2009-09-29, 01:06 | Link #20081 |
Homo Ludens
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Age: 34
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Stop bitching. I have a life too.
Spoiler for September the Fifth, Day 4: Hallway- The Ponytailed Girl, Again/Hallway- The Pretty Girl, Again:
These are pretty much the same scene, just with Kyon's conclusion to the events being totally different. The reason for this is because of how Kyon is introduced to each of them originally... whereas he sees Kyonko as just some girl just stealing his shoes, he immediately suspects that Itsuko is important. This, in turn, is because Itsuko is the hottest thing in this game, and Kyon is very, very shallow. Last edited by Tyabann; 2009-10-02 at 01:32. |
2009-09-29, 01:34 | Link #20082 |
Lucky Bastard
Join Date: Oct 2007
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Back from the dead to give a few comments, take it as you may Kaisos. University will be the end of me!
Good write-up. I love the dialogue in this one, especially Itsuko's fourth-wall-shattering remark. Pacing is good too. I love how different yet similar the tone is between Kyon's narration and Kyonko's. Good job. However, something has bugged me ever since you posted the parts full of green text a few months(?) ago: you seem to like it a lot... Perhaps a little too much? Especially when Kyonko's turning crazy. I understand the tone and rhythm is part of the narrative... But if you slip key plot elements in there, there's a big risk people will do like I did on my first read-up: they'll skip most of it. LONG LIVE THE GREEN, but keep the reader in mind. Find me a 16-year-old boy who isn't shallow in some way. People tend to forget Kyon's actual age... The guy's just full of hormones! |
2009-09-29, 01:43 | Link #20084 | ||
Homo Ludens
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Age: 34
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And we planned to make the Greentext intrusive... maybe I'll have the programmers make it immune to the Ctrl key. Quote:
Why does he talk to Haruhi in the first place? Because he wants to ask her out. Why does he pay so much attention to Mikuru? Because she's hot. Why does he hate Koizumi? Because he's not a girl. Kyon IS a good person, but my god is he shallow. |
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2009-09-29, 01:48 | Link #20085 | |
Lucky Bastard
Join Date: Oct 2007
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Anyways, green text is not that annoying, but I just feel it was overused in those scenes. It just went from ominous to slightly obnoxious. |
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2009-09-29, 02:05 | Link #20086 | |
Lucky Bastard
Join Date: Oct 2007
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Anyways, what irks me about the green text is not how intrusive it is: it's the sheer volume of seemingly useless GOING CRAZY banter. I think I know what you want to accomplish... But I know most people will skim it and miss plot points, or just plain ignoreit (if you make it too annoying). The scene is still very early into the novel, when there's no big emotional investment in the work yet. You're in danger of losing readers altogether if you make it too obnoxious. This is a matter of writing style, I guess. (Sorry if I sound judgemental, Kaisos. I'm a Communications student, so this is pretty much applied theory. It's fun to do! ) Can't argue with that, just stating it's a very common flaw in his age range. Last edited by Antenor; 2009-09-29 at 02:15. Reason: 3AM, second langage, do the math. |
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2009-09-29, 02:17 | Link #20087 | |
Homo Ludens
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Age: 34
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I'm not toning it down at this stage. The game rarely gets that bad ever again, and the entire scene, as a whole, is a plot point in and of itself. The text is line by line, as well. It's... a lot more difficult to skim that way, in all honesty. If you have other recommendations, especially on how to make that scene not boring, then I'd be glad to hear them. For example, how exactly is it "obnoxious"? |
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2009-09-29, 02:43 | Link #20089 | |
Artist
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2009-09-29, 02:54 | Link #20090 | |
Lucky Bastard
Join Date: Oct 2007
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Anyways, I need some sleep... The complete answer -- with proof! -- will have to wait, sorry. |
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2009-09-29, 03:10 | Link #20091 | ||
Senior Member
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Also, somewhat interesting how you compressed "Missing Shoes" in a single line, insted a whole scene. There is one more thing is buging me since a few scenes ago. In The Answers (IV), we learn Itsuko make contact with the Organization. She obviously don't see any problem talking with people from the other world, as long they are not Suzumiya. She even censored Kyonko and Yuuki for fleeing, when it would be more simpler stay and talk. But then, why she did hide her identity from Kyon (beside plot device, I mean)? Wouldn't be better for her just call him for a chat and explain everyting? Quote:
I am far from being an avarage reader, tough. This might be because the scene is too long. Making the reading kinda tiresome for me. And, as Kaisos said, in the actuall game is harder to miss anything. |
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2009-09-29, 03:45 | Link #20092 | |
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1. She already told Taniguchi and Kunikida that her name was Yamada and she made the connection early on that those two were probably the same as Kyonko's friends. She obviously knew who Kyon was and would also suspect that he would share a class with Taniguchi and Kunikida on this side as well. So, in order to remove any confusion down the road, she has decided to use the fake name for the time being. 2. It's obvious that sometime prior to meeting Kyon on the street that morning, Itsuko contacted Itsuki's Organization. There was no way for her to have made contact during her previous jump to the other side where she met Taniguchi and Kunikida, so it must have been the night after the final ripple. It's possible the Organization requested/suggested that she not give out her true identity to anyone. Since Kyonko had given her the name Yamada previously, it would make sense that she would just roll with that to alleviate confusion. |
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2009-09-29, 03:54 | Link #20093 | ||
Senior Member
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2009-09-29, 04:09 | Link #20094 |
Homo Ludens
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Age: 34
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I think it's just that they don't think Kyon really needs to know about this at the current time, until they determine for certain if Itsuko is really who and what she says she is.
An optional scene on Day 5 will kind of address this, actually. Spoiler for September the Fifth, Day 4: Hallway: A Familiar Laugh:
I would remind everyone, or inform those who don't know, to keep in mind that this scene normally only triggers after you've beaten six routes, though this restriction will be removed for the demo. I'm not actually that pleased with how this turned out, but what can you do, it's too early and I'm sleep-deprived and exhibiting the physical symptoms of stress. Enjoy. And yes, I am a proponent of the Kansai dialect = Southern drawl translation convention. (Those who have been paying attention up till now should draw a fair few conclusions from this scene, heh.) |
2009-09-29, 06:18 | Link #20098 | |
Sensei, aishite imasu
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Hong Kong Shatterdome
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