Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[00-Raiser]

Spoiler for Responding to Satashi:

Originally Posted by Satashi

I'm saying this as if you did the fic seriously. If you did it as a comedy, then just ignore this.

Well, it's semi-serious. Wasn't meant to be particularly dramatic or anything. The other one is, though.

I agree with some of your points, but have questions regarding others. Like your post, any rudeness is unintentional.

Originally Posted by Satashi

like an info dump

Yeah, you'll probably find a lot of my stuff feels like that. In recent years I'm more used to writing academic papers, which involve straight-to-the-point fact stating. I still try to write stuff that will create an image in the readers' mind, but I'm afraid I've forgotten how to 'show' rather than 'tell'.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Also, I think rewards for every test (?) seems excessive. That's something you do for a small girl, not a junior in highschool who gets perfect grades and is the top of her class. I think it would ahve more meaning if the rewards were random. Imagine giving a girl a rose every week. At first its cute and sweet, then its just like "Um yeha, thanks, I guess..." Overkill is bad.

Ok, I can downplay that. Make it so she'd get something from a really tough/significant test/assignment. The assignment for this particular occasion would become one of those.

Originally Posted by Satashi

This is childlike behavior, not a junior in highschool. Vivio sounds like she's 13.

I know plenty of 16 years olds that sound like they're 8, but that's besides the point. Hm, would it be better if she played coy? Like going "You think so? I don't know... My grades might drop if you stopped tutoring me."

Originally Posted by Satashi

cheesy

Oh yes, my body is composed of 80% cheese and and 20% corn. I imagine this is due to my lack of any real life experience. All I have to work with is based off the many anime/movies/books I've been exposed to. I don't think this is a problem that can be fixed easily, I'm afraid.

... I can't say I don't enjoy corn, though.

Originally Posted by Satashi

4th wall! BAD! VERY BAD! Never ever ever say "you could" because that's referring to the reader and you lose all connection to the story. The only exception is purposly doing it for humor.

Easily fixable. Quick question: does using 'One could' count as 4th wall breaking?

Originally Posted by Satashi

WHOA! Calm down Vivio! don't point out your breasts and say you want to get married when you just pounced your mother's best friend!

She didn't say that she wanted to get married, just that she could. She's just pointed it out as proof of her adulthood. Do you have any suggestions on how I could go about that better? I thought of her being on the forceful side due to Nanoha's influence. She did blow people up when she wanted to be their friend, afterall.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Yuuno is way OOC. He always seems soft spoken, gentle, and exceedingly smart. That line is.....*sighs*... corny. It's standard fair of a forgettable book. You said people complain about your Yuuno and this is why. He isn't in character, he seems like a standard male boy. I'd even go as far as saying Gary-stue here.

Well... Yuuno is a boy, after all. I do tend to think of the characters as humans first, themselves second. I guess that could be the wrong way to go about it. But the idea is he's surprised, flustered, and confused so he can't think straight. Even the smartest of people can get like that. Would you say he'd regain his composure fairly quickly? Well, I'm certain he'd try to let her down easy, regardless. He definitely wouldn't go "No. Get off of me."

What about it makes him Gary-Stue-ish? To me, a Gary Stue would have no problems right off the bat and do something like carry her down the stairs, tell Nanoha and Fate "You're daughter is mine now" and they'd just smile right away and go "Ok."

I thought by not having him handle the situation that well was avoiding Gary Stue-ness.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Chill in her voice? She's declairing her love over and over and telling him to see her as a woman, then mentions her mother in an icy tone? Vivio is too smart for that.

Well, the ice wasn't for Nanoha, but more for "You're not still in love with my mom, even though she's attached, are you?" But I could just change that to "Or do you have some one else you love?" But I think having him deny any remaining feelings for Nanoha specifically would eliminate the "Vivio is just a replacement for Nanoha" angle.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Yeah, I'd say you want Vivio doing that to you, and you're writing to act it out. Self insertish.

*Scratches head* Well, this is a tricky thing. Sure, I'd want Vivio (or any girl for that matter) to act like that towards me. But this can technically apply to anything I write, save for some heart breaking tragedy. Heck, even looking at one of my NanoFate fics, you could say that I want to be in Nanoha and/or Fate's shoes.

Perhaps on some subconcious level, I am writing for wish fulfilment, but my concious mind has no such intentions. I don't need to put my fantasies in text. They serve their purpose just fine in my head. So I can't say I'd know how to fix this, as it'll technically be true no matter what I do.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Yuuno is smart, and would have figured out Vivio liked him long before this happened.

Yuuno is book smart, certainly, but I view emotional intelligence as a whole different beast. Plus (here's my 'people being people' argument again), sometimes people don't pick up on things they aren't looking for. They get an idea like "Oh she'd never have romantic feelings for me" in their head, and thus they won't pick up on those feelings even if they do exist. Plus, Vivio was keeping it hidden.

I should probably explain that he thought she just held respect for him to clarify this.

Originally Posted by Satashi

Vivio is also a smart girl, and would have planned her "attack" better.

Well, she did, but her hand was forced prematurely.

It's not my intention to make excuses or anything, just explaining my reasoning in hopes you can understand my viewpoint. If you feel I'm way off base, please tell me so.

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Since 00-Reiser came out and mentioned it first, I can finally let this one out that I've been holding on to this one in my head since ViVid Memory 02.

Spoiler for A New Champion!:

"And then she said, 'I want to grow up normally, so I will be able to show this appearance without shame. I want to be able to be proud of where I come from and stick out my chest proudly, and say I am the daughter of Nanoha-mama.' I was so proud of her!" Nanoha beamed. "She's such a good girl. I'm sure that she'll use her Adult Form responsibly."

Hayate chuckled and nodded. "I'm sure she will." She then turned to Signum and looked at the pink-haired knight assessingly.

"I am sorry that you've been finally beaten, though. But there's no shame for a Belkan knight in being defeated by the Sankt Kaiser, is there?"

Signum blinked in confusion.

"Mistress Hayate, I've never sparred with Vivio, win or lose."

Hayate shook her head.

"No, no, not in combat; I'm talking about other arenas of battle."

Vita stretched up and patted her leader on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, Signum; you'll always be Boob Monster to me."

Haha. Seriously, Saint Kaiser Vivio has them all beat in so many ways.

Well, when it comes to breasts, for me, the smaller the better.

[Nijiru]

Then again, Vita also has appeal as a Knight of Destruction.
As for Signum, she's a hawt Lady of War.

[00-Raiser]

Signum will always be the best not-Lamia ever. I was so dissapointed when this wasn't her and Agito's final attack in StrikerS

[Rika23onROOF]

Originally Posted by DezoPenguin

Since 00-Reiser came out and mentioned it first, I can finally let this one out that I've been holding on to this one in my head since ViVid Memory 02.

Spoiler for A New Champion!:

"And then she said, 'I want to grow up normally, so I will be able to show this appearance without shame. I want to be able to be proud of where I come from and stick out my chest proudly, and say I am the daughter of Nanoha-mama.' I was so proud of her!" Nanoha beamed. "She's such a good girl. I'm sure that she'll use her Adult Form responsibly."

Hayate chuckled and nodded. "I'm sure she will." She then turned to Signum and looked at the pink-haired knight assessingly.

"I am sorry that you've been finally beaten, though. But there's no shame for a Belkan knight in being defeated by the Sankt Kaiser, is there?"

Signum blinked in confusion.

"Mistress Hayate, I've never sparred with Vivio, win or lose."

Hayate shook her head.

"No, no, not in combat; I'm talking about other arenas of battle."

Vita stretched up and patted her leader on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, Signum; you'll always be Boob Monster to me."

(0/////0)....b-bwhahaha....ugh...c-can't...breathe...hahaha

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Poor Signum (I'm sure Hayate still wants them), well at least we know one person's safe from being replaced.


Vita: Heh, at least I know my role as the token eternal loli will never be taken over. I'll always have the pedophiles in my fanbase.
Rein: Hey Vita~~~~ Check out Rein's big form!
Agito: Oi! I have one too! *kick to the head*
Rein: TAT that hurt you meanie!
Fans: awwwwww (HNNNNNNNG)
Vita:...
Cinque: Don't worry about your big sister, *Longcoat, knives out cool pose*
Younger Numbers: *-* so cool
Fans: \awesomebadass/
Vita: ........
Ix: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Subaru + Vivio: IXYYYYYYYYY *Nosebleed*
Fans: IXY!!!!!!! ;-;
Vita: god damnit

... no one is safe from replacement

(~///////~) O...Oh my....kuh...wahahaha...c-can't....stop...laughing....

Originally Posted by Satashi

Vivio: *holding Ixy's hand* When you wake up, I'll introduce you to everyone
Ixy:....... *smiling in sleep*
Vivio: And we'll be friends forever.
Ixy:...... *smiles*
Vivio:*dead serious* but if you steal my fanbase, you'll be sleeping with the fishes.
Ixy:.....*suddenly shivers in her sleep*

(x//////x).....

[Rika has fainted once again due to intensive laughing]

....it makes me wonder, what happen if Syn is in there saying Ixy is cute....
....nyahahahaha....
(x//////x)

[Keroko]

Originally Posted by Rika23onROOF

(x//////x).....

[Rika has fainted once again due to intensive laughing]

....it makes me wonder, what happen if Syn is in there saying Ixy is cute....
....nyahahahaha....
(x//////x)

Syn: *Holding Ix's hand in her right while supporting Ix with her left hand* "You're so cute when you're sleeping... I wonder how cute you'll be when you wake up?"

Vivio: She's not going to wake up if you kiss her, you know. She's not sleeping beauty.

Syn: You don't know until you try!

Vivio: I did. And so did Subaru.

Syn: Well, third time's the charm, ain't it?

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Keroko

Syn: *Holding Ix's hand in her right while supporting Ix with her left hand* "You're so cute when you're sleeping... I wonder how cute you'll be when you wake up?"

Vivio: She's not going to wake up if you kiss her, you know. She's not sleeping beauty.

Syn: You don't know until you try!

Vivio: I did. And so did Subaru.

Syn: Well, third time's the charm, ain't it?

Do it! Do it! DO IT!

[TheShinySword]

Originally Posted by Keroko

Syn: *Holding Ix's hand in her right while supporting Ix with her left hand* "You're so cute when you're sleeping... I wonder how cute you'll be when you wake up?"

Vivio: She's not going to wake up if you kiss her, you know. She's not sleeping beauty.

Syn: You don't know until you try!

Vivio: I did. And so did Subaru.

Syn: Well, third time's the charm, ain't it?

Kaon: Actually that would be the 11th time.

Syn: ...eh?

Kaon: After the young Kaiser attempted, Sister Schach decided it might work, then Miss Wendi attempted who forced Miss Nove into it, then Mister Otto came and attempted when she thought no one was watching followed closely by Miss Deed. Miss Dieci tried next and then prodded Miss Cinque into attempting as well. Alas none have worked.

Syn: *Counting* ... that's only 9

Kaon: ... =/////= I am sure that is 10.

Syn: No it's nin-

Kaon: 10. -////- it's definitely 10.

[RadiantBeam]

I think Kaon left somebody out of her counting, then.

[Nanya01]

Originally Posted by Keroko

Syn: *Holding Ix's hand in her right while supporting Ix with her left hand* "You're so cute when you're sleeping... I wonder how cute you'll be when you wake up?"

Vivio: She's not going to wake up if you kiss her, you know. She's not sleeping beauty.

Syn: You don't know until you try!

Vivio: I did. And so did Subaru.

Syn: Well, third time's the charm, ain't it?

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Kaon: Actually that would be the 11th time.

Syn: ...eh?

Kaon: After the young Kaiser attempted, Sister Schach decided it might work, then Miss Wendi attempted who forced Miss Nove into it, then Mister Otto came and attempted when she thought no one was watching followed closely by Miss Deed. Miss Dieci tried next and then prodded Miss Cinque into attempting as well. Alas none have worked.

Syn: *Counting* ... that's only 9

Kaon: ... =/////= I am sure that is 10.

Syn: No it's nin-

Kaon: 10. -////- it's definitely 10.

Zafira: Actually, if Syn kisses her, that would be the 16th time she was kissed.

Syn, Kaon: HUH?!

Zafira: I gave her a lick on the face, Hayate tried kissing her after cleaning her face up, then Vita did, so did Shamal, we had to convince Signum to go along with it, and both Rein and Agito tried at the same time.

Syn: ... Am I the only one who HASN'T kissed her yet?!

[Tempy]

Kaon's too embarrassed to talk about forcing Noland to do it, only to slip and fall (actually, grappled) and "accidentally" make contact.

Who knows, maybe you actually need a male to do it.

FFFFFFF i got ninja'd.

Wait. Zafira only licked her, which probably didn't count.

Someone get Erio.

[TheShinySword]

But Mister Otto kissed her! *flee*

[Tempy]

[Insert long and pointless Otto gender debate here]

Well glad that's over with. I still say Otto's a girl, but you are of course entitled to your opinion. Even it's wrong.

Dohohoho.

[SulliMike23]

Rofl! Ixa is sure getting a LOT of love.

[00-Raiser]

I don't see the Gracia siblings on that list

Bah, forget Rossa, Carim needs to get in on that action!

[Satashi]

Spoiler for @ 00-Raiser:

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Yeah, you'll probably find a lot of my stuff feels like that. In recent years I'm more used to writing academic papers, which involve straight-to-the-point fact stating. I still try to write stuff that will create an image in the readers' mind, but I'm afraid I've forgotten how to 'show' rather than 'tell'.

Practice will fix that. One thing I did to combat that in my early stage of writing was to re-read what I wrote before posting. If I noticed a small info dump of short sentences, I would activly re-write it, combining the sentences together for smoother flow. After a while, your brain will do it before your fingers hit the period key.

Ok, I can downplay that. Make it so she'd get something from a really tough/significant test/assignment. The assignment for this particular occasion would become one of those.

The more its downplayed the better. Like I said, bribing for good deeds is grade-school things. "Do bad and your grounded, do good and we'll go to a water park!" or even telling your dog "roll over!" and giving them a treat. Its a conditioning for younger children, just like spanking is. Vivio is too mature for that, so small rewards would be more of a "wow!" than "expected or hoping for"

I know plenty of 16 years olds that sound like they're 8, but that's besides the point. Hm, would it be better if she played coy? Like going "You think so? I don't know... My grades might drop if you stopped tutoring me."

I think a problem you're having is that you are looking at your characters as people you know. Like I, and others, said, your Yuuno seems self-insertish. Your defense on vivio's character here was "I know girls who act like that", which leads me to suspect you are basing your Vivio off the girls you know. That is what leads to OOC. Instead of telling yourself "I know girls who act like this" and justifying Vivio's actions, you should instead ask yourself "What would Vivio say in this situation." Its an exceedingly hard thing to do, turning your story over to your characters, but in the long run, it will help prevent OOCness. Just be careful not to let them write you intoa corner. Remember, Vivio is Vivio, not other girls.

Oh yes, my body is composed of 80% cheese and and 20% corn. I imagine this is due to my lack of any real life experience. All I have to work with is based off the many anime/movies/books I've been exposed to. I don't think this is a problem that can be fixed easily, I'm afraid.

... I can't say I don't enjoy corn, though.

I won't try to compromise your writing style. We each have our target audience, you just need to find yours and cater to them. If you are full of cheesy one liners and corny dialog, then write comedy. Attract the people who will enjoy it. (Mostly) Everyone here took this story seriously because we all debated it and said that it could only be done if it was done really well with a build up. Those who didn't, laughed and said it was funny and amusing. Try marketing it as a comedy or a "Light hearted romantic comedy". It will attract more people who will enjoy your works.

I avoid heavy plot and action because I suck at it. I relate to the romance in people, and thus my fanbase are romantics. My stories are based off of character interaction rather than detailed environments (something I envy Skyfall for). What are you best at?

Easily fixable. Quick question: does using 'One could' count as 4th wall breaking?

ask yourself this: "Who am I assuming knows what a starlight breaker is?" If you answered "The reader" then you're breaking the fourth wall. Most anytime you pull upon the reader's omnipotent understanding for a statement, its fourth wall breaking.

story:One could hit him with a starlight breaker
reader: Oh yeah, Nanoha would totally do that when she finds out Vivio is hitting on him

See what I mean there? Yuuno doesn't know what a starlight breaker feels like, therefore he cannot connect to the statement. You could, however, word it like:

Yuuno felt as if he would rather take his chances with Nanoha's Starlight Breaker than deal with the information he had just received.

That is implying Yuuno's thoughts on the situation, and not drawing upon the reader's knowledge of Nanoha's attacks. Instead, Yuuno himself knows the information and thinks on it.

...Was that confusing? I might could have worded that better >.<

She didn't say that she wanted to get married, just that she could. She's just pointed it out as proof of her adulthood. Do you have any suggestions on how I could go about that better? I thought of her being on the forceful side due to Nanoha's influence. She did blow people up when she wanted to be their friend, afterall.

In the context, she is implying that she wants to. Vivio wouldn't bring up a topic like that if she didn't intend on using it. My suggestion: Ask yourself what Vivio would say. Pick what you want Vivio to be and stay with it. Aggressive? Determined? Shy (obviously not lol)? Don't make her draw for reasoning that she can't support. Vivio is cannonly smart, and according to her speech to Nanoha about her adult mode, she wants to work for and earn what she gets.

My suggestion stands from before: Vivio would be cunning, and would be prepared to counter anything Yuuno can say to her with facts that he can not deny. She would show she is serious by being serious. This does not include pointing at he female body for reference of her age (adult form reference) but rather her maturity that earned for herself.

Suggestion:

Vivio looked into Yuuno's eyes and made sure he wouldn't turn away before continuing her statement. "I am old enough to understand what a relationship means, Yuuno-san. I know our age difference and am willing to work with what we have to make this work." Placing a hand on her chest, she gripped her shirt over where her heart would be. "I could age my body ever since I was little, but its what is on the inside, my feelings, that matter. I do feel for you, and not in a friendly way. I know this, and want you to accept it from me, honestly."

Well... Yuuno is a boy, after all. I do tend to think of the characters as humans first, themselves second. I guess that could be the wrong way to go about it. But the idea is he's surprised, flustered, and confused so he can't think straight. Even the smartest of people can get like that. Would you say he'd regain his composure fairly quickly? Well, I'm certain he'd try to let her down easy, regardless. He definitely wouldn't go "No. Get off of me."

What about it makes him Gary-Stue-ish? To me, a Gary Stue would have no problems right off the bat and do something like carry her down the stairs, tell Nanoha and Fate "You're daughter is mine now" and they'd just smile right away and go "Ok."

I thought by not having him handle the situation that well was avoiding Gary Stue-ness.

Ah, What I said earlier was right :3 (I'm answering in order as I read). Let your character guide you, young one. The force will show you the way.

Seriously though, like I said before, Yuuno is too smart not to notice Vivio's crush on him. Yuuno isn't your standard anime male character. He's smart, very smart, and he houses an infinite library full of knowledge. You can't really tutor your best frfiend's daughter for years and not notice anything. He could, and probably would, try to play it off as if he doesn't notice while hoping she turns her interest elsewere, but I still stand by my earlier suggestion:

Yuuno would have something prepared for this day.

As for Gary-ness. It doesn't always imply the perfect being. Sometimes its just so cliché that a character does something it can be Gary. Or maybe I'm crossing words. You did well not to have them walk out no problem, but don't make Yuuno like a standard anime male. Make him yuuno.

Well, the ice wasn't for Nanoha, but more for "You're not still in love with my mom, even though she's attached, are you?" But I could just change that to "Or do you have some one else you love?" But I think having him deny any remaining feelings for Nanoha specifically would eliminate the "Vivio is just a replacement for Nanoha" angle.

As it stands, your Yuuno feels nothing for her that I've seen (sorry I didn't read it all). I don't mind her mentioning Nanoha in their conversation, but the way you did it was just "off" to me. I feel that the "Nanoha angle" should be avoided until a later date.

*Scratches head* Well, this is a tricky thing. Sure, I'd want Vivio (or any girl for that matter) to act like that towards me. But this can technically apply to anything I write, save for some heart breaking tragedy. Heck, even looking at one of my NanoFate fics, you could say that I want to be in Nanoha and/or Fate's shoes.

Perhaps on some subconcious level, I am writing for wish fulfilment, but my concious mind has no such intentions. I don't need to put my fantasies in text. They serve their purpose just fine in my head. So I can't say I'd know how to fix this, as it'll technically be true no matter what I do.

The more I read from your replies, the more I think your main problem is getting characters to act like themselves. Sadly, I've already offered all the advice I can think of on the subject. Maybe you can ask other people here for help on how they get "in character" while writing. Try getting in their head, see though their eyes, but don't guide their words or actions. Let them do it, you just write. Best of luck :3 sorry I can't help more here.

Yuuno is book smart, certainly, but I view emotional intelligence as a whole different beast. Plus (here's my 'people being people' argument again), sometimes people don't pick up on things they aren't looking for. They get an idea like "Oh she'd never have romantic feelings for me" in their head, and thus they won't pick up on those feelings even if they do exist. Plus, Vivio was keeping it hidden.

I should probably explain that he thought she just held respect for him to clarify this.

But the question is, would Yuuno think that Vivio wouldn't hold feelings for him? We all can have our own vision of Yuuno (Mine is a genius tactician with AA mage power, but not a fighter. He supports from a distance and puts his friends above all else). Even still, don't think like a dating sim or anime. They are clueless so they can have a harem and not "play" the girls. Yuuno has no girl that we know of, and he seems perfectly happy with his life, so we don't need the loser ideas of "no girl would want me" in his head. He looks good, dresses sharply,

and every girl is crazy for a sharp dressed man.

Write your Yuuno how you want, I may be biased here with my Yuuno. ask others, a different opinion would be very valuable here.

Well, she did, but her hand was forced prematurely.

It's not my intention to make excuses or anything, just explaining my reasoning in hopes you can understand my viewpoint. If you feel I'm way off base, please tell me so.

Battle trained, school smart, street smart, and given plenty of time to prepare herself. Even if her hand was forced, I think Vivio would rely on her past experiences to push through. Fighting makes you think on your feet, adapt to situations, and always be ready. You know how they say Karate is more than your body, but also your mind?

This is Vivio, not a standard girl. Remember her statements to Nanoha about how proud of herself she is. That kind of pride comes from a girl who can react and adapt, not one who will fall prey to the "Princess disorder"

[EDIT]

@Thread:

Syn:*looking at Ixy*... Did anyone use tongue in the kiss? Zafira doesn't count.

Vivio:...I didn't.

Syn:Maybe Ixy's French! That kind of kiss would work.

Vice: *burst through the door* DIBS!

[MeisterBabylon]

Kaprika notices most of the seniors in Church and at the Bureau department were coughing.

Kaprika: The flu bug's going round...
Kaleido Hat: [By my scans, it appears to be a strain of Streptococcus.]
Kaprika: How is that spread?
Kaleido Hat: [Close contact with exposed sputum and oral fluids.]
Kaprika: ...they have been kissing each other?!

You misunderstand, my dear sister.

[Tempy]

Everyone now has mono.

gg.

[Nya~n]

Originally Posted by Satashi

Syn:*looking at Ixy*... Did anyone use tongue in the kiss? Zafira doesn't count.

Vivio:...I didn't.

Syn:Maybe Ixy's French! That kind of kiss would work.

Vice: *burst through the door* DIBS!

WIN. Pure, unadulterated WIN.

[Rika23onROOF]

Originally Posted by Keroko

Syn: *Holding Ix's hand in her right while supporting Ix with her left hand* "You're so cute when you're sleeping... I wonder how cute you'll be when you wake up?"

Vivio: She's not going to wake up if you kiss her, you know. She's not sleeping beauty.

Syn: You don't know until you try!

Vivio: I did. And so did Subaru.

Syn: Well, third time's the charm, ain't it?

Originally Posted by TheShinySword

Kaon: Actually that would be the 11th time.

Syn: ...eh?

Kaon: After the young Kaiser attempted, Sister Schach decided it might work, then Miss Wendi attempted who forced Miss Nove into it, then Mister Otto came and attempted when she thought no one was watching followed closely by Miss Deed. Miss Dieci tried next and then prodded Miss Cinque into attempting as well. Alas none have worked.

Syn: *Counting* ... that's only 9

Kaon: ... =/////= I am sure that is 10.

Syn: No it's nin-

Kaon: 10. -////- it's definitely 10.

Originally Posted by Nanya01

Zafira: Actually, if Syn kisses her, that would be the 16th time she was kissed.

Syn, Kaon: HUH?!

Zafira: I gave her a lick on the face, Hayate tried kissing her after cleaning her face up, then Vita did, so did Shamal, we had to convince Signum to go along with it, and both Rein and Agito tried at the same time.

Syn: ... Am I the only one who HASN'T kissed her yet?!

Originally Posted by Satashi

Spoiler for @ 00-Raiser:

Practice will fix that. One thing I did to combat that in my early stage of writing was to re-read what I wrote before posting. If I noticed a small info dump of short sentences, I would activly re-write it, combining the sentences together for smoother flow. After a while, your brain will do it before your fingers hit the period key.



The more its downplayed the better. Like I said, bribing for good deeds is grade-school things. "Do bad and your grounded, do good and we'll go to a water park!" or even telling your dog "roll over!" and giving them a treat. Its a conditioning for younger children, just like spanking is. Vivio is too mature for that, so small rewards would be more of a "wow!" than "expected or hoping for"




I think a problem you're having is that you are looking at your characters as people you know. Like I, and others, said, your Yuuno seems self-insertish. Your defense on vivio's character here was "I know girls who act like that", which leads me to suspect you are basing your Vivio off the girls you know. That is what leads to OOC. Instead of telling yourself "I know girls who act like this" and justifying Vivio's actions, you should instead ask yourself "What would Vivio say in this situation." Its an exceedingly hard thing to do, turning your story over to your characters, but in the long run, it will help prevent OOCness. Just be careful not to let them write you intoa corner. Remember, Vivio is Vivio, not other girls.




I won't try to compromise your writing style. We each have our target audience, you just need to find yours and cater to them. If you are full of cheesy one liners and corny dialog, then write comedy. Attract the people who will enjoy it. (Mostly) Everyone here took this story seriously because we all debated it and said that it could only be done if it was done really well with a build up. Those who didn't, laughed and said it was funny and amusing. Try marketing it as a comedy or a "Light hearted romantic comedy". It will attract more people who will enjoy your works.

I avoid heavy plot and action because I suck at it. I relate to the romance in people, and thus my fanbase are romantics. My stories are based off of character interaction rather than detailed environments (something I envy Skyfall for). What are you best at?



ask yourself this: "Who am I assuming knows what a starlight breaker is?" If you answered "The reader" then you're breaking the fourth wall. Most anytime you pull upon the reader's omnipotent understanding for a statement, its fourth wall breaking.

story:One could hit him with a starlight breaker
reader: Oh yeah, Nanoha would totally do that when she finds out Vivio is hitting on him

See what I mean there? Yuuno doesn't know what a starlight breaker feels like, therefore he cannot connect to the statement. You could, however, word it like:

Yuuno felt as if he would rather take his chances with Nanoha's Starlight Breaker than deal with the information he had just received.

That is implying Yuuno's thoughts on the situation, and not drawing upon the reader's knowledge of Nanoha's attacks. Instead, Yuuno himself knows the information and thinks on it.

...Was that confusing? I might could have worded that better >.<



In the context, she is implying that she wants to. Vivio wouldn't bring up a topic like that if she didn't intend on using it. My suggestion: Ask yourself what Vivio would say. Pick what you want Vivio to be and stay with it. Aggressive? Determined? Shy (obviously not lol)? Don't make her draw for reasoning that she can't support. Vivio is cannonly smart, and according to her speech to Nanoha about her adult mode, she wants to work for and earn what she gets.

My suggestion stands from before: Vivio would be cunning, and would be prepared to counter anything Yuuno can say to her with facts that he can not deny. She would show she is serious by being serious. This does not include pointing at he female body for reference of her age (adult form reference) but rather her maturity that earned for herself.

Suggestion:

Vivio looked into Yuuno's eyes and made sure he wouldn't turn away before continuing her statement. "I am old enough to understand what a relationship means, Yuuno-san. I know our age difference and am willing to work with what we have to make this work." Placing a hand on her chest, she gripped her shirt over where her heart would be. "I could age my body ever since I was little, but its what is on the inside, my feelings, that matter. I do feel for you, and not in a friendly way. I know this, and want you to accept it from me, honestly."


Ah, What I said earlier was right :3 (I'm answering in order as I read). Let your character guide you, young one. The force will show you the way.

Seriously though, like I said before, Yuuno is too smart not to notice Vivio's crush on him. Yuuno isn't your standard anime male character. He's smart, very smart, and he houses an infinite library full of knowledge. You can't really tutor your best frfiend's daughter for years and not notice anything. He could, and probably would, try to play it off as if he doesn't notice while hoping she turns her interest elsewere, but I still stand by my earlier suggestion:

Yuuno would have something prepared for this day.

As for Gary-ness. It doesn't always imply the perfect being. Sometimes its just so cliché that a character does something it can be Gary. Or maybe I'm crossing words. You did well not to have them walk out no problem, but don't make Yuuno like a standard anime male. Make him yuuno.



As it stands, your Yuuno feels nothing for her that I've seen (sorry I didn't read it all). I don't mind her mentioning Nanoha in their conversation, but the way you did it was just "off" to me. I feel that the "Nanoha angle" should be avoided until a later date.



The more I read from your replies, the more I think your main problem is getting characters to act like themselves. Sadly, I've already offered all the advice I can think of on the subject. Maybe you can ask other people here for help on how they get "in character" while writing. Try getting in their head, see though their eyes, but don't guide their words or actions. Let them do it, you just write. Best of luck :3 sorry I can't help more here.



But the question is, would Yuuno think that Vivio wouldn't hold feelings for him? We all can have our own vision of Yuuno (Mine is a genius tactician with AA mage power, but not a fighter. He supports from a distance and puts his friends above all else). Even still, don't think like a dating sim or anime. They are clueless so they can have a harem and not "play" the girls. Yuuno has no girl that we know of, and he seems perfectly happy with his life, so we don't need the loser ideas of "no girl would want me" in his head. He looks good, dresses sharply,

and every girl is crazy for a sharp dressed man.

Write your Yuuno how you want, I may be biased here with my Yuuno. ask others, a different opinion would be very valuable here.



Battle trained, school smart, street smart, and given plenty of time to prepare herself. Even if her hand was forced, I think Vivio would rely on her past experiences to push through. Fighting makes you think on your feet, adapt to situations, and always be ready. You know how they say Karate is more than your body, but also your mind?

This is Vivio, not a standard girl. Remember her statements to Nanoha about how proud of herself she is. That kind of pride comes from a girl who can react and adapt, not one who will fall prey to the "Princess disorder"

[EDIT]

@Thread:

Syn:*looking at Ixy*... Did anyone use tongue in the kiss? Zafira doesn't count.

Vivio:...I didn't.

Syn:Maybe Ixy's French! That kind of kiss would work.

Vice: *burst through the door* DIBS!

.......u...h....ha...ahahahahahahahahahaha
o-ouch...m-my stomach...aha...hahahahahahaha
I-i wonder....how Ixy's reaction when she realize a lot of people kiss her...hahaha...and poor Syn, she's the last person...hahaha

(^///////^)

[Tempy]

Oh sure, ignore my contributions to chatter