Dating

[GN0010 Nosferatu]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Depends on how much hurt she can take before she finally throws up her hands, decides she's had enough, and walks away from him. Having been there before myself, I'll admit we're a breed of girl who can take quite a bit of abuse before we finally decide it's time to move on.

Trust me, she's taken the abuse.

They once shared a night with kissing, snuggling, and being close, and he still "wasn't ready" to decide if he wanted to be with her. To be honest, they're both in it together as for why she feels so bad about the whole thing. Her fault for continuously setting herself up for disappointment, and him for leading her on, and never giving her a true definitive answer.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by GN0010 Nosferatu

Her fault for continuously setting herself up for disappointment, and him for leading her on, and never giving her a true definitive answer.

In that case, then, I'm seeing fault on both sides here. She clearly gets some of the blame for still holding out hope, but he also gets an even share of the blame because he's still leading her on and not giving her an answer. One of them needs to make the cut, but from what you've said, I figure it'll take them both a very long, very painful time to realize that.

[GN0010 Nosferatu]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

In that case, then, I'm seeing fault on both sides here. She clearly gets some of the blame for still holding out hope, but he also gets an even share of the blame because he's still leading her on and not giving her an answer. One of them needs to make the cut, but from what you've said, I figure it'll take them both a very long, very painful time to realize that.

Another part of me thinks she dates other guys (me one of them briefly) to take her mind off of him. But then she realizes it's not as good as it could be, and calls the whole thing off.

That's just my speculation though, however, to further add some reasonable logic to that speculation. Imma gonna tell you all a story.

Her and I dated around....mid February, around V-day. So we go hang out with her friends at the bowling alley and have a good time, I was quiet most of the time, but that's just who I am.

Next day, she hangs out with her best friend, his name is JB btw, and her other friend Dani. Long story short, Dani (under the influence of being drunk, along with JB) DARES her to kiss JB, while being perfectly sober, she does it anyway, while "dating me". What does that tell ya? -_-

Abuse or not, I don't think she'll ever be over him.

[Pocky Yoshi]

Well sometimes, a man needs to be a lion sometimes. No not be cool and be someone else lol.
Sometimes I think the girl wants to feel safe and secure in the arms of the man she loves.
But none of the men are stepping up because they're afraid of the outcome.
I don't know, she is waiting for one man she can count on I guess.
*readies to get shunned for thinking this*

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Namuskull

Well sometimes, a man needs to be a lion sometimes. No not be cool and be someone else lol.
Sometimes I think the girl wants to feel safe and secure in the arms of the man she loves.
But none of the men are stepping up because they're afraid of the outcome.
I don't know, she is waiting for one man she can count on I guess.
*readies to get shunned for thinking this*

Well, I'm not going to completely shun the idea that we as people need (and want) someone to count on, because it makes life a lot easier when you can lean on someone else and they help you through things, either by holding you or just talking to you. It gets a bit fuzzy though, because there tend to be different ways of counting on someone.

[Pocky Yoshi]

Yeah, very true. So far, I've been leaning on having a supportive mom, dad, older bro, younger sis, great friends, and kind strangers. So yes, I like to be a team. Although, I haven't been in a relationship yet lol.

[Kafriel]

The sad thing is I did that. It doesn't make you happy. It just siphons all you ever care about and turns it into nihilism. When you want to start loving again you feel awkward about it to the point of developing further insecurities.

At least be humane in the way you treat yourself. Not to sound 'boo-hoo me' but don't go ending up doing that. It's what I did and if I had the chance, I'd definitely stop myself from doing it.

Well, I did say it would make you sad...but I still think it's better than holding grudges and leaving things unsaid, it could drive you crazy over time (like, literally crazy) which I believe is worse than feeling awkward about getting back in a relationship :P
Sooo...in the end, what else can you do?

[0utf0xZer0]

Do any of you have advice on how to deal with a girl who seems to want a relationship with you but might not be 100% behind the idea? I keep wondering if this is the case with my girlfriend and I - she's very shy so it's not always clear what she's thinking.

One of my friends thinks she doesn't actually want a relationship and just doesn't want to admit it to me - I don't agree with this interpretation but I can't deny that it's a plausible reading of our relationship:
-When I initially confessed to her, she was too shy to give me a reply in person.
-She then e-mailed me a vague reply about how she still wanted to see me.
-Upon convincing her that I would remain her friend even if she turned me down, she admitted she had actually been worried I would stop being her friend if she rejected me, and that she didn't feel she knew me well enough to be my girlfriend (justifiable, we had met like three times at this point).
-At this point, I told her I would give her some time to decide and invited her to a few events I was attending at the time.
-After a few months of meeting every couple weeks, I asked her what she thought about me, at which point she said she would go out with me. This time, she told me in person but she seemed really nervous and had trouble spitting it out.

I have asked her about why she's so nervous around me in the past and she's told me it's because I'm her first boyfriend. Do you people have opinions on which interpretation of her behaviour is accurate (just nervous about a first boyfriend, having a few doubts about whether she really wants this relationship, or just plan not wanting to reject me) and if so, what would you recommend I do?

(If it helps, I've gotten to the point where I can discuss a lot of topics with her normally now. It's only when we start talking about our relationship that she starts to get really nervous and shy. Also, she's only 19 while I'm 23 so that might also be a contributing factor to her nervousness.)

[Kafriel]

You're the one closest to her, so you can read her better than an internet forum...still, here's my two cents:
1) She's very insecure because she feels she could lose you at any time if she did something stupid, so she thinks a lot beforehand and is never certain about her actions.
2) She's caught up in an emotional conflict, although at this point most people take some initiatives due to the overwhelming stress of the situation, and since yours seems to be casually a stressful person, she would have definitely said something if this were the case.
3) If you're a generally serious and forgiving person, then you're definitely contributing to her nervousness, but since you talk with her about lots of things, you help her let out a lot of it as well.

[Dextro]

Originally Posted by yoropa

Well I found out the problem is not just race but religion, in terms of her friends. This is the problem I have with atheists in general. Almost all of them are completely unopen to other people solely based on that reason and will literally close their doors. I did my effort to fix it. They don't want to. Their ignorant loss.

I'm going to apologize to everyone in advance for going slightly off-topic but I couldn't let this one slide. Generalizations are inherently bad and as an atheist myself I just couldn't let this particular sentence go without protest.

Atheists are NOT unreasonable people, some might be but don't judge the whole by the few bad parts you happened to experience. I would even venture to say that in general religious people are more biased and "unopen" to anyone who doesn't share their faith than atheists but that would again be generalization and as such I won't state it as a fact.

Consider that maybe it wasn't the fact that they were atheists that made them not like you but your own attitudes on regard to the subject that made them not like you. But of course since I don't know all that happened during your interactions with them I'm not in a position to judge but humility and the ability to consider that maybe one could have made mistakes is an important quality to have.

Just my 2 cents, sorry everyone.

[Khu]

Acted pretty stupid, pushed her a bit too far I think.

She says she's cool, and that she doesn't want a serious relationship, but somehow I get the feeling she's pissed at me, despite what she says.

And she's apparently happy with our friendly relationship right now. So I guess I'll leave it at that I probably need some more time away from srs bizness anyway.

but goddamn I want a nice warm hug/glomp right now

[ChainLegacy]

Originally Posted by Dextro

I'm going to apologize to everyone in advance for going slightly off-topic but I couldn't let this one slide. Generalizations are inherently bad and as an atheist myself I just couldn't let this particular sentence go without protest.

Atheists are NOT unreasonable people, some might be but don't judge the whole by the few bad parts you happened to experience.

Not only that, but many atheists have religious family members and/or are raised in religious households. It is kind of silly to think we all shun anyone but non-atheists. If I did that, the only family member I could still communicate with would be one of my brothers.

And to make this dating related, I don't think religious differences are an inherent barrier in relationships, but it can be problematic, especially in marriages where you're rearing children. Clashing parental ideology is usually not good. Then again, if religion is treated more casually it shouldn't matter.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by ChainLegacy

And to make this dating related, I don't think religious differences are an inherent barrier in relationships, but it can be problematic, especially in marriages where you're rearing children. Clashing parental ideology is usually not good. Then again, if religion is treated more casually it shouldn't matter.

Aye, I know that feeling. It's not marriage, but my little sister has been dating a Mormon boy for the past six months or so, and our family is Catholic Christian. We're rather relaxed about it and don't really care about religion like that, but on his side, they crack down pretty hard on him. They like my sister, they'd just like her better if she was a Mormon girl; and since he's graduating this year and she still has one more year to go, I can only see it ending badly. If she wanted to go further with him, she'd have to consider converting to his religion.

[Ricky Controversy]

In my experience, most atheists are pretty casual, friendly people. It's only the ones who actively hate religions that let their worldview close them off to people. The only reason it might seem, Yoropa, like those are the majority presence is because your average atheist doesn't feel like making a big deal out of it, and it's the anti-religion crowd that gets vocal--and loudly so--about it.

That being said, ideology is something important to consider when choosing a partner. Just remember that terms such as 'Christian', 'Atheist', 'Buddhist', 'Agnostic', etc. etc. do not necessarily mean, in the case of the person so describing themselves, what it might mean to you. When it comes down to it, you have to decide for yourself which parts of your moral credo are most important to you and take the time to thoughtfully observe someone and see if they mesh up.

For example, I identify myself as a Gnostic Christian. One of the key values in my worldview is optimism. I have dated three involved Christian girls in the past, but all three had pessimistic worldviews, which ended up draining me. Radiant, on the other hand, has a fairly casual relationship with her faith, but she's very optimistic, which lines up with my worldview far better. See what I'm angling with? The labels don't matter much.

[0utf0xZer0]

Originally Posted by Kafriel

You're the one closest to her, so you can read her better than an internet forum...still, here's my two cents:
1) She's very insecure because she feels she could lose you at any time if she did something stupid, so she thinks a lot beforehand and is never certain about her actions.
2) She's caught up in an emotional conflict, although at this point most people take some initiatives due to the overwhelming stress of the situation, and since yours seems to be casually a stressful person, she would have definitely said something if this were the case.
3) If you're a generally serious and forgiving person, then you're definitely contributing to her nervousness, but since you talk with her about lots of things, you help her let out a lot of it as well.

Eh, her saying she would go out with me could have actually been an action taken due to stress. It was pretty obvious she was unhappy about being unable to answer my initial confession in person - she told me that she looked up to the only guy she'd confessed to prior to meeting me precisely because he gave her a clear "no", so it wouldn't surprise me if she was stressed out about her own indecisiveness. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if she decided to act decisively even if she was feeling conflicted about it. This has become an issue for me - I'm afraid to really try to advance our relationship because I worry she'll force herself to go along with what I want even if she has reservations.

Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy

In my experience, most atheists are pretty casual, friendly people. It's only the ones who actively hate religions that let their worldview close them off to people. The only reason it might seem, Yoropa, like those are the majority presence is because your average atheist doesn't feel like making a big deal out of it, and it's the anti-religion crowd that gets vocal--and loudly so--about it.

I don't know what portion of athiests are vocal about disliking religion, but I can say that I find the vocal ones unpleasant to be around and I'm an atheist myself.

This being said, I seldom make friends with people who are openly religious simply because I've had some strongly religious friends and acquaintances in the past and I personally find that when the topic of religion comes up - which it usually does eventually - I feel like I'm having to choose between pleasing the friend and sticking with my own beliefs. A number of my friends are religious, but they tend to be people whose religion I found out about only after I got to know them, and they also tend not to bring the topic up very often.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by 0utf0xZer0

Eh, her saying she would go out with me could have actually been an action taken due to stress. It was pretty obvious she was unhappy about being unable to answer my initial confession in person - she told me that she looked up to the only guy she'd confessed to prior to meeting me precisely because he gave her a clear "no", so it wouldn't surprise me if she was stressed out about her own indecisiveness. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if she decided to act decisively even if she was feeling conflicted about it. This has become an issue for me - I'm afraid to really try to advance our relationship because I worry she'll force herself to go along with what I want even if she has reservations.

Considering how worried you are about this, I'd say you need to ask her about what she's thinking and try to get a clear answer out of her. Don't be forceful, but let her know that you're genuinely concerned; you don't want to force her into something she doesn't want or isn't ready for.

[Shiemi]

Originally Posted by Ricky Controversy

For example, I identify myself as a Gnostic Christian. One of the key values in my worldview is optimism. I have dated three involved Christian girls in the past, but all three had pessimistic worldviews, which ended up draining me. Radiant, on the other hand, has a fairly casual relationship with her faith, but she's very optimistic, which lines up with my worldview far better. See what I'm angling with? The labels don't matter much.

Religion can be in a relationship what the couple makes it be, I think. For example, I am an open-minded Christian. My ex was first with the Jehova's Witnesses, then changed to being a very narrow-minded Christian who even considered intimacy in the couple solely for reproduction purposes and otherwise, a sin. We clashed a lot in views, though like I've mentioned before, the main issue about being with him was that he was an abuser. But guess what? Part of the abuse stemmed from being a narrow-minded Christian. He said he was the "ruler" of the house because the Bible said so and thus, I had to obey him or pay the consequences.

I continue being an open-minded Christian and have no problems whatsoever with my agnostic fiancé's views.

In my sister's case, she married a Catholic guy. They go to Baptist church on Sunday mornings and to Catholic church Sunday evenings. I am still not sure how comfortable they are with that agreement and if one will eventually absorb the other, but so far they are making it work.

[suiryoku]

Ok, so I've alluded to the fact I want to take this girl out on a date, but haven't been upfront with asking her yet. She's a freshman, and I'm a senior, I also don't drive and so therefore I can't pick her up myself and don't want my parents taking us anywhere. I'm thinking of telling her to meet me somewhere like say Panera, and we just have lunch and then we go our separate ways. Should I not ask her when people are around? Should I approach her with this idea by asking her to do something this weekend and asking her for her # 1st and then call her the day of?

[Kafriel]

I'm thinking of telling her to meet me somewhere like say Panera, and we just have lunch and then we go our separate ways. Should I not ask her when people are around? Should I approach her with this idea by asking her to do something this weekend and asking her for her # 1st and then call her the day of?

Ask her out alone if you can, but don't give up on the idea if she's always surrounded by people. Ask her number or give yours, meet her there...but why not walk her home (or bus station, if it's too far away) afterwards? It's pretty much the only advantage of walking against driving.

[cheyannew]

Originally Posted by hinakatbklyn

A threeway I'm almost certain is not a scenario that would lead to love. If he/she is not really interested in something long term or further than that, I would think he/she can make her own decision (unless you factor in age).

I have yet to hear an exception to the rule that a boy/girl friend can still stay together, even if another person is included in the equation.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. But after awhile, if that friend is still sure that nothing bad will happen and he/she wants to go through with it, it's out of your hands. On the other hand, if you know who the other party/parties are and you're sure it's a bad idea, another friend who supports your case may be a good idea.

Here's your exception...

My hubby and I've been together for nearly 14 years.

I've been dating my gf since Sept of 09.

Now granted, I'm poly, but maybe the other person is, who knows?