Nanoha FanFiction Discussion

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Moczo

Well, if everyone else is updating, I can hardly be less awesome! Let's clown it up, baby.

Spoiler for Center Ring, Part 7:

"'We have to do the right thing', you said." Hayate said bitterly, sitting in her prison cell. "'We have to call the proper authorities', you said."

"How was I supposed to know it would turn out like this?" Nanoha asked defensively.

"I wanted to dump the body in the woods. Nobody would have ever found her." Hayate said. "We could have chopped it up, dug some holes..."

"I'd have carried the shovel." Vita said.

"Vita would have carried the shovel!" Hayate repeated.

"Once? Some guy tried to rob the snack stand, and I hit him in the knees with a shovel." Vita said proudly.

"And that is why I keep you on the payroll." Hayate said, patting her on the head. "Because you are an idea woman. Not like the dual Ms. Goody-two Shoes over there."

"Hey, this is as much your fault as ours." Fate said. "Verossa is your friend. If he hadn't broken like cheap glass the first time that Interpol agent made a bad pun, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess." '

'This mess' was, in fact, the communal holding cell in the Cranagan City Woman's Penitentiary. The majority of the circus staff was currently crammed into the structure. This actually sort of made them happy (well, it made most of them happy. Erio was very annoyed that nobody had bothered to take him to a prison for men) because they took up the whole cell, and this meant that real criminals were being held elsewhere while they were all processed. Some of the performers wouldn't have been safe around hardened felons, after all. The poor felons might have gotten seriously wounded.

Nanoha nodded in agreement with Fate's assessment. "And you're the one who hired Shari, don't forget. It was her lunacy that really started the whole problem."

Shari pouted. She wasn't just pouting because of the accusation; she was still in a straitjacket, which she didn't really like. So she had multiple reasons to pout, is my point. "Hey, all I did was make a laser cannon. It's not my fault that Vivio murdered somebody with it!"

"You told me it shot water!" Vivio wailed.

"And it was an accident in any event! All she did was point it and push the button, she wasn't aiming it anyone and she certainly didn't murder anyone!" Fate protested, pulling her daughter into a comforting hug.

"Yeah, at most it was involuntary manslaughter. They'll only put her away for like, ten years." Vita agreed.

"Waaaaaaaaaah!" Vivio said.

"They're not putting her away for ten years." A new voice said, entering the room. "They're not putting her away at all, if I have anything to say about it."

Fate let out a sigh of relief. "Big brother, thank God. Could you please clear this up?"

Chrono Harlaown, Cranagan City's chief of police, strode into the room, which was a great source of hope. He was flanked on either side by Verossa and Vice, which did not provide much hope but was... well, not bad. There were worse people who could have been following him. They weren't wearing sunglasses, possibly as punishment.

"Believe me, I'm trying." Chrono said. "Unfortunately, my efforts are complicated somewhat by the fact that, well, you actually did kill this woman."

"... well, yes, but not on purpose." Hayate said defensively. "Besides, it's only Due. It's not like anybody really cares."

"I care!" A furious feminine voice screeched.

Chrono sighed in annoyance. "Oh. Look. She's here too."

Agent Fourington, who absolutely was not Quattro, strode angrily into the room. "Really, Miss Yagami! Must you disrespect the dead so?"

"... why do you care? Weren't you trying to arrest her for her many, many brutal murders?" Hayate asked.

"Well, yes, but that doesn't mean I didn't respect her!" Agent Quattrington said. "It doesn't mean I didn't admire her tenacity! Her intelligence! Her effortless grace and beauty! Indeed, to know her was to love her, whether she your enemy or your beloved older sister."

Nanoha blinked a few times. "Older sist-" She began.

"That was just a randomly chosen example!" Agent Disguised-Quattro said. "She certainly wasn't my sister, no sir! Just another criminal I had to bring in... not that I ever would have succeeded, given how cunning and ruthless she was. Far too amazing to ever be brought down by dolts like the law. No... no, only the cruel caprices of God could lay her low. Only sheer, blind luck... luck in the hands of an idiot child, no less. To die in such an undignified manner, slain by a loathesome little brat who didn't deserve to be in the same country as her, much less end her distinguished career. And that brat will pay for what she's done. She will pay."

"... ... ..." Everyone else in the room said.

"Um... sorry, went off on a tangent there." Agent Barely-even-bothering-at-all said. "Where was I?"

"Honestly not sure." Chrono admitted.

Fate raised her hand. "Er... Agent Fourington? Not to put too fine a point on it, but would you happen to be Quattro in disguise?"

"We just ask because you really, really seem like Quattro in disguise." Nanoha said.

"... wait, disguise? What disguise?" Vita asked. "I thought that it was a given that she's Quattro."

"I don't know who this 'Quattro' is, though she sounds brilliant and gorgeous." Agent Liar said. "I am merely here as a representative of corrupt, decadent human law."

"Okay, yes, she's Quattro." Teana chimed in. "Does anybody here think she isn't Quattro?"

Subaru raised her hand.

"... put your hand down before I smack you." Tea said coldly.

"I just didn't think I should go along with the crowd, that's all. Peer pressure is bad." Subaru said sheepishly.

"She does have a little Quattro around the eyes." Shamal said hesitantly.

"Quattro." Signum said.

"... why am I in woman's prison? Zafira got to go prison for men, why not me?" Erio asked. Caro patted him on the back consolingly.

"Chrono, recent debate in the cell here seems to indicate that we're pretty sure Agent Fourington is a plant." Hayate said.

"Be that as it may, I'm afraid all of her identification checked out." Chrono said.

Verossa chimed in, "And she also has sunglasses."

"Of justice." Vice agreed.

Chrono winced, as if briefly overcome by a long-time pain. "Yes. Yes, she does." He said through gritted teeth. "Look, I personally agree with you all, but her clearances all checked out and the mayor is... ::sigh::... a huge fan of puns, so I've been instructed to give her my full cooperation. I suppose it's possible that she's somehow managed to infiltrate Interpol... though that's incredibly unlikely..."

"As unlikely as a man using advanced cybernetic implants and illegal genetic engineering to spice up his circus acts?" Hayate muttered bitterly. "God, I hate that guy."

"But until I get word from Interpol stating that she's not who she says she is, I've got to play along." Chrono finished.

"Fortunately, I am who I say I am. Just a common agent serving the meaningless laws of the lowly human animals." Agent Quattro Literally Means Four, It's Really Not Even A Good Pseudonym said. "Totally innocent."

"... I'm sure." Chrono said dryly. "Now, if it's not too much trouble, might you explain why you're actually here?"

"Ah! That's right. I came to tell you that my experts have finished analyzing the crime scene."

Verossa looked at his watch. "Really? It's only been like, thirty minutes, and twenty of those were getting all these people back to the station. I mean, that's really not enough time to finish..."

"My experts have finished analyzing the crime scene." Agent Fouringliar said meaningfully. "Haven't you, experts?"

As if on cue... well, okay, not 'as if', just on cue, three women entered the room to flank Agent Totally-Not-A-Villain.

Vivio's breath caught in her throat.

"Oh, crap." Nanoha said, recognizing that reaction and immediately spotting the source. All three women were wearing formal business attire like Agent Yes, That Is Quattro, up to and including the glasses for whatever reason. Two of the three women were redheads, but one of them had a long mane of purple hair that anyone who'd ever seen a poster for Scaglietti Bros. circus would instantly recognize.

"These are my personal panel of experts." Agent I'm Sick of Thinking Up Funny Things to Put Here said. She motioned to her panel of 'experts'. "Agent Wendolyn Evelen, my crime scene analyst."

"Yo, hi!" Wendi said.

"Agent Nina McBeef, head of prisoner transport."

"McBeef?" Nove snarled. "You gave me the last name McBeef?"

"What do you mean, Nina? Clearly that is your name that nobody gave to you!" Quattro said, smiling warmly.

"But it sounds so stupid! What kind of a lame fake name is that?"

Quattro's smiled grew rather strained. "One that's appropriate to the dumb cow who can't remember not to say things like 'fake name'!"

"It's all right. You're fooling precisely nobody." Hayate said.

"Why are they talking about fake names?" Verossa asked.

"Nobody worth fooling, anyway." Hayate corrected herself.

"I still say that's a crap name. How come Wendi gets the good name?" Nove sulked. Wendi smacked her upside the head. "Ow! What was that for!"

"You're breaking character, stupid!" She chided. "You gotta remember to stay cool, like me!"

Teana blinked a few times. "You know, this is actually morbidly interesting. It's like watching a trainwreck that just keeps rewinding itself and then wrecking again."

"Why are they talking about fake names?" Subaru asked.

"... ... ..." Teana said. "I'd explain it to you, but I don't think I could keep the venom out of my voice and then I'd feel like I was kicking a puppy."

"There's a puppy?" Subaru asked, eyes gleaming.

Teana tried her hardest not to cry.

"And finally," Agent Fourington said, continuing her introductions, "My staff psychiatrist, Doctor Veronica Klondike."

"Her too? How come I'm the only one whose fake name sucks?" Nove snapped. She then said, "Ow!" as Wendi cuffed her on the back of the head again.

"Good afternoon." Lutecia said, her eyes firmly fixed on Vivio. "I'm here to examine the suspects' state of mind in relation to this crime. I'm especially looking forward to speaking with the young miss Takamachi. I... conducted my graduate thesis on clown psychology. It was very interesting... paradoxically, many clowns are far more seriously devoted to their craft than less comedic professions. Serious, bitter rivalries can form between clowns of comparable skill, even if they've never met. They just... naturally seek to undo one another, to prove that they are the funnier. Neither can rest while the other still performs. Do you know what I mean... Vivio Takamachi?" Lutecia said meaningfully. Her voice was soft, almost intimate, and yet laced with the unmistakable air of challenge.

"Flurgle glfooah." Vivio said, her face going as red as her eye. She couldn't help it... she could smell Lutecia's perfume, she could see the way her hair spilled over her shoulders, she was looking her right in the eyes. And Vivio was making a fool of herself, she knew she was making a fool of herself, but the part of her brain that handled conscious thought was currently in second place to the part of her brain that handled spazzing out.

"... ... ... excuse me?" Lutecia asked. She wasn't quite certain what response she'd been expecting to her veiled challenge... fear, anger, confidence. But it certainly wasn't... whatever the heck this was. "Are you feeling all right?"

Oh, God. Lutecia seemed worried about her. Well, that was the last straw, wasn't it? Her mind exploding in some combination of joy and terror, Vivio fainted.

"I honestly wish I could say I didn't see that coming." Nanoha said. "Okay, this isn't so bad; that time Caro dressed up like Lutecia for Halloween as a prank, Vivio only got out half that many nonsense syllables. Somebody help me elevate her head, and if we could get some water..."

Fate, assured that her daughter was in good hands, looked at her brother pleadingly. "Chrono... about these... individuals."

CHrono sighed sadly. "Yes, yes, I know. Ladies, while I'm sure all of your identification and credentials check out, I don't suppose you could be helpful and show me some sign that you're all actually affiliated with law enforcement."

The three women took off their pointless glasses... and...

Chrono, seeing where this was going, sighed again. "Dammit."

... put on shades.

"They look like law enforcement to me." Verossa said approvingly.

EDIT: Also to be found on FF.net here.

Ah, yes, and thus we see the beginnings of a love that will be true and deep. A love that will span the generations and be told time and again, a love that will live on in legends. And it all started when Lutecia played along with Quattro to be Vivio's psychiatrist and Vivio could only babble upon seeing her.

Also, I'm beginning to think those shades have, like, magical cloaking powers or something. Seriously. Anybody could wear them and become law enforcement.

Originally Posted by Nanya01

*sigh* It's comments like this that makes me want to drop this fic.

Why do you think I didn't even MENTION the lemons before?! Because I KNEW that all i would get would be people complaining about it!

To his defense, Raiser wasn't complaining about the lemons, he was commenting on ways that you could make it better. He also said that he was bothered by Yuuno's OOCness in those scenes, which is also another fair critique.

[00-Raiser]

Originally Posted by Yasanagi

I took some time to reflect on Raiser's comments (and it was nice of him to express his concerns to me face to face during our meeting earlier).

Spoiler for MD discussion:

After giving it some thought, I came to the conclusion that yes, there is some plot value with the lemons but I'm already weaving in new consequences and a new element which can explain some of Yuuno's earlier OOCness. With some luck, I can start foreshadowing it next episode when I get around to writing it.

Well, I'll have to wait and see then. Frankly I can't see any potential way to explain his OOCness, especially after seeing how he acted in the first lemon (2nd lemon I guess works, since he was raped and all). Saying he got caught up in the situation wouldn't work, since we know how level headed and analytical Yuuno is.

I still say you should ditch the sex and use something else. It would be easy to do, and that's how you can tell that the sex is pointless: you can replace it with something else and it doesn't affect the plot at all. That's how games like Fate/Stay Night are easily made into all ages versions without losing of the high quality story telling.

Again I'll wait and see. Right now it's just like the sex is there for the sake of sex and nothing more. It hurts the fic especially when it results in OOCness. If you wanted to do that a PWP lemon would do just as well.

So I'll wait and see if you can salvage it, but honestly in my eyes I'd go so far to say that it's 'ruined.'

Yeah, I know if I don't like it I should just shut my mouth and move on, but I really want to like it and don't want to see it fall on its face.

[Nanya01]

Originally Posted by 00-Raiser

Well, I'll have to wait and see then. Frankly I can't see any potential way to explain his OOCness, especially after seeing how he acted in the first lemon (2nd lemon I guess works, since he was raped and all). Saying he got caught up in the situation wouldn't work, since we know how level headed and analytical Yuuno is.

I still say you should ditch the sex and use something else. It would be easy to do, and that's how you can tell that the sex is pointless: you can replace it with something else and it doesn't affect the plot at all. That's how games like Fate/Stay Night are easily made into all ages versions without losing of the high quality story telling.

Again I'll wait and see. Right now it's just like the sex is there for the sake of sex and nothing more. It hurts the fic especially when it results in OOCness. If you wanted to do that a PWP lemon would do just as well.

So I'll wait and see if you can salvage it, but honestly in my eyes I'd go so far to say that it's 'ruined.'

Yeah, I know if I don't like it I should just shut my mouth and move on, but I really want to like it and don't want to see it fall on its face.

And, you know what?

The first "mana transfer" thing that I did, I felt like the story was ruined.

You remember?

Maybe not.

But, lemme tell you, I damn near gave up writing the story then because of it.

[Yasanagi]

Well, the thing is that I haven't thought up of any such alternative method that would leave as big an emotional scar or whatever. Even when Raiser suggested last night on using something like draining most of Yuuno's Linker Core to replenish their own mana, I wasn't so sure if that would work to create a similar psychological impact.

If anything, I may end up writing extra bits for the chapters going on FF.Net to better foreshadow the element that causes things to lay out as they did. I just hope that it doesn't look like a major asspull when the next episode rolls around on AS/AA since I didn't insert the proper foreshadowing for it earlier.

[vic-vic]

2Yasanagi

Well, i have no problem with sex in this story and honestly doesn`t see any so shoking in it.

[Moczo]

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Ah, yes, and thus we see the beginnings of a love that will be true and deep. A love that will span the generations and be told time and again, a love that will live on in legends. And it all started when Lutecia played along with Quattro to be Vivio's psychiatrist and Vivio could only babble upon seeing her.

Also, I'm beginning to think those shades have, like, magical cloaking powers or something. Seriously. Anybody could wear them and become law enforcement.

That's how all of history's great romances have begun. I've often drawn inspiration from the story of Caesar and Cleopatra, and how she smuggled herself into his tent by pretending to be a forensic psychiatrist.

Originally Posted by Nanya01

And, you know what?

The first "mana transfer" thing that I did, I felt like the story was ruined.

You remember?

Maybe not.

But, lemme tell you, I damn near gave up writing the story then because of it.

Well... I'll admit that I haven't been following Material Days (sorry, sorry! I've got my own stuff to write and two jobs, I only have so much free time!). But from the reviews I'm seeing here, it seems the main problem isn't the sex, but Yuuno's reaction to it. And I can understand that... he doesn't have a whole lot of character beyond 'nice guy'. And nice guys do not treat sex as 'no big deal'. Particularly not with a girl he just met. And doubly so if she looks just like an old friend!

But don't lose hope! I mean, Yasanagi said he has plans, right? I'm sure you two can get around this oddness. You're clever sorts.

[Yasanagi]

Hey, I am familiar with the world of working two jobs too so I can relate.

I will be working on rectifying the situation regarding that particular OOC moment.

[Moczo]

Hee, hee... a kindred spirit? Sucks, huh. But I need the money to fuel my expensive habits. And also for, y'know, food.

I think mainly I just felt silly commenting on a story that I've only read the first two chapters of. But it's sorta taken over the forum, so I wanted to say something...

[Yasanagi]

I'm fortunate enough not to have expensive habits. So far, I've been able to save for emergency stuff (like paying for the insurance deductible when I damaged my car in a car accident a few months ago).

[Moczo]

... er, just to specify, when I say expensive habits, I really just mean manga and videogames ($10 a volume and $60 a game... adds the hell up. Especially when I buy the awesome, super-bright, big screen Nintendo DSi, and then like two weeks later, they announce a new 3D model. #$*& you, Nintendo).

So it's just nerd stuff. My expensive habits are not like, heroin or something. You all knew that, right? I mean, I know I have a tendency to write crack, but...

[Nanya01]

Originally Posted by Moczo

... er, just to specify, when I say expensive habits, I really just mean manga and videogames ($10 a volume and $60 a game... adds the hell up. Especially when I buy the awesome, super-bright, big screen Nintendo DSi, and then like two weeks later, they announce a new 3D model. #$*& you, Nintendo).

So it's just nerd stuff. My expensive habits are not like, heroin or something. You all knew that, right? I mean, I know I have a tendency to write crack, but...

Crack is Cheaper.

*looks at the thousands of dollars in manga, comics, anime, video games and card games that I have spent over the years*

[00-Raiser]

Originally Posted by Moczo

Well... I'll admit that I haven't been following Material Days (sorry, sorry! I've got my own stuff to write and two jobs, I only have so much free time!). But from the reviews I'm seeing here, it seems the main problem isn't the sex, but Yuuno's reaction to it. And I can understand that... he doesn't have a whole lot of character beyond 'nice guy'. And nice guys do not treat sex as 'no big deal'. Particularly not with a girl he just met. And doubly so if she looks just like an old friend!

Exactly (though I'd prefer no sex period). It should have some sort of impact and not just be treated as nothing. Look at a fic like Kaijo's Unexpected Expectations that handled things extremely well.

[Nanya01]

I've been talking to Yasanagi...

And I'm starting to lose the will to write on Material Days.

Dunno if I'll stop, I nearly did once before, but I might just stop writing on it this time. We'll see.

So, at the very least, I'm probably going to be taking a break from writing it.

[vic-vic]

Originally Posted by Nanya01

I've been talking to Yasanagi...

And I'm starting to lose the will to write on Material Days.

Dunno if I'll stop, I nearly did once before, but I might just stop writing on it this time. We'll see.

So, at the very least, I'm probably going to be taking a break from writing it.

Ow, it will be waste, realy. But it`s all up to you.

[Megaolix]

Damn, a minor matter turned quite ugly. But whatever happens, I'll support Yasanagi any way I can to move this forward. That last thing I want to see is an early burial on an awesome idea.

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Moczo

That's how all of history's great romances have begun. I've often drawn inspiration from the story of Caesar and Cleopatra, and how she smuggled herself into his tent by pretending to be a forensic psychiatrist.

Though one must wonder what kind of psychiatrist Lutecia will be for Vivio, especially since it's all a plot by Quattro. I sense we will soon have, on top of a grand romance, a romance that will also rival Romeo and Juliet.

.... Which may or may not be a good thing, when I think about it...

[Rising Dragon]

Just don't let Shari make plans on how to get them together and I think they'll be fine...

[RadiantBeam]

Awwww, but Shari always has the best kinds of ideas!

[Moczo]

Originally Posted by Rising Dragon

Just don't let Shari make plans on how to get them together and I think they'll be fine...

Originally Posted by RadiantBeam

Awwww, but Shari always has the best kinds of ideas!

Shari: Vivio, Vivio! I've thought of a plan to help you find love!

Vivio: Oh, God...

Shari: I shall construct a mechanical horror. It shall be a massive, robotic crocodile, large enough to crush a city bus in its mighty jaws. I shall call it Robo-Croc. I will then unleash it upon the world.

Vivio: A-and then...?

Shari: ... ... ... and then what?

Vivio: How does that help me win over Lutecia?

Shari: Win over who now?

[RadiantBeam]

Originally Posted by Moczo

Shari: Vivio, Vivio! I've thought of a plan to help you find love!

Vivio: Oh, God...

Shari: I shall construct a mechanical horror. It shall be a massive, robotic crocodile, large enough to crush a city bus in its mighty jaws. I shall call it Robo-Croc. I will then unleash it upon the world.

Vivio: A-and then...?

Shari: ... ... ... and then what?

Vivio: How does that help me win over Lutecia?

Shari: Win over who now?

Vivio: Um.... Lutecia?

Shari: Ah, right, right! Well, just defeat it all by yourself. Girls are suckers for that.

Vivio: I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!

EDIT: Pageclaim for Vivio not dying! Or shanking me for keeping her a virgin.