Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[Lhklan]

Uh, yeah. Starting a fic with praise about your OC is usually NOT a good way to do it.
And then there's the new dimensional power. TSAB have over 50 years and their forces got massacred? That they're unskilled and lack in technology? I'm calling BS. Not to mention, since this Rald Party opposed the Hybrid Weaponry project in the first place, why the fuck did they even keep them?

[Kireen]

^ Yeah,I agree, it's not exactly the best start, and it's also mentioned in canon that the TSAB is short handed, they never said anything about them lacking skill and techology, but it's also true that we always saw things form the POW of a group of Aces.

I also have to say that the beginning is the carbon copy of AC Zero, and we just lack the presence of the Zergs and the Toss to make te situation of the CIDS really similar to that of the Dominion in SC.

Then again, it's just a prologue, so there isn't much I can say for now.

[WarpObscura]

You know, I think this is the first time I've actually seen an attempt to Fusion Nanoha and Ace Combat, despite the obvious references?

[Tiresias]

Hybrid Weaponry, weapons and devices that incorporated both magic capabilities and the destructive power of mass weaponry.

I...don't see what's so special about this, really. I mean, the Bureau already had this in the form of the Arc-en-Ciel.

[Kireen]

Originally Posted by WarpObscura

You know, I think this is the first time I've actually seen an attempt to Fusion Nanoha and Ace Combat, despite the obvious references?

Me too, but I don't see that working too well even if there are Belkans in both of them.

How the hell do you befriend someone with missiles and a vulcan cannon...

[Andarkoshi]

Originally Posted by Kireen

Me too, but I don't see that working too well even if there are Belkans in both of them.

How the hell do you befriend someone with missiles and a vulcan cannon...

Terminally?

Though to be fair in Knight route the pilots who survived their encounters with the Demon Lord were rather impressed with him.

[Akiyoshi]

Originally Posted by Tiresias

I...don't see what's so special about this, really. I mean, the Bureau already had this in the form of the Arc-en-Ciel.

I thini the AEC-units and the 5th Gen devices are a better example o this. Or maybe Runessa's Silver Dagger is a more fit example than those two.

But the Arc-en-Ciel is debatable since it was mentioned the Esquad Huckebein can block an Ar-en-Cial blast ...i don't know how they could be able to do that if that weapon suppossedly can generate a physical effect.

[Tiresias]

Originally Posted by Akiyoshi

I thini the AEC-units and the 5th Gen devices are a better example o this.

...oh, right, that. Well if you're bringing stuff from that, I'm afraid I have nothing to comment...

Or maybe Runessa's Silver Dagger is a more fit example than those two.

I thought it was just a handgun?

[Lhklan]

Originally Posted by Akiyoshi

I thini the AEC-units and the 5th Gen devices are a better example o this. Or maybe Runessa's Silver Dagger is a more fit example than those two.

But the Arc-en-Ciel is debatable since it was mentioned the Esquad Huckebein can block an Ar-en-Cial blast ...i don't know how they could be able to do that if that weapon suppossedly can generate a physical effect.

... Aki, if Force is canon in this story, then the chance of TSAB being caught in a situation like that is even harder to justify.

... Also, no comments? Tough crowd. Guess I'll try to crank up another snip.

[Kireen]

^It's cause nobody gives a damn about Rossa.

[Old_Iron]

Originally Posted by Lhklan

... Also, no comments? Tough crowd. Guess I'll try to crank up another snip.

It's a well written one, but I think the lack of knowledge about Verossa hurts it. We don't know much of anything about him and his known roles are negligible. It's like trying to write a snippet about one of the bridge bunnies.

But still, plenty of points for effort.

[Lhklan]

Well, since as the space pirate said "nobody gives a damn about Rossa.", I'll go with Zafira this time.

Spoiler for 10 truths, Zafira:

1. Zafira likes to spend time with children, Vita included. Whether it be giving a ride or teaching them martial arts, he will always be glad to lend a paw.

2. Once, he had to fake Shiro Takamachi's voice to cover for the three Aces. It was surprisingly effective.

3. To this day, he still doesn’t understand how he lost that chess match to Signum. His "March of the Pawns" was perfect damnit!

4. He is somewhat embarrassed about his smaller wolf form. It's the reason why he doesn't use it much, unless Lady Hayate's the one asking

5. If someone ever wishes to take Lady Hayate's hand in marriage, that person would need to pass the Wolkenritter's tests first. Zafira isn't sure what his test would be, but Shiro Takamachi had given him a few pointers in that regard.

6. Little does anybody know Zafira was the one who taught Garyu the "Rider Kick" attack. He refuse to answer the insectoid's question of why did he learned it.

7. He doesn't really care about the fact that he can't remember his past. Living with his "family" is all that matters.

8. He is cordial with the Liese Twins because he can understand their loyalty to Gil Graham. He does not, however, condone them blaming Reinforce for everything.

9. He usually refrains from showing emotions from his students to remain impartial to all. He was, however, shocked when many of them - Miura include - told him that he is like a father to them.

10. He and Arf never married, though everybody know that it's just a formality to them.

[TwoZeroTwo]

Cybernin: Part of me is like "Hi fellow new guy who's introducing a serious OC story onto this board! I, who am also doing the same thing will have your back!"

The other part of me is completely terrible at providing any comments that aren't "ha wow cool cant wait 2 see more". I guess reading the backstory, I'm like "sure, go ahead" and I'll wait for the first chapter to see how it goes. I'll just echo the statements that you've introduced a VERY powerful figure as the apparent protagonist, and all I can say to that is "Handle with care".

So for my story, so far there haven't really been any battles except between OCs, and of course it's kind of hard to screw up the attacks and fighting styles of those so I haven't really come here for any checking. However, in the next chapter, Fate is going to be fighting her way to her target, and I don't really want to butcher anything. The chapter's done, but I'm showing a bit of it here so that if something's terribly off, I don't just dump another one of my AACs on you. Again, this is just part of the chapter; for context, Fate is part of a TSAB raid to retrieve an artifact that pretty much the whole city's underground is trying to take, and she's pretty sure that her target is going to be there.

Spoiler for Bathory's Countdown Chapter 12 Excerpt:

************
Also, if you haven't followed along, Shia is just a minor bad guy who showed up earlier once or twice and Raven is his bird familiar. Yes, he's a raven named Raven. According to Shia, "the name fit. Nothing more to it." Anyways, they're not super-important outside of this and a flashback in chapter five.
************


Fate looked back and held Bardiche in her hand. “Thank you for your services, Lieutenants. I’m heading in now.” She ran forward and held her device up, taking off into the air. “Bardiche, Assault form. Barrier jacket impulse form” she yelled. She glowed brightly and had her armor and weapon ready as she flew down through a broken skylight into the building closest to her. Soaring down, Fate landed on her feet in the middle of a battle between several outnumbered officers and a crew of attackers.

“Plasma Lancer” she said. Eight bolts of yellow energy appeared in a ring around her, and both sides of the fight momentarily stopped to look on at the new arrival. As Fate looked back and forth between the group in front of her, the bolts also followed her gaze and readjusted their current targets. Finally, she broke the silence when she said “Fire” and the bolts homed in on eight different people, slamming into them and passing through any defenses that were put up. Following up quickly, the Enforcer rushed towards the remaining mages.

“Bardiche,” she yelled as she did so, “Haken form.”

[YES SIR]

The head of her device spun back, and two yellow scythes protruded from the new openings. One brave soul stepped forwards to meet Fate, and she responded by twirling the scythe and bringing it down on the criminal. He put up a barrier, but it buckled from the first impact and was completely ripped through by Fate’s follow up slashes. When he was taken down, Fate dove at another person to catch him off guard and went to work breaking through his defenses. The rest of the remaining group focused their attacks on her but could never hit the Enforcer. She weaved through them while still pounding down her aggressors like she had eyes in the back of her head - almost like she’d done this for years.

The officers she helped out were staring forwards, mouths agape until their squad leader shook them out of it. “Put the pressure on” he yelled. “Back her up!” They resumed firing at the group as they now caught the criminals off guard, and with the attackers already in trouble going against Fate, the resumed fire of the officers ended the battle quickly. Soon, the opposite side of the room was filled with multiple people groveling at the feet of the Enforcer. Once again, it was a sight to behold for the officers, but just a normal occurrence for Fate. The low-grade stolen devices that those attackers called weapon were almost nothing going against her.

“Alright, push up” she yelled, turning to rush further into the facility to find her target. In between her and the door, however, was a very worried man named Shia.

“Uhhhhhhh...” he droned on. The sight of his subdued army in from of him caused him to slowly back away, but Fate again seemed to just fly forwards and grabbed him by the shirt collar. He cringed as she lifted him up, spun around, and tossed him into the middle of the room. Shia hit the ground but seemed to bounce right back onto his feet. He looked back and forth between the approaching officers and the yellow-haired Enforcer. Fidgeting, he screamed.

“Raven!”

Once again, the familiar dove down from above in a surprise attack, and once again, it didn’t work. Fate waited until the perfect time and spun around at the last moment before Raven would have hit her. She caught him in her free arm and directed him down at the ground so that he slammed into the floor hard. With a bit of momentum, he slid over by where his master was. Struggling to get up, he faltered several times, so Shia quickly reached down and pulled Raven up to his feet. Shia moved them so they were standing back to back, with him facing the officers and his recovering familiar facing the Enforcer.

“You two! You can’t win this” shouted the leader of the officers. “Quit resisting.”

In response, Shia put up a shield in front of him. “Come on, try us!” Raven also formed his own shield, protecting the two from both sides. “Try us!” yelled Shia as he kept going. “Go ahead, do something.”

Fate answered the call, holding Bardiche in both hands and winding back. “Haken Saber” she yelled as she swung her device and released a circular blade of energy. It cut out to the right of Fate and then swung back in like a boomerang into the gap between Raven’s and Shia’s shields. As it got in, Fate yelled “Saber blast!” and the blade detonated, tossing the pair sideways over to the other wall of the room. Again, Shia recovered first and noticed that the two of them were by another hallway that led out of the room. In a selfless act, he grabbed the arm of his damaged familiar and pushed him into the hall.

“Master, what’s going on?” asked Raven.

“Go!” responded Shia. “Find the artifact. I’ll hold ‘em back.” Fate watched past Shia as the familiar started to run before diving forward and transforming. The bird soared off, and Fate looked back at its defiant owner, standing in the way. Sweat poured down his face, getting into his eyes as he met Fate’s gaze. “Come on!” he yelled again. “Come and fucking get me!”

Fate held her device up so it faced straight at Shia and introduced herself. “Enforcer Harlaown” she said. “For your sake, I ask you to please stand down and let yourself go peacefully.”

Shia wiped his face and balled his fists. Slowly, he gave his response. “Hell no...I’m not going just like that!” He charged Fate, screaming as he did so. Again, Fate waited as he got closer, standing still until it almost seemed like Shia’s attacks would connect. And again, in that last little bit, she moved forwards, ducking and slamming the top of one of Bardiche’s blades into Shia’s stomach. Electricity shot into the man and surged through him, and when Fate pulled back, Shia collapsed in front of her. He twitched lightly as the officers ran up to Fate, putting the aggressor in bindings as they did so.

“Thanks, Enforcer” said the squad leader as he picked up Shia. Since Shia couldn’t even think to stand, he had to be dragged along into custody.

I know it's not a huge battle, but of course the whole story is leading up to one of those. If you like battle scenes, I hope that I've done a good job with them - there's been one in like every chapter.

[Kireen]

Originally Posted by Lhklan

Well, since as the space pirate said "nobody gives a damn about Rossa.", I'll go with Zafira this time.

Spoiler for 10 truths, Zafira:

1. Zafira likes to spend time with children, Vita included. Whether it be giving a ride or teaching them martial arts, he will always be glad to lend a paw.

2. Once, he had to fake Shiro Takamachi's voice to cover for the three Aces. It was surprisingly effective.

3. To this day, he still doesn’t understand how he lost that chess match to Signum. His "March of the Pawns" was perfect damnit!

4. He is somewhat embarrassed about his smaller wolf form. It's the reason why he doesn't use it much, unless Lady Hayate's the one asking

5. If someone ever wishes to take Lady Hayate's hand in marriage, that person would need to pass the Wolkenritter's tests first. Zafira isn't sure what his test would be, but Shiro Takamachi had given him a few pointers in that regard.

6. Little does anybody know Zafira was the one who taught Garyu the "Rider Kick" attack. He refuse to answer the insectoid's question of why did he learned it.

7. He doesn't really care about the fact that he can't remember his past. Living with his "family" is all that matters.

8. He is cordial with the Liese Twins because he can understand their loyalty to Gil Graham. He does not, however, condone them blaming Reinforce for everything.

9. He usually refrains from showing emotions from his students to remain impartial to all. He was, however, shocked when many of them - Miura include - told him that he is like a father to them.

10. He and Arf never married, though everybody know that it's just a formality to them.

Said space pirate gives thumb up for the choice.

1-9: I don't know why but i have this strange immage of him and Jun Inoue from majikoi discussing about little girls being a treasure of humankind that should be watched from afar.

2-5: Nice VA joke XD, I also fear to know what these two can come up with.

3: I didn't get that...

6: I'm going to bet that Hayate forced him to dress up as a Kamin Rider and forced him to learn how to do it.

7: AWWWWWWWWW

8: Strange, I pictured him being not too fond of them, you know...cats...

10: Well, they are wolves, and I'm not even sure if familiar and guardina beasts can get married.

Another thing that I have to say is that i prefer a whole bunch of well made OCs than a single poor written canon character, it all depends on the writer.

[Andarkoshi]

Just a silly little thing that crossed my mind

Spoiler for Imouto:

Fate and Hayate glanced at each other, then at Stern who sat in front of them. Who was apparently as clueless about the meaning behind this meeting as the two girls. Then all three turned to Nanoha who looked like a kid with a secret he wanted to blabber out to the whole world via loudspeakers.

"So... what is this important announcement you had for us Nanoha?"

Hayate asked curiously and couldn't help but notice how the auburn haired girl's grew.

"You see all this time I've been a bit envious of you two"

She said with a smile.

"You see, Fate-chan has Alicia and Hayate-chan has Vita-chan and you are the eldest in your families so... I felt a bit sad."

"Ah... sorry for that Nanoha"

Fate apologized quietly out of habit rather than for any real reason. She just felt bad about making her friend sad.

"But!"

Nanoha thundered cheerfully as her index finger upwards.

"No more! I shall feel sad no more, do you know why? Do you?"

She asked eagerly but the two girls shook their heads.

"Because now I have a little sister of my own!"

The girl cried out with so much happiness you'd expect her to shine rainbows from her eyes. Without missing a beat she tackled Stern who accepted the manhandling and after a moment of Nanoha nuzzling to her began to pet the girl.

"You see I always felt a bit sad that I'm the only one without a little imouto I could spoil and help out and be a cool big sister too. But now I finally am fit for the role!"

She said with a short happy laugh her arms firmly locked around Stern. The brunette did not say anything to that she just looked down at the happy Nanoha and petted her gently on the head as if saying "Good girl, good girl"

Fate and Hayate stared at the scene for a moment, then glanced at each other and back at the scene.

"Nanoha..."

Fate began but stopped, not sure how she should voice her opinion without hurting her friend.

"Yeah... well..."

Hayate was in the same kind of predicament.

"What is it?"

Nanoha asked but soon closed her eyes with delight as Stern scratched her behind the ear.

"You see... the thing is..."

Fate tried to continue but faltered. Seeing how she was only with the willpower to overcome this strange situation, Hayate took the lead.

"The thing is Nanoha... that... well if you ask me then You are the Imouto"

She said bluntly and winced as Nanoha's face turned to one of shock.

"Eh!?"

Nanoha glanced up as she realized how the scene must look to others. Little sister being spoiled by her kind, mature, older sister. Stern glanced down and threw up a V-sign.

"Imouto getto"

She said quietly.

"EHHHHHH!!!???"

[mega1987]

Originally Posted by Andarkoshi

Just a silly little thing that crossed my mind

-snip-

MOAR STERN!!!!!!

[vic-vic]

Originally Posted by Andarkoshi

Just a silly little thing that crossed my mind

Spoiler for Imouto:

Fate and Hayate glanced at each other, then at Stern who sat in front of them. Who was apparently as clueless about the meaning behind this meeting as the two girls. Then all three turned to Nanoha who looked like a kid with a secret he wanted to blabber out to the whole world via loudspeakers.

"So... what is this important announcement you had for us Nanoha?"

Hayate asked curiously and couldn't help but notice how the auburn haired girl's grew.

"You see all this time I've been a bit envious of you two"

She said with a smile.

"You see, Fate-chan has Alicia and Hayate-chan has Vita-chan and you are the eldest in your families so... I felt a bit sad."

"Ah... sorry for that Nanoha"

Fate apologized quietly out of habit rather than for any real reason. She just felt bad about making her friend sad.

"But!"

Nanoha thundered cheerfully as her index finger upwards.

"No more! I shall feel sad no more, do you know why? Do you?"

She asked eagerly but the two girls shook their heads.

"Because now I have a little sister of my own!"

The girl cried out with so much happiness you'd expect her to shine rainbows from her eyes. Without missing a beat she tackled Stern who accepted the manhandling and after a moment of Nanoha nuzzling to her began to pet the girl.

"You see I always felt a bit sad that I'm the only one without a little imouto I could spoil and help out and be a cool big sister too. But now I finally am fit for the role!"

She said with a short happy laugh her arms firmly locked around Stern. The brunette did not say anything to that she just looked down at the happy Nanoha and petted her gently on the head as if saying "Good girl, good girl"

Fate and Hayate stared at the scene for a moment, then glanced at each other and back at the scene.

"Nanoha..."

Fate began but stopped, not sure how she should voice her opinion without hurting her friend.

"Yeah... well..."

Hayate was in the same kind of predicament.

"What is it?"

Nanoha asked but soon closed her eyes with delight as Stern scratched her behind the ear.

"You see... the thing is..."

Fate tried to continue but faltered. Seeing how she was only with the willpower to overcome this strange situation, Hayate took the lead.

"The thing is Nanoha... that... well if you ask me then You are the Imouto"

She said bluntly and winced as Nanoha's face turned to one of shock.

"Eh!?"

Nanoha glanced up as she realized how the scene must look to others. Little sister being spoiled by her kind, mature, older sister. Stern glanced down and threw up a V-sign.

"Imouto getto"

She said quietly.

"EHHHHHH!!!???"

Indees Stern-chan, you claimed yourself a imouto... and such cute one.

[Akiyoshi]

Poor Nanoha, i feel sorry for her, things never go her way ToT

At least that could explain her behavior towards the fowards and Vivio in StrikerS she wasn't able to fulfill her wish until she reached nineteen xDU

[Andarkoshi]

You like it?

But yeah Nanoha has it rough. People constantly think that Stern is the older of the twins (the cover story is that Stern is Nanoha's twin sister who lived away till now)

[Old_Iron]

Originally Posted by Andarkoshi

You like it?

But yeah Nanoha has it rough. People constantly think that Stern is the older of the twins (the cover story is that Stern is Nanoha's twin sister who lived away till now)

We like it very much. It's quite adorable and poor Nanoha indeed.

"Imouto get" was the perfect one-liner for this. XD