2008-01-06, 13:57 | Link #1444 |
A fuckin' genius!
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Here, there ... EVERYWHERE!
Age: 36
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A typical Soviet Union factory. All the workers are working, the production is already ahead of the plan. Then comes the party meeting, of course the representative of the factory is sent to this meeting, after he returns he gathers all the workers together and says.
"The party has decided that in the next month there will be no days off. Any questions?" Since there is none, all workers return to work and work tirelessly without any free days the entire month. Then comes the next meeting. Afterwards, the representative once again informs the workers. "The party has decided that all your wages will be included in the World Peace Fund. Any questions?" Once again no questions follow and for the next month the workers work without any salary. A month later the representative once again goes to the meeting and returns to inform everyone. "The party has decided that at 12 o'clock tomorrow all workers must hang themselves in the main block. Any questions?" This time a concerned voice sounds from the crowd. "Do we must bring our own ropes, or will the party provide them?" Q: Why it is useless to pick mushrooms at Chernobyl? A: Because the mushrooms keep running away. Announcement in the news. Illegal nuclear missiles have been found in Russia. Fortunately, the weapon experts reacted immediately. The nuclear missiles were disarmed, brought out of the country and sold. Q: Why F1 doesn't have any races in Russia? A: Because during the 6 second pit stop, the crew not only manages to remove the wheels, but sell them as well. One guy is watching the news and suddenly he hears that the temperature in Siberia is -42 C. He quickly calls his friend who lives in Siberia and asks: "How cold is there?" "Not really. Only -25 C." His friend answers. "Strange, the news said that in Siberia there is -42 C." "I don't know ... Maybe that's outside, on the street."
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2008-01-06, 14:25 | Link #1445 | |
Inactive Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
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Quote:
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2008-01-06, 19:44 | Link #1446 |
^.^
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Toronto
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Lol looks like some people are aware of stereotypes, and it seems like it's not *illegal* here or anything. So, I'll post more jokes now
*Note - They're not all stereotypical, but some are -A man walks into a bar. Ouch. -What does a blonde do when she hears the bartender say that the drinks are on the house? She grabs a ladder. -What does a blonde do when her computer freezes? She puts it in the microwave. -A blonde is walking down the street, when she passes an electronics store. She looks at the display items, and is interested in buying the Television on display. So she goes into the store and goes to the clerk and asks, "Hey, how much for that T.V. over there?" The clerk responds, "Sorry ma'am, I don't sell it to blondes." The blonde goes out, goes to the hair salon next door, puts on a brown wig, and comes back, asking the same question, "How much is that T.V. there?" Once again, she receives the same reply back from the clerk, "Sorry ma'am, I don't sell it to blondes." Then the blonde goes back to the hair salon, changes her hair red, and she comes back into the electronics store. She repeats her question, "Hey, how much for the T.V. on display?" Yet again, the clerk responds, "Sorry ma'am, I don't sell it to blondes." Then she lost it. She said, "I don't understand! How did you know that I was blonde all this time?" The clerk responds, "Because that's not a T.V., it's a microwave." More later...
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2008-01-06, 20:33 | Link #1447 |
Ha ha ha ha ha...
Graphic Designer
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Right behind you.
Age: 35
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The 2007 Darwin Awards
This is an email I recieved a few days ago, and I knew I HAD to share it.
So! I present to you... The 2007 Darwin Awards Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. And for those of you that are unfamiliar with the Darwin Award it is bestowed posthumously to the person that most creatively removes their DNA from the global gene pool. This is not the best list of Darwins I have seen but what the hey! Here is the glorious winner: 1. The Big Winner... When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honourable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?] 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER] 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***
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2008-01-06, 21:04 | Link #1448 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Age: 38
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^^lol. I remember visiting that website a long time ago... I still remember reading the one about a guy who died after being crushed under a truck engine while trying to remove/steal it. Afterwards the owner said it was old and he would have given it to the guy if asked.
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2008-01-07, 20:16 | Link #1454 |
Banned
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IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS
Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics. |
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humor |
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