2008-03-07, 18:07 | Link #841 | |
Senior Member
Author
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Virginia Tech
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I'm just sticking with Minoru because I remember it. I don't want to look for the real name.
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2008-03-07, 18:15 | Link #845 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Land Down Under
Age: 32
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I'll correct it regardless.
/EDIT Did I correctly identify the Three Crones thing as a reference to the Greek Goddesses of Fate? Or am I waaaaay of? The Hecate pop up in a number of Western mythologies... so I added "weaving" instead of "writing". 's that OK? |
2008-03-07, 18:36 | Link #850 | |
Homo Ludens
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Age: 34
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Aaand another, bigger this time, part done. Spoiler for Chapter One, part 5:
I've given Haruki this formal tone the original doesn't have... Constructive criticism, please and thanks. Last edited by Tyabann; 2008-03-10 at 15:59. |
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2008-03-07, 18:43 | Link #851 | ||
性転換 団長
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She studdered. Moe... Quote:
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2008-03-07, 18:45 | Link #852 |
SIDE
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I liked it. :3 I only have a couple of comments: one, you left in the different colors for the different days of the week, but didn't mention Haruki including any weird colored things in his hairstyles. And two, Haruki sounds unnatural sometimes because there don't seem to be many contractions in his speech, it sounds more awkward than formal IMO.
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2008-03-07, 18:50 | Link #853 | ||||
illusion control
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I remember a lot of arguments my sister had with my parents when she found out that I could stay out with my friends until two in the morning (because we had concert band practice until about midnight) while she had to be home by dinnertime. And this is Singapore, supposedly one of the safest countries in the world. Quote:
This is entirely because if you read the official manga (by Gaku Tsugano), Asakura Ryoko does exactly this. (Volume 1, page 54; she watches from the balcony of the apartment.) Ryoko: Ara ara... looks like it cannot wait any longer. Quote:
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The Greek Fates used to be depicted as crones (or at least have "forbidding appearances", whatever the heck that means), but after the idea of the Norns (Norse Fates: Urdr, Verdandi, Skuld, which should be familiar to anyone who watched Ah My Goddess) and the Maiden/Mother/Crone trinity spread, they began to be depicted like that as well. Hecate used to not have anything to do with any of this, but since she gets portrayed as a Triple Goddess anyway (being the Goddess of crossroads, among others), she also got associated with the various triumvirate Fates. (And witchcraft, via the Wyrd Sisters, which are in turn influenced by the triad Fates anyway.) In short: no problems here. |
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2008-03-07, 18:51 | Link #854 | |
Homo Ludens
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Age: 34
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As RmX said, the awkwardness is due to the contained amounts of GAR. Edit: Yeah, Jintor, I was trying to reference the Fates... And now I'm tired and so am going to stop for now and go start a new file on Kingdom Hearts. However, I will leave you with one of my favorite scenes: Spoiler for Chapter Two opening scene:
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2008-03-07, 18:54 | Link #855 | |
性転換 団長
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Hope you can get everything together soon. I messaged Onizuka-GTO, the current head of Baka-Tsuki. With any luck we may be posting all the stuff over there, while critiques and reviews remain here.
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2008-03-07, 19:03 | Link #857 |
SIDE
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Nope, I just checked, the colors were in the original too. My point was that if they're going to discuss colors, there needs to be something going on with his hair to trigger it-- a different headband every day? My initial thought was temporary streaks, but IIRC the Japanese school system isn't too hot on unnatural colors.
Edit: Oh, wait, I see what you mean, Haruhi's comment was sort of out of the blue in the original, too. Nevermind. ^^;; I see your point with the forced formalities, I just think there might be a better way to convey it than lack of contractions, because that's not really how people talk even when they're trying to be polite in real life. And either way I don't think they work too well with the shouting, because I think that's supposed to be him breaking free of his forced politeness (or at least normality), if it's an outburst of emotion wouldn't it follow that he'd talk more naturally? |
2008-03-07, 19:07 | Link #859 | |
性転換 団長
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I agree that the lack of contractions is a little too unnatural at times. He's restraining himself, but he's not pulling himself back that far. How did I miss this post?
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genderbender, seitenkan |
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