2012-08-07, 12:34 | Link #1 |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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恋愛の少年少女 / 私の姉は死神で! (Ren'ai no Shoujo Shounen / Watashi No Ane wa Shinigami de! )
Thinking of writing a LN right now with some ideas. See how it goes.
Spoiler for Prologue:
Spoiler for Characters:
Spoiler for Terminology:
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Last edited by SaintessHeart; 2012-10-31 at 11:20. |
2012-09-19, 03:36 | Link #2 |
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
Author
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 66
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Okay, I found this amusing once I understood the format you were using for dialog/thoughts/descriptions. Good dialog, easily understood action sequences.
Hey, if we can get several people writing entertaining Light Novels, we might warrant our own subforum
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2012-09-20, 14:13 | Link #6 | |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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And no, I still prefer lolis. Another thing, I am shelving this for the time being because of ridiculous work commitments thanks to a major local event. I tried continuing last week but hit a writer's block.....will update you guys over VM once EP02 is out.
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2012-10-31, 11:08 | Link #7 |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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Finally I had the mood to format and write a new chapter. Read the previous one here.
Spoiler for CHAPTER 01:
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Last edited by SaintessHeart; 2012-11-01 at 03:35. |
2012-10-31, 12:25 | Link #9 | ||
♪~Deculture~♪ (✿◠‿◠)
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Various Pocket Dimensions
Age: 30
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Fun read, worth the wait!
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Well really...I thought it was good for the most part, aside from maybe an awkward phrase somewhere in there. Not really too much of a critic or in depth sort of guy (well okay I might just be being lazy here....) I like the characters. Btw what genres are a part of this story? Comedy, romantic, supernatural? Looking forward to the next update when you have the time to write more!
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2012-10-31, 13:41 | Link #10 |
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
Author
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 66
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The rude boy needs some after shoved down explanation rather than just vanishing ... that was the only real hole I caught on first read. More description of the female police officer to warrant the leering More description of Hana when we first meet her.
Maybe a bit more connectivity between characters in the early part - this is a problem I often have: too many pronouns and not enough "who this is in relation to others". Example: on first read through, I couldn't distinguish between "rude boy" and "hospitalized boy", momentary confusion. Once we've got Hana and Sansou alone - everything read well and was clear. We start to see why these are interesting characters we'd want to know more about. I'm probably my own worst critic, I'm still rewriting my first 10 chapters because they're awkward and too sketchy to me when I read them
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2012-11-01, 03:42 | Link #11 | ||||||||||
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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Her mood swing is her soft spot - because she is a Grade A Reaper, she has that superiority complex. Sansou, given his past in his conversations with Ichirou, probably encountered and dealt with that many times before. Quote:
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Actually, I have no idea what to do with the boy because he is only a side character. Quote:
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I fixed the writing a little. Quote:
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I am planning to keep Hana a mystery that she doesn't even know herself. After all, she is one of the main characters with some sort of older-sister relation to Kakerou; other than her being a sarcastic and spiteful little reaper (like Kuroneko from OreImo and Noir from Dog Days), I am still thinking of ways to make her personality more prominent. And no, this is not going to be incest related. Quote:
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Besides, I think your writing is more consistent than mine. I had lots of plotholes to patch at this moment.
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2012-11-01, 04:22 | Link #12 |
Obey the Darkly Cute ...
Author
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: On the whole, I'd rather be in Kyoto ...
Age: 66
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Ah, when I say "more description of Hana" - I meant physical. What does Sanshou *see*? Eyes, hair, skin, clothing, colors, facial expression, etc.? This goes in, general. You could probably double the size of the chapter just by adding more descriptions of what characters see, how they move, etc.
As for the rude boy ... just a quick line about another officer removing him roughly or something... or at least a fearful angry expression with grudging silence ... just some reaction to being shoved on his ass.
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2012-11-01, 07:11 | Link #13 | ||
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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Quote:
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2012-11-01, 09:21 | Link #14 | ||
♪~Deculture~♪ (✿◠‿◠)
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Various Pocket Dimensions
Age: 30
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Vexx is right...a physical description of Hana would help for when Sansou encountered her. I somehow ended up imagining her as some flat chested, green hair loli ready to stab the poor monk. Which was slightly terrifying in a way.
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2012-11-01, 14:46 | Link #15 |
Onee!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Auckland, NZ
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Nonono, she's an Onee san! Therefore she has to be a long haired, dark mysterious beauty who..
..wait.. Yeah, a description would be nice. Also, that boy is a dick and needs to get beaten up in every subsequent scene he appears in. Just saying.
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2012-11-01, 19:15 | Link #17 |
Banned
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My comment.
I want to kill the boy. Is he a character or just an extra?? I find the bath room scene a bit short... add more details.... *Keeps holding his nose while typing with the other hand....Sh*t not now... Anyway, I really liked it... Keep it up Sir,... and add some more fan service.... guehehehe |
2013-03-27, 08:39 | Link #18 |
NYAAAAHAAANNNNN~
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 35
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恋愛の少年少女 (Ren'ai no Shounen Shoujo)
I can't believe I actually wrote a one-shot shoujo LN.
Cast : 香美 空幻(Koumi Kuugen) 月槍 星南(Tsukiyari Seinan) 綴る記 パッチ(Tsuzuruki Patchy) I'll continue writing my other one soon. Thanks for the motivation people. Especially to the MCs I have based on.
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Last edited by SaintessHeart; 2013-03-27 at 08:52. |
Tags |
based on true events, cute puppy love, shoujo, trap-shota, tsundere x kuudere |
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