2012-09-27, 00:41
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Link #10761 | ||
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Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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You could also try to talk about relationships. Talk about how being single sucks, at which point you'll likely learn more about her. Failing that you can just chicken out and Facebook stalk her. There are relationship status's listed for a reason... Quote:
Put it this way, how would you feel about a girl you're mercy dating? Pity isn't a great basis for a relationship. Most girls want guys with a bit of backbone. In fact, it's true the other way around too... |
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2012-09-27, 01:02
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Link #10762 | |
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思想工作
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Vereinigte Staaten
Age: 31
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 Not that I thought about dating her or anything but I still felt that I'd lost something when she said that.
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2012-09-27, 07:18
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Link #10763 | |
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Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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2012-09-27, 11:09
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Link #10764 |
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Unleashing the Homu-Rage
Join Date: Apr 2010
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I wasn't entirely serious about the mercy date thing, just having one of those times. Really, I don't have that low self-esteem, I was just feeling down at the time.
Part to do with the fact that I just found out not one but two of the (very few) girls I found attractive in my anime club were already taken. Hence to easy way to tell if she has a bf question Ahhh... Well, otaku girls are a rare breed, but surely not so rare that they are all already taken. And then, there are always other common interests... I'm sure I'll find someone, even if I have to wait a few years. But anyway, thanks for the advice. |
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2012-09-27, 13:31
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Link #10765 |
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Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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Having similar pop-cultural interests is over-rated.
It's more important that you share similar personalities. I would say it's a good idea to share aesthetic sensibilities though. A guy who likes bold lines and primary colours shouldn't go out with a girl who loves things to be florid. |
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2012-09-28, 07:49
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Link #10766 | |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: United States--- California
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 But then again knowing some pop-culture stuff will make you look cooler.
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2012-09-29, 15:04
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Link #10768 | |
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Battoru!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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The depressing thing about relationships and human nature in general is that people tend to desire things which are already desired by others (even though they are unwilling to share something they think is possessed by others). So unfortunately, you're best option is to deceive other people into thinking that you are desirable and that your lack of having had a girlfriend is merely due to ome other reason than your desirability. This may seem like lying, and in a sense it is, but the sad truth is that in romance you have to be a bit cold and ruthless (though I would never advice you to do anything truly cruel). People treat each other like crap in relationships, and if you think its cruel not having a relationship, be warned, actually dating somebody can be far crueler still. But back to your original question. If you give the impression that you are single IN SPITE of your desperate desire to have a girlfriend, the reaction you'll get from 90% of normal girls out there is: creepy, creepy, creepy, run the hell away. I mean, that's basically like saying all you want is a girlfriend and that you'll attach yourself to basically anyone. That's not going to make a girl feel wanted or make her desire you. In spite of the fact that women usually sleep with sociopathic assholes who don't care about their feelings, they still want to feel special. In the case of said assholes, they feel special to be with someone so desirable, but I'm sorry, their just not gonna feel that way about you until you become an epic player School Days style. For you, the way to make them feel special is to make them feel like they are one of the only people you've ever confessed to ad that this is a very special moment for you too. But the important thing is, they can't think you are inexperienced just because you're afraid of women or you're unattractive or something like that. You need to create the impression that you're lack of experience is due to some deeply held conviction and that they are the only one who is able to sway your strong feelings. That will really make them feel special. To sell something like this, it really helps to be well dressed, intelligent, have nice/toned muscles, and have plenty of money. I don't mean to disparage your feelings with this cynical post, because those feelings totally legitimate. The way romance is conducted is totally ridiculous, unfair, cruel, deceptive. It would be a much better world if we could honestly tell each other our feelings and not be judged based on someone else's fears and misconceptions, but that is not the world we live in, unfortunately. At some point you either have to face this fact or you will only continue to fail. EDIT And remember, its ok to aim high if you're willing to settle for something low. |
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2012-09-29, 15:20
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Link #10769 | |
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Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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You have to think that she'd be lucky to go out with such an amazing guy. |
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2012-09-29, 17:59
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Link #10770 | |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: London, England
Age: 37
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And to stress, if you talk about your lonely past right away it is likely to make her feel uncomfortable. I am not saying to lie about your past, simply do not mention it unless asked and even then do not make a big thing of it. Just tell it as it is as a matter of fact. Also a final point, do not get caught up in leagues and what league you are. Be confident and most important be yourself. Granted what I said is easier said than done but you need to be comfortable in your own skin before you pursue relationships. |
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2012-09-30, 07:21
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Link #10771 |
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Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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It's a bit like a job interview. You wouldn't mention that your last boss fired you for being a lazy layabout who stole from the till, would you?
Likewise, you don't mention past failures on a first date with a GF. You might mention them once you're committed to one another but more in a "I used to be so stupid..." kind of way. |
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2012-09-30, 23:48
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Link #10772 | |
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Unleashing the Homu-Rage
Join Date: Apr 2010
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As for that matter, I am sure I'm not THAT unattractive, at least not physically or intellectually, sure I'm far from muscular, and I don't have lots of money, but I am intelligent. I just have to play to my strengths. And as for the whole idea of the world being unfair, cruel, deceptive. Trust me, I know. I probably shouldn't have said this to a girl (although we still get on OK, even if we're not dating), but this exemplifies that notion: "You say break up, I say opportunity." Also, what exactly do you mean by aiming high if your willing to settle for something low? Are you implying that I should expect myself to end up with someone I don't find attractive, that I should expect myself to be discontented with my love/sex life? |
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2012-10-01, 05:51
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Link #10773 | |
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The Most Hated™
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: A random coordinate on the space-time continuum
Age: 36
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Random answer. Don't ask that question. Leave the subject alone. Ignore it if she says she has one. It is called a "shit-test". she tests you how you handle the unexpected.(maybe she has one or not...you'll never know) The thing is you have to avoid the subject. If she is interested in you then she will dump her BF for you. If she hesitates then leave her alone find another one... "mercy date" interesting idea.....if it would work......All my schoolmates knew about how unfortunate i was and couldn't even hook up with anyone so if a mercy date would work then i would have had one. BUT telling the girl about yourself in that pathetic manner is only going to get you friend zoned. (no offense) no girl wants a weeping guy. even if she goes out with you a couple of times she will dump you. and that is going to hurt a lot more than being single. i know i am a sentimental guy too, i open myself easily to others(very bad habit) but believe me, try to act cool despite your situation and it will work out. concentrate on what you are good at and go out in the world and soon love will be there for you. good thing i give these advice...even though i always stay at home and wish for my life to change and not move a muscle.....such a hypocrite i am. You (and I) need to go out in the city to meet new people../ do something you never done before... go for a jog for example or do something other and if you see someone you fancy don't hesitate to walk up to her and start a conversation....it doesn't neccesarily have to be a girl. one time i went jogging and i came across a small group with a dog. and the dog came to me. i patted his head and started talking to the group....things like these will give you confidence.... Now it is time i get on my feet....stop sulking and get myself a very cute and loving girlfriend.....(you need to pump yourself like this many many many times)
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2012-10-01, 10:20
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Link #10774 | |
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This is my title.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Philippines
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I would say NEVER do that. That definitely won't work. It's like asking for pity and makes you look so desperate. A girl can use and abuse you. In the case of this one person I know, he did tell me about past failures, and yes, I friendzoned him but he seems very comfortable in the zone though. ^^; the reason he's comfortable in there is because I value friendship above other kinds of relationships, particularly a romantic one. So when I keep a friend, that friend gets a lot from me. of course, he still wishes for a romantic relationship. He's pretty determined, and I'd say that's a good thing. But never use past failures as leverage. The wrong girl could take advantage of it.
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Last edited by Pink Cow; 2012-10-01 at 10:31. |
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2012-10-01, 18:31
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Link #10775 | |
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Battoru!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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Let me answer the last question first, because I don't want you to think that I'm saying anyone should expect to be discontented in their sex lives. I guess what I'm really saying is that, when I was inexperienced sexually, I chased after women who represented physical and emotional ideals, because I thought that was what I wanted. Looking back on it, I think I would have been happier if I had chased after women more like myself: flawed in some regards and outstanding in others. Instead I caused myself a lot of pain by repeatedly chasing after women who I now see were transparently incompatible with myself. It's true that some of these girls who I now see as totally incompatible were very attractive, and it is easier to say that they were bad news now then it would have been to stop my dumb self at the time when I had a hard-on for them. But it's important to be sure that you see girls for how their personalities really are and make sure that you're not just inflecting your wants on someone incompatible with them/you, just because of how you feel about them emotionally. I'm sorry if I came off to you as sounding superior or like I was talking down to you. I don't think I'm a better person than anyone else because I've copulated with lots of women. I feel like the shellshocked survivor of many harrowing emotional experiences, much more so than I feel in any way triumphant. I just have a lot of experience with the vicissitudes of romance and so I thought that my advice might be helpful to you in your own experiences, but it also might be completely incompatible to your own situation. I can see you are a cool and intelligent guy. I dunno if you made it, but your Madoka avatar is awesome and clearly indicates that you have good taste and use discretion. It just also seems like you are maybe a little inexperienced and that your own eager emotions might be getting the better of you. Heartfelt feelings are of course the most important thing, but it's also important to look at things more pragmatically as well. It's great that you have confidence. Confidence is very important. But remember that a common mistake of brave, confident, inexperienced people is to courageously rush into a blunder because they haven't thought about it enough. Anyways, the cynical thing I said about muscles, looks, brains and money was definitely extremely cynical, but there is some truth to this. Brains and money is very difficult to change, so you're lucky to be blessed with a good brain. Looks can be difficult to fix, but I really meant what I said about the muscles. If you want to get laid, then it really helps to be a little bit muscular. You don't have to look like an action hero or pro-footballer. A lot of girls are turned off by that. But a muscular, attractive, toned, physique (like Brad Pitt or Gerard Butler or Russel Crowe) is attainable and something you pursue? Also, don't you want to be physically strong? I guess to be honest, I've always been motivated by the desire to be stronger (like a bad shounen character) and have chased after that goal for most of my life, so a good body is always something that I had as a side-effect of my own desires and mentality. I know it's not the same if you have no desire to say, cut down honeysuckle bushes with one slice of a machete, or beat someone in a street fight. But I can tell you, from my perspective, women are depressingly transparent about how much they like my muscles. Don't get me wrong, personality is still far more important in determining relationship compatibility, but things like muscles can be a big asset, especially if you are interested in things like one night stands and casual sex relationships. Anyways, I don't want to make anyone feel discouraged. If you pursue what you want, you will get it in the end (at least if it is something as mundane as finding love and getting laid). I wish you the best of luck and honestly hope my advice is helpful, or, if it isn't helpful, you can see it is worthless to you and disregard it. |
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2012-10-01, 20:03
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Link #10776 | |
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Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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Quote:
Also, having few muscles is only a problem if you think it's a problem. If you think your lack of muscles is holding you back, you'll see proof of it everywhere (just like the teenaged girl obsessing over her nose, no one else actually cares...). Personally I take pride in my utter lack of muscles. It's taken years of dedication to an idle lifestyle to get my limbs into such a pristine scrawny state. Anyway, building muscles seems like a boring and useless pastime. Unless your work involves physical labour, I don't see the point. Heck, if your work involves physical labour, you don't need to do any body building anyway... Personally, I think the path to showing off your masculinity is facial hair. All these clean shaven guys are just pretty boys too afraid to let their testosterone show on their faces. But to be serious, getting a girl (or boy) friend isn't rocket science. It's the same process as making a really good friend, except you just go a bit farther. Do you obsess over whether you're good enough when you're hitting it off with a really amazing guy? No, you play it cool. The same goes for women. You just need to remember, she's the one who has to interest you, not the other way around. And if you find her interesting, and she finds you interesting ... 
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2012-10-01, 22:00
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Link #10777 | |
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Unleashing the Homu-Rage
Join Date: Apr 2010
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No problem, we all get depressed from time to time. As per the discontent, I'm sure I'll find a girlfriend, or at least a "friend with benefits" who I find attractive. As you said, If I pursue it, I'll find it. Admittedly some annoying side effects of Asperger's Syndrome, in addition to the social deficit, such as still living at home and not being able to drive yet (but I will probably learn soon), may prove intitial obstacles. But even then, I might be able to find my way around those obstacles. As per your think about sex vs a relationship, at times I want one, at times another, I guess I really want both, but isn't that what we all want. I suspect if I haven't had any success in a few years, I might try online dating services (of either the conventional or the "adult" variety). I mean, I'm not ashamed to admit that I have certain "fantasies" that I will not describe here that I want to fulfill (at least the realistic ones). I actually checked out dating service offering profiles with people interested in one of them, and there are plenty out there, and mostly in their upper 20s to 30s, so at 23 I have plenty of time. And besides, I have a more positive outlook normally. I know I'm moving slowly, but I'm moving forward. Every second is one second closer. Asperger's can slow me down, but it can't stop me! Also, as per my Madoka avatar, no, I did not make it, It was from request thread, but still, thanks for the compliment. Speaking of Madoka, one measure of how far I've come is that now, unlike in highschool, If Kyubey walked into my room, offering me the perfect girlfriend/sex partner, I would simply take a sword I own off the holder on my desk and go Homura on his ass, rather than end up as a cross between Sayaka and School Days... Also, I've clearly come a long way as I can now laugh about my problems. Also, random thought, lol at placing this thread under "pairings" and "moe" tags. Last edited by SPARTAN 119; 2012-10-01 at 23:31. |
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2012-10-02, 02:36
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Link #10778 | |
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World's Greatest
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Francisco
Age: 36
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And you should get to know someone before you decide if you want to go out with them. From the sound of it, it seems like you are in a hurry to have a date. Why? Honestly what the hell are you rushing for? Oh and if you want to know if someone has a boyfriend, you can just ask. After you get to know them a little better that is. By that time you'll know if you even want to spend more time with that person.
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2012-10-02, 06:20
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Link #10779 | |
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Knight Errant
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Age: 35
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Quote:
A lot of us don't personally know anyone who we feel interested in dating. That's wh we go out with perfect strangers (either through online dating, speed dating, blind dating etc.). On the date with the perfect stranger we see how we get along. If you get along well, you keep dating. If you don't get along, well thankfully you'll never have to see them again because they're a perfect stranger! |
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2012-10-02, 18:46
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Link #10780 | ||
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Love Yourself
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Northeast USA
Age: 38
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As to "not that muscular" - that's fine, but go to the gym. Do it regularly, and go multiple times per week (I like the "every other day" schedule) You're probably not going to put on much muscle or even tone yourself in any short amount of time, but I guarantee this: go there, spend 30-60 minutes building up a sweat and pushing yourself until you feel sore, and you will feel great. You'll feel even better when you wake up the next morning and have trouble moving, thanks to your sore muscles. There's something about physically pushing your limits that is rewarding, as is seeing progress, but there's more to it than that. The idea that you're improving your body, or perhaps even just the idea that you work out, will improve your self-image and your confidence. It may not work for everyone, but I've heard it stated many times by people who were "shy nerds" or "quiet and bullied" that it changed their self-perception and attitudes. I've tried it for myself and felt it, so I'm a believer. There are also plenty of studies indicating that exercise is a good mood-enhancer and depression fighter Win-win!Quote:
But speaking of grandparents, I remember how my grandmother once remarked - in response to my mention of my girlfriend - about how I should have multiple girlfriends at one time  Different standards for different times, I suppose! Or perhaps that's just how she thought that all of us youngsters are doing it these days...
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| Tags |
| advice, break-ups, dating, dating after divorce, divorce, happiness, love, pairings, single dad, single mom |
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