Which is why it's so frustrating in a sense. What must I do to get this girl to like me? I mean, if she doesn't, I guess that's fine. My heart has already been beaten to a pulp. I just wish she would be outright about the whole thing...instead of sending mixed signals. Oy. I know we just met, but...ermmm...something just doesn't seem right.

Well, I did give her my Facebook information, so I guess if she wants to be my friend...I'll know something more. Any opinions on the situation?

[Ascaloth]

@bluejazz87,

Erm.....play it cool?

Seriously, there's no need to get so neurotic over a girl. Just chill, you know what I mean? Whatever a girl thinks of you doesn't mean the end of the world for you or anything. No need to assume the worst.

Okay, on the situation at hand.....yeah, you probably came on a bit strong there. The way I look at it, you hardly know her and she hardly knows you...if I were your lady friend when you asked her out to lunch just all of a sudden, I'd freak too, especially since you were so free with your personal info like your Facebook account and all that. Any girl can see that coming a mile off.

That said, all is not lost. At this stage, when the both of you are not even doing anything together, it's best just to play it cool. What I'd suggest is, now that you've blown hot, it's time to blow cold; just do your own stuff, meet your own friends, know what I mean? If she's sending mixed signals, reciprocate with some of your own; if she has even the slightest interest in you, she'd certainly be intrigued by that. Moreover, if you show her you've got your own life to live, she'll certainly be impressed by that. Whatever you do, don't try the "let's go to lunch together" stunt again, not until she starts taking the initiative to talk to you.

Repeat the "blow hot/blow cold" cycle several times, and if she still doesn't take the bait, make like a hot potato - DROP. No point sticking with it if the connection just isn't there. And one more thing; don't think that you're working on a time limit here, that's just giving yourself more stress than is necessary. Take all the time you need, and finally, don't place too much importance on this.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Ascaloth

@bluejazz87,

Erm.....play it cool?

Seriously, there's no need to get so neurotic over a girl. Just chill, you know what I mean? Whatever a girl thinks of you doesn't mean the end of the world for you or anything. No need to assume the worst.

Okay, on the situation at hand.....yeah, you probably came on a bit strong there. The way I look at it, you hardly know her and she hardly knows you...if I were your lady friend when you asked her out to lunch just all of a sudden, I'd freak too, especially since you were so free with your personal info like your Facebook account and all that. Any girl can see that coming a mile off.

That said, all is not lost. At this stage, when the both of you are not even doing anything together, it's best just to play it cool. What I'd suggest is, now that you've blown hot, it's time to blow cold; just do your own stuff, meet your own friends, know what I mean? If she's sending mixed signals, reciprocate with some of your own; if she has even the slightest interest in you, she'd certainly be intrigued by that. Moreover, if you show her you've got your own life to live, she'll certainly be impressed by that. Whatever you do, don't try the "let's go to lunch together" stunt again, not until she starts taking the initiative to talk to you.

Repeat the "blow hot/blow cold" cycle several times, and if she still doesn't take the bait, make like a hot potato - DROP. No point sticking with it if the connection just isn't there. And one more thing; don't think that you're working on a time limit here, that's just giving yourself more stress than is necessary. Take all the time you need, and finally, don't place too much importance on this.

Perhaps I was a little excessive. It's just that there was only two more chances to talk to her and possibly get some contact information. Since the semester is over after the next class next week. And that day is going to be short. So it's like this had to be the day to do something, if anything. I may not see her again after the semester is over.

As for the Facebook thing, to put it into more detail it basically went like this: We were talking about illustrations, and she says "Hey is there anyway I can see your illustrations online or something"? And I (kind of surprised that she asked me) said "Oh sure, umm...do you have like a MySpace or Facebook or anything"? She says "Oh I have a facebook". And then I said "Oh, well then I'll just give you my information later".

Wait, was that really...strange?


I guess I'm just a little edgy because this person...seems to have a lot of things in common, so I don't know, I'm trying my best to at least be her friend. Or something.

[Ascaloth]

@blujazz87,

Hmmm, maybe I misunderstood the Facebook part or something. I guess that part's cool, then.

Well, all I can tell you at this point is; don't try. Or at least, don't try too hard; just let things proceed naturally. There's no need for you to try and influence the outcome.

If it'll happen, it'll happen. If it doesn't....well, there's always next time, y'know what I mean?

[Fome]

Originally Posted by bluejazz87

Hey just wanted to chime in. I'm not sure if you've read the other thread I posted in. It was the one about Asian women not dating Asian men. Anyways, for those of you who don't know, I'm black, not Asian. I just posted in that thread because I had an issue and wanted some guidance to go along with it. Well here's my issue.

So the new semester at my university in San Francisco started in September. Through the first several weeks I found myself attracted to this girl that caught my eye within the school building where one of my illustration classes is. It took me quite some time to talk to her, but after a while I finally did so. Long story short in that regard, she wasn't the one for me I discovered. She's already taken, and it didn't seem like things would ever work out. Extremely nice girl though.

So fast forward to the day before Thanksgiving. Two of the intermediate figure drawing illustration classes are visiting Stanford University for the day to sketch some of the figure sculptures that are there. So I'm there and there's this cute Asian girl (I think of Chinese descent) from the other class that's also illustrating. I hadn't really seen her before because she's in the other class normally when we're back in our usual work building on the university's main campus in San Francisco. So it's towards the end of the day, and I'm waiting outside for the instructor's to dismiss class. I see her walking around and think about going up and talking to her, but decide not to. Then, she sits down next me. Didn't really take notice that she was sitting next to me. I guess she was just waiting for class to be dismissed as well. So it seems like fate has provided me with a better chance to do something. Well, if you believe in divine intervention that is. Anyways, I take hold of this chance and strike up a conversation with her. Everything seemed to go fine. I must admit, I was a little apprehensive about trying to continue my quest for someone else so quickly after I found out things with the previous person wouldn't work. I thought I was acting too desperate. Or something. That's when I came here and conversed about it if some of you recall. At any rate, the first conversation went well with this girl. She was quite nice also.

So a week later, I see her back at the university say "hi" real quick or whatever and that was that. But I wanted things to start clicking and perhaps get some contact information or something, but I knew the semester was going to end soon. So a week passes, don't see her. So today, the second to the last day of class, I had my shot once again. This time, I took grasp of the opportunity I had. She was heading out on her way to lunch or something. Both of our classes have lunch breaks around the same time. She was going to Starbucks, and I basically asked if I could join her. She seemed a little...eh..."uneasy" at first, but she was cool with it. The whole thing lasted about 30 to 40 minutes. That includes walking to Starbucks, sitting down and talking for a while, and walking back. So, I guess it was mixed results for the most part. I mean the good news I think is that we seem to have a lot in common. It's very strange. We're both third year illustration students, we're both graduates from the class of 2005 from our respective high schools, we both seem to be into manga and such and even read a couple of the same exact titles at the moment, and we both live about the same distance away, except in opposite directions. She even has the same name as my mother, which was kind of strange at first, but whatever. So I thought this was a good foundation for at least building a friendship and maybe something after that you know? She's quite down to Earth, and hip in her own right, but not totally stuck up or anything. At least from what I can tell. So it's like she's half nerd/half beauty queen. Stereotypically speaking of course. Right, so as we're walking back and talking, she asked if she can see some of my illustrations via Facebook. So, that really made me feel a little more comfortable, because she may have been interested in something that I "brought to the table". So later on, I gave her my Facebook information.

So at that point, I was satisfied for the most part. I mean, things had gone well. It's just that there were a few awkward moments, when I couldn't think of things to say, or she couldn't either. Or maybe she just didn't want to talk. I have no clue. I don't think I came on to strongly in terms of asking her if I could join her for lunch.

So after about an hour of going back to class and drawing, I step back outside the classroom door because the model in our class was taking a break. So I was outside, and about to call a friend of mine. And then I see her yet again. Right down the hallway. I kind of pretended not to see her, because well...I don't know, I didn't want to seem like a stalker or whatever. So I'm talking on my cell phone, and I notice that she goes back towards her class around this set of lockers. And at the moment she's in plain sight of seeing me, she kind of well...you know when people have a headache and put their hand up towards their head? She kind of did that gesture right before she stepped back into class. At that point, I felt...really dejected. Like she totally didn't want to strike up any small talk or something. Here's a little diagram of what happened:



I mean like I said, I wasn't looking at her during the moment directly, I could just see what she did out of the corner of my eye. When I went back to class, I kept going on and on in my mind what I could have did wrong during the course of the day. I mean, I was quite nice (at least I believe so), tried to make sure she was comfortable, never let an awkward silence last for a long period of time, and didn't do any strange things. I mean we have a lot in common it looks like, and she seemed kind of interested when we talked about those things. I just don't understand it. It's like there's some x-factor I'm missing that I can't figure out. Maybe she just doesn't like my appearance? Do I really look that bad?

Spoiler for Photo of me:

I just don't understand it. Which is why it's so frustrating in a sense. What must I do to get this girl to like me? I mean, if she doesn't, I guess that's fine. My heart has already been beaten to a pulp. I just wish she would be outright about the whole thing...instead of sending mixed signals. Oy. I know we just met, but...ermmm...something just doesn't seem right.

Well, I did give her my Facebook information, so I guess if she wants to be my friend...I'll know something more. Any opinions on the situation?

I think she's not interested. You should give it up. From what you've mentioned, she hardly knows you, and yet you're trying to get her contact information.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Fome

I think she's not interested. You should give it up. From what you've mentioned, she hardly knows you, and yet you're trying to get her contact information.

Well I got the information by default. Ironically she accomplished my objective herself. That is, if she asks to be my friend on Facebook. I mean, I just wanted to really share some illustrations. We're both students with the same major. I thought it seemed reasonable. My intentions aren't cruel.

[Ledgem]

I largely agree with what everyone else said. It sounded like that one moved a bit quickly, and like you had plans before really knowing her better. There's nothing wrong with that - plenty of guys do it - but I don't think that any of us here can give you advice on how to go about it that way. I always associated that sort of behavior with the frat boy stereotype and that "type" - those who care more for the aesthetics and physical aspect of a relationship than the emotional side. Based off of what you've said, I don't think you're like that.

As ascaloth said, don't take it too hard. Part of the whole relationship thing is not letting it get you down. You never know when something's going to come your way. Everyone is different. If she (or any other girl) doesn't happen to be into you, that's fine - it's their opinion. It may sting a little, but maintain confidence in yourself. Based off of your writings I think you're a good guy, and I think you look fine. Look, I'm a straight male, so I can't expand on that, but I was a bit fearful that clicking on your picture would reveal the stereotypical otaku (overweight, huge glasses, tons of acne - no offense to anyone who matches those descriptions). You look "normal" to me. I'd imagine that plenty of girls have found you attractive. Don't worry over those details until you're dating someone and she mentions what she may or may not like.

I think you giving her facebook information was perfectly fine, once I heard it in context. Don't worry too much. I don't know whether I'd write her off as being uninterested - she may have issues that caused her to do that, we don't know. Either way, don't give up, and don't press the advantage too hard. As Ascaloth said, let it unfold naturally, although I'll break with him here and say that you can do things to shape the outcome somewhat. What sorts of things really depends on her preferences, but showing that you're an extremely kind and thoughtful guy would do it for many girls, I think. But who knows - every girl has their own unique handsome prince image, and we can't know it ahead of time. If you can't match the image... tough luck, try again

By the way, nice drawing.

[Fome]

Originally Posted by bluejazz87

Well I got the information by default. Ironically she accomplished my objective herself. That is, if she asks to be my friend on Facebook. I mean, I just wanted to really share some illustrations. We're both students with the same major. I thought it seemed reasonable. My intentions aren't cruel.

Having things in common doesn't make you made for each other. You're aren't being crude, but you are being desperate. Romantic interest usually sprouts from drifting close to someone you spend a lot of time with naturally. You don't just find some cute girl, strike up a conversation, and expect to get anywhere. I mean, I know some guys that can do that, but those are players, and you don't sound like you have that kind of skill.

[Vestus]

@bluejazz87:

I think your problem is that you're rushing things too fast and hitting on her too soon. I mean the whole Starbucks thing seemed to me like you showed a romantic interest into her. I mean you asked if you could join her. Dude, that's like inviting yourself over to someone's house. For anyone, that's a MAJOR turn-off. What you should have done was asked if she wanted to get something to eat. That way, it seems like you're inviting her over, not the other way around.

She may have felt rushed b/c you did invite yourself over in a sense. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't even be interested into a girl who tries to rush a relationship with me. Slow it down man, one step at a time. Just try to get to know her.

Also, the way you view relationships/courting is god-awful. I mean "brought to the table" wtf? Dude, I objectify women and I'm an asshole, but I don't even do that. Not to bash on you or anything, but I think relationships should be viewed as intimate friends that may lead to marriage.


EDIT: However, I am terrible with relationships to begin with.

[Samari]

Well...the insight you've all provided has been very thoughtful and kind. I suppose...I need to take another perspective at this situation and try to think things through..."logically". I'll definitely keep all of your comments in mind. Thank you.

[telperionflower]

Hey bluejazz87, I thought I’d share my thoughts on your situation. First of all, as a sort of disclaimer, I want to say that the only advice I can give you is advice that comes from my way of thinking, which will not necessarily mesh with yours, so don’t feel bad if what I say doesn’t resonate with you at all.

What's your goal in dating? Is it to find companionship with the added benefit of sexual gratification? Is it simply to find friendship? Is it to find a person who you connect with in a very deep way?

If you're looking for friendship with the added benefit of sexual gratification, it might work better to separate the two. Be friends with your friends, and go out, party, and have fun with other people who are also looking for some sexual gratification. This may or may not work for you or be what you're really looking for, but if you think that friendship with the added benefit of sexual gratification is indeed what you're looking for, it may be worthwhile to give it a try.

If you're simply looking for friendship, then I would suggest you go about it in a more natural way. You know, don't worry about getting her number, don't worry about reading into the subtle looks and things like that, don't worry about taking any opportunity to talk to her. Just let things flow naturally, like you would if you were looking for friendship with anyone (and not desperate). If you get along, you'll naturally gravitate towards one another as long as you don't push her away, and if you don't really get along too well, you won't get closer, but that will be ok.

If you're looking to find someone who you deeply connect with, someone who you can show the weaker sides of your self to, someone you can understand profoundly, someone to share your life with in a way closer than friendship, then you're probably looking for what I'm looking for in dating. Here's how I go about things:

I try to reach out to people, but also be sensitive to what they want and not be intrusive. The most important thing, I think, is to strive to express to other people who you really are. The real you. A person can't know if they get along with you if they don't know the real you, right? And, I try to start with friendship. If I spend enough time with someone as their friend, and we are kindred souls, I think that with time we will mutually discover that. It also takes some courage to tell someone how you really feel, but before it's time for that, I think you can tell that there's something there, even if you're not completely sure. Things tend to go step by step, and they do reach that point if the person is right for you. At least, that's what I believe. There are some Miyavi lyrics on this subject that I really like:

If, for example, you wish to be held by someone some night, You should gently hug the person next to you first.

"And then, if by chance you were to fall in love with someone,
If you're precious to that person you'd be loved by them too, right?

At anytime we're connected somewhere.

So
We love you,
the world loves you.

No matter how hard, just by feeling in my heart,
that you are there, I can pull through it.

We love you...
Look, the whole world, even at this very moment
Somebody loves someone.

Then
We love you,
the world loves you.

So it's ok, just the way you are, the real you.

Everyday we love you, anytime we love you."

-end of lyrics-

I honestly think that worry and fear are the biggest obstacles to overcome in the search for love (if you've searched yourself and found out what it is you truly want, that is, and if you understand that it's not good enough to want to be loved. The desire to love others must come first. But, assuming you understand that). So, my principal piece of advice would be to try not to worry about these things, try to just be happy, and let your interactions with other people go as they will, while at the same time striving to develop meaningful connections with others through sharing your feelings and listening/striving to understand the feelings of others.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by telperionflower

Hey bluejazz87, I thought I’d share my thoughts on your situation. First of all, as a sort of disclaimer, I want to say that the only advice I can give you is advice that comes from my way of thinking, which will not necessarily mesh with yours, so don’t feel bad if what I say doesn’t resonate with you at all.

What's your goal in dating? Is it to find companionship with the added benefit of sexual gratification? Is it simply to find friendship? Is it to find a person who you connect with in a very deep way?

If you're looking for friendship with the added benefit of sexual gratification, it might work better to separate the two. Be friends with your friends, and go out, party, and have fun with other people who are also looking for some sexual gratification. This may or may not work for you or be what you're really looking for, but if you think that friendship with the added benefit of sexual gratification is indeed what you're looking for, it may be worthwhile to give it a try.

If you're simply looking for friendship, then I would suggest you go about it in a more natural way. You know, don't worry about getting her number, don't worry about reading into the subtle looks and things like that, don't worry about taking any opportunity to talk to her. Just let things flow naturally, like you would if you were looking for friendship with anyone (and not desperate). If you get along, you'll naturally gravitate towards one another as long as you don't push her away, and if you don't really get along too well, you won't get closer, but that will be ok.

If you're looking to find someone who you deeply connect with, someone who you can show the weaker sides of your self to, someone you can understand profoundly, someone to share your life with in a way closer than friendship, then you're probably looking for what I'm looking for in dating. Here's how I go about things:

I try to reach out to people, but also be sensitive to what they want and not be intrusive. The most important thing, I think, is to strive to express to other people who you really are. The real you. A person can't know if they get along with you if they don't know the real you, right? And, I try to start with friendship. If I spend enough time with someone as their friend, and we are kindred souls, I think that with time we will mutually discover that. It also takes some courage to tell someone how you really feel, but before it's time for that, I think you can tell that there's something there, even if you're not completely sure. Things tend to go step by step, and they do reach that point if the person is right for you. At least, that's what I believe. There are some Miyavi lyrics on this subject that I really like:

If, for example, you wish to be held by someone some night, You should gently hug the person next to you first.

"And then, if by chance you were to fall in love with someone,
If you're precious to that person you'd be loved by them too, right?

At anytime we're connected somewhere.

So
We love you,
the world loves you.

No matter how hard, just by feeling in my heart,
that you are there, I can pull through it.

We love you...
Look, the whole world, even at this very moment
Somebody loves someone.

Then
We love you,
the world loves you.

So it's ok, just the way you are, the real you.

Everyday we love you, anytime we love you."

-end of lyrics-

I honestly think that worry and fear are the biggest obstacles to overcome in the search for love (if you've searched yourself and found out what it is you truly want, that is, and if you understand that it's not good enough to want to be loved. The desire to love others must come first. But, assuming you understand that). So, my principal piece of advice would be to try not to worry about these things, try to just be happy, and let your interactions with other people go as they will, while at the same time striving to develop meaningful connections with others through sharing your feelings and listening/striving to understand the feelings of others.

Wow...umm...now that I think of I'm not exactly sure what I desire. I think I know. It's not the aspect of striving for someone to just have sexual relations with or any of that matter. If I had to put it into words...I suppose...well let me tell you this way. I guess for the longest time (I've been single for practically forever) I've seen others be together and share an experience that looks just wonderful. Heh, I'm trying to avoid using the term "love", but it seems like that's inevitable at this point.

With the current girl I'm "pursuing", I think I've met someone who seems to share a lot of the same interests as I do, and someone who seems like they could be a good person to get to know. I'd be lying if I told you that part of my intentions weren't trying to get to know this individual in a way that wouldn't go beyond friendship. Truth is, I believe what I want out of this whole situation, is someone to cherish, and someone to share a lot of deep emotion with. Of course, I'd accept friendship from this person rather than nothing.

I'm not sure if that all makes sense, but...I don't know if I can describe it any better.

[telperionflower]

Originally Posted by bluejazz87

Wow...umm...now that I think of I'm not exactly sure what I desire. I think I know. It's not the aspect of striving for someone to just have sexual relations with or any of that matter. If I had to put it into words...I suppose...well let me tell you this way. I guess for the longest time (I've been single for practically forever) I've seen others be together and share an experience that looks just wonderful. Heh, I'm trying to avoid using the term "love", but it seems like that's inevitable at this point.

With the current girl I'm "pursuing", I think I've met someone who seems to share a lot of the same interests as I do, and someone who seems like they could be a good person to get to know. I'd be lying if I told you that part of my intentions weren't trying to get to know this individual in a way that wouldn't go beyond friendship. Truth is, I believe what I want out of this whole situation, is someone to cherish, and someone to share a lot of deep emotion with. Of course, I'd accept friendship from this person rather than nothing.

I'm not sure if that all makes sense, but...I don't know if I can describe it any better.

That makes sense.

[Samari]

She just asked to be my friend on Facebook. I accepted. Well...any advice from this point on?

[xris]

Originally Posted by bluejazz87

She just asked to be my friend on Facebook. I accepted. Well...any advice from this point on?

A point I would like to make is that being friends does not automatically have romantic connotations.

Very often, males (especially teenage males) seems to think that any sort of friendship shown by a girl is equal to romantic interest. Sometimes (very often) all the girl is looking for is friendshp, and that has nothing to do with romance (let alone anything more).

[Samari]

Originally Posted by xris

A point I would like to make is that being friends does not automatically have romantic connotations.

Very often, males (especially teenage males) seems to think that any sort of friendship shown by a girl is equal to romantic interest. Sometimes (very often) all the girl is looking for is friendshp, and that has nothing to do with romance (let alone anything more).

Oh yeah I know, I know. She just wants to be my friend...I think. And at this point, now that I've taken a step back and realized some things, that's all I should be concerned about.

[Ledgem]

xris offered dating advice! Amazing!!

As others have said, don't push it, but don't just sit back and do nothing. Some girls would want a higher relationship with you based off of first impressions. For others, feeling that someone is interested in you can have a very strong impact. I've blabbed my story a few times on the forum so this may be redundant to you, but I'm with my girlfriend (for two years now) because of that. We met and had completely no interest in each other based off of first impressions. A misunderstanding led her to believe that I had an interest in her, which caused her to have an interest in me and learn more about me. She liked what she saw, and started pursuing me. I was clueless during this whole process, mind you, and it wasn't until maybe a month after she'd been after me that my sister pointed it out. Once it was pointed out, I started to have an interest in her.

I think it's easier to tip males toward having an interest, but I'm saying that as a male. Establish at least a ground friendship first, and then you can start to be charming if you want.

I think telperionflower's post was very good but I disagreed with that last part. The big things to overcome aren't really fear - for many it's the strong desire to have a relationship. That desire makes your thoughts unclear and causes you to behave abnormally around certain girls. It also generates a feeling of loneliness, which feeds into making the desire even stronger. The problem is that when you're in that sort of a state, you're probably decreasing your chances of being able to get into a relationship at all, but you're also increasing your chances of getting into a bad relationship. I'm largely speaking from my own experiences, but I've heard enough people express similar sentiments that I believe it's a common feeling.

American dating culture doesn't help, either. I didn't start dating until I was basically a month away from being 20 years old. In truth, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I can remember people in middle school "dating" (put in quotes as I'm not sure I'd classify it as really dating at that point). So it's not just the fact that you desire the companionship and all of a relationship, but that you become self-aware that you are the age you are, and you haven't dated even once. From a psychological standpoint more relationships is definitely not better, and I think we know deep down that it doesn't matter what age you start or how many you go through as long as you get the right one, but it's hard. It's a game of waiting and uncertainty, knowing that you have little to no control over what will happen. It's a very unsettling feeling, especially when you want it.

I'm not a religious person, but this is where the concept of faith comes into play. Control what aspects you can (your appearence, perhaps hobbies and interests, personality, charm, and the type of people you meet and the places you go - you won't meet anyone by staying in your room the whole time!), and then for the rest, you need to let go. Don't be so concerned with forcing relationships, but if you have an opportunity to talk to a girl, seize it. Don't chase anyone, but be observant and note whether you're being chased or when you can escalate a relationship. Above all, you need to control your desire and try to be content as you are. If you're in that state, you'll better be able to move forward on the relationship front.

[telperionflower]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

xris
The big things to overcome aren't really fear - for many it's the strong desire to have a relationship. That desire makes your thoughts unclear and causes you to behave abnormally around certain girls. It also generates a feeling of loneliness, which feeds into making the desire even stronger. The problem is that when you're in that sort of a state, you're probably decreasing your chances of being able to get into a relationship at all, but you're also increasing your chances of getting into a bad relationship. I'm largely speaking from my own experiences, but I've heard enough people express similar sentiments that I believe it's a common feeling.

American dating culture doesn't help, either. I didn't start dating until I was basically a month away from being 20 years old. In truth, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I can remember people in middle school "dating" (put in quotes as I'm not sure I'd classify it as really dating at that point). So it's not just the fact that you desire the companionship and all of a relationship, but that you become self-aware that you are the age you are, and you haven't dated even once. From a psychological standpoint more relationships is definitely not better, and I think we know deep down that it doesn't matter what age you start or how many you go through as long as you get the right one, but it's hard. It's a game of waiting and uncertainty, knowing that you have little to no control over what will happen. It's a very unsettling feeling, especially when you want it.

Ya, you're probably right about that.

[Samari]

Originally Posted by Ledgem

xris offered dating advice! Amazing!!

As others have said, don't push it, but don't just sit back and do nothing. Some girls would want a higher relationship with you based off of first impressions. For others, feeling that someone is interested in you can have a very strong impact. I've blabbed my story a few times on the forum so this may be redundant to you, but I'm with my girlfriend (for two years now) because of that. We met and had completely no interest in each other based off of first impressions. A misunderstanding led her to believe that I had an interest in her, which caused her to have an interest in me and learn more about me. She liked what she saw, and started pursuing me. I was clueless during this whole process, mind you, and it wasn't until maybe a month after she'd been after me that my sister pointed it out. Once it was pointed out, I started to have an interest in her.

I think it's easier to tip males toward having an interest, but I'm saying that as a male. Establish at least a ground friendship first, and then you can start to be charming if you want.

I think telperionflower's post was very good but I disagreed with that last part. The big things to overcome aren't really fear - for many it's the strong desire to have a relationship. That desire makes your thoughts unclear and causes you to behave abnormally around certain girls. It also generates a feeling of loneliness, which feeds into making the desire even stronger. The problem is that when you're in that sort of a state, you're probably decreasing your chances of being able to get into a relationship at all, but you're also increasing your chances of getting into a bad relationship. I'm largely speaking from my own experiences, but I've heard enough people express similar sentiments that I believe it's a common feeling.

American dating culture doesn't help, either. I didn't start dating until I was basically a month away from being 20 years old. In truth, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I can remember people in middle school "dating" (put in quotes as I'm not sure I'd classify it as really dating at that point). So it's not just the fact that you desire the companionship and all of a relationship, but that you become self-aware that you are the age you are, and you haven't dated even once. From a psychological standpoint more relationships is definitely not better, and I think we know deep down that it doesn't matter what age you start or how many you go through as long as you get the right one, but it's hard. It's a game of waiting and uncertainty, knowing that you have little to no control over what will happen. It's a very unsettling feeling, especially when you want it.

I'm not a religious person, but this is where the concept of faith comes into play. Control what aspects you can (your appearence, perhaps hobbies and interests, personality, charm, and the type of people you meet and the places you go - you won't meet anyone by staying in your room the whole time!), and then for the rest, you need to let go. Don't be so concerned with forcing relationships, but if you have an opportunity to talk to a girl, seize it. Don't chase anyone, but be observant and note whether you're being chased or when you can escalate a relationship. Above all, you need to control your desire and try to be content as you are. If you're in that state, you'll better be able to move forward on the relationship front.

Thank you. I think I know what you mean. It's just...difficult for me to be content after being patient for quite some time. But I will try and learn to control what I can and learn my limitations of that control.

[Ledgem]

Originally Posted by bluejazz87

Thank you. I think I know what you mean. It's just...difficult for me to be content after being patient for quite some time. But I will try and learn to control what I can and learn my limitations of that control.

I probably experienced exactly what you're going through. I started thinking that maybe if I didn't date before I was 20, I'd be single forever. It probably contributed to issues with self-confidence. I'm not the party type, and yet it seemed like the social scene at my university was all about parties and alcohol. Even if I could meet a girl, how would it have worked out? Would I have to change myself so drastically so that we'd be compatible? Then I met a very attractive girl, and even better, I had some connections to her. She and I shared some interests. It started to eat away at me, and when I finally made up my mind to ask her out, it took me a week. It was pure torture. When I finally willed up the courage, she gently rejected me.

That was the first time I'd asked a girl out, and I guess that just getting it out of my system was comforting in and of itself. In hindsight, I went about it the wrong way. But hindsight also affords me the knowledge that she was definitely not my type. After that experience I became a bit more confident, and I don't remember being quite so desperate. That was almost three years ago - amazing how much has changed.

Remember what you're going through now. Once you get into a relationship, it all feels like being single was a dream. And there are times when you take what you have for granted. I feel ashamed and guilty to say it, but I know there have been times when I have. When you remember how it felt before the relationship, I think it makes you appreciate it more.

Either way, I'm really pulling for you. It may sound ridiculous, but I'm really looking forward to the day when you post back to us and tell us that something clicked and now you're happily together with someone. And perhaps then you'll be beating me to making posts about how things just happen, and relationships can form under the most random of circumstances - even when you're not actively looking for one.